small guest list not inviting people who assume they are invited... what to say or do.

bblla

I am the mob and we  are planning  elegant  evening wedding for  my daughter.  The bride/grooms families  can invite app 60 people each    One side of  our family is huge.  Many don't talk to each other and live all over the country.    The other side is small and close. So we were going to invite  imediate family plus our  Aunts  and Uncles but no cousins. In addition I'm inviting our  close freinds but not   their   children  unless they are extremely close to the bride or groom. The bride and groom can have whoever the want . 
Here is the dilema.  ALOT of these  people have assumed thier grown  children are going to be invited  and have told us so ...or they  mention how the " whole family" is going to need to travel  to the wedding or some of our closest friends  are assuming their entire family is invited.  It's making us all uncomfortable

Should I say something now or should they find out  when they don't get an invite

-sincerely,
can't win

danieliza1127

When someone says something like that, just say something like "oh that is so sweet that they would want to come, but due to the budget and space, we are keeping it limited to immediate family and closest relatives only, so we won't be able to invite so-and-so.  I'm sure you understand!" and then change the subject if you can.  Just be gracious, but blame it on the budget or venue size and don't make exceptions.

shellydiane820

If they flat out ask, then tell them its a small affair and due to venue space, you can't invite everyone.

I wouldn't go out of your way to say anything, that's unnecessary.  When they don't get an invite, they'll know.

nda_roxybabe

I totally read this as "I'm in the mob" which would make sense with the big families...
Ditto Dani

LesaBear

I ignore it when people imply they're invited. If they ask or won't allow me to change the subject i just say that it's a very intimate wedding. Follow pps advice.

ThePinkSuperhero

I am the mob!

[Deleted User]

"pffft, their asses aren't invited!"

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-guest-list-not-inviting-people-assume-invited-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:819e6ec2-1b52-4ff2-b713-8cbb2365a4f1Post:1d1331c4-5705-4b67-a8a7-9e5be50f3292">Re: small guest list not inviting people who assume they are invited... what to say or do.</a>:
[QUOTE]I am the mob!
Posted by ThePinkSuperhero[/QUOTE]
Hahah thats how I read it too

ChelseaBFH

Send out save the dates, and only address them to the people invited.

MaureenandCarmine

The only reason that you might go out of your way to let them know exactly who is invited is for the out of town guests. You mentioned that you have a lot of out of town family. They would probably make travel arrangements before invitations go out. Just make sure that any save the dates are clear on who is and isn't invited (especially if it may differentiate people in the same household.) I think that while these people are being presumptuous you also don't want them to go so far as to buy plane tickets before they are corrected.

Jeni35

I would think that you should be up front and say that the wedding will be on the smaller side and only the parents that the bride and groom knew as a child can be invited. You could also mention that since the bride and groom are inviting their closest friends- there is limited space. I am not sure that I would use the term intimate as you are having over 100 people. We are having 30 and that is intimate. I also agree with another poster that if people are thinking of making travel arrangements from out of town- they would prefer a head's up a few months in advance. 

mcclurekelley

Our wedding is even smaller than your daugher's:  bride, groom, parents, sister/brother in law of groom, Maid of Honor & spouse, Best man & spouse, grandfather, pastor and photographer.  That's it.

We too, had this issue.  Family thinking they were coming and they aren't invited.

We did the following:  at a family gathering on both sides of the family (mine was at Easter, his was at the annual family reunion), we announced our engagement.  We stated that because we wanted a small affair, and because our venue was small (it's an outdoor garden that holds, literally 18 people--tops!), we were having a wedding with immediate family only. 

Everyone was fine--at first.
Then it started via phone calls to both mothers about what was considered immediate family.  Thankfully both mothers held their ground and said, "This is what they want.  You need to accept it."

My mom gave me the best advice:  you have to be prepared for the fact that people aren't going to be happy with your choice.  As long as you can go to bed at night feeling happy and confident with your decision, what they think doesn't matter.

We are thrilled with it and our families have cooled off.

Good luck!

vitacosmopolita

I had a relative of my fiances' email me and say "Here is my address for when you send my invitation." Mind you, we've never met and she has yet to say Congrats. SImiliar things have come from people on my "side".

The only reason why I didn't say, "You're not invited #$(*@ " Is because I am treading lightly for my mom and his mom, two peacekeepers, who have partially contributed to the event.

