Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot

MeaghanandMichael · April 2010

"Call me rude rude bride..." In my head now

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one?

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas?

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it?

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out:

banana468 · April 2010

1) No. When you put something out there on a forum, you have to be prepared for all types of responses as long as they follow TK rules.

2) Yes! Find out NOW if what you're doing is bad. Wouldn't you want to know this BEFORE you have a room full of angry guests?

3) No. I didn't propose to do rude things.

4) Tiered receptions make me want to take a grapefruit spoon to my sockets.

[Deleted User] · April 2010

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one? Not necessarily. I will fully admit to being harsh, but I think you just have to be prepared for what you get when you post on a message board.

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? Yes. Why would you post a question if you didn't want the answer?

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? Sort of. My first post was a question about a cash bar. My sister was throwing an engagement party for us and there was going to be a cash bar. I felt weird about it, so I posted to see if it was rude. I got the advice that I needed and adjusted some things so that we didn't have to have a cash bar.

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out. Inviting people to the ceremony, but not the reception. AND getting married in secret and then having a big stupid fake wedding later where you lie to your friends and family.

Starmusica · April 2010

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one? No! You have to expect a little more bluntness when you post on an anonymous message board!

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? The whole point of posting here is to get other brides opinions. I for one would MUCH rather be told I am being a rude bitch than have my friends or family silently thinking that because of some misstep I made.

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? I was told it was rude to put "formal attire" on my invite, so I did not. I was also told it was rude to do a head table, but my bridal party voted FOR it, so its a go.

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out: After reading banana's comment about tiered receptions, I had to look back through this board to figure out what the heck they were. This has to be the absolute rudest thing I have ever heard of!

Starmusica · April 2010

oh- another thing that makes me tear my eyes out- brides that come on and say they are secretly married already and is it rude not to tell their families. YES, this is rude! You shouldn't have to lie about your marriage! If you are... something is wrong with this picture!..

ok I am done venting

penguingal06 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_polldiscussion-rudenesseffrontery-knot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5d8c74e1-57ec-4645-a619-e9a05a6f6a25Post:d0ecc50e-99ba-4ae6-8571-58d56bf5218f">Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot</a>:
[QUOTE]"Call me rude rude bride..." In my head now ;) 1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one?Certainly not. Letting others become aware of their mistakes and/or breaches of etiquette is one thing, but doing it with poor manners yourself is a whole different story.
 2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? A large portion of consulting others is certainly letting them know when they are doing something wrong, but again, there is a right way to do it and a wrong way.
3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? I would respectfully decline to answer this particular question.
4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out:Poor manners in response to a simple question or comment. There is absolutely no need for name calling on behalf of those GIVING advice nor on those who have RECEIVED said advice. As adults we should be able to conduct ourselves appropriately.
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

banana468 · April 2010

And getting married in secret and lying about it to everyone makes me want to wallop you.

That's ruder than a tiered reception actually. At least with a tiered reception, you're being honest in your rudeness. I loathe dishonesty.

MeaghanandMichael · April 2010

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one? Absolutely not. I think one of the reasons people think it is bitchy is because it is rather overwhleming to be confronted with your own rudeness. I know it takes a big person to look at themselves and admit they are being rude, but it doesn't make other posters bitches if you are vehemently opposed to their advice.
2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? It is the the most major reason in my opinion. No one is birthed knowing how to plan a wedding and having questions/weird ideas is totally normal. Coming on an internet site soley to AW your wedding with no respect for feedback is terribly self centered. No, everything does NOT need to be hugs and rainbows about wedding 'checks.'

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? I honestly didn't know e-parties were anticipated as gift giving events so Mike and I planned one. It was much more a 'night out at the bar with all our friends via fb invite' than anything formal and no family was invited. I still feel like an idiot though. This is why I can understand why engagements can go to your head and not allow you to think things through.

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out: Along with the things pps have mentioned, I truly do not understand how people think of alcohol as a negotiable item. I am not talking about the decision to have a dry wedding. If you want a dry wedding, fine, great. But how is asking guests to pay for alcohol any less rude than asking them to pay to use the bathroom or pay to eat hors d'oeuvres and not just the entree? Why does alcohol stand on its own? GAH! It just confuses the heck out of me why so many people are so fine with being rude over this one particular thing!

lisarose7 · April 2010

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one? No. It's giving an opinion. However some people don't get the point of posting on boards.

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? Yes...but there are too many whiny brides around here who think asking for opinions means asking for validation and anyone who disagrees is "mean".

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? My aunts wanted to throw an out-of-state shower for me that I wouldn't be able to attend and I felt uncomfortable about it. I asked for opinions, you all confirmed it was inappropriate, and I had my mother ask her sisters not to throw me an absentee shower.

