FFIL is driving me crazy!!!!!

danieliza1127

Well the only way you can attempt to change it is to talk to your FI about it and make sure he sees that's what's happening.  Maybe explain to him how it's not healthy but at the same time let him know that you support him.  It's tough because if he's touchy about his dad, he may not be ready to hear it from you.Nugget - I'm totally with you and don't get why everyone is acting like this.  Her FI obviously wasn't happy in his previous relationship and that's why he fell for someone else.  If he is happy and in love and committed now, it won't happen now. 

tidetravel

At least call a spade a spade.  I was in a similar situation.  I was the "whore" and the "homewrecker" in my relationship with my ex-FI.  We met at work, became good friends, went out for drinks a couple times.  He wasn't happy in his marriage, and I knew it.  I had feelings for him, and I could tell that he did for me too.  We never kissed or had any physical contact before he broke things off.  True, if it wasn't with me, it would have been with someone else.  Doesn't mean that I didn't know what I was doing, and that it wasn't wrong.     

born_for_this

What a romantic "story". I wonder what the grandkids will think?

mandysmear

Well you can make suggestions, but it's really not up to you.  It's up to your FI, FFIL and FSIL.  If he's in counsilling, that is a step in the right direction.  You just have to be patient.

PiperS

Because if the OP's FI was a decent man and he wasn't happy with his relationship he should have communicated that with his GF not have an emotional affair with someone else! say what you want abotu me but my FI is an amazing man. it was not a FUUUUcking emotional affair. we worked next to each other and joked around. we never went out on our own and we just had so much in common we fell in love. then he broke up with her because he realized they weren't right for each other and that he was in love with me. he did the decent thing. you can't fault someone because they fall out of love with you!!! she didn't even fault him!

angiebear11

Nugget - I'm totally with you and don't get why everyone is acting like this. Her FI obviously wasn't happy in his previous relationship and that's why he fell for someone else. If he is happy and in love and committed now, it won't happen now. No, I'm sorry I disagree. If you're unhappy in a relationship your break it off. You don't fall in love with someone else first, and then decide to break up with your current GF because someone better came along.

salt78

[i]You don't fall in love with someone else first, and then decide to break up with your current GF because someone better came along.[/i] Exactly. Which is clearly what happened because she said that he called his girlfriend that very night and was like "see ya"!

PiperS

sometimes you don't even realize you are unhappy. he didn't. they were just living life and working. it didn't hit him until then.

tidetravel

FFIL is in rehab and going to counseling.  I don't know what more you expect from him. If he is happy and in love and committed now, it won't happen now. Until he is not so happy and not so in love... which is when she would need to watch out for him going out for drinks with a co-worker.  Presumably, he was in love with former g/f at some point to. 

born_for_this

Look at it this way. If the same exact situation happened now with your FI and another co-worker, would you consider it cheating?  

PiperS

no i don't think he ever was in love with her. i do know that he is in love with me. i am not even a little bit nervous about it.

born_for_this

*and you were the girlfriend

PiperS

no i wouldn't consider it cheating because nothing happened. he has female friends now and thats all we were.

salt78

I think you are very naive.

born_for_this

Oh that is bull.

angiebear11

no i wouldn't consider it cheating because nothing happened. he has female friends now and thats all we were. Isn't that all you were, a "friend"?

BecW2be

It's a slippery and very muddy slope. When I met FI I was married, and knew within about 15 minutes that we could never even be friends because I was attracted to him. We spoke a few times after meeting, but we agreed that even friendship would be a bad idea, so we ended all contact. almost 11 years went by before we came back into contact after that first chance meeting. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be when no one is attached to anyone else. Just my opinion.

danieliza1127

Angiebear, I get your point now.  I guess I was thinking that as long as he broke it off before he actually cheated, he was doing the right thing.  But I do see your point the way you are explaining it.  I also get the point about wondering about him because if he didn't even realize he was unhappy, how can she ever trust that he's happy with her?

angiebear11

Ok reading fail. What I meant to say is, if you were just a "friend" and he has other female "friends" what makes you soooo sure he wont do the same to you.

tidetravel

Ditto Salt.

SwedishChick2011

Exactly. Which is clearly what happened because she said that he called his girlfriend that very night and was like "see ya"! Yeah, it's like he had to line another girl up before breaking up with his girlfriend just in case. 

PiperS

i just think you guys like drama. there is no way that you could make assumptions like this without knowing anything. if he were a jerk he would have tried to get something out of me. he didn't even really know how i felt before he broke up with her. he broke up with her because of how he felt. the break up was even kinda mutual. she was not upset because i think she already knew it was over. its not like that had this great relationship and they were madly in love. sometimes i think when you are with someone for a substantial amount of time you are just used to it.

SarahSmile23

i'm Team Salt on this one.

angiebear11

Let me ask, how do you know how the break-up went? Were you there? Or are you just going by what your FI has told you? Because how do you know he's telling the truth?

SarahSmile23

piper, look on the positive side...at least nobody has called you stupid today!

[Deleted User]

Replace FFIL with FMIL and I have the exact same situation going on.  Just support your FI like you have been and encourage others to help him to help himself.  It can get really stressful at times, I know, just remember how your FI must be feeling in those times and be there to help however he needs you.  Good luck!

NuggetBrain

Okay you know what?  Knock it off.  You're projecting.  I know people this has happened to - they weren't happy but they were familiar, and somebody came along that they just up and clicked with, and they ended up leaving their girlfriend or boyfriend.  And both parties are happier now with other people.  Sometimes people don't leave familiar because they don't know they can have more than just familiar, and then when it happens they realize that they've settled when they shouldn't have. 

salt78

[i]she was not upset because i think she already knew it was over.[/i] Of course she did. When my ex would go out for drinks with another girl all the time, I pretty much knew it was over also. Doesn't make it any easier and don't pretend like you know how that poor girl felt.

PiperS

i could care less if you think i am stupid. i am on here for wedding advice but its rarely about weddings and in-laws. how long did it take all of you to fall in love with FI or DH?

tidetravel

there is no way that you could make assumptions like this without knowing anythingPlease see prior post.  I WAS in your situation  Your situation is textbook "I'm not happy in a relationship so I'm going to wait until something better comes along before I get the balls to leave"  All anyone is saying is that you are naive to think that he was never in love with her, and that this situation COULDN'T possibly happen to you because you are his ONE TRUE LOVE.You have also convinced yourself that you did nothing wrong in the first place, when you admitted that you were in love with him before he broke up with his g/f.