I shouldn't care, but I'm hurt by my parents' reactions

mrsmilner

I was also a little disappointed with the reactions when we told family we were engaged.  Being together for almost 7 years and having a10 month old (at the time) out of wedlock it wasn't a huge surprise. His family was more excited it seemed. Basically there were a few good congratulations and a huge amount of "Well it's about time." I even got a few, "Oh I thought you were already".

benicola

Reading this thread has made me feel tons better....until now I thought it was just my parents who were weird about it. 

I told my parents over the phone as we got engaged abroad. I was hesitant to call them because I was worried of their reaction. When I did tell them my dad didn't actually say anything and didn't speak to me about it until I got home. My mum just said "oh, right, that's a shock" and then changed the subject. That annoyed me the most because when we called his parents they were so excited and happy and his mum was hardly taking breaths in between excited questions. 

When we first began to plan the wedding my mum suggested we elope to Egypt or somewhere and get it videoed so she could watch it when we returned. She wouldn't be able to go as she couldn't get the time off work (she's a hairdresser). I'm an only child. We then decided to have it over here.

Anyway, the planning is now under way and I've (with some great help from my H2B) organized everything myself. I've asked for help, and left things in mine and my future mum and dad in laws hands and they haven't got done, so I've ended up doing it myself. 
As the wedding date draws closer I'm hoping some help comes from somewhere. When it gets to 3 months before the wedding I will start asking more firmly for help. If I don't get it, I will demand it...and if I still don't get it I will stamp my feet until I do because I can't organize a wedding on my own!! I hate to get all bridezilla but I don't know what else will get through to them. I've mentioned how I feel already to my mum and she always seems to be doing something else. I hate feeling like I'm nagging.

But hey, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one feeling a bit disappointed. 
We all need to remember that we're marrying the one we love and that's all that matters.

ccmsoftball

Mine was not my parents, but my sisters' reactions that was a huge let-down:

When I tried on my first dress, they left the bridal shop to go shopping in the mall.

When they were waiting to get measured for their BM dresses, the youngest one huffed and questioned everyone what the hell they were sitting around for and how much longer would it take

I realize they both younger (19 and 16) so maybe they just aren't in the same stage I am. But.... was hoping for something more, thats for sure.

Redkelly

I've sat here and read a majority of these messages n understand. I reconnected with someone from high school talking on fb, texing, and finally phone for about 8 months. Finally saw each other when he came to help me move to another apt w my mom and kids, that was Sept 10. The day before Columbus day he proposed as were talking on fb saying he bought me something then proposed, he put it on fb so all our friends and family could see. Well that didn't go over to well becasue I didnt call my sisters 1st before putting it on fb. At 1st my mom loved him not now compares to exhusband (the sperm donor) will be my 3rd marriage his 1st. During the move found out he had a crush me during high school.  Wanted to elope, but informed family the wk b4 thanksgiving of our wedding 1/1/11. Now I hear how shelfish I am that noone can make the trip out of state that I should change the date - NOT. I love my FI and happy he lives in a different state. To much drama here slamming of doors and nasty comments. I look at it this way I have finally met some1 who loves me for who I am all my faults and messed up past and my kids who just adore him and call him dad.  He reminds me everyday how lucky he is to have a family and our kids r the future. - Less than a month to do for the wedding.

abaum2011

My parents have been happy for me but my Mom has not been the most supportive.  She gets an attitude b/c I don't want sleeves on my gown (yuck!) & we (future hubby & I) don't wanna get married in a church.  We want laid back family style barbeque & she wants plated...when I do ask her for her opinion she huffs & says "Doesn't matter what I say b/c ur just guna do what u want anyways."  O so helpful.  Hopefully tho the day will go just fine, even without my sleeves & plated dinners.

jillandtravis

My mom acted happy but also gave me alecture on being careful (my parents are divorced so marriage is a touchy subject) and then a couple weeks later, after we had chosen our date, she called and asked me to change it because she has a kayaking event that weekend... Are you f-ing kidding me? Don't worry about there reactions, focus on the people who are happy for you and remember that if you are happy and in love that everything else will work itself out...

