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Etiquette

Are We Doing Anything Wrong??

24

Re: Are We Doing Anything Wrong??

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2017
    I don't think you are doing anything wrong.  Your plans will be inconvenient for some people, and they may choose to not attend your wedding.  This is their choice.
    My wedding was on an inconvenient date for some of my family members.  The date was not flexible because of my husband's work schedule.  They complained, but ultimately, it was their choice to attend, or not.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    mollybarker11JediElizabethSP29MesmrEwe
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I wouldn't say what you were doing was rude, as one of your FI's family members, but I also probably wouldn't go, and would be a little sad that something that seemed relatively insignificant (the venue, the weekend, etc.) must have been more important than mine and my whole family's ability to attend easily.

    I'll feel this way about DH's cousin's destination wedding in Colorado, when both families (and recently also the couple) live in a different state. We won't go, and it's - welp, guess that vision of the location was more important than having a lot of the family there.

    Anniversary

    charlotte989875geebee908PrettyGirlLost
  • banana468 said:
    Keep in mind that the wedding on a Friday with travel for OOT guests means that they're taking off TWO days of work - not one.  You're having a lunch wedding which means that few guests will want to rely on morning travel and morning flights.   

    So your FI's family by suggesting the Friday wedding also now needs all of those guests to travel on Thursday too.    The event just turned into one that is becoming more and more inconvenient for them.

    No, nothing about it is truly against etiquette.   It's just increasing in cost and inconvenience.     I'm not sure of your ages but pre-kids that could be a consideration.   Now,  it's such a PITA to make something like that work.   
    Agreed, by moving it to Friday, FMIL and FBIL basically made it more inconvenient for not only themselves, but the entire guest list. My FH and I are in our mid 30's and I have a son who is in high school who is potentially writing exams the day of our wedding. Now I will have to make special arrangements with the school for him to write early if I can.  My daughter is in grade 7 so not as problematic but still crappy. This rearrangement was not my idea, and honestly I would rather just elope at this point, but my FH insists a proper wedding is super important to him *sigh*
    This sucks, it really does, and I'm sorry you're so unhappy about it. 

    But, unless I'm missing something, you moved the date, no? Not FMIL and FBIL? I know you said that because FBIL had another wedding the date had to be changed, but why not a different weekend? Or Friday night? I know this venue is important, but is it so important that you inconvenience the entire guest list? 

    Life is all about choices; you chose the venue, you chose to move the date to accommodate FBIL, no one forced you to do those things. 

    Honestly, it sounds like you need to have a talk with your FI if you are this unhappy about the plans. 
    Yes, I agreed to move the date because FH and FMIL felt it was more important to accommodate FBIL than anyone else.  I objected but since I am divorced I apparently "already got to have a wedding" and now I should be accommodating to whatever FH and Co wants. 

    When I try to talk to FH about how unhappy I am with the whole thing, he gets offended and takes it as a personal slight. We have been together for 8 years but this wedding is really bringing out the worst in him, and his Mom, whom I honestly usually adore and have a very good relationship with. 

    Yes, we picked the venue, a choice in hindsight that was probably a bit hasty. We just wanted to have it there because we love the mountains and it fit our budget.

    thank you by the way for all of your feedback. I let FH call most of the shots because "it's his wedding" I am told and it's his family being inconvenienced and he seemed ok with that but I feel like I am getting all the grief.  I am not surprised they are upset. Just disappointed I guess by how it's all been handled. 
  • You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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    kwiksilver
  • Echoing PPs, you definitely didn't come off as a bridezilla OP. If you were, you wouldn't have apologized and shared everything you did! I wish you the best of luck going forward with your FI, and I hope you both get the help & support you need. Stick around as you plan your wedding!
    kwiksilver
  • Hey OP, change your screen name into something that we can recognize.  This board may seem blunt but it is full of wonderful and supportive woman from all stages and walks of life.  We are full of wonderful advice and will always provide an outside perspective or just be an "ear to listen".  I am so terribly sorry that you are going through all these things now.  And I hope you are able to compromise on a wedding day that both you and your FI can enjoy.  Best of luck!
    kwiksilverSP29sparklepants41
  • I am so sorry to hear of your recent loss, OP.

    I hope you'll stick around!

    I hope you are able to discuss more of your marriage in your counseling sessions- sounds like your FI has thrown you under the bus with his family and isn't listening to you (and maybe it's his own grief- but it's not fair to you either). Since FI is the one who pushed you to making these decisions, while you should be presenting a united front, I would be firm with him that he needs to deal with the complaints and particularly deal with his family.

    You're not breaking etiquette, but your plans are inconvenient/ expensive (I think the most inconvenient is the Friday afternoon wedding). I think 30 mins is a fair drive (I think it's a pretty normal time frame to get many places in most cities), and personally, I expect to rent a car if I'm staying anywhere more than a day or two. But it IS a large expense and it would have been more convenient for flying guests to not have to travel additionally. I also do not consider camping an accommodation. DH and I are NOT campers, and I wouldn't be too happy about getting dressed up and doing my hair and make up at a camp site (i.e. it wouldn't be happening!). A shuttle from a hotel with a room block would go a long way. At then end of the day, you pick your location, plan your day, and own it. What you have to realize is that you may have guests decline because of those plans. An invitation is not a subpoena, so none of these people have to come, but it would've been nice for your FI to talk to his family about it first.
  • kwiksilverkwiksilver member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 2017
    SP29 said:
    I am so sorry to hear of your recent loss, OP.

    I hope you'll stick around!

