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Moms and Maids
snooks721
member
Matron of Honor Vent! (long)
OK so my Matron of Honor is FI's sister. Initially when I got engaged, I wasn't planning on having a Maid of Honor or Matron of Honor because I couldn't choose between my 4 best friends and FI's sister had just moved a couple states away. So I decided I didn't want to have a MOH even though I had told FI's sister YEARS ago that when I got married she would be it. Well, she remembered that when I asked her to be a Bridesmaid. She was like "I thought I was going to be your MOH" and cried to me about it and I told her I wasn't planning on having one because she lived 7 hours away and how was she going to plan everything and help from a couple states away? I thought I was giving her a break! Anyways, I ended up agreeing to have her as my Maid Of Honor as long as the rest of my BM's were fine with it and helping out in her absense. OK now let's fast forward 6 months. FI's sister has not ONCE asked me how wedding planning is going. She never brings up our wedding, never asks if I need help with anything and just clearly doesn't care. I'm fed up because my other BM's have really stepped up to the plate, one in particular. My one BM has been my best friend since I was 10. We have never once gotten into a fight in our 15 years of friendship. The girl does not have a mean bone in her body and has been helping me out so much. She is the one who brought up planning my shower and is always asking me what I need help with, what's next on the checklist, what can she do for me, etc. Then I realized that FI's sister will be married before me so technically I will have to call her my Matron of Honor. I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to promote my BM to Maid of Honor since she has pretty much been taking over the responsibility anyways. So that went fine. My Maid of Honor has been planning my shower, sending e-mails to the other BM's including FI's sister and they have been planning the shower as a surprise. I don't know any details, when it is, the theme, where, etc. So about two months ago FI's sister calls me (she never calls me first) and brought up the fact that she didn't know she had to "chip in" for the shower. She was like "It's not that I'm not going to but... I've stood up in 3 weddings and I never had to chip in for a shower". I was pissed. She NEVER asks me about the wedding and the one time she does is to complain about chipping in for my shower? I told her that she was very lucky to have been in weddings where she didn't have to chip in but according to etiquette, it's HER responsibility to host the shower. I know that now it's very common for the bride's family to throw the shower and pay but... my parents are paying for my entire wedding. They are not millionaires and are killing themselves working overtime to save money for the wedding. I would never expect them to pay for the shower TOO and neither would my friends. Anyways I proceeded to tell FI's sister that the reason why I didn't stand up in my one friend's wedding was because I couldn't afford it. I could have afforded the dress but then you might have to get in altered, shoes, makeup, hair, would be expected to chip in for the shower, bachelorette party, etc. Kind of hinting that if she can't afford to chip in, then why did she cry to me to be my MOH? Forgot to mention that she had also said to me "If your shower isn't the first week in April then I can't come. That's when the kids have Spring Break. If it's not that week then I can't come, I'm not pulling the kids out of school." OK number 1, who said anything about you coming up with the kids? Number 2, sorry I forgot that this wedding revolves around you and your schedule! Grrr! So while we were on this phone call she also says to me "I think we all need to keep in mind that I have 3 kids and a household to maintain." OK sorry your fiance is a police office and probably makes close to 6 figures a year and you can be a stay-at-home mom. I HATE when she plays the money card with me because they always have the newest cell phones, just bought a 72" screen TV, bought a boat over the summer, buy her parents new cell phones so they can play "WordFeud" together. UGH! So I kind of ended the phone call saying "Sorry, but you'll have to talk to my bridesmaids about this because they're the ones planning it. I'm not involved." I was so angry that she brought me into it. I had no idea what was going on with planning and I like it that way. That way if there's drama (which there obviously is) I'm not apart of it. So anyways it was just Christmas and she bought her parents an iPad for Christmas. An IPAD! Isn't an iPad at least $500? What happened to you having 3 kids and a household to maintain? I'm not saying that she can't buy her parents an iPad because that is a VERY nice gift but then don't play the money card with me! You can't save $50 to chip in for my shower, but you can buy a $500 iPad. Then the icing on the cake is that her and her FI booked a trip to Vegas the day after our wedding. Of course she said to me "the day after we come back from Buffalo" not mentioning the wedding at all! She never acknowledges the wedding. She never asks me about planning and since that phone conversation with her I really haven't talked to her because I'm so angry. I'm hurt that I'm not important enough to her that she could