Dealbreakers

calixtine · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:05a21869-69c7-462b-a0a4-6006c760fdb9">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : Yes. I've been with thin guys and 1) felt like a beast and 2) didn't seem as, IDK, masculine? as in able to protect me? Not that thin = wimp but I like a little meat.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

This would be a deal breaker for me as well. I could not deal with being the bigger one in a pair.

Other deal breakers would be
-doesn't want kids
-doesn't like animals
-extremely political (either left or right)
-doesn't like to go out at least occasionally

Reading others though has got me thinking about how some of dealbreakers have changed for me. When I was single, one of my dealbreakers was dating someone younger...and then I met and married H who is three years younger than me. So it makes me wonder how many of these are actually dealbreakers when you are in love or at least interested in someone who falls into one of these categories.

MyUserName1 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:dbb162bf-f1c5-4fd8-80a8-3f0fe3401a4a">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : H has really distanced himself from most of them, mainly because his mother is always around. I do have to attend a few holiday gatherings, but all he asks is that I'm reasonably civil to his family. He does not push us to be best friends, and frankly, I don't think he even wants to be best friends with them.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

I think that's fair enough.

Personally, even if I had the greatest ILs in the world, I wouldn't want to be supertight with them. I have loner tendancies.

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:088d2069-6538-45fc-8b8b-224cb836baef">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]But Arag, you don't have to get A's in a class to pass the course. You could skim the material to get by with a passing grade, and then not retain any of that information beyond the course. Just because you had to read several books for a class, doesn't always mean you're absorbing that information and walking away with an understanding of the material. Plenty of people do have knowledge of the subjects you mentioned without having a college degree.<strong> I guess I don't get how you think someone can't know about history or literature without having taken a gen ed class on those topics.
</strong>Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]

If you can point out where I said that I will absolutely apologize because I don't believe that. And I don't think I said it.

NicoleSahara · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:088d2069-6538-45fc-8b8b-224cb836baef">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]But Arag, you don't have to get A's in a class to pass the course. You could skim the material to get by with a passing grade, and then not retain any of that information beyond the course. Just because you had to read several books for a class, doesn't always mean you're absorbing that information and walking away with an understanding of the material. Plenty of people do have knowledge of the subjects you mentioned without having a college degree. I guess I don't get how you think someone can't know about history or literature without having taken a gen ed class on those topics.
Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]

I did this with a lot of classes and did get As. Honestly I really didn't become that well read until after college. But I see your point now that you've explained yourself a little more arag, and don't think you're snobby anymore.

ghowlett · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:80f5e584-1175-4241-bf7b-96a79c0418b0">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>Actually being so close to your family that you can't think or stick up for yourself is probably more of a dealbreaker for me.</strong>
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

My sister (on/off again for years) dates a guy like this & I honestly don't know how she does it. I can barely listen to the stories & keep my cool, I couldn't imagine actually having to deal with it.

amyb140 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:fd0f1d01-3d33-4c7d-a2b4-78a218d47a31">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : Those aren't opposites.
Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]
Huh? Maybe I said that wrong and I just can't figure it out?

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:242d7c3f-cebe-45be-b1cd-2c556b7fa256">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : I did this with a lot of classes and did get As. Honestly I really didn't become that well read until after college. But I see your point now that you've explained yourself a little more arag, <strong>and don't think you're snobby anymore</strong>.
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]

I'm really glad to hear that. I don't think I explained my point all that well upfront, but I'm glad what I've said since made a difference.

ErinG93 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:f61b1735-24c3-4cbe-a7c9-e36c8c27b5a5">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : Ha. I snore (sometimes), and we work opposite schedules.
Posted by Beaniebeach[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Me too. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" /> Every six-ish months we do work close to the same schedules though.

