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Wedding Obsession

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Re: Wedding Obsession

  • So how can you properly elope without "lying by omission"?

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  • I don't care what people call my wedding, whether they call it an elopement, a destination wedding or a just us wedding. I just want to be married with the least amount of hassle possible. 

  • luckya23 said:
    So how can you properly elope without "lying by omission"?
    "You know how we told you we're going on that trip to Vegas and Disney? We'll be getting married while in Vegas and Disney is our honeymoon." 
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  • luckya23 said:
    So how can you properly elope without "lying by omission"?
    "You know how we told you we're going on that trip to Vegas and Disney? We'll be getting married while in Vegas and Disney is our honeymoon." 
    But I thought eloping meant not telling anyone? There was a discussion about that on another board and many people said that if the couple told their parents they weren't eloping because that's not how eloping works.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    Fair enough, I get what you're saying. You can't just disappear on holiday for 3 weeks without telling people where you're going, though. If we say Las Vegas someone will probably joke about us getting married, and if we said we are not then we certainly would be lying.

    If it was up to me, I would just pop into the registry office and get it done with. I just want to be married to him, you know? But it's his first wedding and he wants to do it in Vegas, and I think that would be fun, and once we're there it makes sense to extend the trip and have the honeymoon in the US.

    He will tell his mum before we fly. She's named as our emergency contact anyway. 

    I understand people having their own opinions, and I respect that. Not sure there's any need to be so judgmental about the potential solidity of my future marriage (!)

    If you want the background, my first time round I did tell people that my ex and I were going to the registry office to get married. I had two months of people complaining about me not having a "proper" wedding and inviting them (my family lives abroad... have you guys been to one of those wedding where half the party lives oversees, and the mount of organising it takes?). My mum, who continued to complain about it years after my very bitter and expensive divorce, said to me "you should have just gone and done it then, instead of telling us before that you were doing it and not giving us the chance to go". I expect this is one of the situations where you can't please people. 

    If anybody has any suggestions on how not to hurt people over something like this, these suggestions would be welcome. Certainly more welcome than "lying to your friends and family does sound like a really good basis for a solid marriage" (whomever said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit was totally right, by the way)  Oh please.  How long have you been on this forum?  Sarcasm is our thing.  Sarcasm is actually very witty, when done right.



    1. Actually invite your family to your wedding. 

    Was there a reason you didn't invite anyone to your 1st ceremony?  Other than the fact that you just choose not to be bothered with inviting them?  That's what it sounds like to me, not trying to be harsh.  Your family living abroad is irrelevant.  You could have invited them- there is such a thing as international mail.  That's all you would have had to organize.  The rest- getting their asses to your wedding- would have been on them.   So other than the logistics, was there a reason you didn't wish to invite your family to your wedding?

    Is there a reason why you and your FI want to elope and exclude your immediate families now?  Especially since this is your FI's 1st marriage.  I'd imagine you are in for even more drama from your family this time around, since this will be the 2nd wedding you aren't including them in.

    2.  If you truly want to just elope, then do not have a public engagement.  Meaning, don't announce it to anyone.  So keep on keeping on, just lime you are right now.  Honestly, what would even be the point of telling anyone (family and friends)  that you are engaged if you have no intention of including them in your wedding. . . for the 2nd time?  That just seems cruel to me. 

    The "gentler" let down would be for you guys to just tell your family you are going on vacation, and then tell them you are married once you return.   Theyare still going to be very hurt though, from the sounds of it.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    [Deleted User]
  • luckya23 said:
    So how can you properly elope without "lying by omission"?
    "You know how we told you we're going on that trip to Vegas and Disney? We'll be getting married while in Vegas and Disney is our honeymoon." 
    But I thought eloping meant not telling anyone? There was a discussion about that on another board and many people said that if the couple told their parents they weren't eloping because that's not how eloping works.
    marmot was planning to outright lie to people, which isn't cool. If she wants to get married "just the two of us" (even she isn't really using the word "elope" - she has said multiple times that she just wants a private wedding and doesn't care to label it), that's fine and cool and whatever. But lying isn't.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    edited June 2015
    @southernbelle0915  that's what I thought last time. I am South American. I have four male brothers who had big white weddings. I am the only woman... there was an expectation set that I didn't meet. Sigh.