suth0059

I'm just constantly amazed at the different stories you hear surrounding engagements/weddings/marriages. My parents and sister (who incidentally was ending her 7 year relationship as I was getting engaged) were over the moon to hear about our engagement. Likewise, my fiance's family was the same. I don't know what I would have done had the news not illicited those reactions! Especially since the day after we got engaged we were embroiled in a little friend drama. Who knew that getting engaged two weeks prior to another friend's wedding would insight so much anger? Silly us for living our lives and moving toward next steps! At any rate, the harrier that situation got, the more I needed the love and support of family and other friends who were genuinely excited for us.
Everyone else who's commented likewise is right- focus on the positive and remember that your feelings (and those of your fiance) are what is important! I do hope that your family comes around eventually and shows you the support you deserve as a succesful, independent woman who's taken her time in making the decision to get married. Congrats!

Bailey2be2011

My dad's reaction was as expected... emotionless. I know he is happy for me though. My mom was ecstatic but she has sense brought up issues about the fact that he has a child and the career he is in doesn't exactly pay well and so on. THEN, whenever I tell her what I want for our wedding she finds a way to ruin it. First, she didn't like that I didn't want to invite children (the reason was because the venue only fits 150 people and between the 2 of us there are over 40 kids under the age of 12). She didn't like the venue because my dad's sister works there and she thinks it will be all about his family (parents are divorced) and then she complained about inviting my dad's 2nd wife (they are divorced now too but she was a part of my life for a long time). Pretty much she had something to say about everything. SO, I canceled the BIG wedding. I can't deal with all her crap and spend the insane amount of money only for her to make the day miserable. Now we are having a small Church wedding with some finger food afterwards and it's on a Wednesday. Guess what, she hates the church I pick. LOL. All that matters is I get the man of my dreams for the rest of my life but damn if she can't make things difficult. I can't wait til we start a family. She probably won't like the names we pick out.

YoungNY

I'm in a similar boat. My FH and I have been together for a little over a year, we got engaged on our first anniversary. We had been talking about getting married for a few months before that. I told my father who was in disbelief. I didn't have a ring so he didn't take me seriously. After we offically got engaged and I had a ring, he asked me very seriously, "is this what you really want?" I told him yes and he was accepting. The funny thing is my step-mother whom I've never gotten along with actually texted that night to congratulate me. It was werid she never texts me or calls for that matter. However, a week later I was talking to my dad about wedding plans and he yelled at me, "Who said you're getting married? I think that's a really bad idea!" I was shocked. Since then, he has come around a bit. I backed off talking about it for a while then slowly would tell him my plans by talking about other people in my family who are excited for us. He finally sighed heavily and asked what his part in all this was, what he was supposed to pay for. I told him I wasn't asking for anything. All he had to do was show up. Since we're not getting married until 2012 he has doubts it will happen at all. He agreed to help, but said he wouldn't do anything until september 2011, which is 1 year before we are supposed to be married.

MY FH family on the other hand, is less than happy. He lives with his 2 aunts, when he told them, they make fun of him. They're reaction was more like "Yeah, right!" Now they make comments like, " Well, we're not paying for it." and "You better find somewhere else to live." OK, first he had his own place, but moved in with them after his grandfather died to help out. Niether of them have a job and both are getting older. I have my own place and he plans to move in with me after we get married. And like I said before we're not asking anyone for anything. The rest of his family won't even acknowledge it.

I think the fact that the have never gotten married and have lived together thier whole lives has something to do with it. They have never even had boyfriends. They are very sheltered and expected him to be that way as well. His family doesn't like outsiders very much and to them I'm an outisder. They are civil towards me, but they don't trust me and nothing I do will change that.