stop thinking about herself for one minute and think about me. Her ONLY friend. The only person that she can vent to and I always listen. She never asks me about myself... ever. Never asks about work, how me and FI are, how house hunting is going, etc. So, getting to the bottom line... I'm kind of debating who I want standing next to me at the ceremony. I told FI's sister that she would be next to me, but now I feel like she doesn't deserve that honor. She hasn't done ANYTHING for me. My Maid of Honor is the one doing all the work and she is the one who really deserves it. I would really want to have her be the one standing next to me but... FI's sister is the kind of person who will hold a grudge till the day she dies. If I told her I was going to have Maid of Honor switch with her she would be pissed. She probably wouldn't talk to me and I just worry about drama the day of the wedding. I don't want any drama with the family because it's not like she's a friend... it's my FI's sister, my FSIL. She will always be in our lives. I don't know what to do. I know it's my wedding and I should do what I want but I don't want DRAMA. I don't want anything ruining my day. Does anyone have any advice for me? Thanks for reading this if you did!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Matron of Honor Vent! (long)
[QUOTE]OK so my Matron of Honor is FI's sister. Initially when I got engaged, I wasn't planning on having a Maid of Honor or Matron of Honor because I couldn't choose between my 4 best friends and FI's sister had just moved a couple states away. So I decided I didn't want to have a MOH even though I had told FI's sister YEARS ago that when I got married she would be it. Well, she remembered that when I asked her to be a Bridesmaid. She was like "I thought I was going to be your MOH" and cried to me about it and I told her I wasn't planning on having one because she lived 7 hours away and how was she going to plan everything and help from a couple states away? I thought I was giving her a break! Anyways, I ended up agreeing to have her as my Maid Of Honor as long as the rest of my BM's were fine with it and helping out in her absense. OK now let's fast forward 6 months. FI's sister has not ONCE asked me how wedding planning is going. She never brings up our wedding, never asks if I need help with anything and just clearly doesn't care. I'm fed up because my other BM's have really stepped up to the plate, one in particular. My one BM has been my best friend since I was 10. We have never once gotten into a fight in our 15 years of friendship. The girl does not have a mean bone in her body and has been helping me out so much. She is the one who brought up planning my shower and is always asking me what I need help with, what's next on the checklist, what can she do for me, etc. Then I realized that FI's sister will be married before me so technically I will have to call her my Matron of Honor. I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to promote my BM to Maid of Honor since she has pretty much been taking over the responsibility anyways. So that went fine. My Maid of Honor has been planning my shower, sending e-mails to the other BM's including FI's sister and they have been planning the shower as a surprise. I don't know any details, when it is, the theme, where, etc. So about two months ago FI's sister calls me (she never calls me first) and brought up the fact that she didn't know she had to "chip in" for the shower. She was like "It's not that I'm not going to but... I've stood up in 3 weddings and I never had to chip in for a shower". I was pissed. She NEVER asks me about the wedding and the one time she does is to complain about chipping in for my shower?<strong> I told her that she was very lucky to have been in weddings where she didn't have to chip in but according to etiquette, it's HER responsibility to host the shower. </strong>I know that now it's very common for the bride's family to throw the shower and pay but... <span style="font-weight:bold;">my parents are paying for my entire wedding. They are not millionaires and are killing themselves working overtime to save money for the wedding. I would never expect them to pay for the shower TOO and neither would my friends.</span> Anyways I proceeded to tell FI's sister that the reason why I didn't stand up in my one friend's wedding was because I couldn't afford it. I could have afforded the dress but then you might have to get in altered, shoes, makeup, hair, would be expected to chip in for the shower, bachelorette party, etc. Kind of hinting that if she can't afford to chip in, then why did she cry to me to be my MOH? Forgot to mention that she had also said to me "If your shower isn't the first week in April then I can't come. That's when the kids have Spring Break. If it's not that week then I can't come, I'm not pulling the kids out of school." OK number 1, who said anything about you coming up with the kids? Number 2, sorry I forgot that this wedding revolves around you and your schedule! Grrr! So while we were on this phone call she also says to me "I think we all need to keep in mind that I have 3 kids and a household to maintain." OK sorry your fiance is a police office and probably makes close to 6 figures a year and you can be a stay-at-home mom. I HATE when she plays the money card with me because they always have the newest cell phones, just bought a 72" screen