FFIL is driving me crazy!!!!!

amalama

I had a situation very similar to Sarah's but not as bad. Ex-BF cheated constantly, had me convinced that when I got suspicous it was because I was crazy and jealous, not because he was doing anything wrong. Cheated with a close friend of mine, all of our circle of friends new. ALL of them except maybe my best friend at the time, which I really am still not that sure that she didn't. I have a hard time believing that. I kissed another guy one night when we had gotten in a fight, and I was out with other friends. He was supposed to be having a guys night, I called him and the girl I was so suspicious of answered the phone. So I decided to break up with him the next day, and kissed someone else because I was pissed. The next day he somehow explained it away and I stayed with him, but a while later felt guilty and told him, which eventually led to us breaking up. There is a lot more too it than that, but that is the gist. I guess it was wrong, but I am so glad that it happened. Otherwise, I don't know how much longer I would have stayed with that a$$hole. And I don't think it makes me any more likely to cheat now, I think it does make me more likely to recognize things going bad before they get to that point though.

smokeybailey

holy h#ll, that was a lot of responses.I am soooo on the late freight.In other news, beware Canadians, I am coming to your country for a week.  Lock up your wine and booze.

eastunder1

This thread is just astonishing.  Wow.  They did the right thing and didn't explore anything they may have been feeling until they were both single.  Sometimes life happens like this and gets a little grey.  Things aren't always so cut and dry when feelings are involved, and it sounds like they did the right thing.  They realized there were feelings.  He left his relationship.  And clearly he wasn't with the right person to begin with.  What should they have done?  Made themselves NOT feel an emotion they were feelings?  OK. This board kills me sometimes.  How do people reach the computer from such high horses?

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

Okay, as I walked away from my desk, I considered this:Everyone has different standards for their relationships. So, what's okay in my relationship may not be in yours, and vice versa. In mine, it's not okay for FI/me to be out with people of the opposite sex that we are attracted to, develop feelings for them, and then decide to leave the other.In my relationship, I do not flaunt FI's past as part of our how we met story.In my relationship, I demand respect for myself from FI and from myself (and he demands it both of me and himself). If either of us were to disrespect the other or ourselves...well, we'd have issues.So, I will agree to disagree on this. But I do like the view from my high horse, wading, so I think I'll stay up here

pumpkinpumpkin

pumpkin-- don't tell me to shut up. if yuo don't like it then stop reading it! Piper, don't be such a biitch. I was giving you advice. I genuinely meant it. I don't care if you keep blabbling on about your situation...but if you don't want this flaming to go on, just shut your trap, and it will go away. You're welcome, btw.

sarah0725

That sounds pretty similar to my situation, amalama.Would I handle it differently now? Sure. For one thing, I wouldn't be caught dead now dating such a jerk. But back then I was young and impressionable, and he was the first boyfriend that I hadn't met at Catholic school. Plus, it was my first year in college and I was an easy mark for a manipulative person. I learned a lot from that relationship, and I got FI out of it, after several years and much growing up had passed (this happened in 2002 and we started dating in 2005), which is pretty great. Ultimately, I'm stronger after everything that happened.

eastunder1

As far as your originial Q piper, I sort of relate.  My FFIL is very needy in terms of attention.  He calls ALL the time, he wants to fly out and visit ALL the time.  The last time he did he stayed for two weeks and I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I try not to take it out on FI though, because I know he is in a tough spot of being annoyed himself, but still feeling obligated because you know, it's his dad.  I guess I don't really have any good advice, other than to try to sypathize that it's probably driving your FI crazy too but he just feels stuck.

amalama

Sarah-I totally agree, I would do it differently, by just not being with a jerk. But I was young also, and honestly it has made me stronger. No one in hell would I allow someone to treat me the way he did now. So while I know it was wrong, I honestly think it has made my relationships since then better, not made me likely to cheat on any BF.

wadingmoose

I never said she was the cause of the relationship ending, and agree that his relationship with g/f was probably on it's way out (at least in his mind) but based on what I experienced, it's silly for her to pretend that she was an innocent party in everything that happened.Actually, my understanding is they were friends, he was attracted to her (which she didn't know AT THE TIME) and she was attracted to him (which HE didn't know at the time).  He ended the relationship for the same reason you indicate: because he was attracted to someone else.And then he acted on it after he ended the previous relationship.So...PS.  I don't agree that finding yourself attracted to other people means your relationship is in danger.  Getting married or being in a relationship doesn't make you dead.  You still will be attracted to other people.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

