Nervous Etiquette Question

jdede188

Need Advice!  Hubby to be and I both want both a destination wedding and wedding home.  However, we do not want to incur all of the expenses of both and really want the destination wedding to be about just us and the home wedding to be about family and friends.  We have a trip planned to an island and are thinking that we will get married in the islands just the 2 of us and then have another blessing and reception for family and friends at a later date. 

The question is... if I am already married can I still have a bridal shower before the second "wedding"?  I dont think there are any rules on this.   

I havent told my parents about this yet, not sure how it will go over but we will see....

Any input is helpful and appreciated.

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:db116072-f163-4a1a-9844-af66a895f817">Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Need Advice!  Hubby to be and I both want both a destination wedding and wedding home.  However, we do not want to incur all of the expenses of both and really want the destination wedding to be about just us and the home wedding to be about family and friends.  We have a trip planned to an island and are thinking that we will get married in the islands just the 2 of us and then have another blessing and reception for family and friends at a later date.  The question is... if I am already married can I still have a bridal shower before the second "wedding"?  I dont think there are any rules on this.    I havent told my parents about this yet, not sure how it will go over but we will see.... Any input is helpful and appreciated.
Posted by jdede188[/QUOTE]

You should be "nervous" about more than the bridal shower etiquette..........just sayin

FutureMrsTR

You can do whatever you want.  I would probably side eye someone who had a bridal shower before their vow renewal after they were already married.

Snippylynn

You can't have two.  You have one.  ONE.

I hate all this "I get two weddings!!11!" crap.  So much entitlement and people believeing they "need" shiit that they don't. 

If you want a destination wedding, have that.  If you want a home wedding, have that.  BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH.

Christ.  Half the time, I feel like I'm talking to a toddler who wants both his toy AND his friends.

wadingmoose

So.  Are you planning TWO ceremonies?  Or a DW and an at home reception?

But yeah, I wouldn't have a shower before the AHR.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:36136a55-7581-4c2e-ad93-5e36cab88583">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]You can't have two.  You have one.  ONE. I hate all this "I get two weddings!!11!" crap.  So much entitlement and people believeing they "need" shiit that they don't.  If you want a destination wedding, have that.  If you want a home wedding, have that.  BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH. Christ.  Half the time, I feel like I'm talking to a toddler who wants both his toy AND his friends.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

Well, I want your wine so gimme.

kikibaby

A shower after you are already married is ridiculous. 

marissa_claire

Yeah I never understand this.  My understanding, when we briefly considering eloping, is that you give up all the bells and whistles when you plan on doing a small DW with just close people there.  That means no bridal showers, no huge celebration, and no registries in my book.  I just don't think it's right to do both and try to get everything out of a regular wedding when you didn't want to include everyone in your special day in the first place. 

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:1a8aa4d7-90aa-4c9b-8924-add4a11695ec">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : Well, I want your wine so gimme.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

If only I had some right now. 

jdede188

Ok maybe I wasnt clear because I am nervous... thought this was a supportive place.  I will be MARRIED on the island and have the reception at home with a blessing so my friends and family can participate.  This is not gimmie gimmie gimmie.  But it could be if I wanted it to be - Im sure everyone here has planned what they want on their special day.

I was just wondering if it was ok to have a shower after the wedding, before the reception.

angiebear11

I'll never understand why the concept of two wedding is appealing to anyone.  Planning ONE wedding is hard enough, why the hell would anyone want to go through the trouble of planning another one on top of that. 

OP, do yourself a favor and just plan/have one wedding. 

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:95a49f4c-581d-4047-b135-1f30316f2f33">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : If only I had some right now. 
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]


It's only 9:30 here and I could really, really use one.

rknox88

I think gettting married on the island and then coming home and having a reception for family and friends is fine.

Two weddings is overkill and looks selfish as does the bridal shower thing.

I mean really, if you can throw yourself multiple weddings you can buy your own toaster.

