Wording for a No-Kids Wedding

NYCMercedes

@southernbelle0915 Good pickup! Yes, there are tons of noob's who are planning on being rude to their honored guests.

daveANDkristen

southernbelle0915 said:

I'm not "concerned" it's many people's first post - I'm glad more people are getting involved. It just strikes me as odd since I've never seen so may first-time posters post in one day, about one issue, all agreeing on the same thing. It's very unusual. I never said I was more knowledgeable, but I did state a fact: it is rude to say who IS NOT invited on any type of invitation. This is not a matter of opinion. It's a fact.

http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/your-day/601-kids-or-no-kids

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/06/AR2007030601881.html

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/telling-guests-its-18-and-over.aspx?cm_ven=Responsys&cm_cat=KnotStages&cm_pla=Stage_09&cm_ite=-1

You may be of the opinion that you don't CARE if it's rude, but that's different. Usually, it's not wise to advise people to do rude things - especially when there are brides who have no idea what they're doing, they want to treat their guests properly and they want good advice on how to do it. If you don't care how you treat your guests, fine. Whatever. But most people do want to treat their guests according to etiquette and they want good advice on how to do so. Telling someone to do something that is considered against etiquette doesn't help anyone.

luckicharms

0.o

I guess I live in a savage land of rudeness because here in western PA, it's common practice for us to put a notice in the invitations if it's to be an adult only event. It's considered rude if you omit someone's name from the invitation without an explanation. Parents who only receive an invite with just their names and not their child's may wonder if it's only their kid who isn't invited. Clarifying in the invitation relieves any confusion for all the guests in the sense of “who”, “why” and/or “did they just forget Little Johnny?”.  <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I don’t care about what is and isn’t etiquette in the old world of invitations, that simply doesn’t apply to the rest of the world anymore.

banana468

luckicharms said:

0.o

I guess I live in a savage land of rudeness because here in
western PA, it's common practice for us to put a notice in the invitations if
it's to be an adult only event. It's considered rude if you omit someone's name
from the invitation without an explanation. Parents who only receive an invite
with just their names and not their child's may wonder if it's only their kid
who isn't invited. Clarifying in the invitation relieves any confusion for all
the guests in the sense of “who”, “why” and/or “did they just forget Little Johnny?”.
 <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I don’t care about what is and isn’t etiquette in the old
world of invitations, that simply doesn’t apply to the rest of the world
anymore.

Again, you can dislike what is proper etiquette but it certainly DOES apply. You're not following it and that's your choice.

PolarBearFitz

Different geographical locations have different traditions and requirements when it comes to the world of socially acceptable rules/guidelines. Some things acceptable here are not there and so on. Everyone seems to be full of rock solid statements of what they know to be acceptable which is all really a matter of opinion. I know of a lot of places where it is entirely rude to leave a guest questioning if children are invited and places where it is rude to state who isn't invited.

I myself would lean toward just placing the invitees names on the invitation and giving a follow-up call if necessary. It's just a lot more personable and will leave you and your guest on the same page.

At the end of the day there are plenty of things to figure out and stress about for a wedding. Kids or no kids is your decision and how you choose to communicate that to your guests is up to you. Your wedding is in fact a reflection of you and your 'soon to be' so your guests will expect things your way. Most will be understanding and just happy to be invited to your big day.

LDubHawksFan

I only made it page 4 but wtf?!!!!! What is with the takeover by new brides chiming in witg their rude ideas. Southernbride picked up on it...is this another move for this weeks ban hammer??

Thank you to the regs who tried. You have far more patience than I.

banana468

aefitz29 said:

Different geographical locations have different traditions and requirements when it comes to the world of socially acceptable rules/guidelines. Some things acceptable here are not there and so on. Everyone seems to be full of rock solid statements of what they know to be acceptable which is all really a matter of opinion. I know of a lot of places where it is entirely rude to leave a guest questioning if children are invited and places where it is rude to state who isn't invited.

I myself would lean toward just placing the invitees names on the invitation and giving a follow-up call if necessary. It's just a lot more personable and will leave you and your guest on the same page.

