Honeymoon Registry--Oh My!

NYCBruin

heidirs731 said:

NYCBruin said:

  It still doesn't answer the question of why have one in the first place.  Guests don't need to know what you "plan" on spending the cash on (and I say plan since you don't have to use the cash how you say you will) to give you cash.  You can let them know what you used it for in your thank you note.

Liatris2010 said:

But then why bother? You are going to send your guests to a website that lists a bunch of stuff, and then, "Surprise! You these things aren't for sale, just give us your money!" You are making a list of things money can buy. People already know money can be used to buy things. This is not a new, recent concept some guests might be unfamiliar with. You want honeymoon money? When people ask where you are registered/what you want, you say that you are saving up for a big vacation. People will take the hint.

The appeal of a honeymoon registry is that you are actually showing guests what you would be spending the money on. Yes, guests could just write a check, but they don't know what exactly that money is going toward. The honeymoon registry is nice so they can see what you are buying.

Or you're just being AWish about the awesome trip you're going to take since you'll likely do all of those things whether someone "gifts" them to you or not.

blueobsidian

NYCBruin said:

  It still doesn't answer the question of why have one in the first place.  Guests don't need to know what you "plan" on spending the cash on (and I say plan since you don't have to use the cash how you say you will) to give you cash.  You can let them know what you used it for in your thank you note.

Liatris2010 said:

But then why bother? You are going to send your guests to a website that lists a bunch of stuff, and then, "Surprise! You these things aren't for sale, just give us your money!" You are making a list of things money can buy. People already know money can be used to buy things. This is not a new, recent concept some guests might be unfamiliar with. You want honeymoon money? When people ask where you are registered/what you want, you say that you are saving up for a big vacation. People will take the hint.

The appeal of a honeymoon registry is that you are actually showing guests what you would be spending the money on. Yes, guests could just write a check, but they don't know what exactly that money is going toward. The honeymoon registry is nice so they can see what you are buying.

Except you are not actually getting those things. You are getting a check, which any adult should be able to give you all by themselves. I would be pissed if I thought I bought someone a romantic dinner and it turned out they just got a check. I like to choose what gift I give people. If you are deceiving your guest, you are doing something wrong.

MayDay513

heidirs731 said:

NYCBruin said:

  It still doesn't answer the question of why have one in the first place.  Guests don't need to know what you "plan" on spending the cash on (and I say plan since you don't have to use the cash how you say you will) to give you cash.  You can let them know what you used it for in your thank you note.

Liatris2010 said:

But then why bother? You are going to send your guests to a website that lists a bunch of stuff, and then, "Surprise! You these things aren't for sale, just give us your money!" You are making a list of things money can buy. People already know money can be used to buy things. This is not a new, recent concept some guests might be unfamiliar with. You want honeymoon money? When people ask where you are registered/what you want, you say that you are saving up for a big vacation. People will take the hint.

The appeal of a honeymoon registry is that you are actually showing guests what you would be spending the money on. Yes, guests could just write a check, but they don't know what exactly that money is going toward. The honeymoon registry is nice so they can see what you are buying.

Too bad the honeymoon registry doesn't actually pay for the dinner or snorkeling you put money toward. The couple just gets a check. BTW, every single person who wrote us a check got a thank you card, and we told them exactly what their money was going towards, our new home fund.

heidirs731

NYCBruin said:

Or you're just being AWish about the awesome trip you're going to take since you'll likely do all of those things whether someone "gifts" them to you or not.

I have no idea what "AWish" means. And we actually wouldn't do those things if we didn't get them as gifts. We registered for things we wouldn't normally do because we view them as extra expenses, like a private dinner, or breakfast in bed, or a spa day.

blueobsidian said:

  Except you are not actually getting those things. You are getting a check, which any adult should be able to give you all by themselves. I would be pissed if I thought I bought someone a romantic dinner and it turned out they just got a check. I like to choose what gift I give people. If you are deceiving your guest, you are doing something wrong.

If someone put cash toward a romantic dinner, that's what I'd use it for.

blueobsidian

blueobsidian said:

  Except you are not actually getting those things. You are getting a check, which any adult should be able to give you all by themselves. I would be pissed if I thought I bought someone a romantic dinner and it turned out they just got a check. I like to choose what gift I give people. If you are deceiving your guest, you are doing something wrong.