TV, bought a boat over the summer, buy her parents new cell phones so they can play "WordFeud" together. UGH! So I kind of ended the phone call saying "Sorry, but you'll have to talk to my bridesmaids about this because they're the ones planning it. I'm not involved." I was so angry that she brought me into it. I had no idea what was going on with planning and I like it that way. That way if there's drama (which there obviously is) I'm not apart of it. So anyways it was just Christmas and she bought her parents an iPad for Christmas. An IPAD! Isn't an iPad at least $500? What happened to you having 3 kids and a household to maintain? I'm not saying that she can't buy her parents an iPad because that is a VERY nice gift but then don't play the money card with me! You can't save $50 to chip in for my shower, but you can buy a $500 iPad. Then the icing on the cake is that her and her FI booked a trip to Vegas the day after our wedding. Of course she said to me "the day after we come back from Buffalo" not mentioning the wedding at all! She never acknowledges the wedding. She never asks me about planning and since that phone conversation with her I really haven't talked to her because I'm so angry. I'm hurt that I'm not important enough to her that she could stop thinking about herself for one minute and think about me. Her ONLY friend. The only person that she can vent to and I always listen. She never asks me about myself... ever. Never asks about work, how me and FI are, how house hunting is going, etc. So, getting to the bottom line... I'm kind of debating who I want standing next to me at the ceremony. I told FI's sister that she would be next to me, but now I feel like she doesn't deserve that honor. She hasn't done ANYTHING for me. My Maid of Honor is the one doing all the work and she is the one who really deserves it. I would really want to have her be the one standing next to me but... FI's sister is the kind of person who will hold a grudge till the day she dies. If I told her I was going to have Maid of Honor switch with her she would be pissed. She probably wouldn't talk to me and I just worry about drama the day of the wedding. I don't want any drama with the family because it's not like she's a friend... it's my FI's sister, my FSIL. She will always be in our lives. I don't know what to do. I know it's my wedding and I should do what I want but I don't want DRAMA. I don't want anything ruining my day. Does anyone have any advice for me? Thanks for reading this if you did!
Posted by snooks721[/QUOTE]
Snooks- You should prepare yourself, because I don't think you are going to like the responses you will get.
1. Once you choose your wedding party, it's a done deal. Firing and demoting wp members is a huge etiquette faux pas. It will damage your relationship with your FSIL ( the woman that you will share holiday meals with for the rest of your life) and will make you look like a bridezilla. Not a very nice way to join a family.
2.Your wedding party does not owe you a shower. It is not part of the MOH/BM duties to throw you parties. Their only responsibilities are to buy the dresses that you have chosen and show up sober and on time for your wedding. MOH/BM are chosen based on your feelings for them, rather than what they can do for you.
Your new MOH friend was wrong to tell your MOH that she owed her for the shower. She should have called each wp member and <strong>ASKED</strong> them <strong>IF</strong> and how much each individual was willing and able to contribute. Anyone who contributes should have a say in the planning.
3. You FSIL may do whatever she likes with her own money. She doens't have to justify her expenses to you. It's her money. She can burn it in the fireplace and tell you she's broke if that's what she wants to do. But you don't get to judge.
4. If you and fi can't plan the wedding without help, you're doing it wrong. Scale back or hire a wedding planner. It's okay to accept help from volunteers, but no one should be expected to help you.
5.Your parents should not have to 'kill themselves working overtime' to pay for your wedding. You should be planning a wedding that is affordable.
Good luck with your planning.
1. It makes sense that you're upset that she brought the money issue up to you and you did the right thing by redirecting her back to the planner.
2. She's probably still ticked that she was demoted in the wedding party, so expect that her participation in the wedding will be less than willing. It might be also laced with contempt, a litte resentment and a whole lot of attitude. At this point, you can't do anything about it short of firing her which might make things worse - or it could be worth it...only you will know.
3. Finally, just try to ride this thing out. I know I come here because it's a safe place to rant and rave about the sh*t I can't rant and rave about to my friends and family for fear they will think I have lost my cookies. It's ok; don't worry. The wedding will come and go but the relationship with your FSIL will go beyond that. See what you can do to salvage some of your relationship. It's not fun not being on good terms with the hubby's family.
1. It is not my intention at all to "demote" her, I was only going to have her switch places during the ceremony with my Maid of Honor. I just think my Maid of Honor deserves it because she is the one doing all the work. FSIL hasn't done one thing.