At the end of the day there are plenty of things to figure out and stress about for a wedding. Kids or no kids is your decision and how you choose to communicate that to your guests is up to you. Your wedding is in fact a reflection of you and your 'soon to be' so your guests will expect things your way. Most will be understanding and just happy to be invited to your big day.

Truly you have a dizzying intellect.

PolarBearFitz

And a love of Princess Bride quotes but not for cattiness...explaining how not to be rude to others by being rude is really just oxymoronic behavior.

KBM082814

I didn't get a chance to go through all of the responses...but I hope this idea might be an option for you. Here in my home town we have a place that holds weekly wedding workshops and on the "invitations" night we talked about etiquitte for invitations. They said you NEVER state "adult only" "no kids" etc. 

One way to avoid this is by putting only the guests you are inviting on the envelope, then inside on the RSVP card you state:

___ seats have been reserved in your name

___ will be attending

You can play around with the way you word it, but once you say how many seats are reserved for them, there is no way to go above that number.

For the singles that you are allowing to bring a guest, their envelop will have their name on the envelope, but inside it will say:

__2__ seats have been reserved in your name

That way they can RSVP as 1 or 2 if they chose to come alone or bring a guest. (But they can't bring more than one guests because only 2 total seats are reserved in their name.)

I hope that makes sense and that it helps.

-Kayla

daveANDkristen

aefitz29 said:

And a love of Princess Bride quotes but not for cattiness...explaining how not to be rude to others by being rude is really just oxymoronic behavior.

Yeah, I don't care about being rude to strangers on the internet.  I DO care about being rude to my friends and family. 

 

 

PolarBearFitz

daveANDkristen said:

aefitz29 said:

And a love of Princess Bride quotes but not for cattiness...explaining how not to be rude to others by being rude is really just oxymoronic behavior.

Yeah, I don't care about being rude to strangers on the internet.  I DO care about being rude to my friends and family. 

 

 

You sound like a lovely person.

banana468

aefitz29 said:

And a love of Princess Bride quotes but not for cattiness...explaining how not to be rude to others by being rude is really just oxymoronic behavior.

You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

PolarBearFitz

banana468 said:

And a love of Princess Bride quotes but not for cattiness...explaining how not to be rude to others by being rude is really just oxymoronic behavior.

You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

INCONCEIVABLE!

daveANDkristen

aefitz29 said:

Different geographical locations have different traditions and requirements when it comes to the world of socially acceptable rules/guidelines. Some things acceptable here are not there and so on. Everyone seems to be full of rock solid statements of what they know to be acceptable which is all really a matter of opinion. I know of a lot of places where it is entirely rude to leave a guest questioning if children are invited and places where it is rude to state who isn't invited.

I agree with your basic premise.  It's one thing if we're talking about what is appropriate in another country, though.  What gets me is people who say "I'm from the midwest and it's fine!  Everybody does it and I will too!".  As I said, I'm also from the Midwest and I can't recall that ever being printed on a wedding invitation that I received.  Most of the weddings I've been to have been adults only/very few children too.  I like to err on the side of propriety since everyone obviously has a different experience/viewpoint on the issue.

ETA: removing an extra word

PolarBearFitz

daveANDkristen said:

aefitz29 said:

Different geographical locations have different traditions and requirements when it comes to the world of socially acceptable rules/guidelines. Some things acceptable here are not there and so on. Everyone seems to be full of rock solid statements of what they know to be acceptable which is all really a matter of opinion. I know of a lot of places where it is entirely rude to leave a guest questioning if children are invited and places where it is rude to state who isn't invited.

I agree with your basic premise.  It's one thing if we're talking about what is appropriate in another country, though.  What gets me is people who say "I'm from the midwest and it's fine!  Everybody does it and I will too!".  As I said, I'm also from the Midwest and I can't recall that ever being printed on a wedding invitation that I received.  Most of the weddings I've been to have been adults only/very few children too.  I like to err on the side of propriety since everyone obviously has a different experience/viewpoint on the issue.

