I need some help.

mocha beans

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:03cd3a71-9099-4d2b-967c-13e8d3de2a28">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]Emily, his debt won't touch me. Thank goodness. If we get a divorce, it'll be a simple matter of changing my name back. We have nothing together. Arbolita, I agree, and that's what hurts the most. <strong>I said last night, "You're willing to let me go over this? You're willing to quit your job and do this, and if I walk, you're ok with that?" He said, "No, I'm not ok with that, but you're the one making the decision to leave and you're the one that won't support me. I'm not quitting over you."</strong>
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

Yep, that would have ended it right there for me.  He's not giving you a choice.  He's telling you to pick the lesser of two evils, which is a jackass of a move.  He's being unimaginably selfish.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm also surprised he's ALLOWED to ride without insurance. I play in a goddamn kickball league and we have to sign an agreement that states that we have health insurance because they don't want to be sued if we get injured, basically.

mwhitson14

Thank you dani. It's so hard to explain. Like someone said, tunnel vision. He thinks he can quit and he's going to make money and it's all going to be fine.

LTB, I will check for sure.

Thank you everyone. I'm not responding to each and every post, but I'm reading all of them and taking all your advice to heart. I fully appreciate that I was able to come here and get some advice and vent my concens without getting bitched out or something like that. It means a lot to me.

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:6497a17e-7591-4647-bbea-e9c0a93e8619">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]Ha bec :)<strong> He did get stepped on his knee really badly, and he's been to the dr. He has to go again next Friday. X-Rays and MRI. With no insurance. The hospital bills, that haven't even came in yet, are making my stomach hurt. </strong>Nebb, it really has come out of left field. We went to dinner Tuesday night and he was just acting so strange, I even texted Kel about it. We got into that night about him quitting, and then we sat down more calmly last night to talk. LC, they are.
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

WHAT THE EFF? I really feel the need to hit him. Want me to come up there? Travis says my glare is pretty scary.

mwhitson14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:78b0ef38-86e0-4550-bde8-fef2d81a55cf">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : Yep, that would have ended it right there for me.  He's not giving you a choice.  He's telling you to pick the lesser of two evils, which is a jackass of a move.  He's being unimaginably selfish.
Posted by mocha beans[/QUOTE]

Exactly. Even if he doesn't end up quitting his job, I'm so unbelievably hurt by his statements.

Pirata13

OMG Whit, I am SO SORRY this is happening. H and his family are super a-holes. I am so glad you are meeting with a counselor. And I hate to say it, but you should really meet with an attorney too. The fact that he is not contributing financially and now has mounting medical bills after ONE ride makes me very concerned that you are going to get financially ruined over this.  I know nothing about legal issues like this but I'm pretty sure I've heard of exes getting stuck with ex-spouses debt.  You need to see what you can do immediately to protect yourself financially. 

I'd seriously also change your locks and if there is anyone you can stash valuables with, do it.  I wouldn't trust H & his family not to come and clean things out when you're not there. I trust no one in situations like this. Too many people I know or have heard of that pull shady things when money etc is involved.

Good luck, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers as well.

mwhitson14

Jess, feel free to hit. Night is building a mafia, you can join

cac847

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:597eb595-99e6-4a1b-a5d4-494b8c6a8c2a">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : True, you are the one not supporting him, but that's because you are intelligent enough not to support his delusion. Unless he is willing to start thinking about "we" instead of "I/me", you will be having this exact same conversation throughout the rest of your marriage, anytime he wants to do something impractical.
Posted by arbolita[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. And anyone who values their parents' and their friends' opinions more than their wife's shouldn't be married. I'm sorry you're going through this, but having the strength to leave now may save you years of heartbreak.

L-Bride

The good thing about medical bills that they don't affect credit scores. They do however affect debt to income ratios when applying for a loan or a mortgage.

But If he has other debt as in credit cards that's bringing his credit score down, YOUR credit score is going to go down too. When you're married your credit scores affect your spouses.
If you feel he's done with the marriage I would try and get out as soon as possible. Nothing to be ashamed of chicky

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:46a29bac-12f4-4afe-8077-75f45b0bec6f">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]The good thing about medical bills that they don't affect credit scores.
Posted by L-Bride[/QUOTE]

Yeah unless they go into collections, and it seems like that might be a real possibility here.  Once an account goes into collections, it goes on your credit report and stays there even after it's paid off for something like 7 years.  He won't be able to pay his medical bills if he's not working.

LesPaul

Holy crap, Whit.  I'm so sorry.  Does he realize that only a handful of people actually make a living doing this?  And - they are good at it and have corporate sponsors?  Geez - sounds like the bull stepped on his head last time he rode.