    So I decided to do what I wanted and be honest about it, and the crap I had to deal with (and for so many years too) was unreal.

    I swore I would not put up with that again.

    But you know what? Chances are I will have to put up with the same amount of crap from not telling them. In fact, nothing but a big white wedding will do (even if it's my second time round, and even if I'm 42).

    So maybe you are right, I should say fuck them and if they ask they can be told. After all, they will give me crap whatever I do. Fact.

    And who knows, maybe they don't ask and then that would be ever better.
    Meh, they may have had expetations for your wedding, which you didn't meet, but I bet the real reason you got so much shit for so long afterwards, especially during your divorce was because your family was HURT That you didn't even invite them.  It sounds like weddings are important to them, and not just for the superficial party reasons.


    @maggie0829
    I envy people with more understanding/forgiving families.
    My friends were OK with it. My mum never got over it. She passed away last year (11 years after the fact) and she brought it up again on one of our last conversations. My Aunt brought it up at the spreading of my mum's ashes. 
    Oh well. 

    It sounds to me like you have convinced yourself the sole reason your mom and aunt, other people too, were bitter about your wedding and carried that bitterness forward, was because of the type of wedding you had.  Again, I thikn the real reason was that you did not invite them, and they were hurt.

    My brother and SIL had a JOP wedding, just like you wanted for your 1st wedding.  They hurt our entire immediate family by not inviting us.  Not only that, but they specifically requested we not attend, and then we find out that SIL's mother "crashed" their wedding and then went out to celebrate with them afterwards. . .something we had offered to do,   We wanted to throw them a celebration dinner, and they declined, saying they were just going to do something with their daughter.  And not only did they go out with SIL's mother, but my cousins and some of their friends were also invited.

    How did we find all of this out?  FB pictures- GG ><

    We are still insulted and hurt, and we likely always will be.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
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    I guess I think it is fine to tell people that you are engaged and when they ask about wedding plans you can say 'oh we are still thinking about things' and then change the subject.  And then one day you go off and get married and come back and be all 'hey we got married while we were on vacation!'  I just don't consider that the same thing as lying.  You don't have to tell people your plans but if you choose to elope I don't feel like you can't tell people you are engaged either.  No one deserves an invitation to your wedding, even immediate family.  So if an engaged couple decides to elope then they can do that and if people are upset about it well that isn't the couples fault because they didn't do anything wrong.

  • nicemarmotnicemarmot member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2015
    @prettygirllost
    1- I don't like to be the centre of attention. I am not religious. I have a large family, and an international wedding like that does involve more than just inviting people, it involves finding them places to stay, things to do, get pre-wedding activities sorted out for families to meet each other (people don't fly oversees for only two days. My family live 13 hours away). Then there's the added issue of who an and can't afford to travel. I've been to a few of these weddings, so I know. Also I don't want to spend £20k+ (I think the average cost of a wedding in the UK is now over £25k) to do what other people want and what I would hate to do.

    My other half has a small family and is quite shy and does not like large gatherings, he doesn't even know half of my very large family. The first time we discussed weddings in a general conversation, his comment was that he would probably turn up one day wearing a wedding ring and that's how people would discover that he got married. That was his preferred scenario.

    2- maybe that's why there's the hesitation to discuss/announce my engagement. 

    As I said before, I just wish I could be married. The wedding itself doesn't matter to me (another reason why I don't want a big fuss) and I wish it wasn't such an issue for so many people outside the couple (I mean outside him and me).

    Maybe an option would be not to mention anything until after the fact.

