Wedding Etiquette Forum

Please help.

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Re: Please help.

  • Well with all things said, I think it would be a good idea to get your feelings out on the table with FI's family and suggest that they all talk to FSIL about her choice of date. I hate that you've got such a shitty situation, but if FSIL really doesn't care about her family THAT much...then she's gonna do whatever the eff she wants to do.
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  • i'd send my save-the-dates out now!
    maybe once she realizes your not changing yours she will re-think it.
  • Sounds more like she has a personality disorder.  There aren't meds for that, she needs therapy.

    Again, sorry that you're dealing with this.  But no more tears!  Keep a smile on your face, don't let her see your pain/anger, and keep on working on your own plans.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:3c52f599-47f0-4866-8bc0-a1e6a74f316f">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help. : She sounds like a spoiled little bitch that needs to be medicated. If I were her parent, I wouldn't stand for that garbage at all. So I guess if she won't listen to reason, I would just keep on going about your business and planning like you normally would. Get your STDs out as soon as you can. People already know about your wedding and know that you planned your date first. I guarantee you that she is going to come off looking like the asshole here to friends and family.
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto about the STD's.  I would be ordering them tomorrow with rush shipping and getting them in the mail ASAP.  Or at this point just doing E-STD's so you can ensure you beat her getting them out.  I don't even care that it's 11 months away.</div>
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  • I'm completely with Beach. What a brat.
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  • This may be a long shot, but have you at least asked your vendors about moving the date?  Since you are just moving the date and not cancelling, maybe they will work with you... especially hearing this story!! 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:83034e65-2a1c-4b50-9541-7be5f6cff888">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]i'd send my save-the-dates out now! maybe once she realizes your not changing yours she will re-think it.
    Posted by kwilc22[/QUOTE]

    One can only hope. Just don't let her bully you into re-arranging your plans. You started planning first and you shouldn't feel forced to change your date just because she is being so awful and unreasonable.
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  • Yeah she's pretty much a douchecanoe. I feel like your future in laws need to just buck up and tell her they already committed to your rehearsal dinner and if she chooses that date they won't be able to attend.

    I agree with Salt that she'll come of looking bad in the whole situation. It doesn't really help though if it means your in laws have to miss your RD.

    Seriously I do NOT like this girl.
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    [QUOTE]This may be a long shot, but have you at least asked your vendors about moving the date?  Since you are just moving the date and not cancelling, maybe they will work with you... especially hearing this story!! 
    Posted by risti97[/QUOTE]

    To be honest, I'd be willing to do this if there were extenuating circumstances (a deployment, for instance) but this woman is being positively insane, and I don't think this is aniston's problem. Her in-laws are already booked for their rehearsal dinner as well - this seems like some sort of weird power play by the sister if she already knew that. But maybe I'm just pessimistic.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:7ac1e14a-c277-4d4a-9dc3-03b5527638a5">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]This may be a long shot, but have you at least asked your vendors about moving the date?  Since you are just moving the date and not cancelling, maybe they will work with you... especially hearing this story!! 
    Posted by risti97[/QUOTE]

    HA! Very true...if you tell them this story (and make sure to mention that all the Knot ladies agree with you.....JK) then they <em>might</em> work something out with you, even if you have to pay a small price to reschedule it. Which by the way , I would reschedule for a date that's BEFORE hers....just sayin'.
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  • I wouldn't even talk to the vendors. Allowing her to get what she wants and push everyone around that way is just going to reward her bad behavior.
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  • Well, if all the awesome suggestions from pp's don't work then it might be time to go to Plan B and get all James Bond on her ass.

