Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

Jells2dot0

 

 

dianaloveserik said:

Frankly I have to say I'm really, REALLY offended by this post. At first I actually thought it was satire until I started reading the comments and was shocked to realize the OP is serious.

Since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a beautiful wedding ceremony surrounded by friends and family. Since I got engaged in August of 2012, I've been planning every single detail of that wedding with the intention of making it a beautiful celebration of love between my fiance and I, a celebration we get to share with our family and friends, a celebration that we and our loved ones will remember for years to come.

In August of 2013, thanks to the supposedly-wonderful "affordable" care act (don't get me started), my fiance's small law firm was unable to stay on their current plan because costs were going to increase about 66%. They had to switch to another plan that was a comparable price, but copays went up, benefits were drastically cut, and none-literally none-of my fiance's providers were on the new plan. He has a lot of health problems, both mental and physical, and was just about done a 6-month nutritional counseling program to get ready for gastric sleeve surgery which he wanted to have done before the wedding and which would not have been covered under the new plan. I have awesome government health insurance, so the logical thing to do would be to get legally married so he could get on mine. Pushing the wedding up was not an option at this point, thousands of dollars had been put into deposits and vendors and it was simply too late to move up the wedding. So we had to have a quick legal marriage on the sly. Here is your first issue. Have the legal wedding, but don't do it on the sly. That just sounds deceitful to everyone in your life. Everyone understands the circumstances, so people will be accepting of it when you tell them.

Now, OP and others may call this a "choice" ... but if you put yourself in my shoes you'll realize how insensitive that makes you sound. If the person you loved was about to lose all the doctors he's developed a rapport with and who understand all his medical issues, and wouldn't be able to get a surgery that he really wanted to get before the wedding, and have to pay twice as much in copays when money is already tight, would you really just be like "sorry you're SOL until the wedding, deal with it for a few months"? If you loved that person, NO!! You would do whatever it took to get them the care that they need, because you love them, and you want them to be happy and healthy. If there is anyone here who would prioritize being able to have a big wedding over being able to ensure the health of their fiance, sorry but you are marrying the wrong person. So why should one have to choose? Why should one be punished for a selfless act of love? As an adult, we all make tough choices. Putting your loved one before a big "dream" wedding is the right thing to do. But, we do not always get to live out our dreams. You had to do what you had to do- get married to help a loved one.

Was I hesitant about it because it was going to make our no-longer-"real" marriage in March less special? Yes, I was. But after talking about it with my fiance he convinced me that we would still make our wedding ceremony a special day, the day that we write and recite our own vows, memorialize our commitment with a sand ceremony, and share all this with the friends and family who we love and who love us. Our officiant even said that she does this regularly and she will give us a separate marriage "certificate" (not a legal document) to commemorate our wedding day, so obviously it's not that uncommon or bad a thing. The problem is that you can no longer call it a wedding or a marriage. If you want to go through with your plans, you must call it a vow renewal or celebration of your marriage. You can already be married and still have a big celebration. Just don't call it a wedding.

We are both attorneys and had a friend who is a District Magistrate perform the ceremony in his office after work one day. We were both in business suits (I don't even remember what color I was wearing or anything). Two members of his staff, who we did not know, were our witnesses. The entire "ceremony" lasted about 2 minutes. We didn't even say "I do" we just answered "yes" or "I will" or something like that. No special vows. No rings were exchanged. Then we signed on the dotted line. So yes we were legally married but we did not have the opportunity for a full-out sharing our feelings of love for each other and being surrounded by family and friends that really was so important to us for our wedding ceremony. But, you could have done that. You just chose not to. People do exchange vows and rings in JOP ceremonies all of the time. My BIL and SIL did.

And in no way am I trying to dilute the importance of marriages when the people choose to get married at city hall. There is nothing wrong with that. They do that by choice, because it's what they want. They bring friends to witness, bride wears white, they exchange rings and kiss and all. That is what they want and there is nothing wrong with that. But it doesn't mean that EVERYONE who has a courthouse marriage has to give up their right to a big wedding, especially if that IS what they want. There is no such thing as a "right" to a big wedding. It's a privelege that some people have. Big weddings are unnecessary and optional and sometimes it works out to have one and other times it does not. You have no idea how selfish that statement sounded. Marriage is about love and unselfishness.

And also, I have been to a wedding where the bride & groom were already married, similar to us, for insurance purposes.  Sounds like you knew about their situation. DON'T LIE!!!! Tell everyone upfront that you're already married!!! People will probably still celebrate with you. Have the big party. It's just silly to pretend it's a wedding, because you can't have a wedding if you are already married to the person. I thought the ceremony was beautiful and I was very happy for them that they had the opportunity to read their vows and share their love with their family and friends. Just because it wasn't the legal ceremony didn't make it "fake" ... the love for each other that I saw in them was as real as real can be. I was honored to be a part of it and I don't feel any differently about that wedding than I do about weddings where the people were legally married that day.

I just think you are being extremely judgmental about a situation that you've clearly never found yourself in and therefore have no right to tell others how they should behave in such a situation. You are being judgemental because YOU have no idea what position anyone has been in on here. There are lots of us who had to make tough adult decisions and decided to do it with tact.   Maybe in the 1980s your post would make sense, but these days with the economy being the way it is some people are between a rock and a hard place so to speak and are put in a position where they really do HAVE TO get married. You should walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you pass judgment on them. Yep, so don't pass judgement on us.

That's all I have to say; this thread is angering me so much I'm not even going to follow up on it. I've spoken my peace.

edit-I tried to fix the formatting, but FAIL. also spelling.

grumbledore

You're not special. Ffs.

kkitkat79

I really don't understand why getting married in front of hundreds of people is so important, but even if it is life happens and things change and we need to adjust. If circumstances make it necessary to push the wedding up and go the JOP route, invite all the important people like your parents, siblings, close friends and it will be the most memorable ceremony because you promised to be with each over forever in front of the people who matter the most. You can still have an awesome party later so no need to worry about losing deposits and such. Just don't call it a wedding. Call it the most awesome party to celebrate your marriage. Have a spotlight dance instead of the first dance if you must, get creative to make it a great and special party and who cares that it is not your wedding. It is still a great party that celebrates your marriage with a bunch of people who love you and you don't need to lie to them.

JCbride2015

dianaloveserik said:

Frankly I have to say I'm really, REALLY offended by this post. At first I actually thought it was satire until I started reading the comments and was shocked to realize the OP is serious.

Since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a beautiful wedding ceremony surrounded by friends and family. Since I got engaged in August of 2012, I've been planning every single detail of that wedding with the intention of making it a beautiful celebration of love between my fiance and I, a celebration we get to share with our family and friends, a celebration that we and our loved ones will remember for years to come.