If someone put cash toward a romantic dinner, that's what I'd use it for.

Or you could just plan vacations you can afford, instead of begging other people for money to fund one you can't afford.

heidirs731

The way I see it is like any other gift registry. Why have any registry at all? Why not just tell guests you'd like money to put toward the house and then send them thank you cards saying you bought new towels or a toaster oven? People like to see what their money is going toward.

A honeymoon registry works the same way except for the extra fees, which I think as long as you warn your guests about it, then they can make the best informed decision.

blueobsidian

heidirs731 said:

The way I see it is like any other gift registry. Why have any registry at all? Why not just tell guests you'd like money to put toward the house and then send them thank you cards saying you bought new towels or a toaster oven? People like to see what their money is going toward.

A honeymoon registry works the same way except for the extra fees, which I think as long as you warn your guests about it, then they can make the best informed decision.

No, they aren't like any other registry.  Other registries help your guest find out what color scheme you like, what size sheets you need, and what kinds of kitchen tools you need.  They give people an idea of your taste and style, and suggestions if they want to give you a boxed gift and are stuck on what to buy.

People know you like cash.  You are not giving them ANY helpful information by telling them you like cash.  The people who want to give you cash will write a check and give you cash.

Traditional registries benefit your guests.  Cash registries just benefit you.

heidirs731

blueobsidian said:

blueobsidian said:

  Except you are not actually getting those things. You are getting a check, which any adult should be able to give you all by themselves. I would be pissed if I thought I bought someone a romantic dinner and it turned out they just got a check. I like to choose what gift I give people. If you are deceiving your guest, you are doing something wrong.

If someone put cash toward a romantic dinner, that's what I'd use it for.

Or you could just plan vacations you can afford, instead of begging other people for money to fund one you can't afford.

We are actually paying for the vacation. The registry is for extra stuff we wouldn't normally do.

And if it's about affordability, why have any registry at all? Obviously if you can't afford household items, your guests shouldn't gift them to you.

blueobsidian

heidirs731 said:

blueobsidian said:

blueobsidian said:

  Except you are not actually getting those things. You are getting a check, which any adult should be able to give you all by themselves. I would be pissed if I thought I bought someone a romantic dinner and it turned out they just got a check. I like to choose what gift I give people. If you are deceiving your guest, you are doing something wrong.

If someone put cash toward a romantic dinner, that's what I'd use it for.

Or you could just plan vacations you can afford, instead of begging other people for money to fund one you can't afford.

We are actually paying for the vacation. The registry is for extra stuff we wouldn't normally do.

And if it's about affordability, why have any registry at all? Obviously if you can't afford household items, your guests shouldn't gift them to you.

You know what, you win.  Have a cash registry.  It is your wedding, why should you be polite to your friends and family.  Since it is your wedding, you can be as rude as you want.  

heidirs731

blueobsidian said:

You know what, you win.  Have a cash registry.  It is your wedding, why should you be polite to your friends and family.  Since it is your wedding, you can be as rude as you want.  

Since no one seems able to explain why it's rude in a way that makes any sense. Sure, I guess I'll do that.

southernbelle0915

heidirs731 said:

blueobsidian said:

You know what, you win.  Have a cash registry.  It is your wedding, why should you be polite to your friends and family.  Since it is your wedding, you can be as rude as you want.  

Since no one seems able to explain why it's rude in a way that makes any sense. Sure, I guess I'll do that.

It's rude to ask for money. A honeymoon registry is asking for money. It's disguised because it says "massage" or "romantic private dinner", but what you end up with is a check. For MONEY. It's a dolled up, cutesy way of saying  "we need cash to do things we wouldn't normally do". That is asking for money. It is rude to ask people for money.

Here's whats NOT rude - if aunt Betty gives you a check for $150 and when you write her a thank you note, you say "Thank you so much, Aunt Betty. We used your generous gift for a private dinner on our honeymoon. It was lovely."

MuppetOverlord

heidirs731 said:

blueobsidian said:

You know what, you win.  Have a cash registry.  It is your wedding, why should you be polite to your friends and family.  Since it is your wedding, you can be as rude as you want.  

Since no one seems able to explain why it's rude in a way that makes any sense. Sure, I guess I'll do that.

