Legally married, now having a "real" wedding? Stop here first! (AKA, the PPD FAQ thread)

LDay2014

If she's not lying then great! I have no problems with that...as most of us have continued to state over and over and over again, just don't lie about it.  

Be honest with your guests.

crunchymamaof2

And once again words are twisted.....just.don't.lie. Apparently being an entitled bride/wife/person means you have a thick damn skull. Ugh. Our neighbor lets his dog shit all over our neighborhood. Maybe I should go beat the hell out of him. Sure, it's an etiquette breach/illegal/terrible thing to do but I had good intentions so I'm in the clear. I mean, I was trying to save the neighborhood from all the pollution and contamination from his dogs shit, how much better could my intentions get?! Eye roll.

HiThere674

I don't understand something. Why lie? I mean, why lie that you are married? Sure, my wedding wasn't what I dreamed of but I was proud to marry my husband and made it well known that I was a married. Not telling everyone you are married even if you are having a PPD or Vow Renewal appears to me that there is a bad reason to lie about something as great as starting a new life with each other through marriage. Sure there are a lot of reasons why people legally married before having the "real thing" but why not just come out with it? Is it the fear of judgement or something?
Don't get me wrong I am having a 10 year Vow Renewal myself but I am not doing the huge thing for personal reasons. I have nothing against the big ceremonies but why lie about being married in the first place? I really don't understand.

grumbledore

I'm going to be honest here and say that I really don't think there is any acceptable reason for a PPD. Regardless of whether a couple lies, I think it is in extremely poor taste to try to redo your wedding day. People need to learn to just own their choices. Not everything in life gets a do over.

HiThere674

I just honestly don't understand the lying part. What is there to gain from it?


Sidenote: I didn't know the difference between a PPD (or re-do) and an intimate vow renewal. Thanks for the clarification.

KRD2014

this thread has replaced any and all reality TV i ever felt compelled to watch. LOL

mrs4everhart

HiThere674 said:

I don't understand something. Why lie? I mean, why lie that you are married? Sure, my wedding wasn't what I dreamed of but I was proud to marry my husband and made it well known that I was a married. Not telling everyone you are married even if you are having a PPD or Vow Renewal appears to me that there is a bad reason to lie about something as great as starting a new life with each other through marriage. Sure there are a lot of reasons why people legally married before having the "real thing" but why not just come out with it? Is it the fear of judgement or something?
Don't get me wrong I am having a 10 year Vow Renewal myself but I am not doing the huge thing for personal reasons. I have nothing against the big ceremonies but why lie about being married in the first place? I really don't understand.

I cannot answer this for others, obviously. But for us it had nothing to do with any "bad reasons" or not being proud of wanting to marry the other person or whatever. Nor was it a fear of judgement. For us, it was a decision to stay the course of our plans, despite a bump in the road. We had already set a date, made wedding and travel plans, so on and so forth prior to needing to add him to my health insurance on the fly (although we had always planned to do our paperwork right before leaving town anyway, but that is irrelevant at this point). It was our desire to have a wedding ceremony in the location of our choosing, reciting vows, exchanging rings, etc., then being married that appealed to us. Neither of us felt that signing paperwork at City Hall was what we wanted for our wedding, although neither of us thinks it's a poor or unacceptable option for others if that's what they want to do. So we made a conscious decision to not let that define our relationship. Despite what the law may consider us, we do not consider ourselves married nor will we until our wedding ceremony. We still view ourselves as engaged so it would be counter-intuitive to go public with the information. And if we're not holding ourselves out as married publicly (or privately) we don't think our legal marital status should be the business of anyone else. We never viewed not sharing our legal status as some great moral conundrum. Many, many people have had plenty to say on the subject, and they are allowed their opinions and feelings, although we are within our rights to not agree or change our plans. I hope this at least sheds light on your question. You may still not understand it, but not everyone withholds the information because of something bad, or shame, guilt or other nefarious reasons. Sometimes it's pure practicality and nothing more. 

artbyallie

STBMrsEverhart said:

HiThere674 said:

I don't understand something. Why lie? I mean, why lie that you are married? Sure, my wedding wasn't what I dreamed of but I was proud to marry my husband and made it well known that I was a married. Not telling everyone you are married even if you are having a PPD or Vow Renewal appears to me that there is a bad reason to lie about something as great as starting a new life with each other through marriage. Sure there are a lot of reasons why people legally married before having the "real thing" but why not just come out with it? Is it the fear of judgement or something?
Don't get me wrong I am having a 10 year Vow Renewal myself but I am not doing the huge thing for personal reasons. I have nothing against the big ceremonies but why lie about being married in the first place? I really don't understand.

