Wedding Etiquette Forum

FFIL is driving me crazy!!!!!

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Re: FFIL is driving me crazy!!!!!

  • even wtih teh whole story, i still think you are horrible for kissing a guy when you were dating someone else, regardless of whehter he was cheating on you.Thanks for proving my point, Calypso. What if I add more to the story? Ex and I were in an "open relationship", which he insisted on even though I didn't want it, probably to justify the fact that he was also secretly seeing the girl at home even though he told me he wasn't. Often, when I would call him and ask if I could stop by his dorm room, he would start bugging me about FI, and telling me he thought I had a crush on FI, and saying that since we were in an "open relationship", that I could go hook up with FI anytime I wanted. Then one day I did. Oh andplusalso, I was SEVENTEEN.See what happens when you start calling people horrible and judging them when you don't know the whole story?
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  • Wading, it's different when you have feelings and get over them. OP clearly didn't get over her feelings.Define "get over."  Did I make a move on them?  Nope.  Did they make a move on me?  Nope.  Was I still attracted to them?  Hell yeah.  Would I have acted on that while still married?  Hell no.If I'd run into any of them after my divorce, would I have been open to a relationship?  Yup. The high horses around here are often quite astounding.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • if you refuse to think that Piper's telling the truth because the other girl must have been as devestated/upset/pissed off as you were when it happened to you, that's projecting a bit too much.I am "projecting" how I felt, and what I did when I was the other women in pretty much the same situation.  I met ex-FI at work, we became friends, went out after work for drinks, fell for him.  He was married at the time, but we never had any physical contact until after he left is wife.  At the time, I justified it as "not cheating because we didn't have any physical contact" and that it was ok because "I was his true love..."Sounds quite familiar.  
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  • mrs vogt-- please explain to me how you have such perfect control over your feelings?? i didn't purposely fall in love with him and i didn't pursue him. i worked with him. i guess i should have quit my job so that he could stay in a miserable relationship and i could have kept looking for someone who is as perfect for me as he is!
  • Tide, you are aware that most people leaving a marriage seek out someone like that, right?  It's typically when they get the attention they aren't getting in their marriage that they feel they're worthy of it and they leave the spouse.  That relationship is usually very fleeting.It's also quite different when you're talking a marriage vs a dating relationship. 

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • Julz, why did you date him then?  You do realize that by attraction, I don't necessarily mean a physical attraction, right?I'm sorry, I can't fathom dating someone I have zero attraction to.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • i dont think age is an excuse for doing something wrong.  in my book, cheating is wrong.  it doesnt matter if you are 14, 17 or 50.  just like if a kid steals a car at 16 to go joyriding.  its still stealing, and its still wrong, and the kid surely knows its wrong, the fact that he is only 16 doesnt make it ok or excusable.  
  •  i should have quit my job so that he could stay in a miserable relationshipSo, you stayed and remained friends with him, hoping that he would leave?  You were obviously his white knight.  Before, you said you didn't know what his relationship was like, and that the two of you weren't "that close" prior to the dissolution of the relationship.
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  • Oh my.