In August of 2013, thanks to the supposedly-wonderful "affordable" care act (don't get me started), my fiance's small law firm was unable to stay on their current plan because costs were going to increase about 66%. They had to switch to another plan that was a comparable price, but copays went up, benefits were drastically cut, and none-literally none-of my fiance's providers were on the new plan. He has a lot of health problems, both mental and physical, and was just about done a 6-month nutritional counseling program to get ready for gastric sleeve surgery which he wanted to have done before the wedding and which would not have been covered under the new plan. I have awesome government health insurance, so the logical thing to do would be to get legally married so he could get on mine. Pushing the wedding up was not an option at this point, thousands of dollars had been put into deposits and vendors and it was simply too late to move up the wedding. So we had to have a quick legal marriage on the sly. 

Now, OP and others may call this a "choice" ... but if you put yourself in my shoes you'll realize how insensitive that makes you sound. If the person you loved was about to lose all the doctors he's developed a rapport with and who understand all his medical issues, and wouldn't be able to get a surgery that he really wanted to get before the wedding, and have to pay twice as much in copays when money is already tight, would you really just be like "sorry you're SOL until the wedding, deal with it for a few months"? If you loved that person, NO!! You would do whatever it took to get them the care that they need, because you love them, and you want them to be happy and healthy. If there is anyone here who would prioritize being able to have a big wedding over being able to ensure the health of their fiance, sorry but you are marrying the wrong person. So why should one have to choose? Why should one be punished for a selfless act of love?

Was I hesitant about it because it was going to make our no-longer-"real" marriage in March less special? Yes, I was. But after talking about it with my fiance he convinced me that we would still make our wedding ceremony a special day, the day that we write and recite our own vows, memorialize our commitment with a sand ceremony, and share all this with the friends and family who we love and who love us. Our officiant even said that she does this regularly and she will give us a separate marriage "certificate" (not a legal document) to commemorate our wedding day, so obviously it's not that uncommon or bad a thing.

We are both attorneys and had a friend who is a District Magistrate perform the ceremony in his office after work one day. We were both in business suits (I don't even remember what color I was wearing or anything). Two members of his staff, who we did not know, were our witnesses. The entire "ceremony" lasted about 2 minutes. We didn't even say "I do" we just answered "yes" or "I will" or something like that. No special vows. No rings were exchanged. Then we signed on the dotted line. So yes we were legally married but we did not have the opportunity for a full-out sharing our feelings of love for each other and being surrounded by family and friends that really was so important to us for our wedding ceremony.

And in no way am I trying to dilute the importance of marriages when the people choose to get married at city hall. There is nothing wrong with that. They do that by choice, because it's what they want. They bring friends to witness, bride wears white, they exchange rings and kiss and all. That is what they want and there is nothing wrong with that. But it doesn't mean that EVERYONE who has a courthouse marriage has to give up their right to a big wedding, especially if that IS what they want.

And also, I have been to a wedding where the bride & groom were already married, similar to us, for insurance purposes. I thought the ceremony was beautiful and I was very happy for them that they had the opportunity to read their vows and share their love with their family and friends. Just because it wasn't the legal ceremony didn't make it "fake" ... the love for each other that I saw in them was as real as real can be. I was honored to be a part of it and I don't feel any differently about that wedding than I do about weddings where the people were legally married that day.

I just think you are being extremely judgmental about a situation that you've clearly never found yourself in and therefore have no right to tell others how they should behave in such a situation. Maybe in the 1980s your post would make sense, but these days with the economy being the way it is some people are between a rock and a hard place so to speak and are put in a position where they really do HAVE TO get married. You should walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you pass judgment on them.

That's all I have to say; this thread is angering me so much I'm not even going to follow up on it. I've spoken my peace.

@Jells2dot0 pretty much has it covered, but I want to add this.

@dianaloveserikHow is it possible that you are an attorney, yet you don't consider yourself married until your PPD?  Marriage is a legal status.  I'd like to see you just "consider" yourself an attorney without being admitted to the bar first.

Here's a fun quote for you.

Rule 8.4 Misconduct

It is professional misconduct for a lawyer to:

(a) violate or attempt to violate the Rules of Professional Conduct, knowingly assist or induce another to do so, or do so through the acts of another;

(b) commit a criminal act that reflects adversely on the lawyer's honesty, trustworthiness or fitness as a lawyer in other respects;

(c) engage in conduct involving dishonesty, fraud, deceit or misrepresentation;

(d) engage in conduct that is prejudicial to the administration of justice;

(e) state or imply an ability to influence improperly a government agency or official or to achieve results by means that violate the Rules of Professional Conduct or other law; or

(f) knowingly assist a judge or judicial officer in conduct that is a violation of applicable rules of judicial conduct or other law.

ETA: I'm pretty sure insurance fraud counts as fraud and deceit, because you aren't "really" married, right?  Or, oh no-- you ARE really married?  So then why are you having a "wedding?"  

You aren't special.  Thousands of people before you have made that same choice an owned their decisions.

LDay2014

@dianaloveserik it's very simple...if you lie to your guests about whether or not you are already married you're incredibly dishonest and tacky.

If you say 'Hey, we got married so that we could keep him healthy so lets all get together to celebrate that!' then you're fine.

The issues and judgement comes in whether or not you are LYING (even if by omission) to your guests - you know, the ones you say are the nearest and dearest to you?

AroundTheBlock

JCBride2014 said:

... Marriage is a legal status.  ..

"Marriage" certainly does have a legal dimension. It is, however, observed by anthropologists to exist across all human cultures, in varying forms, including cultures that do not have a legal system, cultures in which the legal system does not address marriage, and cultures (like the twenty-first century west) where social marriage can and does exist separate from legal marriage. A typical anthropological definition of marriage is "A culturally sanctioned union between two or more people that establishes certain rights and obligations between the people, between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. Such marriage rights and obligations most often include, but are not limited to, sex, labor, property, childrearing, exchange, and status."

From a social perspective, we do not generally consider legal actions something that requires social celebration. We rarely hold formal parties for people who have paid their parking ticket or signed a consulting contract. What makes marriage in particular worth celebrating, is that relationships between people and family groupings make up the fabric of society. "Married" people play a different role in society than do single people: they are invited to all social events as a couple, they are expected to entertain as a couple, they bring children into the social grouping that they then have the responsibility to rear and to whom they must teach social responsibility. You may say that people do all these things without being married -- and that is true within the narrow legalistic definition of marriage -- but in fact society (and etiquette) has always recognized that such relationships are in fact marriage even without the legalities. That is why you have some ground to stand on when you claim "etiquette requires all 'significant others' to be invited."  That is also why traditional etiquette discouraged people with children and people living together from having big weddings because such a celebration -- even when the papers were actually being signed. A fancy party when you are already functioning as a married couple was seen as inappropriately selfish.

Which means, that throwing stones at other people's "pretty princess days" might point out the selfishness of using "but I really signed the paper at MINE" as an excuse to be your own guest of honour.