Did you eat paint chips as a kid?

heidirs731

southernbelle0915 said:

It's rude to ask for money. A honeymoon registry is asking for money. It's disguised because it says "massage" or "romantic private dinner", but what you end up with is a check. For MONEY. It's a dolled up, cutesy way of saying  "we need cash to do things we wouldn't normally do". That is asking for money. It is rude to ask people for money.

I am asking for a private dinner. Just because The resort insists on collecting that gift through cash, doesn't change what I'm asking for.

If I ask for a toaster oven, am I not asking people to spend their money? Just because the money goes through the store and I don't actually see it, doesn't change the outcome. I am asking for a specific gift. It's not money I'm after.

MuppetOverlord said:
Did you eat paint chips as a kid?

And here I thought it wasn't okay to be rude to people.

Simply Fated

ashleyep said:

Simply Fated said:

GypsyBridetobe said:

I have a question. What about registries from The actual place you booked your honeymoon. Secrets in cabo has this option after you book a room.

I think Sandals has that option, too.

I personally don't like HM registries period.
The following is mostly just my personal opinion...
Registries were set up as a way to help guests know the sort of things the couple could use as they start a new chapter in their life together. IMO, honeymoons aren't in the same category as things you could use for your home.

I like to refer back to my favorite book series (besides Harry Potter, of course), Anne of Green Gables. Anne and her new husband had a romantic honeymoon at home. He took time off from working and they spent the time exploring their town, meeting new people and just being together. They didn't need to leave home to have a honeymoon. Being together was enough. That's always my thought when people say that they don't have enough money for their honeymoon or that they want other people the fund it just because.
Vacations are great, but it's not something other people should be asked to help out with. "Vacations" are not for the home, and that's what I personally feel should be registered for.

Children with cancer asking to go to Disney is my exception. You're (general you) are not an exception.

I'll disagree with you on that. Couples register for some things that aren't really necessary for their home all the time (within reason). Most couples don't even need a lot of the things they register for, they're just upgrading. 

If you want to have a registry from Sandals for *real* honeymoon experiences, go for it, but I wouldn't do that as your only registry. 

You may not like it,  but I don't think it's against etiquette in that case since it's not asking for cash.

And I wouldn't buy something off their registry that wasn't for the home. A HM registry has nothing but things not for the home.

WTF is a "*real* honeymoon experience?

HM registries are asking for cash. It's literally asking for cash. Yes, you'll be putting the money towards something, but it's cash. You're asking for cash to spend on the "*real* honeymoon experience," as you call it.

MGP

Here's my attempt at logically explaining why honeymoon registries are a horrible idea:

Years back when they first started to become popular I was suckered into the idea.  It didn't seem horrible to me at the time.  For Bride #1 I purchased something like "poolside beers for the day" for $50 thinking that would be a nice gift to pick up the tab for them at the pool.  Not a big deal.  For Bride #2 I purchased something like "private beach dinner" for $100.

Well guess what happened?  Bride #2 got married but they never went on a honeymoon!  So where did my $100 - 10% service fee go?  In their pockets.  I felt slightly robbed.

Honeymoon registries, in general, offer no accountability on how the money is actually spent.  I understand that most couples out there will in good faith take the money from it and put it towards their honeymoon and that is fine.  It's the few bad apples out there like my above example that really can put people in a rage about this topic.

Most gift givers want to know (generally) where the money for their gift is going or what their gift will be used for:

Toasters = toast bread

Wine glasses = you drink from

Towels = dry you off

Gift cards/gift certificates = specified to store or type of service and gives recipient liberty to choose

Cash (as long as it wasn't asked for) = free to spend/invest as recipient sees fit

Honeymoon registries = asking for cash (which is rude) and no accountability on where the money actually goes.  It's a bait and switch.  If I want to purchase someone a "beach dinner", my money better darn well go towards a "beach dinner"!

On a personal note honeymoon registries usually give me the vibe that a couple has overspent, feel entitled to a honeymoon, and looking to their guests as a way to subsidize.  I put that in the same category as the other gross misconduct such as cash bar, potluck, etc.  As a guest I am interested in celebrating your day, not making up for your lack of budgeting and bad decision making.

And for the record no I did NOT even consider one when I got married.  My mother would have killed me.  