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out: Just one? It's hard to decide between dollar dances, brides throwing their own showers, people inviting guests to showers who aren't invited to the wedding just to get more gifts, couples including poems in their invitations asking for money, and secretly wedded couples having fake weddings.

MeaghanandMichael · April 2010

Penguin, I am interested in the last point about 'calling names.' I think some posters on here would argue telling some one they are rude, selfish, whiney, or immature IS calling names. I don't think so, because I know I would want that reality check if I were being a brat.

However, I agree that calling some one ugly or something is horrible.

Starmusica · April 2010

Meag- I think the thing about alcohol is the $$. We are doing open bar for the cocktail hour and free wine and champagne throughout dinner. However, to have done open bar for our reception our venue was going to charge us nearly $6,000! We simply do not have it. We are hoping the copious amounts of free alcohol early on will soften the rudeness there. We just can't do it.

baystateapple · April 2010

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one? If I was legit doing something rude and I got flamed on it, I'd be mortified, but I wouldn't consider it bitchy. In hindsight, I'd probably be grateful for it.

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? Yes.

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? I honestly didn't know that it was rude to do a donation favor until I was here. I've hence decided not to do it.

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out: Making guests pay for anything during the reception, and tiered receptions.

lharri12 · April 2010

1) No. It is not bitchy to tell someone that what they are planning is rude. Hopefully it will encourage them to reconsider so they do not offend their family and friends.

2) Yes, this is the entire point of posting questions on here.

3) Yes - we were doing something related to FI's family that I thought was rude, so I posed a question, was ripped to shreds, called names, insulted personally, etc., even though this was FI's decision about his family. I appreciated more being respectfully told that what we were doing was rude, and I would have gotten the point without name-calling. I think it's ironic that some people tell you're rude while, in the same sentence, calling you names. I did, eventually, convince my FI to approach his family differently.

4) Tiered receptions! I can't believe anyone thinks it is okay to have an A-list who is served dinner and a B-list who has to make a trip to McDonald's. RUFK?!

MeaghanandMichael · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_polldiscussion-rudenesseffrontery-knot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5d8c74e1-57ec-4645-a619-e9a05a6f6a25Post:f41696f5-34d2-4932-b106-d70272360163">Re: Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot</a>:
[QUOTE]Meag- I think the thing about alcohol is the $$. We are doing open bar for the cocktail hour and free wine and champagne throughout dinner. However, to have done open bar for our reception our venue was going to charge us nearly $6,000! We simply do not have it. We are hoping the copious amounts of free alcohol early on will soften the rudeness there. We just can't do it.
Posted by Starmusica[/QUOTE]

Star, I totally get manymany venues charge and arm and leg for alcohol and it is ridiculous. My point is, then perhaps that venue is not right for you? I say this respectfully in that all things like this should be taken into consieration during wedding planning. I know that one of the first questions we asked when we booked our venue was pricing. It they had told me it was going to be an extra $6000.00 for alochol that would have been a serious discussion. Luckily, they allowed me to bring my own.That being said, providing champagne and wine all night is great.

Starmusica · April 2010

Meag- O I totally get it. It was never really a concern for us. I don't think I have ever been to wedding with open bar all night. I know for a lot of people that is totally common, but none of my friends or family have had an open bar at their wedding so it never really crossed our minds. There wasn't a single venue we looked at that it would have worked in our budget. Our cocktail hour is actually an hour and a half, and with the wine service.. we figured fine. I get that some people think its rude. I'm not insulted

. I just know how my family and friends will react so I'm not concerned

.

nda_roxybabe · April 2010

Woohoo an SB poll!

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one? No. I realize sometimes we (I) get bitchy but that comes when the person is just not getting. Saying the same thing nicely over and over gets old.

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? This is. Also, having past brides on here is vital to this board. I can not even imagine the lameness of The Knot if all the married people were gone.

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? N/a yet but I can bet you I won't be doing anything rude.

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out: Oy there are so many...
1. Having a cash bar where you keep the extra money (and cash bars in general)
2. "Secret" weddings

emarston1 · April 2010

1. No. But there is a difference between telling someone they are acting bitchy, bratty, spoiled, etc. and saying that they are a bitch, brat, spoiled, etc.

2. Most of the posters that complain that someone was rude/bitchy to them is because they were looking for validation rather than honest opinions. They don't understand the "rules" of internet posting.

3. Um nothing I can think of (although I'm still over a year out). The only "rude" thing I can think of is that we are having a gap between our ceremony and reception which will be about 2 hours. (gotta love those Catholic ceremonies)

4. Late thank-yous and/or trying to find "easy" ways to send them. If someone gets you a gift, you need to send them a proper thank you promptly. FBIL and FSIL got married last year and it was a little over 3 months before we got a thank you. I am convinced we got one only because I accidently made an off hand comment about not having received one yet to FMIL.

