Nervous Etiquette Question

kikibaby

Amber, I really think you're on the wrong board. 

lisalou402

OP-bottom line, you can do whatever you want.  The problem is, you asked if it was OK.  People do things that aren't true etiquitte all the time, and sometimes it's side eye worthy, and sometimes it's grayer.

Every single person I know who got married had a shower thrown by the MOB.  This is considered poor etiquitte.  Did people still do it? Sure.  In our area did anyone side eye it? No.  But it's still bad etiquitte and if I asked the question, that's what I would be told here.

I have a question.

Why can't you send invites for the DW and Reception around the same time, and plan your shower before the DW.  This way, people know they will be invited to the reception, and that you will already be married.  Shower-Wedding Ceremony-Reception.  Easy order.

Squirrly, I think of you as a good judge of Etiquitte in my reading here, is something like that acceptable?

amber2123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:32758101-d48e-4d87-b96d-26c010b237df">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : I am not at all surprised by this.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

And I'm not at all surprised that you guys have your oppinions of what's right and wrong and have no qualms telling other people that they suck for having different views.  I'm also no surprised that you have an issue with me wanting my MOTHER to be there.  Was your mom at your's?

salt78

I'm so thankful that my mom managed to not act like such a drama queen when she couldn't get to my shower. 

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:38d15d47-c7a3-4dd9-9ff8-066e0c4ff910">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question :Was your mom at your's?
Posted by amber2123[/QUOTE]

<div>Nope. My mom lives out of state. </div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:d3172a6a-8e72-4653-bfa4-521f10a20929">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]All showers must take place before you are legally married.  Period. Also, if you want to be married in private, do it.  If you want to celebrate with your friends and family, have a party.  <strong>But, I, personally, don't think much of AHRs after you elope.  It's one thing to have a DW, invite people, and have an AHR for the people who couldn't go.  It's entirely another to exclude people from your wedding and then have an AHR later anyway. </strong>
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

I completely agree. Invite people to both. If you invite me to a picnic to celebrate the wedding I wasn't invited to, I'll be a little put off.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:36136a55-7581-4c2e-ad93-5e36cab88583">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]You can't have two.  You have one.  ONE. I hate all this "I get two weddings!!11!" crap.  So much entitlement and people believeing they "need" shiit that they don't.  If you want a destination wedding, have that.  If you want a home wedding, have that.  BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH. Christ.  Half the time, I feel like I'm talking to a toddler who wants both his toy AND his friends.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

I liked my wedding color scheme, but in reality, my favorite color is purple. I want another wedding where I get purple and blue flowers, thanks.

lisalou402

Salt, i have to question that respectfully.

We don't know anything about the poster or her mom.  Maybe she is an only child.  Maybe the mother lives out of the country.  Maybe siblings have passed away and this makes it all the more special.  Maybe there are 10 siblings and she's been to all of them but just couldn't make it. 

I don't think that because her mother wanted to be there means she was a drama queen.

kikibaby

My mom wasn't at mine, because I didn't have a shower.  Because I had a DW, by choice, with only a handful of guests.

And guess what?  Most of this isn't opinions, it's etiquette.  Check out the name of the board, as well as the subject of this post.  SURPRISE!

amber2123

Great...at least now I know that I need to tell my mom to STFU and TS to wanting to be at my shower.  Then will I not be so tacky?  Screw my mom, I need approval from a bunch of women I (hopefully) will never meet.

lisalou402

But her responses to everyone means that she is!  Sorry AMber!

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:556c6dc3-fba1-4f47-bddf-5862836ea80b">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Salt, i have to question that respectfully. We don't know anything about the poster or her mom.  Maybe she is an only child.  Maybe the mother lives out of the country.  Maybe siblings have passed away and this makes it all the more special.  Maybe there are 10 siblings and she's been to all of them but just couldn't make it.  I don't think that because her mother wanted to be there means she was a drama queen.
Posted by lisalou402[/QUOTE]

<div>And you also don't know about my personal situation with my own mother...such as I could be an only child or had a sibling that passed away or I only see her once a year. I stand by my comment.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: A shower is a party. And an unnecessary one at that. Lots of women don't even have a shower. I could see freaking out about her coming to the WEDDING, but a shower? That's just kind of stupid IMHO.</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:542f7de6-0147-4ce6-81c7-744c654c7093">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : I have a friend that had a shower after her actual wedding and before her "other wedding". I know I'm not the only person who declined the invite because it was so ridiculous. 
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

I'm sure you're not the only one who rolled her eyes at "other wedding."

