Wording for a No-Kids Wedding

missangelinamiley

Hello all!

Just wanted to write I had the same question as OP and got my answer to it pages ago and thanks to all the posters who helped me figure it out.  While it may get lost in the shuffle I have a few new comments on putting wording onto invites to advise 'no children.'

1. It takes up space on an invitation that should be as succinct as possible.

2. The message doesn't apply to everyone.

3. I think it's infinitely more thoughtful to advise how many seats have been reserved for the invitee so they're not trying to figure out if their 11 yr old (or whatever age) is acceptable or not.

4. I would think it's rude to someone with kids receiving an invite with 'no kids' splashed across it because it seems like a thoughtless thing to do.  When you actually hand write to Mr. and Mrs. So and So that there are 2 seats reserved for them it lets them know that you are aware of their family but during this event you-the "inviter" would like only the adults to attend.

That just seems like the classiest thing to do, don't dance around the issue, and don't put frivolous info on an invitation.

~Anjo

eta

jjaramil

1) it's YOUR wedding, if you feel strongly about no children allowed, and you want to avoid awkward conversations, don't let anyone make you feel bad about putting "Adults Only" on the invitation. 2) there are plenty of perfectly sweet parents who would think nothing of bringing their child if an invite is addressed to only Mr. And Mrs. 3) I did like the idea of putting the names of people with the menu options and no additional guest lines. If you have Guest #_____ you are opening your invite up to have people added. Good luck and congrats!!!

NYCMercedes

missangelinamiley said:

Hello all!

Just wanted to write I got my answer on this question pages ago and thanks to all the posters who helped me figure it out.  While it may get lost in the shuffle I have a few new comments on putting wording onto invites to advise 'no children.'

1. It takes up space on an invitation that should be as succinct as possible.

2. The message doesn't apply to everyone.

3. I think it's infinitely more thoughtful to advise how many seats have been reserved for the invitee so they're not trying to figure out if their 11 yr old (or whatever age) is acceptable or not.

4. I would think it's rude to someone with kids receiving an invite with 'no kids' splashed across it because it seems like a thoughtless thing to do.  When you actually hand write to Mr. and Mrs. So and So that there are 2 seats reserved for them it lets them know that you are aware of their family but during this event you-the "inviter" would like only the adults to attend.

That just seems like the classiest thing to do, don't dance around the issue, and don't put frivolous info on an invitation.

~Anjo

Wonderful! Have fun!

Xstatic3333

rel="missangelinamiley">Hello all!

Just wanted to write I got my answer on this question pages ago and thanks to all the posters who helped me figure it out.  While it may get lost in the shuffle I have a few new comments on putting wording onto invites to advise 'no children.'

1. It takes up space on an invitation that should be as succinct as possible.

2. The message doesn't apply to everyone.

3. I think it's infinitely more thoughtful to advise how many seats have been reserved for the invitee so they're not trying to figure out if their 11 yr old (or whatever age) is acceptable or not.

4. I would think it's rude to someone with kids receiving an invite with 'no kids' splashed across it because it seems like a thoughtless thing to do.  When you actually hand write to Mr. and Mrs. So and So that there are 2 seats reserved for them it lets them know that you are aware of their family but during this event you-the "inviter" would like only the adults to attend.

That just seems like the classiest thing to do, don't dance around the issue, and don't put frivolous info on an invitation.

~Anjo

I heard about this crazy thread earlier today and just finally got through it. Cheers to you OP; you've got a great plan and I'm sure your wedding will be lovely. To Maggie, banana, and the rest fighting the good fight, I envy your patience! Well done!

MrsYeagleyESQ

I wrote on the bottom of the invitation:

"While we love our younger family members,
We request that this be an adults only affair."

Hopefully it suffices, but at the end of the day, your family and friends need to learn to temper their selfishness and recognize that if you want to party all night, that's your prerogative.  My FH and I know we are upsetting about 6 cousins each, but plan to talk to them individually should their opinions start to become a family circular in the next year.