    1) Keep all of the rest of your plans very close to the chest but don't make it obvious just act like you're indecisive and still thinking about things.  She has already shown a propensity for stalking every detail of your wedding.  You sure don't want to feel like Dejavu is happening when you hear about or see what she is planning.  At the same time play act like you have had time to think and decided that it is going to be great to have so much happiness two days in a row and that you are SOOOO happy for her.  That way you can stay in the loop on what she's doing.  Remember, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

    2) Turn lemons into lemonade and plan the most kick ass wedding you possibly can so she ends up green with envy.Cool

    3) Oh!  And never, ever let them see you sweat.  Smile and don't give her the satisfaction and glee of thinking she has the power to make you upset.  Keep her wondering why you seem to be calm, cool and collected until you surprise everyone with the wedding to remember.

    Look at it this way.  If yours is the day after then make sure everyone who attends your wedding feels like they saved the best for last!
  • As sad as it sounds, I hope she can't find a venue for her date. And if she does, good for her. I guess FIL's will have have to choose our RD or her wedding.

    I'm so glad I'm not crazy for being upset. It seems so stupid. I know "you only get one day". But at the same time, I'd like to have our family at the RD. Especially my FILs since they are paying and all.

  • edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:9635bfdb-4ecd-4396-8ad5-5b9343299149">Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let me start by saying I'm not new to TK. I've always just lurked without an account. I had never found the need to post before, until now. We've set our date for November 19th, 2011. We're getting married three hours away from our home. We have not picked our BP yet, but pretty much know who we want. We had planned on asking right after the holidays. Everyone knows the date though, it's been set for at least 4-5 months. Well FSIL has recently got engaged. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her. She's been dating her FI for 7 years now, we knew it was coming. But, at Thanksgiving she announced she is getting married on November 18th, 2011. I've actually cried over this. We'll have basically the same guest list on FI's side. And most of them will have to travel to both weddings. At first I thought, hey, we'll just move our wedding. But we've already put down 3 deposits and can't get any of them back. FSIL on the other hand has not done any planning. She's already ordered save the dates though. She plans on sending them out before Christmas. We've tried talking to her about changing her date but she refuses. We'll loose almost $1500 if we change. And this is not an option. We can't afford to loose that money. But we don't people to have to choose which wedding they attend.
    Posted by aniston88[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I haven't read any responses, so I'm not sure if people are in agreement with me. </div><div>I live by the "you get a day rule" but in your situation, I wouldn't take it literally. That's hurtful she's getting married a DAY before you. </div><div>
    </div><div>Try and talk to her about it. If she's still a bitch, just realize that people will see right through her behavior, and your wedding will still be wonderful, regardless of who else is getting married when. I have a FSIL from hell - I don't need to tell family that however, because people are well aware. The same goes for you - be graceful, wonderful and a lovely bride, and people will admire you, and pity her. </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, FWIW, are you SURE you will lose money if you change dates? I don't think you will. It's standard in a contract that if all else remains the same, except the date, you won't lose any money (granted that the date is available).</div><div>
    </div><div>Hugs and please don't stress over this anymore. It's out of your hands. Just concentrate on enjoying this wonderful time in your life and planning your wedding!
    </div>
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  • 1.  Yup.  Totally shitty thing to do, totally shitty for her not to be willing to talk about it, etc.

    2.  FI's parents can talk to the RD venue, and change the Friday night dinner to a Saturday lunch.  That way, everyone can do FSIL's wedding on Fri night, then the WP can come over to your location 3 hours away for a nice lunch at 1:00 on Saturday, followed by getting ready, then your ceremony, then the dinner/dance.
  • She's definately planning one day before ours. She's posted it all over FB. When she announced it she said "Hey, we're getting married right before you. We've chose 18th, that's the Friday before you, right?".
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:e0914715-1e34-4b32-85b3-6a64c8030823">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]As sad as it sounds, I hope she can't find a venue for her date. And if she does, good for her. I guess FIL's will have have to choose our RD or her wedding. I'm so glad I'm not crazy for being upset. It seems so stupid. I know "you only get one day". But at the same time, I'd like to have our family at the RD. Especially my FILs since they are paying and all.
    Posted by aniston88[/QUOTE]