ETA: removing an extra word

I can respect that.

lizabelle1217

alisonmarie658 said:

@maggie0829 -- you are a saint.

Regardless of how much you argue, bunch of angry newbie posters who seem to have come out of the woodwork, the fact of the matter is that putting "adults only" or ANY VERSION THEREOF on anything wedding related is inappropriate. We can't stop you from breaking etiquette and subtly insulting the intelligence of your guests, but be prepared for your guests to laugh at you behind your backs.

I really think it's hysterical that you refer to people "insulting their guests' intelligence," when you are blatantly insulting the intelligence of anyone that dares to go against "etiquette."

Out dated etiquette is not the end all and be all. Flame me if you wish, but get over it and yourself.

banana468

Why is etiquette outdated?

lizabelle1217

Maybe outdated is the incorrect word. Perhaps "not as required as it once was" is a better way of putting it. I understand that some people believe that writing a certain phrase, i.e. "Adults Only, Please," or some other such note is rude because it goes against etiquette. However, as many others have stated (n00bs/first time posters or not), etiquette is different all over the world and even within different areas of the US.

Yes, maybe this is the first time I have ever posted on the Knot, but the lack of respect all around, from both sides (and yes, I'm even referring to myself, because I got so frustrated that I lashed out unnecessarily), has really discouraged me from returning to these boards seeking advice...

Yes, I'll write something on our invitations or our website indicating who is not invited to the Zebra and Turtle wedding affair to remember (AKA our wedding). 

No, this does not make me a "Bridezilla" nor my man a "Groomzilla."

This makes me realistic.

daveANDkristen

lizabelle1217 said:

I really think it's hysterical that you refer to people "insulting their guests' intelligence," when you are blatantly insulting the intelligence of anyone that dares to go against "etiquette."

Out dated etiquette is not the end all and be all. Flame me if you wish, but get over it and yourself.

As I said earlier, and I'm sure @alisonmarie658 would agree - I don't give a shit about being polite on the internet.  I came TK originally when I got engaged to learn about etiquette and to talk about DIY stuff.  I learned soo much from the knowledgeable people here. 

I personally don't care if anyone here commits a faux pas.  I stick around because I like the majority of the posters and I offer advice or just chime in when I please.  What I find irritating about this thread are the countless ladies who post "Everyone I know does it and will actually THANK me for doing the same!  Just because you disagree doesn't mean I'm wrong!".  If you want to know what the polite, etiquette approved way of doing something is, great.  If you say "eh, I don't like that way, etiquette be damned!", fine.  But don't try to convince me that propriety is up for debate just because it's "your day".

MuppetOverlord

This post contains some of the worst advice I've read since joining in 2006.

Address the invitation to those who are invited. If they add someone on the reply card, contact them to advise it is an adult only event.

To those who responded that they are personally okay with "adults only" written on an invitation, that's fine for you, but it's still rude whether you're okay with it or not.

To those who have guests that are so rude that they are going to bring their kids anyway, you have rude guests. Either don't invite them or make phone call and find out though casual conversation.

And to whoever was sending a note to all the people with kids explaining why their kids aren't invited... please don't, for your sake.

mrsallegretto

Wow!  Super rude!

MobKaz

kruithof0311 said:

Omg so many of you sound soooo self richeous! And what is wrong with first time posters? That means they are probably getting married, and joined the site for info (and are not still trolling the site after five years) ... Pull that wooden object out of your you-know-what. If you don't want kids at your wedding, take your specific families into consideration, and figure ou a way to state this on the invite. Why set yourself up for many additional phone calls to "explain" the situation. I work full time and don't have endless hours to toil over tasks that are not necessary. I put on my invitation "adults only reception" after verbally spreading the word first, and added on my website that babysitting could be arranged at the hotel if needed and I would be glad to set that up, and guess what? No one was mad or thought that "rude"! The parents ended up telling me they were glad to have a night away, and me arranging the babysitting let it be stress-free, and the children had fun together also. If you don't have anything helpful to say, then keep you snotty/sarcastic undertone posts to your self!