</div>

LeiselEB · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:2ab1cb13-aee9-4477-95e7-158191c4633e">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : If you can point out where I said that I will absolutely apologize because I don't believe that. And I don't think I said it.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>You didn't say that outright - I know that you said it's possible if people make an ardent effort to gain that knowledge. I guess it just came across to me like you thought it was unlikely for anyone to make that effort, KWIM? I could be reaching, that's just how I took it. </div>

specialk84 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:dcf53def-6194-4fbf-aa9f-67839dcb17b4">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]Put me down for the porn thing too. <strong>And if he had few friends. Like very few. I feel that it says something about a person if they have no friends.</strong>
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

<div>I find this kind of insulting. Some people don't have lots of friends, but they have a few good ones. </div><div>
</div><div>Many of my friends are people I've been close with since junior high or high school. Everyone scattered for college, and most of us don't live near each other. We're still friends.</div><div>
</div><div>I would love to meet more people here, but I'm a pretty shy person, and it's difficult to make friends. It's awkward at school because I'm so much older than most of the other students. It's becoming easier at church. I don't go to bars. I'm usually pretty busy. How else would I meet people?</div><div>
</div><div>Additionally, I'm actually quite fond of being alone. Not everyone wants to be surrounded by people all the time. I'm (usually) perfectly happy to attend a movie by myself, go to a restaurant by myself, or sit at home and do my crafting. I've even traveled alone. What does that say about me?</div>

dumdumfroggie · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:a2387679-e3f7-42c4-83d0-6704eaa825c6">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : Huh? Maybe I said that wrong and I just can't figure it out?
Posted by amyb140[/QUOTE]

<div>Heh. We might just be reading it differently. No worries.</div><div>
</div><div>I think you all agree that you want your SO to be bigger :)</div>

mkrupar · July 2012

I think I'm like A. Not a whole lot of deal breakers.

Don't want kids? No problem
Want kids? No problem
Larger than me? Well H is 6'5" and 260lbs. I think I'm ok with a larger man (I'm only 5'1")
Smoker? H used to. I never pressured him to quit, he just did it on his own almost 3 years ago now.
Not a lot of friends? No problem. I'll hang out with mine.

aragx6 · July 2012

I think it's important not to conflate intelligence with education. The single smartest person I knew in high school did nothing with his life after HS and now works at a Game Stop. He's still intelligent, but he's not educated.

A dear friend from college worked her ass off only to get middling grades, but she graduated. She's educated by not particularly intelligent.

Frankly speaking, my ideal mate is both. But it's uneducated that's the dealbreaker for me. And you don't necessarily have to go to a 4-year college to be educated, but I do think you have to initiate a lot more reading on your own if you don't.

musicalsunlight · July 2012

Lol at the "income" thing. Pretty sure J and I make like negative income. OOPS guess I slipped up there.

midgetthemighty · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:b9d0647b-d4d7-4eda-b383-49b247c241f7">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : This would be a deal breaker for me as well. I could not deal with being the bigger one in a pair. Other deal breakers would be -doesn't want kids -doesn't like animals -extremely political (either left or right) -doesn't like to go out at least occasionally <strong>Reading others though has got me thinking about how some of dealbreakers have changed for me. When I was single, one of my dealbreakers was dating someone younger...and then I met and married H who is three years younger than me. So it makes me wonder how many of these are actually dealbreakers when you are in love or at least interested in someone who falls into one of these categories.
</strong>Posted by calixtine[/QUOTE]

I'm a social butterfly. I always thought I couldn't be with someone who didn't like to hang out in large groups and flit around the room talking to everyone. Just about every family party, H winds up in a room by himself just sitting down watching TV or reading because he is more of an introvert. He likes talking to people but can't bounce around endlessly or talk to the same people for a long time without getting tired of it. I understand his need to get a way for a little bit in those situations now.

jemmini6 · July 2012

Actual dealbreakers:

- Opressively believing in traditional gender roles, as in 'you are not allowed to work because you are a woman'.
- Anyone who is extremely religious. I believe in God, but not religion, so I don't think I could handle someone that was very religious, too much of a fundamental difference.
- Any kind of abuse: verbal, emotional, physical. My sister dealt with that, and there's no way in hell I'd let anyone treat me that way.

