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Married before the BIG wedding

soonmrsdanielssoonmrsdaniels member
First Comment
in Military Brides
My husband now and I got married a few days ago. Our ceremony isnt not til october 22nd. We went ahead and got married for personal reason. We havent decided if we are going to tell everyone yet. We have told very close friends and family and they were all very supportive. I have read a lot of post on here about it and most things left for the brides asking questions was rather rude and catty. Thats not what im looking for. I am more looking for someone who has been in the same position and what they decided to do about tell others that you already married.
Thanks
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Re: Married before the BIG wedding

  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5 Love Its 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Marriages are public records. If you don't tell people you run the risk of them finding out other ways. I am assuming one of you is military so you will be telling the military you are married as well.

    I would suggest telling people that you are married, and that in October you will be rewewing your vows and having a party. As long as you don't lie to people who will be attending, you will be fine.
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  • YoungDuoYoungDuo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can go ahead and tell you that you will not find much support on this issue. So be prepared for people to give you honest answers. I personally think that lying to your friends and family so you can have your PPD is dishonest and not a good way to start a marriage. Your ceremony was a few days ago when you got married. If you want a vow renewal with friends and family, knock yourself out but don't call it the wrong thing..and the wrong name would be "wedding". It doesn't matter if it was a personal reason or not, you had your wedding and anything else is a vow renewal.
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  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I have not been in your position but I can tell you that I'd be pissed if I were invited to what I thought was your wedding and you were already married. Whatever your reason, don't lie to you guests. Also, your day wouldn't technically be your wedding no matter how "big" it is. You are already married. Some people have gotten married and had a vow renewal after with their friends and family. I'm sure the would be happy to give you advice.
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  • LOLwaysLOLways
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    As others have said, you won't find much in the way of support here for a choice that most of us disapprove of.

    That said, I was a bridesmaid in a wedding last year where the bride and groom were married several months beforehand. They kept the secret except for a few close friends and telling the military so they could get joint spouse. Nothing bad happened, but that doesn't mean it couldn't have.

    A former coworker did the same so he could get humanitarian reassignment so he could be close to his wife as she got her cancer treatment. Their family didn't know and they had a wedding about 2 years later. Again, nothing bad happened, but that doesn't mean it couldn't have.

    Personally, I understand there are a myriad of circumstances that may require a couple to get married in a hurry, or at the very least sooner than their desired wedding date. There is nothing wrong with that. But when you have your big PPD, call it the appropriate thing, a "vow renewal."
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5 Love Its 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:88ed2726-0eab-44db-b4d0-56517e869caf">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]As others have said, you won't find much in the way of support here for a choice that most of us disapprove of. That said, I was a bridesmaid in a wedding last year where the bride and groom were married several months beforehand. <strong>They kept the secret except for a few close friends and telling the military so they could get joint spouse. Nothing bad happened, but that doesn't mean it couldn't have. </strong>A former coworker did the same so he could get humanitarian reassignment so he could be close to his wife as she got her cancer treatment. Their family didn't know and they had a wedding about 2 years later. Again, nothing bad happened, but that doesn't mean it couldn't have. Personally, I understand there are a myriad of circumstances that may require a couple to get married in a hurry, or at the very least sooner than their desired wedding date. There is nothing wrong with that. But when you have your big PPD, call it the appropriate thing, a "vow renewal."
    Posted by LOLways[/QUOTE]

    And as another poster will tell you, telling the military but lying about it to other people is considered fraud in the military and means you or your spouse (whichever is military) can get in trouble if they find out.
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5 Love Its 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:32ccc1b3-9992-42d7-84cc-b06d83df9655">Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]My husband now and I got married a few days ago. Our ceremony isnt not til october 22nd. We went ahead and got married for personal reason. We havent decided if we are going to tell everyone yet. We have told very close friends and family and they were all very supportive. I have read a lot of post on here about it and most things left for the brides asking questions was rather rude and catty. Thats not what im looking for. I am more looking for someone who has been in the same position and what they decided to do about tell others that you already married. Thanks
    Posted by soonmrsdaniels[/QUOTE]

    Also, please know that although we might have seem catty to you, we are looking for your best interest. We don't want to see a bride come back here and talk about how their family/friends got mad at them because they were lied to. And if you look around these boards, you will find many people who have been lied to and are still upset about it.
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  • calindicalindi member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I'd suggest you also read up on OPSEC and PERSEC, assuming your husband is in the military.  Your screen name includes your married name, and you should try to keep personal identifying details (specifically names, addresses, etc.) off the internet, most especially public boards like this.  It's in everyone's best interest, and it's a good habit to get into.