But the anthropological definitions of marriage all emphasise the role of social sanction or cultural sanction in marriage. That is the biggest role played by the marriage-focussed large social gathering, whether you call it a wedding or a "pretty princess day". It is a chance for the community to show their sanction for the couple's relationship, and a chance for the community to observe the outward signs of the couple's commitment -- be it vows, mutual feeding of cake slivers, or just the willingness to stand side by side at the door greeting their guests together, as a couple. It's a function of the relationship between the couple and their community. And just as "all my guests really wanted the traditional wedding things" is an adequate excuse for doing guest-of-honour things even though you are the hosts; it is an adequate excuse for doing wedding things when you already completed your legal paperwork.

lyndausvi

dianaloveserik said:

Frankly I have to say I'm really, REALLY offended by this post. At first I actually thought it was satire until I started reading the comments and was shocked to realize the OP is serious.

Since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a beautiful wedding ceremony surrounded by friends and family. Since I got engaged in August of 2012, I've been planning every single detail of that wedding with the intention of making it a beautiful celebration of love between my fiance and I, a celebration we get to share with our family and friends, a celebration that we and our loved ones will remember for years to come.

In August of 2013, thanks to the supposedly-wonderful "affordable" care act (don't get me started), my fiance's small law firm was unable to stay on their current plan because costs were going to increase about 66%. They had to switch to another plan that was a comparable price, but copays went up, benefits were drastically cut, and none-literally none-of my fiance's providers were on the new plan. He has a lot of health problems, both mental and physical, and was just about done a 6-month nutritional counseling program to get ready for gastric sleeve surgery which he wanted to have done before the wedding and which would not have been covered under the new plan. I have awesome government health insurance, so the logical thing to do would be to get legally married so he could get on mine. Pushing the wedding up was not an option at this point, thousands of dollars had been put into deposits and vendors and it was simply too late to move up the wedding. So we had to have a quick legal marriage on the sly. 

Now, OP and others may call this a "choice" ... but if you put yourself in my shoes you'll realize how insensitive that makes you sound. If the person you loved was about to lose all the doctors he's developed a rapport with and who understand all his medical issues, and wouldn't be able to get a surgery that he really wanted to get before the wedding, and have to pay twice as much in copays when money is already tight, would you really just be like "sorry you're SOL until the wedding, deal with it for a few months"? If you loved that person, NO!! You would do whatever it took to get them the care that they need, because you love them, and you want them to be happy and healthy. If there is anyone here who would prioritize being able to have a big wedding over being able to ensure the health of their fiance, sorry but you are marrying the wrong person. So why should one have to choose? Why should one be punished for a selfless act of love?

Was I hesitant about it because it was going to make our no-longer-"real" marriage in March less special? Yes, I was. But after talking about it with my fiance he convinced me that we would still make our wedding ceremony a special day, the day that we write and recite our own vows, memorialize our commitment with a sand ceremony, and share all this with the friends and family who we love and who love us. Our officiant even said that she does this regularly and she will give us a separate marriage "certificate" (not a legal document) to commemorate our wedding day, so obviously it's not that uncommon or bad a thing.

We are both attorneys and had a friend who is a District Magistrate perform the ceremony in his office after work one day. We were both in business suits (I don't even remember what color I was wearing or anything). Two members of his staff, who we did not know, were our witnesses. The entire "ceremony" lasted about 2 minutes. We didn't even say "I do" we just answered "yes" or "I will" or something like that. No special vows. No rings were exchanged. Then we signed on the dotted line. So yes we were legally married but we did not have the opportunity for a full-out sharing our feelings of love for each other and being surrounded by family and friends that really was so important to us for our wedding ceremony.

And in no way am I trying to dilute the importance of marriages when the people choose to get married at city hall. There is nothing wrong with that. They do that by choice, because it's what they want. They bring friends to witness, bride wears white, they exchange rings and kiss and all. That is what they want and there is nothing wrong with that. But it doesn't mean that EVERYONE who has a courthouse marriage has to give up their right to a big wedding, especially if that IS what they want.

And also, I have been to a wedding where the bride & groom were already married, similar to us, for insurance purposes. I thought the ceremony was beautiful and I was very happy for them that they had the opportunity to read their vows and share their love with their family and friends. Just because it wasn't the legal ceremony didn't make it "fake" ... the love for each other that I saw in them was as real as real can be. I was honored to be a part of it and I don't feel any differently about that wedding than I do about weddings where the people were legally married that day.

I just think you are being extremely judgmental about a situation that you've clearly never found yourself in and therefore have no right to tell others how they should behave in such a situation. Maybe in the 1980s your post would make sense, but these days with the economy being the way it is some people are between a rock and a hard place so to speak and are put in a position where they really do HAVE TO get married. You should walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you pass judgment on them.

That's all I have to say; this thread is angering me so much I'm not even going to follow up on it. I've spoken my peace.

I more than likely would have made the same choice.   However, I would have owned up to what we did and not did it on the sly.  Every guest would know what we did.   I bet most if not all still would attend the celebration, but at least I'm being up front with them and not trying manipulate their feelings into thinking they are witnessing something they are not.

syoun1nj

"There is nothing wrong with that. They do that by choice, because it's what they want."

Right, you did it by choice, because it was what you wanted.
Nothing wrong with that!
So don't lie to your guests, don't have a fake ceremony, and go ahead with your late reception. No one here minds that. Just don't be the lyingest liar since lies came to lietown.

lalalorelai

Oh for the love of...

Two of my closest friends got engaged in the past few months (to different people, so two different couples). Both are planning on quickie, JOP-type ceremonies sometime soon, followed by a party later on.  One is military, they are getting married soon so they can be assigned together (sorry I don't know the right terminology, but they're both military so they need to be married so they're stationed at the same base).  The other just doesn't want the pomp and circumstance of a big ceremony, and there are health insurance concerns. 

They're both doing just a party later on. No re-enactment, no big white dress, nothing like that. Just throwing a huge party and hosting their nearest and dearest for a night of fun to celebrate their marriages. And I am 100% willing to travel for both of them and I cannot wait.  They're not lying about it. I completely support them in their decisions.  

There is no reason to do a JOP ceremony and then lie about it and do a re-enactment ceremony later on.  Religious convalidation or blessing? Sure, that's different. That's not a re-enactment.  But lying to your guests and going through the motions is just silly and rude and a farce.  Period.  

It wasn't even a hard decision for them. I don't get it. So your FH needed a certain surgery that your insurance covers that his didn't.  Do the civil ceremony and get him on your insurance, for christ's sake. Why is there any reason to go through the fake ceremony and lie to your guests??? There is literally no justification for this. 

crunchymamaof2

I love how all the snowflakes twist words and make it seem like everyone has said that they have to let their loved ones shrivel and suffer. Not one person has said you can't have a courthouse/jop marriage. They're saying if that's a route you choose (with good reason usually) skip the fake ceremony on the original date and/or just tell everyone that you'll already be married. Look, I dreamed of having a natural birth where baby would glue himself to by boob and we'd all look Pinterest models for the pictures. My first birth I broke down and got the epidural and my second birth baby wanted out and was almost delivered in the elevator. (At least I got my natural birth lol). Neither was the birth I dreamt of.....should I shove each baby back in and have a redo? Hell no! So you didn't get the wedding of your dreams.....throw a huge party to celebrate the fact that your husband can stay healthy and you both are fortunate enough to have the right to do what you do, unlike many others. By lying you're just looking like an attention whore

Lonelilly

I think the only part of this thread I agree with is the lying. I mean, it's your family and friends. 