I cannot answer this for others, obviously. But for us it had nothing to do with any "bad reasons" or not being proud of wanting to marry the other person or whatever. Nor was it a fear of judgement. For us, it was a decision to stay the course of our plans, despite a bump in the road. We had already set a date, made wedding and travel plans, so on and so forth prior to needing to add him to my health insurance on the fly (although we had always planned to do our paperwork right before leaving town anyway, but that is irrelevant at this point). It was our desire to have a wedding ceremony in the location of our choosing, reciting vows, exchanging rings, etc., then being married that appealed to us. Neither of us felt that signing paperwork at City Hall was what we wanted for our wedding, although neither of us thinks it's a poor or unacceptable option for others if that's what they want to do. So we made a conscious decision to not let that define our relationship. Despite what the law may consider us, we do not consider ourselves married nor will we until our wedding ceremony. We still view ourselves as engaged so it would be counter-intuitive to go public with the information. And if we're not holding ourselves out as married publicly (or privately) we don't think our legal marital status should be the business of anyone else. We never viewed not sharing our legal status as some great moral conundrum. Many, many people have had plenty to say on the subject, and they are allowed their opinions and feelings, although we are within our rights to not agree or change our plans. I hope this at least sheds light on your question. You may still not understand it, but not everyone withholds the information because of something bad, or shame, guilt or other nefarious reasons. Sometimes it's pure practicality and nothing more. 

But you're married. If it meant nothing, you wouldn't have done it.

jenniferurs

STBMrsEverhart said:

HiThere674 said:

I don't understand something. Why lie? I mean, why lie that you are married? Sure, my wedding wasn't what I dreamed of but I was proud to marry my husband and made it well known that I was a married. Not telling everyone you are married even if you are having a PPD or Vow Renewal appears to me that there is a bad reason to lie about something as great as starting a new life with each other through marriage. Sure there are a lot of reasons why people legally married before having the "real thing" but why not just come out with it? Is it the fear of judgement or something?
Don't get me wrong I am having a 10 year Vow Renewal myself but I am not doing the huge thing for personal reasons. I have nothing against the big ceremonies but why lie about being married in the first place? I really don't understand.

I cannot answer this for others, obviously. But for us it had nothing to do with any "bad reasons" or not being proud of wanting to marry the other person or whatever. Nor was it a fear of judgement. For us, it was a decision to stay the course of our plans, despite a bump in the road. We had already set a date, made wedding and travel plans, so on and so forth prior to needing to add him to my health insurance on the fly (although we had always planned to do our paperwork right before leaving town anyway, but that is irrelevant at this point). It was our desire to have a wedding ceremony in the location of our choosing, reciting vows, exchanging rings, etc., then being married that appealed to us. Neither of us felt that signing paperwork at City Hall was what we wanted for our wedding, although neither of us thinks it's a poor or unacceptable option for others if that's what they want to do. So we made a conscious decision to not let that define our relationship. Despite what the law may consider us, we do not consider ourselves married nor will we until our wedding ceremony. We still view ourselves as engaged so it would be counter-intuitive to go public with the information. And if we're not holding ourselves out as married publicly (or privately) we don't think our legal marital status should be the business of anyone else. We never viewed not sharing our legal status as some great moral conundrum. Many, many people have had plenty to say on the subject, and they are allowed their opinions and feelings, although we are within our rights to not agree or change our plans. I hope this at least sheds light on your question. You may still not understand it, but not everyone withholds the information because of something bad, or shame, guilt or other nefarious reasons. Sometimes it's pure practicality and nothing more. 

So if you don't actually consider yourselves to be married, but are claiming spousal benefits, what you're saying is...you're committing insurance fraud?

JCbride2015

jenniferurs said:

HiThere674 said:

I don't understand something. Why lie? I mean, why lie that you are married? Sure, my wedding wasn't what I dreamed of but I was proud to marry my husband and made it well known that I was a married. Not telling everyone you are married even if you are having a PPD or Vow Renewal appears to me that there is a bad reason to lie about something as great as starting a new life with each other through marriage. Sure there are a lot of reasons why people legally married before having the "real thing" but why not just come out with it? Is it the fear of judgement or something?
Don't get me wrong I am having a 10 year Vow Renewal myself but I am not doing the huge thing for personal reasons. I have nothing against the big ceremonies but why lie about being married in the first place? I really don't understand.

