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Wedding Etiquette Forum
ndjd4ever
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Guest List Issues: I did a bad thing! Help!
The month after we first got engaged while still living in excitement of the moment, I sent out messages on Facebook that read "I am starting to work on the guest list for our wedding. May I have your address please?" to some people who are probably not going to make it into the final cut of our guest list! Ugh! I know... what was I thinking?! I was excited and spreading the word, but didn't realize just how many people I sent messages to. So now we have to get the guest count down to under 300 total and I don't want to offend anyone in the process, especially not people who took the request for an address as an actual invitation (which is was not meant to be). I don't know what to do, nor the polite way to do it!
Since the wedding is 8 months from the date I sent out the messages, will people maybe just forget if I don't mention it? Wishful thinking, I know, but we're talking about people I seldom see in person and maybe haven't actually spoken to in over a year who I was close with at one time or another in my life. Yet, one of these unfortunate souls sent me a message updating their address just the other day. Should I say anything at all? A condolence message explaining the situation? Please, I need help digging myself out of this hole, lol! Any advice is welcome!!!
Since the wedding is 8 months from the date I sent out the messages, will people maybe just forget if I don't mention it? Wishful thinking, I know, but we're talking about people I seldom see in person and maybe haven't actually spoken to in over a year who I was close with at one time or another in my life. Yet, one of these unfortunate souls sent me a message updating their address just the other day. Should I say anything at all? A condolence message explaining the situation? Please, I need help digging myself out of this hole, lol! Any advice is welcome!!!
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Re: Guest List Issues: I did a bad thing! Help!
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That was kind of a major etiquette error, I'm afraid, and I don't think there's a good or easy way to handle the fallout. Your friends are expecting to be invited - you might as well have sent them a save-the-date.
How many people are you talking about un-inviting, here? Is it one or two people/families, or a whole bunch?
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Planning!.....Married!
[QUOTE]How many people are you talking about un-inviting, here? Is it one or two people/families, or a whole bunch?
Posted by LadyArkham[/QUOTE]
Just for the record, I know I messed up bigtime! I'm totally mortified!
We're talking like 40-50 people, which is equivalent to around $2,500.00 plus! It's not like I'm just being cranky and want to kick 10 people off the list just because... These are people that wouldn't invite ME to their wedding if they were in my situation, trust me. With the way the economy is now, you really think people would not understand the dilema? Plus, my Groom's not having it! Bad etiquette or not, he doesn't get it no matter how much I stress how important the 'wedding etiquette rules' are. I really wish there was another solution!
I know you understand you've messed up, so I won't go back and reiterate that.
You're kind of stuck with a few options:
1) Invite them. Change what you need to about venue and budget to make room for them. Possibly cut kids, plus ones, etc. from existing list.
2) Don't invite them, and contact them by phone or email to apologize. Still rude, but you might salvage part of the situation with some of the people. Unfortunately, you can't use the "we're having an intimate wedding with just our closest friends and family" excuse with a 300 person guest list.
3) Don't invite them and don't mention it to them. This may be relationship-ending.
4) Invite them to just the ceremony, and not the reception. This is also very rude - I'll leave it to more experienced Etiquette knotties to judge whether it's ruder than not inviting them at all? I honestly don't know.
[QUOTE]The month after we first got engaged while still living in excitement of the moment, I sent out messages on Facebook that read "I am starting to work on the guest list for our wedding. May I have your address please?" to some people who are probably not going to make it into the final cut of our guest list! Ugh! I know... what was I thinking?! I was excited and spreading the word, but didn't realize just how many people I sent messages to. So now we have to get the guest count down to under 300 total and I don't want to offend anyone in the process, especially not people who took the request for an address as an actual invitation (which is was not meant to be). I don't know what to do, nor the polite way to do it! Since the wedding is 8 months from the date I sent out the messages, will people maybe just forget if I don't mention it? Wishful thinking, I know, but we're talking about people I seldom see in person and maybe haven't actually spoken to in over a year who I was close with at one time or another in my life. Yet, one of these unfortunate souls sent me a message updating their address just the other day. Should I say anything at all? A condolence message explaining the situation? Please, I need help digging myself out of this hole, lol! Any advice is welcome!!!