    TheKnot doesn't let you delete screen names, but you can use a different email address to sign up again and create a new screen name that doesn't have any identifying information.

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  • boatnerfaceboatnerface member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    (let me just start by saying the internet ate my original message, so this won't be nearly as pithe as it was the first time round :-P )
    Not sure how religious you are or if you're have a cerimony in a church, but you can always present it as being your wedding before God. I mean, to some people a courthouse marriage is the happiest day of their lives, to others it isn't real to them untill they have that cerimony with their family and friends. I agree with the other posters that if you decieve your guests they'll be hurt, but ultimatly I don't think you should spend much time worrying about how they'll recieve the news of your pre-wedding wedding. If they care about you and your FI, they should just be happy you 2 have eachother and that they get to enjoy a wonderful celebration with you.

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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5 Love Its 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:99469eb1-11cc-4bd4-9a28-11bbaf724928">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE](let me just start by saying the internet ate my original message, so this won't be nearly as pithe as it was the first time round :-P ) Not sure how religious you are or if you're have a cerimony in a church, but you can always present it as being your wedding before God. I mean, to some people a courthouse marriage is the happiest day of their lives, to others it isn't real to them untill they have that cerimony with their family and friends. I agree with the other posters that if you decieve your guests they'll be hurt, but ultimatly I don't think you should spend much time worrying about how they'll recieve the news of your pre-wedding wedding. If they care about you and your FI, they should just be happy you 2 have eachother and that they get to enjoy a wonderful celebration with you.
    Posted by boatnerface[/QUOTE]

    Except, it still isn't a wedding in the church. They will already be married. If you are catholic, a lot of times they won't do a wedding, but they will do a convalidation (sp?) which is not the same as the wedding ceremony.  And why shouldn't they spend time worrying about people they will hurt by lying to them? You are starting your marriage off by lying to your guests. I don't know of any church that will validate that decision. I'm pretty sure that goes against all moral/religious beliefs.
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  • YoungDuoYoungDuo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:924c9198-4ebe-4b94-b27d-f9867344ebcd">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Married before the BIG wedding : Except, it still isn't a wedding in the church. They will already be married. If you are catholic, a lot of times they won't do a wedding, but they will do a convalidation (sp?) which is not the same as the wedding ceremony.  And why shouldn't they spend time worrying about people they will hurt by lying to them? <strong>You are starting your marriage off by lying to your guests. I don't know of any church that will validate that decision. I'm pretty sure that goes against all moral/religious beliefs.
    </strong>Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
    This.
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  • IrishcurlsIrishcurls member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I just can't fathom getting married and not wanting to tell EVERYONE I know. Your family should be supportive and loving and excited. And I'm sure they DO want to celebrate with you in October. So whatever "personal" reason you chose to get married already is done and very important and I'm sure it was wonderful. Share that with your guests and celebrate love in whatever way you choose, but don't lie. It's just rude. 
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5 Love Its 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:fdc11077-4602-4cca-9a7e-8e8a6a623fc1">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just can't fathom getting married and not wanting to tell EVERYONE I know. Your family should be supportive and loving and excited. And I'm sure they DO want to celebrate with you in October. So whatever "personal" reason you chose to get married already is done and very important and I'm sure it was wonderful. Share that with your guests and celebrate love in whatever way you choose, but don't lie. It's just rude. 
    Posted by Irishcurls[/QUOTE]

    Exactly this. Everything she said.

    Threadjack: Irish did you decide on a song??
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  • boatnerfaceboatnerface member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not saying they should lie, i'm saying that we put the value in our weddings as individuals, and if you express it in that way to your guests who are they to argue. Not everyone gets married the same way. Maybe i misspoke, yes they should worry about their guests, but if there's someone who's making a stink about the manner in which you got married and bringing you down you shouldn't care about it because it's your wedding,
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  • RethanyRethany
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:f905552a-dca6-47a5-8065-c677e3410dfe">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not saying they should lie, i'm saying that <strong>we put the value in our weddings as individuals, and if you express it in that way to your guests</strong> <strong>who are they to argue</strong>. Not everyone gets married the same way. Maybe i misspoke, yes they should worry about their guests, but if there's someone who's making a stink about the manner in which you got married and bringing you down you shouldn't care about it because it's your wedding,
    Posted by boatnerface[/QUOTE]
    If you don't value your wedding very highly, then why have a BIG "wedding" later with everyone?
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  • calindicalindi member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:f905552a-dca6-47a5-8065-c677e3410dfe">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not saying they should lie, i'm saying that we put the value in our weddings as individuals, and if you express it in that way to your guests who are they to argue. Not everyone gets married the same way. Maybe i misspoke, yes they should worry about their guests, but if there's someone who's making a stink about the manner in which you got married and bringing you down you shouldn't care about it because it's your wedding,
    Posted by boatnerface[/QUOTE]