    I don't know.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    @prettygirllost
    1- I don't like to be the centre of attention. I am not religious. I have a large family, and an international wedding like that does involve more than just inviting people, it involves finding them places to stay, things to do, get pre-wedding activities sorted out for families to meet each other (people don't fly oversees for only two days. My family live 13 hours away).   Those are all things that your family members, as adults, can figure out on their own.  You do not have to coordinate any of that for them.  Would it be a nice gesture if you did?  Sure.  But it is not required of you.  And you definitely don't have to organize pre-wedding activities.  Again, these are things they can sort out for themselves.  Might they bitch about it?  Maybe, but so what.  Ignore the bitching.  If your wedding is too much of a hassle for them, they can decline to attend.  But at least that choice is theirs.  You didn't make it for them by just not inviting them.  Then there's the added issue of who an and can't afford to travel. That's only an issue for the people who are traveling, not you.  I've been to a few of these weddings, so I know. Also I don't want to spend £20k+ (I think the average cost of a wedding in the UK is now over £25k) to do what other people want and what I would hate to do.  So don't!  But if you actually wanted your family to attend your wedding, even if it was a JOP wedding, you could simply invite them.

    My other half has a small family and is quite shy and does not like large gatherings, he doesn't even know half of my very large family. The first time we discussed weddings in a general conversation, his comment was that he would probably turn up one day wearing a wedding ring and that's how people would discover that he got married. That was his preferred scenario.

    2- maybe that's why there's the hesitation to discuss/announce my engagement.

    As I said before, I just wish I could be married. The wedding itself doesn't matter to me (another reason why I don't want a big fuss) and I wish it wasn't such an issue for so many people outside the couple (I mean outside him and me).

    Maybe an option would be not to mention anything until after the fact.

    I don't know.
    It sounds like you and your FI are going to incur drama no matter what you do.  The question is, how much and what type of drama are you both willing to deal with?   Because you are going to have to deal with it, one way or another.  That's just the reality of the situation.  There's always some drama in life.

    It sounds like your family will be hurt and upset with you once again, if you elope, but if you are prepared to deal with that fall out, then so be it.  Elope, but do not announce your engagement prior.  Just do as your FI said he wanted to do and just show up from a vacation with wedding bands on your fingers.

    If you want to avoid hurting your family again, invite them to your ceremony in Vegas, and that's it.  Simply mail them the invitations and let them sort out the logistics of traveling, lodging, etc.  If they bitch and complain, so what?  You know they will likely bitch and moan, so you can be prepared to just ignore it. . . shouldn't be too hard to ignore them since they are 13hrs away.  And this would all be contingent on your FI agreeing to this and inviting his family too.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    luckya23 said:
    So how can you properly elope without "lying by omission"?
    You don't announce your engagement, and lead ppl on by thinking they will be invited to the wedding.  You just go and freaking get married, then announce to everyone you are married.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    nicemarmot
  • Thank you. It looks like I have two options (my other half doesn't want our families there so inviting people to vegas is not one of them. Mind you, I prefer it to be the two of us anyway, so not complaining.

    1- don't mention the engagement, get married, tell people when we get back

    2- announce both the engagement and wedding plans.


    I guess the hybrid I had in mind is probably the worse decision (announce the engagement, not mention Vegas, tell people about the wedding when we get back).

    I guess if we don't announce the engagement, then there will be much less of a chance that people will say "Vegas, you're getting married, then?".

