Honeymoon Registry--Oh My!

WinstonsGirl

@Maggie0829 - Thank you very much!!  

NYCBruin

ashleyep said:

I don't get it. Why are you so sure you'll get more cash by having a honeymoon registry? What do you think you'll get if you don't have a honeymoon registry?

Shoot, I'll probably be able to honeymoon on my guest's dime too, but it won't be because I had a honeymoon registry, it will be because they wanted to write me a check instead of getting something off of my registry. If I didn't have a registry, they'd probably be even more likely to give me a check!

This.  All of this.

Even if someone isn't offended by the honeymoon registry, they might give you less because the way it's set up.   Example, I would have written a check for $200, but I see that I can purchase a couples massage for $150.  That sounds like a great gift!  So now you only get $150.

And that doesn't take into account the people who would have given cash but won't because you asked for it (like me).  You'd go from your cash gift to a less expensive physical gift.  

MuppetOverlord

heathershaw4785 said:

Hahaha! I love the chicken story. This country bumpkin obviously entered a part of the woods she does not belong in. Yes asking for money is rude, so instead we did a honeymoon registry. Maybe I'm just not getting it?? Happy posting! 

The honeymoon registry takes peoples money and puts it into an account for you and then takes some of it, and then gives you the rest. 

Asking people to contribute to a honeymoon registry is asking them to send money to your paypal account with an expensive filter.

ashleyep

Let me quote @liatris2010:

Don't do a honeymoon registry for several reasons:
1. They are asking for cash, which is rude, you should never ask people for money,
2. They are deceptive. Guests think they are buying you a snorkeling trip, but you get a check for the amount the snorkel trip costs.
3. They are a scam. You or your guests must may a service fee to do something you can do without a fee, which is write a check.

And I'll add a #4:

Traditional registries exist to tell guests what type of china/toaster/whatever you want, they are a convenience for them. Honeymoon registries are a convenience to no one but you, no one needs to be told cash is an acceptable gift.

antibride2013

I never ever ever ever give money for weddings.  Never.  @heathershaw4785 If you KNOW asking for cash is rude, what on God's green earth makes you actually believe a honeymoon registry (= ASKING FOR MONEY) is exempt from being rude? 

vainemerald

Well @antibride2013 I thought asking for a massage or a scuba adventure would be different. Then the gift giver knows where the money is going. So we shouldn't do a dollar dance? I don't think I am making friends here.

NYCBruin

heathershaw4785 said:

Well @antibride2013 I thought asking for a massage or a scuba adventure would be different. Then the gift giver knows where the money is going. So we shouldn't do a dollar dance? I don't think I am making friends here.

Please be a troll.

You aren't getting a massage or a SCUBA adventure, though.  You're getting cash.  If you want to let the gift-giver know where the money they gave you went, you write it in the thank you card.

And no, dollar dances are incredibly rude.

Asking for cash is rude.

It doesn't matter the way in which you ask for cash.  It is always rude.

vainemerald

A troll? Now that is just plain rude! Pfft!

NYCBruin

heathershaw4785 said:

A troll? Now that is just plain rude! Pfft!

Based on your posts, you appear to be trying to stir up drama, which is one of the things Internet trolls do.  

So, no pointing out that you're acting trollish isn't rude, it's stating a fact.

vainemerald

We are offering an open bar. Have I redeemed myself Mrs. Holier than thou?!?!

NYCBruin

heathershaw4785 said:

We are offering an open bar. Have I redeemed myself Mrs. Holier than thou?!?!

Open bars aren't required.  As long as you aren't having a cash bar you haven't breached any etiquette when it comes to alcohol at weddings.  Dry bars are perfectly acceptable.  Limited bars are perfectly acceptable.  Open bars are perfectly acceptable.

I'm sure there are plenty of non-rude things you've planned for your wedding.  Doesn't make your honeymoon registry or dollar dance any less rude.  

And by all means continue the name calling.

blueobsidian

heathershaw4785 said:

Well @antibride2013 I thought asking for a massage or a scuba adventure would be different. Then the gift giver knows where the money is going. So we shouldn't do a dollar dance? I don't think I am making friends here.

Did you actually schedule every experience from your honeymoon registry on your actual honeymoon?  Do you understand that they do not plan these things for you, they just send you a check?

