RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle

awolfe2

That is completely understandable, but making the assumption that you can add 2, 6, or 10 people to your RVSP is completely rude. And if a guest REALLY feels like they're going to be uncomfortable at an event they should call and ask if it's okay to bring a +1 before they assume it's okay by just tacking it on to the RVSP card.

camelcrazy

My daugher's wedding is July 21, and her uncle (my husband's brother) did the same thing!  The invite was addressed to him and his current wife.  He responded with 7!!!  He included his 2 children from his first marriage, his daughter's SO, and his current wife's adult son from her 1st marriage (this is marriage #5 for her).  I had already sent invitations to my niece and her SO and to my nephew, and they had responded.  So I emailed my BIL about it. 

First I thanked him for his prompt response, and then mentioned that I had already invited Niece, SOL, and nephew.  But I had not included the adult stepson since we were already at capacity.  If they felt that there was a reason that he could not stay at home to please let me know and I would see what I could do.  I thought that was enough of a hint, but it wasn't!

BIL emailed back to say that yes, we should include adult stepson as they had wished and planned for.  Needless to say, I can't write here what I said outloud - LOL.  I think it is and was rude beyond belief, but since we will have room (several people are not able to come), I didn't think it was worth causing a major family uproar.  My husband is emabaressed by his brother's behavior.  I guess I could seat them at a really lousy table - LOL

lindi927

I have two friends that are girls that are not dating some one that wanted to bring another girl as a date. I don't get this. They are going to know other people at the wedding why bring a "wing man/woman" I asked them if they would like to pay for theire dates plate and they can bring who ever they like. It might have been rude of me to ask, but I think it is verey rude to ask to bring a same sex date when I'm paying for them to eat.

KoalaLuv

I take that into consideration. With my family, generally I don't add a +1, because they all know each other. And if there's a big group of my friends who all know each other, same thing. But if there's a friend or two who are on the outs, so to speak, I give them a +1. I'm not that heartless...

But I would be a little peeved if that +1 ended up being +2, +3, etc.!

estherjacob

yes!  every couple has to deal with this, i think.  good thing i don't have trouble telling people, and i hope that if they were offended in any way they would be honest.  open and honest communication is the way to go.

BUT... if you have a hard time calling, you can have your maid of honor or someone in the bridal party call so that it's not a matter of you hurting their feelings.. but the fact of the matter is there is a limit of how many people you can invite.

FutureFowler731

We had the exact same thing happen! The invite was addressed to the parents and they RSVP'd with their three teenage children - we are also are at our limit for guests. So, we sent the teenage kids a dance only invite! Ha! Just remember it is your day and it only matters what YOU want!

teresabrad

I've actually had quite a few guests RSVP for more than what was written on the envelope. Mostly, they've been guys... (FI's firefirghter buddies whose "dates" will probably be the random girl they met at a club the weekend prior). Our rule has been married, engaged, or long-term relationship for us to say ok to them bringing a date. We've been able to be very open with our guests and all have been very understanding about our capacity and budget limitations. We just use those 2 reasons when telling them they can't bring any extras.
Also, my FI sees it as those who love and care about us are the ones who want to be there. They should want us to enjoy our day, not be stressed about it. So, if they want to make it about themselves, they're not worth our time and energy. So if we make them angry, so what? It was hard for me to see it this way, wanting to appease everyone, but he's slowly convincing me this is true.
Anyway, just be open and honest (but tactful) with your guests. You'll be surprised at how understanding most of them are!

quinnspigeon

We had someone write her name and the names of her three best friends on the RSVP card because she thought they should have been invited, as well. My fiance called her, but I was seriously upset about it. He told her it just wasn't in our budget and space to add three extra people. She said she "understood." I guess she doesn't "understand" wedding etiquette...?!

eponine162

RSVP-ing with extra, uninvited guests, kids, grandkids, etc is OF COURSE tacky.  However, please consider that your single friends might feel incredibly awkward sitting by themselves if they don't know anyone and aren't allowed to bring a date, or if they're the only single person in a room full of couples.  I personally think it's a little tacky to invite a single friend and not offer the option of bringing a date.  Yes, it's *your* day, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't consider the comfort your guests.  Everyone will have more fun if you don't have any lonely, awkward, uncomfortable and possibly bored guests!

jeepdudesgirl

This is a time that I am glad I am getting married at a place that requires tickets for entrance. I love love love it, because then only the ones that are invited get to come.

defstar82

when one of my best friends got married, she invited the wedding coordinator at our church, since she felt it was rude not to invite her to the reception when she was going to be there and we've known her for years (personally, i wouldn't have but my friend is overly nice). The coordinator then asked if she could bring TWO people: her mother, and her daughter! my friend actually agreed to let her bring ONE person. she told her directly, "i'm sorry, but we can't let you bring that many people. you can bring one guest though". at that point i would've gone a little bridezilla myself.

then at the reception, she sees the coordinator sitting at a table- with her mother, daughter, and her daughter's boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!

ladyamanuet

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvpd-additional-guests-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f7f7fdb-6b62-4dd5-8c99-ef40b5d96599Post:8a24ac4b-680d-46bc-86fc-d7c5d5e590f8">Re: RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you ever considered how incredibly awkward it is to be at a wedding where you dont know many people? Or when you are the only single? People want to celebrate this happy occasion with you and since they are people you love, maybe you let them bring someone to keep them company.
Posted by atemplin5[/QUOTE]

It's one thing when you are a single.. but when you and your SO were invited and you RSVP with 4 more people, that is rude.