MobKaz

MrsYeagleyESQ said:

I wrote on the bottom of the invitation:

"While we love our younger family members,
We request that this be an adults only affair."

Hopefully it suffices, but at the end of the day, your family and friends need to learn to temper their selfishness and recognize that if you want to party all night, that's your prerogative.  My FH and I know we are upsetting about 6 cousins each, but plan to talk to them individually should their opinions start to become a family circular in the next year.

If you plan to speak with them individually, why not make it a win-win?  Leave the erroneous wording off the invitation and simply speak to the cousins before it becomes a family circular.

Maggie0829

@caprici42 I really wouldn't include a note in your invitation.  From how you describe the one family you are worried about I don't think it will really have much impact and they will just do whatever they want to do.  What are the ages of their children?  You said that they have one young child but a few older children.  Are the older children of adult age?  If so they should get their own invitation and then the parents can receive an invite with just their names on it (without any mention of their youngest) and make sure to include that only 2 seats have been reserved for them on the RSVP.  If they RSVP back and change that 2 to a 3 just call them up and explain.  If they don't take it well, oh well.  They are the one's being rude to add on an additional person.

As for how you are going to breakdown who and who is not invited.  I think, if it comes to possibly splitting up families I would draw your line at 18 or older.  This way it truly is an adult only affair without you having to say anything about certain age children not being welcomed.

Look I understand it can be frustrating to deal with guests that take it upon themselves to include others but really nothing you write on your invitation or note you include will stop these rude people from being rude.  Every bride has had to deal with difficult situations but that comes with the territory of hosting a large event.  So as long as you accept the fact that you are going to have to deal with some crap along the way you will be a lot less stressed.  Remember this is a one day event.  Yes, it is a big deal but you don't want this one day to possibly hurt or ruin friendships or relationships you have with your family.  It really is just not worth it.  That is why we push correct etiquette so much.  You may think you know how your family and friends will react to certain things but you can never be sure it is best to go on the side of caution rather then through etiquette to the wind because it just makes things easier.

Lelly81

 

Lelly81

hoguek said:

heidirs731 said:

The only guests I would imagine I would be being rude to would be the guests who would want to bring their kids and would be offended that they couldn't. No one else I know of (friend or family) would care or even bat an eyelash.

And guests replying with more people than invited wouldn't be being rude if they didn't understand that the invite only extends to the people on the card, which many people (at least people I'm familiar with) don't know that rule.

Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong standpoint. My career is in communications. If I don't give people the right info to respond correctly, then it's my failure and I have to make up for that mistake by calling everyone because I did a poor job in communicating the first time around.

I am in full agreement. I have never in my life seen an invite that says, "Mr. & Mrs. Smith And Baby John are all cordially invited...," no one puts a child's name on the invite and I know many people who assume that if it's addressed to the adults then it means the whole family. In fact, I can't imagine a world in which people would assume the opposite and expect their children to be called out specifically in the invite.

And like others have pointed out, you are going to have to get the information across somehow, and I think it'd be much more difficult and burdensome to both parties to change the assumptions of a family AFTER they have already RSVP'd, potentially upsetting all of their plans to attend (for instance, finding a babysitter -- something much more tricky if people are traveling and now unexpectedly have to find a place for their child).

A couple has every right for their event to look exactly how they want it to, and if that doesn't include anyone under the age of 18 or 21, I think a brief note of this (even just "18+" or "21+") is perfectly appropriate. I would think a couple would have a pretty good idea of what would and would not be offensive to their guest list and has the discretion to make this decision either way.

While not everyone has formal RSVPs, if you do have them included with the invite and don't want to make a statement explicitly, I think the the suggestion of including "x of 2 can attend" on the RSVP is a good one. For others who still don't want to run the risk of having children brought along, I don't think saying it is any big deal. (In more harsh words: It's your day, not a day to pander to others in a way that makes you more uncomfortable.)