However, if we agree the white dress/cake cutting/walking down the aisle is all frills and little to do with marriage, then why all the humbug about those who wish to incorporate these at their "second wedding"/vow renewal/whatever? Seems a little pretentiously judgmental. 

Jells2dot0

Lonelilly said:

I think the only part of this thread I agree with is the lying. I mean, it's your family and friends. 

However, if we agree the white dress/cake cutting/walking down the aisle is all frills and little to do with marriage, then why all the humbug about those who wish to incorporate these at their "second wedding"/vow renewal/whatever? Seems a little pretentiously judgmental. 

A second wedding is NOT a re-do. The girls on this thread are talking about re-do ceremonies that involve the re-enactment of a marriage that still legally binding and valid. Do you really think  that someone who lost their spouse to divorce or death shouldn't have a wedding? FWIW, I am a firm believer that all a marriage/wedding needs is the piece of paper that makes it legal. Everything else is optional. 

jenniferurs

dianaloveserik said:

Frankly I have to say I'm really, REALLY offended by this post. At first I actually thought it was satire until I started reading the comments and was shocked to realize the OP is serious.

Since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a beautiful wedding ceremony surrounded by friends and family. Since I got engaged in August of 2012, I've been planning every single detail of that wedding with the intention of making it a beautiful celebration of love between my fiance and I, a celebration we get to share with our family and friends, a celebration that we and our loved ones will remember for years to come.

In August of 2013, thanks to the supposedly-wonderful "affordable" care act (don't get me started), my fiance's small law firm was unable to stay on their current plan because costs were going to increase about 66%. They had to switch to another plan that was a comparable price, but copays went up, benefits were drastically cut, and none-literally none-of my fiance's providers were on the new plan. He has a lot of health problems, both mental and physical, and was just about done a 6-month nutritional counseling program to get ready for gastric sleeve surgery which he wanted to have done before the wedding and which would not have been covered under the new plan. I have awesome government health insurance, so the logical thing to do would be to get legally married so he could get on mine. Pushing the wedding up was not an option at this point, thousands of dollars had been put into deposits and vendors and it was simply too late to move up the wedding. So we had to have a quick legal marriage on the sly. 

Now, OP and others may call this a "choice" ... but if you put yourself in my shoes you'll realize how insensitive that makes you sound. If the person you loved was about to lose all the doctors he's developed a rapport with and who understand all his medical issues, and wouldn't be able to get a surgery that he really wanted to get before the wedding, and have to pay twice as much in copays when money is already tight, would you really just be like "sorry you're SOL until the wedding, deal with it for a few months"? If you loved that person, NO!! You would do whatever it took to get them the care that they need, because you love them, and you want them to be happy and healthy. If there is anyone here who would prioritize being able to have a big wedding over being able to ensure the health of their fiance, sorry but you are marrying the wrong person. So why should one have to choose? Why should one be punished for a selfless act of love?

Was I hesitant about it because it was going to make our no-longer-"real" marriage in March less special? Yes, I was. But after talking about it with my fiance he convinced me that we would still make our wedding ceremony a special day, the day that we write and recite our own vows, memorialize our commitment with a sand ceremony, and share all this with the friends and family who we love and who love us. Our officiant even said that she does this regularly and she will give us a separate marriage "certificate" (not a legal document) to commemorate our wedding day, so obviously it's not that uncommon or bad a thing.

We are both attorneys and had a friend who is a District Magistrate perform the ceremony in his office after work one day. We were both in business suits (I don't even remember what color I was wearing or anything). Two members of his staff, who we did not know, were our witnesses. The entire "ceremony" lasted about 2 minutes. We didn't even say "I do" we just answered "yes" or "I will" or something like that. No special vows. No rings were exchanged. Then we signed on the dotted line. So yes we were legally married but we did not have the opportunity for a full-out sharing our feelings of love for each other and being surrounded by family and friends that really was so important to us for our wedding ceremony.

And in no way am I trying to dilute the importance of marriages when the people choose to get married at city hall. There is nothing wrong with that. They do that by choice, because it's what they want. They bring friends to witness, bride wears white, they exchange rings and kiss and all. That is what they want and there is nothing wrong with that. But it doesn't mean that EVERYONE who has a courthouse marriage has to give up their right to a big wedding, especially if that IS what they want.

And also, I have been to a wedding where the bride & groom were already married, similar to us, for insurance purposes. I thought the ceremony was beautiful and I was very happy for them that they had the opportunity to read their vows and share their love with their family and friends. Just because it wasn't the legal ceremony didn't make it "fake" ... the love for each other that I saw in them was as real as real can be. I was honored to be a part of it and I don't feel any differently about that wedding than I do about weddings where the people were legally married that day.

I just think you are being extremely judgmental about a situation that you've clearly never found yourself in and therefore have no right to tell others how they should behave in such a situation. Maybe in the 1980s your post would make sense, but these days with the economy being the way it is some people are between a rock and a hard place so to speak and are put in a position where they really do HAVE TO get married. You should walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you pass judgment on them.

That's all I have to say; this thread is angering me so much I'm not even going to follow up on it. I've spoken my peace.

I wanted to respond in full, but I'm laughing so hard at the notion that elective weight loss surgery is a valid excuse that I'm finding myself unable to. That being said, I'll only ask you one question and one question alone. If it's so "okay" as you claim, why did you get legally married "on the sly?"

lightningsnow

dianaloveserik said:

Frankly I have to say I'm really, REALLY offended by this post. At first I actually thought it was satire until I started reading the comments and was shocked to realize the OP is serious.

Since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a beautiful wedding ceremony surrounded by friends and family. Since I got engaged in August of 2012, I've been planning every single detail of that wedding with the intention of making it a beautiful celebration of love between my fiance and I, a celebration we get to share with our family and friends, a celebration that we and our loved ones will remember for years to come.

In August of 2013, thanks to the supposedly-wonderful "affordable" care act (don't get me started), my fiance's small law firm was unable to stay on their current plan because costs were going to increase about 66%. They had to switch to another plan that was a comparable price, but copays went up, benefits were drastically cut, and none-literally none-of my fiance's providers were on the new plan. He has a lot of health problems, both mental and physical, and was just about done a 6-month nutritional counseling program to get ready for gastric sleeve surgery which he wanted to have done before the wedding and which would not have been covered under the new plan. I have awesome government health insurance, so the logical thing to do would be to get legally married so he could get on mine. Pushing the wedding up was not an option at this point, thousands of dollars had been put into deposits and vendors and it was simply too late to move up the wedding. So we had to have a quick legal marriage on the sly. 

