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Move in before or after the wedding?


Re: Move in before or after the wedding?

  • I have a similar situation but we are definitely waiting til we're actually married because its like the fun new way to begin a marriage to come home from the honeymoon and open up all the gifts in YOUR house together. I guess i'm old fashioned i think living together before would take all the fun out of it. but its completely up to you...good luck with whatever you decide :)
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  • Do it! My fiance and I moved in together before we were engaged. The first few months was the most wonderful time! Planning a wedding can be stressful, but what is better than coming home to the one you love, and the one you are going to marry at the end of the day? 
  • Definitely AFTER the wedding! Unless your fiance has a spare room, which could be yours until then. And this has nothing to do with the century one lives in.
    I agree with summer bride before, that your odds for a successful marriage are higher if you move in after the wedding. However, there is of course way more to a successful marriage than this month of living together/waiting for it: the love of Jesus! (Song: "It takes 3 to make a marriage work, you, Jesus and me").
  • The pros and cons to moving in together before the wedding: this is a very old quandary, that you are going to have to answer for yourself. For although, family and friends can offer you their input and their opinions - and those certailny might influence you in your decision, the choice is ultimately going to have to be left up to you, as that is part of being an adult.

    Marriage is a very big step - and it's no less a big desision, as to whether or not it's the right time to share your life with someone,  before you're actually to become husband and wife. There are definite pros, in that you will never know your significant other the way you think you do, until you share a space together,: just as much as you should also realize some of those realizations migjt not be pleasant or mioght be somewhat surprising, depending on your particulat situation, for everyone's experience is diferent. That being the only con I could see, foregoing any religious conflict or preference. So, it might not be wise to move-in together right before the wedding, what with all the stress of the event and so forth. Afterall, you could renew your lease and have your partener move-in, after the wedding. It's only a month away. It ultimately comes down to you: what you want, what he wants and what's doable for the both of you. You both, being responsible for any decision made in the interum.  But whatever you do, be realistic, in realizing it takes far more than a month to adjust to each other in a living situation and settle in. That's why most couples call their first year "the period of adjustment."

    Best of luck to you on up coming nuptuals
    ...and your life together, as husband and wife.
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  • It depends on how you are as a person.  Personally, I tend to get really bogged down in details and I couldn't imagine trying to move and organize my stuff and trying to get the last few wedding details together.

    If I were you, I'd either move in a few months before the wedding or renew the lease on a month-by-month basis and use the extra weeks after the wedding to get everything moved.
  • I think it's a good idea to move in before the wedding as you'll have an idea of what he is like to live with.  Also, make a list of the pros and cons and leave a column for toss ups. 

    I've been living with my fiancee for over 4 years before our wedding (but have known him since high school) and we did have a few quirks to work through but overall, we found we're pretty compatible in what was really necessary to live together.  Overall I am glad for my choice and you will be too.  If needs be, take a long walk, go to a park, and just write down your thoughts. 

    Good luck!
  • I think it's silly not to move in before the wedding, how are you supposed to fully get to know that person that you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with if you don't live with them first? My fiance and I have been living together for 5 years now we've been together for 6, and we are getting married this year. We wouldn't have as strong of a relationship if we hadn't.
  • As a few others have said before me, I think it is better to wait.  Yes, the stats prove that people who live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce.  Either way, enjoy your wedding and the days after!
  • I am so glad I moved in w/ my FI 6 months, otherwise we probably wouldn't have gotten engaged. (Not your problem here)  Once we mpved in together he started making noises about being a real family and having children (which is perfect for me) and recently he popped the question.  I agree that it is not 1820 and there is no social reason to not move in.  Plus, after the honeymoon do you really want to spend the next 2 weeks moving?  I can think of way better ways to get sweaty :)
  • Wow, does anyone ever not live together before getting married anymore? That's sad. I have one week to go and can't wait to move in and live with my husband! We don't sleep together and have never lived with anyone else and I am really happy about that. Someone made a comment earlier that living together ups your odds for divorce later and it's true, there are statistics that show that...not saying it happens to everyone but it happens alot.
    If I were you, I'd start moving all my stuff into his place, and see if I could live with a friend or a family member or something until you get married. It's one more month, totally doable!
  • My FI and I bought a house over 3 yrs ago and just finally got engaged this past christmas.  I honestly can't imagine not living with him before we got engaged.  I personally think that it's a good way to see if you truly can stand each others bad habits, etc..  Gives you an idea of what you are getting into.  I know people who haven't lived together first and it can be a real eye opener and cause a lot of stress and arguments.  Just my opinion tho