I cannot answer this for others, obviously. But for us it had nothing to do with any "bad reasons" or not being proud of wanting to marry the other person or whatever. Nor was it a fear of judgement. For us, it was a decision to stay the course of our plans, despite a bump in the road. We had already set a date, made wedding and travel plans, so on and so forth prior to needing to add him to my health insurance on the fly (although we had always planned to do our paperwork right before leaving town anyway, but that is irrelevant at this point). It was our desire to have a wedding ceremony in the location of our choosing, reciting vows, exchanging rings, etc., then being married that appealed to us. Neither of us felt that signing paperwork at City Hall was what we wanted for our wedding, although neither of us thinks it's a poor or unacceptable option for others if that's what they want to do. So we made a conscious decision to not let that define our relationship. Despite what the law may consider us, we do not consider ourselves married nor will we until our wedding ceremony. We still view ourselves as engaged so it would be counter-intuitive to go public with the information. And if we're not holding ourselves out as married publicly (or privately) we don't think our legal marital status should be the business of anyone else. We never viewed not sharing our legal status as some great moral conundrum. Many, many people have had plenty to say on the subject, and they are allowed their opinions and feelings, although we are within our rights to not agree or change our plans. I hope this at least sheds light on your question. You may still not understand it, but not everyone withholds the information because of something bad, or shame, guilt or other nefarious reasons. Sometimes it's pure practicality and nothing more. 

So if you don't actually consider yourselves to be married, but are claiming spousal benefits, what you're saying is...you're committing insurance fraud?

Yes.  Either you're married and entitled to those benefits, or you aren't.  

And yeah of course, no cops are going to come hunting you down.  But, pointing out that you're claiming to be married when it benefits you (insurance) but not when it doesn't benefit you (wanting the big wedding).

I just will still never understand the lying.  It's simple... just have a celebration of your marriage on the original wedding date.  Everyone still gets a big awesome party, but nobody is lying.

APDSS22

JCBride2014 said:

jenniferurs said:

HiThere674 said:

I don't understand something. Why lie? I mean, why lie that you are married? Sure, my wedding wasn't what I dreamed of but I was proud to marry my husband and made it well known that I was a married. Not telling everyone you are married even if you are having a PPD or Vow Renewal appears to me that there is a bad reason to lie about something as great as starting a new life with each other through marriage. Sure there are a lot of reasons why people legally married before having the "real thing" but why not just come out with it? Is it the fear of judgement or something?
Don't get me wrong I am having a 10 year Vow Renewal myself but I am not doing the huge thing for personal reasons. I have nothing against the big ceremonies but why lie about being married in the first place? I really don't understand.

I cannot answer this for others, obviously. But for us it had nothing to do with any "bad reasons" or not being proud of wanting to marry the other person or whatever. Nor was it a fear of judgement. For us, it was a decision to stay the course of our plans, despite a bump in the road. We had already set a date, made wedding and travel plans, so on and so forth prior to needing to add him to my health insurance on the fly (although we had always planned to do our paperwork right before leaving town anyway, but that is irrelevant at this point). It was our desire to have a wedding ceremony in the location of our choosing, reciting vows, exchanging rings, etc., then being married that appealed to us. Neither of us felt that signing paperwork at City Hall was what we wanted for our wedding, although neither of us thinks it's a poor or unacceptable option for others if that's what they want to do. So we made a conscious decision to not let that define our relationship. Despite what the law may consider us, we do not consider ourselves married nor will we until our wedding ceremony. We still view ourselves as engaged so it would be counter-intuitive to go public with the information. And if we're not holding ourselves out as married publicly (or privately) we don't think our legal marital status should be the business of anyone else. We never viewed not sharing our legal status as some great moral conundrum. Many, many people have had plenty to say on the subject, and they are allowed their opinions and feelings, although we are within our rights to not agree or change our plans. I hope this at least sheds light on your question. You may still not understand it, but not everyone withholds the information because of something bad, or shame, guilt or other nefarious reasons. Sometimes it's pure practicality and nothing more. 

So if you don't actually consider yourselves to be married, but are claiming spousal benefits, what you're saying is...you're committing insurance fraud?

Yes.  Either you're married and entitled to those benefits, or you aren't.  

And yeah of course, no cops are going to come hunting you down.  But, pointing out that you're claiming to be married when it benefits you (insurance) but not when it doesn't benefit you (wanting the big wedding).

I just will still never understand the lying.  It's simple... just have a celebration of your marriage on the original wedding date.  Everyone still gets a big awesome party, but nobody is lying.

