Adult only reception

Amelia24

I want to have an adult only reception as well... I don't understand why so many people have issues with that. I have 10 neices and nephews on my side, and my fiance has 4 plus his cousins kids want to come... now, I don't HATE kids... I like kids... but my problem is that I am getting married at a resort that is on a professional golf course and kids CANNOT be running around or we get charged for ANY damage done to the turf... Now, my mother in law is not at all happy with the fact we don't want kids to go because she feels that we are excluding family. So, here is what we are going to do: We are renting two hotel rooms that join together and are going to have game systems in there, coloring books, etc. and hiring a Nanny to watch them. The other problem I have with the kids going is that we have a very limited budget and there is no sense in having kids there who aren't going to remember the event anyways, or even enjoy it... I'm sorry... if I can only invite so many guests due to the budget I have, I'm not going to waste it on kids who would probably rather eat at McDonalds than have Prim Rib at 60 bucks a head. Ugh... lol... too many negatives for having kids their outweighs the people who get offended...

stevejacques

It seems some people have too much time to add sideline commentary unrelated to your question.  Dismiss them, do not feel at all guilty for YOUR preferences for YOUR special day.  While not the protocol master, I see no reason to include somewhere in the text, "Adults only, please."  And in the unlikely event someone does reply/confront (there's always one in the group), simply and respectfully let them know this if your personal preference....and, you need not feel compelled to explain or justify.  Enjoy, and good luck.

DanniW

Budget was a big reason for us deciding on having a 14+ wedding.  There were two other reasons:  2.)  open bar  3.)  evening wedding.  Adding the little ones would have thrown our guest list so far over the limit that we couldn't have had the wedding at all.  Our guests are mostly local, so local sitters would not be a problem.  Our hitch is our wedding party members, who will be working and so must attend (they have a job!).  ^_^  It wasn't an easy decision.  I had wanted to invite some of my students and their families, but in the end, we had to think of three things:  money, safety, and enjoyment of all of the guests.  The end decision will be different for each couple, I imagine.

tink249

I have the same situation. Our reception is open to a main street and don't want the parents having to constantly keep an eye out and not enjoy themselves as well. I put a message on every page of our website stating that. I am also putting it on a card in our invitation envelopes. I cant believe some of the people on here got so offended. Do what you want to dont be bothered by offended mothers. Have fun Please find  a sitter for the occasion. Due to limited seating and open access to the busy street, we regretfully ask that you please leave the little ones at home.

BillandAmandaKonz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:dd03823c-24b2-47ec-ba9b-b8a7358bfccf">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the problem is... it's fine not to invite the kids, but justifying that choice really just comes across as weak brainstorming and a lot of assuming that the bride and groom knows better than the parents. And maybe that's why these topics tend to get heated?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]


I think this topic gets heated because some people take it way too seriously. For one, the purpose of this whole "community" blog space is to be able to ask a question, regardless of the reasoning, and get feedback as to what they should do or not to do, for the matter at hand. If you don't agree with NOT having kids at a wedding, then don't reply if you're only going to express your own, meaningless-to-the-matter opinions on it. BUT, if you have some feedback as to the question this poor woman is asking, then by all means, give her ADVICE. She is simply asking how to write on the invites that it's an adult-only reception. If she wants to give reasons behind, then who cares. She didn't come out and say that parents are incompetant in taking care of their children, but if some people feel the need to justify that statement, then maybe it's true for those. I'm with Daffodill_Jill on this: take the question at face value and stop reading into it.

As for MY advice to this ever-so-heated-question: We are doing the same thing. Not having kids at our wedding. My reasons are: A few weddings I've gone to had screaming and rambuctious kids where the parents DIDN'T do anything about, Cutting Costs tremendously, and a chance for parents to get away from their kids for a weekend to have fun with Grown-Ups. On the invites we're only going to address them to the people we want there (not putting "--and family"). On the rsvp cards, we're having them put in the number of people attending like this:

_____ of 2 will be attending.

That way they can't put 4 down for their whole family. If the rsvp comes back with more than the alotted amount, I have given the task to my mother to handle calling those people. We have enough on our plate :)

Good luck with your wedding, it sounds lovely.

lissasikes

I'm inviting kids to my wedding, but only of immediate family members, because the number just grow to be too large.  One cousin who's children were invited opted to not bring them so they could have an adult night.  That is a choice parents have, and many choose to get a sitter.

crmccl

I'd like to offer advice - not complain about anything, here .

