RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle

Kdsmit06

I am having the same problem for our wedding in August, except my FMIL has made hte problem so much worse. I told her I was not inviting children to my wedding, and then she went on ahead and told her side of the family that they could bring the children (she was addressing the envelopes since my handwriting looks like ransom notes, and I think she might have also added the children to the inner envelope). This has added 35 more people then we originally planned, and my finace wont stand up to his mother. I dont know what to do about the other familes and friends who got the message that we werent having children. They are going to be upset when they see all these other children at the wedding, I dont know if i should just go ahead and let everyone bring children. Our venue is big enough but it is just the cost. Every time i try to bring up not having any children at the wedding the FMIL get upset and guilt trips me about so in so b eing in a wheelchair or cant have a babysitter because of a peanut allergy etc. The best part is that she get mad that i may have to add 2 people to the rehearsal dinner list (which is only at 40). Ahhhh i want to scream. Then some of my fiance frat bros RSVPed that they were bringing dates. I didnt invite them plus guest because they werent dating anyone, when i emailed one of these guys asking him who his date was so i could put her name on a name card he responded he didnt know yet, that he was playing the field and asked if he could get back to me with who he chose to ask a few weeks before the wedding. How are people so rude. Advice?

hungrysubmissivepuppy

I had my boyfriend's father and girlfriend want to take my bf's son to the girlfriend's neice's wedding that was the very next day!  She thought it would be ok just to have him come, without even telling her neice!  I was lucky I heard my bf talking to her about this, I stepped right in and said you are not gonna do that to your neice... that is an extra mouth to feed, allbeit a small one, and they might not even have any space for him.  Luckily, she saw my point of view and did not take him.

But ym advice to you would be the same as above, but I would tell the person outright that you do nto have room at this time, but to also not get their hopes up if someone OOT does not send a regret back.  That way you can say you at least tried to accomodate them, but ultimately the numbers have to stay as they are.

Good luck!

nyxiegurl

Ladies, I have to say, you've given some great advice on here.  I was the one who said I'm a push-over and it's too bad I didn't have the information you've given on here earlier.  While I should have mentioned that children are going to be allowed at our Reception, I liked the idea of putting ____ Adults Attending or ____ Not Attending.... Really good idea!!!  And, there's no need to call others "Snarky Brides".  I thought the woman who said she wanted to elope and have a BBQ was really good, so thanks for what you wrote!  Don't let this message board put you off, I am sure you'll have a lovely, fun Wedding.  I also see mine as being pretty much a big Family Reunion.  I think that some Brides just take Wedding etiquette as gospel and get a bit uneasy if everything doesn't go exactly as planned. Please remember, we're all human and not all of your guests know proper etiquette.  It's 2010, not 1960... Unfortunately good etiquette has gone down the drain.
I don't think it's necessary to say people are rude, or call other Brides on the message board "rude" -- we are all in the same boat, so we shouldn't get catty at each other.   The message board is for advice (and people are free to say what they want, even if they're frustrated & want to add explicit remarks *$@!#!!)

Some people (guests who invite 'extra' people) just don't know better, or care about your budget.  Seriously, ignorance is bliss... I am lucky I guess because I've noticed some Brides saying a plate is $70 when ours are under $20 each (hey, it's a small city in Canada!) and kids are half that price ... LOL!  So, I guess that's why I'm a bit lax about who comes or not.  My cousin is bringing someone I don't know as her date (she's apparently her new BFF), so I'm sure that will be super awkward.  But it's our Wedding day so I'm trying not to let the little things bring me down.  I'm marrying the man of my dreams and we're going to have the time of our lives and that's what you should be focusing on!! 

