Wedding Etiquette Forum

Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

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Re: Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

  • I had no idea so many people were butt-hurt about it.

     People were mad about missing my notary paperwork ceremony and wanted me to have a wedding, I wanted a wedding too.

     I wasn't going to do a registry or showers or any of that stuff and people wanted them..

      I have to say that the military was the factor in having to split the dates apart, that doesn't seem to be part of this discussion by knotties much. (totally not a huge deal in military bride forums)

    Like what if they have orders that prevent you from seeing each other until the paperwork is signed?

     Why wait for them to get leave if you cannot see them in that time period.
    (not entirely true, I could drive 380 miles  both ways and sleep in my car to see him for a few hours on certain weekends, were he had to be accompanied by another soldier and in uniform the whole time(aka no pda), and spend my food money on gasoline, which I did do for months, after not seeing him for months when he was only letter-writable)

    just saying there are circumstances I could describe to anyone who's upset about it, but I really thought maybe one or two ppl of a hundred might be offended , (and those grumpy trouble guests will be offended by just about anything at any given time.)

    This forum makes me fear that the anger is going to be like 80%people griping,

    I thought most people will be happy to celebrate with dancing free-food and booze..

    The military bride forums have people getting butt-hurt closer to 10% so splitting that demographic difference, maybe only some 20% of guests will be butt-hurt and need the lengthy explanation, hopefully it doesn't always have to be me expalining to 20 people thanks for coming, no we don't need gifts, yes we are legally married, maybe he can explain the deployment stuff, maybe the bridesmaids can smooth things over so there aint a bunch grinches hanging out all butt-hurt in corners.

    Thanks for the heads-up, I'll prepare some kind of statement I guess for da grinches,
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited November 2013
    image

    @aefitz29 - can you see this one?

    aurorajanettegrumbledoredoeydo
  • @maggie0829 your picture is not showing :-/

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    rigel496 said:
    I had no idea so many people were butt-hurt about it.

     People were mad about missing my notary paperwork ceremony and wanted me to have a wedding, I wanted a wedding too.  That notary paperwork IS what makes you married. . . it's your marriage license.  I assume you are in the US, and you can't get married in the US without one.  Therefore, that was your wedding.  What you wanted was a big frou frou ceremony.  So why didn't you just do that if that is what you really wanted, rather than just going to the JOP?

     I wasn't going to do a registry or showers or any of that stuff and people wanted them..

      I have to say that the military was the factor in having to split the dates apart, that doesn't seem to be part of this discussion by knotties much. (totally not a huge deal in military bride forums)  A Ha!  As I suspected, you got married at the JOP because you wanted to take advantage of government benefits, like right now!  You chose not to wait for those benefits.  Being in the military is not an excuse to choose immediate government benefits over the wedding you really want, and then have a PPD later because you didn't get the wedding you really wanted.

    Do you actually read the Military Brides forum?  Because I don't think they take kindly to using the military as an excuse for PPDs.


    Like what if they have orders that prevent you from seeing each other until the paperwork is signed?  Then you wait until they get back to get married.  Just like all of my military friends did.  No one had a PPD.

     Why wait for them to get leave if you cannot see them in that time period.
    (not entirely true, I could drive 380 miles  both ways and sleep in my car to see him for a few hours on certain weekends, were he had to be accompanied by another soldier and in uniform the whole time(aka no pda), and spend my food money on gasoline, which I did do for months, after not seeing him for months when he was only letter-writable)  Why wait?  Because part of being an adult is making adult decisions and sacrifices.  If you wanted a big frou frou wedding, you both should have waited until you could do that, so that you don't offend and hurt your family and friends.  If you are going to have a PPD, please consider their feelings and be honest with them that you are already married. 

    just saying there are circumstances I could describe to anyone who's upset about it, but I really thought maybe one or two ppl of a hundred might be offended , (and those grumpy trouble guests will be offended by just about anything at any given time.)  We have heard dozens of these "special circumstances" across these boards.  For the most part, they are pretty much the same over and over.

    This forum makes me fear that the anger is going to be like 80%people griping,

    I thought most people will be happy to celebrate with dancing free-food and booze..Most people are happy doing that. . . they aren't happy after spending time and money to travel to what they think is a wedding, bring you a gift, etc and then discover after the fact that you were already married and the event they went to was not a real wedding.  The main issue is that people get hurt because they were lied to.

    The military bride forums have people getting butt-hurt closer to 10% so splitting that demographic difference, maybe only some 20% of guests will be butt-hurt and need the lengthy explanation, hopefully it doesn't always have to be me expalining to 20 people thanks for coming, no we don't need gifts, yes we are legally married, maybe he can explain the deployment stuff, maybe the bridesmaids can smooth things over so there aint a bunch grinches hanging out all butt-hurt in corners.