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:d7024608-67f2-4b4d-8ebd-a14a19be1a8a">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok maybe I wasnt clear because I am nervous... thought this was a supportive place.  I will be MARRIED on the island and have the reception at home with a blessing so my friends and family can participate.  This is not gimmie gimmie gimmie.  But it could be if I wanted it to be - Im sure everyone here has planned what they want on their special day. <strong>I was just wondering if it was ok to have a shower after the wedding, before the reception.
</strong>Posted by jdede188[/QUOTE]

And... I said it was ridiculous, so I answered your question.  It's not ok. 

And you 'it could be if i wanted it to be' statement?  Grow the f up. 

mgietler76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:d7024608-67f2-4b4d-8ebd-a14a19be1a8a">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok maybe I wasnt clear because I am nervous... thought this was a supportive place.  I will be MARRIED on the island and have the reception at home with a blessing so my friends and family can participate.  <strong>This is not gimmie gimmie gimmie.  But it could be if I wanted it to be - Im sure everyone here has planned what they want on their special day</strong>. I was just wondering if it was ok to have a shower after the wedding, before the reception.
Posted by jdede188[/QUOTE]

So you do just want gifts? That is how it's coming across, it's tacky to have a shower AFTER you are married. And you shouldn't be planning one anyways, if it's offered you need to decline.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:d7024608-67f2-4b4d-8ebd-a14a19be1a8a">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok maybe I wasnt clear because I am nervous... thought this was a supportive place.  I will be MARRIED on the island and have the reception at home with a blessing so my friends and family can participate.  This is not gimmie gimmie gimmie.  But it could be if I wanted it to be - Im sure everyone here has planned what they want on their special day. I was just wondering if it was ok to have a shower after the wedding, before the reception.
Posted by jdede188[/QUOTE]


No it's not.

And, yeah, you can do whatever you want on your "special day," but most of the people around here did it without being rude.  Thus the name of the board:  Etiquette.

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:d7024608-67f2-4b4d-8ebd-a14a19be1a8a">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok maybe I wasnt clear because I am nervous...<strong> thought this was a supportive place.  </strong>I will be MARRIED on the island and have the reception at home with a blessing so my friends and family can participate.  This is not gimmie gimmie gimmie.  But it could be if I wanted it to be - Im sure everyone here has planned what they want on their special day. I was just wondering if it was ok to have a shower after the wedding, before the reception.
Posted by jdede188[/QUOTE]

The bolded part was your first mistake.  Why would anyone be supportive of such a silly idea?  

However, you've gotten good, solid advice:  don't have 2 weddings and don't have a shower after you're already married. 

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:d7024608-67f2-4b4d-8ebd-a14a19be1a8a">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok maybe I wasnt clear because I am nervous... thought this was a supportive place.  I will be MARRIED on the island and have the reception at home with a blessing so my friends and family can participate.  <strong>This is not gimmie gimmie gimmie.  But it could be if I wanted it to be - Im sure everyone here has planned what they want on their special day. I was just wondering if it was ok to have a shower after the wedding, before the reception.</strong>
Posted by jdede188[/QUOTE]
Niiiiiiice.  Brat badge secured.  I did plan "what I want" for my gaggarific "special day", but I didn't try to scrounge more gifts out of people by trying to be rude to those I love.

If you think you'll miss them at your wedding, then you shouldn't have a destination.  One or the other.

Wrkn925

Just don't have a second wedding.  And don't have a shower.

Have a destination wedding, then you can have an at home reception.  If people want to give gifts, they can bring gifts there.
Bridal showers are traditionally for people invited to the wedding, and these people are not going to be invited to the wedding.  So having a bridal shower is bad etiquette.

squirrly

All showers must take place before you are legally married.  Period.

Also, if you want to be married in private, do it.  If you want to celebrate with your friends and family, have a party.  But, I, personally, don't think much of AHRs after you elope.  It's one thing to have a DW, invite people, and have an AHR for the people who couldn't go.  It's entirely another to exclude people from your wedding and then have an AHR later anyway. 