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  • Piper, I totally see your side in this, and I don't think it makes you a horrible person, but I do see what they are saying about it being disrespectful. We don't know the whole story, but the way it was presented makes it sound like you were flirting and hanging out with him (even if it was in groups) knowing you were in love with him when he had a girlfriend. If you really didn't want to mess up his relationship, you could have not flirted and stayed away from him. Obviously not completely, since you worked together, but more than it sounds like you did.That being said, none of that means her FI will do that to her, and none of that makes either of them a bad person. Yes he could do it again, but so could everyones FI's. Maybe he learned from this situation, and if they start having problems will work on it more before it gets that mad. We can't really know that. They did something wrong, it seems to have worked out for the best, why is this such a big deal?
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  • Wading - I think we're talking about two different things (I think). By getting over, I mean actively not having feelings...not a little crush or thinking someone is attractive, but hoping for something more. Of course there are people I've known in my life that I've thought - hmm, if he's single it might be worth a shot. But once I find out they're not - if I can't get past that and respect their relationship, then no, I won't be friends with them. If later on down the road we both happen to be single, all bets are off. Or, if later on, I realize that I really don't have those feelings for that person, then I can persue a friendship. I have friends I think are attractive. I do not, however, have feelings for them. And Piper - I didn't say I have perfect control over my FEELINGS. What I do have control over is my actions. If I feel like things are getting inappropriate or out of hand, I will remove myself from a situation. You chose to continue to persue a friendship with him - that's an action. It's not a feeling. And like I've said 3 times now, I think you shouldn't have persued a friendship with someone you were "in love" with. I think that's very disrespectful. And for the record, wading, I didn't see the post about someone texting the person's husband while they were on vacation, but I would have addressed that with my husband - he can't control her behavior, but he can control his. Was he txting this random person back while on vacation? That's the bigger issue for me - that her husband would rather txt another woman than spend his vaca with his wife.
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  • People make mistakes Calypso.  If you're incapable of getting past mistakes made several years ago, that's a problem.  The only problem with mistakes is when people continue to repeat the bad behaviour.  If they learn from it, perhaps it's time to stop judging?Or, you know, commence to hating me because I've made my share of mistakes.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • Tide, you are aware that most people leaving a marriage seek out someone like that, right? It's typically when they get the attention they aren't getting in their marriage that they feel they're worthy of it and they leave the spouse. That relationship is usually very fleeting.It's also quite different when you're talking a marriage vs a dating relationship.This.  Getting married is making a vow that you're going to be with them through better or worse, for the rest of your lives, etc etc.  Dating is saying that you like hanging out with them, and they make your vag tingly.  I'm not saying there's no commitment, but the level of commitment is vastly different.  People date around all the time.  People don't marry around all the time. 
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  • So, you stayed and remained friends with him, hoping that he would leave? You were obviously his white knight. Before, you said you didn't know what his relationship was like, and that the two of you weren't "that close" prior to the dissolution of the relationship.I'd say that this thread brings us to new lows when twisting words, but... well, I was called a nazi last week.However, you all are reaching.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • i didn't know what his relationship was like. he really didn't talk to me about it that much. i was being sarcastic when i said i should have quit my job. i never considered that and i didn't even know that he had feelings for me until he told me and then broke up with her. calypso--- everyone makes mistakes when they are 17, thats when you are learning how to be an adult and be in a relationship.
  • People don't marry around all the time. Some people do.  Just sayin'