southernbelle0915

lizabelle1217 said:

Maybe outdated is the incorrect word. Perhaps "not as required as it once was" is a better way of putting it. I understand that some people believe that writing a certain phrase, i.e. "Adults Only, Please," or some other such note is rude because it goes against etiquette. However, as many others have stated (n00bs/first time posters or not), etiquette is different all over the world and even within different areas of the US. I'm all about learning about etiquette outside the US and inside the US - it helps when answering questions people have. Can you please show me a REPUTABLE source from another country (or the US) where it says "You should write 'adults only' or some such phrase so that your guests because otherwise, they will not know who is invited." If you can find me anything that says something like that from a respected source like Emily Post or Miss Manners from another country, then I'm all ears. My guess? You can't. You're trying to use "culture" or "region" as an excuse because you think your guests are too stupid to read an invitation. Wherever you're from, I bet there's someone here on TK from the same area code who would tell you this is horribly rude. 

Yes, maybe this is the first time I have ever posted on the Knot, but the lack of respect all around, from both sides (and yes, I'm even referring to myself, because I got so frustrated that I lashed out unnecessarily), has really discouraged me from returning to these boards seeking advice... People are allowed to disagree with you. Especially if what you're saying is bad etiquette. You also don't get to tell people to "get over themselves" and their "fembot etiquette books" and then preach respect. Sorry, but it goes both ways.

Yes, I'll write something on our invitations or our website indicating who is not invited to the Zebra and Turtle wedding affair to remember (AKA our wedding). 

No, this does not make me a "Bridezilla" nor my man a "Groomzilla."

This makes me realistic. I wouldn't say realistic, but I would say rude. 

NYCMercedes

Maybe it's not where you were raised, but how you were raised.

MobKaz

KBM082814 said:

I didn't get a chance to go through all of the responses...but I hope this idea might be an option for you. Here in my home town we have a place that holds weekly wedding workshops and on the "invitations" night we talked about etiquitte for invitations. They said you NEVER state "adult only" "no kids" etc. 

One way to avoid this is by putting only the guests you are inviting on the envelope, then inside on the RSVP card you state:

___ seats have been reserved in your name

___ will be attending

You can play around with the way you word it, but once you say how many seats are reserved for them, there is no way to go above that number.

For the singles that you are allowing to bring a guest, their envelop will have their name on the envelope, but inside it will say:

__2__ seats have been reserved in your name

That way they can RSVP as 1 or 2 if they chose to come alone or bring a guest. (But they can't bring more than one guests because only 2 total seats are reserved in their name.)

I hope that makes sense and that it helps.

-Kayla

KBM082814 said:

I didn't get a chance to go through all of the responses...but I hope this idea might be an option for you. Here in my home town we have a place that holds weekly wedding workshops and on the "invitations" night we talked about etiquitte for invitations. They said you NEVER state "adult only" "no kids" etc. 

One way to avoid this is by putting only the guests you are inviting on the envelope, then inside on the RSVP card you state:

___ seats have been reserved in your name

___ will be attending

You can play around with the way you word it, but once you say how many seats are reserved for them, there is no way to go above that number.

For the singles that you are allowing to bring a guest, their envelop will have their name on the envelope, but inside it will say:

__2__ seats have been reserved in your name

That way they can RSVP as 1 or 2 if they chose to come alone or bring a guest. (But they can't bring more than one guests because only 2 total seats are reserved in their name.)

I hope that makes sense and that it helps.

-Kayla

meaganlhd

Meagan831 - First I love how your name is spelled. (Mine is the same.)

I've never left a reply on a post before but wanted to thank you for your post.  

I have been raised to be very polite but did not know that there is an etiquette rule regarding stating that it is an adult affair on the invite. As I read this post trail though, I became memorized by how passionately some people felt about this and then horrified at some of the responses.  I think your reply was similar to what I felt, albeit probably worded better.