    Food for thought.
    Thank you for your comments everybody. I haven't discussed this with anybody and this has really helped :-) 


  • One thing I've learned right after we got engaged is: everybody has an opinion, and people will make sure to tell you about their opinions. It was very stressful to listen to all the "advices" and sometimes weird comments people made about our wedding.
    So, my advise to you is: do not listen to what people have to say. You want plan your wedding without being engaged, do it... Maybe it will make the whole planning less stressful for you. I've never planned anything for my wedding. I didn't know what season, or what theme, or colors, or anything; so the whole planning has been a little overwhelming. Maybe, planning in advance will help you not to be as overwhelmed as I am. Don't listen to people, some of them are real joy killers.
    Don't forget you  have a life to live, and a relationship to keep building. As long as you and your future husband are in the same page it is all good. Enjoy life and enjoy the season you are living in :)
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    One thing I've learned right after we got engaged is: everybody has an opinion, and people will make sure to tell you about their opinions. It was very stressful to listen to all the "advices" and sometimes weird comments people made about our wedding.
    So, my advise to you is: do not listen to what people have to say. You want plan your wedding without being engaged, do it... Maybe it will make the whole planning less stressful for you. I've never planned anything for my wedding. I didn't know what season, or what theme, or colors, or anything; so the whole planning has been a little overwhelming. Maybe, planning in advance will help you not to be as overwhelmed as I am. Don't listen to people, some of them are real joy killers.
    Don't forget you  have a life to live, and a relationship to keep building. As long as you and your future husband are in the same page it is all good. Enjoy life and enjoy the season you are living in :)
    As long as your BF knows that you're planning your wedding and he's on board with it too.  Otherwise, this is just BSC.  Planning a wedding prior to being engaged and your BF knowing about it is insane.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • @prettygirllost
    1- I don't like to be the centre of attention. I am not religious. I have a large family, and an international wedding like that does involve more than just inviting people, it involves finding them places to stay, things to do, get pre-wedding activities sorted out for families to meet each other (people don't fly oversees for only two days. My family live 13 hours away). Then there's the added issue of who an and can't afford to travel. I've been to a few of these weddings, so I know. Also I don't want to spend £20k+ (I think the average cost of a wedding in the UK is now over £25k) to do what other people want and what I would hate to do.

    My other half has a small family and is quite shy and does not like large gatherings, he doesn't even know half of my very large family. The first time we discussed weddings in a general conversation, his comment was that he would probably turn up one day wearing a wedding ring and that's how people would discover that he got married. That was his preferred scenario.

    2- maybe that's why there's the hesitation to discuss/announce my engagement. 

    As I said before, I just wish I could be married. The wedding itself doesn't matter to me (another reason why I don't want a big fuss) and I wish it wasn't such an issue for so many people outside the couple (I mean outside him and me).

    Maybe an option would be not to mention anything until after the fact.

    I don't know.


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    I may be confusing you with the OP after reading 4 pages of posts, but if you don't like being the center of attention, and you don't want to invite people to your wedding, and you just want to get married already; then why the whole pre-planned formal proposal thing? I mean, you already planned the wedding, so why not just go get married?

    I guess that's what I find really conusing about your situation. It seems very contradictory. "I don't want a wedding, or people giving me attention, and I just want to do it already so I already planned the wedding and booked stuff... BUT.. we can't do any of that until he gives me the pre-planned Hollywood proposal and I can tell everyone I don't plan on inviting to our wedding that he proposed?"

    PrettyGirlLostlovegood90[Deleted User]
  • We want to go to Vegas and then make a trip out of it, seeing as it is not quick or cheap to get there from the UK. We don't have time off available to do it until next year. Simple as that really.

    No Hollywood proposal is planned, when did I ever say that? We want to wait until our anniversary to tell people (which I don't know anymore if I will even do now anyway). He also wants to formally ask me. I am in no way demanding a Hollywood proposal (whatever that is). 
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
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    We want to go to Vegas and then make a trip out of it, seeing as it is not quick or cheap to get there from the UK. We don't have time off available to do it until next year. Simple as that really.

    No Hollywood proposal is planned, when did I ever say that? We want to wait until our anniversary to tell people (which I don't know anymore if I will even do now anyway). He also wants to formally ask me. I am in no way demanding a Hollywood proposal (whatever that is). 
    Ladies and Gents, I give you, the Hollywood Proposal: clicky (the couple who's known each other since they were 10, etc etc)
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • We want to go to Vegas and then make a trip out of it, seeing as it is not quick or cheap to get there from the UK. We don't have time off available to do it until next year. Simple as that really.