I am leaning towards they'll figure it out when others get the invites and they don't.

Since you are the mother of the bride you do have the right to say, its a small affair, etc etc

hickok

I'm thinking that if those family members are in the mob, you'd better invite ALL of them.  No exceptions.   I woudln't be pissing those people off!  :-)  Here' something I try to live by: the always asume the absolute BEST of intentions in others.  Think of how many people have families who would NOT want to come, or who don't have families at all!  Assume the best of their intentions, and respond with that in mind.  Wow, that is SO NICE that you would all want to come!  It makes me feel so loved!  I wish I didn't have to limit the number of guests, but I really do...  Often we jump to negative assumptions about others.  Take in the love of your family and respond lovingly.  I mean, not that you wouldn't.  I'm just using this as an opportunity to consider this perspective.

xanthus0203

I completely agree, you have to let people know ahead of time who is and is not invited.  You also want to be careful, and very specific, when sending invites to the head of a family only.  I have been in a situtation where the parents were all sent invites, and not the grown children, but they were still expected to come.  Your relatives may assume that they are supposed to pass on the invite to their chldren, which would be why you want to be very clear about who is invited. 

KristinFreddie

I have a similar situation so thanks for this question!
 My brother has automatically assumed that his sons girlfriends will also be invited. With 5 boys that's an extra 5 people we hadn't planned on including. We are waiting to deal with this until the invitations are sent out when we will directly address it to only my brother, his wife and the 5 boys.
I also have a friend whom I have fallen out of touch with, that is until I got engaged. She now constantly makes references to "being at the wedding" on my FB page. So far I've ignored them, but I know eventually I'll have to say something, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time I have friends who I see on a regular basis that I really want there with me!

eebjvs11

My fiance and I both have outrageously huge families... currently our guest list is up to 468 people... which is crazy!  I have had numerous people (ex-coworkers, ex-friends, ect.) send me emails and ask me in person, "So, am I invited or what?" It really blows my mind when they ask this and it's so completely awkward.  I even had someone I haven't seen or spoken to in 5 years email me to tell me "Don't worry, if I'm not invited to the wedding.  Our friendship means more to me than to be petty like that." - I worked with her for less than a year at a part time job and haven't seen her or spoken to her since.  Sometimes I just don't respond, sometimes I say things like, "Unfortunately, our families are so large that we had to make some tough decisions in order to stay within the budget and so we couldn't include everyone we would have liked.  It sucks but that's just the way it has to be."  After that, they usually get the idea.  I also plan on addressing the invitations ONLY to the people who are invited and creating a spot on the RSVP cards stating each guests name and a spot to check whether or not they will be attending so there is NO confusion. Ultimately though, sometimes you just have to be frank with people.

ktomlins1125

I have the same problem!!  My parents are devorced (my dad twice as a matter of fact) and remarried. This causes a VERY LARGE family tree. We are having about 250 people at our wedding, mostly all family.  My mom (who has helped me & my fiance pay for the wedding) and my Dad (who has not helped at all) both want to invite their friends.  I know a few of my mom's fairly well, and am concidering letting them come, but only after I get all the RSVPs back first. My mom understands that. My Dad, however, is a different story.  He has friends I have never met, or only met a few times, that he is telling them to come to the wedding. My dad didnt even put them on his list (mostly because he didnt fill it out), but will get upset with me once his friends dont receive their invites (invites went out a month ago, RSVPS are due 4/19).  I told dad that if he didnt put them on the list, I dont have their info, and they dont get an invite.  That doesnt seem to get through?? I saw one of his friends out this last weekend and they were telling me they cant wait for their invitation. Dad told them that they would all just ride up together.... (my wedding is in a different town).  I dont know how else to get through to them wiht out being rude.... HELP!

marcy42

In your case, I would agree with the suggestions about about finding a kind way to say they won't be invited. I also think you should spend the little extra money and consider doing the two envelope thing with the invitations. I think it might help make it clear.