MuppetOverlord

heidirs731 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

It's rude to ask for money. A honeymoon registry is asking for money. It's disguised because it says "massage" or "romantic private dinner", but what you end up with is a check. For MONEY. It's a dolled up, cutesy way of saying  "we need cash to do things we wouldn't normally do". That is asking for money. It is rude to ask people for money.

I am asking for a private dinner. Just because The resort insists on collecting that gift through cash, doesn't change what I'm asking for.

If I ask for a toaster oven, am I not asking people to spend their money? Just because the money goes through the store and I don't actually see it, doesn't change the outcome. I am asking for a specific gift. It's not money I'm after.

MuppetOverlord said:
Did you eat paint chips as a kid?

And here I thought it wasn't okay to be rude to people.

I've been overly nice through this entire thread. We have been giving very thoughtful advice, completely with anecdotes and thorough explanations. Your statement indicates that nothing has been helpful to your understanding so you'll just go on with your rude plan. I am simply trying to diagnose where the disconnect lies so we can attempt a different approach.

MuppetOverlord

SimplyFated - I didn't go back and read it all again but I believe she was referring to a few registries that exist direct with the facility (like a Sandals) where people can make payments against certain activities.

I have to think about whether it's against etiquette or not. I tend to think that the money is really just going against your account on vacation and not to that specific item. If you pay for a massage and the couple doesn't have that massage - I assume that the money isn't being refunded to you, it simply goes towards the account balance.

I'm not personally offended by it. I think it's probably better than a honeyfund since 100% of funds goes towards the honeymoon, but.....I tend to lean towards it being against etiquette if we are classifying.

southernbelle0915

heidirs731 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

It's rude to ask for money. A honeymoon registry is asking for money. It's disguised because it says "massage" or "romantic private dinner", but what you end up with is a check. For MONEY. It's a dolled up, cutesy way of saying  "we need cash to do things we wouldn't normally do". That is asking for money. It is rude to ask people for money.

I am asking for a private dinner. Just because The resort insists on collecting that gift through cash, doesn't change what I'm asking for.

If I ask for a toaster oven, am I not asking people to spend their money? Just because the money goes through the store and I don't actually see it, doesn't change the outcome. I am asking for a specific gift. It's not money I'm after.

No, you're asking for the money to have a private dinner. You are asking for money.

If someone buys you a toaster, you get the toaster. If someone buys the private dinner from honeyfund, you get money. You are asking for money.

Listen. No one here really cares if you move forward with panhandling your guests. It's rude. It's too bad. You've been informed on an etiquette board from multiple people why. And now you're just arguing and trying to defend your choice. No one who knows etiquette is going to tell you it's ok. You keep asking for good reasons and you got them. You just don't agree.

GypsyWife_

To. Clarify I am not going on a honeymoon I.was only curious about the way it works.

Dreamergirl8812

MGP said:

Here's my attempt at logically explaining why honeymoon registries are a horrible idea:

Years back when they first started to become popular I was suckered into the idea.  It didn't seem horrible to me at the time.  For Bride #1 I purchased something like "poolside beers for the day" for $50 thinking that would be a nice gift to pick up the tab for them at the pool.  Not a big deal.  For Bride #2 I purchased something like "private beach dinner" for $100.

Well guess what happened?  Bride #2 got married but they never went on a honeymoon!  So where did my $100 - 10% service fee go?  In their pockets.  I felt slightly robbed.

Honeymoon registries, in general, offer no accountability on how the money is actually spent.  I understand that most couples out there will in good faith take the money from it and put it towards their honeymoon and that is fine.  It's the few bad apples out there like my above example that really can put people in a rage about this topic.

Most gift givers want to know (generally) where the money for their gift is going or what their gift will be used for:

Toasters = toast bread

Wine glasses = you drink from

Towels = dry you off

Gift cards/gift certificates = specified to store or type of service and gives recipient liberty to choose

Cash (as long as it wasn't asked for) = free to spend/invest as recipient sees fit

Honeymoon registries = asking for cash (which is rude) and no accountability on where the money actually goes.  It's a bait and switch.  If I want to purchase someone a "beach dinner", my money better darn well go towards a "beach dinner"!