    No Hollywood proposal is planned, when did I ever say that? We want to wait until our anniversary to tell people (which I don't know anymore if I will even do now anyway). He also wants to formally ask me. I am in no way demanding a Hollywood proposal (whatever that is). 
    A Hollywood proposal is making a big deal out of the proposal for no reason. Sort of like formally asking someone after you've already bought the ring together or already started planning the wedding. 
    One Hollywood proposal; going for a hike in Red Rocks, finding a beautiful vista where you can watch the sunset, laying down a blanket on the rock and popping a bottle of champagne.  Just as the sun shoots the rocks with crystalline gold light, he gets down on one knee and asks you to make him the happiest man in the world and be his wife.

    Hollywood proposal Two; dinner on the anniversary of when you started dating, at the fanciest restaurant in town (or the pub where you had your first date), he pretends to drop his napkin, reaches down to pick it up, comes up on one knee with a ring in his hand and asks you to marry him.  You cry and say yes, everyone within earshot at the restaurant claps, the waiter brings you a free bottle of champagne to congratulate you.
  • flbride2015flbride2015 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2015
    We want to go to Vegas and then make a trip out of it, seeing as it is not quick or cheap to get there from the UK. We don't have time off available to do it until next year. Simple as that really.

    No Hollywood proposal is planned, when did I ever say that? We want to wait until our anniversary to tell people (which I don't know anymore if I will even do now anyway). He also wants to formally ask me. I am in no way demanding a Hollywood proposal (whatever that is). 
    A Hollywood proposal is making a big deal out of the proposal for no reason. Sort of like formally asking someone after you've already bought the ring together or already started planning the wedding. 

    This exactly. You've already planned the wedding. You're already engaged. The fact that you're waiting for your anniversary for him to "formally" propse is wanting a Hollywood proposal. Because it's not necessary, because you're already engaged. Now, if you hadn't booked stuff and/or bought a ring together, then it would be different, because he could possibly never ask you. But even without your Hollywood proposal, you guys are still having the wedding you already booked.
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • Here's a question for people who have picked out their own rings-did FI/H ask you to marry him/her before OR after you had already picked out the ring together? I think I would be a ball of anxiety mixed with excitement if I already picked something out/had something made and was just waiting to be asked. Like, gimme the ring, damn it!
  • luckya23luckya23 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2015
    abcdevonn said:

    Here's a question for people who have picked out their own rings-did FI/H ask you to marry him/her before OR after you had already picked out the ring together? I think I would be a ball of anxiety mixed with excitement if I already picked something out/had something made and was just waiting to be asked. Like, gimme the ring, damn it!

    I feel like in a way I got my surprise proposal because he told me he went to look at rings and needed help... we hadn't discussed getting married any specific time before that and I had assumed it would be closer to the end of his apartment lease.
    It took almost 2 months from then for the ring to be purchased/made (the diamond was bought separately).
    On the day the ring came in, I went with him to pick it up but asked him to ACTUALLY ask me the question so he could never say in the future he never did!

    Eta: And yes waiting for the ring sucked, and he offered to just get a stand in in the mean time, but that time was also awesome just knowing that we were getting married. And there was no pressure to "plan"!
    I had been engaged before without a ring initially, btw, which I picked afterwards. I think back then I told everyone and started planning right away before I got it.

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  • abcdevonn said:
    Here's a question for people who have picked out their own rings-did FI/H ask you to marry him/her before OR after you had already picked out the ring together? I think I would be a ball of anxiety mixed with excitement if I already picked something out/had something made and was just waiting to be asked. Like, gimme the ring, damn it!