Ah, but then her guests might not feel like going all the way down to Mexico to see her "get married".  They won't feel appropriately blessed and "in the moment" for what she and her husband envisioned for their "wedding" day.  If you're married enough to claim insurance benefits, you're married enough to tell everyone before they spend hundreds or thousands on travel, attire, hotel arrangements, etc for what they think is your wedding but is really just a meaningless ceremony where you get to gussy yourselves up.  The vows may be real, but the marriage, the wedding, has already occurred.  Even if it wasn't how you always envisioned your wedding or what you always wanted for your wedding.  I know you won't change your mind but it really is disgusting to pretend to not be married except for insurance benefits.  That's not all marriage is. 

mrs4everhart

jenniferurs said:

HiThere674 said:

I don't understand something. Why lie? I mean, why lie that you are married? Sure, my wedding wasn't what I dreamed of but I was proud to marry my husband and made it well known that I was a married. Not telling everyone you are married even if you are having a PPD or Vow Renewal appears to me that there is a bad reason to lie about something as great as starting a new life with each other through marriage. Sure there are a lot of reasons why people legally married before having the "real thing" but why not just come out with it? Is it the fear of judgement or something?
Don't get me wrong I am having a 10 year Vow Renewal myself but I am not doing the huge thing for personal reasons. I have nothing against the big ceremonies but why lie about being married in the first place? I really don't understand.

I cannot answer this for others, obviously. But for us it had nothing to do with any "bad reasons" or not being proud of wanting to marry the other person or whatever. Nor was it a fear of judgement. For us, it was a decision to stay the course of our plans, despite a bump in the road. We had already set a date, made wedding and travel plans, so on and so forth prior to needing to add him to my health insurance on the fly (although we had always planned to do our paperwork right before leaving town anyway, but that is irrelevant at this point). It was our desire to have a wedding ceremony in the location of our choosing, reciting vows, exchanging rings, etc., then being married that appealed to us. Neither of us felt that signing paperwork at City Hall was what we wanted for our wedding, although neither of us thinks it's a poor or unacceptable option for others if that's what they want to do. So we made a conscious decision to not let that define our relationship. Despite what the law may consider us, we do not consider ourselves married nor will we until our wedding ceremony. We still view ourselves as engaged so it would be counter-intuitive to go public with the information. And if we're not holding ourselves out as married publicly (or privately) we don't think our legal marital status should be the business of anyone else. We never viewed not sharing our legal status as some great moral conundrum. Many, many people have had plenty to say on the subject, and they are allowed their opinions and feelings, although we are within our rights to not agree or change our plans. I hope this at least sheds light on your question. You may still not understand it, but not everyone withholds the information because of something bad, or shame, guilt or other nefarious reasons. Sometimes it's pure practicality and nothing more. 

So if you don't actually consider yourselves to be married, but are claiming spousal benefits, what you're saying is...you're committing insurance fraud?

No, that's not at all what I'm saying. Fraud is a legal definition. We have broken no laws. My insurance company doesn't care how we view our relationship or how many symbolic wedding ceremonies we care to have. Why would they? In their view we have followed their requirements to a T. What we choose to tell people, or not, about our marital status is of no interest to our insurance company. 

ETA: bad grammar. 

mrs4everhart

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

JCBride2014 said:

jenniferurs said:

HiThere674 said:

I don't understand something. Why lie? I mean, why lie that you are married? Sure, my wedding wasn't what I dreamed of but I was proud to marry my husband and made it well known that I was a married. Not telling everyone you are married even if you are having a PPD or Vow Renewal appears to me that there is a bad reason to lie about something as great as starting a new life with each other through marriage. Sure there are a lot of reasons why people legally married before having the "real thing" but why not just come out with it? Is it the fear of judgement or something?
Don't get me wrong I am having a 10 year Vow Renewal myself but I am not doing the huge thing for personal reasons. I have nothing against the big ceremonies but why lie about being married in the first place? I really don't understand.

I cannot answer this for others, obviously. But for us it had nothing to do with any "bad reasons" or not being proud of wanting to marry the other person or whatever. Nor was it a fear of judgement. For us, it was a decision to stay the course of our plans, despite a bump in the road. We had already set a date, made wedding and travel plans, so on and so forth prior to needing to add him to my health insurance on the fly (although we had always planned to do our paperwork right before leaving town anyway, but that is irrelevant at this point). It was our desire to have a wedding ceremony in the location of our choosing, reciting vows, exchanging rings, etc., then being married that appealed to us. Neither of us felt that signing paperwork at City Hall was what we wanted for our wedding, although neither of us thinks it's a poor or unacceptable option for others if that's what they want to do. So we made a conscious decision to not let that define our relationship. Despite what the law may consider us, we do not consider ourselves married nor will we until our wedding ceremony. We still view ourselves as engaged so it would be counter-intuitive to go public with the information. And if we're not holding ourselves out as married publicly (or privately) we don't think our legal marital status should be the business of anyone else. We never viewed not sharing our legal status as some great moral conundrum. Many, many people have had plenty to say on the subject, and they are allowed their opinions and feelings, although we are within our rights to not agree or change our plans. I hope this at least sheds light on your question. You may still not understand it, but not everyone withholds the information because of something bad, or shame, guilt or other nefarious reasons. Sometimes it's pure practicality and nothing more. 