On a personal note honeymoon registries usually give me the vibe that a couple has overspent, feel entitled to a honeymoon, and looking to their guests as a way to subsidize.  I put that in the same category as the other gross misconduct such as cash bar, potluck, etc.  As a guest I am interested in celebrating your day, not making up for your lack of budgeting and bad decision making.

And for the record no I did NOT even consider one when I got married.  My mother would have killed me.  

Totally trying to stay out of this fight, but I don't get this (specific) logic. If your friend is an asshole, your friend is an asshole. If you got her a margarita machine and she returned it for cash, she's an asshole. I know that you at least won't know she returned it (like you knew she didn't go on the honeymoon) unless you go to her house. But douchebaggery is douchebaggery and if you're going to a douchebagger's wedding than you may experience some dishonesty.

Simply Fated

GypsyBridetobe said:

To. Clarify I am not going on a honeymoon I.was only curious about the way it works.

I don't think anyone assumed you were using a HM registry just because you asked a question about it. At least, I didn't.

Okay, so I checked and Sandals has nearly a 10% fee for the GUESTS. That's the highest I've seen so far. The couple isn't allowed to take on that fee, either, which is rare.
So... it says something about the gift must be purchased 4 days before the couple checks in... I'm clearly confused. Someone help me out?

What was the name of the resort registry you mentioned?

GypsyWife_

Secrets in cabo. The add-ons can be purchased by booking directly as well as a registry.

GypsyWife_

I just checked its all the Same b.s.

MGP

Totally trying to stay out of this fight, but I don't get this (specific) logic. If your friend is an asshole, your friend is an asshole. If you got her a margarita machine and she returned it for cash, she's an asshole. I know that you at least won't know she returned it (like you knew she didn't go on the honeymoon) unless you go to her house. But douchebaggery is douchebaggery and if you're going to a douchebagger's wedding than you may experience some dishonesty.

I absolutely agree with what you are saying.  If someone registers WITH THE INTENT of returning everything for cash, I put it in the same category.  It's just harder to catch if they don't go on a honeymoon vs. finding out they returned the gift.

And I forgot to mention this was also #1 of 2 PPD's and they had a cash bar.  So in the end it didn't surprise me at all.

Simply Fated

GypsyBridetobe said:

Secrets in cabo. The add-ons can be purchased by booking directly as well as a registry.

Okay they charge the couple a fee, so it costs money to use. It's like, yeah, you're getting money but you're spending money.

Again, they charge almost a 10% fee per gift, either the guests can pay it or you can just take the deduction.
So if a guest wants to give you $100, you choose whether they have to pay almost $110 or let the site keep $10 and you get $90.

The "gifts" are just like other gift registries. They give you all the money at once and then you can apply it to what ever you want. It even offers to give you the money in the form of a check.


What's also important to know is that both of these sites encourage the couple to book the trip and all of their activities beforehand. So, if guests don't come through, the couple is stuck with the bills. If the couple can't afford the trip, then they're SOL.

artbyallie

Traditional registries are not asking for things. They are for guests who wish to give a boxed gift to be able to know what would match the couple's desired decor, so the couple doesn't wind up with a bunch of mismatched things. It is not the same as asking for money because one does not publicize one's wedding registry. People find it on their own or they ask.

Ajuliana

Heathershaw what did kp pm you for? My JOKE of a complaint?

vainemerald

Ajuliana yeah thanks for that. Luckily I can take a JOKE. I was also raised Catholic and did not mean it in that regard. No hard feelings here.

TheBaysideBride

I am in the minority of people who find nothing wrong w/ them. I don't care if someone else makes a fee, that's life and business. I had a hard time spending "special" money - I hoard it for something that I will never purchase. I would rather have someone buy me a massage so I actually use it, and would have loved that on our honeymoon. It's a registry, who cares? TO me it's no different than having to buy overpriced towels at Bloomingdales. Registry gifts are often that people wouldn't otherwise buy. Businesses make money on ALL the registries, so as long as I'm getting a massage and it's not coming out of my pockes, it's a gift I will enjoy.

And if a couple would enjoy that gift, that why not get it for them?

MuppetOverlord

It's absolutely okay if you are not offended, don't find anything wrong with them or are happy to utilize them to delivery your gift.

It's still considered against etiquette to ask/register for them.