'Superficial" dealbreakers:

- Not caring about their health. I'm not a health nut by any means, but general diet/exercise is important.
- Not wanting to travel. I grew up in a family that went camping every year, to the same campground, in the same campsite...and no where else. I don't want to continue vacationing that way.
- Listening to rap. I HATE rap music, and if we ever did roadtrips together, I'm not listening to that crap.

ErinG93 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:688c676d-e586-4a63-a6bd-a5660430b49d">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : I find this kind of insulting. Some people don't have lots of friends, but they have a few good ones. Many of my friends are people I've been close with since junior high or high school. Everyone scattered for college, and most of us don't live near each other. We're still friends. I would love to meet more people here, but I'm a pretty shy person, and it's difficult to make friends. It's awkward at school because I'm so much older than most of the other students. It's becoming easier at church. I don't go to bars. I'm usually pretty busy. How else would I meet people? <strong>Additionally, I'm actually quite fond of being alone. Not everyone wants to be surrounded by people all the time. I'm (usually) perfectly happy to attend a movie by myself, go to a restaurant by myself, or sit at home and do my crafting. I've even traveled alone. What does that say about me?</strong>
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Me too. There are nights when I want nothing more than to sit at home alone, watching shows, taking the dog for a walk, cooking myself dinner, etc. I crave alone time. Sometimes (like lately) I'm lonely, but there are a lot of times when I enjoy being by myself.

</div>

wrigleyville · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:a2387679-e3f7-42c4-83d0-6704eaa825c6">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : Huh? Maybe I said that wrong and I just can't figure it out?
Posted by amyb140[/QUOTE]
I knew what you meant. I weighed around 230 pounds when FI and I met, and I felt really awkward because he was thin. Then I lost weight, and he gained about 30 pounds, so he's heavier than me now. I feel weird that it makes me feel better, but I've always felt awkward dating guys who were smaller than me, no matter what I weighed. I'm 5'4", so height was never really an issue, just weight.

musicalsunlight · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:29ae604c-e204-413e-921c-996ad4a934aa">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : Heh. We might just be reading it differently. No worries. <strong>I think you all agree that you want your SO to be bigger :)
</strong>Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

I think there was confusion about what "larger" meant. I meant it as I don't want a fat husband and it sounds like she meant she wanted her husband to at least have some meat on him or be taller, etc. Which I agree with.

amyb140 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:29ae604c-e204-413e-921c-996ad4a934aa">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : Heh. We might just be reading it differently. No worries. I think you all agree that you want your SO to be bigger :)
Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]
Not that it matters, but I do think people are saying opposite things - at the very beginning of the thread MuSu said she didn't want to be with someone significantly bigger, and I said I don't want to be with someone smaller.

dumdumfroggie · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:3e4e234d-f287-4a7f-936e-8bca01aa01d2">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : I think there was confusion about what "larger" meant. I meant it as I don't want a fat husband and it sounds like she meant she wanted her husband to at least have some meat on him or be taller, etc. Which I agree with.
Posted by musicalsunlight[/QUOTE]

<div>Ah. Gotcha. Reading fail on my part.</div>

ski2play · July 2012

<p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:b9d0647b-d4d7-4eda-b383-49b247c241f7">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : When I was single, one of my dealbreakers was dating someone younger...and then I met and married H who is three years younger than me. So it makes me wonder how many of these are actually dealbreakers when you are in love or at least interested in someone who falls into one of these categories.
Posted by calixtine[/QUOTE]

This, when I was single, I couldn't image dating/marrying anyone who didn't want children, but I did. Of course, the fact that I already had two of my own probably helped.

dealbreakers for me:

hair, they must have hair, I can not do the bald or wrap around hair that men my age are sporting. (vain, party of me)

must have great work ethic and drive

must not try to keep me in a cage

</p>

aragx6 · July 2012

Dammit, I have a meeting now, so I have to run. This thread will probably be 30 pages long when I return!