So if you don't actually consider yourselves to be married, but are claiming spousal benefits, what you're saying is...you're committing insurance fraud?

Yes.  Either you're married and entitled to those benefits, or you aren't.  

And yeah of course, no cops are going to come hunting you down.  But, pointing out that you're claiming to be married when it benefits you (insurance) but not when it doesn't benefit you (wanting the big wedding).

I just will still never understand the lying.  It's simple... just have a celebration of your marriage on the original wedding date.  Everyone still gets a big awesome party, but nobody is lying.

Ah, but then her guests might not feel like going all the way down to Mexico to see her "get married".  They won't feel appropriately blessed and "in the moment" for what she and her husband envisioned for their "wedding" day.  If you're married enough to claim insurance benefits, you're married enough to tell everyone before they spend hundreds or thousands on travel, attire, hotel arrangements, etc for what they think is your wedding but is really just a meaningless ceremony where you get to gussy yourselves up.  The vows may be real, but the marriage, the wedding, has already occurred.  Even if it wasn't how you always envisioned your wedding or what you always wanted for your wedding.  I know you won't change your mind but it really is disgusting to pretend to not be married except for insurance benefits.  That's not all marriage is. 

You're welcome to get married however you choose. You're welcome to view and define your marriage however you choose. We didn't make our decisions based on other people's feelings. We made them based  on our own. 

APDSS22

STBMrsEverhart said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

JCBride2014 said:

jenniferurs said:

HiThere674 said:

I don't understand something. Why lie? I mean, why lie that you are married? Sure, my wedding wasn't what I dreamed of but I was proud to marry my husband and made it well known that I was a married. Not telling everyone you are married even if you are having a PPD or Vow Renewal appears to me that there is a bad reason to lie about something as great as starting a new life with each other through marriage. Sure there are a lot of reasons why people legally married before having the "real thing" but why not just come out with it? Is it the fear of judgement or something?
Don't get me wrong I am having a 10 year Vow Renewal myself but I am not doing the huge thing for personal reasons. I have nothing against the big ceremonies but why lie about being married in the first place? I really don't understand.

I cannot answer this for others, obviously. But for us it had nothing to do with any "bad reasons" or not being proud of wanting to marry the other person or whatever. Nor was it a fear of judgement. For us, it was a decision to stay the course of our plans, despite a bump in the road. We had already set a date, made wedding and travel plans, so on and so forth prior to needing to add him to my health insurance on the fly (although we had always planned to do our paperwork right before leaving town anyway, but that is irrelevant at this point). It was our desire to have a wedding ceremony in the location of our choosing, reciting vows, exchanging rings, etc., then being married that appealed to us. Neither of us felt that signing paperwork at City Hall was what we wanted for our wedding, although neither of us thinks it's a poor or unacceptable option for others if that's what they want to do. So we made a conscious decision to not let that define our relationship. Despite what the law may consider us, we do not consider ourselves married nor will we until our wedding ceremony. We still view ourselves as engaged so it would be counter-intuitive to go public with the information. And if we're not holding ourselves out as married publicly (or privately) we don't think our legal marital status should be the business of anyone else. We never viewed not sharing our legal status as some great moral conundrum. Many, many people have had plenty to say on the subject, and they are allowed their opinions and feelings, although we are within our rights to not agree or change our plans. I hope this at least sheds light on your question. You may still not understand it, but not everyone withholds the information because of something bad, or shame, guilt or other nefarious reasons. Sometimes it's pure practicality and nothing more. 

So if you don't actually consider yourselves to be married, but are claiming spousal benefits, what you're saying is...you're committing insurance fraud?

Yes.  Either you're married and entitled to those benefits, or you aren't.  

And yeah of course, no cops are going to come hunting you down.  But, pointing out that you're claiming to be married when it benefits you (insurance) but not when it doesn't benefit you (wanting the big wedding).

I just will still never understand the lying.  It's simple... just have a celebration of your marriage on the original wedding date.  Everyone still gets a big awesome party, but nobody is lying.

