Move in before or after the wedding?

teambenturro101603

While the idea that living together before makes it SOUND like you'd have a great head start, it's statistically the opposite.

More than 50% of couples who live together before marriage end up apart either through just moving out or divorce later on.

The data shows that people who have cohabiting relationships before marriage are more likely to experience more negative communication in marriage,¹ lower levels of marital satisfaction,² the erosion over time of the perceived value of marriage,³ higher perceived marital instability,⁴ lower levels of male commitment to spouse,⁵ and greater likelihood of divorce⁶ than people who do not cohabit before marriage.

PichelleWedding

I think if you've waited this long you should wait to 'start' living together until after the wedding. I just think it'd be so exciting to wake up on the morning of your wedding day knowing from this day on you'll never live apart again. My plan is to slowly move in my stuff  (stuff I don't need everyday) and spend the last week before the wedding at my parents' house. My lease is up in August and if we don't set the date for then, then I will get a room somewhere. I just think it's important to save that excitement, no matter how inconvenient it may be. Don't rob yourself of that!

danammelvin

Moving in with my fiance was the best decision ever. We're both the type who like to live alone, but living with each other has been the easiest and we have learned even more about each other. I agree with previous posts about how it would be nicer to get it out of the way beforehand. 

mariannesn

I'm with Stacelace22. I'm going to be facing the same situation, because, while planning the wedding, I'm also job hunting, getting my house on the market and planning to move to be with my fiancee. For me to expect that to all fall in line with the wedding date is unrealistic, so I'm not sure what to do. I'm pretty old fashion myself and prefer to move in after the big day. I thought about moving in with one of my bridesmaids til the wedding. They offered, but have since both gotten pregnant so I don't want to intrude on them or their husbands. My fiancee is fine with either. He's knows that I'm old fashioned.

Small correction on the living together stats: Moving in together before make the marriage statistically more likely to fail if the couple moves in before the engagement or for financial reasons. In theory that's because the couple was probably 'testing the relationship' or 'not ready to commit.' I should probably include a source, but I don't feel like looking it up. =o)

hmakarski

 My fiance and I got engaged and bought a house a few months later. We wanted to be moved in and settled BEFORE the wedding so we had a place to put all our bridal shower gifts and be able to come home from our honeymoon and already be "home." Living together before hand was a great idea for us. Plus it alleviated a lot of the stress from our families always being around us when we lived at home with our parents.  I'd say do it!

cec5ilia

We are waiting, even though it would be easier and make more financial and practical sense to move in... some things are worth more than saving a few bucks.  We are so happy that we've waited to move in together.

mstalkalot55

My fiance and I moved in shortly after we got engaged and there has been no problem. We are both adults and have planned our future based on what works for us. Besides the clutter things have been fine. I think it all depends on how comfortable you are with it

Tisha.

Oh so much changes, seriously.  My fiance and I have lived together for 10 years now, but have only been engaged for 5 months.  Even though we've been faithful and monogomous for these past ten years, even just being engaged has changed things... for the better, in our case.  It's like, there's a REAL TRUE meaning now or something.  I know that sounds dumb, but just the added true reality of a lifelong commitment really changed the way we both feel deep down.  I never in a million years thought that it would change things.  I was really a true believer of, "It's just a piece of paper" but for some reason, it really does matter now that it's a reality.

efujan

I'm kind of in the same boat as a few of you here - I personally wanted to wait, but with FI's lease coming up and the thought of doing all the moving right after the wedding (when we should be enjoying our newly wedded bliss!), I've changed my tune a bit.

He's going to move in about 3 months prior to the wedding so we can get settled & organized before the wedding.  And after we get back from the honeymoon, we won't have to worry about a move, but can focus on wrapping up all the wedding thank-you's and stuff!

solielmoonv

I moved in with my fiance 6 months after we got engaged and let me tell you its quite the adjustment.  See I had been living on my own for 16 years and now having to merge stuff and share closets was really hard for me but I have to say that by the time we get married we will have been living together a year and it really helps you adjust to one another and work out the kinks!!  I don't feel its a bad thing because you are in a committed relationship about to take the next step!  My parents are super religious and they were fine with it.

lesa.close

Actually, statistically, people who live together before marriage have a higher likelihood of not making it...