- Registry information in the invites. I have personally never received one but if I did, I would be extremely offended.

beatlesgirl25 · April 2010

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one? Nope. That's what people post here for (or at least it's what these boards are intended for), to take the temperature of an issue beforehand with people who aren't involved IRL. Even in really blunt posts such as, "It's not justified to do this stupid fucking idea just because you want your pretty princess day!!!", there is an element of advice in them, and of answering the question. But I can see how someone might consider that bitchy if they were expecting total validation here.

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? It is. And for support, of course! Which I see much more commonly on issues that are not breaches of etiquette. And I admit it's much easier to give support only to posters who do not present as defensive and confrontational, and who actually listen.

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? My first post on the boards was about inviting some but not all of the guests' kids to the wedding. People were blunt for sure, but I got some great ideas about how to make respectful cutoffs and in how to deal with notifying parents should there be any confusion.

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out: Like others have said, definitely lying about being married so you can have another PPD, and also tiered receptions. It's incredibly selfish to choose not to make cutoffs on your guestlist based on how many you can fully accommodate, but rather on greedily insisting that as many people as possible come see you on your wedding day. Have some class, people.

beatlesgirl25 · April 2010

Also, now I have the bride version of "Rude Boy" stuck in my head too. Thanks Meg.

MeaghanandMichael · April 2010

Personally, I am waiting to hear opinions of the nay sayers. For a very vocal group, they seem to be in hiding.

AllenBaker · April 2010

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one?
I'd rather have someone tell me that my idea was not gonna fly then try it and have everyong at the wedding think those things. It's not like anyone on here attacks anyone personally (at least from what I've seen). It's just silly to get bent out of shape about responses on an internet forum.

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas?
Most definitely. It I wanted constant validation, I'd just tell my ideas to my grandmother. She thinks the sun shines out of my a$$.

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it?
Cash bars are very common in my area. Now the concept bugs me and it makes sense that you should provide SOMETHING to your guests.

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out:
Honestly, I can't stand when people are really open about the gift aspect of weddings. I have had quite a few people tell me how much money they "made" at their wedding. Oh wow, didn't realize you were selling tickets.

beatlesgirl25 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_polldiscussion-rudenesseffrontery-knot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5d8c74e1-57ec-4645-a619-e9a05a6f6a25Post:66fb5eda-304b-4226-9bb5-d5309965e549">Re: Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I am waiting to hear opinions of the nay sayers. For a very vocal group, they seem to be in hiding.
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

I am curious as well. Come out guys, it's okay! Polls are easy in that they solicit opinions from you, so there's less of a sense of "putting yourself out there." In case that happens to be anyone's concern.

amylydia23 · April 2010

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one? No, absolutely not. I don't post on here often but I do lurk on the SB board and have found it very helpful. I think that people get way too sensitive when others don't agree with them.

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? That is exactly the point of these boards. I personally love the blunt answers, like PPs have said it's better to hear it on here than have your family and friends thinking it behind your back.

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? I hadn't posted it myself but reading about the cash bars has changed my mind on what I had orginally planned on doing. I wanted to have a full open bar for cocktail hour and have open beer and wine for the reception with cash cocktails. After reading a lot of posts on here I have decided to have open beer and wine and a signature cocktail.

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out: It does drive me crazy when someone keeps their marriage from their family and friends. I see this a lot being an Army wife and it makes me sick. Yes, I had a JOP ceremony with just the two of us but our families and friends were very well aware and are very excited for the big party after my H gets out of the Army. Which brings me to my next topic... I do think its rude to have a bridal shower AFTER you are already married and living together. I am by no means having a shower but more of a nice brunch with my bridesmaids, my mom, my MIL, and a few close friends with absolutely NO GIFTS involved. Sorry that was long just had to get that off my chest.

nda_roxybabe · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_polldiscussion-rudenesseffrontery-knot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5d8c74e1-57ec-4645-a619-e9a05a6f6a25Post:797947d8-12b0-4f9a-8183-60e4878a8166">Re: Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot</a>:
[QUOTE]1. No. But there is a difference between telling someone they are acting bitchy, bratty, spoiled, etc. and saying that they are a bitch, brat, spoiled, etc. 
Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]
Yes! This exactly. How come I can never get that into the right words?

alclover · April 2010

Does telling someone they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to someone? I hate the words RUDE, SELFISH, KLASSY, and often, but not always, IMMATURE. I think they end conversation and are counterproductive. That doesn’t make one a bitch, but we often battle knowing there will be no agreement or compromise between the discussing parties. Seems useless and sours people quickly. Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? Do I think the purpose of posting is to see if someone will call me rude? Absolutely not! I have yet to find any wedding rule written on stone tablets. Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? All of the above? I never questioned the dollar dance or garter toss before I got on this site – they have just been that common in the weddings I have attended. But, since encountering these hot discussion topics, I won’t be doing either. However, I will be doing a “tiered” reception despite the visceral reaction this getsJ. I haven’t thought it rude as a guest and don’t feel I will be creating some sh#t storm among my friends – just knotties. I’ll let you all know later if you’re right. (And just to clarify – these aren’t formal invites, but I have a feeling that doesn’t matter)Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out: The three hour gap and ceremony/reception sites being a great distance apart. Oh, and the two-day wedding – eck!