We prefer no infants or toddlers at our ceremony and reception, too. The polite and tactful way of handling this is pretty straightforward. I wouldn't say anything on your invitation regarding who is and isn't invited. You must be clear on your envelope addresses and your RSVP cards just who exaclty is invited. Some people leave blanks next to the words "attending ____" and "not attending ____" which can be taken as an open invitation to everyone in the family. Instead, have "Mr. John Doe will __attend __ not attend" and "Mrs. Jane Doe will __attend __not attend" or something along those lines. If you have a space for dinner preferences, you can just include those boxes/spaces after the RSVP boxes. For example:



Unfortunately, you may get that completely clueless person calling you to ask, but just be sure to be prepared with a polite "Regretfully, we've only reserved two seats for you and your husband/wife/partner" response.

By the way, this same strategy can be used for single guests that you would prefer not bring a plus one. Although, in my opinion, its better to give single guests an option. But it's not required if budget doesn't allow for every guest to bring a plus one.

Hope this helps!

-Caitlin

CountryGirl414

I work in child care..and there are definitely times where I KNOW I know better than the parents!

MrsCoyMoore

I'm shocked. Never in my life have I heard of an "Adult Only" wedding. Everyone whose wedding I've been invited to since my daughter was born (she's 3) has asked specifically for me to bring her, even though sometimes it's easier for me to find a sitter. I'm amazed at how rude these "non kid people" are.

Now that I'm over my shock, I can tell you exactly why this will always be an issue. Because your entire viewpoint changes once you have children. Before my unexpected pregnancy, I never considered myself a "kid person". In fact, the first diaper I ever changed was my daughters the day she was born. (Although, I hope I wouldn't have been rude enough to exclude all my firends children from my wedding!) Now that I have a daughter, I still really don't think I'm a kid person, but I would ever exclude my friends' children from anything that they wanted to bring them to.

Then again, maybe my child and my friends' children are just much better behaved then the children the people above me know.

MrsCoyMoore

Although I will say,  BillAndAmanda up above me have the BEST, or at least the least offensive way of keeping children out of their wedding:

"On the rsvp cards, we're having them put in the number of people attending like this:

_____ of 2 will be attending."

I'm positive that none of my close friends would ever bar my little girl from coming. Like I said before, it would probaby be them begging me to bring her. But if someone I knew even hinted at the fact that they didn't want me to bring the most important person in my life, I just wouldn't come.

Even though I woud have most likely found a sitter for the night anyway, I would be so offended that I just woudn't go. I'm sure that's fine with all of you child haters.

MrsLa Rue

When my finace and I wrote our wedding guest list out, there were 62 children there. It was an immediate NO for having kids at our wedding.  ((And for future reference, just because someone asks a question about not wanting to have screaming children at their wedding doesnt mean they are attacking YOU, relax)) ANYWAY, we opted for no children for the very same reason. No, not everyone is considered an "idiot" but, lets be honest. Kids are kids, they WILL act out. With that said, on our invitations at the bottom we put "Adult reception to follow" and on the RSVP cards, we printed "We have reserved __ seats in your honor" and we wrote in "2" (for example) AND wrote M_______________ their names so there was no confusion.  Because we are not having children at our wedding, but we see many (he has a neice and nephew we see often along with his cousins 3 children, and I have 4 cousins yada yada) we are having 11 children IN the wedding. Please, please, keep in mind that parents do MANY things without their children, there ARE "adult events" that take place, a wedding is one of them! Keep in mind this is YOUR day, whoever you want there will be there, those who get offended because their children can't come and chose not to come because of it, aren't that important anyway. Best of luck to you!!! Hope this helped.

tanigi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:86e4ebc3-10ac-4a71-b6e2-cd6521114d3a">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Adult only reception : Now I have 2Pac stuck in my head. "Brenda had a baby, but Brenda barely had a brain"
Posted by saschaduran[/QUOTE]

lol good one.

it's not that serious people. just let it be.

hcontreras3

My fiancee and I are also having an adults only type wedding, well except for maybe the 5 "kids" who are teenagers. We both love kids, but want the focus to remain on us for at least this one important day.
 Listen, its your wedding and you have to do what will make you and your fiancee happy. The church I am getting married in is very traditional and I too do not want some kid screaming during my ceremony. I have also heard horror stories of kid's behavior during the reception, one involving a ruined bridal gown.
I understand there are responsible and considerate parents out there but I would rather not take the chance. And lets not forget the cost of feeding that child who may not even eat enough of the food to make it worth it. I have plenty of friends with young kids and I know they will understand. There must be someone to watch the child for the weekend. The only exception I would think of is if the mother is still breastfeeding the child, but even then there is a way to work around it.
I don't know if this helps, but just to know I feel the same way.

