Engagement.

Knottie1437592489

Yeah but I guess she didn't want to go to begin with. She tried to have her mother cancel her flight and her mother got pissed off.

lyndausvi

climbingwife said:

Knottie1437592489 said:

Not saying that. She doesn't really want to be around the family and she obviously needs time alone.

Uh. Isn't she on vacation with all of you? 

well, to be fair vacation with my family is like 19 people.    Even I need a little alone time while on vacation with them.  Just a few hours on the beach reading a book does wonders.

Yet somehow we still are able to support each other.

Knottie1437592489 said:

Yeah but I guess she didn't want to go to begin with. She tried to have her mother cancel her flight and her mother got pissed off.

Well this is starting to make sense.   She didn't want to go, got guilted into going.  Then when she arrives everythings is about the newly engaged couple with a FSIL who cries at the drop of a hat.

randomslove

Knottie1437592489 said:

You're right, thank you. I thought it over, if she doesn't want our support as a family then fine so be it. I am over the moon about our engagement and I can't wait to spend my life with him. That's all that matters now.

Knottie1437592489 said:

My fiancé and I just got engaged last Tuesday, right before our/his family trip to Kauai. Everyone was ecstatic for us, so it seemed...

The next morning, his mom sent me a cute text message and congrats. I was a little hungover from enjoying myself the night before but as the day went on I realized that I had not heard from his sister. I thought it was a little odd and weird, since we are going to be sister in laws and family soon.

When my fiancé came home, we started talking and I mentioned I hadn't heard from her yet. He explained that she was going through a rough time right now (she recently got divorced - after a mock wedding/marriage - don't ask - they never even lived together during the marriage). Long story short, my fiancé said that and I told him I felt for her but it still really hurt my feelings. I was on the verge of getting a bit emotional too.

Especially since I was considering her being a bridesmaid, even after my fiancé said I didn't have to do that and that it wasn't customary. Even then, I told him I still wanted her in it and that it was important to my since she was going to be my only sister in law.

As DAYS passed and I still heard nothing, I started questioning whether it was even a good idea to include her as a bridesmaid. I was actually contemplating between two other friends before I thought about cutting her out of my list. So I consulted with my best friend and my cousin about it and both basically said the same thing. That it was weird and I should have girls who are going to lift me up on my big day, etc.

I even thought, maybe she's waiting to say something in person since we're all seeing each other Saturday in Kauai. I figured I'd wait to see her reaction to us and our engagement then. Well Saturday comes and his parents pick us up from the airport, they congratulate us of course but his sister to my surprise is no where to be found in the car. Whatever right, we go back to the timeshare and she's not in the room either. She's actually sunbathing on the beach and we could see her from the room. We had to switch rooms since there was 5 of us now. So we finally get all our stuff in the other room, we all helped. She didn't. Finally we are relaxing from moving everything and his mom goes out to go grab her. We're all sitting on the couch and chairs in the living room.

So finally she walks in and doesn't say a word! I was shocked. She started talking to her mom/dad about something. Didn't even say hi to either one of us or her twin brother, my fiancé. At this point, I was extremely upset to the point where I was about to burst into tears on the couch in front of everyone. I didn't want to cause a scene so I tried to be strong. My fiancé wanted to go visit his tattoo artist so his dad agreed to take us. I was starting to get more and more quiet.

His dad went out to get the car as we were getting our stuff to leave. I started walking out and ahead of my fiancé when he pulls me back and says "hey come here babe". I immediately bursted into tears and told him how hurt I was. It was bad, I didn't even realize myself how upset I was over it. We had had conversations leading up to this about her behavior so he knew what was wrong. I was embarrassed for even crying. My fiancé said that her attitude needs to shape up and when we got in the car he told me he had told his mom. I didn't even want to return to the room at this moment when we got back to the resort.

We get back and we decided walk down to the beach and drink some wine while we watch the sunset. I was still feeling really hurt by it and I started crying again. That was yesterday, since then she hasn't directly spoken to me, congratulated me, or even been in the same room with me alone. I even feel like she's avoided  trying to be in the same room as us.

We are still on vacation (this is where we want to have our wedding too FYI), this is supposed to be a happy and exciting trip for us to start planning. All I've felt his really hurt by this whole experience since being here. At this point, I don't even know what to do? I feel like no one has told her anything and she's just getting away with it. I've decided that if she can't even acknowledge our engagement or pretend to be happy for us, then I'm definitely not including her in my bridal party which saddens me but I'm just in disbelief by her behavior. This is nothing that can be reversed now.

I just don't know how to move on from this? Should I confront her and tell her that she really hurt me? Do I saw something to their mother? I'm so lost. 

