Wedding Invitations & Paper

Guest List

We are trying to keep our wedding guest list to those we are close with and know both of us very well. I have a lot of cousins and it was an effort to get them all on the guest list as it is.  I have two older cousins (19 and 24yo) and both of their parents (my aunts) have asked me if the significant others are invited. I addressed the save the dates to the parents and the cousins only for this reason. Am I in the wrong? And how do I respond? 
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Re: Guest List

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2015
    If your cousins are in a relationship, you must invite their S/Os, but it is too early to make that decision.  Wait until the invitations go out.  By that time, you will be able to learn if they are in relationships, or not.  A lot can change in a few months.
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  • What do I say to my aunts in the mean time? lol
  • it's my 19 year old cousin's first college boyfriend and my 24 year old's girlfriend that i've met once. 
  • alsmith18 said:
    What do I say to my aunts in the mean time? lol
    We haven't finished our plans yet.  Have you tried the bean dip?  It's wonderful!
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  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    alsmith18 said:
    it's my 19 year old cousin's first college boyfriend and my 24 year old's girlfriend that i've met once. 
    You only knew your FH for a few months at one point, yes? And there were surely people who didn't meet you for awhile after you guys got together? That's not a reason not to invite them. Weddings are way more comfortable and fun for guests when they have a date to spend the evening with.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    kimmiinthemitten
  • We are not inviting my fiancé's god-sisters boyfriend as it is a new relationship as well, we have never met him, and we have to keep our guest list small as we already booked our venue, and it is small. We told her up front that he will not be invited as we have large families and cannot invite every single person's significant other. Just be honest and that's your best bet.
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  • We are not inviting my fiancé's god-sisters boyfriend as it is a new relationship as well, we have never met him, and we have to keep our guest list small as we already booked our venue, and it is small. We told her up front that he will not be invited as we have large families and cannot invite every single person's significant other. Just be honest and that's your best bet.

    ------------

    Unfortunately you are going to be very unhappy when we point out how rude it is to invite an adult to your wedding without their partner because you don't deem their relationship to be 'serious' in your eyes. Be honest by all means, but know that its a crappy thing to do.

    I really suggest that you lurk here for a while, you will definitely benefit from it!
                 
    MyNameIsNot
  • She was quite understanding because she is a kind person. I have been invited to my share of weddings where my fiancé, boyfriend at the time, was not invited due to guest limits. It's perfectly understandable to me.

    Also, let's not have this turn into a post about MY decisions. She asked for advice, I'm giving her mine on what I've done in a similar situation.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2015
    How do you decide if a relationship is too new to be significant? If your aunts are asking about the bf and gf, perhaps they are telling you that the relationships are significant. 

    By the way, those two cousins should receive their own invitations, since they are over 18.
                       
    [Deleted User]mollybarker11
  • She was quite understanding because she is a kind person. I have been invited to my share of weddings where my fiancé, boyfriend at the time, was not invited due to guest limits. It's perfectly understandable to me.

    Also, let's not have this turn into a post about MY decisions. She asked for advice, I'm giving her mine on what I've done in a similar situation.

    --------

    You posted about YOUR decisions in order to give the OP bad advice, so......

    Also guess what, people are usually gracious to your face.
                 
    [Deleted User]
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2015
    @alsmith18 you could tell your aunts that your guest list isn't finalzied. Check back with the cousins before you send the invitations. If they are still attached to their bf, gf, you should include them, by name, on the cousins' invitations. If they aren't with their bf/gf when you send the invitations, you aren't obligated to invite them to bring a 'and guest.' I hope that helps you with your decision.
                       
  • She was quite understanding because she is a kind person. I have been invited to my share of weddings where my fiancé, boyfriend at the time, was not invited due to guest limits. It's perfectly understandable to me.

    Also, let's not have this turn into a post about MY decisions. She asked for advice, I'm giving her mine on what I've done in a similar situation.

    -------- You posted about YOUR decisions in order to give the OP bad advice, so...... Also guess what, people are usually gracious to your face.

    Maybe in YOUR opinion it is bad advice. But to me, it makes perfect sense and is absolutely okay.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    She was quite understanding because she is a kind person. I have been invited to my share of weddings where my fiancé, boyfriend at the time, was not invited due to guest limits. It's perfectly understandable to me.

    Also, let's not have this turn into a post about MY decisions. She asked for advice, I'm giving her mine on what I've done in a similar situation.

    -------- You posted about YOUR decisions in order to give the OP bad advice, so...... Also guess what, people are usually gracious to your face.

    Maybe in YOUR opinion it is bad advice. But to me, it makes perfect sense and is absolutely okay.
    Whether it makes sense to you or not does not make it "absolutely okay" or good advice.

    Whether or not it is consistent with good etiquette is what makes it good advice.

    Good etiquette holds that you do not make assumptions about how serious other people's relationships are and either invite or not invite their SOs accordingly.  That's not "advice" or "opinion," BTW.  It is a rule of good manners.  If you want to disagree, you're barking up the wrong tree in this forum and in life.
    MairePoppy[Deleted User]MyNameIsNot
  • Jen4948 said:

    She was quite understanding because she is a kind person. I have been invited to my share of weddings where my fiancé, boyfriend at the time, was not invited due to guest limits. It's perfectly understandable to me.

    Also, let's not have this turn into a post about MY decisions. She asked for advice, I'm giving her mine on what I've done in a similar situation.

    -------- You posted about YOUR decisions in order to give the OP bad advice, so...... Also guess what, people are usually gracious to your face.

    Maybe in YOUR opinion it is bad advice. But to me, it makes perfect sense and is absolutely okay.
    Whether it makes sense to you or not does not make it "absolutely okay" or good advice.