FYI: to the Brides who haven't sent out their invites yet, get ready because you will encounter this issue (unless you do what some of the ladies on here have suggested) and some people just don't even send the RSVP's back.  Our 90 y.o. nana replied before some others, so that shows you how "thoughtful" some guests are.  Just want to wish you all Good Luck for your Wedding Days!

mcconkey85

I am having a destination wedding in the caribbean for family and very close friends, then a larger reception back home.  I'm having the issue of people inviting themselves to the destination wedding!  They're from my fiance's side and don't seem to understand any wedding etiquette.  I even had one person ask a girl I never met (in front of me) if she was going.  When she looked confused she turned to me and said, "well you invited her right?!"  How rude can someone be?  I just told my fiance to handle everyone on his side.  Otherwise, I've decided to give up "unneccessary guilt" and not feel bad saying "NO!" (haha)

moonletters

Even if someone is single and they are worried about not knowing anyone it is still rude to invite your own guest. If you know the bride and groom you probably know at least one other guest. It is also the bride and groom's responsibility (or the MOH or a mother or whomever you put in charge) to make sure the guests are comfortable, socializing and having a good time.

A wedding is about celebrating two people coming together, surrounded by poeple they love and who will wish them well (or who they had to invite to keep the peace . It is not about inviting strangers to a party to that your guest can get it on later or whatever.

Most people understand this, obviously, which is why it is always Aunt something or other, or the dramatic friend, etc. Why on earth should the people who are putting on this party and doing everything else they can be forced to be the bad guy because someone isn't sated with free food and dancing and partyness?

flyykiya

my wedding is in 6 days and up until now even after i have finalized my seating chart people who were invited are still adding additionals to their rsvp. i thought by writing everyone's name down on the rsvp so it can specifically who's invited would help but it seems alot off people disregarded that. now i have stated politely that we cannot accomodate any additional guests but those invited so now a few invited guest dont want to come since the additonal they wanted to bring cant come. i dont think any of these people will ever understand what us brides to be go through dealing with situations like this until they are the ones dealing with it. ive even had a friend who was invited alone since we didnt have room for every single person to bring a guest just call me 2 days ago to say oh i forgot to tell you or put it on the rsvp but im bringing someone with me to your wedding, didnt ask if it was ok or anything just stated she will be bringing this person and after i let her know we are at capacity and seating is full she states well i guess i wont be coming then maybe i will and maybe i wont so you know what i have already crossed her off the list because you will not stress me out over this there willbe plenty of other single people there that havent made a fuss over bringing a guest with them

shane.eaton

This has been helpful to read, because like everyone else, I am dealing with this too.  The most recent was last night - a cousin of my fiance' who we invited with his girlfried added his two children (one with her, one with someone else), even though the invite was specific.  We are having a few children the wedding - my niece in nephew, who are in the wedding party, and a toddler and baby of a bridesmaid coming from the Mid-west.  This cousin is local, my fiance' has no relationship with him other than the fact that they are related.  I don't want to hurt their feelings, but we really don't want many children there and they seem to live close enough that a babysitter would be an option.  The ceremony and the reception are in the evening, and I hoped that this along with the invite would be strong indicators of this....ugh.

KH57083

I am so glad it's not just me dealing with all of the rude responses, its good to know it happens all around.  One of the few rude responses is that my fiances aunt replied back for 5 people (it's a seated dinner so we requested initals next to food choice) w/ no initials.  Well 7 people were invited on her invite so who were the 5 she was replying for?  Ends up being she replied for 4 out of the 7 and then said and the chicken is for her husband that may or may not come but just in case he decides to!!!   Ummm yea that is not okay, you are either coming or not coming, why else would we need you to RSVP?  So then we asked about the other two people and which is her son and guest and she said well did he not send his repsonse back yet...... NO why would he it was on your invite.  But then again I have a mother in law that could not careless about anything to do with our wedding!!   There are days I wish we eloped!

kropee10

Because we're not having children at our wedding (for ANY wedding guest, including family due to size limitations), I had heard recommendations to do '____ of 2' for guest to know only 2 guests are invited. From reading the other posts though, I get nervous it will become '5 of 2' and then an akward phone call will follow. Since the wedding is 15 months away, I am hoping word of mouth will spread and limit the number of phone calls I will have to make.