Also, most of the time I've been invited as a single with no plus one, I was put at a table with all the other singles, and I knew most if not all of them.  The only time i was invited to a wedding of someone I didn't know that well, they invited me with a guest.

And a couple's love for someone doesn't magically make the venue or budget bigger to acoomodate their uninvited guest

lisaburnley

I just sent out my invitations Wednesday so I am curious to see what kind of replys I get...

jessikaboom

We just sent our invites out last week. We recieved one like this so far, and hopefully it's the only one because it is so awkward to figure out how to tell the person. Even worse- it is the best man's mom who responded to her "Mom's name & Guest" with 3 people attending. What I don't understand is I talked to her about it a month ago and she told me that she was bringing her (older) daughter as her +1, fine, great, but I do not know where the other extra came from and am embarassed to ask because I do not know this woman that well, plus she seems to be on the overly-dramatic side so if we ask I'm scared it will be turned into a huge issue. I believe we will be going through the best man to tell him what happened and ask who this extra person is she is planning on bringing to see if it would be appropriate to tell her that she may only bring one guest. I don't understand why people do this , I find it incredibly awkward, rude, and embarassing for all parties involved.

Note to those who have not sent out invites yet, I saw this on my friend's invite and SO wish we took the time to do it, but at that time we though ohhh who would respond with more than invited. On your response card where it says "# of guests attending ______" on the line write __/2 or __/3 etc, corresponding with the number of people ACTUALLY invited on the envelope to point out to people that is the number of people invited.

KMA627

A similar request was made to my fiance through email: a friend asked if she could bring her parents! Many of her friends are also invited, and she is not in a serious romantic relationship, so we did not specify "and Guest" on the invitation. At first it struck me as rude for her to assume she could just invite 2 more guests, then I thought maybe her parents will be visiting from out of town and she doesn't want to be rude to them while still attending our wedding?  That one caught me off guard, though I plan to call/email this week and explain our desire for a more intimate ceremony and reception with just close friends and family.

nneighbo

I'm loving this board. For some reason I though I would be immune. My cousin is my officiant and I invited his wife, both as guests. They decided to invite their 3 kids and RSVP that a five year old would be eating an adult meal of filet of beef.  Don't think so. Kids meal it is for $65 less. I did let him know this so there would be no misunderstanding at the wedding. I too was okay b/c some OOT guest were not able to make it, but it shows a complete lack of manners. Just to add, I am paying him to conduct the service and there will be no other kids at the wedding.

JRL220

OMG!  This just happened to me also!  A family member added their 12 year old son to the RSVP and circled a big 3!  The envelope was clearly addressed to just my cousin and his wife.  It is so rude especially since now my father wants me to make the exception for the them (the only children invited are in the wedding party).  I say stand your ground and tell them either that you are at capacityor that you would love to have more guests but have already cut some of your own friends off the list and therefore, cannot add anymore.  If they don't like it, to bad for them!  Good luck!!!! 

JLK

erinnicole87

I'm shocked that people would do that in the first place! It's not their party to begin with - why in the world would they bring two guests?

jsart27

Hope it all turned out ok! I am sending out my invitations tomorrow (wedding is August 21) and I already have faced this issue HEAD on with some friends. I was very honest from the get go and people knew where I stood! When did it become ok to just invite others to a party you are not paying for?
When I got engeged (January of this year) some of my friends started talking about who they were gong to take...they are all single and I have no other friends in common with them (ODD) that they would think this was ok...
We are having a small wedding and would rather have more family or more of OUR friends there than some random dude a friend met at a bar! Call me BRIDEZILLA but I dare one of my friends to add a guest to the RSVP card... hahahaha -
p.s. Im really not nuts

klablanc18

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvpd-additional-guests-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f7f7fdb-6b62-4dd5-8c99-ef40b5d96599Post:596c7bf7-a4f7-4aec-96f4-426dc1ac4498">Re: RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle</a>:
[QUOTE]RSVP-ing with extra, uninvited guests, kids, grandkids, etc is OF COURSE tacky.  However, please consider that your single friends might feel incredibly awkward sitting by themselves if they don't know anyone and aren't allowed to bring a date, or if they're the only single person in a room full of couples.  I personally think it's a little tacky to invite a single friend and not offer the option of bringing a date.  Yes, it's *your* day, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't consider the comfort your guests.  Everyone will have more fun if you don't have any lonely, awkward, uncomfortable and possibly bored guests!
Posted by eponine162[/QUOTE]

If I invite a single friend, it is only because either 1) they are really close to me or my fiance 2) they know other people who are attending.  If any of my single friends are bored at my wedding, they know where the door is!  My budget is *extreemly* limited and they all know that.  If they don't get a "and guest" on their invite, they know why.  Any friends who don't understand this aren't real close friends anyways and probably wouldn't be invited in the first place.