And don't worry...you're not alone. A family friend who I haven't seen in like 5 years and was not on the list for the wedding posted a note on my Facebook page that said something like "I'd better get an invitation...I've known you since you were five." Um yeah. Seriously. We did decide to invite her as I didn't want to seem rude but it was one family so it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Good luck!

frieda fontaine

Love the idea of saying we have reserved ___ seats with this invit. Don't be surprised if they show up anyway though.You have to be nicely blunt to even hope someone won't decide to be rude.
I was in hot water at our wedding because it was an evening event and I didn't want children there. The $ per head wasn't for kids to nibble on a carrot-we had a brunch where everyone was invited the next day and I arranged babysitters with personal references in the hotel where the reception was. We decided that 10 and up could come and 2 nieces were guest book attendees,not what I wanted but it pleases SIL and they looked nice.
An Aunt brought 2 people but didn't say a word til we saw her luckily it was a buffet reception.Another friend brought a new date he met while visiting our wedding location-it's amazing what people will do.

ams21

I foresee that I will be in that boat also.  How about saying that there are so many wonderful people that are meaningful to the bride, groom and parents that it would be great to have them all there.  But due to venue size which has been selected due to B&G's wishes and the budget, that is not possible.  As the MOG handling tihis side, which lives in another part of the state as the bride's family and wedding location, I am handling location "gripes" by smiling and saying that it is their choice and the bride wants to be traditional and have it in the location she grew up and where her parents still live. 

CStarry

I am dealing with the same problem also. Except we are having a destination wedding in Vegas. As soon as my (not so close) friends found out it was like "Vegas BABY" and I just looked at them like what- I didn't invite you. I am just hoping they get the hint when they don't get an invite. Besides a lot of people say they will come to destination weddings but then never do. So I guess I'm okay! 

sdominguez

As the MOB we are having a similar issue with an Aunt/Uncle.  When they heard about the wedding the immediately called their 5 children (who are all married with children/grandchilder) an started making arrangements to use the wedding as a starting point the THEIR family vacation.  When I added up all the extra people in came to 30.  I really like the suggestion on the RSVP card of "We have reserved ___ seats in your honor."  I hope that will get the message across that only the adults in the family will be included, not the second, third and fourth cousins.

purplegirl29

I've had some issues with this too. I had one person tell me on facebook that they hope they're invited, and then someone from my church sent me an email offering to throw me a shower - and she wasn't even on the list! I felt bad, because I know she thinks she's invited, and my family was invited to all their kids' weddings, but I told her in my email response that we've had to limit the number of people we invite from church because of the number of family and trying to keep things small.  We did end up inviting the person from facebook though. We figured it was just one person, and her date, and I've known them both since elementary school, and we were pretty close in school. Still, it's so hard to draw the line and not offend people!

az1

I think that people who really want to be at your wedding should be included.  There will be others you want to attend who can't come for some reason.   You want people who are excited about celebrating with you, so find a way to invite those that express a desire to be there.

tarafic72

We are having a small affair, and we are paying for it ourselves.
Our saving grace is that since we knew each other twenty years ago and then parted for 16 years we are including those people that have had an active part in our relationship. The people who introduced us, our immediate families, our children and those with whom we socialize NOW on a regular basis.
However, since our wedding will be on New Year's Eve we are opening our doors to a New Year's BASH at 10:30p so that those that are interested in helping us ring our our new life together may do so without the extra monetary strain on us. We are also allowing our teenagers invite "a few" friends at that time as well so that they can also have fun and not feel "stuck" hanign out with us old people, LOL!!

bobowha

If the cousins you're not inviting are close to you in age, then it really is harsh to not invite them.  I can't imagine not inviting my first cousins!  I totally agree with you in standing firm about not inviting friends kids.

Yadyrra

This is such a great topic!!  I have had people whom have not spoken to me in months suddenly offer to "help with anything".  I mean, I only see this as their idea of being invited to the wedding.

All your advise will be helpful to me as well.

mrslafollette

We're experiencing the same thing right now...

 My "almost" hubby has a close but large circle of friends.. Long story short he stopped talking to one married couple because they owe him a large sum of money (and have for over 10 years now... all talk and no action when it comes to paying him back and "making it right") The problem is, the rest of the circle are still friends with this couple...

The wife keeps bringing it up to friends that ARE invited... The husband still showed up at my "almost" hubby's bachelor party even though he wasn't invited to that... So we're worried about them just showing up at our reception... We will have plenty of space and food, etc.... We just don't want them there... Any advice what to say to them?

krswan72

I'm waiting to start having issues with this, so far I'm in the clear. I like the "we have reserved___ number of seats in your honor" idea. Hang in there and just stand your ground while still being polite, I think that's your best bet.