xoxob · April 2010

"Call me rude rude bride..." In my head now

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one? NO. I have to admitt, I am blunt and sarcastic, but I don't think I am every aggressively rude. (until provoked) I get really irked when I say something like "If you do x, you will be preceived as y and z" and the bride is all "OMG, xoxob, you horrendous looking plebeian! How dare you call me y and z" And I'm like "Uh, I didn't, but now I will." JK, the brides that do that don't know the word plebeian.

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? Yes. Honest advice > Harmful validation.

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? Yes, but it's not etiquette related.

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out: Do you have six hours? I think it's just the general sense of entitement some, let's call them girls (because ladies and women would never behiave this way) get. This OMG your entire life has to stop because I am getting married. OMG, I have a diamond on my finger so every conversation I have has to revolve around that fact alone.

emarston1 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_polldiscussion-rudenesseffrontery-knot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5d8c74e1-57ec-4645-a619-e9a05a6f6a25Post:4926ffab-bb83-46b3-9d23-b22c83be6c7f">Re: Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot : Yes! This exactly. How come I can never get that into the right words?
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

It drives me nuts with OPs confuse that their idea is rude/selfish with a poster calling them rude/selfish. There is a HUGE difference. Sure, I can be rude at times but do I consider myself a rude person in general, absolutely not.

emarston1 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_polldiscussion-rudenesseffrontery-knot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5d8c74e1-57ec-4645-a619-e9a05a6f6a25Post:22a0f405-4fd4-4df2-bade-a5b887bc2b9d">Re: Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot</a>:
[QUOTE]I have yet to find any wedding rule written on stone tablets.
Posted by alclover[/QUOTE]

It may not be stone tablets but it's called Emily Post. Or the more updated Miss Manners. My mom bought the book (and I then hijacked it from her), "Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding." It is a good read and quite humorous.

Lenore2010 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_polldiscussion-rudenesseffrontery-knot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5d8c74e1-57ec-4645-a619-e9a05a6f6a25Post:d0ecc50e-99ba-4ae6-8571-58d56bf5218f">Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot</a>:
[QUOTE]"Call me rude rude bride..." In my head now ;) 1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one? No, you are suppose to learn from it.2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas? It is the main point, in my opinion. 3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? We put "no gifts please" on our invites. It is not right to even mention gifts according to the books and (rightly) most posters, but I wanted people to know upfront. 4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out: No thank you note for a gift. I could even live with a late one. I could even live with an e-mailed one. NO note just seems nearly unbelievably rude to me. Remind me to forget those bride's birthdays! Some otherwise educated and polite people are doing this now, and I just do not get it!
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

nda_roxybabe · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_polldiscussion-rudenesseffrontery-knot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5d8c74e1-57ec-4645-a619-e9a05a6f6a25Post:22a0f405-4fd4-4df2-bade-a5b887bc2b9d">Re: Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot</a>:
[QUOTE]Does telling someone they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to someone? I hate the words RUDE, SELFISH, KLASSY, and often, but not always, IMMATURE. I think they end conversation and are counterproductive. That doesn’t make one a bitch, but we often battle knowing there will be no agreement or compromise between the discussing parties.
Posted by alclover[/QUOTE]
Uh, so what about when the OP is being selfish and rude? What are we supposed to say? Hmm...I guess I could start using "egocentric" and "bad mannered"...

aprovencher21 · April 2010

1) Does telling some one they are doing something rude on here = being a bitch to some one?

No....people just get upset when other's don't constantly validate their poor and rude choices. I feel it is rude and/or bitchy if I was to lie and tell these people that their ideas were ok. I hate dishonesty and I'll tell you the truth no matter if it hurts or not. I do think that occasionally there are people who go overboard or groups who gang up on someone.....I don't think this happens often but it has occurred while I've been on boards.

2) Is this or is this not part of the point of consulting other brides on wedding ideas?
Yes I think the point of consulting is to get honest advice and thoughts....

3) Is there anything you were told was rude you decided not to do? Or, are you still doing it? Not yet.....

4) Name one thing, if any, you consider so rude it makes you want to tear your eyeballs out:
Secret weddings, honeymoon/house/cash registries, tiered weddings, dollar dances, dollar dashes, cash bars, potluck weddings.....I could go on and on...

Poll/Discussion - Rudeness/Effrontery and The Knot

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