    FI asked me after. He'd asked me a billion times before, but they weren't serious or immediate proposals, just us being sappy at each other. But then he started asking me about ring size and metal preferences and what time of year I'd prefer to get married and how much time I'd need to plan a wedding.... I sent him some examples of rings I liked and we ended up shopping together, but he kept me in the dark after I narrowed it down to a couple of favorites from his preferred jeweler. I was definitely a ball of nervous excitement, and I think he was too since he only waited about an hour after picking it up from FedEx to propose.
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  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
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    abcdevonn said:
    Here's a question for people who have picked out their own rings-did FI/H ask you to marry him/her before OR after you had already picked out the ring together? I think I would be a ball of anxiety mixed with excitement if I already picked something out/had something made and was just waiting to be asked. Like, gimme the ring, damn it!
    H asked me to marry him after the ring arrived. I actually wasn't anxious after the ring was picked and ordered because it was like ok, now I know it's coming and I have an idea of when it will (he isn't the type to sit on things), we're definitely moving in this direction.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
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    abcdevonn said:
    Here's a question for people who have picked out their own rings-did FI/H ask you to marry him/her before OR after you had already picked out the ring together? I think I would be a ball of anxiety mixed with excitement if I already picked something out/had something made and was just waiting to be asked. Like, gimme the ring, damn it!
    I picked my own ring, almost a month after we got engaged.

    I actually had a taste of the latter. My H's sister has a big mouth and spilled the beans that he'd started ring shopping nearly 6 months before we got engaged. It turns out that he had a hard time picking something before he finally decided to let me pick. (Which was the best decision, I'm picky!)
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2015
    esstee33 said:



    Thank you. It looks like I have two options (my other half doesn't want our families there so inviting people to vegas is not one of them. Mind you, I prefer it to be the two of us anyway, so not complaining.

    1- don't mention the engagement, get married, tell people when we get back

    2- announce both the engagement and wedding plans.


    I guess the hybrid I had in mind is probably the worse decision (announce the engagement, not mention Vegas, tell people about the wedding when we get back).

    I guess if we don't announce the engagement, then there will be much less of a chance that people will say "Vegas, you're getting married, then?".

    Food for thought.
    Thank you for your comments everybody. I haven't discussed this with anybody and this has really helped :-) 




    @nicemarmot - It's absolutely fucking crazy to me how many people in this thread are trying to insist that you have some kind of obligation to invite your families even though that's not what you want to do. It's completely legitimate to get married whenever you want, with whomever you want in attendance, whether you publicize your engagement or not. 

    DH and I got engaged back in October and everyone knew about it. People initially asked about our plans, which we didn't have at the time, so saying "we haven't really decided on anything yet" was the truth. We decided early this year (or late last year... I'm not sure) that we'd take a road trip down to New Orleans and get married at the courthouse there, just the two of us (plus a husband/wife photographer duo who acted as witnesses). By this time, most people had stopped asking what our plans were, so it wasn't a big deal. We didn't go to great lengths to hide it, but we didn't make a big spectacle about it, either. If people asked, we said we were getting married in NOLA on vacation, and not a single friend acted like they expected to be invited. We told our parents about our plan, and they were (mostly) accepting. His mom was initially disappointed that she wasn't invited, but she got over it quickly and was just happy for us once we explained our reasoning and desire for it to just be the two of us. Our situations are a lot like yours -- it was the second wedding for both of us, and our families completely took over the first in ways that made it not really about us, and not really about our marriage, but about appearances and a fancy party. 


    We're thrilled with how we went about things, and don't regret not inviting people for a single second. Everyone survived not being invited and all our personal relationships are just fine. Don't let people delegitimize what you want by insisting that you're obligated to invite your family. You're not. 


    She asked for ways she can avoid drama. . .inviting her family is one way to avoid some of it. But I never said she *had* to invite them.

