Wedding Etiquette Forum

My dad is unable to dance with me at our wedding how do I still include him?

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Re: My dad is unable to dance with me at our wedding how do I still include him?

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don’t think it would be proper to dance with my mom she’s dancing with my fiancé I think she’s had a knee replacement but I don’t know if it would be the same sorry 😐 
    What?

    a) How do you not know if the mother you live with has had a knee replacement? And why would that knee replacement mean she can't dance with you if she's already planning to dance with your FI?

    b) Nothing is going to be the same, unless you figure out a way to dance with your dad. So I don't think that should be your limiting factor.

    c) So you guys are planning on your FI dancing with his MIL, and you're dancing with your FIL? What's the reasoning there? What are you trying to symbolize? You're already full throwing the "tradition" out the window, in that case, so I think skipping the dances is an equally valid and avant-garde option.
    This is our wedding day I can’t skip anything please no more comments 
    Your wedding day will be a success if you get married. That's what makes it a wedding day. Sure, we try to plan for the rest and ensure we have meaningful moments and a good party, but at the end of the day, it should be a good day if you get married.

    If you keep that as your perspective, you won't get thrown for a loop over the little things.

    If you also keep the feelings of your guests and close family and friends in perspective - i.e., acting as if you care about the people you say you care about - then your relationships will grow stronger after the wedding. It's doing what's best for everyone, not having a special dance, that will be a testament to your relationships.
    Of course I care, I’m deeply offended by what you said 
    I'm not saying you don't care. I'm saying that caring is the way to go. That may seem obvious, but a lot of brides do lose that perspective.

    I don't know you, so I can't say if you're one of those brides - but the easy response to "My mom and possibly my dad are hurt by this decision" is to figure out if there's a way that works for you and doesn't hurt them. You do seem to have trouble grasping what is and is not truly negotiable for a wedding. I'm trying to help you with that.
    Ok then tell me what I’ll do and I’ll do it, otherwise leave me be 
    We did. In this instance, it's talk to your dad and decide with him what he wants to do that's meaningful.

    Please clarify whether your FI is dancing with his mom. That's important, because it will show whether it will appear to people (not that it's what you intend) that you are trying to replace your dad with someone who can dance.

    If your FI is dancing with both his mom and your mom, then that will be a boring amount of spotlight dances for your guests. The fact that it will be boring for the vast majority of your guest list and isn't really needed is why people are suggesting you skip these.

    However, if both sets of parents are going to have their own spotlight dances, at least everyone's included once you and your dad decide what you're doing. It will not look as if you are trying to replace your dad, in that case.
    charlotte989875short+sassyahoywedding
  • maine7mobmaine7mob Maine, USA member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments First Answer
    We aren’t twirling around, if I was able to dance with him it would be just a very slow dance, my dad is 87 and very feeble and not strong like he was when my sister got married 21 years earlier then me in July of 1997 when I was 14 and a half, times have changed. I can’t just skip this, you don’t seem to understand. 
    I think people do understand that some couples feel the dances are obligatory. But in terms of how married you are, they really don't matter a bit. You will still be just as married if you don't have them at all.  All you really need is a ceremony with witnesses to be fully married. Everything else is just nice to have.


    short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • Why do I need to talk to him I’ll just get yelled at 
    Serious question OP, are you worried your dad might be hurt by this and that’s why you don’t want to talk to him? 

    Him being hurt hurt isn’t going to change whether or not you talk to him, but NOT talking to him won’t give you the chance to try and fix the situation. 
    missJeanLouiseshort+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • If the parent dances are so overcomplicated at this point then I would just dance with parents in a non spotlight fashion. 

    As the DJ to "dedicate a song" and dance to those songs.   Then you're on the dance floor among anyone else who wants to be there and you aren't drawing attention to the fact that you aren't dancing with people who can't /won't.  

    Frankly I would make all of that one song.  Just move from couple to couple and for a portion of the song, stand back and hold your dad's hand. 
    thisismynickname2short+sassy
  • Why do I need to talk to him I’ll just get yelled at 
    So you are admitting you know that he won’t like your idea either.

    so act like an adult, own up to your decisions/ actions, and use your words to tell him what is going to happen. But don’t pretend like you want options when you clearly don’t and don’t force your mother to be the one who breaks it to your father that his daughter will be dancing with another man instead of him.
    MyNameIsNot
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Lol. “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it”
    done.
    ”no”

    OP, you are impossible. Just do what you are going to do, regardless of it hurts your aging father’s feeling or not. You obviously don’t care enough to say “Dad, have you thought about the Father/daughter dance?”. It doesn’t have to be this hard, you are making it this way. 

    missJeanLouiseRo041levioosaILoveBeachMusic
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Maybe you should have a spotlight dance with every male in attendance except for your father. Then you can show how special he is by being the one you don't dance with.