2. I definitely do NOT think that every conversation I have with my friend's should revolve around the wedding. I didn't mean that. I talk to my friend's about their lives and I am not by ANY means a bridezilla. It may have come off that way in my post but I didn't mean to sound "selfish". I just kind of exploded in this post because I have been holding everything in. Everytime I talk to FSIL I ALWAYS am asking about her life. How are the kids doing in school, how is her FI, how are their friends down there. That's my whole point. We only talk about her life. She never asks me questions back. The conversations we have ONLY revolve around her. My point is that it hurts me that she never brings it up. I feel like she doesn't care that we're getting married. I feel like she doesn't care about me period. The only thing she cares about is that I have ears to listen to her talk about herself. I am a VERY good friend to her but that friendship is not reciprocated.
3. I agree that she can do whatever she wants with her money but it bothers me that she told me she doesn't have the money to chip in for the shower, when she clearly does. I just don't like being lied to. I did not EXPECT my bridesmaids to offer to throw the shower. They took it upon themselves. I know that they don't "owe" me anything but they love me and want me to have a nice shower. I never brought it up to them. I guess my Maid of Honor just sent around an e-mail saying that they should discuss a budget. It caught my FSIL off guard and she called me about it. I don't think that was right. She should have said something to them, not me.
4. My parents refuse to let FI and I help pay for the wedding. Everything we have planned for our wedding is in their budget. I feel terrible that they are working extra shifts and overtime but they want to. They want to give us a nice wedding. We are not calling the shots, we run everything by my parent's first for approval.
Bottom line, I can see how I may have been interpreted to be a "bitch". It's hard to explain everything because no one knows the full story, history, etc. I was the kind of person to always put others before myself, especially FSIL. Now I have just come to the realization that she will never do for me, what I would do for her. Like I said, she is planning on getting married next month. Nothing crazy, but I am always texting her/e-mailing her to see if she needs help with anything. What can I do for her, etc. I don't get that back. It's just hurtful because I am realizing the kind of person she is. Like I said, I am not a bitch I am just very frustrated because I feel bad that my BM's have to deal with her and her selfish ways and I feel like she has no interest in my life.
I didn't make paragraph's because I was on a roll and in a rush and I didn't want to worry about it. Haha sorry if that bothers anyone.
Also, I don't think anyone can force their money on you. You're making an active choice to take your parents' money and that's fine, but it sounds like you're not accepting some responsibility in this matter.
If you don't feel like you're anything to her, why did you initially want her as your MOH? It sounds like your relationship soured after she moved away and you wanted someone else to take that position. Again, fine, but be honest about it.
This is not a bunch of other people's fault. This is your wedding - you get to say who is involved and how; people cannot force themselves on you nor you on them. If your other 4 BMs want to contribute, fine, why is it so important that FSIL contribute as well?
Please consider the havoc you're digging yourself into with this; it's a touch silly that this person's actions and activities are making you so upset. I'm still willing to bet she's mad that you demoted her - and so we're all clear about this - you demoted her. Intentionally or not - you demoted her.
If you want good advice, listen to Miss Manners or Emily Post. They will tell you that etiquette is all about making people feel comfortable and valued. They will not give you a list of duties for your dearest friends and relatives. It's just good common sense.
You mentioned in your follow up post that your FSIL is getting married next month. Maybe she has taken the advice of wedding magazines, too, and is under the mistaken impression that all attention should be focused on her, The Bride,right now. If that's the case, she might come around after her wedding and show a little more interest in your life. If not, you still have your wonderful fi and the friends that actually are interested in you, right?
This is what gave the readers the impression that she was demoted; this is the reason why the general impression is that she is so resentful.
I think I missed the part where she was getting married too until just now; do you have a role in her wedding?
Spend time and attention on the friends that love you. If they do nice things for you, be pleasantly surprised and very appreciative.
Her and her fiance are getting married by the Justice of the Peace. It will only be immediate family attending. She said afterwards they are planning on just having a "brunch". So they're not having a "traditional" wedding She's not having bridesmaids or anything like that. But, I want her to have a nice day so I offered to look into restaurants in her area, check out prices, help with anything she needs. She said "thank you" but that was it. She told me that the only reason she wants to get married is so her and her daughter can be on his health insurance. She has a daughter from her previous relationship and he has two kids from his previous marriage. Since she is not working she needs health insurance so that's her reasoning for getting married.