Not everyone's wedding is super traditional or formal, so I don't think everyone's invites have to be either.

I just wanted to point out that you are correct that no one puts a child's name on the invite directly. The etiquette to follow if you wish to invite the adults only is addressing it to Mr. & Mrs. if you wish for their children to attend as well you address it to Mr. & Mrs. & Family. If someone rsvp's back that 3 people will be attending and only 2 were being invited then they are either being rude or do not understand the common etiquette and then the regretful phone call will be required. Just as if you addressed the invite to Mr. & Mrs. & Family and you know they have 3 kids but they respond back that only 3 people will be attending then it is safe to assume that 2 of their kids will not be joining them. These things need to be clear, but if some people don't understand the social standard then they will be learning something new when they get that phone call. It is rude to say no children on the invite (even though we are tempted to do so). Not only is it rude but it is also tacky to say who is not invited. Period.

Maggie0829

@Lelly81 - actually if you would like the children invited you do so by their name.  Thus it would look like, 

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe

Carly, Harry, and Zoe

If you just put "& Family" that could open up a huge can of worms because it would lead people to think that anyone in their family, not just their children, are invited.

The whole point about putting the exact names of those invited on the envelope is to let your guests know exactly who is invited.  If you use a generic word like family, it could be interpreted different ways, but if you put the people's names on the invite there is no way anyone could misconstrue who is and is not invited.

Lelly81

Maggie0829 said:

@Lelly81 - actually if you would like the children invited you do so by their name.  Thus it would look like, 

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe

Carly, Harry, and Zoe

If you just put "& Family" that could open up a huge can of worms because it would lead people to think that anyone in their family, not just their children, are invited.

The whole point about putting the exact names of those invited on the envelope is to let your guests know exactly who is invited.  If you use a generic word like family, it could be interpreted different ways, but if you put the people's names on the invite there is no way anyone could misconstrue who is and is not invited.

@Maggie0829, while I complete agree with you that it could not be misinterpreted if you put everyone's names on the invite, that takes up a lot of space, I live in Canada and I have seen "& family" my entire life on invites to weddings, never have we thought "oh this includes grandma and cousin Joe", people usually know that it only means their direct family. If they don't it will be awkward for sure and you may need to call them and explain, but I doubt it. Either way it is less rude than saying no children on the invite! lol

Maggie0829

Lelly81 said:

Maggie0829 said:

@Lelly81 - actually if you would like the children invited you do so by their name.  Thus it would look like, 

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe

Carly, Harry, and Zoe

If you just put "& Family" that could open up a huge can of worms because it would lead people to think that anyone in their family, not just their children, are invited.

The whole point about putting the exact names of those invited on the envelope is to let your guests know exactly who is invited.  If you use a generic word like family, it could be interpreted different ways, but if you put the people's names on the invite there is no way anyone could misconstrue who is and is not invited.

@Maggie0829, while I complete agree with you that it could not be misinterpreted if you put everyone's names on the invite, that takes up a lot of space, I live in Canada and I have seen "& family" my entire life on invites to weddings, never have we thought "oh this includes grandma and cousin Joe", people usually know that it only means their direct family. If they don't it will be awkward for sure and you may need to call them and explain, but I doubt it. Either way it is less rude than saying no children on the invite! lol

How does adding one more line take up a lot of space?  I am not sure of addresses in Canada but here in the US adding the children's names would total out to 4 lines.  So unless you are using tiny tiny tiny envelopes or have huge ass handwriting the space argument really doesn't compute.

Lelly81

@Maggie0829 that's all you took from that? WOW!

daveANDkristen

Lelly81 said:

I just wanted to point out that you are correct that no one puts a child's name on the invite directly. The etiquette to follow if you wish to invite the adults only is addressing it to Mr. & Mrs. if you wish for their children to attend as well you address it to Mr. & Mrs. & Family. If someone rsvp's back that 3 people will be attending and only 2 were being invited then they are either being rude or do not understand the common etiquette and then the regretful phone call will be required. Just as if you addressed the invite to Mr. & Mrs. & Family and you know they have 3 kids but they respond back that only 3 people will be attending then it is safe to assume that 2 of their kids will not be joining them. These things need to be clear, but if some people don't understand the social standard then they will be learning something new when they get that phone call. It is rude to say no children on the invite (even though we are tempted to do so). Not only is it rude but it is also tacky to say who is not invited. Period.