Knottie1437592489 said:

I never said she wasn't supportive. She needs to be alone. I respect that. I never expected her to be gun ho about it.

Yes, you did. See where I bolded above?

Here's the thing, and it is really hard to remember this, I know: YOU are responsible for YOUR emotions. You are RESPONSIBLE for your emotions. You are responsible for YOUR EMOTIONS.

She never "made" you feel anything.

Take responsibility for your emotions. Realize you are the only one you can control in this situation. Change your perspective on the situation. If she was dragged there and wants to spend the entire time sulking, or mourning her relationship, let her. Maybe try to offer some her support, or don't. But don't sit here and complain about it on the internet to strangers, and DON'T complain to all of your FILs and friends, because how is that going to help your relationship with her or them, or lower the drama that likes to occur around weddings?

[Deleted User]

I think we all know now why she didn't say congrats.

MairePoppy

Knottie1437592489 said:

Yeah but I guess she didn't want to go to begin with. She tried to have her mother cancel her flight and her mother got pissed off.

________________________________________________________

What? If you know that, why are you taking her self isolation so personally? 

Knottie1437592489

The vacation hasn't been about us at all or the "newly engaged couple". We are aware of what she's going through. Like I said we aren't brown nosing her by any means. She doesn't acknowledge us when we are in the same room together. We invite her to things and make an effort, she'd rather be alone. That's fine.

MandyMost

I couldn't for the life of me tell you who did or did not reach out to say congratulations after my engagement. I'm sure there were people in my life and/or our families who acted just like you're future SIL but I never noticed because I either wasn't thinking about my new engagement (it wasn't the end-all-be-all of my life, never mind anyone else's), or I was too busy saying "OMG I'm engaged! Isn't that great! I can't wait to plan the wedding. What do you think I should do? Ahhhhh!" to even notice that the person didn't congratulate me or mention the engagement. 

Also, you get to choose your fiance but you get stuck with their family. It's a fact of life. It doesn't matter if you always wanted to end up with a big loving family of in-laws, or a family that travels together, or a MIL who takes you under her wing as a daughter, or a SIL who acts like a best friend and sister. You get whatever potentially-crappy potentially-obnoxious potentially-doesn't-like-you family your fiance comes with. It would be good for you to adjust your expectations now. 

lyndausvi

Knottie1437592489 said:

The vacation hasn't been about us at all or the "newly engaged couple". We are aware of what she's going through. Like I said we aren't brown nosing her by any means. She doesn't acknowledge us when we are in the same room together. We invite her to things and make an effort, she'd rather be alone. That's fine.

I hope this is you taking what we said here and re-evaluating your OP rant.

Knottie1437592489

I was being a bit selfish or thinking about just my own feelings but I was in a moment of sadness. We make an effort, what more can we do for? Some people don't want that.

ShesSoCold

Knottie1437592489 said:

The vacation hasn't been about us at all or the "newly engaged couple". We are aware of what she's going through. Like I said we aren't brown nosing her by any means. She doesn't acknowledge us when we are in the same room together. We invite her to things and make an effort, she'd rather be alone. That's fine.

Edited to fix meme.

TrixieJess

randomslove said:

Why does her not saying "congratulations" on your personal, made-up timeline mean she's not supportive of your family? Maybe she is very supportive, but needs some time to herself.

There's this thing called dual perspective, wherein you should try not to jump to conclusions about other peoples' motivations. In fact, psychological studies say we often interpret people's motivations as more malicious than they actually are.

Again, I suggest trying to be supportive of her, since she is going through a tough life-change (even if her marriage was not motivated out of love, the divorce may still be a stressful event).

Don't you go trying to insert some of your logic here!

KatWAG

Knottie1437592489 said:

I was being a bit selfish or thinking about just my own feelings but I was in a moment of sadness. We make an effort, what more can we do for? Some people don't want that.

Please learn to use the quote button.

randomslove

Knottie1437592489 said:

I was being a bit selfish or thinking about just my own feelings but I was in a moment of sadness. We make an effort, what more can we do for? Some people don't want that.

But the problem is that, instead of saying just that, you got more defensive, started over-explaining and denying what you'd said before, instead of acknowledging you were being selfish and weak and owning up to it. It's okay to have moments of weakness and be petty. You are human. But it's not okay to badmouth someone to everyone you know (cousins, friends, family, their family) and obsess over it, and it kind of seems to me like that's what you were doing. I really hope it's true that you realize now you were being petty and selfish, and you're now trying to repair the damage you may have caused. I also hope you have a very happy marriage.

Be happy. Someone loves you enough that they want to spend forever with you, and that's a pretty awesome blessing.