Megbo2012 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:688c676d-e586-4a63-a6bd-a5660430b49d">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : I find this kind of insulting. Some people don't have lots of friends, but they have a few good ones. Many of my friends are people I've been close with since junior high or high school. Everyone scattered for college, and most of us don't live near each other. We're still friends. I would love to meet more people here, but I'm a pretty shy person, and it's difficult to make friends. It's awkward at school because I'm so much older than most of the other students. It's becoming easier at church. I don't go to bars. I'm usually pretty busy. How else would I meet people? Additionally, I'm actually quite fond of being alone. Not everyone wants to be surrounded by people all the time. I'm (usually) perfectly happy to attend a movie by myself, go to a restaurant by myself, or sit at home and do my crafting. I've even traveled alone. What does that say about me?
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>But you have friends right? I'm talking about people who have almost zero friends. I'm a very extroverted person so it wouldn't work for me.

</div>

adamar15 · July 2012

Heh, it's a good thing the friends thing wasn't a dealbreaker for H. All of my high school friends ditched me when we got together. He was basically my only real friend for awhile.

calixtine · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:9d81c2f2-f8c6-44cd-997b-e599593baebc">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]Special - as for getting along with family, I think its situational. In your case, its justified. Someone who doesn't get along with their family because they think they are too good for them is a completely different ball game.
Posted by lovethebeach16[/QUOTE]

I think it would be more of a dealbreaker if he loved his family and you couldn't stand them or vice versa. If his relationship is strained with them and you are civil, then it seems like everyone is pretty much on the same page KWIM? I think it's when there is a huge difference that tension rises and causes strain.

I guess that would be the same for a lot of things. I've always said that people in relationships have to have similar habits/ideas about drinking because if one is a heavy drinker and the other is not, that is probably eventually going to be a dealbreaker. Drunk people are only fun if you are also drunk and being the sober driver all the time would suck.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:688c676d-e586-4a63-a6bd-a5660430b49d">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealbreakers : I find this kind of insulting. Some people don't have lots of friends, but they have a few good ones. Many of my friends are people I've been close with since junior high or high school. Everyone scattered for college, and most of us don't live near each other. We're still friends. I would love to meet more people here, but I'm a pretty shy person, and it's difficult to make friends. It's awkward at school because I'm so much older than most of the other students. It's becoming easier at church. I don't go to bars. I'm usually pretty busy. How else would I meet people? Additionally, I'm actually quite fond of being alone. Not everyone wants to be surrounded by people all the time. I'm (usually) perfectly happy to attend a movie by myself, go to a restaurant by myself, or sit at home and do my crafting. I've even traveled alone. What does that say about me?
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]
Word. I can understand an introvert not being compatible with someone. But the comment about a person with few friends, "what that says about them", bugs.

Habs2Hart · July 2012

I couldn't marry a selfish person. Someone who never gave their time/money/anything to help someone else out.

adamar15 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealbreakers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db81d746-f571-4bb7-b863-49903207fc8fPost:eaa7e6d2-7771-4d87-b1b6-858fe00cacd0">Re: Dealbreakers</a>:
[QUOTE]Re: the friends/social thing. That would probably be a dealbreaker for me personally, just because I'm a social person who needs that outside of a relationship, KWIM? So I just don't see how it would work out if I were dating someone who was more of a loner and who preferred to stay home all the time. Not that it doesn't/can't work like that for other people, but for me it wouldn't work. My ex-BF in college was like that - he hated going out and he hated me going out and it caused a lot of resentment that eventually led to the end of the relationship. <strong>H is a perfect balance though. He likes going out and likes staying home. It fits.
</strong>Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

That's how we are, too.

specialk84 · July 2012

Meg, my point was not that you said you want to have friends. It's that you said, "It says a lot about someone who has no friends" or something like that. What does that say? Something bad? Maybe you didn't mean it like that, or maybe I'm overly sensitive, but I'm reading that as "There's something wrong with that person."

Other than my husband, I have ONE friend in town who I can meet up with and hang out. What does that say about me?

Dealbreakers

Re: Dealbreakers

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