Now, OP and others may call this a "choice" ... but if you put yourself in my shoes you'll realize how insensitive that makes you sound. If the person you loved was about to lose all the doctors he's developed a rapport with and who understand all his medical issues, and wouldn't be able to get a surgery that he really wanted to get before the wedding, and have to pay twice as much in copays when money is already tight, would you really just be like "sorry you're SOL until the wedding, deal with it for a few months"? If you loved that person, NO!! You would do whatever it took to get them the care that they need, because you love them, and you want them to be happy and healthy. If there is anyone here who would prioritize being able to have a big wedding over being able to ensure the health of their fiance, sorry but you are marrying the wrong person. So why should one have to choose? Why should one be punished for a selfless act of love?

Was I hesitant about it because it was going to make our no-longer-"real" marriage in March less special? Yes, I was. But after talking about it with my fiance he convinced me that we would still make our wedding ceremony a special day, the day that we write and recite our own vows, memorialize our commitment with a sand ceremony, and share all this with the friends and family who we love and who love us. Our officiant even said that she does this regularly and she will give us a separate marriage "certificate" (not a legal document) to commemorate our wedding day, so obviously it's not that uncommon or bad a thing.

We are both attorneys and had a friend who is a District Magistrate perform the ceremony in his office after work one day. We were both in business suits (I don't even remember what color I was wearing or anything). Two members of his staff, who we did not know, were our witnesses. The entire "ceremony" lasted about 2 minutes. We didn't even say "I do" we just answered "yes" or "I will" or something like that. No special vows. No rings were exchanged. Then we signed on the dotted line. So yes we were legally married but we did not have the opportunity for a full-out sharing our feelings of love for each other and being surrounded by family and friends that really was so important to us for our wedding ceremony.

And in no way am I trying to dilute the importance of marriages when the people choose to get married at city hall. There is nothing wrong with that. They do that by choice, because it's what they want. They bring friends to witness, bride wears white, they exchange rings and kiss and all. That is what they want and there is nothing wrong with that. But it doesn't mean that EVERYONE who has a courthouse marriage has to give up their right to a big wedding, especially if that IS what they want.

And also, I have been to a wedding where the bride & groom were already married, similar to us, for insurance purposes. I thought the ceremony was beautiful and I was very happy for them that they had the opportunity to read their vows and share their love with their family and friends. Just because it wasn't the legal ceremony didn't make it "fake" ... the love for each other that I saw in them was as real as real can be. I was honored to be a part of it and I don't feel any differently about that wedding than I do about weddings where the people were legally married that day.

I just think you are being extremely judgmental about a situation that you've clearly never found yourself in and therefore have no right to tell others how they should behave in such a situation. Maybe in the 1980s your post would make sense, but these days with the economy being the way it is some people are between a rock and a hard place so to speak and are put in a position where they really do HAVE TO get married. You should walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you pass judgment on them.

That's all I have to say; this thread is angering me so much I'm not even going to follow up on it. I've spoken my peace.

The only issue I have with your post is the fact that you chose, yes that is right chose, to get married on the sly, hence lying to your guests about being married, because your FI wanted, not needed, a surgery. If he needed it, we would be a bit more understanding but it was something he wanted, which I bolded in your post that I quoted. I want a nose job, does that mean I should marry my BF on the sly to get on his insurance which is possibly better than my parents? No, because it is not something that is needed at the moment. Being an adult means making tough decisions and owning up to them.

For instance, I got nearly $1200 back on my tax return. I was going to buy my own home pole so that I can get back into pole dancing. However, we need the money that I would have used on that pole for various things around the house. I have elected to wait until we are a bit more stable in our new home before purchasing my pole. I could have easily told my BF that I was getting my pole and to hell with the things that are needed in the house. But I didn't. I put my big girl panties on and made a decision to hold off on purchasing something I wanted rather than what we needed.

TerriHugg

lightningsnow said:

dianaloveserik said:

Frankly I have to say I'm really, REALLY offended by this post. At first I actually thought it was satire until I started reading the comments and was shocked to realize the OP is serious.

Since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a beautiful wedding ceremony surrounded by friends and family. Since I got engaged in August of 2012, I've been planning every single detail of that wedding with the intention of making it a beautiful celebration of love between my fiance and I, a celebration we get to share with our family and friends, a celebration that we and our loved ones will remember for years to come.

In August of 2013, thanks to the supposedly-wonderful "affordable" care act (don't get me started), my fiance's small law firm was unable to stay on their current plan because costs were going to increase about 66%. They had to switch to another plan that was a comparable price, but copays went up, benefits were drastically cut, and none-literally none-of my fiance's providers were on the new plan. He has a lot of health problems, both mental and physical, and was just about done a 6-month nutritional counseling program to get ready for gastric sleeve surgery which he wanted to have done before the wedding and which would not have been covered under the new plan. I have awesome government health insurance, so the logical thing to do would be to get legally married so he could get on mine. Pushing the wedding up was not an option at this point, thousands of dollars had been put into deposits and vendors and it was simply too late to move up the wedding. So we had to have a quick legal marriage on the sly. 

Now, OP and others may call this a "choice" ... but if you put yourself in my shoes you'll realize how insensitive that makes you sound. If the person you loved was about to lose all the doctors he's developed a rapport with and who understand all his medical issues, and wouldn't be able to get a surgery that he really wanted to get before the wedding, and have to pay twice as much in copays when money is already tight, would you really just be like "sorry you're SOL until the wedding, deal with it for a few months"? If you loved that person, NO!! You would do whatever it took to get them the care that they need, because you love them, and you want them to be happy and healthy. If there is anyone here who would prioritize being able to have a big wedding over being able to ensure the health of their fiance, sorry but you are marrying the wrong person. So why should one have to choose? Why should one be punished for a selfless act of love?

Was I hesitant about it because it was going to make our no-longer-"real" marriage in March less special? Yes, I was. But after talking about it with my fiance he convinced me that we would still make our wedding ceremony a special day, the day that we write and recite our own vows, memorialize our commitment with a sand ceremony, and share all this with the friends and family who we love and who love us. Our officiant even said that she does this regularly and she will give us a separate marriage "certificate" (not a legal document) to commemorate our wedding day, so obviously it's not that uncommon or bad a thing.

We are both attorneys and had a friend who is a District Magistrate perform the ceremony in his office after work one day. We were both in business suits (I don't even remember what color I was wearing or anything). Two members of his staff, who we did not know, were our witnesses. The entire "ceremony" lasted about 2 minutes. We didn't even say "I do" we just answered "yes" or "I will" or something like that. No special vows. No rings were exchanged. Then we signed on the dotted line. So yes we were legally married but we did not have the opportunity for a full-out sharing our feelings of love for each other and being surrounded by family and friends that really was so important to us for our wedding ceremony.

And in no way am I trying to dilute the importance of marriages when the people choose to get married at city hall. There is nothing wrong with that. They do that by choice, because it's what they want. They bring friends to witness, bride wears white, they exchange rings and kiss and all. That is what they want and there is nothing wrong with that. But it doesn't mean that EVERYONE who has a courthouse marriage has to give up their right to a big wedding, especially if that IS what they want.

And also, I have been to a wedding where the bride & groom were already married, similar to us, for insurance purposes. I thought the ceremony was beautiful and I was very happy for them that they had the opportunity to read their vows and share their love with their family and friends. Just because it wasn't the legal ceremony didn't make it "fake" ... the love for each other that I saw in them was as real as real can be. I was honored to be a part of it and I don't feel any differently about that wedding than I do about weddings where the people were legally married that day.