ashleybombshell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-reception-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:643e82d5-6136-4935-9002-ae9dfe0c52acPost:94e919c3-14b3-450c-b913-74e78fdb00d1">Re: Adult only reception</a>:
[QUOTE]But if someone I knew even hinted at the fact that they didn't want me to bring the most important person in my life, I just wouldn't come. Even though I woud have most likely found a sitter for the night anyway, I would be so offended that I just woudn't go. I'm sure that's fine with all of you child haters.
Posted by MrsCoyMoore[/QUOTE]

Child haters? That term is most definitely misguided and extreme, and is the same thing as if all of those "haters" were to label children as 'uncontrollable heathens'. Both terms are ridiculous and obviously untrue.

A lot of the PP whom are having Adult Only receptions actually like kids or even have kids of their own, but understand that some events are not well-suited for little ones. It's great that all of the weddings you have been to have embraced the excitement that children can bring to the day, but not everyone's special day is tailored this way. Sometimes receptions are held at clubs, wineries, or swanky destination spots that would offer little to no entertainment value to a kid, or could even be unsafe in some way. Everyone understands that peoples' children are the most important persons in their life, and no one would blame a parent for being a little remorseful that they have to leave their little angel at home. But if a couple wants to have a black-tie cocktail reception that runs until late at night, they shouldn't be chastised for requesting that children not attend, as a formal cocktail event is no place for kids. Really, they shouldn't be criticized no matter what their reason: some events are simply not compliant with children. It's not meant to send the message that your child isn't important to them or is ill-behaved or has no reason to share in their happiness; it simply means that it's not an atomsphere that is kid-friendly. No more, no less.

It's the same thing as men not being invited to wedding/baby showers and women not going out to the strip club with the guys. It's nothing to get into a tizzy about, it simply has to do with atmosphere and logistics.

MrMrsKaz

I don't think anyone here hates kids..... I think its just the fact that they are kids and you never know how they will behave..... even a great parents sometimes can not control their child

MooreDawson

I'm a mother of twin 4 year olds. We opted to write on only the individuals invitations with children that it was 12 & up. I have to admit we were being sneaky because we really just wanted my fiances nephew to be able to come and he was the only one under 18. 

floridasarah

Wow this is a very heated topic between some people.  I am a mother of an almost 2 year old boy and even though he will be our RB he will be going upstairs to the hotel with a sitter after pictures are taken.  I will be having an ADULT ONLY RECEPTION.  I will be hiring a sitter or 2 for the people that must bring children (for distance wise).  I loved the idea's of putting Adult Only Reception to follow and the one about letting them know about babysitting services.  This will be a destination wedding for most of our guests (except for 6 people, including us) so I understand that some people can't find a sitter for 2-3 days so I have no problem with them being there the rest of the time, I just don't want them at my reception.  I'm already fearing that my son will decide to high tail it into the ocean while walking down the aisle as it is.  People do not need to defend their reason's for anything related to their weddings, it is YOUR day and you can do whatever you please with inviting people.  Godd Luck to all no matter if you do or don't have children present!

mstofan

I agree with addressing the envelopes to the adults only, however, even then some people just don't get it. I recently had the same decision to make and finally finalized my invites a few days ago. I did not put it on the actual invitation, but I did write "Adult reception" on the lower left hand corner of reception card, so if there is any question people can revert to that for clarification. I have a funny feeling that some people will still show up with children. I hear it happens all of the time. So, if you can prevent at least some of the nonsense beforehand, do so. It is your day and you should be able to do what you are comfortable with. I assure you, you will not be able to please EVERYONE, no matter what you do. So, concentrate on making you happy. Don't' feel guilty about your decision. 
Hope this helps! Congratulations!

smurfnj

I am having an adult only reception and on my website I put "adult only reception" I really dont care who doesnt like it b/c its my day and bottom line ppl dont know how to control their children and I dont want to deal with it. My fiance and I have 2 children of our own they will be there but trust if I had somewhere for them to go they would go. Weddings arent fun for children and when they get bored they get crazy. I like children but not where I will be drinking and having some adult fun; CHUCK E. CHEESE AND ALL THE KIDS CAN COME, BUT NOT AT MY RECEPTION!!!!

megs727

The best advice so far in any thread is common: It is YOUR wedding. And, to a degree, I think people should respect your decisions surrounding your/your FI day.