What happens if you decide to skip the scuba adventure and the person who bought it for you asks how it was?  What answer are you going to give them?  "Oh, we didn't go.  Honeyfund just sent us a check for your wonderful donation."  How are your guests going to feel when they find out you deceived them as to what the money was for?

And no, you shouldn't do a dollar dance.  You are an adult.  Don't ask people for money.

vainemerald

When I contributed to a honeymoon registry it wasn't a concern of mine how their train ride or café brunch was. I didn't even think to ask. I am not sure what I would do if I got called out on how I spent money given to me for a specific adventure. I was mostly kidding about the dollar dance but a friend did it last June at I thought it was really fun! I just don't view that kind of thing as rude. It may go against etiquette but I got to dance with the bride and groom and contributed to each of them.

Ajuliana

heathershaw4785 said:

Unless you are related to a bunch of pretentious jerks I think the honeymoon registry is fine. No one in my circle for friends or family would consider this rude. My FH and I have been together for close to 6 years. The majority of our guests have been to our house and realize we don't need a bunch of material items. The idea of gift giving for a wedding is to buy the newly weds something they would enjoy. We will enjoy spending our first moments together as husband and wife on a honeymoon which is why we did a honeymoon registry. After spending 10K+ on a wedding/party to celebrate our nuptials I think this kind of registry would be perceived as something fun. Listed on our invite a link to our wedding website with all kinds of information on it, including the registry. This board is so full of holier than thou naysayers it's ridiculous. To each their own. If your family is poo-pooing the idea then don't do it. At the end of the day you have to do what you are comfortable with. As far as the negative comments go I wouldn't think too much of it.

@knotporscha as a Catholic I consider being called a holier than thou naysayer a personal and religious attack.

And for the record, heathershaw4785, the amount you have to spend to negate etiquette rules is $20k. Sorry you missed the memo! Also yiu probably shouldn't use your real name on a public website.

NYCBruin

heathershaw4785 said:

When I contributed to a honeymoon registry it wasn't a concern of mine how their train ride or café brunch was. I didn't even think to ask. I am not sure what I would do if I got called out on how I spent money given to me for a specific adventure. I was mostly kidding about the dollar dance but a friend did it last June at I thought it was really fun! I just don't view that kind of thing as rude. It may go against etiquette but I got to dance with the bride and groom and contributed to each of them.

For the 100th time, what offends/does not offend you personally doesn't make something rude or not rude.

If you don't care about etiquette, then why are you even posting on this board?

MuppetOverlord

oy

GypsyWife_

I have a question. What about registries from The actual place you booked your honeymoon. Secrets in cabo has this option after you book a room.

Simply Fated

heathershaw4785 said:

When I contributed to a honeymoon registry it wasn't a concern of mine how their train ride or café brunch was. I didn't even think to ask. I am not sure what I would do if I got called out on how I spent money given to me for a specific adventure. I was mostly kidding about the dollar dance but a friend did it last June at I thought it was really fun! I just don't view that kind of thing as rude. It may go against etiquette but I got to dance with the bride and groom and contributed to each of them.

You should have been able to dance with them WITHOUT having to pay them.
That's why I think the dollar dance is rude.
On top of that, they're asking for cash which you said you know is rude. So why, if you know asking for cash is rude, do you not think them asking for cash is rude? It makes my head spin in confusion.

Okay, this is what I wanted to post since one of your first posts...
You said you wanted your guest to know what it is their money is going towards. Well, the thing is... you could always just use word of mouth to spread that you're saving up for a honeymoon. Or just TELL people what their money went to in the thank you cards.

People won't actually be buying the massage or dinner. They're just putting money into an online account. It's a way of asking for cash without asking for cash. You're attempting to beat the system. IMO, it's similar to registering for gifts with intent to return the items for cash. It's just asking for cash in another form.


On a sidenote, Emily Post died. Her hellspawn took over and advocates for HM registries. Most of us on here avoid the Emily Post Institute because we don't agree with their choices. We're mostly progressive thinking women from blue collar families, like yourself. I honestly think that because we promote putting the comfort of guests before our own wants is what seperates us from other forums like the wedding bee and wedding wire.

Simply Fated

GypsyBridetobe said:

I have a question. What about registries from The actual place you booked your honeymoon. Secrets in cabo has this option after you book a room.