NowIAmSyp

KatWAG said:

Knottie1437592489 said:

I was being a bit selfish or thinking about just my own feelings but I was in a moment of sadness. We make an effort, what more can we do for? Some people don't want that.

Please learn to use the quote button.

And please get off the computer while you're in HAWAII!!!    

Maggie0829

soontobesyp said:

KatWAG said:

Knottie1437592489 said:

I was being a bit selfish or thinking about just my own feelings but I was in a moment of sadness. We make an effort, what more can we do for? Some people don't want that.

Please learn to use the quote button.

And please get off the computer while you're in HAWAII!!!    

QFT

ETA: Unless it is to post a picture of you holding a cocktail with the beautiful landscape of Kauai behind you.

ShesSoCold

soontobesyp said:

KatWAG said:

Knottie1437592489 said:

I was being a bit selfish or thinking about just my own feelings but I was in a moment of sadness. We make an effort, what more can we do for? Some people don't want that.

Please learn to use the quote button.

And please get off the computer while you're in HAWAII!!!    

I don't know, if her being here and not with them makes the vacation better for the rest of the family, I'm willing to take one for the team here. 

OliveOilsMom

OP - Has it dawned on anyone in your FI's family that FSIL may be battling a bit of depression over her failed marriage.  Just because it was an arranged marriage for the purpose of a green card, doesn't mean that FSIL didn't develop real feelings for her H.  Perhaps she also was hopeful that her H would return the feelings she felt for him and now that it hasn't happened and they are divorcing, she is feeling that impact.  I think you should be a little concerned for FSIL that she is isolating herself so much from the rest of the group.  While some time alone may be good for her, but so much time alone may be a sign she needs some help.

Also, as a PP said, please use the "Quote" button at the bottom of a post, if you want to reply to that specific person.  It can be hard to follow who you are responding to.

madamerwin

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie1437592489 said:

The vacation hasn't been about us at all or the "newly engaged couple". We are aware of what she's going through. Like I said we aren't brown nosing her by any means. She doesn't acknowledge us when we are in the same room together. We invite her to things and make an effort, she'd rather be alone. That's fine.

Edited to fix meme.

Thank you! That was bothering me. Not sure what she was trying to say there...

ShesSoCold

tfmrserwin said:

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie1437592489 said:

The vacation hasn't been about us at all or the "newly engaged couple". We are aware of what she's going through. Like I said we aren't brown nosing her by any means. She doesn't acknowledge us when we are in the same room together. We invite her to things and make an effort, she'd rather be alone. That's fine.

Edited to fix meme.

Thank you! That was bothering me. Not sure what she was trying to say there...

Me too. OP needs to look that shit up. Because she's actually expecting the sister to brown nose her. OP could benefit from doing a little brown-nosing of the whole family, IMHO.

levioosa

I read this whole thread, and all I can think is: omg, grow the fuck up.  

Liatris2010

tfmrserwin said:

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie1437592489 said:

The vacation hasn't been about us at all or the "newly engaged couple". We are aware of what she's going through. Like I said we aren't brown nosing her by any means. She doesn't acknowledge us when we are in the same room together. We invite her to things and make an effort, she'd rather be alone. That's fine.

Edited to fix meme.

Thank you! That was bothering me. Not sure what she was trying to say there...

I think she is confusing brown nosing with rubbing her nose in it.

lovesclimbing

I want to know how your sister found out about your engagement.  Did you or her brother tell her? Was it from an FB post?  I see nothing in your posts about you or your brother calling and telling her. Presumably, if you had actually told her, she would have said "Oh how nice, congratulations!" 

It sounds like she found out via social media or another person, and honestly, I would be incredibly hurt if I found out that way about a sibling's big news.  Maybe she's hurt that you guys didn't make the effort to tell her in person or at least give her a call.

lightningsnow

lovesclimbing said:

I want to know how your sister found out about your engagement.  Did you or her brother tell her? Was it from an FB post?  I see nothing in your posts about you or your brother calling and telling her. Presumably, if you had actually told her, she would have said "Oh how nice, congratulations!" 

It sounds like she found out via social media or another person, and honestly, I would be incredibly hurt if I found out that way about a sibling's big news.  Maybe she's hurt that you guys didn't make the effort to tell her in person or at least give her a call.

This. I just went back and read the OP and it doesn't mention in there about if the OP called to tell everyone the news or not. I certainly hope that you two at least called the important people in your lives, ex. parents and siblings, first prior to posting it anywhere on social media.