I did.

Sally and John Smith
Susie Smith
123 Main Street
Anytown, USA

What is wrong or confusing about this?  Anyone?

Most people would understand "and family" to mean their children, but it's ambiguous enough that someone might think it's ok to bring siblings, parents, etc.  Bottom line, it is best to list each invited guest by name.

daveANDkristen

Lelly81 said:

Maggie0829 said:

@Lelly81 - actually if you would like the children invited you do so by their name.  Thus it would look like, 

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe

Carly, Harry, and Zoe

If you just put "& Family" that could open up a huge can of worms because it would lead people to think that anyone in their family, not just their children, are invited.

The whole point about putting the exact names of those invited on the envelope is to let your guests know exactly who is invited.  If you use a generic word like family, it could be interpreted different ways, but if you put the people's names on the invite there is no way anyone could misconstrue who is and is not invited.

@Maggie0829, while I complete agree with you that it could not be misinterpreted if you put everyone's names on the invite, that takes up a lot of space, I live in Canada and I have seen "& family" my entire life on invites to weddings, never have we thought "oh this includes grandma and cousin Joe", people usually know that it only means their direct family. If they don't it will be awkward for sure and you may need to call them and explain, but I doubt it. Either way it is less rude than saying no children on the invite! lol

I agree, but the question is what about the ones that don't know?  For anyone that plans to use "and family", I would definitely recommend ___ of ___ will attend/will not attend on the RSVP, so you can let each guest know how many are invited. 

Maggie0829

@Maggie0829 that's all you took from that? WOW!

Seriously? Fine I will comment on the rest but I didn't feel it necessary since I made it clear that putting "& Family" was not appropriate. But okay. You should never assume your guests will know what you mean by "& Family". Assuming is a bad thing to do because how you interpret something is not how I or anyone else will interpret it. Will calling people up and speaking with them if they RSVP for more then what was on the invite be possibly awkward? Yes, but shit happens and as a host of an event you have to make those calls. But in summary, it is best to invite people by name so that there is no confusion whatsoever about who and who is not invited. So now that I have said the same thing about 500 times can we move on?

Lelly81

daveANDkristen said:

SNAL415 said:

we are inviting kids to our wedding, so to let people know that the children are invited I am addressing the envelopes to Mr. Mrs and family. If you simply state Mr. and Mrs. there should hopefully be no confusion. hope this helps

You're on the right track, but I would suggest listing the kids by name, or at least putting # of seats reserved on the RSVP. "And family" is too ambiguous and some (rude) folks might think that means they can bring their parents who are in from out of town, or their sister who is in need of a night out.

Then those people are idiots, and will look as such when they show up and are turned away because there is no room. There are going to be hiccups no matter what. How about people that do not RSVP at all and then show up. I went to a wedding once with a friend and I didn't know until we showed up that he hadn't RSVP'd and I was mortified! The hosts were surprised to see us and luckily for us there were a couple no shows so they accommodated us. I think I was way more embarrassed then my friend lol.

MuppetOverlord

I did what DaveandKristen did for the 2 kids we had:

Mr and Mrs Jughead Jones

Archie and Veronica Jones

When we were doing my best friend's invitations, there were 6 people in one family. We decided instead of listing them all on the on invitation, we sent the parents one, and we sent the kids another one.

