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No wanting children and getting married in Catholic Church
Ok question Ladies! I don't want kids well I'm unsure but what if I don't want kids that is what I am thinking. How will this affect me getting married in the Catholic Church? Will they ask if I want to have children and if I answer no will I not be allowed to marry?
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Re: No wanting children and getting married in Catholic Church
Here's a discussion of a relevant situation that might be interesting: http://forum.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=34363
I'd second the suggestion to read The Good News About Sex and Marriage. It does a good job of laying out and explaining the Church's stance on marriage and its purposes.
this is probably the best answer.
remember too that if you lie, your priest might buy it, but God wont. God will know what is in your heart that day.
But to answer "yes" to the question of "are you open to children and will you accept them lovingly from God" is not necessarily a lie even if you dont want children. I was very on the fence abotu kids on our wedding day, and for quite awhile after. However, i knew we planned to practice NFP so we were not artificially preventing pregnancy, and i also knew that if i did get pregnant it wouldnt be the end of the world and that it would have happened for a reason.
If you are truly against having children, simply avoiding an audible response to the priest doesn't mean you are still "in the clear". I would tell your priest that this is a topic you are struggling with. Let him guide you (also the books suggested should help). Do not be fraudulent. It hurts our faith to do so.
Remember, God knows all.
I understand not wanting to say the "wrong" thing.
You can say what the priest "wants" to hear, but if it isn't the TRUTH, your marriage isn't "valid". Yes, the Catholic Church may have a piece of paper saying you had the ceremony, but you cannot truly receive the sacrament if you do so out of deception. So, you get your piece of paper and everyone with think you are married according to the Church, but the TRUTH will be that you are not.
"My fiance is of the belief that God is in control and if I don't want to have children then it with be God's wish"
That is NOT the teaching of the Catholic Church. God asks us to be fruitful and multiply. I'm not saying that you have to have children, but if you don't want them, then you aren't eligible for a Catholic marriage, so you should really consider going through with a Catholic ceremony. No matter what the priests knows...
i personally could never marry someone that wasnt on the same page as me with regard to kids. it sounds like your FI would like one. what will happen is that you will have one for him, or he wont have one for you, and then you will both end up resentful and unhappy.
please think about this carefully. there is no shame in walking away from a marriage (before it happens) over disagreement in this area. you'll be happier in the long run finding a partner who shares the same family goals as you.
As PPs have said, you can't start off your marriage in a lie. You and your FI need to have some strong heart-to-heart conversations on this topic, because I know it can ruin a marriage. FSIL was recently granted an annulment because her ex husband lied about his committment to welcome children into their family and raise them in the church. It was a horribly painful situation for everyone involved.
I just think you would benefit from some study. And some honest conversations with a priest.
[QUOTE]Ok thanks for the info. It looks like I may have to umm not say that I do not intend on having children so that it will not cause me not to get married in the church. I just don't feel that everybody has to accept children in the matrimony of marriage. So, because I still have great regards and want to get married in the church I will opt to say nothing about itl
Posted by afrenchprincess1[/QUOTE]
Um no. You don't just lie about your intentions like that before you get married. They will ask you directly if you accept children freely (it's a part of your vows in fact). To lie would just be terrible.
ETA:
I'm sorry if any of us are coming off as "preachy", but your eternal soul is not something to mess with. You can't just get married in the Catholic Church because it's beautiful or because it's what you were brought up with. You should never get married in such a way that goes against what you believe. I'm not saying you are wrong to not want kids. I just think you are wrong to not want kids and to be getting married in a Church that firmly believes and teaches that all married people should be open to children.
Teachery Blog
Fiance and I have spoken about this and I asked him several times and he just keeps saying he will be ok. I did feel bad that I felt I was depriving him of something and that it could be a deal breaker but he said he loves me and will accept it if I don't change my mind. I believe him and don't feel we will have problems with that he is not a liar.
So, that is where I am coming from ladies not an evil place but my own place and I just don't understand how reading this book will "change" my openess to children? It may give me more guideliness on the church's teaching but I just don't see the relevance to me. But I will read it!