Ah, but then her guests might not feel like going all the way down to Mexico to see her "get married".  They won't feel appropriately blessed and "in the moment" for what she and her husband envisioned for their "wedding" day.  If you're married enough to claim insurance benefits, you're married enough to tell everyone before they spend hundreds or thousands on travel, attire, hotel arrangements, etc for what they think is your wedding but is really just a meaningless ceremony where you get to gussy yourselves up.  The vows may be real, but the marriage, the wedding, has already occurred.  Even if it wasn't how you always envisioned your wedding or what you always wanted for your wedding.  I know you won't change your mind but it really is disgusting to pretend to not be married except for insurance benefits.  That's not all marriage is. 

You're welcome to get married however you choose. You're welcome to view and define your marriage however you choose. We didn't make our decisions based on other people's feelings. We made them based  on our own. 

That has been made abundantly clear.

NYCBruin

FFS you can't be a little bit married.  You are either married or you aren't.  @STBMrsEverhart you are married whether you "consider" yourself married or not.

This is basically the equivalent of a 2 month along pregnant woman saying that she doesn't "consider" herself pregnant until she is showing.  Doesn't change the fact that she's still pregnant, just like your mental gymnastics regarding your "wedding" doesn't change the fact that you are someone's wife.

lyndausvi

STBMrsEverhart said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

JCBride2014 said:

jenniferurs said:

HiThere674 said:

I don't understand something. Why lie? I mean, why lie that you are married? Sure, my wedding wasn't what I dreamed of but I was proud to marry my husband and made it well known that I was a married. Not telling everyone you are married even if you are having a PPD or Vow Renewal appears to me that there is a bad reason to lie about something as great as starting a new life with each other through marriage. Sure there are a lot of reasons why people legally married before having the "real thing" but why not just come out with it? Is it the fear of judgement or something?
Don't get me wrong I am having a 10 year Vow Renewal myself but I am not doing the huge thing for personal reasons. I have nothing against the big ceremonies but why lie about being married in the first place? I really don't understand.

I cannot answer this for others, obviously. But for us it had nothing to do with any "bad reasons" or not being proud of wanting to marry the other person or whatever. Nor was it a fear of judgement. For us, it was a decision to stay the course of our plans, despite a bump in the road. We had already set a date, made wedding and travel plans, so on and so forth prior to needing to add him to my health insurance on the fly (although we had always planned to do our paperwork right before leaving town anyway, but that is irrelevant at this point). It was our desire to have a wedding ceremony in the location of our choosing, reciting vows, exchanging rings, etc., then being married that appealed to us. Neither of us felt that signing paperwork at City Hall was what we wanted for our wedding, although neither of us thinks it's a poor or unacceptable option for others if that's what they want to do. So we made a conscious decision to not let that define our relationship. Despite what the law may consider us, we do not consider ourselves married nor will we until our wedding ceremony. We still view ourselves as engaged so it would be counter-intuitive to go public with the information. And if we're not holding ourselves out as married publicly (or privately) we don't think our legal marital status should be the business of anyone else. We never viewed not sharing our legal status as some great moral conundrum. Many, many people have had plenty to say on the subject, and they are allowed their opinions and feelings, although we are within our rights to not agree or change our plans. I hope this at least sheds light on your question. You may still not understand it, but not everyone withholds the information because of something bad, or shame, guilt or other nefarious reasons. Sometimes it's pure practicality and nothing more. 

So if you don't actually consider yourselves to be married, but are claiming spousal benefits, what you're saying is...you're committing insurance fraud?

Yes.  Either you're married and entitled to those benefits, or you aren't.  

And yeah of course, no cops are going to come hunting you down.  But, pointing out that you're claiming to be married when it benefits you (insurance) but not when it doesn't benefit you (wanting the big wedding).

I just will still never understand the lying.  It's simple... just have a celebration of your marriage on the original wedding date.  Everyone still gets a big awesome party, but nobody is lying.

Ah, but then her guests might not feel like going all the way down to Mexico to see her "get married".  They won't feel appropriately blessed and "in the moment" for what she and her husband envisioned for their "wedding" day.  If you're married enough to claim insurance benefits, you're married enough to tell everyone before they spend hundreds or thousands on travel, attire, hotel arrangements, etc for what they think is your wedding but is really just a meaningless ceremony where you get to gussy yourselves up.  The vows may be real, but the marriage, the wedding, has already occurred.  Even if it wasn't how you always envisioned your wedding or what you always wanted for your wedding.  I know you won't change your mind but it really is disgusting to pretend to not be married except for insurance benefits.  That's not all marriage is. 

