Wedding Etiquette Forum

Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

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Re: Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Etiquette isn't about mindlessly following rules. It's about trying to make sure that other human beings don't feel awkward, or unhappy, or confused. If people don't care about etiquette, they might just as well chew with their mouths open and fart in public; and that would make me very unhappy. Etiquette is a reflection of your respect for other people, and their feelings. That being said, it is impossible to explain to people who care only about their own sensibilities and comfort. They simply don't get it. My grandmother had a very wise saying: "You can't teach a pig to sing. Don't bother trying. It will only frustrate you, and piss off the pig."
    There's the mistake.......I don't think she IS human......and I am sure she considers herself a much higher species...she has certainly placed herself on a high enough pedestal.
    ohannabelleaurorajanettePolarBearFitzgrumbledore
  • Somewhere in all this there must be a good pearls before swine joke. Don't clutch your pearls before swine? Something along those lines....
    PrettyGirlLostNYCMercedesgrumbledore
  • mobkaz said:
    Etiquette isn't about mindlessly following rules. It's about trying to make sure that other human beings don't feel awkward, or unhappy, or confused. If people don't care about etiquette, they might just as well chew with their mouths open and fart in public; and that would make me very unhappy. Etiquette is a reflection of your respect for other people, and their feelings. That being said, it is impossible to explain to people who care only about their own sensibilities and comfort. They simply don't get it. My grandmother had a very wise saying: "You can't teach a pig to sing. Don't bother trying. It will only frustrate you, and piss off the pig."
    There's the mistake.......I don't think she IS human......and I am sure she considers herself a much higher species...she has certainly placed herself on a high enough pedestal.
    Admittedly, I do think pretty highly of myself. But I haven't lost my mind, created an alternate universe and consider myself a whole other species yet. Although I'm not ruling it out entirely as it sounds like quite a trip! Alas, I am but a mere mortal. Last I checked anyway.
  • Did anyone see the Say Yes to the Dress episode where the girl was getting married because she didn't like her dress and the way it looked the first time!? WHAT!?!?!?! Come on now.
  • mblake525 said:
    I know this seems trivial compared to others' stories on here but here it is:

    We got engaged March 2012. We really wanted to get married on our dating anniversary, which is March 8th. We had two options. We could have a year long anniversary and have our wedding on a Friday or wait an extra year and have it on a Saturday. We could afford to have it in 2013, but wanted our particular date on a Saturday. My family is traveling very far and we knew that most wouldn't be able to attend on a Friday. We are adults and made the decision on our own to move it to March 2014. Believe me, I want to be married right now. I am having to pay for my college out of pocket until I turn 23 or get married according to the FAFSA requirements. Even though I am out on my own, they still force me to mark down my parents' income. They make way too much money for me to get any help. This makes things extremely difficult for us. However, as much as it would ease our pain, I wanted that particular date. I could have easily been married at the courthouse and had a PPD on the day I wanted. However, I made my choice and stuck to it. Sometimes you have to ask yourself which means more: the sentiment or ease of mind. Either answer is perfectly acceptable. However, part of being an adult is having to choose sometimes.

    Beautifully said. This post is exactly what this thread comes down to.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'll play.

    I'm losing my health insurance for the second time in a year -- the first time because I aged out of my parents' plan, the second time because the plan I signed up for isn't good enough for the ACA. It would be much, much easier for me right now if BF and I were to run down to the courthouse and have a JOP wedding. I could be on his health insurance and not have to stack shopping for new insurance on top of all the other crap I'm dealing with for school, work, and family obligations. We're not doing that because we don't want to get married only for benefits. I mean, the benefits are nice, but ... we don't want to feel like we got pushed into it for health insurance.
    southernbelle0915aurorajanetteAPDSS22
  • I'll play too. FI has a random blind spot in his left eye that randomly showed up one day. His health insurance through work is awful and extremely expensive. My health insurance through work is completely paid by my company, and spouse insurance is also paid in full by my company. We could do a JOP marriage and have him covered for free under my insurance, but we would like a wedding celebration with family and friends, and to us, marrying for benefits is a shitty reason to marry each other.