  • I got sick of reading all of the responses to this.  People get pretty heated about this issue!  I can understand why ... I won't get into political philosophy, here.  :) 

    I will address the divorce statistic thing, however (at least, my opinion on it, YMMV):

    - In my mind, of COURSE the divorce rate is lower among couples who don't live together before marriage.  Couples who think premarital cohabitation is wrong wrong wrong TEND TO also feel the same way about divorce.  I'm not saying every couple who cohabitates thinks divorce is a-ok, and every couple who doesn't is completely anti-divorce (there are no black-and-whites in real life, as we all know), but it tends to go hand in hand.  If you're conservative about one thing, you probably are about the other. 

    OK, now I've said my peace ... onto the subject at hand:

    Here's the thing, people:  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS.  Someone living together (or not living together) before marriage has no bearing on your relationship.  DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.  For me, my fiance and I had been living together for over a year before we got engaged.  That worked for us.  It doesn't work for everyone, and it really doesn't matter what the reason.  Move in together because you want to live together. 

    The fact that the OP is even asking the question means she has reservations about it.  I had reservations about moving in with my ex.  I was moving to a certain city to be with him (it was a city I wanted to live in at some point, and I still live here now), and it just "made sense" to move in together because he was buying a house.  Except it didn't make sense, because I wasn't ready.  I had everyone tell me it was "okay" to move in with him - my mom, his parents, our friends, etc.  Well, of course it was okay.  We were adults, free to make our own choices.  In hindsight, however, it was NOT okay, because I wasn't ready.  Plain and simple. 

    OP, if you're not comfortable with it, don't do it.  Ask your landlord if you can extend your lease by a few weeks.  If not, move your stuff into your fiance's and stay with a friend or relative.  But by all means, don't do something you're not comfortable with. 

    If I'm wrong about this, and you're more worried about what other people will "think," don't worry about that, either.  Only you and your FH can determine what is right for your relationship.  Go with your gut.  If it's less convenient, who cares?  It's what works for you.  And that is more important than saving a few bucks on rent or being slightly inconvenienced.
  • Fiance and I got engaged in OCtober of 2008. He lived with mom (she was getting sick: breast cancer) and my lease was up in June 2009.  I asked him to stay with his Mom until my lease was up- no sense in each of us getting our own place (each) and spend all that money.  In stead, I asked him to stay with his mom until I could renew, or move to a new place.  His Mom went into remission and he was able to join me in getting a new place, thus sharing costs.  We have lived together for 9 months and we get married in wo weeks.  We have learned a lot about each other,  how we get along, and what works best as far as chores, and responsibilities.  Added to the mix was our combination of pets of which we have 6 total.  So, for us, it was financially a good reason, and it was good to see how we would juggle the 6 pets.  It's been good to see how he might be a parent, as our pets need a lot of tending to.  One day he groaned when I mentioned taking the dog to the park...I said when we have a child we will do a lot of things we don't want to do.  I said, if he could not see himself doing things for the dog, we had no business having a child.  That got him thinking and we spent 2 hours at the park that day and he did not want to leave (but the dog was beat  LOL).  So, you learn alot from each other that we otherwise missed- of course, we have had 9 months, you only have 1.  Something very important here is: my dad is a very traditional latin man, and did not want us to move in together.  But we spoke to him for his blessings and explained the financial benefits and also talked about having the animals get used to each other.  It would have to happen eventually anyway.  My father approved and we went ahead and found our little place together.  Traditionally I too, would have waited, but I am open minded and practical.  Are you going to find a place to rent for 1 month, really???  Unlikely, but each town/city is different.  if you can stay with family for one month, what happens to all your stuff?  Same goes for storage-are you going to find a place for your stuff for one month???Or will you move all you things into his place and stay with family?  Talk it over with him and your family and be very frank about your intentions and reasons and what makes sense for YOU.  It's not exactly living in sin....we have my dad's approval now, but he doesn't cheer about it either.  We don't talk about it much, sparing my dad any details.  All in all, and sorry I went on and on...I say go for it.  Most of the comments on herpoint in that direction.  But it is just advice. At the end of the day, you need to make a choice for whats best for you.  Also consider what FI has to say on the matter.  Good luck on whatever you decide, and just remember- it's only 1 month.
  • by the way, the ladies that claim research shows a divorce rate is higher among couples who live together- they are wrong...If they did a little more homework, they would see reseacrh shows the opposite: couples who live together first have a better chance at the marrriage surviving...would be happy to e-mail links. 
  • Hi! I say go for it! =) Better to see how you two can handle each other full-time BEFORE tying the knot. My fiance and I actually moved in together like two months after we started DATING! lol Long story! haha but it was definitely hard, but I do not really think it was adjusting to each other that was hard, it was living with my dad. Love him dearly but our problems went away almost completely after we got our own place. Sure we have our fair share of problems like every couple, but moving out in our own place was great for us! I would say, if you havent done so already haha, to go for it. This way, like many others have said on here, you can RELAX after your wedding and honeymoon. and everything will already be situated! =) Good Luck! =D
  • WONDERFUL point! I completely agree with you! Of course if you don't move in before marriage because of a religious believe, you most likely feel that way about divorce, and waiting usually means both parties feel this way. Great point!