You're welcome to get married however you choose. You're welcome to view and define your marriage however you choose. We didn't make our decisions based on other people's feelings. We made them based  on our own. 

Question - Should your DH/FI die today (meaning before your Mexican "real" wedding) would you list yourself in the obit as the widow or as the FI?

mrs4everhart

Musikalbunni said:

I do understand you getting married for practical reasons. I do. It happens. It's life. 

But you made a choice. 

This is what bothers me from what you said: that you don't consider yourselves married until you've had a ceremony. You got married to gain a marital right - correct? (Health Insurance).

You not feeling married does not take away from the fact that you freaking ARE married. 

BTW, you are not engaged. You are somebody's wife. MARRIED.

You can view my relationship however you'd like. That doesn't change our views or intentions. You can use all the capital letters at your disposal and we'll still view ourselves as engaged and hold ourselves out that way until the 13th of September. 

I'm not going to go back through all these arguments, there's nothing I haven't said at least twice on these boards. The fact is, if the legal outcome is the only fact that matters to anyone, then no one should be hosting frilly weddings. Everyone should just sign and move on. But people want what they want and see value in what they will. What we value is the public declaration of our vows. If we were solely concerned with what our state considered us, we wouldn't have had to do a thing, we qualified as common-law a million years ago. 

NYCBruin

STBMrsEverhart said:

Musikalbunni said:

I do understand you getting married for practical reasons. I do. It happens. It's life. 

But you made a choice. 

This is what bothers me from what you said: that you don't consider yourselves married until you've had a ceremony. You got married to gain a marital right - correct? (Health Insurance).

You not feeling married does not take away from the fact that you freaking ARE married. 

BTW, you are not engaged. You are somebody's wife. MARRIED.

You can view my relationship however you'd like. That doesn't change our views or intentions. You can use all the capital letters at your disposal and we'll still view ourselves as engaged and hold ourselves out that way until the 13th of September. 

I'm not going to go back through all these arguments, there's nothing I haven't said at least twice on these boards. The fact is, if the legal outcome is the only fact that matters to anyone, then no one should be hosting frilly weddings. Everyone should just sign and move on. But people want what they want and see value in what they will. What we value is the public declaration of our vows. If we were solely concerned with what our state considered us, we wouldn't have had to do a thing, we qualified as common-law a million years ago. 

The legal outcome is important.  So important that it's worth celebrating!  You putting on a play where you say "vows" is not in many people's minds.

Maggie0829

As I stated in a thread on the Snarky board, how about we all just agree to ignore and no longer respond to STBMrsEverhart. Here views are not going to change no matter how much people tell her that she is wrong. So why waste your time? Also, to STBMrsEverhart, no matter what you say you will not change our minds on your situation. To keep dragging this out is a complete waste of time.

crunchymamaof2

@stbmrseverhart, now you're lying to yourself and us it seems. You've admitted in a previous thread that you want your guests to feel "in the moment" so that is why you're not telling your guests. I only hope karma comes back around for your disgusting and selfish behavior. There is not one good reason to lie about getting married before your "wedding". I still think PPDs are tacky but I'd suck up my feelings and be happy for the couple if they were upfront about already being married. Lying about it only serves yourself and speaks volumes about your character (general you)

grumbledore

MrsEverhart is just wrong, there's really no reason to keep discussing it, @Maggie0829 has the right of it.

lyndausvi

Maggie0829 said:

As I stated in a thread on the Snarky board, how about we all just agree to ignore and no longer respond to STBMrsEverhart. Here views are not going to change no matter how much people tell her that she is wrong. So why waste your time? Also, to STBMrsEverhart, no matter what you say you will not change our minds on your situation. To keep dragging this out is a complete waste of time.

I agree with you.  I was just really curious if this was a take to your grave type thing or not.

NYCBruin

grumbledore said:

@MrsEverhart is just wrong, there's really no reason to keep discussing it, @Maggie0829 has the right of it.

I see what you did there and I approve

mrs4everhart

lyndausvi said:

Maggie0829 said:

As I stated in a thread on the Snarky board, how about we all just agree to ignore and no longer respond to STBMrsEverhart. Here views are not going to change no matter how much people tell her that she is wrong. So why waste your time? Also, to STBMrsEverhart, no matter what you say you will not change our minds on your situation. To keep dragging this out is a complete waste of time.

I agree with you.  I was just really curious if this was a take to your grave type thing or not.

Yes, of course it is.

and to the rest of you, i wasn't hoping to have any effect on your outlook. i was answering @HiThere674's question. 