    I hope you are able to discuss more of your marriage in your counseling sessions- sounds like your FI has thrown you under the bus with his family and isn't listening to you (and maybe it's his own grief- but it's not fair to you either). Since FI is the one who pushed you to making these decisions, while you should be presenting a united front, I would be firm with him that he needs to deal with the complaints and particularly deal with his family.

    You're not breaking etiquette, but your plans are inconvenient/ expensive (I think the most inconvenient is the Friday afternoon wedding). I think 30 mins is a fair drive (I think it's a pretty normal time frame to get many places in most cities), and personally, I expect to rent a car if I'm staying anywhere more than a day or two. But it IS a large expense and it would have been more convenient for flying guests to not have to travel additionally. I also do not consider camping an accommodation. DH and I are NOT campers, and I wouldn't be too happy about getting dressed up and doing my hair and make up at a camp site (i.e. it wouldn't be happening!). A shuttle from a hotel with a room block would go a long way. At then end of the day, you pick your location, plan your day, and own it. What you have to realize is that you may have guests decline because of those plans. An invitation is not a subpoena, so none of these people have to come, but it would've been nice for your FI to talk to his family about it first.
    Oh I definitely understand, I don't blame any of them who decline, and I'm really not the sort to fret about too-few guests (I wanted to just do a helicopter wedding where we only get to bring one witness each). That sounds not meant to sound like I am disregarding our guests, it's just my FH is the one who cares about how many people come. Even though his choices make it the most difficult for people to attend.  I did make certain at least that the guests will be 100% properly hosted and that my bridal party has zero duties except come to the event in the agreed upon outfit.  That was really the least I could do, all things considered.

    We are also hosting a casual all-day-drop-in BBQ at the venue on Saturday (since we were forced to pay for a 3-day rental) so that the people who do travel all the way can come back and visit, if they wish, and hopefully that helps make it feel "more worth while".  This will also be properly hosted, chairs, food, drinks, so forth.  I know, it's not much, but it seemed polite to offer some additional activities to guests while they are out there. 

    I understand camping isnt accomodations for everyone. We did arrange a block of rooms at the closest reasonably priced hotel. I arranged with the hotel for all guests to be provided free breakfast buffet there as well. I will see if I can get a shuttle arranged, because I agree that would be optimal. We don't have a super generous budget (especially if FMIL decides not to contribute as previously discussed) but we will make something work. 
    SP29
  • So sorry for your loss OP.  I didn't get a bridezilla either.  Change your username and stick around :) 
    kwiksilver
  • OP I think you are doing a great job making sure your guests are treated wonderfully. You also have a great attitude about declines.

    I'm so sorry about the miscarriage and subsequent health related issues. I, too, am glad that you and FI are getting counseling. My thoughts and prayers are with y'all. I really hope your wedding day is a memorable day for you both.
    kwiksilvermollybarker11cowgirl8238
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2017
    I attended a similar type wedding back in the fall.  I was local, but still had to travel 40-45 minutes to the reception and we were some of the locals closest to the venue.   The WP, some family and friends stayed in some of the cabins, others pitched some tents or sleep in their cars.   The bride was from MI the groom from OH.  So everyone in their families had to travel.  

    In addition to that the closest airport is very expensive (I rarely fly out of it's so expensive), so most people choose an airport 4 hours away because it was a 3rd of the cost.  

    The couple made sure to have a shuttle service for everyone.  Including locals.  

    I went to a wedding in Austria where the venue was 50 minutes from Vienna.  No real accommodations near the venue either.  The couple had shuttles from Vienna to the venue and back because they knew people were flying from other over the world and no one wanted to be driving all over the place to attend a reception.

    That made a huge difference.   Our social group drinks.  It doesn't matter if it's day or night.  We like a cocktail.  A wedding?  On vacation?  Hell, yeah.   Bring it on.

    Like others said, you are not doing anything wrong, but you are not making it easy for your guests either.  That includes either side.   Send out the invites, accept the responses and try and get a shuttle to make it easier for your guests if you can swing it.  It will be much appreciated.









    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    SP29
  • lyndausvi said:
    I attended a similar type wedding back in the fall.  I was local, but still had to travel 40-45 minutes to the reception and we were some of the locals closest to the venue.   The WP, some family and friends stayed in some of the cabins, others pitched some tents or sleep in their cars.   The bride was from MI the groom from OH.  So everyone in their families had to travel.  

    In addition to that the closest airport is very expensive (I rarely fly out of it's so expensive), so most people choose an airport 4 hours away because it was a 3rd of the cost.  

    The couple made sure to have a shuttle service for everyone.  Including locals.  

    I went to a wedding in Austria where the venue was 50 minutes from Vienna.  No real accommodations near the venue either.  The couple had shuttles from Vienna to the venue and back because they knew people were flying from other over the world and no one wanted to be driving all over the place to attend a reception.

    That made a huge difference.   Our social group drinks.  It doesn't matter if it's day or night.  We like a cocktail.  A wedding?  On vacation?  Hell, yeah.   Bring it on.

    Like others said, you are not doing anything wrong, but you are not making it easy for your guests either.  That includes either side.   Send out the invites, accepts the responses and try and get a shuttle to make it easier for your guests if you can swing it.  It will be much appreciated.



    I sent some emails regarding shuttles. I am glad you chimed in and that you've been to similar weddings that went ok!  That makes me feel a bit better. 
  • OP, I'm so sorry for your loss! Hang in there and stick around - this is a really great community here on TK. 
    cowgirl8238
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