    Or, you could act like an adult and talk to your dad. But I'm harboring no delusions that's going to happen.  
    ShesSoColdei34LondonLisaInLoveInQueens
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, I truly don't understand why you came here for advice. You don't seem to want to take any of it. 

    How do you not know yet if your FI is dancing with your mom? You stated before that he was, and that was why you weren't going to dance to her. 

    You don't need to have all these spotlight dances. Again, I have only seen a groom dance with his MIL once, and that was because his own mother had passed away. 

    My suggestion is that your FI dance with his mom, and you dance with your mom. If you want to include your FIL too, you could switch to dancing with your FIL halfway through the song. 
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  • Lol. “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it”
    done.
    ”no”

    OP, you are impossible. Just do what you are going to do, regardless of it hurts your aging father’s feeling or not. You obviously don’t care enough to say “Dad, have you thought about the Father/daughter dance?”. It doesn’t have to be this hard, you are making it this way. 

    I’m not trying to be hard, ok ok I’ll talk my dad. Happy?
    Yes!
    flantastic
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    maine7mob said:
    We aren’t twirling around, if I was able to dance with him it would be just a very slow dance, my dad is 87 and very feeble and not strong like he was when my sister got married 21 years earlier then me in July of 1997 when I was 14 and a half, times have changed. I can’t just skip this, you don’t seem to understand. 
    I think people do understand that some couples feel the dances are obligatory. But in terms of how married you are, they really don't matter a bit. You will still be just as married if you don't have them at all.  All you really need is a ceremony with witnesses to be fully married. Everything else is just nice to have.


    We are Catholic, I’d like to keep the traditions even at the reception and our ceremony is done by a priest 
    There is no Catholic tradition regarding dancing at the reception. 
    STARMOON44
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    maine7mob said:
    We aren’t twirling around, if I was able to dance with him it would be just a very slow dance, my dad is 87 and very feeble and not strong like he was when my sister got married 21 years earlier then me in July of 1997 when I was 14 and a half, times have changed. I can’t just skip this, you don’t seem to understand. 
    I think people do understand that some couples feel the dances are obligatory. But in terms of how married you are, they really don't matter a bit. You will still be just as married if you don't have them at all.  All you really need is a ceremony with witnesses to be fully married. Everything else is just nice to have.


    We are Catholic, I’d like to keep the traditions even at the reception and our ceremony is done by a priest 
    This has absolutely NOTHING to do with Catholicism.   Nothing.

    There is ZERO CATHOLIC TRADITION for the bride to dance with her father.   That's a secular tradition that's new at best.

    I am Catholic and so are my parents.   My grandfather looked at my mom and said, "I'm not dancing with you at the reception."  My father then said, "I'm not either."  40+ years later they are still happily married and still don't dance. 

    You need to accept the things that you can't change, the courage to change what you can and the wisdom to know the difference.
    I'm Catholic too. We did parent dances, but that worked for our situation - both DH and I and our parents wanted to do them, we didn't make them last forever, and our parents could physically dance. We did not do them because we were Catholic. If all we could have had was the Mass and then pizza in the lobby, I would have had what mattered most to me and to the Church.

    Yes, I'm happy you'll talk to your dad. I'm sure it will make him happier too.
  • It’s not mud, it’s real. I’m not treating my dad like a child, he has bad hearing so it’s best to talk to my mom and she talks to him for me otherwise I’m yelling if I have to ask him about this dance. I’m not refusing any advice, you don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m not replacing my dad with my father in law so stop it! 😡 this was brought to my dads attention by my mom I’m sorry I ever asked for help. I’m leaving! 

    I don't understand how it took 24 hours to finally get to the point where talking to your dad made sense to you.  One thing I want to point out from this comment in particular is how isolating it must be for your children to not talk to you because it requires they talk louder than they otherwise do.  I hope you make an effort to talk to him regularly, even if it takes more effort.  

    charlotte989875MyNameIsNotshort+sassyernursej
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Jesus. This thread took a turn we haven’t had in awhile. 


    image
    charlotte989875flantasticILoveBeachMusic
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  • Why do I need to talk to him I’ll just get yelled at 
    So you are admitting you know that he won’t like your idea either.

    so act like an adult, own up to your decisions/ actions, and use your words to tell him what is going to happen. But don’t pretend like you want options when you clearly don’t and don’t force your mother to be the one who breaks it to your father that his daughter will be dancing with another man instead of him.
    My father knows I’ll be dancing with my father in law don’t tell me to grow up I’m 35 years old I’ll explain this to my dad in my own words! 😡
    I didn’t. 
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  • edited September 2018
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