    We are holding off until I finish grad school in mid-2015, and have been slowly planning and saving to have the wedding we want.
    mblake525APDSS22
  • I'm getting married once a year for the rest of my life, to my husband, over and over, wherever we are, just the two of us. Call it a vow renewal, call me weird, it's just what it is, and it's right for me. Might not make sense, might not be a PPD, but that's what we're doing! Love it.
    Blue_Bird
  • edited November 2013
    Anaelsea said:
    I'm getting married once a year for the rest of my life, to my husband, over and over, wherever we are, just the two of us. Call it a vow renewal, call me weird, it's just what it is, and it's right for me. Might not make sense, might not be a PPD, but that's what we're doing! Love it.

    ______________________________________


    You might be renewing your vows, but you're not "getting married" unless you plan to get divorced every year as well. I think that sounds very sweet.

    The distinction is that with a PPD, the wife/husband are pretending they're getting married again - they invite everyone, call it a wedding, do the big ceremony, wear the big white dress, etc. Literally, it's a fake wedding. That's the difference. I think it's really sweet that you and your H plan to privately recite your vows to each other each year. :)

    ETF: quote boxes.. wth
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]aurorajanetteBlue_Bird
  • Maybe us Canadians are weird, but I've never even heard of a PPD?  This seems like such a bizarre concept!

    The closest thing I've ever heard of is when people do a destination wedding and then when they come back, have a big reception.  There's no ceremony, that part is over...but they have a big reception for everyone who wasn't able to attend the destination.

    Would that be considered a PPD? or is that just a party?
  • Maybe us Canadians are weird, but I've never even heard of a PPD?  This seems like such a bizarre concept!

    The closest thing I've ever heard of is when people do a destination wedding and then when they come back, have a big reception.  There's no ceremony, that part is over...but they have a big reception for everyone who wasn't able to attend the destination.

    Would that be considered a PPD? or is that just a party?
    I (and most other TK users) don't consider this a PPD, especially if the big party is absent of wedding-ish details. If you're just hosting people because you want a big party, go for it. 
    image
  • PDKH said:
    Maybe us Canadians are weird, but I've never even heard of a PPD?  This seems like such a bizarre concept!

    The closest thing I've ever heard of is when people do a destination wedding and then when they come back, have a big reception.  There's no ceremony, that part is over...but they have a big reception for everyone who wasn't able to attend the destination.

    Would that be considered a PPD? or is that just a party?
    I (and most other TK users) don't consider this a PPD, especially if the big party is absent of wedding-ish details. If you're just hosting people because you want a big party, go for it. 
    Oh no, I'm not doing that...I'm just baffled by this whole concept of a PPD!  If these are the closest people in your life, why would you LIE to them all???  It just seems incredibly bizarre to even think of doing something like this!

    If you want a small wedding, have a small wedding.  If you want a big wedding (and can afford it) then do...but make up your mind!

    Oh, the politics of weddings...

    EDIT: And which anniversary do you celebrate?  Wouldn't your guests be confused when you celebrate your anniversary on a different date than the 'wedding' they thought they attended?
    See, this is exactly the point we keep trying to make to people! Thank you for proving it's not really that difficult a concept and that some people are just stubbornly determined to be rude.
    image
    PolarBearFitz
  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    PDKH said:
    Maybe us Canadians are weird, but I've never even heard of a PPD?  This seems like such a bizarre concept!

    The closest thing I've ever heard of is when people do a destination wedding and then when they come back, have a big reception.  There's no ceremony, that part is over...but they have a big reception for everyone who wasn't able to attend the destination.

    Would that be considered a PPD? or is that just a party?
    I (and most other TK users) don't consider this a PPD, especially if the big party is absent of wedding-ish details. If you're just hosting people because you want a big party, go for it. 
    Oh no, I'm not doing that...I'm just baffled by this whole concept of a PPD!  If these are the closest people in your life, why would you LIE to them all???  It just seems incredibly bizarre to even think of doing something like this!

    If you want a small wedding, have a small wedding.  If you want a big wedding (and can afford it) then do...but make up your mind!

    Oh, the politics of weddings...

    EDIT: And which anniversary do you celebrate?  Wouldn't your guests be confused when you celebrate your anniversary on a different date than the 'wedding' they thought they attended?
    Thank you for someone having sense. You are awesome.

    The bolded is definitely one of my lingering thoughts/questions as well. How in the heck do they determine their anniversary? Are they celebrating the day they were legally married or the day they through themselves a fake ceremony?

    If your anniversary is the fake ceremony day then are you lying to yourselves for the rest of your life? Seems that way to me...so weird.

  • We are friends with three Colorado couples who didn't do things the old fashioned way. All of the couples celebrate the anniversary of the day they had their symbolic wedding ceremonies. 