    I also said if she really wants to elope she should do it, but forego the public engagement announcement to her family. Because based on what she's said here about her family, I think that will cause more drama then just eloping and then telling ppl she's married.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • abcdevonn said:
    Here's a question for people who have picked out their own rings-did FI/H ask you to marry him/her before OR after you had already picked out the ring together? I think I would be a ball of anxiety mixed with excitement if I already picked something out/had something made and was just waiting to be asked. Like, gimme the ring, damn it!


    I didn't pick out a ring, and we never went ring shopping. He knows my style and what I like, and luckily picked out the ring I had been coveting for about a year. He picked it out 2 years ago. So to say the proposal was a complete surprise is an understatement.


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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
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    abcdevonn said:
    Here's a question for people who have picked out their own rings-did FI/H ask you to marry him/her before OR after you had already picked out the ring together? I think I would be a ball of anxiety mixed with excitement if I already picked something out/had something made and was just waiting to be asked. Like, gimme the ring, damn it!
    We talked about getting married about 4 months before we were officially engaged. That conversation was not a "will you marry me" but a "are we on the same page that we want to get married? Do we want the same things?" conversation. So a few months later, we went to the jeweler together, simply because he wanted to buy me exactly what I wanted and not screw it up. So I tried on a few things, we looked at a few stones, I said what I liked and didn't like, and then he and the jeweler went to a back room to "talk." (AKA finalize the design, pick the stone, and decide on price.)
    I WAS like, gimme the ring damnit! LOL. I was excited, not anxious. Anxiety, I think, indicates an insecurity, as though "maybe he won't propose..." But I knew he would propose, I was just excited for when it would happen. 

    What's interesting about this conversation is that people are saying, "If you decided to get married, you're engaged." But the thing is, often people go to premarital counseling after getting engaged and maybe learn that they don't necessarily want the same things. It's hard to call off an engagement when the wedding planning is in full swing. But, when a couple talks about the hard concepts before getting engaged, they can really think about the right time to plan the wedding. Sometimes people have reasons for not getting married right away, even when they know they want to spent their life with the other person (paying down debt, getting ahead in a career to be a better provider, finishing school, whatever). In those few months for us, we talked a lot about our future. It's entirely possible DH could have gotten cold feet before proposing because something came out in our relationship in those months since we'd first started talking about it. So even though we felt confident we were getting married, it wasn't official till he got down on one knee, ya know? 
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    [Deleted User]lachattefatale
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited June 2015
    I know its not about me; but, I can only speak for myself.
    I just wanted to share my excitement, guys. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong...  :(

    Congrats!  I know what you're trying to say.  FI and I have had our wedding Month/Year in our heads since 2013/2014 when we sat down and started planning our futures.  We mutually made the decision to purchase our home first rather than get married sooner and I'm glad we did.  We're also in our thirties, so I think a lot of our priorities have shifted in the last decade. A wedding, to us was a one day celebration, and the home is where we chose to start our lives together.

    Throughout the whole home buying process we called each other Fiance, and now that we're engaged we say boyfriend and girlfriend LOL.  They're just words, who cares!?!  

    I never wanted to be "proposed to," didn't understand the fuss.  I  mean by the time *most* people get engaged now a days, they already know the other person will say yes.  So when he finally proposed (because getting down on one knee was super important to him), I was blown away, and still am, by how emotionally I reacted.  So based on my previous experience, I highly recommend that you enjoy your courting time, because the true engagement can be magical.  I actually cried last night when we started laying out music for the  DJ and played our song.  I'm such a sap!!  

    And I'm lucky, because during what you refer to as a pre-engagement, aka the time between deciding you want to spend the rest of your life together and making that promise an official promise, he had zero interest in details except a few things.  Now he wants to discuss color and music lists and photo spots and the list goes on.

    I agree, join the Not Yet Engaged board, do some preliminary research on venue costs, but none that take up a salespersons time, and pin so you can see a pattern in what you like and don't like and because it's fun.  And enjoy this time.  Don't rush it:).  
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    [Deleted User]
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