    Thanks for the heads-up, I'll prepare some kind of statement I guess for da grinches,
    Look, here's the deal.  It's more than just being "butt hurt."  It's the fact that you and your Husband got married in a rush so that you could claim certain benefits of being married, which in and of itself isn't the issue. 

    The issue is that you and your husband seem to be planning to keep your marriage a secret from your friends and family in order to plan and throw another "wedding".  They will all think they are  going to an actual wedding, when in fact they are not.  And this may cause them to be very hurt when they find out, and they will because these secrets always come out.  The deception will probably offend and hurt them more than your fake wedding ceremony.

    So I urge you to be totally up front with everyone and tell them you are already married.  When you send out STDs or invitations, do not include the word wedding, instead use the phrasing "join us in the celebration of our marriage" or something to that effect.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    KeptInStitchesaurorajanettedoeydo
  • @ KnotPorscha
    Why is this an announcement?
    It doesn't announce anything , except that author of the tread is not very informed.

    " In some countries, such as France, Spain, Germany, Turkey, Argentina, Japan and Russia, it is necessary to be married by government authority separately from any religious ceremony, with the state ceremony being the legally binding one. In those cases, the marriage is usually legalized before the ceremony"

    This is from here, but one can read it on different websites. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_law

    Legally married means only one thing - married according to the law. And if the law requires that you get married in a court ( weekdays, 9 to 5) it's understandable that the celebration will most likely be some other day, convenient to the guests.

    It is still an international forum, is it not?



    ivoryivy
  • @TiaTea
    Did you even read the whole post??

    Obviously not.

    This is an announcement, because seriously how many times do the regulars on this board have to answer the posts that come up multiple times per day about PPD's just because the special snowflakes are too speshul to use the search tool or even look at a post that was made earlier in the day? Pretty much every single one of these posts is made by someone in the US or Canada looking for exceptions to the rule, and the great advice in this column sums up all of the responses that they would get anyway. It just saves people from having to write the same information over and over again.

    The issue of weddings happening in other countries is addressed in this thread, so it is pretty obvious that you didn't read it.
    banana468doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • @aurorajanette
    "Did you even read the whole post"
    Unfortunately I read it, trying to find the actual announcement. Turned out it was pretty much just a chatter, nothing announced.

    how many times do the regulars on this board have to answer

    Did anybody ever addressed such a questions to "the regulars" ? Why did they feel that they "have to" answer? Anybody can answer. Have you ever seen a question "What does a regular think about my decision to do so and so? "
    Usually the questions are of a practical nature - "how to make it interesting, what to serve" , etc.

    And since the tread is in ettiquettte,
    "Polite people show other adults the respect of acknowledging - or pretending - that they ( the other adults)  must know best how to run their own lives. They do not ask insulting questions, make accusations, draw unpleasant morals or offer unsolicited advice"
    Miss Manners
    jenniferurspsychbabe314kkjane
  • Pesonally, I enjoyed the AMResorts chick encouraging just this very idea right here on The Knot yesterday during the live chat. Right or wrong, I thought it was amusing :-) The outrage, apoplexy and pearl clutching must have been EPIC! LMFAO. 
    pbi9994perdonami
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    TiaTea said:
    @ KnotPorscha
    Why is this an announcement?
    It doesn't announce anything , except that author of the tread is not very informed.

    " In some countries, such as France, Spain, Germany, Turkey, Argentina, Japan and Russia, it is necessary to be married by government authority separately from any religious ceremony, with the state ceremony being the legally binding one. In those cases, the marriage is usually legalized before the ceremony"

    This is from here, but one can read it on different websites. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_law

    Legally married means only one thing - married according to the law. And if the law requires that you get married in a court ( weekdays, 9 to 5) it's understandable that the celebration will most likely be some other day, convenient to the guests.

    It is still an international forum, is it not?



    TiaTea, what this refers to is that in a society where the legal and religious recognition of a marriage takes place during the same ceremony, it is not appropriate to have multiple ceremonies and then pretend that the first didn't happen because it lacked some element, while at the same time claiming to be "married" in order to be eligible for benefits that are available only to married couples. 

    The fact that legal and religious ceremonies are required in countries other than the USA in no way makes this polite in the USA or any other country which doesn't have this requirement.  So while this is an international board, yes, we tend to apply North American standards of behavior because the vast majority of users are from North America.
    KeptInStitchesaurorajanettedoeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • edited November 2013
    Oh, I'm not pearl-clutching, STBMrsEverhart. I'm just not impressed.

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    ETA: Dammit, picture not working...