Suzzie_stretch

I think it's only fair for a single invited guest to bring a +1...they may only know you, and lets face it...they arent going to get to talk to you...at all...so someone they know for them to sit with will make it more enjoyable...however, to bring the brady bunch along is a bit much...just have someone else call and tell them no no..

my fiance's side of the family isnt chipping in a dime, and his mom wanted to invite 300ppl!!!  she wanted to invite her CUSTOMERS from the retail store she works at..can you believe that?!  you can fit my whole family in a minivan, and he has a large family..my solution..rented a hall that fits only 120...my guest list is 40, his is the rest, she wanted to do a second round of invited too, to fill any avialeble space, incase ppl rsvpd no...how tacky is that?

annherle

Tell them straight up! Be honest, my friend just told me that i was only invited, and i had no problem with that.

ekirzy

Ultimately, I think this is a prime example oh how some people don't view weddings as what they are - a celebration of two people wanting to committ their life together.  It's a special day for a couple, and if they choose to make it an intimate event, regardless of cost or space, then people need to respect that.  We all go to weddings to have fun, and as a bride and groom we have made countless efforts to make sure that our guests will have fun and will be comfortable, but in return I feel they should be respectful of the fact that our wedding is not JUST a big party  for them to enjoy, but us celebrating our love.  I've never brought a date to wedding except for my fiance since we've been living together, because for me a wedding is to be shared by the bride and groom and THEIR family and close friends, not the guest's family and close friends.  Why would someone wants a complete stranger at the most intimate day of their life?  I find bringing unecessary guests selfish, and to me that shows people who don't understand what weddings are really about.

kyla73069

I am having the same problem!!  We are getting married on the terrace of our suite in Vegas so there's not really any extra space.  The friends that I invited talked to some of their friends who now want to go.  The "extras" are people I haven't seen or talked to in 10 years!  How can you possibly think that's ok??  It was my understanding that the names written on the invitation were the people who are invited...not a friend of a friend of a friend.  I've been trying to decide how the handle this.  Thanks for bringing this issue up and for the advice!!   

shauna378

This may be silly, but is there anyway they included themsef in the RSVP - so 2 meant them +1 guest... ..unfortunately I used to do that all the time on the RSVPs and I know many others do too (not anymore)..   but yes, I agree with the other PIPs that if they invited one additional guest you should call or email them and just explain 

LD1970

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvpd-additional-guests-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f7f7fdb-6b62-4dd5-8c99-ef40b5d96599Post:2fd45446-0762-4a9a-8c7e-a5119f9e2f93">Re: RSVP'd with additional guests - how to handle</a>:
[QUOTE]My cousin did this for three extra children! We have a small guest list that is at capacity. I wrote to him and said - I would have loved to have your children there but we just don't have the room. He didn't reply to my email at all and that was three months ago. The wedding in in two months. I found it completely rude so I don't much care, but now I don't know if he's coming or not. So I suffer in planning because he was offended by my email, telling him politely that we are at capacity. Then again - every couple getting married goes through this I'm told... Good luck, don't back down for bossy peeps!!
Posted by Helen Milan[/QUOTE]
Your RSVP date was 5 months before the wedding?!

kendallm17

I think there are actually plenty of people out there who don't understand the meaning of addressees on invitations. I am the first of my friends to get married and I know most of them do not understand wedding and invitation etiquette, so I will have to be very specific with what I want. 

I thought of this because I was recently doing some spring cleaning in our office, and was HORRIFIED to find two wedding invitations and blank reply cards from last year- both addressed to my fiance only- both of which he attended, and one of which he brought me to! After reading the envelope, I was clearly not invited and had no idea. Needless to say I anticipate this same thing happening with our wedding since my own fiance is a violator!

Bride939

Reading the posts made me feel a ton better. I am now going through this and its ridiculous. I made my first call today to tell my Aunt that she could not bring a date. I left a voicemail. I await her response. Good Luck to everyone else.

Barbara L

Adding a guest  who was not on the invitaion is very rude.  We have this problem now with my daughter's wedding.  A second cousin was invited with his wife and she sent back the response card with Mr and Mrs attending and there son and circled 3 on the response card very boldly. The invitaion said Mr and Mrs, not son also.  We have been trying to call her with no response so we may have to send her a letter telling her, her son is not included as children are not invited except for the wedding party children, therefore, she can not bring her son.

angkiara22

Heres a option, tell them to have their adult daughter watch the child. lol