    Definitely do what works for YOU! Every situation is different =)
  • We moved in together before we were engaged and although some family members weren't as excited with our actions, it was the best choice for us. It's was a wonderful idea and I wouldn't change anything. You have to do what is right for you and your relationship. I will say that since we've gotten engaged, the fact that we live together doesnt seem like such a big deal to anyone anymore. Wink
  • Kate,

    My fiance and I are in a difficult situation with housing, too!  But we came up with a solution.  For financial reasons, we decided to move back home with our parents to save money before the wedding.  We live two hours apart, only see each other (on average) every other week (and by our wedding day will have done this for a year)... but it's totally worth it to protect the sacredness and specialness of our marriage.  In fact, the situation challenges us to improve our communication skills, and we really cherish the time we do have together.  We are so excited to move in together when we get married!  Yes, we know there are big challenges when that does happen, but we are prepared to face them head-on as a married couple when the time comes.  Until then, we are doing everything we can to build our relationship and strengthen our future marriage (for ex., through pre-marriage counseling).

    I realize that living with your parents may not be the best solution for you.  I would just really urge you to come up with a creative alternative to moving in with your fiance.  There are other living situations that will save money.  I know it's hard - I'm dying to live with my guy, too! - but it's totally worth it to give your wedding day the significance it deserves.  You've waited this long to live together... what's a few more months?  It shows that you respect, value and love each other enough to wait for each other... it communicates to your fiance that "he's worth the wait" (and in turn, he's telling you that you're worth the wait! And you definitely are!). 

    I've noticed that some people have mentioned using living together beforehand as a "testing period" for whether or not the two of you should get married.  However, because you are engaged, I would assume you already know that he's the one!  Their reasoning isn't valid.  If someone isn't sure that her fiance is the one and still needs to test her man out, he's either not really the one or the two of you need more time in the dating (rather than engaged) stage.

    You don't see hesitant about him, and I'm so glad!  You are mature enough that don't need this "testing period."  Trust that you know and love each other, trust in your fiance, and wait until you get married to move in.  Make your wedding day mark the start of something truly special. :)
  • Also, I forgot to mention something:

    - No matter which way you decide to go, you and your fiance will experience an adjustment period.  Why add to your stress by having the adjustment period as you plan a wedding?  If your already even somewhat stressed with wedding planning, that will make the adjustment period all the harder (and maybe even more painful).

    I don't know, I just don't want you to get in a situation you're uncomfortable with.  The fact that you even ask the question shows that you are at least a little unsure.  Sorry I've written so much... I just care about you as a fellow woman and I want you to be happy! You deserve the utmost respect, caring, and love.
  • I was living with my Boyfirend and than he popped the question after living together for about a year.  I wouldn't dream of living appart before the wedding.  I feel like we're already married!  But if you've never lived together it might put on a bit of stress but than again it my just be the best decision you've ever made.  Plus you're going to have to deal with the move after anyway, so it might just be better to move in together now, and than just come home and relax after the big day. 
  • For those who have said that divorce is more likely if cohabitation occurs before marriage a new study came out from the National Center of Health. The article was just posted on MSN a week ago. It states that "71 percent of men who were engaged when they moved in with their future first wife made it to their 10th anniversary, while men who didn’t cohabit before getting married, the success rate dropped slightly to 69 percent."