dordtgrl4

Yup, similar experience. My dad said "hey, that's nice." (But I understood that because FI asked him for his permission earlier...so he was expecting it.)
Mom- "We don't have any money to help you. If your dad wasn't divorcing me, maybe we would..." (We didn't ask for financial help) and after that discussion she said, "Well maybe if Stephen didn't just buy a new truck you would be able to pay for your own wedding..." (Again, didn't ask for help, just calling to inform you.)
But the absolute WORST reaction I got from a family member was from my brother. After I said, "Stephen proposed!" He said, and I quote, "I broke up with Michelle today." Oh my goodness, well we all saw that happening...it's the 3rd time. And just for everyone's information, they are back together and ENGAGED. So why did he have to do that to me? There was no congrats little sis. Nothing to acknowledge it. I cried for weeks afterwards. And not because I wanted to be a brat and have all the attention, but because instead of it being a really happy time for me, I had to listen to all the complaining afterwards. Not exactly what I had in mind for that special night.

That being said. I've never been happier. It's my day and I realize no one will quite be as excited for it as we (FI and I) are, but after those few weeks of crying I sucked it up and haven't let it ruin my mood again. Sorry it had to happen to others out there. It's not fun but it's not the end.

kookie1968

My parents weren't  very excited, nor my sisters, or his mother (her reaction after about a 10 second pause was "well congratulations"), and even a few of our friends could've shown a little more enthusiasm.  But my brother and sister-in-law and our next door neighbors were thrilled.  It doesn't really matter how anyone else feels just as long as you're happy.  We're thrilled that you guys are getting married   Good luck and best wishes for a lifetime of happiness together.

AprilDenson

Ouch.

I'm sorry to here that.

My Dad was over the moon when Ryan asked me...

My mom still re assures herself that "it might not work out" Everytime I finalize another detail she gets upset and asks "so your doing this aren't you?"

My fiance is in medical school, and a amazing provider and supports anything I want to do I don't know WHAT more she could want.

Bjenn12

I am 26 and have two older sisters, 30 and 34. We are all engaged, so announcing my engagement didn't go over well either. My mom says that she wouldn't be excited until the planning starts. When I went to see a few venues with her, her excitement kicked in. Wait until you start planning, your mom will come around too.

rubymiene

My parents were literally like, "oh, okay." Long pause. "Congratulations." No enthusiasm at all. 

They don't like FI, so I guess I shouldn't have been expecting much, but I had already talked to my aunt and grandma (I called my parents first, but they didn't pick up the phone) and they were super-excited, so it was very deflating. 

My coworkers are more excited about this wedding than my parents. Sigh.

Cevenhouse

Ooh, this is a good board.

My fiance and I told my parents within a half hour of getting engaged. As a heads up, my dad has never been a fan of my fiance. So mom was very excited, wanted details, and more. My dad let out the biggest sigh ever,  and just said that he wished we had told him in person. (I didn't live with my family at the time).

Since we've been engaged the last few months, we have gotten little to no excitement or response. Our family life is hectic (sick relatives), but my mom didn't even think to put it on Christmas cards. At times I feel like I'm overreacting, but I would love a little excitement. It's just my fiance and I plugging along doing everything ourselves.

duckypants

Some people just do not know how to react appropriately to this news. My Fiance's Mom and Step-Dad are very cool and fun people, but they're not very emotional or sentimental. They don't say "I Love You", they never call us, hardly ever visit (they live a 14 hr drive away from us), and they never try to delve into our lives too much. We called them with our exciting news , and my fiance was INTERRUPTED by his mother while he tried to tell her because she HAD to tell him about their recent trip to Pennsylvania and New York. So he waited. An hour later, she was finally done. So he told her. Her response was "oh, that's nice! congratulations! Did I tell you about when we saw Ground Zerol?". And that was it. THE moment. They haven't shown any interest since then...even though we've set a date, booked a venue, and started making plans. The date is on their calendar, and MAYBE they'll show up. There's always going to be SOMEONE who pees on your pancakes. Try not to let if affect you. My parents were ecstatic (and were there at the surprise proposal) and screamed and cried and jumped up and down clapping their hands - this more than made up for his parents' lack of enthusiasm. I had friends so excited they practically messed their pants, and other who were so lacklustre they could have been sleeping when I announced it. My grandma made a point of dissing our wedding venue when we told her where we were getting married - and made a point of crossing her arms and saying "well i GUESS the people who go MIGHT enjoy it". Just take the good stuff and run with it - don't let anyone get you down when it comes to one of the most exciting times of your life.
Congratulations, by the way! 

flitterfly13

My fiance proposed while on a class trip in Australia ( We have been dating over 5 years)
Similar reactions...
Mom - This call is too expensive for you, send me an email bye. (p.s. renting a computer in OZ costs more than a phone call).
Dad - Thats nice. Call your mother.