Your priest is trained in counseling couples for marriage and is not going to judge you. I would urge you to bring this up to him. If you are not willing to discuss this with your priest, please, please don't go forward with a Church wedding. It's dishonest and will start your marriage with a lie.
I'm sorry if this is coming across as too blunt or harsh, but I cannot stress strongly enough how much I think this is a bad idea.
[QUOTE]Ok I'm NOT getting married in the Catholic Church for frivoulous reasons like "it's pretty...my church is small and not very nice looking (so there goes that claim) or I want to do some type of show or whatever other reasons people choose. I just want to get married to the man that I love and <strong>just because I am not open to children does not mean that my marriage will is not valid</strong>! I am a Child of God and I as a child of his I believe that not eveybody was meant to have/want children. I don't understand how being open to children is a "must" requirement for all people wanting to get married. That's just ridicoulous!
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I just don't understand how reading this book will "change" my openess to children? It may give me more guideliness on the church's teaching but I just don't see the relevance to me. But I will read it!
Posted by afrenchprincess[/QUOTE]
But that's just it. According to Catholic teaching, if you are not open to children at the time of the wedding, the marriage is <strong>not valid</strong> in the canonical (the laws of the Church) sense, which is why it can be annulled. The Church teaches that the purpose of marriage is to bring children into the world, so if you're not willing to do that, you're not willing to really be married in the full sense of the word as the Church understands it. If you don't wish to accept the Church's understanding of a marriage, you shouldn't enter into one under its rules.
The Church teaches that marriage and children are intimately connected and can't be artificially separated (incidentally, this is the root of the teaching against artificial contraception, as well, but that's a different discussion!). The book we've recommended might be helpful because it discusses the Catholic understanding of marriage as a whole, and children are an intrinsic and inseparable part of that.
i think you have some interesting thoughts, etc. i think it would benefit you to talk to a priest. seriously. he can give you a much higher level of guidance on this than we can. he can help you to understand church teaching and why it is what it is.
i was on the fence big time when i got married, but was defintiely open to them. H really wanted them. as our marriage progressed, i began to really want them. in the past year we seriously discussed trying this fall. well guess what, H now is not sure he wants them. so we are back to on the fence. but the bottom line is we both went in open and trusting of god to help lead us, and our prevention has all been natural.
i will honestly tell you that i wish i hadnt entered marriage on the fence about kids. i wish id known definitively one way or another. my H and i love each other and we have a decent marriage, but with both of us going back and forth over the past 2.5 years its been somewhat of a stress.
<p class="MsoNormal">I just want you to know that the reason everyone is chiming in here is because they are trying to prevent you from harming yourself, your future husband and because they are trying to protect their faith from being intentionally misused. What matters is that you are an honest person that does the right thing. When you stand before Him on judgment day, none of us can help you. We can help you now. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">[QUOTE]Ok I'm NOT getting married in the Catholic Church for frivoulous reasons like "it's pretty...my church is small and not very nice looking (so there goes that claim) or I want to do some type of show or whatever other reasons people choose. I just want to get married to the man that I love and just because I am not open to children does not mean that my marriage will is not validPosted by afrenchprincess[/QUOTE]</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I completely understand that you aren’t using the Church for a pretty backdrop, but you have to acknowledge the doctrine. You are right that your marriage can be a “valid” civil marriage, or “valid” non-Catholic Christian marriage. But it CANNOT be a “valid” Catholic marriage if you cannot honestly say that you are accepting of children. That’s just the law of the Church. We’re not trying to ruin things for you – we’re passing along factual information. If you want to have a valid Catholic marriage, those are the rules, whether you like them or not.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">[QUOTE] I am a Child of God and I as a child of his I believe that not eveybody was meant to have/want children. I don't understand how being open to children is a "must" requirement for all people wanting to get married. That's just ridicoulousPosted by afrenchprincess[/QUOTE]</p> <p class="MsoNormal">It’s fine to believe what you believe, but that doesn’t mean that is what the Catholic Church believes. <span> </span>And it’s not okay to ignore the teaching of the Church just because it doesn’t suit you. If you can’t make the required vows for a valid Catholic marriage, then you likely shouldn’t be getting married in the Church. Think about it: When a witness is sworn-in in a courtroom, they are asked “do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,so help you God?”