I love kids (future maternity/pediatrics nurse here!), but that doesn't mean that all situations are appropriate for kids. If you are planning a wedding that just isn't "kid-friendly" then why invite them? 

Furthermore, if you don't really like kids...don't invite them! You wouldn't invite an adult you didn't care for! 

If it's a cost issue: are children going to appreciate an expensive meal? At 25-50 bucks a plate, would you be spending your money where you want to? HOWEVER, I do agree that it is really considerate to organize several babysitters to have in one location for all the kids or on call so that parents can easily arrange for them. If you do get a group babysitter, it would be a nice touch to subsidize the cost or to order pizza for them all. BECAUSE the reality is that not all parents will be able to leave their children at home if they're from away.

In the end, do what makes you feel comfortable.

sunnshine01jt

I have 2 children(age 4 and 7) and I am having a no kids wedding.  My immediate family alone has 3 times as many kids as adults.  All my cousins have 3-4 kids each.  when you figure that each person costs at least $30+ a head them kids that barely eat really add to the costs.  I would love to be able to have a million kids at my wedding and hate that we can't, but it is just not possible when there are so many in the family.  My kids will be leaving after dinner.  I'm sure even being there that long will be pure boredom for them.  I can remember going to weddings as a child and I was so bored until the actual dancing started which by the time you have dinner and do all the  traditional family dances with the bride and groom it is a kids bedtime.  The fun starts for them, but they are too tired to enjoy it by then.
Who cares about the reasons or whether you like kids or not, it is your day and your decision.  Have it your way no matter what everyone else thinks. 

sunnshine01jt

Also to anyone who puts in the argument that I have to have kids or it's just not fair to exclude them and make everyone find sitters, this is what I say.
I would love to make everyone happy on our day and if you would like to donate the thousands of dollars to make that happen I would be happy to oblige.  I try to keep in mind how many kids are in the family and the cost per head with a total so everyone can see how much it adds on to have the beautiful angels attend.  Alot of people just don't know that it really costs that much for even the small ones to attend, so when they hear the numbers they usually understand our choice in the matter is understandable.

kkelly86

Girl it's your wedding and if you don't want kids to come then so be it. Children are beautiful and they are a wonderful thing to make on the honeymoon. In my opinon weddings are for adults if theres booze there shouldn't be children. The only children that will be allowed at my wedding are the ones in the wedding . . . The children I know. I know I'm p.o.-ing all the mommy's out there but you would have felt the same way if little Susie whats its kid let out a bucket of screams during your intimate moment. It's your wedding and because you are paying for it you get to make the decisions.

abhz003

I too am having an adult only reception. We are only addressing the invites to those whom we want to attend. We did put on the Reception card adult reception only. The place we ordered the invites from suggested it. One reason why we did this is because we know of people who will not think of calling to ask if its ok to bring their kids and will just bring them automatically so depending on the circumstance, the people and the culture, sometimes you just have to write it out so people can't say I didnt know. We are only making exceptions for those in the bridal party, my fiance's nephews who he helped raise, so they are like his kids and a couple of friends who have children with special needs and all of their babysitters will be at the wedding and most of those few exceptions will probably find a way to come without their kids anyway. I know people may not agree with this, but again its your day and you have to decide what works best for you. Our main reason for not inviting kids is financial. We know alot of people who have anywhere from 4-8 kids and that would bring our numbers up to over 400 people, especially b/c we both have huge extended families. We are only allowing those who are in serious relationships to bring their significant other.

mrsthoser

My Fi and I are also opting for a child-free (18 or older) wedding and reception (with the exception of the 4 who will be in the wedding party - JBM, JGM, RB, and FG - all over the age of 7). Technically when you address the invitations, if it says "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" it means ONLY Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, not "including little Bobby, Jimmy and Sue". However, we are also putting on our invitation 3 simple words: "adults only please". That way there's no question. I have a sneaky feeling we may lose my Fi's goddaughter's mom b/c of this but I don't care - she doesn't like me any way! lol even HE says she's becoming a bit of a "witch".