It is what it is! Enjoy your day and have fun with your planning; it sounds like you have a great bridal team behind you so don't worry too much about one wayward member.
[QUOTE]Oh yeah I can see how that was confusing. I'm going to have a Maid of Honor AND a Matron of Honor. Her and her fiance are getting married by the Justice of the Peace. It will only be immediate family attending. She said afterwards they are planning on just having a "brunch". So they're not having a "traditional" wedding She's not having bridesmaids or anything like that. But, I want her to have a nice day so I offered to look into restaurants in her area, check out prices, help with anything she needs. She said "thank you" but that was it. She told me that the only reason she wants to get married is so her and her daughter can be on his health insurance. She has a daughter from her previous relationship and he has two kids from his previous marriage.<strong> Since she is not working</strong> she needs health insurance so that's her reasoning for getting married.
Posted by snooks721[/QUOTE]
You sound very judgemental over FSIL's reasons for getting married and her choice for <em>how</em> to go about it.
That said, you said she's "lied to you" about not being able to afford things when you "know" that she can. How exactly do you KNOW that she can afford things when she is not working and has children that she needs to support? Nevermind that she doesn't <em>need </em>to justify how she spends <strong>her</strong> money, but I'm honestly curious where all this money she is supposedly trying to hide from you is supposedly coming from.
Seriously OP... get over yourself. You may not think you're stepping into bridezilla territory, but you've beyond crossed that line.
[QUOTE]You're not getting it. She doesn't have to do anything. She doesn't have to show interest. She doesn't need to give you parties or her time, or spend her money (except on a dress). MOH is position of HONOUR, for the person that is closest to you. Not a job with a required list of duties. You're in a snit because this girl isn't doing enough for you. She's going to be part of your family. I'd suggest cut her some slack. It doesn't MATTER what she does with her money. You have no, zero, right to judge that.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>OP has replied and said that she's upset because FSIL isn't interested in ANY aspect of her life. FSIL doesn't have to give her any time, that is true, but I'd be upset if I called one of my bridesmaids just to chat, she went on and on about herself, and then didn't ask me how I'm doing or what I've been up to. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, I think you came off a little strong at first, but I understand where you're coming from. You're frustrated that FSIL isn't there for you as a bride, but more so than that, she isn't there for you <u>as a person</u>. That makes sense. Others have told you what her responsibilities are (or rather, aren't) as a MOH, so I'm not going to rehash that. I will tell you that next time she calls, tell her how you're feeling. Leave out all the bridal stuff, but tell her that you're upset and why. Don't be accusational; maybe she's just being completely oblivious unintentionally. Best of luck, you definitely don't want to enter your marriage already fighting with your in-laws.
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Nov '12 September Siggy - Bridesmaids!
I'll go ahead and say that I only read through a few, very long posts. But my question is this: why would anyone else ever be expected to spend their money on you? You can come up with a lot of bullshit reasons, like that you had spent money on being in their wedding, so on and so forth, but fact of the matter is no one is ever required, nor should be expected, to dish out some of their hard earned cash because you want them to or because of the occasion. If she wants to shower others with lavish gifts, that's fine. But that does not entitle you to the same, and you have no right to expect the same, no matter how you justify it in your head.
If you're complaining about your SIL in general, that I can sympathize with. I really can. But this is not as bad as you're making it out to be.
[QUOTE]I just feel like she hasn't been a very good friend to me over the last couple years. Like I said, I got myself into this mess. <strong>I guess my question is, can I change my mind? I</strong> don't want to have her standing next to me. I want my other friend standing next to me. I never had it written in stone but I did tell her she would be first in line. But now, I would prefer to have my other friend who is my Maid of Honor stand next to me. I don't want any drama but I also think I have a right to decide. I just don't know if I can go back on my word... what would you guys do?
Posted by snooks721[/QUOTE]
<div>Unfortunately, the answer is <strong>no</strong>. Once you've asked and they have accepted, they are in the BP. If she does not purchase the dress by the ordering deadline, then she removes herself from the bridal party. However, it is universally seen on TK that to ask a BM to leave the BP is <u>friendship ending</u>. If you are prepared to lose her as a friend, then certainly commit this faux pas.</div></div>