As a last effort to cheer me up, my fiance called my grandma who responed the way I hoped, and said she would work on my mom.

Im so sorry your parents disappointed you, just focus on the people who are really excited for you and with time, your parents should come around Good Luck and Congrats!

sbyrne2

I completely understand! I was dating my Fiance for 6 years and my family loves him, so this couldnt have been much of a surprise. When I told my family we were engaged I got a bit of a cheer but after that everyone just acted very inconvenienced.  My parents kept saying they just werent ready for this (mentally.... I think they didnt want to feel that old), my sister is older and not in a relationship so she kept acting like everytime I mentioned the wedding (which I promise I made a point of not doing very often) it was a personal attack on her, and my Great Aunt who is divorced kept asking if I was sure because the way my Fiance was sneaky about proposing (a surprise trip to Disneyland!) meant he could be sneaky about cheating on me. 

I am in a position to give advice though, I have been engaged for 8 months now and have the wedding mostly planned out, and everyone has gotten on board.  What I learned (after initial disapointment and many talks with the various family members) While you and your fiance may have been ready for this, the other people in your life havent been apart of the growing that made your relationship strong enough to get married.  So they have no idea how strong the relationship is or what you getting married will mean to them.  My advice to anyone about to get engaged is to not tell anyone and just enjoy the state of being engaged for a bit because once to tell people the bubble is burst and they start asking about logistics.... it ruins the high that you had. But if you have, give them time to adjust, you were ready for the next stage of your life but they are not ready for you to move on.  They will be happy for you eventually but give them a bit of space and then when the time is right have a heart to heart.  I recommend creating a blog, that way you can vent into the void, or keep track of all the things you are doing or the thoughts you are having about the wedding.  When a friend shows interest you can invite them to the blog.  Either way you are venting your feelings which is the most important thing.  Good Luck.   

brittanyand james

i dont really think it matters about others reactions in a sense, i mean yes others showin excitement and especially parents is important but you have to remember this is your and your fiances special day and no one elses and you have to live with your new husband not them so as long as your happy with who you are marrying then no one elses opinion should matter hope this helps

logan.danielle.smith

I had a similar rection from my parents (maybe it is because they knew it was coming).  I kept trying to tell my mom things so she would be excited but usually she would make unpleasant faces or not care at all so I just stopped telling her anything about the wedding.  After a few months she realized that she knew nothing about the wedding so she started to act more excited.  Maybe the same would work for you...
I know it hurts, especially when it comes from your mom, because you want your parents to share in your excitement.

sevatipari

I told my birth father over dinner with the family I was like "Daddy I have something to ask you?"  *held out left hand with ring on it*  "Will you marry me?" (he's training to become a minister).  He was like "If you're lucky."  Then FI's grandma asked him how he felt about his lil girl getting married and he goes "It's their funeral."  I have no idea what my stepmother thinks nor do I care.  Momma was a lil more enthusiastic but not what I expected (she's gotten more excited as time went on).  Idk how my stepdad felt til he took one look at my face when I showed him the picture of the dress I fell in love with that was out of my range gave me a hug and said "Go get your dress."  My grandparents are all super excited and so glad I found someone who makes me happy especially since my ex was abusive.

trwilliams817

Don't worry about it.  Enjoy the engagement at the fullest and do not worry about others reaction to it.  As long as you and your future hubby are excited that is all that matters. 

f pamplemousse

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for sharing your stories.  My fiance's family is incredibly welcoming to me and I know my he feels a little put off by my family.  My parents (as far as I know just really my mom) have "concerns" but I will agree with the others who said involving her in the planning has helped.