Congrats and Good Luck!

pmcbroom

We are getting married in November. Not  to be rude, but sometimes people are just too...um SLOW and don't get the fact that you JUST address it to the people invited and don't include all their little kids in the invite. AND I don't want people who might possibly question it but don't give a crap and bring their five kids we didn't plan for oin our budget. We stated it in our invites. On our reception card that was included in our invite with our reception information, it simply said Adult only reception. NO harm in making sure you get that point across. My fiance and I don't have kids, we are waiting to have kids, so with that being said we don't want to have to shell out money for everyone elses kids and let me tell you there are a crap load of kids! So really it's up to you how you want to go about this. If you feel comfortable being blunt and getting your word across, you can do as we did. It's not tacky, it's being honest. And who cares...it's your wedding. If people can't find a baby sitter within months before the wedding, and get their panties in the bunch, they don't need to come and be a downer at your wedding anyway

Spink/Hauger2010

Wow...this is exactly why the poor girl posted this. You can never tell how people are going to react to being told they can't bring kids. Some love it, some REALLY hate it. It's totally fine for Jenn to explain the reasons she doesn't want kids at her wedding. Maybe you don't agree with them, but you don't need to get so hostile. She is just as entitled to her opinion as you are. Maybe the safety is a "weak" reason, but it doesn't really matter. She probably should come up with an answer in case people ask her for reasons. Just because she's worried kids would want to run into the ocean instead of listening to all the ceremony stuff doesn't mean that she is personally attacking you or your parenting skills.

It IS your day- and I sympathize with having to pay for everything. Kids are great- I want a few eventually. I don't think I would FREAK out if I couldn't bring them to a wedding. In fact, I think I would enjoy the date with my hubby.

Good luck and have fun!

Lennie.Keba

I am going to be totally honest here.  I am having an adults only ceremony and reception, aside from my 4 nieces and nephews who will play a role in the ceremony.  Shortly after dinner, I want those kids whisked away so that I don't have to see or hear another child all night.  I don't want children running around, making noise, interupting adults having conversations, I don't want to have to pretend to address children when speaking to the adults they are with and I sure don't want a grubby kid accidentally spilling something on my dress.  I want children out of sight and out of mind (for me and my guests, especially the many of us who are not parents).  I love children in small doses.  I am not a parent.  I have had the experience with people (even my sisters) who think their kids are such well-behaved angels that they can take them anywhere -- even to the theater.  What the hell makes you think I want a squirming child being coaxed to sit still in the chair next to me when I paid $175 to see a performance?  My wedding is no different.  Its a formal evening event and it isn't a place for kids.  I don't mind if people stay away from my wedding because their kids are not welcome there.  I hope that they will wish me well from afar.  Once we get the serious solemn ceremony part over, my focus will be on celebrating my union with my husband by enjoying the biggest party I will probably ever throw (hence we are apringing for an open bar all night and I really do want the party to go until midnight).  That isn't a time or place for kids.  Period. 

I am putting the __ of 2 on my rsvp cards and I have already included adults only reception on my website. 

nandrus

I'm also trying to navigate this, and it doesn't seem easy.  Even if you label the invitation for just the parents, so many people assume that kids are freebies and they can bring them whether their names are on the card or not.  I think I'm going to include a note so there isn't any confussion.  Maybe something reasonable like...  "We prefer to have an adults only wedding, but if you're traveling to join us, call me and I'm sure we can work something out."  Or something to that effect.  That way local people who have babysitters / grandparents / etc...  at their disposal, know to utilize them.  But people who would have to leave their child out of state for several days in order to attend, know that it's not an all or nothing situation.

I (like several of the women who have replied) would have nearly as many children as adults if I allowed everyone to bring their kids.  That sounds more like a kids birthday party then a wedding, and doesn't make any sense to me.  That's why I'm trying to limit or eliminate the kids from the guest list.  In my opinion, weddings are a time to celebrate a marriage and the bride and groom are the only ones who can decide who they want to spend that day with.  The guests need to remember that a "no kids rule" is not specificially for them, but often because if they allowed ALL the kids to come, then the kids might out-number the adults and dramatically change the event.  Hopefully more guests will understand that.

Good luck everyone!  I'm sure it will all work out.

ritadelude

I am letting people choose if they want to bring kids or not. I know alot of the people we invite are and can bring kids, but when it starts getting late, then the adults will take there kids home with them or to a sitter. This is not my family's first wedding and so I know what my family does when it comes to weddings and such. We have 3 kids 1 year old daughter, 6 year old daughter, and 13 year old son. My future in-laws said that they will be more than happy to take the kids when it starts getting late, and they are all in the wedding. It's the bride and grooms choice if they want kids to attend or not. Everyone has there vision of there perfect day.