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    Maggie0829doeydoKeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLost
  • Pesonally, I enjoyed the AMResorts chick encouraging just this very idea right here on The Knot yesterday during the live chat. Right or wrong, I thought it was amusing :-) The outrage, apoplexy and pearl clutching must have been EPIC! LMFAO. 
    Yes, because a person in the wedding industry would never encourage a bad idea even when money is to be made.  *rolling eyes**
    Oh, she not only encouraged it, she then went on to explain how she and her husband did it. So not only does she sell travel packages regardless of what she has to say to do it, she's a morally corrupt, admitted LIAR. :-) I can't believe the admins left this up! 
    perdonami
  • aefitz29 said:
    Pesonally, I enjoyed the AMResorts chick encouraging just this very idea right here on The Knot yesterday during the live chat. Right or wrong, I thought it was amusing :-) The outrage, apoplexy and pearl clutching must have been EPIC! LMFAO. 
    I've seen you reference this act on several occasions and FFS not everyone who has an issue with your lack of etiquette is clutching/wearing pearls. Shouldn't you have the pearls with the PPD you are having? We aren't all librarians sipping tea in a cardigan discussing etiquette books with our beloved pearls. Some of us just enjoy good manners and not being lied to...
    I'm not wearing a wedding dress, let alone pearls. I'm glad you all enjoy good manners, so few individuals care in these depraved times. Please promise me you'll all be tracking down that awful AMResorts girl and letting her know what a discourteous ass she is, and that what she did is just plain wrong! You wouldn't want any lurkers reading that type of advice and getting the wrong idea.
    perdonami
  • Oh, I'm not pearl-clutching, STBMrsEverhart. I'm just not impressed.

    image

    ETA: Dammit, picture not working...

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    Excellent. You posted a picture of a brat and a buffoon. You sure showed me. I recant everything! 
  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    aefitz29 said:
    Pesonally, I enjoyed the AMResorts chick encouraging just this very idea right here on The Knot yesterday during the live chat. Right or wrong, I thought it was amusing :-) The outrage, apoplexy and pearl clutching must have been EPIC! LMFAO. 
    I've seen you reference this act on several occasions and FFS not everyone who has an issue with your lack of etiquette is clutching/wearing pearls. Shouldn't you have the pearls with the PPD you are having? We aren't all librarians sipping tea in a cardigan discussing etiquette books with our beloved pearls. Some of us just enjoy good manners and not being lied to...
    I'm not wearing a wedding dress, let alone pearls. I'm glad you all enjoy good manners, so few individuals care in these depraved times. Please promise me you'll all be tracking down that awful AMResorts girl and letting her know what a discourteous ass she is, and that what she did is just plain wrong! You wouldn't want any lurkers reading that type of advice and getting the wrong idea.
    Eh...your advice and discourteous behavior is much worse. You aren't a salesperson trying to do a job. You're just trying to sell your event as a wedding when it isn't and omission as if it is not lying...good luck with that.

    aurorajanetteKeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLost
  • Oh, I'm not pearl-clutching, STBMrsEverhart. I'm just not impressed.

    image

    ETA: Dammit, picture not working...

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    Excellent. You posted a picture of a brat and a buffoon. You sure showed me. I recant everything! 
    STBMrsEverhart, with every post, you make a bigger ass of yourself. Maybe you enjoy making yourself look like an idiot, but really it's just sad to the rest of us. If you don't like the advice by the users on the the E board, go find another site where your shitty ideas and bad manners will be validated.
    So I make fun of your crappy meme and I'm the idiot? Yea, ok. I don't need or want validation. I'm a grown woman who does not lack confidence. Validation is for sheep and people who are not sure of themselves. I am neither.
  • NYCBruin said:
    Oh, I'm not pearl-clutching, STBMrsEverhart. I'm just not impressed.

    image

    ETA: Dammit, picture not working...

    image
    Excellent. You posted a picture of a brat and a buffoon. You sure showed me. I recant everything! 
    STBMrsEverhart, with every post, you make a bigger ass of yourself. Maybe you enjoy making yourself look like an idiot, but really it's just sad to the rest of us. If you don't like the advice by the users on the the E board, go find another site where your shitty ideas and bad manners will be validated.
    So I make fun of your crappy meme and I'm the idiot? Yea, ok. I don't need or want validation. I'm a grown woman who does not lack confidence. Validation is for sheep and people who are not sure of themselves. I am neither.


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    Yes, it's a lack of confidence that stops most people from lying to their guests and having multiple parties to celebrate themselves.

    ETA quote box problems.
    No, it's a lack of confidence that makes some seek validation. People lie for all sorts of reasons. And throw parties for even more than that. But validation, validation just saddens me. 
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