Help with a bridesmaid that has DEEPLY hurt me...

JediElizabeth · January 2016

"she also lives on park avenue in manhattan."

I think PPs mostly have it covered, but knowing her zip code does not mean you know her budget. This is such a silly thing to add into your post. When I was single, I used to afford my own place in downtown Hoboken, and I still wouldn't spend $400-$500 on a friend's wedding unless they were my (current) best friend. For someone you've grown apart from? That's asking a lot.

I also don't see where she was mean to you in those texts.

lyndausvi · January 2016

JediElizabeth said:

"she also lives on park avenue in manhattan." I think PPs mostly have it covered, but knowing her zip code does not mean you know her budget. This is such a silly thing to add into your post. When I was single, I used to afford my own place in downtown Hoboken, and I still wouldn't spend $400-$500 on a friend's wedding unless they were my (current) best friend. For someone you've grown apart from? That's asking a lot. I also don't see where she was mean to you in those texts.

I know a few people who live in Manhattan. They are some of my poorest friends due to rents being so high.

floridabride44 · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

the responses i'm seeing assume that i didn't speak to my girls about their budgets. please believe me when i say, i did. i have made it my first priority to always talk to them about what they feel okay and not okay spending money on. I never, ever meant or intended any of this to happen. my mom only wanted their help with decorating and games. they aren't responsible for paying for the venue.

i also advocate for treating my bridesmaids like humans. i'm not sure what is coming off in a way that i am not.

i don't pepper them with annoying questions or demands about being places or constant emails. i was going to treat them to breakfast the morning of the wedding while we got ready.

i also know that $300 is a lot of money. i do not have any sort of high paying job. i did not consult online references for what was acceptable and not acceptable. i talked to several bridesmaids all with different jobs and who live in different places.

so please understand, i have taken EVERY measure i can to consider them and their situations.

That is wrong of your mom. Your mom doesn't get to spend other people's money. If she wants to throw a shower, she should fund it. If others OFFER to help pay or co-host, then that's fine. But asking people to chip in is a huge no-no. Extremely rude. If I was your BM I'd be pissed off, too.

And if you want to spend the morning of your wedding getting ready with your BMs, choose a cheaper hair/makeup place. Or go to the salon where they're going. You have to choose- expensive hair/makeup or spending that time with your BMs. Just pick which one is more important to you.

Knottie1434719688 · January 2016

Uhhhh read through my original post. My mom asked the girls to do games and decorations. They agreed to help host it. She is paying for the entire venue with my aunts. Jesus Christ. You are all making a ton of assumptions about me as a person. that's my main problem with this girl. She starts issues when she has her wires crossed all the time. In our neck of the woods, the bridal party helps to throw the shower. Not foot the bill. No one ever asked her to do that. Not sure how many other ways I can frikking write that.

flantastic · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Uhhhh read through my original post. My mom asked the girls to do games and decorations. They agreed to help host it. She is paying for the entire venue with my aunts. Jesus Christ. You are all making a ton of assumptions about me as a person. that's my main problem with this girl. She starts issues when she has her wires crossed all the time. In our neck of the woods, the bridal party helps to throw the shower. Not foot the bill. No one ever asked her to do that. Not sure how many other ways I can frikking write that.

Buying decorations (or things to make them) costs money.

You are not understanding how little costs add up.

Knottie1434719688 · January 2016

Yes. Yes I do. I just helped throw a shower. I have left over decorations so they don't need to spend money.

ShesSoCold · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Yes. Yes I do. I just helped throw a shower. I have left over decorations so they don't need to spend money.

Oh, well, what YOU have done changes EVERYTHING.

Seriously, admit your fault to your friend and move on with your life. Or if always being right is more important to you, tell her that and she'll be able to move on with her life.

TrixieJess · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Uhhhh read through my original post. My mom asked the girls to do games and decorations. They agreed to help host it. She is paying for the entire venue with my aunts. Jesus Christ. You are all making a ton of assumptions about me as a person. that's my main problem with this girl. She starts issues when she has her wires crossed all the time. In our neck of the woods, the bridal party helps to throw the shower. Not foot the bill. No one ever asked her to do that. Not sure how many other ways I can frikking write that.

