Honeymoon Registry--Oh My!

delujm0

I'm sure this is different in ever family/set of friends, but from what I've seen, at least 75% of wedding attendees just bring cards with checks in them whether they are told to or not.  Basically, if you are not having a shower, you really don't need to register for anything, because you aren't supposed to expect gifts of any kind at your reception (guests' attendance is your gift), so why would you register?  Obviously there are families that don't think it's appropriate to give cash gifts, so you may still want to make a registry.  I'm basically looking at the registry as only being necessary for shower purposes.

 

If someone has offered to throw you a shower, I think it's rude to not have a traditional registry.  I don't love showers, but half of the event is "oh look!  Suzy got me this stand mixer!" so everyone can ooh and aah about it.  I would NEVER show up for a shower with cash, nor would I give money to honeymoon registry as a shower gift.  Shower gifts are supossed to be physical gifts that you can unwrap.  If all the couple had was a honeymoon registry, I would show up for their shower with whatever I saw at Crate and Barrel that i thought was fun, whether they wanted it or not.

 

Now, depending on where you are going on your honeymoon, you might be able to register for stuff you would be using.  For example, I am going on safari.  I will need certain gear for this event.  REI does registries and sells that gear.  I could do a registry there, so that people can buy me the gear and present the physical gift to me at my shower.  And actually a lot of non-traditional stores do have registries...so if you don't need any dishes but you love to go camping, you can register at REI for new camping gear, etc.  That would still be a physical gift.  It wouldn't be inappropriate to do a traditional registry at a non-traditional store.  That can be a good option.

MuppetOverlord

Oh yeah, I forgot to put that in Delu....most people already give money as a wedding gift.


BTW....does anyone else keep thinking this when reading the thread title?:

APDSS22

MuppetOverlord said:

Oh yeah, I forgot to put that in Delu....most people already give money as a wedding gift.


BTW....does anyone else keep thinking this when reading the thread title?:

That's EXACTLY what I was thinking...

vainemerald

NYCBruin are you one of the holier than thou naysayers I was referring too? No, I don't have mind reading powers but I am having a fairly intimate affair with close friends and family and since we are like minded people I think it is safe to say no one in my circle would consider this rude, tasteless, tacky or otherwise. I attended a wedding a few years ago where the couple did this. They spent two weeks in Europe on their friend's and family's dime at it was a big hit!

We did register for the typical wedding items incase it would be perceived as "horrifying" as you so delicately put it. If you find it "revolting" then don't contribute. But just because it isn't your cup of tea doesn't mean it isn't right for some people. Sorry dear you aren't the end all be all.

You are right, we would not be getting a gift certificate for a restaurant for two on our honeymoon, we would be receiving cash specified for dinner for two. In good faith I would use the money for that purpose as the gift giver had intended. For you to tell your FMIL in a way that appealed to your negative attitude of course she would be HORRIFED and PISSED.

We aren't doing some cutesy poem about how we want cash and not gifts. In addition to a regular registry we decided to do the honeymoon registry so our friends and family know where the money is going. But yeah Oh My this did cause a little stir.

MuppetOverlord

heathershaw4785 said:

NYCBruin are you one of the holier than thou naysayers I was referring too? No, I don't have mind reading powers but I am having a fairly intimate affair with close friends and family and since we are like minded people I think it is safe to say no one in my circle would consider this rude, tasteless, tacky or otherwise. I attended a wedding a few years ago where the couple did this. They spent two weeks in Europe on their friend's and family's dime at it was a big hit!

We did register for the typical wedding items incase it would be perceived as "horrifying" as you so delicately put it. If you find it "revolting" then don't contribute. But just because it isn't your cup of tea doesn't mean it isn't right for some people. Sorry dear you aren't the end all be all.

You are right, we would not be getting a gift certificate for a restaurant for two on our honeymoon, we would be receiving cash specified for dinner for two. In good faith I would use the money for that purpose as the gift giver had intended. For you to tell your FMIL in a way that appealed to your negative attitude of course she would be HORRIFED and PISSED.

We aren't doing some cutesy poem about how we want cash and not gifts. In addition to a regular registry we decided to do the honeymoon registry so our friends and family know where the money is going. But yeah Oh My this did cause a little stir.

You are taking this way too personally. Just because you think your guests are okay with it, doesn't mean they are.

But hey -perhaps they are okay with it! It's still against etiquette and therefore is rude. Your guests simply aren't offended by it.

You are going to do what you are going to do, but we can't sit on an etiquette board and advise people against etiquette.