Moneypenny424

I haven't read all of the responses yet because I just wanted to say I'm so sorry he's behaving like this.  You're not overreacting at all.  This isn't about you supporting his dreams.  There is a time for chasing dreams, and when times are financially really hard and you both might go under if he's not working, that is NOT the time.  I really hate this sense of entitlement or "I need to find myself" attitude that so many men have.  You don't get to take a time out from life and your commitments to find what you want out of life.

The problem is that this isn't an investment in your common future.  He's not very good.  I'm sure he'll get better, but is this a career?  Don't bull riders travel a lot and stuff?  When you're MARRIED, you don't make these decisions by yourself. 

When you start talking to him again, I'd mention that it isn't YOUR dream to work three jobs and barely make ends meet.  Is he thinking of that?  Say that you support his dream, but right now is NOT the time for him to be quitting his job.  Perhaps he should do it on the weekends, see if he has any talent for it, and go from there.

Best of luck, sweetie.

Moneypenny424

As I read more, I just get angrier for you.  He's a fucking ADULT.  We're not 18 and living like a smelly hippie while backpacking through Europe.  He has responsibilities to YOU.

I'm sure YOUR dream was to find a real man, not someone acting like a spoiled child.

jasmineh7777

No matter what happens Whit, you are a strong woman and you should be proud of yourself.  You are doing everything right, going to counseling, getting some space and perspective. I'll keep you in my prayers.

bel138

This is unbelievable. I am so sorry. I don't even know how you're sane and functioning right now. This is incredibly selfish of him, beyond selfish. And I can't believe his parents and friends support this. No wonder you feel like there may be someone else; it almost seems as though everyone knows something you don't. I agree with everyone else that you need your affairs in order with regard to a lawyer. Always better safe than sorry. And don't feel ashamed. HE is the one that broke your vows.

Even though this might seem a little out of nowhere, you did mention that he seems "off." (I'm sorry, I forget the exact words you used.) How OFF are we talking? Like sudden drastic change in whole personality? Does he have any weird physical symtoms? Is this sureness that he can be big and famous like Schizophrenic Delusions of Graneur serious? Part of me almost WANTS him to have some brain abnormality or mental illness to explain why he's being such an asshat.

LD1970

Is he around 40?  This sounds like a mid-life crisis, and that's the age it tends to hit.

andyandhillary

I don't have anything new to say but I just wanted to give you a hug.  So...*hug*

L-Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:865787ad-a31d-4a35-b256-4ab893a2a0b3">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : Yeah unless they go into collections, and it seems like that might be a real possibility here.  Once an account goes into collections, it goes on your credit report and stays there even after it's paid off for something like 7 years.  He won't be able to pay his medical bills if he's not working.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

This is interesting. A few months ago I received a letter from a hospital collections company. It was from when I broke my foot 5 years ago. It was about $150. I was so upset when I called to pay it because I was afraid it had effected my credit. The woman told me that medical bills will never affect your credit score even in collections. It would affect your debt/ratio.
I checked my credit report after and it wasn't on there.

damaless

"Just going to premarital twice was a huge fight."  This sounds a bit like a red flag...

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time, but maybe in the end it will all be for the better?

mocha beans

And how does he get off thinking...sorry, assuming...he's going to make thousands doing this if he hasn't even won ONCE?  His reasoning may have a few more ounces of weight if he had won every competition in first place for a few years.  But to not even win once, "but honey, I know I'll make thousands!".  Please.  And I'm a better swimmer than Michael Phelps because I did good in swimming lessons.

[Deleted User]

Wow, just a sucky situation all around. Based on this thread I'd say you're better off without him, but it's not up to me to decide such things. His parents should stay out of it and not call you a bad wife, especially when they don't seem to be considering the fact that YOU pay for everything. The only thing you could possibly do there is talk to them about the situation.

Yes, marriage is about supporting each other, but not to the extent that it puts you out on the streets. He is an a-hole for trying to guilt you into letting him ride friggin bulls using that as an excuse. He sounds like a child, or someone going through a mid-life crises. Either way, he's wrong. If DH ever left over a fight he would have to bust his ass to get back in, I can't imagine what you're going through but I'm sorry you are.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:03cd3a71-9099-4d2b-967c-13e8d3de2a28">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]Emily, his debt won't touch me. Thank goodness. If we get a divorce, it'll be a simple matter of changing my name back. We have nothing together. Arbolita, I agree, and that's what hurts the most. I said last night, "You're willing to let me go over this? You're willing to quit your job and do this, and if I walk, you're ok with that?" He said, "No, I'm not ok with that, but you're the one making the decision to leave and you're the one that won't support me. <strong>I'm not quitting over you.</strong>"
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

So basically, yes, he DID say he would pick bull riding over his marriage. And he's manipulating you into being the bad guy. NOT okay.