lpolak

I can understand where you're coming from.  I called my mom about 10 minutes after we got engaged and I stopped crying and the first thing she did was scream "WOOHOO!!!!" and "YAY!!!!" in my ear.  FI could here her through the phone and started laughing hysterically.  That was the reaction I expected from her.  I didn't expect my father (when I called him) to tell me, "Well I told everyone you were getting engaged at Christmas and when it didn't happen I thought to myself that it'd either be New Year's or Valentine's Day next then."  I didn't quite know what to say to that one!  Needless to say, they're happy for us and I'm glad because we can't wait to say "I do."  Just let it sink in and give them a little time.  I think it's harder for a girl's parents to be too excited because they feel like they're "losing" their baby girl when really they're just gaining a son.

ccerj

I really don't think you should dwell on it too much.  It doesn't sound that bad, really.  It could always be worse.  I did have a similar experience.  To make a very long story short and not go into the mess of details as to why everyone reacted the way they did, I will summarize:

Mom: happy, but in a very weary, unsure, half-assed way.  FI has since grown on her, since she got to know him and realized that he is a genuinely good guy who loves me dearly and wants to make me happy.

Stepdad: Extremely and inexcusably rude and hostile towards FI since day one.  Is convinced that, because FI is in the Navy, FI will cheat on me each and every chance he gets and never fails to not so subtly hint at that every single time I see him.  I keep my stepdad and FI far away from each other.

Dad: Very cynical at first.  Now that he's actually gotten to know FI, Dad seems to like him quite a bit.  They even go hunting together.

Stepmom: The only one who was openly and genuinely happy for me right from the start.

Sister: For some absurd reason, only God knows how she got this idea in her head, thinks FI is; a) racist (I am mixed race, so why would a white dude who is racist even speak to me, let alone fall in love with me), a liar (this one really did come out of nowhere), and a "mouse killer" (he was taking care of my pet mice while I was studying abroad in Europe and the poor thing died... from a spider bite... pretty sure my FI is not a spider).  I suspect my sister felt it necessary to come up with wild accusations so that she could have a valid reason for hating FI instead of "because he's like Dad".

Mom's reaction really didn't bother me at all, Stepdad's reaction made me feel that both me and FI were being insulted and I definitely feel further insulted by insistence to keep on with the character assassination, especially after my mom has come to find my FI to be a good man.  Dad's reaction was what i expected really.  

My sister's reaction totally shocked me.  We are really close, so I was kind of thinking she'd be happy for me.  When it came to light how she felt about FI (during a phone conversation when i was away in Europe), we had a big fight we didn't talk to each other for a couple months after I got back to the States.  She's coming to visit from the East Coast at Christmas and I am hoping we can get over the weirdness this has caused and that she can be an adult (she is 29, after all) and actually meet FI face to face (for the first time, by the way) and see how he interacts with me and other people before making a judgement.

So yeah, just relax and take it one day at a time if it really bugs you that much.  It could be worse. 

carriejohn09

WOW reading some of these make me feel better about the reaction I got from my FMIL. Her response was " WOW thats nice but (his sisters name here) is getting married in 2011 so dont steal her thunder". I sat there with my mouth open.. After I calmed down I kinda saw her point. He was married before briefly and due to he felt obligated to get married. But still this is my 1st and thats not a reaction I expected. I dont know how his sister reacted bc I wasnt there but my sisters were screaming...

TheKnittingJedi

My parents were happy for us (they knew beforehand since my FI asked my parents to marry me first, and then my mum went and told half the neighborhood that I was getting engaged, lol) but when I called my sister and told her, she didn't seem very excited. I was a little hurt at first but my sister and I have different ways of looking at almost everything, so I didn't let it bother me. She's going to be my MOH and I know she's excited about it.