I just think you are being extremely judgmental about a situation that you've clearly never found yourself in and therefore have no right to tell others how they should behave in such a situation. Maybe in the 1980s your post would make sense, but these days with the economy being the way it is some people are between a rock and a hard place so to speak and are put in a position where they really do HAVE TO get married. You should walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you pass judgment on them.

That's all I have to say; this thread is angering me so much I'm not even going to follow up on it. I've spoken my peace.

The only issue I have with your post is the fact that you chose, yes that is right chose, to get married on the sly, hence lying to your guests about being married, because your FI wanted, not needed, a surgery. If he needed it, we would be a bit more understanding but it was something he wanted, which I bolded in your post that I quoted. I want a nose job, does that mean I should marry my BF on the sly to get on his insurance which is possibly better than my parents? No, because it is not something that is needed at the moment. Being an adult means making tough decisions and owning up to them.

For instance, I got nearly $1200 back on my tax return. I was going to buy my own home pole so that I can get back into pole dancing. However, we need the money that I would have used on that pole for various things around the house. I have elected to wait until we are a bit more stable in our new home before purchasing my pole. I could have easily told my BF that I was getting my pole and to hell with the things that are needed in the house. But I didn't. I put my big girl panties on and made a decision to hold off on purchasing something I wanted rather than what we needed.

@lightningsnow

I get what you are trying to say, but I don't think your comparison between an elective weight loss surgery, nose job, and buying a pole are completely right or fair. As someone who has people in their family who has had to get weight loss surgery, I can say that while the surgery is choice,  it is a choice that can mean the difference between life and death. Now, I don't know her situation, but it really is unfair to claim that because it was a choice he didn't need it. She even mentioned that he had medical issues.. and yes I know she said he wanted to have it done before the wedding, but that doesn't mean he didn't need it. 

I'm not even going to mention her choice to have a second ceremony and not telling anyone because we clearly never get anywhere with that conversation. LOL

On another note... I'm a fellow pole dancer and absolutely love it! I really want to get a pole for my home but I have to wait till the lease on my apartment is up because there is no room for it! I'm in the process of doing teacher trainings so I can teach pole at a local studio.  

lightningsnow

TerriHugg said:

lightningsnow said:

dianaloveserik said:

Frankly I have to say I'm really, REALLY offended by this post. At first I actually thought it was satire until I started reading the comments and was shocked to realize the OP is serious.

Since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a beautiful wedding ceremony surrounded by friends and family. Since I got engaged in August of 2012, I've been planning every single detail of that wedding with the intention of making it a beautiful celebration of love between my fiance and I, a celebration we get to share with our family and friends, a celebration that we and our loved ones will remember for years to come.

In August of 2013, thanks to the supposedly-wonderful "affordable" care act (don't get me started), my fiance's small law firm was unable to stay on their current plan because costs were going to increase about 66%. They had to switch to another plan that was a comparable price, but copays went up, benefits were drastically cut, and none-literally none-of my fiance's providers were on the new plan. He has a lot of health problems, both mental and physical, and was just about done a 6-month nutritional counseling program to get ready for gastric sleeve surgery which he wanted to have done before the wedding and which would not have been covered under the new plan. I have awesome government health insurance, so the logical thing to do would be to get legally married so he could get on mine. Pushing the wedding up was not an option at this point, thousands of dollars had been put into deposits and vendors and it was simply too late to move up the wedding. So we had to have a quick legal marriage on the sly. 

Now, OP and others may call this a "choice" ... but if you put yourself in my shoes you'll realize how insensitive that makes you sound. If the person you loved was about to lose all the doctors he's developed a rapport with and who understand all his medical issues, and wouldn't be able to get a surgery that he really wanted to get before the wedding, and have to pay twice as much in copays when money is already tight, would you really just be like "sorry you're SOL until the wedding, deal with it for a few months"? If you loved that person, NO!! You would do whatever it took to get them the care that they need, because you love them, and you want them to be happy and healthy. If there is anyone here who would prioritize being able to have a big wedding over being able to ensure the health of their fiance, sorry but you are marrying the wrong person. So why should one have to choose? Why should one be punished for a selfless act of love?

Was I hesitant about it because it was going to make our no-longer-"real" marriage in March less special? Yes, I was. But after talking about it with my fiance he convinced me that we would still make our wedding ceremony a special day, the day that we write and recite our own vows, memorialize our commitment with a sand ceremony, and share all this with the friends and family who we love and who love us. Our officiant even said that she does this regularly and she will give us a separate marriage "certificate" (not a legal document) to commemorate our wedding day, so obviously it's not that uncommon or bad a thing.

We are both attorneys and had a friend who is a District Magistrate perform the ceremony in his office after work one day. We were both in business suits (I don't even remember what color I was wearing or anything). Two members of his staff, who we did not know, were our witnesses. The entire "ceremony" lasted about 2 minutes. We didn't even say "I do" we just answered "yes" or "I will" or something like that. No special vows. No rings were exchanged. Then we signed on the dotted line. So yes we were legally married but we did not have the opportunity for a full-out sharing our feelings of love for each other and being surrounded by family and friends that really was so important to us for our wedding ceremony.

And in no way am I trying to dilute the importance of marriages when the people choose to get married at city hall. There is nothing wrong with that. They do that by choice, because it's what they want. They bring friends to witness, bride wears white, they exchange rings and kiss and all. That is what they want and there is nothing wrong with that. But it doesn't mean that EVERYONE who has a courthouse marriage has to give up their right to a big wedding, especially if that IS what they want.

And also, I have been to a wedding where the bride & groom were already married, similar to us, for insurance purposes. I thought the ceremony was beautiful and I was very happy for them that they had the opportunity to read their vows and share their love with their family and friends. Just because it wasn't the legal ceremony didn't make it "fake" ... the love for each other that I saw in them was as real as real can be. I was honored to be a part of it and I don't feel any differently about that wedding than I do about weddings where the people were legally married that day.

I just think you are being extremely judgmental about a situation that you've clearly never found yourself in and therefore have no right to tell others how they should behave in such a situation. Maybe in the 1980s your post would make sense, but these days with the economy being the way it is some people are between a rock and a hard place so to speak and are put in a position where they really do HAVE TO get married. You should walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you pass judgment on them.

That's all I have to say; this thread is angering me so much I'm not even going to follow up on it. I've spoken my peace.

The only issue I have with your post is the fact that you chose, yes that is right chose, to get married on the sly, hence lying to your guests about being married, because your FI wanted, not needed, a surgery. If he needed it, we would be a bit more understanding but it was something he wanted, which I bolded in your post that I quoted. I want a nose job, does that mean I should marry my BF on the sly to get on his insurance which is possibly better than my parents? No, because it is not something that is needed at the moment. Being an adult means making tough decisions and owning up to them.