 

 

 

 

 

PrettyGirlLost

caprici42 said: I know that it's rude...it feels rude. Just not sure how to navigate it. There's really only one family I'm concerned about...they have a younger child as well as several older ones, and the parents have a complete lack of class/etiquette/pretty developed sense of entitlement when comes to family matters. Problem is, they're one family in the same grouping of stepfamily, so whatever applies to the rest has to apply to them, and everyone else I don't mind having, at all. I'm really just concerned about the younger children: it's an evening affair (6-11:30) and I don't think they'd handle it very well. Also not sure if this particular couple would look at the time and make a reasonable decision regarding their kids. Would including a note with something like "Children are both invited and welcome, but due to the late hour and nature of the event, please use your discretion with regard to bringing them" be okay, or offensive? (Or just opening the door for more issues if they don't comply?)

Another possibility is making it adults-only, no kids, but making that "fair" among the stepfamily, one couple's children who just turned 21 would probably need to be left out.

We're having our wedding at the zoo, and while many people might see that and think "oh, kid-friendly!", the coordinator at the zoo outright told us that usually kids don't come as it's still a formal affair without much "zoo" included. I plan on having my young nieces in the bridal party, and will commandeer a room for them to chill out in during the reception (when they get sleepy/cranky/etc). But I'd prefer not having to do that for everyone.

There are so many possibilities. My head hurts!

Then don't invite the children from this particular family- invite only the adults.  That doesn't mean you can't invite other children from other families, if you wish.

daveANDkristen

Lelly81 said:

Then those people are idiots, and will look as such when they show up and are turned away because there is no room. There are going to be hiccups no matter what. How about people that do not RSVP at all and then show up. I went to a wedding once with a friend and I didn't know until we showed up that he hadn't RSVP'd and I was mortified! The hosts were surprised to see us and luckily for us there were a couple no shows so they accommodated us. I think I was way more embarrassed then my friend lol.

Oh, I agree with you that those people are idiots!  I'm just saying the best option is to state each invited guest so that you are not faced with turning someone away.  I wouldn't have the heart to do that, personally.  Even though I would side-eye the shit out of someone if they brought an uninvited guest, I would accomodate them if I could.  I just believe that the most polite, direct way is to list each guest by name.  It's not like it takes any more time or effort to write "Susie, Tommy" than it does to write "and family".  It's one thing if you were inviting the Duggar family, but I'm sure the majority of us are not.

KatWAG

Banana, Maggie, Muppet, NYC, DaveandKristen, Alisonmarie, Dreamer, Mobkaz, Southern, and whoever else I forgot. THANK YOU for fighting the good fight!

FWIW, it doesnt matter what phrase you use or where you put it on the invite/ wedding website, it is still rude. Saying you don't want the pitter-patter of little feet or that mom and dad deserve a night out doesnt make it any better.

I too had a kid-free wedding. But because I am adult, I addressed my invites properly and was able to handle the 30 second awkward phone call saying Little Stevie wasn't on the invite. It really wasn't hard.

MobKaz

Lelly81 said:

daveANDkristen said:

SNAL415 said:

we are inviting kids to our wedding, so to let people know that the children are invited I am addressing the envelopes to Mr. Mrs and family. If you simply state Mr. and Mrs. there should hopefully be no confusion. hope this helps

You're on the right track, but I would suggest listing the kids by name, or at least putting # of seats reserved on the RSVP. "And family" is too ambiguous and some (rude) folks might think that means they can bring their parents who are in from out of town, or their sister who is in need of a night out.

Then those people are idiots, and will look as such when they show up and are turned away because there is no room. There are going to be hiccups no matter what. How about people that do not RSVP at all and then show up. I went to a wedding once with a friend and I didn't know until we showed up that he hadn't RSVP'd and I was mortified! The hosts were surprised to see us and luckily for us there were a couple no shows so they accommodated us. I think I was way more embarrassed then my friend lol.

This error is actually on the bride.  Once the RSVP date has passed, the bride/host should call those who have not responded.  The problem with this is that it requires a small amount of effort, and an actual phone call to the guest.  Brides with an "all about me attitude" cannot be bothered to exert that effort or make that phone call.   It's just another example of the blissful couple not taking their guests into consideration because they cannot look past themselves.