Hi, welcome to The Knot. Here Bridesmaids are responsible for buying a dress (after privately discussing budget), showing up on the wedding day in good spirits, relatively sober and posing for pictures. Fin.

So, in your pretty little world bridesmaids are little worker elves who can be fired at will and any dissension earns them black marks in your books. Do I have this right? Your lack of capitilisation and punctuation make my eyes bleed and I can't read your posts completely.

CMGragain · January 2016

Here is what Miss Manners (Judith Martin) has to say about showers:

"Bridal showers, and for that matter, baby showers, are supposed to be informal gatherings of the honoree’s close friends, who give charming little (repeat: little) presents befitting the circumstances-to-be. For the honoree’s parents to give showers, whether or not they can afford to do so, not only looks vulgar because of the focus on presents, but also destroys the premise.

Those monster showers given today have become a burden on both hosts and guests, another in a series of events designed to collect whatever goods the honorees have announced that they want."

levioosa · January 2016

Clearly OP is just here for validation. You won't get it though, because YOU are in the wrong, not your BM.

Knottie1434719688 · January 2016

Wow. I have asked my girls for their input for everything as they did with their weddings. A miscommunication between friends doesn't mean you berate them. That was my only point.

flantastic · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Yes. Yes I do. I just helped throw a shower. I have left over decorations so they don't need to spend money.

What are you wanting from us? "Yes, she's obviously a bitch?" None of what you said would convey that. She doesn't seem totally unreasonable. You don't seem like a total bridezilla, just like you've made a misstep here or there in the assumption of costs. Maybe you both like drama, I don't know. It definitely seems like you do. Call her to clear things up if she's your friend. Tell her you can use whatever decorations (I'm sure she doesn't know that, because you haven't talked to her).

I think you have a fundamental misconception about what a bridal party is for. They are not there to throw you parties (or help with them in any way). "Where I come from, bridal parties do this" is not a good enough reason for someone who is supposedly in a position of honor to be pressured by you, by your mom, etc. to do something they don't actually want to do. You honor the bridal party as the people with whom you are closest, by asking them to stand physically the closest to you as you get married. Expecting things from them is not a way to honor them. You're trying to say "I've only expected little things from them" and that still doesn't fly.

Many bridal parties offer to throw parties, but I am sure that somewhere either you or your mom made it clear that certain unnecessary things are expected, and whether she's bringing it up because she's secretly concerned about her finances, or is upset on principle, or did it for someone else's wedding, or actually doesn't like you very much, those things still aren't expected.

thisismynickname2 · January 2016

DD (dirty delete) is rude. You were quoted. FYI.

ShesSoCold · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Wow. I have asked my girls for their input for everything as they did with their weddings. A miscommunication between friends doesn't mean you berate them. That was my only point.

How many times do we need to tell you that what was done in previous weddings with other people or what you're used to or what happens in your "neck of the woods" means absolutely nothing?

teddygirl9 · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Yes. Yes I do. I just helped throw a shower. I have left over decorations so they don't need to spend money.

This isn't E approved - but why don't YOU just decorate then? You aren't supposed to throw your own shower or Bparty, but I think I'd rather YOU do the work and YOU spend the money than force it onto your poor BMs.

levioosa · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Wow. I have asked my girls for their input for everything as they did with their weddings. A miscommunication between friends doesn't mean you berate them. That was my only point.

Maybe they were sick of you constantly texting them about the wedding.

lyndausvi · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Wow. I have asked my girls for their input for everything as they did with their weddings. A miscommunication between friends doesn't mean you berate them. That was my only point.

Look this is the deal. She misunderstood things. I dont see her treating you bad, however I can see how you might jump to those conclusions. Which made you get all defensive when she was simply communicate with you. Around and around you go.

The only way to get off this merry-go-round is to kick her out. Or be the bigger person and recognize that for whatever reason there is a misunderstanding, apologize and move on.