For instance, I got nearly $1200 back on my tax return. I was going to buy my own home pole so that I can get back into pole dancing. However, we need the money that I would have used on that pole for various things around the house. I have elected to wait until we are a bit more stable in our new home before purchasing my pole. I could have easily told my BF that I was getting my pole and to hell with the things that are needed in the house. But I didn't. I put my big girl panties on and made a decision to hold off on purchasing something I wanted rather than what we needed.

@lightningsnow

I get what you are trying to say, but I don't think your comparison between an elective weight loss surgery, nose job, and buying a pole are completely right or fair. As someone who has people in their family who has had to get weight loss surgery, I can say that while the surgery is choice,  it is a choice that can mean the difference between life and death. Now, I don't know her situation, but it really is unfair to claim that because it was a choice he didn't need it. She even mentioned that he had medical issues.. and yes I know she said he wanted to have it done before the wedding, but that doesn't mean he didn't need it. 

I'm not even going to mention her choice to have a second ceremony and not telling anyone because we clearly never get anywhere with that conversation. LOL

On another note... I'm a fellow pole dancer and absolutely love it! I really want to get a pole for my home but I have to wait till the lease on my apartment is up because there is no room for it! I'm in the process of doing teacher trainings so I can teach pole at a local studio.  

You are absolutely right that how I worded it was not right. However, I am only going on what she has written. Nowhere in her OP did she even mention that he needed the surgery, just that he wanted it. As I stated, if he truly did need it, we wouldn't have an issue with that because it's something he needed. However, she only stated that he wanted the surgery.

ETA: We have the room for mine, however said room is nowhere near ready for it. It still needs to be painted and the flooring needs to be changed. I'll probably get it with next year's tax return.

NYCBruin

jenniferurs said:

Frankly I have to say I'm really, REALLY offended by this post. At first I actually thought it was satire until I started reading the comments and was shocked to realize the OP is serious.

Since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a beautiful wedding ceremony surrounded by friends and family. Since I got engaged in August of 2012, I've been planning every single detail of that wedding with the intention of making it a beautiful celebration of love between my fiance and I, a celebration we get to share with our family and friends, a celebration that we and our loved ones will remember for years to come.

In August of 2013, thanks to the supposedly-wonderful "affordable" care act (don't get me started), my fiance's small law firm was unable to stay on their current plan because costs were going to increase about 66%. They had to switch to another plan that was a comparable price, but copays went up, benefits were drastically cut, and none-literally none-of my fiance's providers were on the new plan. He has a lot of health problems, both mental and physical, and was just about done a 6-month nutritional counseling program to get ready for gastric sleeve surgery which he wanted to have done before the wedding and which would not have been covered under the new plan. I have awesome government health insurance, so the logical thing to do would be to get legally married so he could get on mine. Pushing the wedding up was not an option at this point, thousands of dollars had been put into deposits and vendors and it was simply too late to move up the wedding. So we had to have a quick legal marriage on the sly. 

Now, OP and others may call this a "choice" ... but if you put yourself in my shoes you'll realize how insensitive that makes you sound. If the person you loved was about to lose all the doctors he's developed a rapport with and who understand all his medical issues, and wouldn't be able to get a surgery that he really wanted to get before the wedding, and have to pay twice as much in copays when money is already tight, would you really just be like "sorry you're SOL until the wedding, deal with it for a few months"? If you loved that person, NO!! You would do whatever it took to get them the care that they need, because you love them, and you want them to be happy and healthy. If there is anyone here who would prioritize being able to have a big wedding over being able to ensure the health of their fiance, sorry but you are marrying the wrong person. So why should one have to choose? Why should one be punished for a selfless act of love?

Was I hesitant about it because it was going to make our no-longer-"real" marriage in March less special? Yes, I was. But after talking about it with my fiance he convinced me that we would still make our wedding ceremony a special day, the day that we write and recite our own vows, memorialize our commitment with a sand ceremony, and share all this with the friends and family who we love and who love us. Our officiant even said that she does this regularly and she will give us a separate marriage "certificate" (not a legal document) to commemorate our wedding day, so obviously it's not that uncommon or bad a thing.

We are both attorneys and had a friend who is a District Magistrate perform the ceremony in his office after work one day. We were both in business suits (I don't even remember what color I was wearing or anything). Two members of his staff, who we did not know, were our witnesses. The entire "ceremony" lasted about 2 minutes. We didn't even say "I do" we just answered "yes" or "I will" or something like that. No special vows. No rings were exchanged. Then we signed on the dotted line. So yes we were legally married but we did not have the opportunity for a full-out sharing our feelings of love for each other and being surrounded by family and friends that really was so important to us for our wedding ceremony.

And in no way am I trying to dilute the importance of marriages when the people choose to get married at city hall. There is nothing wrong with that. They do that by choice, because it's what they want. They bring friends to witness, bride wears white, they exchange rings and kiss and all. That is what they want and there is nothing wrong with that. But it doesn't mean that EVERYONE who has a courthouse marriage has to give up their right to a big wedding, especially if that IS what they want.

And also, I have been to a wedding where the bride & groom were already married, similar to us, for insurance purposes. I thought the ceremony was beautiful and I was very happy for them that they had the opportunity to read their vows and share their love with their family and friends. Just because it wasn't the legal ceremony didn't make it "fake" ... the love for each other that I saw in them was as real as real can be. I was honored to be a part of it and I don't feel any differently about that wedding than I do about weddings where the people were legally married that day.

I just think you are being extremely judgmental about a situation that you've clearly never found yourself in and therefore have no right to tell others how they should behave in such a situation. Maybe in the 1980s your post would make sense, but these days with the economy being the way it is some people are between a rock and a hard place so to speak and are put in a position where they really do HAVE TO get married. You should walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you pass judgment on them.

That's all I have to say; this thread is angering me so much I'm not even going to follow up on it. I've spoken my peace.

I wanted to respond in full, but I'm laughing so hard at the notion that elective weight loss surgery is a valid excuse that I'm finding myself unable to. That being said, I'll only ask you one question and one question alone. If it's so "okay" as you claim, why did you get legally married "on the sly?"

SO MUCH THIS.  You can't come here and argue that "it's no big deal" "no one would care" "jeez stop being so old fashioned, it's 2014!" or similar things, and then hide what you're doing.  If it's no big deal then just BE HONEST about what you're doing.  Since most people don't lie just for shits and giggles, I imagine that the liars out there actually do realize that they are doing something wrong and that's why they are lying about it.

grumbledore

The reason for the quickie wedding is irrelevant, that's the whole point. If you CHOOSE to get married quickly/sooner than planned/a week before your planned wedding, that's your CHOICE - but do not, for the love of pete, parade around later pretending to be a bride and exchanging re-enactment wedding vows as if you are not already married. It's silly, it's annoying to watch, and if you lie about it I will judge you until the end of time. If you don't lie about it, I will probably still judge you, but not nearly as harshly. You might think the people you love are different/better/less mean than me, but I promise you, you are wrong about at least some of them. Don't risk the respect of those you care about for a freaking princess party. It's absurd.