NYCBruin

heathershaw4785 said:

NYCBruin are you one of the holier than thou naysayers I was referring too? No, I don't have mind reading powers but I am having a fairly intimate affair with close friends and family and since we are like minded people I think it is safe to say no one in my circle would consider this rude, tasteless, tacky or otherwise. I attended a wedding a few years ago where the couple did this. They spent two weeks in Europe on their friend's and family's dime at it was a big hit!

We did register for the typical wedding items incase it would be perceived as "horrifying" as you so delicately put it. If you find it "revolting" then don't contribute. But just because it isn't your cup of tea doesn't mean it isn't right for some people. Sorry dear you aren't the end all be all.

You are right, we would not be getting a gift certificate for a restaurant for two on our honeymoon, we would be receiving cash specified for dinner for two. In good faith I would use the money for that purpose as the gift giver had intended. For you to tell your FMIL in a way that appealed to your negative attitude of course she would be HORRIFED and PISSED.

We aren't doing some cutesy poem about how we want cash and not gifts. In addition to a regular registry we decided to do the honeymoon registry so our friends and family know where the money is going. But yeah Oh My this did cause a little stir.

Oh dear me, how dare I share my opinion to try to spare you from ending up inadvertently offending one of your guests.

I didn't explain to my FMIL in "negative" terms how they work.  FFS she told me what she thought she had done (booked a dinner on the beach for them) and all I did was say "oh, that's not actually how honeymoon registries work.  The website just takes your money and writes a check to the couple."  How dare I explain how they actually work!  I didn't give any other commentary.  I didn't get a chance.  At that point, she went off on her own rant about how she felt lied to and how tacky she thought it was.  It was hard to tell whether she was more upset that the couple had cash-grabbed or that she had been deceived.  

And again, YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING IF YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY ARE ACTUALLY OFFENDED BY THIS.  I am by no means a "proper" person.  IRL have had people tell me how great they think honeymoon registries are and just sat there and said nothing.  I'm sure they think that I won't be offended if they do one, but guess what, I still find it offensive!  Just because no one says anything doesn't mean they don't think you're being rude or talking about it behind your back.

And I do hope you have a backup plan to fund your vacation just in case your friends and family aren't as "totally cool" with your honeymoon registry as you think they are and buy you physical non-returnable gifts instead.

MuppetOverlord

heathershaw4785 said:

Unless you are related to a bunch of pretentious jerks I think the honeymoon registry is fine. No one in my circle for friends or family would consider this rude. My FH and I have been together for close to 6 years. The majority of our guests have been to our house and realize we don't need a bunch of material items. The idea of gift giving for a wedding is to buy the newly weds something they would enjoy. We will enjoy spending our first moments together as husband and wife on a honeymoon which is why we did a honeymoon registry. After spending 10K+ on a wedding/party to celebrate our nuptials I think this kind of registry would be perceived as something fun. Listed on our invite a link to our wedding website with all kinds of information on it, including the registry. This board is so full of holier than thou naysayers it's ridiculous. To each their own. If your family is poo-pooing the idea then don't do it. At the end of the day you have to do what you are comfortable with. As far as the negative comments go I wouldn't think too much of it.

You're hanging out on an etiquette board and on a website of etiquette-minded people.

You can't make it up as you go because you aren't offended by something.

If you think the community is negative and ridiculous, what causes you to be part of it?

NYCBruin

MuppetOverlord said:

heathershaw4785 said:

Unless you are related to a bunch of pretentious jerks I think the honeymoon registry is fine. No one in my circle for friends or family would consider this rude. My FH and I have been together for close to 6 years. The majority of our guests have been to our house and realize we don't need a bunch of material items. The idea of gift giving for a wedding is to buy the newly weds something they would enjoy. We will enjoy spending our first moments together as husband and wife on a honeymoon which is why we did a honeymoon registry. After spending 10K+ on a wedding/party to celebrate our nuptials I think this kind of registry would be perceived as something fun. Listed on our invite a link to our wedding website with all kinds of information on it, including the registry. This board is so full of holier than thou naysayers it's ridiculous. To each their own. If your family is poo-pooing the idea then don't do it. At the end of the day you have to do what you are comfortable with. As far as the negative comments go I wouldn't think too much of it.

You're hanging out on an etiquette board and on a website of etiquette-minded people.

You can't make it up as you go because you aren't offended by something.

If you think the community is negative and ridiculous, what causes you to be part of it?

This.  Exactly this.  There are plenty of things that don't personally offend me that are against etiquette.  I still won't be doing them at my wedding, nor would I advise anyone else, especially on an etiquette board, to do them.

southernbelle0915

Asking for money is rude. 