But hey, let him move back in with his parents so THEY can pay all his bills. Should work out great for him in the long run.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:9c668eb2-8714-46aa-9092-e3b6d5438742">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : This is interesting. A few months ago I received a letter from a hospital collections company. It was from when I broke my foot 5 years ago. It was about $150. I was so upset when I called to pay it because I was afraid it had effected my credit. The woman told me that medical bills will never affect your credit score even in collections. It would affect your debt/ratio. I checked my credit report after and it wasn't on there.
Posted by L-Bride[/QUOTE]

But I'm pretty aure you debt to credit ratio DOES affect your credit score. It's one of the components they rate, along with timely payment history, length of credit, amount and variety of credit, number of credit inquiries, etc.

[Deleted User]

And I just read the part about how he said he wouldn't quit because of you. That's just incredibly selfish and hurtful. How do you come back from something like that? He's being such a jerk, I really hate him for you.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:9c668eb2-8714-46aa-9092-e3b6d5438742">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need some help. : This is interesting. A few months ago I received a letter from a hospital collections company. It was from when I broke my foot 5 years ago. It was about $150. I was so upset when I called to pay it because I was afraid it had effected my credit. The woman told me that medical bills will never affect your credit score even in collections. It would affect your debt/ratio. I checked my credit report after and it wasn't on there.
Posted by L-Bride[/QUOTE]

I don't know.  I know my H had a few medical bills go into collections and they were/are on his credit report.  I also do financial investigations and have investigated plenty of people who have medical and cell phone collections accounts on their credit report, even ones that were paid long ago.  Maybe you just paid yours off before they submitted it to the credit reporting agencies.

BecW2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:6ddae55d-bd2e-4c68-aebf-1ebe726ca6a7">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]Night, I am prepared to leave. I'm leaving this weekend to make the first step, and just telling people is going to help me make that step too. I've put up with this because I don't want the shame of a failed marriage 2 months in, but the more people I tell, the more I feel better about my decision.
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

Ok, reading this I'm going to go back and insert what I deleted from my first response. RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND FROM THIS BUCKET O' BSC AND HIS BSC PARENTS!

Would you rather feel like you've failed (YOU HAVEN'T) 2 months in, or 2 years in? Don't waste your time. If he's not going to make an effort to live on this IRL planet by going to counseling or offering some sort of compromise, cut your losses and go. Kick his ass out. Now. There's no shame in making the right decision.

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:03cd3a71-9099-4d2b-967c-13e8d3de2a28">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]He said, "No, I'm not ok with that, but you're the one making the decision to leave and you're the one that won't support me. I'm not quitting over you."
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

This actually made me say "OH MY GOD" out loud. I am so angry FOR YOU and I can't imagine how you're feeling on the inside.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bfe5c83-8fc5-4d8d-8d01-96cca69dd9e5Post:70760652-8c10-4346-bfd9-2bf1831f9661">Re: I need some help.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry Whit. I hate to say it but it sounds like he does not want to be married and he is using bull riding as a dumb excuse instead of just being a man and coming out and saying it...It just seems to me from his past behavior and now he just is not mature enough to be married quite yet.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

This. Entirely.

Whit, my friend that lives close to you got divorced when her husband wanted to travel all over the world while she footed the bill. He blew like $2500 in 2 weeks, and she was working at home. When she talked to him about it, he decided she was boring and left. The were divorced within the month.

This behavior is sounding familiar to me, and IF you have to go that route, which I know that you don't <em>want</em> to, but I feel that if he's not respecting you as his equal partner, then HE is wrong.

I know that you come from a church-going background as well, and I don't know how that is weighing on your decision to stay or go, but just remember, we're taught to submit to our husbands, yes. BUT, our husbands are supposed to LOVE and RESPECT us as Christ did the church. What Shane is doing doesn't fall into that category, and you're bending over backwards for him already, and he isn't doing anything to reciprocate. I often say that it would take a lot for me to get a divorce, but if this is as bad as you say (and I'm sure it's really worse) then this is a time when I would walk. No shame.

I'd be more proud of you for walking away now than to stick with it for four years and have all of that extra heartache.

My friend that got divorced said to me, "Why couldn't he have just done this early on instead of wasting the last four years of my life?"

So much love to you, Megan, and many T&P.

mwhitson14

bel, yes very different personality. Shane used to be the most laidback person I know. When we fought over rent, he was so mad, screaming and yelling and cussing at me. I actually thought he was going to hit me at one point, and It's SO unlike him.

L-Bride

Dani:Yes, maybe she meant that just hadn't submitted it to the credit bureau yet.
Msmery: Yes, you're right is does effect one of the 3 scores.
In conclusion sorry for the erroneous fact!

mandysmear

And you know what else whit?  He's acting like a shitty husband.  And a shitty roommate, friend, lover, boyfriend, fiance.  Doesn't matter what kind of relationship you guys had, he's still acting really shiity.

I am so proud of you for coming forward and I wish you the best and I hope you do the right thing.