I think Sandals has that option, too.

I personally don't like HM registries period.
The following is mostly just my personal opinion...
Registries were set up as a way to help guests know the sort of things the couple could use as they start a new chapter in their life together. IMO, honeymoons aren't in the same category as things you could use for your home.

I like to refer back to my favorite book series (besides Harry Potter, of course), Anne of Green Gables. Anne and her new husband had a romantic honeymoon at home. He took time off from working and they spent the time exploring their town, meeting new people and just being together. They didn't need to leave home to have a honeymoon. Being together was enough. That's always my thought when people say that they don't have enough money for their honeymoon or that they want other people the fund it just because.
Vacations are great, but it's not something other people should be asked to help out with. "Vacations" are not for the home, and that's what I personally feel should be registered for.

Children with cancer asking to go to Disney is my exception. You're (general you) are not an exception.

heidirs731

GypsyBridetobe said:

I have a question. What about registries from The actual place you booked your honeymoon. Secrets in cabo has this option after you book a room.

Like any other cash registry, resort registries will charge extra fees to your guests. You also have to be careful and read the fine print because some resort registries will only make your gifts available through resort credit, meaning that the money you receive can only be spent at the resort and if you don't use it, you lose it. Others will just give you a check you can do whatever you want with it. And some have a mix of both depending on what excursion you are asking for.

We did a honeymoon registry and on the website we stated that we wanted guests to be able to see what excursions the money would go toward if they wished to make a cash gift, but we also stated that the resort would charge extra fees so they could best decide how/if they wanted to do things.

ashleyep

Simply Fated said:

I have a question. What about registries from The actual place you booked your honeymoon. Secrets in cabo has this option after you book a room.

I think Sandals has that option, too. I personally don't like HM registries period. The following is mostly just my personal opinion... Registries were set up as a way to help guests know the sort of things the couple could use as they start a new chapter in their life together. IMO, honeymoons aren't in the same category as things you could use for your home. I like to refer back to my favorite book series (besides Harry Potter, of course), Anne of Green Gables. Anne and her new husband had a romantic honeymoon at home. He took time off from working and they spent the time exploring their town, meeting new people and just being together. They didn't need to leave home to have a honeymoon. Being together was enough. That's always my thought when people say that they don't have enough money for their honeymoon or that they want other people the fund it just because. Vacations are great, but it's not something other people should be asked to help out with. "Vacations" are not for the home, and that's what I personally feel should be registered for. Children with cancer asking to go to Disney is my exception. You're (general you) are not an exception.

I'll disagree with you on that. Couples register for some things that aren't really necessary for their home all the time (within reason). Most couples don't even need a lot of the things they register for, they're just upgrading. 

If you want to have a registry from Sandals for *real* honeymoon experiences, go for it, but I wouldn't do that as your only registry. 

You may not like it,  but I don't think it's against etiquette in that case since it's not asking for cash.

NYCBruin

ashleyep said:

Simply Fated said:

I have a question. What about registries from The actual place you booked your honeymoon. Secrets in cabo has this option after you book a room.

I think Sandals has that option, too. I personally don't like HM registries period. The following is mostly just my personal opinion... Registries were set up as a way to help guests know the sort of things the couple could use as they start a new chapter in their life together. IMO, honeymoons aren't in the same category as things you could use for your home. I like to refer back to my favorite book series (besides Harry Potter, of course), Anne of Green Gables. Anne and her new husband had a romantic honeymoon at home. He took time off from working and they spent the time exploring their town, meeting new people and just being together. They didn't need to leave home to have a honeymoon. Being together was enough. That's always my thought when people say that they don't have enough money for their honeymoon or that they want other people the fund it just because. Vacations are great, but it's not something other people should be asked to help out with. "Vacations" are not for the home, and that's what I personally feel should be registered for. Children with cancer asking to go to Disney is my exception. You're (general you) are not an exception.

I'll disagree with you on that. Couples register for some things that aren't really necessary for their home all the time (within reason). Most couples don't even need a lot of the things they register for, they're just upgrading. 

If you want to have a registry from Sandals for *real* honeymoon experiences, go for it, but I wouldn't do that as your only registry. 

You may not like it,  but I don't think it's against etiquette in that case since it's not asking for cash.