Asking for money is rude.

Asking for money is rude.

MuppetOverlord

NYCBruin said:

MuppetOverlord said:

heathershaw4785 said:

Unless you are related to a bunch of pretentious jerks I think the honeymoon registry is fine. No one in my circle for friends or family would consider this rude. My FH and I have been together for close to 6 years. The majority of our guests have been to our house and realize we don't need a bunch of material items. The idea of gift giving for a wedding is to buy the newly weds something they would enjoy. We will enjoy spending our first moments together as husband and wife on a honeymoon which is why we did a honeymoon registry. After spending 10K+ on a wedding/party to celebrate our nuptials I think this kind of registry would be perceived as something fun. Listed on our invite a link to our wedding website with all kinds of information on it, including the registry. This board is so full of holier than thou naysayers it's ridiculous. To each their own. If your family is poo-pooing the idea then don't do it. At the end of the day you have to do what you are comfortable with. As far as the negative comments go I wouldn't think too much of it.

You're hanging out on an etiquette board and on a website of etiquette-minded people.

You can't make it up as you go because you aren't offended by something.

If you think the community is negative and ridiculous, what causes you to be part of it?

This.  Exactly this.  There are plenty of things that don't personally offend me that are against etiquette.  I still won't be doing them at my wedding, nor would I advise anyone else, especially on an etiquette board, to do them.

This is why I try to give some personal feedback about these issues. It's not that we think you are awful. Honestly, I think you just don't have the whole picture or an understanding of etiquette. There's things I didn't get when I started. That's why this forum exists and that's why we offer our help.

I understand honeymoon registries are rude, though am not personally offended by a honeymoon registry unless it is intended for a shower, as I explained one above.  I wouldn't use one because I already give cash at weddings. Some of my my guests are not offended by it and think it's a great idea. Some of my guests ARE offended by it. The more experiences I have had as a guest in these situations, I learn that really....a lot of people are offended by it.

The last thing I want for any of my guests, or for anyone else's guests is for them to think that we aretacky or rude. So I avoid these blunders and urge others to do the same.

edited

vainemerald

Yes I am not prim and proper. I do not do things by the book. I used labels for my STD instead of hand writing them! Oh my! We don't live in a Emily Post days and while I realize this is an etiquette board and that some things are tacky and can be rude I still don't think a honeymoon registry is one of them. I did not list registry information with my wedding invite, I do have some smarts. I just think that in this day and age in the casual environment we live in that things that were once considered rude might not be today. I am not in high society. I come from a blue collar family and was raised with morals and values. Most of my family went to the courthouse and get hitched and while I want a traditional wedding with the white dress and a honeymoon (which I saved and paid for) it would be very generous of my friends and family to contribute and help with some of the cost we put out. Again, I am not expecting anything and I think the OP point was to find out how it would be perceived. Obviously the vast majority doesn't like the idea. I do and that is JMO.

NYCBruin

heathershaw4785 said:

Yes I am not prim and proper. I do not do things by the book. I used labels for my STD instead of hand writing them! Oh my! We don't live in a Emily Post days and while I realize this is an etiquette board and that some things are tacky and can be rude I still don't think a honeymoon registry is one of them. I did not list registry information with my wedding invite, I do have some smarts. I just think that in this day and age in the casual environment we live in that things that were once considered rude might not be today. I am not in high society. I come from a blue collar family and was raised with morals and values. Most of my family went to the courthouse and get hitched and while I want a traditional wedding with the white dress and a honeymoon (which I saved and paid for) it would be very generous of my friends and family to contribute and help with some of the cost we put out. Again, I am not expecting anything and I think the OP point was to find out how it would be perceived. Obviously the vast majority doesn't like the idea. I do and that is JMO.

Etiquette isn't a "high society" thing.  It's about caring about the comfort and feelings of your guests.

You can have a lovely court-house wedding that doesn't break any etiquette rules.  You can also have an elaborate expensive wedding that is rude as hell.

The two have nothing to do with each other.

Asking for money is rude.  There's no way around it.

People know how to give cash without the assistance of a registry.  If you want to let people know what you used/plan to use their cash gift on, you write it in the thank you note.