In my opinion, it's better to wait until after you're married. We will be moving our stuff into our place, but are saving the joy of sleeping/living together until after marriage. It makes it more special! 

lbvicky3

It depends on how long you've been together.  But honestly, I don't think it's a prob at all. Go for it.

mark&mary814

I don't think it's a good idea to move in before getting married...actually, not moving in together at all until a couple gets married, is my honest opinion. There will be nothing left for marriage - what is truly meant for marriage - if a couple moves in together prior to uniting in marriage. Call me traditional; call old-fashioned; call me not "updated to time" (I'm only 24); call me a follower of Christian-Catholic faith, but I do believe in the true unity in marriage and how this is a holy sacrament. So, living together before being married? No...you can move your stuff in where you'll be living, but truly, allowing to give your whole self to the man you said "yes" to at the altar and saving what is for marriage for your wedding night...there's nothing better.

lesa.close

I totally agree with you!! Amen! God intended certain things for marriage alone, and I don't believe they should be done beforehand! :0)

christy928

Call me old fashioned, but I'm not in favor.  I'm pretty sure that statistics show that divorce rates are higher for couples who lived together. 
I'm waiting, and am very excited for all the joys of the wedding...besides getting married to the man of my dreams, I get to move in with him and start our new life together. 

We also are waiting to sleep together, so I'm in the minority there, too, I'm sure. 

I guess you have to do what works for you and what you're comfortable with. 

meredithycooper

My fiance and I are going to make the move before our wedding - our date is the 17th of April and it makes most sense to end a lease March 31st and start a new one on April 1st. We are looking forward to being able to set everything up in our new place, so it's mostly organized and such (or at least on its way) when we return from our honeymoon.

However, I am staying with a girlfriend, slumber-party style, for those two weeks since we've commited to not living or sleeping together before we are married. I'm actually pretty excited to have these last couple weeks of bonding with my girls before I transition into married life.

lesa.close

You're not alone in waiting to sleep together :0)

beverlysteele

I think there are two categories of questions to consider, the moral and the practical:

1. Are you okay living with him before the wedding?  Is your/his family going to throw a fit and how much would that matter to you?  I personally think the way we perceive things on a moral plane affect the way we look at the decision can either make us feel affirmed in that decision longterm or regretful longterm, but that's just my take on it.

2. Practical matters-- will I be too busy with wedding details and get all stressed out about the number of things on my plate?  Will I be stressed out about the "ins and outs" of integrating another person's habits into my daily routine?  Do the finances outweigh all of these?  What are my other options? What would I do with my stuff for that month?  

I'm guessing that you have more than one month from this point, so you might just start moving a few things at a time.  It's so much easier to move that way.  My biggest trouble with moving is the massive amount of packing/unpacking that take place within a short timeframe.  My fiance and I are building a house that will be finished May 31, and we're both already packing boxes in the evenings.  I will say that I am setting a house warming for 2 months after the wedding so that I have a goal date to get those boxes put away:-)

amycr3145

def. before.. my fi proposed the day we signed our lease for our first apartment and i cant imagine figuring out all of the living quirks after the wedding lol

edelgado11

My family was totally against us moving in before marriage (we both have very traditional Mexican - and Catholic- families), but we actually went to talk to them before moving in and worked out fine.

We bought our house about a year ago, got engaged about 5 months ago, getting married in a year. Its been great to space things out since we're also in the midst of renovating the house. Wouldnt do it any other way.

lesa.close

From: http://www.divorcereform.org/cor.html#anchor2348930
Non-US Divorce Rates:
According to the report "Profiling Canada's Families III", by The Vanier Institute of the Family, unmarried cohabiting couples are four times more likely to break up than married couples. "CANADIAN TREND INCLUDES FEWER LEGAL MARRIAGES" CTV.ca News Staff, NOV 29, 2004. Cited in a posting on the Smart Marriages Listserv Nov. 29, 2004.