I haven't really thought about this, but I still think this would be inappropriate.

The reason is that registries are set up for the convenience of the gift-givers.  Registries are preset answers to commonly asked questions that someone who wants to buy you a physical gift may have:

What color towels/sheets match your home?

Has someone else already bought you a toaster?

Would you prefer a teapot or a coffee maker?

Since I'd like the one place setting I'm buying to match your other china, what pattern do you like?

Etc.

The "things" on honeymoon registries, even if the couple actually does the activity, still don't present the problem that registries address.  They are couple-centric whereas traditional registries are gift-giver centric.  I still think that's rude.

ashleyep

NYCBruin said:

ashleyep said:

Simply Fated said:

I have a question. What about registries from The actual place you booked your honeymoon. Secrets in cabo has this option after you book a room.

I think Sandals has that option, too. I personally don't like HM registries period. The following is mostly just my personal opinion... Registries were set up as a way to help guests know the sort of things the couple could use as they start a new chapter in their life together. IMO, honeymoons aren't in the same category as things you could use for your home. I like to refer back to my favorite book series (besides Harry Potter, of course), Anne of Green Gables. Anne and her new husband had a romantic honeymoon at home. He took time off from working and they spent the time exploring their town, meeting new people and just being together. They didn't need to leave home to have a honeymoon. Being together was enough. That's always my thought when people say that they don't have enough money for their honeymoon or that they want other people the fund it just because. Vacations are great, but it's not something other people should be asked to help out with. "Vacations" are not for the home, and that's what I personally feel should be registered for. Children with cancer asking to go to Disney is my exception. You're (general you) are not an exception.

I'll disagree with you on that. Couples register for some things that aren't really necessary for their home all the time (within reason). Most couples don't even need a lot of the things they register for, they're just upgrading. 

If you want to have a registry from Sandals for *real* honeymoon experiences, go for it, but I wouldn't do that as your only registry. 

You may not like it,  but I don't think it's against etiquette in that case since it's not asking for cash.

I haven't really thought about this, but I still think this would be inappropriate.

The reason is that registries are set up for the convenience of the gift-givers.  Registries are preset answers to commonly asked questions that someone who wants to buy you a physical gift may have:

What color towels/sheets match your home?

Has someone else already bought you a toaster?

Would you prefer a teapot or a coffee maker?

Since I'd like the one place setting I'm buying to match your other china, what pattern do you like?

Etc.

The "things" on honeymoon registries, even if the couple actually does the activity, still don't present the problem that registries address.  They are couple-centric whereas traditional registries are gift-giver centric.  I still think that's rude.

Unless the guest wants to get you something for your honeymoon, but doesn't know what. One of the PPs said her father likes to give a honeymoon gift (though he does so without any kind of suggestion, so I guess that's a moot point).

I see your point, I was more thinking along the lines of the people who hear about honeymoon regisitries and think "What a great idea!" until they hear that it's just cash and get pissed.

I suppose though that I could pretty easily make my way to the Sandals site myself if I know that's where you're going and get you a gift if I wanted to.

And some people side eye things on a registry that aren't really housewares, but more like "toys." I suppose it's in the same vein (vain?)

NYCBruin

ashleyep said:

I haven't really thought about this, but I still think this would be inappropriate.

The reason is that registries are set up for the convenience of the gift-givers.  Registries are preset answers to commonly asked questions that someone who wants to buy you a physical gift may have:

What color towels/sheets match your home?

Has someone else already bought you a toaster?

Would you prefer a teapot or a coffee maker?

Since I'd like the one place setting I'm buying to match your other china, what pattern do you like?

Etc.

The "things" on honeymoon registries, even if the couple actually does the activity, still don't present the problem that registries address.  They are couple-centric whereas traditional registries are gift-giver centric.  I still think that's rude.

Unless the guest wants to get you something for your honeymoon, but doesn't know what. One of the PPs said her father likes to give a honeymoon gift (though he does so without any kind of suggestion, so I guess that's a moot point).

I see your point, I was more thinking along the lines of the people who hear about honeymoon regisitries and think "What a great idea!" until they hear that it's just cash and get pissed.

I suppose though that I could pretty easily make my way to the Sandals site myself if I know that's where you're going and get you a gift if I wanted to.