KRD2014

after bearing witness to this lengthy saga, the importance of getting "really" "legally" "married" on my actual "wedding day" became more important. our situation was this: we plan to marry at a destination wedding. in that county, we are allowed to get married by anyone we choose, named Commissioner of the Day. we however discovered in the legal rules of this option, one of us, or the officiant, has to be a resident of that county. our briefly-considered other option was to "get married" in our home county, the day before we leave for our destination wedding. i did not like this idea at all, aside from all of the reasons posted here. for our own rememberance and sentimentality, i wanted the real wedding to happen on the planned wedding day. i did not want to stand up there in front of our 200 friends and family, knowing in my heart it was done 2 days ago. so we are going with plan C ~~ we found a different friend who lives in the county of our destination wedding, who also happens to be an ordained minister, who we have asked to perform our ceremony. the whole legal shebang on the big wedding day. we're THRILLED with this decision. i did not fully realize until it was decided and arranged, that it really did matter to me. it took some jumping thru hoops and we had to back track after thinking we "had the plans set" since last September. anyway, i know there are plenty of people on here who have their reasons for doing the legal thing first and the big party wedding later, whether they lie or not to their guests ... all of that I will refrain from commenting on. their personal choices do not affect me so I don't feel the need to comment, suggest, or impose rules. they'll do it whatever way they want anyway. my only hope is they are truly making a choice they can live with and stand by, no matter what the outcome.

MobKaz

KRD2014 said:

after bearing witness to this lengthy saga, the importance of getting "really" "legally" "married" on my actual "wedding day" became more important. our situation was this: we plan to marry at a destination wedding. in that county, we are allowed to get married by anyone we choose, named Commissioner of the Day. we however discovered in the legal rules of this option, one of us, or the officiant, has to be a resident of that county. our briefly-considered other option was to "get married" in our home county, the day before we leave for our destination wedding. i did not like this idea at all, aside from all of the reasons posted here. for our own rememberance and sentimentality, i wanted the real wedding to happen on the planned wedding day. i did not want to stand up there in front of our 200 friends and family, knowing in my heart it was done 2 days ago. so we are going with plan C ~~ we found a different friend who lives in the county of our destination wedding, who also happens to be an ordained minister, who we have asked to perform our ceremony. the whole legal shebang on the big wedding day. we're THRILLED with this decision. i did not fully realize until it was decided and arranged, that it really did matter to me. it took some jumping thru hoops and we had to back track after thinking we "had the plans set" since last September. anyway, i know there are plenty of people on here who have their reasons for doing the legal thing first and the big party wedding later, whether they lie or not to their guests ... all of that I will refrain from commenting on. their personal choices do not affect me so I don't feel the need to comment, suggest, or impose rules. they'll do it whatever way they want anyway. my only hope is they are truly making a choice they can live with and stand by, no matter what the outcome.

I applaud your integrity.  I think what is most difficult for many posters to comprehend is how someone can not only choose to lie to friends and family, but be completely comfortable in living the lie.  I will never understand anyone that does not value the truth.

jenniferurs

STBMrsEverhart said:

You're welcome to get married however you choose. You're welcome to view and define your marriage however you choose. We didn't make our decisions based on other people's feelings. We made them based  on our own. 

And that's exactly why people have a problem with you. If you didn't want to take anyone else's thoughts/feelings into consideration, then you should have eloped and had a guest-free wedding. The second that you decided to involve others by inviting guests, asking them to take both the time and money to fly out of the country for your benefit...well you better damn well have others' thoughts/feelings in mind. They should be free to make a fully informed decision as to whether or not this is truly something they want to spend their time/money on and they can't so long as you're continuing to lie to them about the nature of what they're witnessing. 

grumbledore

MrsEverhart - your whole reason for doing all of this is because you are selfish. If you'd at least admit that, I'd have 1% respect for you rather than none.

flyingfoxes

lol @ married people considering themselves "engaged".  This thread cracks me up. 

mrs4everhart

@jenniferurs - Oh no! Strangers on the internet have a problem with me? I'm so torn up! LMFAO!

@grumbledore - I've never once claimed I'm not selfish. I'm extremely selfish and am well aware of it. But I don't want or need your respect! 

@acove2006 - If you plan to invoke concepts from eastern religion please at least realize that thoughts and intentions are considered by karma as well as deeds. So your inferring that you hope negative things happen to me as a consequence of my actions isn't doing anything good for your karma. And FWIW if we're talking about what-comes-around-goes-around, we've been lied to by very close friends regarding facts of their marriage. You know what I did? I built a bridge and got the fuck over it.