If you would rather play the martyr card. Go ahead, have fun. Personally I have better things to do that deal with childish behavior over a misunderstanding.

MyNameIsNot · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Uhhhh read through my original post. My mom asked the girls to do games and decorations. They agreed to help host it. She is paying for the entire venue with my aunts. Jesus Christ. You are all making a ton of assumptions about me as a person. that's my main problem with this girl. She starts issues when she has her wires crossed all the time. In our neck of the woods, the bridal party helps to throw the shower. Not foot the bill. No one ever asked her to do that. Not sure how many other ways I can frikking write that.

Still inappropriate. Your mom was wrong to ask them to do anything.

It's clear from the text exchange that you think that BMs are supposed to be involved in a shower and that they are lucky they didn't have to pay for the venue. You are wrong.

Instead of freaking out and responding non-sense on here like you've been doing to the BM, take a deep breath and read the etiquette on here. For example, on showers: A shower is thrown by someone who offers to throw a shower. Anyone other than the bride and groom can offer, no one is responsible or expected to. When someone offers to host, she takes on the responsibilities of the whole event. She does not delegate responsibilities or costs to anyone else, except that she can ask the couple for a guest list. If someone offers to help her, she can choose whether or not to accept that help.

drunkenwitch · January 2016

Heffalump said:

drunkenwitch said:

Can someone sum up? I couldn't make it through the original post.

Bride used to be friends with four people in middle school. Describes her friendship with 2/4 as "non-existant" [sic].

Edit: naturally, all four of these women are now her bridesmaids.

[drama]

Bride booked hair and makeup. Told BMs it was on them, and if they can only do one, pick hair, 'cause they can do their own makeup. [side-eye]

One BM said it was out of her budget and booked somewhere else. Other BMs followed suit. Bride is displeased because she "was planning on all of us having breakfast together and watchign [sic] dumb wedding movies while we started getting ready in the morning?" Bride tries to pressure BMs into all getting their hair done together, to the point of subsidizing the assistant (but not the main stylist). BM is not biting via text, and correctly points out that if hair is required, it's on the bride; otherwise, they're going where they can afford.

BM points out they they are already chipping in for the shower, and "enough is enough."

Bride says she chipped in for someone else's shower. "the bridesmaids are absolutely supposed to help with the shower." /fin

Bride then claims in her post that she was "hysterical" reading these texts.

Oh, and the texting BM lives on Park Avenue. You know, in Manhattan.

Oh my...

Whatever happened to picking up the phone and using your words to sort out misunderstandings?

Knottie1434719688 · January 2016

Not looking for anything, ladies. Just trying to sort it out. Geez.

ShesSoCold · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Not looking for anything, ladies. Just trying to sort it out. Geez.

Per your second post, you were looking for opinions on what to do and whether or not her behavior was "grounds for dismissal". Have you gotten you answer? Can I ask what you plan to do?

Knottie1434719688 · January 2016

I think there's something to be said for letting both people cool off before picking up the phone. This just happened. I wish I could convey what happened accurately but obviously a forum is not the place for that. Thank you for your thoughts. Rest assured, I do not look at bridesmaids as worker elves or whatever else you may think of me. Not sure where that perception occurred but I digress. Enjoy the rest of your night.

MyNameIsNot · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

I think there's something to be said for letting both people cool off before picking up the phone. This just happened. I wish I could convey what happened accurately but obviously a forum is not the place for that. Thank you for your thoughts. Rest assured, I do not look at bridesmaids as worker elves or whatever else you may think of me. Not sure where that perception occurred but I digress. Enjoy the rest of your night.

From your initial post, your C&P text exchange, and your follow up posts.

When you have calmed down, please come back and read what you have written. I think it will help you tremendously in resolving your issues with the BM.

lyndausvi · January 2016

it's not nice to delete your post. Have no fear, it was quoted already.

flantastic · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

I think there's something to be said for letting both people cool off before picking up the phone. This just happened. I wish I could convey what happened accurately but obviously a forum is not the place for that. Thank you for your thoughts. Rest assured, I do not look at bridesmaids as worker elves or whatever else you may think of me. Not sure where that perception occurred but I digress. Enjoy the rest of your night.