And some people side eye things on a registry that aren't really housewares, but more like "toys." I suppose it's in the same vein (vain?)

Yeah, that's my dad.  He just asks the couple if they plan on taking a honeymoon and then offers to cover their airfare and books it for them.  My brother works for a major hotel chain and has started to do this same thing for hotel rooms.

I just don't think honeymoons present the same problems that shopping for physical gifts do and thus don't warrant having a registry.

I find this idea less offensive than honeymoon registries, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

southernbelle0915

ashleyep said:

NYCBruin said:

ashleyep said:

Simply Fated said:

I have a question. What about registries from The actual place you booked your honeymoon. Secrets in cabo has this option after you book a room.

I think Sandals has that option, too. I personally don't like HM registries period. The following is mostly just my personal opinion... Registries were set up as a way to help guests know the sort of things the couple could use as they start a new chapter in their life together. IMO, honeymoons aren't in the same category as things you could use for your home. I like to refer back to my favorite book series (besides Harry Potter, of course), Anne of Green Gables. Anne and her new husband had a romantic honeymoon at home. He took time off from working and they spent the time exploring their town, meeting new people and just being together. They didn't need to leave home to have a honeymoon. Being together was enough. That's always my thought when people say that they don't have enough money for their honeymoon or that they want other people the fund it just because. Vacations are great, but it's not something other people should be asked to help out with. "Vacations" are not for the home, and that's what I personally feel should be registered for. Children with cancer asking to go to Disney is my exception. You're (general you) are not an exception.

I'll disagree with you on that. Couples register for some things that aren't really necessary for their home all the time (within reason). Most couples don't even need a lot of the things they register for, they're just upgrading. 

If you want to have a registry from Sandals for *real* honeymoon experiences, go for it, but I wouldn't do that as your only registry. 

You may not like it,  but I don't think it's against etiquette in that case since it's not asking for cash.

I haven't really thought about this, but I still think this would be inappropriate.

The reason is that registries are set up for the convenience of the gift-givers.  Registries are preset answers to commonly asked questions that someone who wants to buy you a physical gift may have:

What color towels/sheets match your home?

Has someone else already bought you a toaster?

Would you prefer a teapot or a coffee maker?

Since I'd like the one place setting I'm buying to match your other china, what pattern do you like?

Etc.

The "things" on honeymoon registries, even if the couple actually does the activity, still don't present the problem that registries address.  They are couple-centric whereas traditional registries are gift-giver centric.  I still think that's rude.

Unless the guest wants to get you something for your honeymoon, but doesn't know what. One of the PPs said her father likes to give a honeymoon gift (though he does so without any kind of suggestion, so I guess that's a moot point).

I see your point, I was more thinking along the lines of the people who hear about honeymoon regisitries and think "What a great idea!" until they hear that it's just cash and get pissed.

I suppose though that I could pretty easily make my way to the Sandals site myself if I know that's where you're going and get you a gift if I wanted to.

And some people side eye things on a registry that aren't really housewares, but more like "toys." I suppose it's in the same vein (vain?)

If a guest wants to get you something for your honeymoon, they can write you a check. It's the exact same thing as what they're doing with Honeyfund, except the couple gets the whole amount without any service fees that Honeyfund takes for themselves. If a guest gives a check, the couple gets money. If a guest gives through Honeyfund, the couple gets money minus the service fees. 

heidirs731

southernbelle0915 said:

If a guest wants to get you something for your honeymoon, they can write you a check. It's the exact same thing as what they're doing with Honeyfund, except the couple gets the whole amount without any service fees that Honeyfund takes for themselves. If a guest gives a check, the couple gets money. If a guest gives through Honeyfund, the couple gets money minus the service fees. 

You could still have honeymoon registry so guests know what you are interested in, and they can choose to write a cheek instead of using the service.

NYCBruin

heidirs731 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

If a guest wants to get you something for your honeymoon, they can write you a check. It's the exact same thing as what they're doing with Honeyfund, except the couple gets the whole amount without any service fees that Honeyfund takes for themselves. If a guest gives a check, the couple gets money. If a guest gives through Honeyfund, the couple gets money minus the service fees. 

You could still have honeymoon registry so guests know what you are interested in, and they can choose to write a cheek instead of using the service.