Cohabitation Data:
There is a higher risk, 40 to 85%, of divorce between couples cohabiting before marriage than couples waiting until after marriage to share a home together. (Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Stantow, Morgan & Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990) Cited in a posting on the Smart Marriages Listserv, Sep 28, 2004.


Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States.
Series Report 23, Number 22. 103pp. (PHS) 98-1998.
Download report at http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_022.pdf
Among the findings in this report: unmarried cohabitations overall are less
stable than marriages.  The probability of a first marriage ending in
separation or divorce within 5 years is 20 percent, but the probability of
a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49 percent.  After
10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent,
compared with 62 percent for cohabitations.

lesa.close

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_move-before-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2e62463f-4b37-48de-9f20-a947e4ecb682Post:6b450054-049f-40f5-b016-667a18136eb4">Re: Move in before or after the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh my god! It is not 1820 people. Of course it's ok to move in together! Even if you have no intentions of getting married. The things you will know and experience after living with this person will lead you to making better decisions about them.
Posted by erinchaffee1983[/QUOTE]

<div>It isn't a matter of what decade we're in...it's a matter of sensibility and morality, really. Some things are still true no matter if it's 1820 or 2010. </div>

snoozn11

My boyfriend (now fiancé) and I decided in January of last year to moved in together. I kind of freaked out on him one day – I was nervous and realized I always wanted to get married before I moved in with him. I voiced my fears of "getting stuck" in a never-ending live-in boyfriend-girlfriend situation. Two months later, he proposed and two months after that, we moved in together.

I wouldn't have done it any other way. Combining our households before the wedding was a great way to get rid of stuff and to learn to live peacefully together as a couple. It taught us to be patient with one another, learned the value of personal space, and to appreciate the time we have together.

We are getting married in a couple weeks and cannot wait!

lanajanelle

Unless you're a virgin - which I commend - why keep up the facade?  What difference does it really make?  The first two months of living with my fiance were wonderful and blissful.  The next year after that was awful - we fought about everything while learning to co-habitate, but then we calmed down and fell into a pleasant routine.  Bottom line, from financial and pragmatic standpoint, why would you NOT move in together?  And for those ladies who think the move will be too stressful - you have to move somewhere when your lease is up.  At least this way you will only have to move once!

emcclure84

I say go ahead and move in now. It gives you a month to get the living together stress out before being married. It does take time to get used to living with someone else...fiance and I have lived together for a year and a half now, and just bought a house together and we still have issues with some things. And as many people have pointed out, it would be silly to move somewhere else for a month and then move into him...now THAT would be a lot of unnecessary stress right before the wedding. If you are worried about what other people will think, I say don't worry about them. If you and your fiance want to go ahead and get the move over with, your opinions are the only ones that matter.

melsey62

Well I did it relectanly at first but now I am happy I did.  We are saving lots of money.  Think of how much more money you will save just paying rent and utilities for one place rather than two!  However by no means do not quit your job.  I know you did not mention it but just in case things don't work out, you want to make sure you still have an income you can call your own.

Jadebinkx

I wouldn't have gotten engaged if we weren't already living together.  You dont really know someone until you've lived with them and dealt with them everyday.

mj1day

My fiancee and I have been living together for a year and half (we will be married in less than a month.) And honestly I think it's been wonderful. You're already commited to each other, so what does one month early make?? I will say this, the 2 nights before the wedding I am going to spending the night at my parent's home (away from him) to make that first night that much more special.
~M

loveboat1

 My fiance' and I got enagged in Feb./2009, moved in with each other June/2009 and our wedding is 7/17/2010.  The move has definitely given me the chance to see what type of person he is living with.  There are some thing I could'nt stand but have managed to work around/compromise with.  I find myself compromising on things seeing that we both haven't lived with anyone in a while.  Would I have changed or done something different?  Absolutely NOT.  However, I am still woeking with him in keeping the house clean and neat the way I like it! 

saradargo

My lease is up the day after our wedding.  (go figure!)  I am actually planning on moving everything into my fiance's house about a month before the wedding but then staying with a friend until the big day.  That way, when we come home from our honeymoon... the newness of living together is there but I am already moved in and settled (or somewhat settled at least).