As the only sister out of five children, I can tell you I would be hurt if I found out any of my brothers got engaged via social media rather than a call to me or one from my parents. And I'm not particularly close with some of them but that is a common courtesy to give to your parents and siblings.

climbingsingle

I feel for your FSIL even more now. She's going through a shitty time in her life. She probably didn't want to be on a family vacation but her mom basically forced her to go. And now she's got you crying because she didn't say congrats. And you're causing unnecessary drama on a family vacation. Honestly, if I had a SIL behave like that, I wouldn't want to be friends with her either. 

Did you or your FI call her directly to tell her you had gotten engaged? 

kvruns

lovesclimbing said:

I want to know how your sister found out about your engagement.  Did you or her brother tell her? Was it from an FB post?  I see nothing in your posts about you or your brother calling and telling her. Presumably, if you had actually told her, she would have said "Oh how nice, congratulations!" 

It sounds like she found out via social media or another person, and honestly, I would be incredibly hurt if I found out that way about a sibling's big news.  Maybe she's hurt that you guys didn't make the effort to tell her in person or at least give her a call.

Good point!  I know when my brother and SIL found out they were pregnant I was never told. I didn't see it on social media but months later my mom made a comment I was like oh are they having a baby?  Mom was like yea didn't you know, and I said nope no one ever told me. They'd told the rest of the family but forgot me I guess.  I was hurt and never reached out to say congrats....petty of me probably but until they actually told me about it I didn't say anything.

luckya23

I still haven't congratulated my "future sister in law" (we'll see) who almost got engaged at my wedding (thanks, MIL!). 

I only came in here to see if this was about me! lol

luckya23

Knottie1437592489 said:

Not saying that. She doesn't really want to be around the family and she obviously needs time alone.

HOLD UP

Are you including yourself in "the family"?  As in, her actual family? 

And when you say "there are now 5 of you so you had to move rooms" - did you horn in on this vacation bc of your engagement, or were you always scheduled to go?

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie1437592489 said:

Okay ladies, I'm not some cry baby bitch that is being insensitive to my FSIL's feelings. And thank you to the few people that actually gave me supportive and good advice. I even appreciate the advice that I didn't want to hear but needed to. But geez, some of you ladies are just being straight insensitive to my feelings as well. There are nicer ways to say things. And yes, maybe my story does sound one sided. It was. Obviously you all are not going to know the full story. However, she did decide to marry one of her college friends just so he could get citizenship. Were they in love? No. Did they get married for the right reasons? No. They didn't kiss at the court house, they didn't have a honeymoon, he split after the nice luncheon her mother paid for, and his parents awkwardly thanked her as they were leaving. No, I did NOT expect her to be over the moon and back about our engagement. All I fucking would have liked was a simple hi or congrats. I didn't think it was that hard? I didn't even realize like I said before that it would mean anything to me. It took one of my other family members a while to say congrats to me too. I didn't cry over that. I didn't even care! I would have been a lot more empathetic had I known she was going through it. When she got divorced, we all thought it was part of the plan that had previously been discussed when it was first arranged. His sister has claimed that she likes me, I know she's going through a rough time. I do respect that she needs time to grieve. But to mutter one word... I'm sorry. My bad, I guess. I didn't ask her to stare at my fucking ring or take a picture for memories. I'm not brown nosing her about all our plans and ideas. This trip isn't about us or me. I know that. I'm sorry his parents actually don't exactly side with her either. That his mom is actually crying over everything that is happening too. We all feel bad, we are here to support her as her family. Not bring the family dynamic down. We invite her to things, she says no. Fine. Fuck it. I was fucking hurt is all. I needed to vent. I wanted support. Good advice not rude comments, even if I am being a bit sensitive or insensitive to her. But fuck me for caring I guess.

So maybe's she's bummed that her friend, who she entered into a sham marriage with, is now possibly getting deported? I imagine you'd have to be pretty fucking close to someone to risk the legal and financial ramifications of immigration fraud.  Myabe she really *did* have feelings for him?

Or she's just not that into you.

GTFO off TK and enjoy Kawaii, FFS!

PrettyGirlLost

Wait, the more I read, the less any of this makes sense.

So are you saying that your SIL, who was part of a sham marriage in order to participate in immigration fraud, actually *is* upset over divorcing her friend/husband. . . even though he left her as soon as the luncheon the day of their ceremony?

Because before you divulged that info, you were making it sound like she wasn't upset over the divorce. . . but now she needs time alone?

arrippa

PrettyGirlLost said:

Wait, the more I read, the less any of this makes sense.

So are you saying that your SIL, who was part of a sham marriage in order to participate in immigration fraud, actually *is* upset over divorcing her friend/husband. . . even though he left her as soon as the luncheon the day of their ceremony?

Because before you divulged that info, you were making it sound like she wasn't upset over the divorce. . . but now she needs time alone?

There is no place for common sense in this thread. I mean, why be on a computer when you are in Hawaii!!!!!