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:38d15d47-c7a3-4dd9-9ff8-066e0c4ff910">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : And I'm not at all surprised that you guys have your oppinions of what's right and wrong and have no qualms telling other people that they suck for having different views.  I'm also no surprised that you have an issue with me wanting my MOTHER to be there. <strong> Was your mom at your's?</strong>
Posted by amber2123[/QUOTE]

No. I didn't have one. OMG, I guess I can have a re-do even though I'm married. I'm pretty free this weekend...

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:38d15d47-c7a3-4dd9-9ff8-066e0c4ff910">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : And I'm not at all surprised that you guys have your oppinions of what's right and wrong and have no qualms telling other people that they suck for having different views.  I'm also no surprised that you have an issue with me wanting my MOTHER to be there.  Was your mom at your's?
Posted by amber2123[/QUOTE]

Most of the advice given in this thread was not "opinion", but rather proper etiquette. I even said she could do whatever she wanted because she can.  But it doesn't mean other people aren't going to think it's rude.

My mom was at my shower.  It was important to her to be there and so she made an effort to come from North Carolina to be there, she didn't make everyone rearrange their schedules to fit hers.  I find it really hard to believe that in your <em>entire</em> planning time there wasn't ONE day your mom could be there other than the day after your wedding.

Snippylynn

So, Amber, are you going to tell us that our mom's don't love us because they didn't come to our showers?  Because my mom didn't come to mine either.  Actually, I didn't see her until an hour before my wedding.  I live out of the country, and my mom lives in GA, our wedding was in MI.  I didn't want to put any undue pressure on either herself or myself for her to attend the shower.  Actually, I didn't even want the darn thing, but she put it together from GA, but couldn't attend.  That's what grownups do.  Make sacrifices.

georgia_bride09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:d983a251-6ede-4f3a-9c29-1fd6ddccd425">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : No. I didn't have one. OMG, I guess I can have a re-do even though I'm married. I'm pretty free this weekend...
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Make it pot-luck so it's cheaper!

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:ee7f0535-420f-4bb6-94f5-cb61cc406308">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Great...at least now I know that I need to tell my mom to STFU and TS to wanting to be at my shower.  Then will I not be so tacky?  Screw my mom, I need approval from a bunch of women I (hopefully) will never meet.
Posted by amber2123[/QUOTE]

The thing is, if a bunch of women you've never met feel this way, then it's entirely possible that a bunch of women you have met and consider friends feel this way but are simply too polite to tell you so.  If a girlfriend invited me to her post-wedding shower, I would feel obligated to attend -- but I gaurantee by that point, I'd also be burnt out on her wedding and find the entire thing ridiculous. 

baystateapple

I can completely understand wanting to get married in private, just the two of you.  There have been many, many times during the planning stage when I've wished I could have scrapped our plans and just eloped, gotten married just the two of us on a beach somewhere.

What I can't understand is why, why, WHY you would ever want to go through all the trouble to have a "second wedding" when you are already married.  Put on an expensive show...when the entire purpose for it already happened somewhere else.  WHY?  And yes, it does sound like you want to have your cake and eat it too...so you can have more gifts.

I would not attend the bridal shower of a woman who was already married.  I've received two of those invites, and I've declined.  You are married, you are living together, and you are about to throw a "second wedding".  I don't think you need me to help set up your house.

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:1627ed90-7241-4fe8-8d77-b35ec98fac80">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]So, Amber, are you going to tell us that our mom's don't love us because they didn't come to our showers?  Because my mom didn't come to mine either.  Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

I don't think my mom knows that showers are customary in the US.  Even if I could somehow explain it to her ("somehow," because cry as I might, I never managed to explain why things like prom, high school yearbooks and grad night were customary either!), I think she'd find the entire thing foreign and awkward.