<p>Posted by ndjd4ever[/QUOTE]</p><p>Other option: suck it up and formally invite the people you've informally invited already. Either that, or prepare to cut your losses in those friendships.</p>
Books read in 2012: 21/50
[QUOTE]By the way, it's annoying that not a single option on your poll is the correct one, which would be "Deal with my mistake by inviting those guests to the wedding as I had promised."
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]
<div>This totally what I was thinking. </div><div>
Sorry OP, you're stuck inviting them. If they receive an invite and say "hmmm we haven't spoke in 2 years..." maybe they won't come. But you should still invite them if you said you would. And while you said it will be 8 months between the time you asked for addresses and when the actual wedding is ... well, since they're your facebook friends - they'll still see you on their newsfeed and be reminded that you're getting married, so you can't really avoid that. Plus, some people send STDS 6 months - 1 year from their wedding. They could have assumed that this was their STD. </div>
If you come out and admit your mistake, people will probably be forgiving, but if you don't keep your word people and don't acknowledge the verbal invite you gave, it'll probably upset them and do some damage to the friendship. And if you do resort to cutting these people you gave verbal invites to, I would personally start planning some kind of hosted dinner/event soon after you're married to further apologize for your mistake to at least make some attempt to make it better and to catch up.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest List Issues: I did a bad thing! Help! : Just for the record, I know I messed up bigtime! I'm totally mortified! We're talking like 40-50 people, which is equivalent to around $2,500.00 plus! It's not like I'm just being cranky and want to kick 10 people off the list just because... These are people that wouldn't invite ME to their wedding if they were in my situation, trust me. <strong>With the way the economy is now</strong>, you really think people would not understand the dilema? Plus, my Groom's not having it! Bad etiquette or not, he doesn't get it no matter how much I stress how important the 'wedding etiquette rules' are. I really wish there was another solution!
Posted by ndjd4ever[/QUOTE]
Newsflash: the global economic crisis is generally agreed to be over. Can we stop using this excuse now? If you're going to be rude, don't try to blame it on the economy any more than you would blame it on the weather.
And no, I don't think people would understand the dilemma because what you're proposing is really, really not ok. It doesn't matter whether or not these people would invite you.
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otherwise, if it was just a general gathering of addresses, no one has technically been invited IMO (although the could surely think they will be), unless it was an official save the date post. im not sure asking for an address = an invite.
its defintiely a screw up and its awkward, but im not sure there's really an etiquette violation here.
Someone did this to my sister recently. She asked my sister for her address so she could send an invitation for her wedding on July ##.
My sister sent her address and saved the date on her calendar. Months went by and no invitation arived. She turned down going on a trip with other friends because she had a wedding to attend. A month before the wedding, with no invitation, she called the friend to see if the invitation got lost in the mail... No repsonse . My sister emailed, and called a few times... No response.
My sister did not attend the wedding, but by the time she figured out she really wasn't invited, she couldn't get plane tickets to go on vacation with other friends, and was left feeling hurt and foolish.
Example: Hey so and so. We are compiling our guest list for the wedding and we need your updated address = invitation. Wedding + address in same paragraph = invitation.
Hey so and so. How are you doing? I hope all is well, blah blah blah... oh, by the way, I was wondering if you have an updated address you could give me =/= invitation since wedding and address were not used together in the same paragraph.
[QUOTE]By the way, it's annoying that not a single option on your poll is the correct one, which would be "Deal with my mistake by inviting those guests to the wedding as I had promised."
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]
This. I picked the last one, because this is your only real option. Unless you want to be flat-out rude.
You've invited them to the wedding. If you go back on it now (even if you say, "sorry, with the economy as it is...but we're still inviting 300 others), be prepared to lose friends.
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[QUOTE]Money, I know that a lot of individuals are still suffering, but like you said in more academic/objective terms it seems the consensus is that we are no longer in an economic crisis. Doesn't mean everyone has bounced back, but I feel like people are just still using that excuse because it was convenient for a few years rather than because it necessarily has anything to do with their reality, and it drives me crazy.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
I agree with you 100%!
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lol I don't know I'd say your pretty stuck here. IF these are relationships that you'd like to keep up after your wedding you need to invite them. If they are relationships you can do without, don't say another word on facebook and then don't send an invite but be ready for the negative reactions when they find out what happened.
October 13, 2012