I feel like some etiquette rules are similar to acceptable words.  Growing up, I remember teachers telling classmates that "ain't" was not in the dictionary and thus was not a word.  Now it is in the dictionary and by their rationale, now a word.  I will never use it.  But I don't cringe when others do. Different things are acceptable to different people and sometimes I do not like what is acceptable to someone else but overall our differences are a good thing.  They make cultures and people more interesting.  

Congrats to all the engaged people on this post!

Oh, based on some of the previous posts and replied I have read on here.  If anyone feels that I am wrong about something and needs to tell me, I want to preemptively say - you are welcome to your opinion.  I am welcome to mine.  And I will not have a back-and-forth conversation about who is right or wrong.

NYCBruin

What is happening here?!?

Two questions for the mysteriously multiplying newbs:

1. For these weddings that "people just show up at" how does that work when children are "presumed invited" and the couple does want them there. If a family has six children and the parents RSVP with only themselves, what's the typical protocol for the happy couple that does want the kids there? Do they assume all six are coming, none are coming, some are coming? I'm serious. If this is a real thing, I'd love for someone to explain how seating charts and ordering food works at these events. Because this type of event sounds like such a logistical nightmare I feel like its a made up thing.

2. Do you also plan on indicating who else isn't invited to your wedding on your invitations? Why stop at children? "No co-workers please" "no neighbors please" "no ex-lovers of the bride or groom please"

MuppetOverlord

 

meaganlhd said:

Meagan831 - First I love how your name is spelled. (Mine is the same.)

I've never left a reply on a post before but wanted to thank you for your post.  

I have been raised to be very polite but did not know that there is an etiquette rule regarding stating that it is an adult affair on the invite. As I read this post trail though, I became memorized by how passionately some people felt about this and then horrified at some of the responses.  I think your reply was similar to what I felt, albeit probably worded better.

I feel like some etiquette rules are similar to acceptable words.  Growing up, I remember teachers telling classmates that "ain't" was not in the dictionary and thus was not a word.  Now it is in the dictionary and by their rationale, now a word.  I will never use it.  But I don't cringe when others do. Different things are acceptable to different people and sometimes I do not like what is acceptable to someone else but overall our differences are a good thing.  They make cultures and people more interesting.  

Congrats to all the engaged people on this post!

Oh, based on some of the previous posts and replied I have read on here.  If anyone feels that I am wrong about something and needs to tell me, I want to preemptively say - you are welcome to your opinion.  I am welcome to mine.  And I will not have a back-and-forth conversation about who is right or wrong.

We certainly are welcome to our own opinions and sure, diversity makes the world interesting.

I think the point that people are missing is that etiquette is about being a proper host and not being rude to your guests. When people ignore the rules, regardless of what their personal opinion is on the rule, they are being rude and are risk offending their guests.

People make assumptions that these breaches are acceptable in their circle because they've seen others do it, or they don't think it's rude....It's still rude, they just aren't personally bothered by it. However, their other guests may be offended and the host will probably never no because the guests are more polite then the hosts are and don't say anything.

So our goal isn't to be tit for tat or to win or to bash anyone, it's to let you know that hey, you're violating etiquette and you are potentially going to offend your guests. It's hard to give people advice indicating something is acceptable when it leads to improper hosting. 

 

 

EmrysM

I  couldn't begin to  see my wedding (9-20-2014) with out kids there. I  was always told tradition says if there are children in the wedding  party then children are allowed at the wedding if not  then it was who was on the invitation. Never the less I have  my niece as my flower girl and my nephew as my  ring bearer so children are more then welcome at mine.  They are family just like their parents so  why not invite them. Can make for some really great candid wedding pics.

KaylinSP

Wow! A fellow bride asking for some simple advice turned into this?? Ladies, I know YOU probably know how to throw the classiest wedding around, but you don't have to be snobby about it. 

I'm absolutely thrilled to be getting married, all of my friends and family are thrilled for me, and I don't know a single person who would genuinely get so hung up on the wording of "no kids". That seams so silly to me. I understand etiquette, I do. But a lot of you ladies preaching etiquette are being incredibly rude yourselves. 

Ya'll need to chill. 

Love to all of my fellow brides! 
Good luck on the no kids thing!