And yet, I'm pretty sure she'd cut anyone who insinuated that she didn't love me because of it.  :p

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:fe124f7f-6cac-4b88-a170-3b1dfda0a696">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE] I would not attend the bridal shower of a woman who was already married. <strong> I've received two of those invites</strong>, and I've declined.  You are married, you are living together, and you are about to throw a "second wedding".  I don't think you need me to help set up your house.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Really?!  People really do this that often?  That's so ridiculous.

FutureMrsTR

I love you Kiki.

If that is your family's situation, Amber, I'm sorry that you're all going through that.  But having the shower the day before or not having a shower at all would still be options. I would think with such grave circumstances surrounding your family, it would be even MORE clear that a shower is an unnecessary party and not what really matters in life.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:38d15d47-c7a3-4dd9-9ff8-066e0c4ff910">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : And I'm not at all surprised that you guys have your oppinions of what's right and wrong and have no qualms telling other people that they suck for having different views.  I'm also no surprised that you have an issue with me wanting my MOTHER to be there.  Was your mom at your's?
Posted by amber2123[/QUOTE]


1.  Etiquette is typically made up of rules, not gray areas.
2.  no.  She was not.  Nor was my brother's wife.  Life goes on.

lisalou402

Salt, it wasn't an attack on your own personal situation.  I myself have a mom who is deceased and it clouds how I respond.  But I honestly think it's sweet if her family supports it and no one in her circle side eyes it if they waited for her mother to be there.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:22e6ffca-02a6-4815-9c61-87ae6cd897f8">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Amber - If that's true, then I'm very sorry for your family's situation. If it was THAT important to my mother, then I would ask my MOH to move the shower to the day before the wedding, keep it low key, and lean on my FI to handle pre-wedding errands like fitting the groomsmen for kilts. 
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

I gotta agree with Celles. If it's that important to have your Mom there for your shower, then do it the day before the wedding. I'm sure you could squeeze a couple of hours out of that day to spend opening gifts and hanging with the women in your life. Why can't FI take the 8 men to get their kilts fitted? They are his GM correct?

I am curious to know if you plan on opening gifts you receive at the wedding at the shower, the day after the wedding (assuming you still go with this plan)? That seems strange to me knowing that people at showers normally witness their gifts being open. I'd also like to know if I was a guest at your wedding, then a guest at the shower the day after if I would be expected to bring a gift for each occasion? I just don't know how you would do this without confusing people.

Snippylynn

Oh for... Amber, I'm sorry for your situation, and yes, I'd make the shower so she could attend it.  But BEFORE the wedding.   Your FI supposedly isn't an idiot, and could handle some of the pre-wedding stuff.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:1fa573a0-c787-4b28-8368-8ad88bfa8ed1">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : If that were the situation,I'd probably skip having a shower altogether in order to spend the time with my little brother.  
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

<div>I also think this is a really valid point. If I were in this situation, I think a bridal shower would be about the last thing on my mind. </div>

sister2groom

I never understood wanting to have a private wedding and then another one. Why not just have a more conventional home wedding and then a really nice honeymoon? And you can informally renew your vows on some cool cliff at sunset and then it can just be the two of you, and not some random officiant.

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nervous-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8fd698e2-5d9f-4b55-8a8b-1f7d04bf1554Post:3dfa44f5-73a7-4d91-97a4-db7c5307416b">Re: Nervous Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Nervous Etiquette Question : I think her point is that everyone has stuff going on in their lives.  Amber isn't the only one who has ever had to deal with ill family members who live at great distances. Tragedy cards aren't considered good reasons to be rude.  It sucks, but first off, how do you even know it's true.  I could make up all kinds of awful things happening in my life to justify bad behaviour, but I don't.  Nor do most people here.  We just deal with it as best we can and move on.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

I walked away right after I posted that, and really, I agree with the <em>sentiment</em> behind the statement.  Just not the delivery.

And I agree with everything you said too, Moose. :)

emilyinchile

For the record, Amber, if you and your family and friends are all over the moon about having the shower the day after the wedding, then fine. No one is saying that makes you a horrible person.

But this is the ETIQUETTE board. People respond with what is correct, and if you choose to do something that is technically not correct, don't expect people to applaud you for your decision. I mean really, this is not a hard concept to grasp.