    Whether or not it is consistent with good etiquette is what makes it good advice.

    Good etiquette holds that you do not make assumptions about how serious other people's relationships are and either invite or not invite their SOs accordingly.  That's not "advice" or "opinion," BTW.  It is a rule of good manners.  If you want to disagree, you're barking up the wrong tree in this forum and in life.


    I didn't say it was good or bad advice, I simply based it off what I am doing. And I actually have pretty good manners, which is why I have been doing just fine in life, thank you for the concern.

    What do you suggest someone do if they have a small venue and absolutely do not have room for someone to invite their significant other? If you are absolutely at your cut off and it's "Invite so-and-so's significant other, or invite your other cousin"... Please tell me... "According to good etiquette"

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  • Jen4948 said:





    She was quite understanding because she is a kind person. I have been invited to my share of weddings where my fiancé, boyfriend at the time, was not invited due to guest limits. It's perfectly understandable to me.

    Also, let's not have this turn into a post about MY decisions. She asked for advice, I'm giving her mine on what I've done in a similar situation.

    --------

    You posted about YOUR decisions in order to give the OP bad advice, so......

    Also guess what, people are usually gracious to your face.

    Maybe in YOUR opinion it is bad advice. But to me, it makes perfect sense and is absolutely okay.

    Whether it makes sense to you or not does not make it "absolutely okay" or good advice.

    Whether or not it is consistent with good etiquette is what makes it good advice.

    Good etiquette holds that you do not make assumptions about how serious other people's relationships are and either invite or not invite their SOs accordingly.  That's not "advice" or "opinion," BTW.  It is a rule of good manners.  If you want to disagree, you're barking up the wrong tree in this forum and in life.



    I didn't say it was good or bad advice, I simply based it off what I am doing. And I actually have pretty good manners, which is why I have been doing just fine in life, thank you for the concern.

    What do you suggest someone do if they have a small venue and absolutely do not have room for someone to invite their significant other? If you are absolutely at your cut off and it's "Invite so-and-so's significant other, or invite your other cousin"... Please tell me... "According to good etiquette"

    -------

    You invite the guest list you have space for and can afford to host properly. Not a hard concept for people with pretty good manners.

    OP, like others have said, as it isn't time for the invites to be sent yet just wait and see whether they are in a relationship at that point. If they persist in asking its totally reasonable to just say that the guest list is still being finalised.

                 
  • Okay. So you forfit the venue of your dreams if it has a small capacity? :D
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  • OP, your cousins should get their own invitations, even if they live with their parents, because they are adults.  Only actual children (under 18) get included on their parents' invitations.

    You need to invite the cousin's SOs if they are still together when the invites go out.  I'd be inclined to tell your aunt that yes, you will be inviting the boyfriends and girlfriends of cousins when the invites are sent (thus making it clear that you are not extending +1s in the case that they do break up and think they can bring whomever they want)... unless your aunt is the type to just assume that means they can bring anybody.  In that case, I would take OPs advice and say the guest is still being finalized and change the subject. 


  • Dream venue?  Wedding visions?  This is what Miss Manners has to say:

    1. When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married.

    2. People are more important than menus. Figure out first whom you want to have there, and then what you can afford to serve them, not the other way around.

    3. A phrase you will be happier if you forget: "the perfect wedding." Perfection does not exist this side of heaven, especially when it involves complicated arrangements and all kinds of other people, and you'll drive yourself and others crazy if you think you can achieve it.

    4. Another phrase you will be happier forgetting: "It's your day." The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril.



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    MyNameIsNot
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2015
    This is how you plan a wedding:

    1.  Make up your budget.
    2.   Draw up your guest list.  Include everybody and their S/Os.
    3.   If you are Catholic, talk to your priest ASAP.
    4.   NOW you can look at venues.  Any venue that cannot fit your guest list, your budget, or coordinate with your ceremony time is NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!

    It sounds like you are planning your wedding completely backwards.
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    [Deleted User]
  • particuliersylpheparticuliersylphe My heart belongs to Baltimore. member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Okay. So you forfit the venue of your dreams if it has a small capacity? :D
    I gave up my "dream venue" promptly upon realizing there'd be no chairs for the ceremony. The very important reason being people are more important than a place.
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    [Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    alsmith18 said:
    it's my 19 year old cousin's first college boyfriend and my 24 year old's girlfriend that i've met once. 
    They need to be invited. It doesn't matter that it's someone's first boyfriend or if you've only met someone once. There were many spouses of people at our wedding I had never met. I didn't even meet my husband's mother, brother, or sister until the rehearsal dinner. Should I not have allowed them to come, having only met them once, after all? 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • One of the bridesmaids at daughter's wedding asked if her recently acquired boyfriend could come.  We cheerfully said, "Of course!"  They have been together for almost 5 years, now.  It is not your place to judge relationships.
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  • A friend of mine had invited me, but not H (then BF) to their wedding. They knew him well, but claimed "space" issues. Of course I was understanding in person, but in reality I was hurt and thought it was pretty rude. She told me at the time, "oh if we get enough declines he can come". I'm sorry but B-listing or not inviting SOs is rude, even if your friends and family are too polite to say that to you.
    AddieCakeMairePoppykimmiinthemitten[Deleted User]
  • "If the invitation does not say "and guest" DO NOT bring a guest. Yes, it is unfortunate that you may have to spend an evening apart from your significant other and you may not know anyone else that is attending the wedding, but, think of it as an adventure. The bride and groom are not doing this to be cruel; maybe their dream venue could not hold a large group; maybe their budget was tight. Regardless of their reason, it's their reason and it's their wedding."

    Copied from an article posted on TheKnot.com. Just saying.
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