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:e1fdbf5b-d066-4266-9d77-a56ca9a4f708">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]And lets face it.  You COULD choose to tap dance down the aisle naked with a monkey wedding party while throwing sand on your guests.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]
I'm so glad I haven't started planning my wedding, yet, because I'm totally using this idea. You don't mind, right?
Would it be weird if I used something else besides sand, though?



And, yeah, I would go with the bridal shower <em>before</em> you get married.

FutureMrsTR

It's bad etiquette to invite people to a bridal shower who aren't invited to the wedding.  You're not inviting anyone to your wedding (on the island).  Ergo, you would have anyone to invite to a shower.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:8df4d405-721f-4d7b-9de0-1aff7039f935">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : I'm so glad I haven't started planning my wedding, yet, because I'm totally using this idea. You don't mind, right? Would it be weird if I used something else besides sand, though? And, yeah, I would go with the bridal shower before you get married.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]


Go ahead, use whatever you want.  I hear that cheese in a can stuff may also work, but spraying whipped cream on your guests may work better with a bridal theme.

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:8df4d405-721f-4d7b-9de0-1aff7039f935">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : I'm so glad I haven't started planning my wedding, yet, because I'm totally using this idea. You don't mind, right? Would it be weird if I used something else besides sand, though? And, yeah, I would go with the bridal shower before you get married.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

May I suggest glitter?

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:d7024608-67f2-4b4d-8ebd-a14a19be1a8a">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]This is not gimmie gimmie gimmie.  But it could be if I wanted it to be - Im sure everyone here has planned what they want on their special day.
Posted by jdede188[/QUOTE]

<div>Sure it could be if you wanted it to be, but that wouldn't change the fact that it is completely tacky and gift grabby.</div><div>
</div><div>Because it really does sound like you are concerned about getting gifts.</div>

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:d3172a6a-8e72-4653-bfa4-521f10a20929">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]All showers must take place before you are legally married.  Period. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

<div>I have a friend that had a shower after her actual wedding and before her "other wedding". I know I'm not the only person who declined the invite because it was so ridiculous. </div>

andy71781

yeah this sounds like a horrible idea.  Here's a good idea - why don't you have a shower and then invited everybody at that shower to your WEDDING and then you'll be married!  Then you can get pregnant and have a baby shower - that's the only shower you can have after you are married.

cmmosley81

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:07b6ebbc-409b-4e5d-8f68-6552e8e3221f">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : Go ahead, use whatever you want.  I hear that cheese in a can stuff may also work, but spraying whipped cream on your guests may work better with a bridal theme.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]
 I think I would want them to throw cereal!!!! No joke tho my SIL told me my Fi said he wanted to have everyone throw Honeycombs and Corn Pops because I love cereal so much when I was pregnant it was all I ate for 9 months 

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:d3172a6a-8e72-4653-bfa4-521f10a20929">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]All showers must take place before you are legally married.  Period. Also, if you want to be married in private, do it.  If you want to celebrate with your friends and family, have a party.  But, I, personally, don't think much of AHRs after you elope.<strong>  It's one thing to have a DW, invite people, and have an AHR for the people who couldn't go.</strong>  It's entirely another to exclude people from your wedding and then have an AHR later anyway. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

I was in a wedding where the B&G did just this.  They got married where they lived (Va.) and then had a reception for her friends/family (in Tx.) that couldn't attend.  It was small and just finger foods, just come and go - almost like an open house.  She did wear her dress so people could see her in it - don't know if I would've gone that far, but it was her party.  I think that is perfectly acceptable.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:32758101-d48e-4d87-b96d-26c010b237df">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : I am not at all surprised by this.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

Ditto exactly. 

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:32758101-d48e-4d87-b96d-26c010b237df">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : I am not at all surprised by this.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]


You're not surprised that the mother appears to be ridiculously entitled?  I take it her daughter has also behaved that way?  Imagine that.