ejpaz

I definitely agree with your comments! I did exactly the same thing with telling single guests that i would get back to them about bringing another person and one of them flipped out on me! At the time i sent the invite she didn't have a bf; then we spoke on the phone recently and she told me that now she has a bf so I told her o well i will definitely let you know in about a week when i go through the rsvps if you can bring him.  I even said i'm sure it won't be a problem.  Then she calls me and says she is not coming bc she was offended that I didn't automatically invite him and that she didn't need to even ask if he could come that it should have been assumed.  I tried explaining that i didn't mean to b offensive and that it is due to space and finances but she just said that I was using that as an invalid excuse.  I was really upset bc i have been friends with this person for years, but I honestly don't need people who r that selfish and can't understand that i'm on a budget! Some people r so rude when it comes to weddings and you just can't let them get under your skin!  Thats my 2 cents

knichols13

What great advice you all have! What we are doing for those we want to help celebrate, but we don't have room for at the ceremony and during dinner, we are inviting them via informal invitations (facebook or email) saying please join us for dancing and socializing. We can't invite everyone to our ceremony but we would love to have you at the party and celebrate with us. That way you don't have to worry about feeding more people than necessary. What do you think of this idea?

ladt bugg

Well I had that happen too me when some of my guest put 3 extra people and I paid for them and none of them showed up @ 45.00 a person so stand your grounds .

nyxiegurl

I think it is very mean and thoughtless for someone to RSVP they're coming and they don't show up AT ALL... OMG!!!  I am still waiting on about 30 replies, so I hope I get those and hopefully not too many people change their mind at the last minute -- it's so stressful, how do you deal with it all and be a super-smiley Bride?? LOL!

hip2ba2x2

I am totally with you
I invited a woman and her niece from our church to our wedding and they RSVP'd for 6 people....6 PEOPLE!!!!!
I dont know how one got the impression that Jane Smith and Judy meant please bring your eniter family whom I do not know at all.

I'm not quite sure how to hanlde this ....

jkrodenbarger

What one of my friends did for her wedding was to say on the rsvp card that 2 seats have been reserved for you. That way it is clear that the person on the invitation may only bring one guest with them if they bring one at all.

nyxiegurl

To Hip2ba2X2 (Pittsburgh) -- about the lady you invited from your church, are you going to see her before your wedding at Church at all?  And, it's also important to consider how important she is to you, if she's a super special person in your eyes then it might be tricky, but if she's just an acquaintance, then I think the best way to approach this situation is to politely let her know that you had unfortunately only planned for her and one more guest to come.  Tell her you're sorry you can't have all of her guests attend, but that if she wants to still bring her niece along, she's most welcome.  But, honestly, that's being SUPER nice considering she's tacking on a heap of people you don't know from a hole in the ground!!! 

Same thing happened to me when I reconnected with some extended family on Facebook.  My cousin who I haven't spoken to in years (like I mean, 20 yrs) tried to do that to me by writing me an email saying her and her kids and husband, her sister and brother and their partners ALL wanted to come to my Wedding (because it's gonna be like a family reunion) -- seriously, even if I had a million dollars to spend on my Wedding I wouldn't invite them because I hardly know them!! It's our Wedding, so I think to a certain extent you should only have the people you really want there with you. 

I know it can be hard (and embarrassing), perhaps if your Mom or MOH is closer to this Church friend, they can speak with her and subtly imply that there are only 2 spaces held aside for them.  If she doesn't like that, well is she really worth the stress?? I still haven't heard back from my cousin after I sent her an email asking if she wants to just bring her hubby to the wedding, so fingers crossed it won't be a big melodramatic scene!!  Be honest because honesty is best and GOOD LUCK! 

brookelynpaisley

Are you seriously telling me that nearly 4 full pages of brand-spanking newbies chose THIS post to respond to? Who are you people?

mica178

I really love you Brooke!

MBayarski

I am already having this problem and it's for the engagement party not even the wedding yet.  I can only imagine how awkward it must feel to be the bride and groom and not know your own guests.  In all the momentum of the outrageous weddings we have, i think we forget that the wedding is about the bride and groom and the unity they are creating.  It's suppose to be one of the most special times in your life that you would want to celebrate with friends and loved ones, NOT STRANGERS!

pheonixrising

I have finally begun to accept that my wedding is going to be huge.  It will also be most;y my fiance's family. My portion tops out at 60. His is 400 including extras. I am praying that most wont show, but my guess is free food equals more coming. The only thing I can think of is a buffet-style dinner. My head is spinning, I DONT WANT this many people at my wedding especially when I don't even know half of them.

pascolicious

I have a guest list of roughly 200 people.  We are not getting married for another year and the thought of this is already going to turn me into a bridezilla LOL

My opinion? You shouldn't feel bad calling people and letting them know you don't have the budget for ELEVEN extra people or however many extra guests.  