    <div>I hope your FILs stick up for you and choose your RD.  Perhaps that will be the final step to getting FSIL realize how nuts she's being.  Would she really want to get married without her parents there?  If the answer is "yes" then I think it really does show that she has some issues.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:0900d078-bad9-41ff-a246-0443e88a80b1">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Please help. : I haven't read any responses, so I'm not sure if people are in agreement with me.  I live by the "you get a day rule" but in your situation, I wouldn't take it literally. That's hurtful she's getting married a DAY before you.  Try and talk to her about it. If she's still a bitch, just realize that people will see right through her behavior, and your wedding will still be wonderful, regardless of who else is getting married when. I have a FSIL from hell - I don't need to tell family that however, because people are well aware. The same goes for you - be graceful, wonderful and a lovely bride, and people will admire you, and pity her.  Also, FWIW, are you SURE you will lose money if you change dates? I don't think you will. It's standard in a contract that if all else remains the same, except the date, you won't lose any money (granted that the date is available). Hugs and please don't stress over this anymore. It's out of your hands. Just concentrate on enjoying this wonderful time in your life and planning your wedding!
    Posted by stellaella[/QUOTE]

    We won't be able to get our venue again until June of 2012 unless someone cancels. And our photographer, we'll lose everything as he's "already turned potential clients down". Our caterer will work with us, as long as he's open.
  • I agree ith all the PPs.

    The only reason I could think this would be acceptable is if your FI has a lot (as in majority of the guest list) that is flying into NC for your wedding.  Then I can see it kind of making sense.  But she still should have asked you first.

    My SIL got married three days after us becuase of all the OOT guests that crossed both lists.  It was just easier for everyone, but the thing is she ASKED if we minded.  Of course I said yes, it meant she got to plan her wedding instead of helping me plan mine ;-)
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  • aniston, with your update, definitely don't move your date. Yours was set long before she announced hers. I just hope your in laws think this is as BSC as we do and she shapes up when she realizes her parents won't bail on their son's rehearsal dinner for her shenanigans. And I second the suggestion that you not tell her a anything about your wedding.

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  • I don't want a family fall out over this. It's just a wedding. Nothing worth loosing friends and family over. Hell, we could elope and I'd be just as happy. Like you all say, no one is going to care about my wedding as much as I do. If she got married the weekend before us, no big deal. But the day of our RD that HER parents are paying for? Whatever, I'm tired of thinking about this. Maybe she'll change her mind, right?

    Thanks for all the advice. You ladies are amazing.
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    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help. : We won't be able to get our venue again until June of 2012 unless someone cancels. And our photographer, we'll lose everything as he's "already turned potential clients down". Our caterer will work with us, as long as he's open.
    Posted by aniston88[/QUOTE]

    <div>Oh honey, that sucks. But seriously, don't let it get you down.  People like your FSIL just love to try and get a rise and reaction from people. Don't give her one. Sit back and watch her make herself look like a douche.  </div><div>Please don't worry about this anymore and just continue doing your planning without thinking about her. </div><div>
    </div><div>Hugs</div>
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    [QUOTE]I don't want a family fall out over this. It's just a wedding. Nothing worth loosing friends and family over. Hell, we could elope and I'd be just as happy. Like you all say, no one is going to care about my wedding as much as I do. If she got married the weekend before us, no big deal. But the day of our RD that HER parents are paying for? Whatever, I'm tired of thinking about this. Maybe she'll change her mind, right? Thanks for all the advice. You ladies are amazing.
    Posted by aniston88[/QUOTE]