That I completely agree with, Wading. I think it would be really unnatural to stop being attracted to others just because you're in a relationship. I think we call that "obsessive."

jasmineh7777

OP- I think pumkin telling you to shut up was her seriously trying to help you not get flamed. More of a, "if I don't move, they can't see me type thing." Sarah- Yeah. You are obviously a horrible person for kissing someone at 17....Oh wait..kissing boys art 17 is pretty normal for most people. And I doubt you two had planned to be together forever. He sounds like an as$ anyway.    --It's easy to judge other people, but seriously if you weren't involved in the relationship then reserve the judgment of someone who was SEVENTEEN. What does that mean? She still lived at home and was in high school. WTF.Nugget- You are fantastic. 1. Because of your phrases such as douchnozzle. and 2. Your description of attraction making your vag tingle. Spot on and quite funny. I appreciate that you can argue and amuse me at the same time.

wadingmoose

In mine, it's not okay for FI/me to be out with people of the opposite sex that we are attracted to, develop feelings for them, and then decide to leave the other.You're right.  This isn't acceptable.Good thing Piper's FI wasn't actually engaged, then, right?

sarah0725

PS. I don't agree that finding yourself attracted to other people means your relationship is in danger. Getting married or being in a relationship doesn't make you dead. You still will be attracted to other people.Thank you, Wading. ITA. Since I started dating FI, there have been at least three or four occasions where I've met someone and though, "Gee, if I wasn't with FI, this is the kind of guy I'd want to be in a relationship with." The important thing is to always recommit to the person you're with. People are human.

Kati0105

They did the right thing and didn't explore anything they may have been feeling until they were both single. Sometimes life happens like this and gets a little grey. Things aren't always so cut and dry when feelings are involved, and it sounds like they did the right thing. They realized there were feelings. He left his relationship. And clearly he wasn't with the right person to begin with. What should they have done? Made themselves NOT feel an emotion they were feelings? OK.Wow, I am late to this party, but I agree with this 100%.  I don't think that a friendship, even a flirty one, counts as cheating at all.  If a relationship is going to fall apart, it is going to fall apart, regardless of outside influences.  Our society seems to LOVE to put all the blame on "the other woman" but IMO the only people responsible for ensuring that a relationship is strong and without infidelity are the two people IN the relationship.  "Homewrecker" is possibly one of the dumbest terms ever invented.

sarah0725

What does that mean? She still lived at home and was in high school. WTF.Actually, I was in my first year of college, but that makes me an unsupervised minor thrown upon the mercy of jazz and booze (sorry I watched Chicago last night).

PiperS

pumpkin-- if you were just trying to be nice then sorry i was rude back. however, i don't really think i am being flamed. most people don't think i was in the wrong. i did need to explain it a little bit for them to feel that way though.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

In mine, it's not okay for FI/me to be out with people of the opposite sex that we are attracted to, develop feelings for them, and then decide to leave the other.You're right. This isn't acceptable.Good thing Piper's FI wasn't actually engaged, then, right?I know we disagree on this one, but there's no reason to be completely literal with what I said. That would be completely unacceptable for any relationship of mine, whether we just decided we're "going steady" ::eyeroll::, to being engaged, to being married. You have to know that there are different levels of feelings for people. Being attracted to someone (whether physically or emotionally) is completely natural. Developing stronger feelings for someone knowing they're in a relationship (or if you're in a relationship) isn't the same thing.

jasmineh7777

And Piper, just to let you know "Shut up" won't be the worst thing you hear. I am sure you are in a defensive position right now with so many people attacking you, but really, no one on here is going to say "It is in your best interest to refrain from commenting." They'll just tell you to shut up. As to your original question- the situation sucks. My FMIL is very similar. FI's younger brother actually lived with us for a while because she couldn't support him. It's a tough situation, but making it an issue will likely cause tension between you are your fiance.

tidetravel

Wading - I see your point; that wasn't the way that I understood it, but this post has gone on so long I probably got confused. For my part, I found myself attracted to other people in a way that I shouldn't have been (not, Oh - he's hot, but a "ohmygoshiwanttogettoknoweverythingaboutyou" type of way.  That was my indicator that something wasn't right.)

jasmineh7777

Well Sarah then I take it back. Sinsinsin!If it was close mouthed you might be able to get away with it after some serious atonement.If there was tongue involved then you are definitely hell-bound. hahaCollege at 17? Impressive.