. They don’t ask “Do you swear to only tell the truth that suits you?”. <span> </span>If the witness is lying, they are lying. It’s called perjury. On earth, you can get away with perjury, or you can get caught and go to jail. In Catholicism, whether the people on earth know you are lying or not, God knows. And the repercussions are eternal. It’s not something you want to risk.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">[QUOTE] I said that if that happens that I guess I will have to accept it not what I want but that's what happen and hubby will be all for it and happy! I am not open to children but I will accept them I mean Geez! What else would I do? Ignore them! No! I am not that type of person! Fiance and I have spoken about this and I asked him several times and he just keeps saying he will be ok. I did feel bad that I felt I was depriving him of something and that it could be a deal breaker but he said he loves me and will accept it if I don't change my mind. I believe him and don't feel we will have problems with that he is not a liar. Posted by afrenchprincess[/QUOTE]</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Accepting children from God doesn’t mean “If I have an “accidental pregnancy” I promise not to toss the baby to the curb”. It means that you will not prevent reproduction intentionally without severe cause for doing so. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Just be careful, because this is a decision you make now, but 20-30 years from now, when it might be too late, you or your fiancé could regret the decision. Even if he thought he would be fine without children, what happens when you're 60 years old, with no family and he's sitting across the table wishing he was surrounded with his kids? It might not happen - but it's a huge risk to take. I wouldn’t be able to look at my husband in the face if I knew I prevented him from obtaining such a big dream of his.</p>
[QUOTE]Ok I'm NOT getting married in the Catholic Church for frivoulous reasons like "it's pretty...my church is small and not very nice looking (so there goes that claim) or I want to do some type of show or whatever other reasons people choose. I just want to get married to the man that I love and just because I am not open to children does not mean that my marriage will is not valid! I am a Child of God and I as a child of his I believe that not eveybody was meant to have/want children.<strong> I don't understand how being open to children is a "must" requirement for all people wanting to get married.</strong> That's just ridicoulous! I said that if that happens that I guess I will have to accept it not what I want but that's what happen and hubby will be all for it and happy! I am not open to children but I will accept them I mean Geez! What else would I do? Ignore them! No! I am not that type of person! Fiance and I have spoken about this and I asked him several times and he just keeps saying he will be ok. I did feel bad that I felt I was depriving him of something and that it could be a deal breaker but he said he loves me and will accept it if I don't change my mind. I believe him and don't feel we will have problems with that he is not a liar. So, that is where I am coming from ladies not an evil place but my own place and I just don't understand how reading this book will "change" my openess to children? It may give me more guideliness on the church's teaching but I just don't see the relevance to me. But I will read it!
Posted by afrenchprincess[/QUOTE]
if you read my post, I never once said that. I don't think any marriage is less valid than another. however, you are being incredibly deceitful by trying to lie your way into a Catholic ceremony. If you don't 100% agree with it, why do you want to get married in a Catholic ceremony anyway? Why not something else like Lutheran or something?
In the eyes of the Catholic church, your marriage is not valid if you go into it with false pretenses like that. It sounds to me like you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want to be marrie din the Catholic church and you want them to find it valid, however you don't want to abide by its teachings. That's not how it works.
Why do you want to be married in the Catholic church if you don't believe its teachings? I'm not saying you're wront to not believe it, you just are being very hypocritical right now. It's like going to a synagogue, going through all the actions, but in your heart believing Jesus is your savior.
Teachery Blog
Rather then feeling like you are lying to a priest and to God by omitting the issue, or feeling like you are lying to yourself by giving into something that may not necessarily be what you want. I would just not get married in a Catholic Church. I am sure this is not going to be the popular answer, but God dwells in other churches. Just a thought.
[QUOTE]Rather then feeling like you are lying to a priest and to God by omitting the issue, or feeling like you are lying to yourself by giving into something that may not necessarily be what you want. I would just not get married in a Catholic Church.<strong> I am sure this is not going to be the popular answer, but God dwells in other churches. Just a thought.</strong>
Posted by briannamarie87[/QUOTE]
Not as unpopular as you think :) Everyone is entitled to their beliefs.
Teachery Blog