    <div>Come back and let us know how it all works out.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:1eaf2fb7-f1a4-4841-88cc-eb7d2b0724f1">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not like a 3 hour drive is that big of a deal....Honestly, I'm not trying to be mean, but people leave her reception, go to the hotel, sleep it off, drive 3 hours the next day to yours (which i'm making an assumption that you're planning to have it in the afternoon). FI and I live 3 hours away from each other and its not that bad of a trip. If people truly love you, they will make the trip. Its really NBD.
    Posted by hunterjumper321[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>It would be a pretty big deal to me to have to drop everything, drive 3 hours to a wedding, then drive 3 hours back the night before my own wedding. I wanted to be in bed by 11 on my wedding night, at the hotel, so I could wake up, have breakfast, and start hair and makeup. OH and that was after the RD for my OWN wedding.</div>
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    [QUOTE]They've talked to her about it and she blows up. She always comes back to, "Is HIS wedding more important than mine? Don't I get a say in the day I get married?"
    Posted by aniston88[/QUOTE]

    <div>If I were her mother, I wouldn't cave to her tantrum. I'm assuming she's an adult. The response would be, "Well, that's great, but I've already made plans for that weekend, so I won't be able to attend your wedding."</div>
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  • so my cousins had a similar situation last year but the date wasnt so close.  It was 2 months apart and my female cousins had gotten engaged first, but her brother set his date 2 months before hers.  She was so upset because she had planned her wedding first and wanted it to be before his.  But we offered this advice...since hers would be the last wedding, it would be the one people remembered and talked about.  So let her soak up her day but yours will be the last one everyone remembers.

    That is a really terrible thing to do to someone though.  Wont your rehearsal dinner have to be the night of her wedding?  I really hope you guys can work this out because that is just beyond rude!
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  • I think this is really crappy of her. It sucks you're in this situation. Honestly, it sounds like she is doing it out of spite (for whatever reason). IMO, she wants to make you miserable by doing this and hopes you will change your date/it will ruin your day. I think the best way to handle it is to NOT change the date OR let it ruin your day. That takes all the fun out of it for her, and who knows, she may end up changing after she sees her little "plan" isn't working.

    Either way, if guests care about you and esp. if they already know you had that date picked out first, she will look badly, not you, and they will still come, inconvenient or not. Hope it works out!


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  • I don't have any more to add, but I'm so angry for you.  This would absolutely make me upset, and you should not be the one to change your plans because she's trying to one up you.  Your fILs need to have a come to Jesus talk with your FSIL.  On a side note, are they paying for her wedding, or part of it?  They could always refuse to make deposits for that particular date, since they are also against this BSCraziness. 

    Come back and let us know what happens.  I hope she ends up having to pick another date.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-16?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01b7e7e4-742f-48a9-a497-5ea334b73f1dPost:13c0ab50-2920-42ce-b142-59e7e559ed74">Re: Please help.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't want a family fall out over this. It's just a wedding. Nothing worth loosing friends and family over. Hell, we could elope and I'd be just as happy. Like you all say, no one is going to care about my wedding as much as I do. If she got married the weekend before us, no big deal. But the day of our RD that HER parents are paying for? Whatever, I'm tired of thinking about this. Maybe she'll change her mind, right? Thanks for all the advice. You ladies are amazing.
    Posted by aniston88[/QUOTE]

    Your outlook and attitude are just awesome.  But I feel so bad that you're getting yanked around like this.  So many brides come on here moaning and wailing about how their friend/FSIL/cousin is getting married two months away from them, and it's just ridiculous.  But twenty-four hours?  That's just hurtful.  Does she not have any consideration for her future family's wishes at all?  Clearly not.

    In any case, if there's a family rift here, it's not going to be because of you.  You've done nothing wrong, she sounds like a headcase, and (I never say this), but I feel sorry for her future husband, since this is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
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  • I'm surprised by the first few responses that said this was okay.  I don't see what logic could possibly be behind it.  If she was having it the day after, I might be more understanding, but it really seems like it's a slap in the face to you too. 

    And some people dabbled on the financial aspect, but assuming her parents ARE paying, I think it's rude of her to expect them to cough up cash for her wedding around the same time they're paying for the RD (and whatever else they might be paying for.)  

    I'm mostly curious as to what the FILs think.  You've mentioned how FI feels, but what are the parents thinking?
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