    Also an article I found on states "If cohabitation is limited to a person's future spouse, there is no elevated risk of divorce."

    More at :">Living together before marriage doesn’t increase divorce risk: Study">

    Either way though, it comes down to your personal preference. I can't imagine living without my FI, he is the best support system I have ever had because he understands me better than anyone else. We lean on each other and I don't think we could do that as much if we weren't living together. Moving a month before the wedding might be chaotic but I don't think it will affect the success rate of your marriage.
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  • In Response to <a href="">Re: Move in before or after the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE] Also...not that a month is very long, but for those thinking living together ups your chances of having an everlasting marriage...guess again. Living together before marriage ups your odds for divorce.  The stats prove it.
    Posted by stacelace22[/QUOTE]

    Stats do not <strong><em>prove</em> </strong>anything.  They show correlations, and correlation is not causation.
  • I am in the same dilemma....My Fiance's lease is up in is in August! I even thought about moving the wedding up to prevent us from living together before the wedding.....but uh....It aint gonna happen. We need all the time we can get to plan this wedding.  So he may just have to move in before....

    And to Stacelace 22.....just so you know the statistic of "Living together before marriage raises your chances of divorce" only applies to couples who have no intention of marriage. 

  • Wow and in the time while I was writing my post(and doing a million other things lol) two people posted my thoughts exactly (the whole cohabitation leads to divorce thing) before me! There must be somthin to that....... 
  • I have no idea if people will even read this far, but I had to put in my two cents.

    To everyone claiming that the divorce rate is higher amoung couples who cohabitate first, I must remind you of this:

    Statistics don't lie, but people lie with statistics.

    Yes, if you look at all marriages across the board, the divorce rate amoung couples who cohabitate first is technically higher. However, you have to bear in mind the individual personalities of each couple. In this day and age, the vast majority of couples who don't cohabitate only choose to do so because they have a moral issue with it. Couples who feel this way are also much more likely to have a problem with divorce under any circumstances and are more likely to stay in a bad or even abusive marriage. If you only look at couples who have no moral issue with cohabitation, the divorce rate among those who choose to live together first is much lower.

    OP: do what feels right for you. Personally, I would never have said yes if I hadn't already known from experience that my fiance and I are able to live together. I don't think there's really a better way to find out if our daily lives are compatable. If it makes sense for you and it's something you want, go for it!
  • My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years, we've lived together for the last 3 of them.  I'm so glad we did because we already know each other quirks.  We're getting married in a month and I feel nothing but excitement.  I'm glad I don't have to worry about the moving in with someone and us getting to know each other on that level because we already know what we're like. 

    I think every situation is different and you have to do what works for you.  If you already spend the majority of your time at each other's places (sort of living together but still have your own place) then you mine as well move in together.  If if would really be a lot of additional stress than maybe you can extend your lease a month or two or stay with a friend/family.  Good Luck!
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  • I completely agree :)
  • My fiance and I have lived together since before we started dating (literally), and we have been together for 3 years, engaged for 6 months and getting married in 6 months.  I think moving in would help with any stress you may be under right before the wedding.  He is your best friend and he will help keep you calm and know what to say to make you feel better.  Yes, it is only a month before your wedding, but it might just get yall even more excited about the wedding and then you don't have to worry about doing all the moving after yall are married.  Once the big day is finally here, then yall will know you can just go home to YALL'S home. :)
  • Just because everything does get so crazy when you move and as we all know that wedding stuff can get even more crazy the closer and closer it gets I would recomend asking the landlords if you can stay for an extra month. Most places will allow you to stay but they may raise your rent to whatever they are charging new leasers. If they don't allow you to stay then I would go ahead and move in with your fiance because, like I said moving is stressful and it will get even more stressful if you are living out of a suitcase or moving twice in a month.
  • Personally I would suggest discussing the option of slowly moving your stuff in, jus so it doesn't seem overwhelming.
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