MuppetOverlord

heathershaw4785 said:

Yes I am not prim and proper. I do not do things by the book. I used labels for my STD instead of hand writing them! Oh my! We don't live in a Emily Post days and while I realize this is an etiquette board and that some things are tacky and can be rude I still don't think a honeymoon registry is one of them. I did not list registry information with my wedding invite, I do have some smarts. I just think that in this day and age in the casual environment we live in that things that were once considered rude might not be today. I am not in high society. I come from a blue collar family and was raised with morals and values. Most of my family went to the courthouse and get hitched and while I want a traditional wedding with the white dress and a honeymoon (which I saved and paid for) it would be very generous of my friends and family to contribute and help with some of the cost we put out. Again, I am not expecting anything and I think the OP point was to find out how it would be perceived. Obviously the vast majority doesn't like the idea. I do and that is JMO.

A honeymoon registry IS rude because it's against etiquette. Please understand that. However; it's perfectly acceptable not to be offended by it.

Weddings are not typically casual environments, and even if they are, etiquette still applies.

You are being defensive and you don't need to be. We're not saying that we don't think you are generous and having a lovely wedding, we are responding to your challenge regarding honeymoon registries and etiquette.

vainemerald

@NYCbruin The definition of etiquette is : the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.

The members in my group of friends and family that attended our mutual friends wedding that did a honeymoon registry did not consider it rude and were excited to contribute. If you were my friend or family I think I would reconsider since you think it is. Since the original poster's close family member also thought it was rude then perhaps she shouldn't do it either. So there ya go. I am laying down the white glove, please don't pick it up and slap me with it.

NYCBruin

heathershaw4785 said:

@NYCbruin The definition of etiquette is : the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.

The members in my group of friends and family that attended our mutual friends wedding that did a honeymoon registry did not consider it rude and were excited to contribute. If you were my friend or family I think I would reconsider since you think it is. Since the original poster's close family member also thought it was rude then perhaps she shouldn't do it either. So there ya go. I am laying down the white glove, please don't pick it up and slap me with it.

Sigh.  But you aren't a mindreader, which is why I suggest erring on the side of caution and not doing things that are commonly considered rude.

But you're going to do what you're going to do.  Just don't be surprised if someone gives you a giant metal rooster when they discover you have a honeymoon registry.  If they do though, I'll try not to say "I told you so."

APDSS22

NYCBruin said:

heathershaw4785 said:

@NYCbruin The definition of etiquette is : the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.

The members in my group of friends and family that attended our mutual friends wedding that did a honeymoon registry did not consider it rude and were excited to contribute. If you were my friend or family I think I would reconsider since you think it is. Since the original poster's close family member also thought it was rude then perhaps she shouldn't do it either. So there ya go. I am laying down the white glove, please don't pick it up and slap me with it.

Sigh.  But you aren't a mindreader, which is why I suggest erring on the side of caution and not doing things that are commonly considered rude.

But you're going to do what you're going to do.  Just don't be surprised if someone gives you a giant metal rooster when they discover you have a honeymoon registry.  If they do though, I'll try not to say "I told you so."

So you too, have heard of Beyonce the giant metal rooster?  That story cracked me up.

Pepper6

heathershaw4785 said:

Yes I am not prim and proper. I do not do things by the book. I used labels for my STD instead of hand writing them! Oh my! We don't live in a Emily Post days and while I realize this is an etiquette board and that some things are tacky and can be rude I still don't think a honeymoon registry is one of them. I did not list registry information with my wedding invite, I do have some smarts. I just think that in this day and age in the casual environment we live in that things that were once considered rude might not be today. I am not in high society. I come from a blue collar family and was raised with morals and values. Most of my family went to the courthouse and get hitched and while I want a traditional wedding with the white dress and a honeymoon (which I saved and paid for) it would be very generous of my friends and family to contribute and help with some of the cost we put out. Again, I am not expecting anything and I think the OP point was to find out how it would be perceived. Obviously the vast majority doesn't like the idea. I do and that is JMO.

Yes...this is an ETIQUETTE board.  So whether you still like something or not, does not mean it's correct etiquette (in general, etiquette is determined by the majority of society as a whole, if most people agree that something is against etiquette, then it is).  However, it's perfectly acceptable to say "I know etiquette states this, but I'm okay with doing it anyways despite knowing what some people may think of it".  But you come of as whiny if you persist in trying to convince people that something is correct etiquette when it's not.