    Nobody cares if someone chooses to JOP.  Anyone is welcome to elope, have a courthouse wedding, have a small personal ceremony, or have a big ol' party.  She's already made that choice. I hope it was wonderful and that it fulfills whatever reasons they had. Does that mean she can't celebrate later with family and friends?  Absolutely not, but it's simply wrong to lie to people.  The ONLY reason we usually discourage people from calling it a "wedding" is because that implies that someone is getting married, and that usually implies that the guests are being misled.  The OP is welcome to throw the exact same party, it's just better etiquette to call it a vow renewal.

    And does it seem to anyone else that this conversation is cyclical?  Seems like we're having this same conversation every 3 weeks or so.  Like clockwork.  It's like my freaking period...

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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5 Love Its 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I want OP to come back.
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  • calindicalindi member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:327a6fd7-0d9f-4a8f-ab96-ef105b553d87">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Married before the BIG wedding : If you don't value your wedding very highly, then why have a BIG "wedding" later with everyone?
    Posted by spiffycoolbeans[/QUOTE]


    So wait... she's saying some people value the day when they are actually getting married LESS than the day they pretend to get married?  Is that what she said?  I don't get that.

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  • SamiJoeBSamiJoeB
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I would never have put myself in your position.. Even if I had felt the need to JOP (and my H and I did discuss it when he got his orders to Japan and we knew he'd be there for 2 years) but we decided that it would be selfish of us to take that away from our families. Even if we had decided to JOP,  I would have had the guts to tell my loved ones.  Best of Luck with whatever you decide.
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  • YoungDuoYoungDuo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:ff8a80ae-30cc-4918-8955-4f5af66abc84">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I want OP to come back.
    Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

    Me too!
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  • soonmrsdanielssoonmrsdaniels member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Okay! I want to thank everyone for the input..Im not huge on calling it a vow renewal.. More of our day to celebrate our love infront of our friends and family..Im stickler to please everyone and dont want hurt feelings..I DO NOT WANT TO LIE TO ANYONE but at the same time i ready to save everyones feelings but my own. We have exchanges vows already and on our oct. date we wont exchange them again. The "ceremony" we will be having will be focused on the love we have and share with each other. Also on that day is a day to give a memorial to my mother who has passed and cant be with us. It is not anyone persons business why we did what we did..and we have not regres doing it. I was just looking for some friendly advice if i should let everyone know or not!
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  • firsttimersluckfirsttimersluck member
    25 Love Its Name Dropper Third Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OP, how do you not expect this board to get pissy with you when you start off by calling us "catty" ? That doesn't seem catty in itself?

    Congratulations to you and your new husband! I wish you happy planning on your VR, Religious ceremony, whatever you are calling it, but you obviously came to this board defensive, so what more do you expect? :/
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  • SamiJoeBSamiJoeB
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:afa3dda7-5d99-46fe-9364-e67ef81c9a98">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Married before the BIG wedding : Nobody cares if someone chooses to JOP.  Anyone is welcome to elope, have a courthouse wedding, have a small personal ceremony, or have a big ol' party.  She's already made that choice. I hope it was wonderful and that it fulfills whatever reasons they had. Does that mean she can't celebrate later with family and friends?  Absolutely not, but it's simply wrong to lie to people.  The ONLY reason we usually discourage people from calling it a "wedding" is because that implies that someone is getting married, and that usually implies that the guests are being misled.  The OP is welcome to throw the exact same party, it's just better etiquette to call it a vow renewal. <strong>And does it seem to anyone else that this conversation is cyclical?  Seems like we're having this same conversation every 3 weeks or so.  Like clockwork.  It's like my freaking period...</strong>
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    I lol'd... It's so true.. and it always seems to pop up about the same time, so not only does it infuriate me, infuriates me while I'm pmsing... and am I the only one who envisions herself as like the Hulk but red during PMS? ..... probably...<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5 Love Its 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:cfe36ecf-45c0-4b53-a85a-a92d0cb61c78">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay! I want to thank everyone for the input..Im not huge on calling it a vow renewal.. More of our day to celebrate our love infront of our friends and family..Im stickler to please everyone and dont want hurt feelings..<strong>I DO NOT WANT TO LIE TO ANYONE but at the same time i ready to save everyones feelings but my own</strong>. We have exchanges vows already and on our oct. date we wont exchange them again. The "ceremony" we will be having will be focused on the love we have and share with each other. Also on that day is a day to give a memorial to my mother who has passed and cant be with us. It is not anyone persons business why we did what we did..and we have not regres doing it. I was just looking for some friendly advice if i should let everyone know or not!
    Posted by soonmrsdaniels[/QUOTE]