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  • Piper! SHUT UP and quit defending yourself. You're just digging the hole deeper and deeper. If you shut up, everyone else will.
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  • i dont think age is an excuse for doing something wrong. in my book, cheating is wrong. it doesnt matter if you are 14, 17 or 50. just like if a kid steals a car at 16 to go joyriding. its still stealing, and its still wrong, and the kid surely knows its wrong, the fact that he is only 16 doesnt make it ok or excusable.Did you really just compare breaking up with your girlfriend to date someone else with grand theft auto?  Really?  Please God tell me you aren't involved in the criminal justice system.
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  • Julz, why did you date him then? You do realize that by attraction, I don't necessarily mean a physical attraction, right?I'm sorry, I can't fathom dating someone I have zero attraction to.Moose, I meant I wasn't physically attracted to him.  I thought he was a great guy, super funny and a fabulous friend so that's why I started dating him.  I never thought it would work out b/c I wasn't physically attracted to him before we started dating. 
  • So, you stayed and remained friends with him, hoping that he would leave? You were obviously his white knight. Before, you said you didn't know what his relationship was like, and that the two of you weren't "that close" prior to the dissolution of the relationship.Maybe he told her about it after they broke up.  People do that, you know.
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  • You are absolutely right that there is a difference between dating and marriage. Marriage is a commitment for life. Dating, you're sort of trying things out. I'm not saying her FI should have stayed with this person forever just out of respect. What I'm saying is that if he wanted to persue something else, he should have just ended it. Clean breaks are best for everyone involved.
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  • wading, absolutely people make mistakes, i'm not saying that.  but the vibe i get is that some people are trying to dismiss wrong doing or those mistakes based on age, as if being young is a blanket excuse to do what you want without consequence.i agree with some pp's who say that anyone's FI or H could cheat.  but i do think that the likelihood is HIGHER of someone cheating if they have cheated in the past.
  • i dont think age is an excuse for doing something wrong. in my book, cheating is wrong. it doesnt matter if you are 14, 17 or 50. just like if a kid steals a car at 16 to go joyriding. its still stealing, and its still wrong, and the kid surely knows its wrong, the fact that he is only 16 doesnt make it ok or excusable.Wow, did you read anything I said other than the last line?I don't feel bad for what happened back then. That guy was/is a liar and an emotionally abusive cheater who took advantage of the youth and naivete of both me and the other girl in that situation. For the six months I dated him, he essentially tortured me emotionally, and made a fool out of me in that all of his guy friends who were also my friends knew exactly what was going on and knew he was lying to both of us. He tried to convince me that I was mentally ill and that I needed him for stability, and also tried to convince me that I was bisexual (????). There is a lot more to fidelity that just sexual abstinence, and he destroyed any of mine long before I did anything.
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  • See, I did a lot of stupid things when I was 17.  And 18.  And 19.  And so on.  But the thing is, I learned from each and every one of those stupid things and subsequently matured.  They made me into the person I am today.  It doesn't make anything I did "not wrong," but in the same vein, I don't feel my current self should be judged by mistakes the young, dumb, immature me made years ago.

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  • Piper! SHUT UP and quit defending yourself. You're just digging the hole deeper and deeper. If you shut up, everyone else will. Pfft, speak for yourself.  I haven't shut up for 27 years.  I'm not planning on starting now.
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  • The only similarity in this with my life is that my FMIL still blames her divorce 20 years ago on where she's at in life.  Her choices in life have absolutely nothing to do with where she's at in life???  Yeah, whatever.  My mom- the same way but she doesn't blame it on the divorce, it's a totally different thing.I think you reach a certain point where you need to take charge of your life after something.  You can't blame your place in life on this event.  I know it's hard but enough is enough.  Take charge of your own life! 
  • Tide, you are aware that most people leaving a marriage seek out someone like that, right? It's typically when they get the attention they aren't getting in their marriage that they feel they're worthy of it and they leave the spouse. That relationship is usually very fleeting.It's also quite different when you're talking a marriage vs a dating relationship. I agree with you  (In my case the relationship lasted 4 years until I called off the engagement).  The ironic thing is that I called off the engagement because I noticed I was finding myself attracted to other people in a way that I shouldn't be - no one in particular, and I didn't persue a relationship with one of them, but I knew enough to know that the relationship was lacking something since I was attracted to other people. But I don't think there is a difference there between a marriage and a dating relationship.  Anyone who is unhappy in their relationship, married or not, is going to seek out or be attracted to other people.  In this case, it sounds like what happened to OP's FI.  I never said she was the cause of the relationship ending, and agree that his relationship with g/f was probably on it's way out (at least in his mind) but based on what I experienced, it's silly for her to pretend that she was an innocent party in everything that happened. 
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  • pumpkin-- don't tell me to shut up. if yuo don't like it then stop reading it!
  • i agree with some pp's who say that anyone's FI or H could cheat. but i do think that the likelihood is HIGHER of someone cheating if they have cheated in the past. I don't think it has anything to do with the fact they cheated, it has to do with why they cheated, how the acted afterwards, and what kind of person they are.  If they're a giant dingleberry, they're going to continue cheating because they suck.If they were in a bad place in their marriage, got wasted, had a one night stand, feel horribly remorseful, confess to their wife and go to couples counciling to make their marriage stronger, I doubt they'd cheat again. That's just my opinion though.
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  • Calypso-you are right that it's wrong, but society has decided that the punishment for a 16 year old is different than that of a 25 year old.I think that we can forgive that 17 year old for kissing that other boy.
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