For example, I too, know what etiquette states about address labels.  But just because I don't particularly agree with that rule, doesn't mean it's correct etiquette or that anyone on the ETIQUETTE board will advise people to use them.

vainemerald

Point well taken. I love roosters! And when we go to the US Virgin Islands because our generous family sent us there because I have a honeymoon registry I will try to do say I told you so while drinking my fancy drink with a tiny umbrella in it.

southernbelle0915

heathershaw4785 said:

Yes I am not prim and proper. I do not do things by the book. Me either. I used labels for my STD instead of hand writing them! We put our envelopes through the printer - no big deal. Oh my! We don't live in a Emily Post days and while I realize this is an etiquette board and that some things are tacky and can be rude I still don't think a honeymoon registry is one of them. Asking for money is rude. I did not list registry information with my wedding invite, I do have some smarts. I just think that in this day and age in the casual environment we live in that things that were once considered rude might not be today. Even in a casual environment, asking for money is rude. I am not in high society.  I come from a blue collar family and was raised with morals and values. Money and good etiquette are not related. Most of my family went to the courthouse and get hitched and while I want a traditional wedding with the white dress and a honeymoon (which I saved and paid for - then why are you doing honey fund?!?) it would be very generous of my friends and family to contribute and help with some of the cost we put out. Again, I am not expecting anything and I think the OP point was to find out how it would be perceived. Obviously the vast majority doesn't like the idea. I do and that is JMO.

Etiquette is essentially being polite, unimposing and accommodating, and hosting people properly. It has nothing to do with money. Nothing. You could have a wedding for the cost of your marriage license, gas to get to the courthouse, and grocery store cake and punch. That type of wedding could be executed with perfect etiquette and no side-eyeing. You could get a rich daddy's-girl bride who told everyone what to wear to her Ritz wedding, had a huge unhosted gap, didn't provide people with enough seating, did a dollar dance and had a honeymoon jar/fund. The girl who went to the courthouse would BY FAR have better etiquette. Money =/= proper etiquette.

You get into bad etiquette territory when you ask for money. Honeymoon funds/jars/buckets/whatever are asking for money. Asking for money is rude. Plain and simple. 

APDSS22

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

Go there.  Learn of 5' tall metal roosters.

NYCMercedes

A honeyfund is just saying, give me money for my sexfest, IMHO.

MuppetOverlord

heathershaw4785 said:

@NYCbruin The definition of etiquette is : the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.

The members in my group of friends and family that attended our mutual friends wedding that did a honeymoon registry did not consider it rude and were excited to contribute. If you were my friend or family I think I would reconsider since you think it is. Since the original poster's close family member also thought it was rude then perhaps she shouldn't do it either. So there ya go. I am laying down the white glove, please don't pick it up and slap me with it.

Etiquette rules don't change for the group because some of its members aren't negatively affected by the breach.

NYCBruin

heathershaw4785 said:

Point well taken. I love roosters! And when we go to the US Virgin Islands because our generous family sent us there because I have a honeymoon registry I will try to do say I told you so while drinking my fancy drink with a tiny umbrella in it.

I don't know what your "I told you so" would be.   I know plenty of people that got loads of cash as wedding presents without asking for it/having a honeymoon registry.

MuppetOverlord

This all just makes me want to link people my tacktacular extravaganza wedding again to show how rude things end up ruining a couple's relationships with their entire social circle.

Literally their entire social circle hates these people now. They are no longer welcome in my home.

vainemerald

Hahaha! I love the chicken story. This country bumpkin obviously entered a part of the woods she does not belong in. Yes asking for money is rude, so instead we did a honeymoon registry. Maybe I'm just not getting it?? Happy posting! 

NYCBruin

heathershaw4785 said:

Hahaha! I love the chicken story. This country bumpkin obviously entered a part of the woods she does not belong in. Yes asking for money is rude, so instead we did a honeymoon registry. Maybe I'm just not getting it?? Happy posting! 

Do you honestly not understand that a honeymoon registry is asking for cash?

You said in an earlier post that you know you're getting cash not the actual "experience" that the giver "purchased."  How do you think this isn't asking for cash?

southernbelle0915

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

Go there.  Learn of 5' tall metal roosters.

omg I just piddled. 

WinstonsGirl

heathershaw4785 said:

Hahaha! I love the chicken story. This country bumpkin obviously entered a part of the woods she does not belong in. Yes asking for money is rude, so instead we did a honeymoon registry. Maybe I'm just not getting it?? Happy posting! 

I can't do GIF's, cos I'm computer stupid.  Please someone put up a GIF of the head slam on desk??  

ashleyep

I don't get it. Why are you so sure you'll get more cash by having a honeymoon registry? What do you think you'll get if you don't have a honeymoon registry?

Shoot, I'll probably be able to honeymoon on my guest's dime too, but it won't be because I had a honeymoon registry, it will be because they wanted to write me a check instead of getting something off of my registry. If I didn't have a registry, they'd probably be even more likely to give me a check!

Maggie0829

@WinstonsGirl - ask and you shall receive