    1. I am confused by this. How would it hurt your feelings to be honest? I don't see how that could hurt you. Maybe I'm just not reading it right.
    2. Nobody asked why you had the JOP or judged you for it. All we said is do not lie to your guests, no matter what. I don't care if you decide to renew your vows, not renew your vows, whichever, just make sure your guests know that you are already married and that you are celebrating that marriage with them on that day.
    3. You got friendly advice. Nobody was mean to you at all. We all told you what we think is best, which is to let everyone know.
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  • soonmrsdanielssoonmrsdaniels member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Not to hurt my feelings but theirs..

    I was agreeing that i got friendly advice not that i didnt!!

    And because of the advice i do plan on letting my guest know. I guess i wasnt clear enough!
    But i do thank everyone for their help! It was such a real help and gave me lots of insights!
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5 Love Its 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:2211cda6-b067-435d-af63-29521ade9e3e">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Not to hurt my feelings but theirs.. I was agreeing that i got friendly advice not that i didnt!! And because of the advice i do plan on letting my guest know. I guess i wasnt clear enough! But i do thank everyone for their help! It was such a real help and gave me lots of insights!
    Posted by soonmrsdaniels[/QUOTE]
    Gotcha! We so often have people tell us we're rude that sometimes I think I just assume that another poster is going to assume we are rude. If that makes sense haha. I'm glad to hear that you are taking the advice. Good luck with planning your day and I hope it goes smoothly! Come back with pics!
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  • RethanyRethany
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:cfe36ecf-45c0-4b53-a85a-a92d0cb61c78">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay! I want to thank everyone for the input..Im not huge on calling it a vow renewal.. More of our day to celebrate our love infront of our friends and family..Im stickler to please everyone and dont want hurt feelings..I DO NOT WANT TO LIE TO ANYONE but at the same time i ready to save everyones feelings but my own. We have exchanges vows already and on our oct. date we wont exchange them again. The "ceremony" we will be having will be focused on the love we have and share with each other. Also on that day is a day to give a memorial to my mother who has passed and cant be with us. It is not anyone persons business why we did what we did..and we have not regres doing it. I was just looking for some friendly advice if i should let everyone know or not!
    Posted by soonmrsdaniels[/QUOTE]
    There is no problem with JOP.
    We don't think you regret it.
    We do think that you should tell everyone that you got married.  I think that by not telling everyone, you <em>are</em> lying by omission.
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  • RethanyRethany
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-before-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4de95d91-2fd1-4282-945b-cf0f675d029bPost:2211cda6-b067-435d-af63-29521ade9e3e">Re: Married before the BIG wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Not to hurt my feelings but theirs.. I was agreeing that i got friendly advice not that i didnt!! And because of the advice i do plan on letting my guest know. I guess i wasnt clear enough! But i do thank everyone for their help! It was such a real help and gave me lots of insights!
    Posted by soonmrsdaniels[/QUOTE]
    Ah, I was late!  Glad you're taking our advice.  Good luck with everything.
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  • soonmrsdanielssoonmrsdaniels member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would like to ask what you ladies think of this announcement i want to send out

     friends and family! I have exciting news to spread! Sean and I decided  to go ahead and get legally married!! Please understand that we want nothing more to share our happiness and love with you on October 22nd. We look forward to seeing everyone there to support us in our dedication of love!
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  • boatnerfaceboatnerface member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I like it, though I think maybe saying something about plans for the 22nd not changing, cause if i was your fam and friends i would probably be confused as to if you're still having a ceremony or if it was just a party
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5 Love Its 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Would it be on like a wedding announcement card? I am no good with wording for things like this. One of the other ladies around here can probably better help you than me :)
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