Leah&Christian09

I think that we can forgive that 17 year old for kissing that other boy.Of course.  She was young, stupid, and there were circumstances.  Of course it deserves to be forgiven.  But that doesn't mean it wasn't wrong.  Cheating is wrong.  Flat out screwing someone else, kissing someone, emotional cheating, whatever.  Just as acting on feelings for someone in a relationship is wrong.  It doesn't make you a horrible person, and (IMHO) nothing is unforgivable.  But that doesn't make it right or ok.Do I think OP was wrong?  Yes.  Do I think her FI was wrong?  Yup.  Does it matter?  Not a bit.  It may have hurt the ex, it may not.  It may be a sign that the FI will repeat his actions, it may not.  It's done.  I know a couple that got together when she was cheating on her BF years ago.  They've been together 10 years now.  It happened, it's done.  The ex moved on and is happy with his new wife, and they are all friends.  Who cares who did what to whom?

sarah0725

It may have been...... five hours of kissing. And FI.... may have gotten poison ivy because there were woods involved.I was SMRT when I was a little kid so they let me skip a grade.

jasmineh7777

And this may be appropriate if the title of the post was- "Please bombard me with your moral judgements!"

wadingmoose

But, Vogt, they were coworkers.  And my understanding is that prior to his ending his relationship, the times they "went out," it was with a group of people from work.I may be attracted to a coworker, but I'm not going to skip team events because of it.  I'm also not going to quit over it.  So we're going to be in situations where we're going to get to know each other better.  Even if it's just working on a project together IN office hours.I'm marrying someone else.  But if FI and I were just starting a relationship, or in a relationship that appeared to be going nowhere, I'd be open to other options because dating relationships don't have the same level of commitment as a marriage or an engagement.However, I have a strict "no dating at work" policy so it'd still be irrelevant, but not everyone has that and such relationships can be very successful.

[Deleted User]

PIPER- Hopefully you see this down here but it is very frustrating.  FI and I have a joint checking acct so everytime "he" pays for cigarettes/groceries/etc it is essentially coming from me too.  I don't think she understands this, like she is only putting him out.  I haven't had much luck because the way her family treats her is sort of enabling her behavior.  I just try to stay sane when she goes off on FI and support him in what he chooses to do.  I try to tell myself that if it were my mom, what would I do?  She also lived with us for 2 months when she hit rock bottom... believe me, I know the frustrations of this! 

PiperS

wading--- thank you. you totally got the situation and i think you may be even better at explaining it than i am! this post got so long that i think some people just read a couple things and started spouting out their opinions, so thanks for clarifying!

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt

Maybe I just operate differently then. When I've been in relationships with that level of commitment, I don't even let myself get into situations where I could develop feelings. But maybe that's just me, you know? Maybe it takes me more to develop feelings for someone, so that I can have a friendship with them or whatever. I've never developed feelings for someone at work because I, like you, have a strict no dating at work policy. It complicates things. And if things got out of control with my feelings, then yes, I probably would quit and then pursue a relationship. I don't think OP or her FI (or anyone else in this situation) is a bad person. It's not about that. And for me, it takes an awful lot to actually believe someone is a "bad person."  But I would guess that even OP would agree with me that this isn't an ideal situation to get involved in. And that's what my original point was, and I've tried to convey that throughout the post - it's just not ideal, and it's not something I would flaunt as part of my happy memory of how we met. Know what I mean?  

J&K10910

Well, this has been fascinating.  I now know exactly who is going to judge me when I'm done posting this.FI was with someone else when we met.  In fact, he was in a long distance relationship with her, and if he hadn't been dating her, and coming to her (and my) town to see her, we may never have met.  We struck up a friendship, chatting online mostly.  We were in the same fantasy football league.  He talked to me more and more and we both realized there were feelings there.  But neither of us said anything to each other about it.  Then one day, he called me.  He told me he had broken up with his ex and wanted to take me out on a date.  Apparently, we're bad people.  But everything worked out for the best for us.  And no, I'm not worried he'll do the same to me, because I'm not a drug addicted, verbally abusive, manipulative, not right for him woman.  And yes, I did know her personally before I met him.  And yes, I felt the same way about her then.Judge away folks.

wadingmoose

Yep.  I getcha.There was just a whole lotta mis-information provided by the people attacking her that it became a little nauseating.  She did nothing wrong.  Her FI isn't a cheater-cheater pants.And her thread about her FFIL really didn't deserve what it got, but it got that because a few people decided they don't like her and that means to attack everything that person posts.

SarahSmile23

yes, piper, this thread should have ended once you explained that you did not intend to brag about breaking your your fi and his ex and that they broke up before anything happened with you and him. but congrats for surviving this!