rkelley25

This is MY first time posting on here, too, but I truly understand some of the concerns addressed throughout this thread.  When we told my family and his, everyone was reasonably supportive, but in the past few months, my family has utterly shut down.  We've been engaged for about three months now, and already my brother has pulled out from attendance (I live in the Mid West but my family is from the Pacific Northwest), and has told me that it's just not that important to him.  My mother keeps complaining that she'll have to save up money to attend, and that she won't even get to see much of me because I'll be busy with the wedding.  She has been rude and unsupportive throughout.  She mocked my future MIL's reactions and told me that she thought it was all "stupid."  She has complained at each step in which she has been included.  I love her very much, but she is trying to turn the entire production into "her show," if that makes any sense.  She cannot stand that she is not the center of attention.  Besides that, she is angry with me for making my brother upset (he's in his late thirties) by the prospect of spending money to come for my wedding, and wants me to figure out a way to reconcile.  He's already stated in no uncertain terms that he will not attend, so I don't know of any way to "reconcile" this issue.  She has left me so upset about the whole process that I find it difficult to enjoy any of the planning.  I strongly considered eloping.  Fortunately, my future in-laws are lovely, fun, wonderful people who have openly embraced me, thrown us dinners to celebrate our engagement, and in general have provided enough enthusiasm to make up for my family's lack thereof.  My only regret now is that I still feel the need to have my family in attendance.  All of this excludes my father, who has shown unwavering love and support.  

As to the "recession proof" jobs, I have one.  I am in the military in a chronically undermanned and essential field.  If I can stay in reasonable shape and keep up on my own career requirements, I will have a job until retirement.  It is a meager retirement, to be fair, but I will still be young enough to find another job.  

Enami

My mom was very much like this. My FI and I are both 21, and still depend on our parents for a lot (mostly because of college). He still lives at home (which is about 5 miles from his school), and I go to school about an hour north, but my parents for me to live up there. So we definitely aren't out on our own yet, though not from lack of effort. I was home visiting for a weekend (we both grew up in the same town but didn't meet til college), and he proposed at my parents' house. Now about the only thing my dad and I really can talk about is relationships, we approach them in a very similar manner. So later that evening, I went and told him FI proposed, and he was all excited, and we had a great chat (the second thing out of his mouth was "I'm fine with paying for your wedding, I am your dad and all".). Next morning my mom comes up to me and says, "So I hear you got something". So I showed her my ring, and she said it was very pretty and very me. Then proceeded to spend about 10 times the amount of time of congratulating me on telling me that I had other responsibilities and I should focus on them and not on a wedding. I'm a fairly good multi-tasker, and this really bothered me. But its been about a month and a half, I told her we set a date, she said to be flexible, I told her to start working on her guest list, and she seems to be warming up to the fact that I am getting married. He and I are moving in together next fall, the wedding is the following summer, and we both (hopefully) graduate the following fall. Just give her some time, I know mine were just worried about us making it, being college students and all.

reason00

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_shouldnt-care-but-im-hurt-parents-reactions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:826663fa-b16e-4d64-be82-0aabde2791faPost:9ab8a1b8-fb14-48aa-ad24-43a78c34d987">Re: I shouldn't care, but I'm hurt by my parents' reactions</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I shouldn't care, but I'm hurt by my parents' reactions : No, I'm not upset.  I'm sorry if you think that disagreeing with you equaled personal hurt or pain on my part.  I have pretty much the most useless degree combo on the planet, and peddle porn for a living (and love most every minute of it).  So, I'm neither someone who was caught off guard by recession issues nor someone who has personal esteem issues tied up in my career. I'm just saying that if you guys honestly believe that your FI's job is so perfect that NO AMOUNT of economic decline could cause the business he's in to decrease or downsize, then I kind of get why your parents are uncomfortable with the idea of you getting married.  I'm not trying to be rude or snarky or mean.  I honestly just find that view to be beyond naive. I do find it interesting that you continue the argument, but have yet to say what the mythical "100% economically independent industry" is.  But it's your business, so if you don't want to say, that's completely understandable. But please don't assume that every time someone doesn't poop sympathy and sneeze agreement with your every thought/feeling/post that you have somehow hurt them.  It's incredibly self-absorbed to assume you have that sort of power on the internet.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]



I must say I'm curious on this industry, too.

And...

OK, I read through every post looking for the answer, now tell me which 2 weren't affected in the great depression? It has to be prostitution!!  I just know it!!