    Couple #1 went to the courthouse signed their papers just the two of them, had a big reception that night for all of their local friends and family then flew to Mexico with a much smaller group and had their symbolic ceremony there. At the time (2006) she said they may acknowledge the date they had their local reception but that they would celebrate their wedding anniversary on the anniversary date of their ceremony in Mexico. I actually asked at the time because they were the first couple I knew who went about things that way. 

    Couple #2 had their date and venue in booked in Puerto Aventuras, MX when the groom-to-be's Mom started hemming and hawing about her church, even though the couple had no affiliation to said church (or the brand of Christianity she subscribes to). They did the math and realized if they filed their 2011 taxes as married they'd come out ahead and have more money for their wedding in Mexico the next year. So they had a small ceremony at the mom's church in December of 2011 with just his parents, filed their marriage license the same day and had their symbolic ceremony in Mexico in May 2012 as planned with a much larger group in attendance. They celebrate their anniversary in May each year. They do not acknowledge the December anniversary.

    Finally, Couple #3, they did things a little different. Our BFF's went to Cabo earlier this year (April) had their symbolic wedding with just their immediate family then had a friends-only backyard BBQ in July and signed their marriage license then. Colorado doesn't require witnesses but they wanted a few of us to sign it. I guarantee neither of them even remember the date of the BBQ unless they look at the license because it was another week or two before she got around to dropping it off at the courthouse for filing. They plan to celebrate their wedding anniversary in April. 

    Obviously, if a couple is going to the trouble of having what you all refer to as a PPD (I call it a wedding) it is significant enough to them to want to celebrate it yearly. If they were to hypothetically celebrate both dates every year, who cares?
    [Deleted User]dongyeongKnottie82772322
  • Jen4948 said:
    Those who don't appreciate being lied to would care.
    None of the three couples I used as examples lied to anyone that I'm aware of. I'm also not usually aware when any couple is celebrating their anniversary (or anniversaries as it could be) because up until the popularity of FB I wasn't generally aware it was someone's anniversary. Even if I attended their wedding, chances are good I wouldn't remember year in, year out. Anniversaries are personal remembrances, not generally community affairs, with the exception of the big ones that families like to celebrate as a group. My point was really, each couple I used as an example celebrates ONE anniversary, the date they had their symbolic ceremony, not their civil proceeding. 
    AroundTheBlockdongyeong
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited November 2013
    Jen4948 said:
    Those who don't appreciate being lied to would care.
    None of the three couples I used as examples lied to anyone that I'm aware of. I'm also not usually aware when any couple is celebrating their anniversary (or anniversaries as it could be) because up until the popularity of FB I wasn't generally aware it was someone's anniversary. Even if I attended their wedding, chances are good I wouldn't remember year in, year out. Anniversaries are personal remembrances, not generally community affairs, with the exception of the big ones that families like to celebrate as a group. My point was really, each couple I used as an example celebrates ONE anniversary, the date they had their symbolic ceremony, not their civil proceeding. 
    Sorry, but getting married at all is a communal and social act-it is not merely a personal act.  Whichever comes first is your wedding.  The symbolic ceremony is not your wedding if you already had a civil one.  You're still not getting it, even though it's been brought to your attention any number of times.  And given that it's very easy to find out online and otherwise exactly when someone was "married" civilly, you can't count on its being kept a secret-and people are going to be pissed that you lied to them, especially if you've been claiming the government, insurance, and other benefits of marriage while holding yourself out as "not married."
    aurorajanettemiaawallaceRebeccaB88
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Those who don't appreciate being lied to would care.
    None of the three couples I used as examples lied to anyone that I'm aware of. I'm also not usually aware when any couple is celebrating their anniversary (or anniversaries as it could be) because up until the popularity of FB I wasn't generally aware it was someone's anniversary. Even if I attended their wedding, chances are good I wouldn't remember year in, year out. Anniversaries are personal remembrances, not generally community affairs, with the exception of the big ones that families like to celebrate as a group. My point was really, each couple I used as an example celebrates ONE anniversary, the date they had their symbolic ceremony, not their civil proceeding. 
    Sorry, but getting married at all is a communal and social act-it is not merely a personal act.  Whichever comes first is your wedding.  The symbolic ceremony is not your wedding if you already had a civil one.  You're still not getting it, even though it's been brought to your attention any number of times.  And given that it's very easy to find out online and otherwise exactly when someone was "married" civilly, you can't count on its being kept a secret-and people are going to be pissed that you lied to them, especially if you've been claiming the government, insurance, and other benefits of marriage while holding yourself out as "not married."
    I'm sorry, I don't remember referencing myself or my particular situation in any of the examples above. Oh, right, that's because I didn't. I used examples of six other people my FI and I are friends with who have had similar, but not quite the same, set-ups over the last several years. Their marriages have nothing to do with me. Two PP's wondered on this board when people who have multiple weddings celebrate their anniversaries. I answered the question as multiple friends of ours have been down this road before us, therefore we have knowledge of such things and I don't have to wonder, I already know. As for what we're doing, there's nothing that hasn't been said umpteen times before so there's no point going back through any of it. This (civil followed by symbolic ceremonies) is a pretty normal procedure for a lot of people it would seem and the anniversary question is no longer a mystery, it has been answered. 
    [Deleted User]dongyeongperdonami
  • arrippaarrippa Sam Adams Craft Commonwealth member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Just sayin-the ignore button works very well.