Tell them you are happy they would like to celebrate the day with you, however, you have many other people who are there to celebrate with you as well and you cannot accommodate all of their extra guests as well.  And then tell them how many guests they are allowed, if any.  That's what I'd do!  Good luck!

deslindb

I am so relieved to see I'm not the only bride facing this annoying problem. I sent response cards that said "x seats have bee reserved in your honor" and believe it or not one of the guests that had 1 seat reserved on the card crossed out the 1 replaced it with 2 and added plus guest to the name line. I was soooo mad. It would've made a world of difference if she had called me and asked if she could bring a guest instead of just assuming that she could.

chiwawa

I have a confession to make: I brought an uninvited guest to my cousin's wedding a few years ago.  It's a long story, but suffice ti to say that due to the family politics of the time, I didn't feel that I could opt out of attending, but I knew it was going to be a VERY stressful event for me.  I wanted to have someone there to support me who knew what I was going through, so I brought my best friend.  I don't remember if I added her to the RSVP card or if we just showed up together.  I didn't know anything about weddings and it honestly NEVER even occurred to me that it would be a problem to bring my friend.  I don't know if my cousin or his bride even noticed she was there, there were so many people.  Now that I'm planning my own wedding, I understand that I shouldn't have done this.  However, having been in that position, I can understand if one or two people want to bring someone with them.  As long as our head count allows it, I'm ok with it.  I just hope they tell me about it first on the RSVP cards! 

MVanTilburg

I just got engaged about a month and half ago and friends on my facebook are now finding out about it.  Until recently, I had friends from grade school and high school that i really don't talk to.  We are just numbers on each others friends list.  So i had this one girl pop up and start asking me questions about the wedding.  She was a friend from grade school, and she would ask the most inapproperiate questions.  Well this last time when asking me about the wedding, she says "well I hope Im invited to the wedding missy."  i just told her, "im sorry, but the wedding is going to be really small. close friends and family only."  she replies with "i'm not a close enough friend?"  all i could think was, well i haven't talked to you in 10 some years.

defstar82

okay really, why does it matter if the people who reply to this are new or not? just because some people don't live and breathe this message board doesn't mean they don't have something important to add to it.

and its most likely because this post was linked in the email newsletter.

ampoppe

It is rude to invite your own extras!   but I always hated when I was single/dating people would just assume I wouldn't have a date and wouldn't put "& guest"...then when I'm seeing someone he's not invited?  I think its rude not to put "& guest"!! but after that (+1) they don't need to bring anyone else!! 

defstar82

@ampoppe

to be honest, its rude to expect that your "significant of the month" is going to get invited. its not that they're assuming you don't have a date, its that maybe they can't afford to invite you and the person you may or may not be dating at that particular time, but still want you there. maybe their budget is too small for anyone besides husbands/wives or extremely long term bf/gf, or the venue capacity isn't large enough. you should be honored to get an invite regardless.

ampoppe

I think it sucks to be alone at a wedding and to single my friends out who are not married and tell them they can't have someone with them kinda sucks...i rather give something else up at my wedding...plus my "significant of the month" turned into my fiance shortly after....

jnbonessa

We were told after creating a preliminary guest list (of approximately 200 people) that we were only going to be able to invite 120 (that's 60 people per side).  We got together with my parents and my soon to be in-laws and cut the list down to a number that also took into account the % of people that would not come.  After the agonizing task of cutting people that we so badly would like to come, but couldn't afford the space, the world was a peace again.  Soon after, my fiance's aunt texed him to remind him that she is a party of 7 not 3.  She has been engaged on and off with her boyfriend and he wants to bring his 3 kids.  I wouldn't mind her boyfriend/fiance joining us, but I think it is a little unrealistic to have his three kids come as well.  Especially since we are already having such a difficult time keeping our guest list down to a manageable amount. 

dardar0609

I am going through the same thing right now.  I have had to call the people to explain the situation.  So far they have been understanding.  I hated to do it, but unfortunately my hall could not accommodate more peo<a href="http://www.theknot.com/?