Jen4948

Actually, mobkaz, sometimes people can't be reached even then.  How many fucking times is the bride (and why is it not the groom?????) supposed to call or try to reach a person who hasn't RSVPd?  What the fuck makes that rude of the bride or groom if the guests don't RSVP?

It's on the guest-not the bride or the groom, if people show up without RSVPing.

davisse3

(but seriously, just put the names of who is invited and __ of __ attending - not that difficult. how dumb do you think your guests are?)

banana468

Jen4948 said:

Actually, mobkaz, sometimes people can't be reached even then.  How many fucking times is the bride (and why is it not the groom?????) supposed to call or try to reach a person who hasn't RSVPd?  What the fuck makes that rude of the bride or groom if the guests don't RSVP?

It's on the guest-not the bride or the groom, if people show up without RSVPing.

But you at least need to make the initial call to make sure that the guests even have the invitation. We had some postal issues that had invitations returned after the response date.

And then there's my dad's cousin. 6 years later I still don't know if she's planning to attend.

MobKaz

Jen4948 said:

Actually, mobkaz, sometimes people can't be reached even then.  How many fucking times is the bride (and why is it not the groom?????) supposed to call or try to reach a person who hasn't RSVPd?  What the fuck makes that rude of the bride or groom if the guests don't RSVP?

It's on the guest-not the bride or the groom, if people show up without RSVPing.

Hey now, simmer down.  Actually, you can typically get an answering machine at the very least.  On that voice mail, the bride can simply say, "We haven't heard from you.  We need to know if you will be attending.  If I have not heard back from you by XXXday, we will assume you are not able to attend."  The host/bride/groom has done their part to limit wedding day surprises, and it lets the guest know nothing will be reserved in their name.  

I did not say anything about requiring a bride to make so many calls her fingers fall off, nor did I say that the bride/groom were rude.  I used bride as a generality in my first statement but did try to clarify that it should be the bride/host in my following statement.  I didn't think it was necessary to literally name the entire cast of characters that could possibly be involved in the handling of RSVP's. 

I will still maintain that he/she-who-sends-the-invitation is obliged to make at least one cursory phone call.

Jen4948

mobkaz said:

Jen4948 said:

Actually, mobkaz, sometimes people can't be reached even then.  How many fucking times is the bride (and why is it not the groom?????) supposed to call or try to reach a person who hasn't RSVPd?  What the fuck makes that rude of the bride or groom if the guests don't RSVP?

It's on the guest-not the bride or the groom, if people show up without RSVPing.

Hey now, simmer down.  Actually, you can typically get an answering machine at the very least.  On that voice mail, the bride can simply say, "We haven't heard from you.  We need to know if you will be attending.  If I have not heard back from you by XXXday, we will assume you are not able to attend."  The host/bride/groom has done their part to limit wedding day surprises, and it lets the guest know nothing will be reserved in their name.  

I did not say anything about requiring a bride to make so many calls her fingers fall off, nor did I say that the bride/groom were rude.  I used bride as a generality in my first statement but did try to clarify that it should be the bride/host in my following statement.  I didn't think it was necessary to literally name the entire cast of characters that could possibly be involved in the handling of RSVP's. 

I will still maintain that he/she-who-sends-the-invitation is obliged to make at least one cursory phone call.

Sorry I got so rattled, but I don't think it's either the bride's or the groom's fault if one of them has made at least one attempt to get in touch with a non-RSVPer that did not succeed, only to have them show up. 

The non-RSVPing guests bear the responsibility for any inability on the hosts' part to provide for them because they failed to do their own part in indicating on a timely basis that they plan to come.

MuppetOverlord

This post is like Groundhog's Day.

Maryefmail

Adult reception only.

NYCBruin

Maryefmail said:

Adult reception only.

Seriously?!

You open a thread with over 200 posts and contribute that? Do you always post responses without actually reading the thread?