This just happened, yet you've had time to show it to all your other bridesmaids and write several novels. Good Lord.

And there really should not have been any need to "cool off" based on said text exchange.

MobKaz · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

Uhhhh read through my original post. My mom asked the girls to do games and decorations. They agreed to help host it. She is paying for the entire venue with my aunts. Jesus Christ. You are all making a ton of assumptions about me as a person. that's my main problem with this girl. She starts issues when she has her wires crossed all the time. In our neck of the woods, the bridal party helps to throw the shower. Not foot the bill. No one ever asked her to do that. Not sure how many other ways I can frikking write that.

This is where the story should begin and end. This is someone you have known for years. You are clearly aware that she "starts issues when she has her wires crossed", and apparently this happens "all the time".

Knottie1434719688, if you were aware of her character traits, you should have nipped this drama in the bud with a simple, clear, and concise conversation.

I understand that timing a phone call might be tricky, but it is NOT impossible. My son and his wife lived across the country from each other for a year. They are also medical residents and often have long and/or opposite working hours. They managed to find a time for phone calls even with extreme time zone differences and sleep schedules.

drunkenwitch · January 2016

Knottie1434719688 said:

I think there's something to be said for letting both people cool off before picking up the phone. This just happened. I wish I could convey what happened accurately but obviously a forum is not the place for that. Thank you for your thoughts. Rest assured, I do not look at bridesmaids as worker elves or whatever else you may think of me. Not sure where that perception occurred but I digress. Enjoy the rest of your night.

Really, it "just" happened, is that in human time or geologic time because that's a whole lot of writing for something that just happened.

tigerlily6 · January 2016

lembaslover · January 2016

MobKaz said:

Knottie1434719688 said:

Uhhhh read through my original post. My mom asked the girls to do games and decorations. They agreed to help host it. She is paying for the entire venue with my aunts. Jesus Christ. You are all making a ton of assumptions about me as a person. that's my main problem with this girl. She starts issues when she has her wires crossed all the time. In our neck of the woods, the bridal party helps to throw the shower. Not foot the bill. No one ever asked her to do that. Not sure how many other ways I can frikking write that.

This is where the story should begin and end. This is someone you have known for years. You are clearly aware that she "starts issues when she has her wires crossed", and apparently this happens "all the time".

Knottie1434719688, if you were aware of her character traits, you should have nipped this drama in the bud with a simple, clear, and concise conversation.

I understand that timing a phone call might be tricky, but it is NOT impossible. My son and his wife lived across the country from each other for a year. They are also medical residents and often have long and/or opposite working hours. They managed to find a time for phone calls even with extreme time zone differences and sleep schedules.

The bolded statement is so true. When DH and I were dating (right before we got engaged) he went to Malaysia for work for a month which is 12-13 hour time difference. Guess what, we talked for a couple minutes on the phone EVERY day. It meant that I gave him a quick call when I got up in the morning as he just got home from work. Then he'd call me before he went to work. You can make a call happen if you try.

PP are right. Your friend wasn't rude so get over that. Stop involving other people. Apologize to your friend and tell her she doesn't need to pay for hair/makeup and that you'd like her to be with you that morning accepting that she and the other BMs may still decide to go to the other place.

Or don't, kick her out, watch your other friendships suffer and then live with your choice. Honestly your friends will probably be better off without you judging where they live and what their financial situations are like...

ShesSoCold · January 2016

drunkenwitch said:

Knottie1434719688 said:

I think there's something to be said for letting both people cool off before picking up the phone. This just happened. I wish I could convey what happened accurately but obviously a forum is not the place for that. Thank you for your thoughts. Rest assured, I do not look at bridesmaids as worker elves or whatever else you may think of me. Not sure where that perception occurred but I digress. Enjoy the rest of your night.

Really, it "just" happened, is that in human time or geologic time because that's a whole lot of writing for something that just happened.

And OP said that she would have kicked this BM out two days ago....

So much this

Help with a bridesmaid that has DEEPLY hurt me...

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