It still doesn't answer the question of why have one in the first place.  Guests don't need to know what you "plan" on spending the cash on (and I say plan since you don't have to use the cash how you say you will) to give you cash.  You can let them know what you used it for in your thank you note.

[Deleted User]

@heathershaw4785 YGPM

ashleyep

southernbelle0915 said:

ashleyep said:

NYCBruin said:

ashleyep said:

Simply Fated said:

I have a question. What about registries from The actual place you booked your honeymoon. Secrets in cabo has this option after you book a room.

I think Sandals has that option, too. I personally don't like HM registries period. The following is mostly just my personal opinion... Registries were set up as a way to help guests know the sort of things the couple could use as they start a new chapter in their life together. IMO, honeymoons aren't in the same category as things you could use for your home. I like to refer back to my favorite book series (besides Harry Potter, of course), Anne of Green Gables. Anne and her new husband had a romantic honeymoon at home. He took time off from working and they spent the time exploring their town, meeting new people and just being together. They didn't need to leave home to have a honeymoon. Being together was enough. That's always my thought when people say that they don't have enough money for their honeymoon or that they want other people the fund it just because. Vacations are great, but it's not something other people should be asked to help out with. "Vacations" are not for the home, and that's what I personally feel should be registered for. Children with cancer asking to go to Disney is my exception. You're (general you) are not an exception.

I'll disagree with you on that. Couples register for some things that aren't really necessary for their home all the time (within reason). Most couples don't even need a lot of the things they register for, they're just upgrading. 

If you want to have a registry from Sandals for *real* honeymoon experiences, go for it, but I wouldn't do that as your only registry. 

You may not like it,  but I don't think it's against etiquette in that case since it's not asking for cash.

I haven't really thought about this, but I still think this would be inappropriate.

The reason is that registries are set up for the convenience of the gift-givers.  Registries are preset answers to commonly asked questions that someone who wants to buy you a physical gift may have:

What color towels/sheets match your home?

Has someone else already bought you a toaster?

Would you prefer a teapot or a coffee maker?

Since I'd like the one place setting I'm buying to match your other china, what pattern do you like?

Etc.

The "things" on honeymoon registries, even if the couple actually does the activity, still don't present the problem that registries address.  They are couple-centric whereas traditional registries are gift-giver centric.  I still think that's rude.

Unless the guest wants to get you something for your honeymoon, but doesn't know what. One of the PPs said her father likes to give a honeymoon gift (though he does so without any kind of suggestion, so I guess that's a moot point).

I see your point, I was more thinking along the lines of the people who hear about honeymoon regisitries and think "What a great idea!" until they hear that it's just cash and get pissed.

I suppose though that I could pretty easily make my way to the Sandals site myself if I know that's where you're going and get you a gift if I wanted to.

And some people side eye things on a registry that aren't really housewares, but more like "toys." I suppose it's in the same vein (vain?)

If a guest wants to get you something for your honeymoon, they can write you a check. It's the exact same thing as what they're doing with Honeyfund, except the couple gets the whole amount without any service fees that Honeyfund takes for themselves. If a guest gives a check, the couple gets money. If a guest gives through Honeyfund, the couple gets money minus the service fees. 

Believe me, I'm not arguing for a honeyfund. I just meant that some people want to give something "real" and not just give a check. Like @NYCBruin's dad buys the actual plane tickets. But I see her point, or they could just ask.

heidirs731

NYCBruin said:

  It still doesn't answer the question of why have one in the first place.  Guests don't need to know what you "plan" on spending the cash on (and I say plan since you don't have to use the cash how you say you will) to give you cash.  You can let them know what you used it for in your thank you note.

Liatris2010 said:

But then why bother? You are going to send your guests to a website that lists a bunch of stuff, and then, "Surprise! You these things aren't for sale, just give us your money!" You are making a list of things money can buy. People already know money can be used to buy things. This is not a new, recent concept some guests might be unfamiliar with. You want honeymoon money? When people ask where you are registered/what you want, you say that you are saving up for a big vacation. People will take the hint.

The appeal of a honeymoon registry is that you are actually showing guests what you would be spending the money on. Yes, guests could just write a check, but they don't know what exactly that money is going toward. The honeymoon registry is nice so they can see what you are buying.