    southernbelle0915Fran1985 RebeccaB88
  • mobkaz said:
    @STBMrsEVerhart said.............."We are friends with three Colorado couples who didn't do things the old fashioned way. All of the couples celebrate the anniversary of the day they had their symbolic wedding ceremonies."

    So.....being truthful is now considered "old fashioned"?  

    @aefitz........I agree.  She is a troll who engages in this almost daily.  I refuse to engage with her.  However, it does not surprise me at all that someone of her caliber would associate with people who, like her, prefer to lie and scam the government.  Ironically, because of her preference for the non-truth, I don't put much credence in her tales of "couples she knows", either.
    image

    MobKazEmmy1493PrettyGirlLostgrumbledore
  • aefitz29 said:


    mobkaz said:

    @STBMrsEVerhart said.............."We are friends with three Colorado couples who didn't do things the old fashioned way. All of the couples celebrate the anniversary of the day they had their symbolic wedding ceremonies."

    So.....being truthful is now considered "old fashioned"?  

    @aefitz........I agree.  She is a troll who engages in this almost daily.  I refuse to engage with her.  However, it does not surprise me at all that someone of her caliber would associate with people who, like her, prefer to lie and scam the government.  Ironically, because of her preference for the non-truth, I don't put much credence in her tales of "couples she knows", either.

    image





    Now, aefitz29, you're the one who inquired about how people with multiple weddings decide which anniversary to celebrate. Because you don't like my answer, that doesn't make me a troll. Whether you think my friends are real or not is not my problem, but to call them liars is patently false, if you read and comprehended what I wrote above. What I've discovered through all of this is that a combo of separate civil/symbolic ceremonies is NBFD everywhere else except here on TK. So you all have fun with that. And please, make sure to enjoy your Thanksgiving.

    [Deleted User]positivek[Deleted User]dongyeong
  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    mobkaz said:
    @STBMrsEVerhart said.............."We are friends with three Colorado couples who didn't do things the old fashioned way. All of the couples celebrate the anniversary of the day they had their symbolic wedding ceremonies."

    So.....being truthful is now considered "old fashioned"?  

    @aefitz........I agree.  She is a troll who engages in this almost daily.  I refuse to engage with her.  However, it does not surprise me at all that someone of her caliber would associate with people who, like her, prefer to lie and scam the government.  Ironically, because of her preference for the non-truth, I don't put much credence in her tales of "couples she knows", either.
    image
    Now, aefitz29, you're the one who inquired about how people with multiple weddings decide which anniversary to celebrate. Because you don't like my answer, that doesn't make me a troll. Whether you think my friends are real or not is not my problem, but to call them liars is patently false, if you read and comprehended what I wrote above. What I've discovered through all of this is that a combo of separate civil/symbolic ceremonies is NBFD everywhere else except here on TK. So you all have fun with that. And please, make sure to enjoy your Thanksgiving.

    I mean my question was really for anybody but you. My apologies for not specifying that in my original post. Enjoy keeping your lies straight with your family and friends this Thanksgiving. I am sure it will be a lovely circus.

    In reference to the bolded, do you not think any of the girls here who have told you how poor of a choice this is exist in the real world?

    grumbledore
  • What I've discovered through all of this is that a combo of separate civil/symbolic ceremonies is NBFD everywhere else except here on TK. So you all have fun with that.

    You know, all I thought to this was that some like McDonald's, some like fine dining.  It's a difference of class and taste.
    (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a big mac on occassion - but not for a formal event)
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