Soon2BJLJ

Hi everyone!

This post has been so helpful for my FI and I.  We've been together for a few years and married last April for health insurance purposes.  But now that I have a good job and don't need his insurance, I don't really want to make our guests feel like they've been deceived, so I talked the FI into dissolving our marriage so we can actually say our real and LEGAL vows at our weding!  This especially important to me as we're having a destnation weding and people are travelling and I don't want them to think we frauded them into some kind of free trip or anything! 

We already filed the divorce paperwork!  I can't believe I'm saying I'm so excited to get divorced!  But I just want to do the rite thing by our guests.

Thank you for this thread!

jenniferurs

Soon2BJLJ said:

Hi everyone!

This post has been so helpful for my FI and I.  We've been together for a few years and married last April for health insurance purposes.  But now that I have a good job and don't need his insurance, I don't really want to make our guests feel like they've been deceived, so I talked the FI into dissolving our marriage so we can actually say our real and LEGAL vows at our weding!  This especially important to me as we're having a destnation weding and people are travelling and I don't want them to think we frauded them into some kind of free trip or anything! 

We already filed the divorce paperwork!  I can't believe I'm saying I'm so excited to get divorced!  But I just want to do the rite thing by our guests.

Thank you for this thread!

Oh FFS.

Jells2dot0

Soon2BJLJ said:

Hi everyone!

This post has been so helpful for my FI and I.  We've been together for a few years and married last April for health insurance purposes.  But now that I have a good job and don't need his insurance, I don't really want to make our guests feel like they've been deceived, so I talked the FI into dissolving our marriage so we can actually say our real and LEGAL vows at our weding!  This especially important to me as we're having a destnation weding and people are travelling and I don't want them to think we frauded them into some kind of free trip or anything! 

We already filed the divorce paperwork!  I can't believe I'm saying I'm so excited to get divorced!  But I just want to do the rite thing by our guests.

Thank you for this thread!

I think my head just exploded. This cannot possibly be true. If you are for real, you are a complete disgrace to those who fight for marriage equality, those who are married, and those who have suffered through a divorce.

Soon2BJLJ

Im just trying to do rite by our guests, thats what this thread is for rite?  I dont understand why your mad. 

What does it have to do with being gay?  Im sorry if I've offended anyone.

crunchymamaof2

Soon2BJLJ said:

Hi everyone!

This post has been so helpful for my FI and I.  We've been together for a few years and married last April for health insurance purposes.  But now that I have a good job and don't need his insurance, I don't really want to make our guests feel like they've been deceived, so I talked the FI into dissolving our marriage so we can actually say our real and LEGAL vows at our weding!  This especially important to me as we're having a destnation weding and people are travelling and I don't want them to think we frauded them into some kind of free trip or anything! 

We already filed the divorce paperwork!  I can't believe I'm saying I'm so excited to get divorced!  But I just want to do the rite thing by our guests.

Thank you for this thread!

I think I'd rather attend a fake do over "wedding" with a cash bar, no seats, and a honey fund than actually believe this is real.

Jells2dot0

Soon2BJLJ said:

Im just trying to do rite by our guests, thats what this thread is for rite?  I dont understand why your mad. 

What does it have to do with being gay?  Im sorry if I've offended anyone.

LMAO. Bad etiquette and poor spelling and grammar? Enjoy your trolling!

LDay2014

Soon2BJLJ said:

Hi everyone!

This post has been so helpful for my FI and I.  We've been together for a few years and married last April for health insurance purposes.  But now that I have a good job and don't need his insurance, I don't really want to make our guests feel like they've been deceived, so I talked the FI into dissolving our marriage so we can actually say our real and LEGAL vows at our weding!  This especially important to me as we're having a destnation weding and people are travelling and I don't want them to think we frauded them into some kind of free trip or anything! 

We already filed the divorce paperwork!  I can't believe I'm saying I'm so excited to get divorced!  But I just want to do the rite thing by our guests.

Thank you for this thread!

What the hell? Why would you not just have a 'celebration' of your marriage. WHy the hell would you nullify your perfectly valid marriage in order to have a Princess Party?!?!?!

I just don't get it! What's the point!

Soon2BJLJ

You don't have to be so mean about it.  Sorry my grammer isn't spot on, my fingers can't keep up with my brain, it goes a million miles an hour. 
I thought you ladies would be supportive, since you said fake weddings were bad.  I thought this would be a good way to excape all the negative parts you all talk about in here and this way we don't deceive our guests. How is this bad?

LDay2014

Soon2BJLJ said:

You don't have to be so mean about it.  Sorry my grammer isn't spot on, my fingers can't keep up with my brain, it goes a million miles an hour. 
I thought you ladies would be supportive, since you said fake weddings were bad.  I thought this would be a good way to excape all the negative parts you all talk about in here and this way we don't deceive our guests. How is this bad?

You have devalued your marriage by divorcing so that you can have a big pretty party.  That's why.  Why wasn't the first time good enough? Do the vows you said then really deserve to be nullified and cancelled out like they didn't matter?  That's what you're doing...you're saying the first time didn't count because it wasn't pretty enough.   It's offensive to common sense and the fact that there are a ton of people out there who don't have the RIGHT to be married.

pinkshorts27

Soon2BJLJ said:

You don't have to be so mean about it.  Sorry my grammer isn't spot on, my fingers can't keep up with my brain, it goes a million miles an hour. 
I thought you ladies would be supportive, since you said fake weddings were bad.  I thought this would be a good way to excape all the negative parts you all talk about in here and this way we don't deceive our guests. How is this bad?

Soon2BJLJ said:

Im just trying to do rite by our guests, thats what this thread is for rite?  I dont understand why your mad. 

What does it have to do with being gay?  Im sorry if I've offended anyone.

Soon2BJLJ said:

Hi everyone!

This post has been so helpful for my FI and I.  We've been together for a few years and married last April for health insurance purposes.  But now that I have a good job and don't need his insurance, I don't really want to make our guests feel like they've been deceived, so I talked the FI into dissolving our marriage so we can actually say our real and LEGAL vows at our weding!  This especially important to me as we're having a destnation weding and people are travelling and I don't want them to think we frauded them into some kind of free trip or anything! 

We already filed the divorce paperwork!  I can't believe I'm saying I'm so excited to get divorced!  But I just want to do the rite thing by our guests.

Thank you for this thread!

*right

*escape

*grammar 

*destination 

*wedding x2

*frauded =/= a word (tricked, deceived)

syoun1nj

WeddingWire is calling your name, honey.

Soon2BJLJ

I dont think I'm devaluing marriage at all.  I think devaluing marraige would be something like getting divorced without ever having gone to counceling.  Without even trying to make it work, because then your basically saying you dont care and never did. 

I care about my FI and I care about my guests and I dont want to decieve them.  You guys made this HOLE thread about how its wrong to do a PPD and that if a couple has a JOP wedding, they don't have a right to a real symbolic ceremony and I think thats true, so we decided to dissolve the marriage and start over so we don't offend anyone.  But it seems as if I have offended you all anyway and that makes no sense to me!