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Wedding Etiquette Forum
polichik
member
FI-related... I could really use some help/advice.
CN: My otherwise wonderfully attentive, responsible, and egalitarian FI can't do a single WR thing without being asked a dozen times. It's really making me mad now. WWYD?
I think this is the first time I've written here for FI advice, probably because I really don't have much to complain about, and I tend to be a somewhat private person about this stuff, but I'm honestly stumped. I fear this may become long. Sorry.
I know I've mentioned before about the long hours that FI works (usually 8 to 8, sometimes he gets out by 6:30, sometimes he has to stay until 10 or 11). My schedule is easier since I'm a grad student and now I'm done with my program. In the beginning of wedding planning (two years ago), we decided that we wanted to work evenly on wedding stuff. It became clear after a few months that I'd be the one doing the majority, mostly because he didn't care about picking out centerpieces and I also had more time/desire to do stuff.
About a year ago, it became clear that I was doing absolutely everything. It really bothered me, but we talked about it, and it just seemed like it was the way it was going to have to be. FI spends all day on spreadsheets, designing stuff, and calling vendors, which is exactly what the wedding work would be. I can see why he wouldn't want to come home and do more of the same. I've also enjoyed doing it up until recently, so it seemed reasonable enough. He does more than half of the housework, so it was sort of an exchange.
One thing stands out as a big issue, though. If I ask him to do one WR thing that I really can't do (like call his parents about something, do something GM-related), I have to ask him 5 to 10 times until it actually happens. Nothing else in our relationship (housework, other responsibiliteis) is like this, and it baffles both of us. Every time I bring up how frustrated it makes me, he apologizes, promises to do stuff without being hounded, and seems really upset that he messed up. We've now literally had this same conversation once a month for the past six months, and I'm at a loss. Nothing has changed.
Do you guys have any ideas, suggestions, or experiences? It's really upsetting both of us, and I'm out of ideas. Thanks for reading my novel.
ETA: Also, if you think I'm being unrealistic, I'd really like to know. I'm sure I have an equal hand in this.
I think this is the first time I've written here for FI advice, probably because I really don't have much to complain about, and I tend to be a somewhat private person about this stuff, but I'm honestly stumped. I fear this may become long. Sorry.
I know I've mentioned before about the long hours that FI works (usually 8 to 8, sometimes he gets out by 6:30, sometimes he has to stay until 10 or 11). My schedule is easier since I'm a grad student and now I'm done with my program. In the beginning of wedding planning (two years ago), we decided that we wanted to work evenly on wedding stuff. It became clear after a few months that I'd be the one doing the majority, mostly because he didn't care about picking out centerpieces and I also had more time/desire to do stuff.
About a year ago, it became clear that I was doing absolutely everything. It really bothered me, but we talked about it, and it just seemed like it was the way it was going to have to be. FI spends all day on spreadsheets, designing stuff, and calling vendors, which is exactly what the wedding work would be. I can see why he wouldn't want to come home and do more of the same. I've also enjoyed doing it up until recently, so it seemed reasonable enough. He does more than half of the housework, so it was sort of an exchange.
One thing stands out as a big issue, though. If I ask him to do one WR thing that I really can't do (like call his parents about something, do something GM-related), I have to ask him 5 to 10 times until it actually happens. Nothing else in our relationship (housework, other responsibiliteis) is like this, and it baffles both of us. Every time I bring up how frustrated it makes me, he apologizes, promises to do stuff without being hounded, and seems really upset that he messed up. We've now literally had this same conversation once a month for the past six months, and I'm at a loss. Nothing has changed.
Do you guys have any ideas, suggestions, or experiences? It's really upsetting both of us, and I'm out of ideas. Thanks for reading my novel.
ETA: Also, if you think I'm being unrealistic, I'd really like to know. I'm sure I have an equal hand in this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FI-related... I could really use some help/advice.
Nick didn't do anything, and if I asked him to do something more than twice, I just gave up. As long as it got done, I was happy.
Have you looked into hiring a wedding planner or DOC? Mine helped a ton. It might help relieve some of the stress on you too.
sorry, I don't really know what to tell you!
So there's a guy's perspective for you, I guess.
Honestly, H and I do this all the time where I'm explicit about how he makes me feel and it just takes him 15 conversations until he really gets it and then he starts trying. It's annoying as hell, but he gets there.
But... there are certain tasks that he has promised to do, and I have finally told him that I'm going to stop helping him with them. He's responsible for the honeymoon, the groomsmen (and groom's) attire and all music. As we're only four months from the Day, he's beginning to understand that he'd better start doing something or there won't be music or a honeymoon and the groomsmen will be left to their own clothing devices. Suddenly, this weekend, he started creating song lists for the DJ, started talking to people about bands, started thinking about suits and honeymoon locations.
When your FI is ready, he'll be ready. But I'd probably limit his to-do list to things that interest him or he'll have little incentive to be involved.
I guess the only thing I can say, though, is that when I found something he was interested in, it was easy to motivate him. For instance, he was really excited about the HM. I said, have at it. I listened to his ideas, but I let him make the ultimate decisions. Since he was interested, he dove into those chores and did an awesome job. Maybe ask your FI what he wants to do, like choosing music or something?
I'm pretty much to the point of telling him, "I'll handle it, I won't bother you with anything, and all you need to do is get fitted for your tux and show up sober."
I wish I had better advice, but that's all I can come up with!
Married!
And Laura, I do see what your FI is saying. I know I'm really lucky to have this be the only issue we have right now. I know I'm sensitive about this because my parents have the "mom does everything and nags dad about it" dynamic in their relationship, and it's been poison to them. I know I tend to read too much into everything... Damn therapist classes :P
Planning!.....Married!
Honestly, I'm finding it hard to swallow the "it's really upsetting both of us" situation. If it was really bothering him and he didn't like fighting about it, wouldn't he take some initiative to fix the problem? Like, say... write down what you ask and do it in a timely fashion? Problem solving skills here, Poli fiance
I think that maybe sharing the wedding responsibilities fifty-fifty may be unrealistic at this point. It's only frustrating and upsetting both of you. Do what you can, give him simple, small tasks and realize that many things you are stressing about now won't be important after the wedding. My fiance does things that drive me up a wall. But, after my snarky responses to his behavior that doesn't change, I've realized this is just him.
I think that generally, we (women) have more of an idea about exactly what kind of time/details go into planning a wedding. Men (my Fi too) just don't get the importance of needing names, addresses, calling parents, etc and really don't feel like doing it.
He may know and understand that he is disappointing you when he doesn't do wedding related things, but frankly, if he hasn't changed in six months, he probably won't change now.
I thnk that you have the right to be a little irked, but this might be something that you will just have to bite the bullet on and finish. Let him know exactly when things need to be done by, and ask him if he can do it by X date. Don't mention it again, and see if he remembers on his own.
Rick will know he needs to do something by X date, and he will always do it on X date, two minutes before the place closes or the deadline passes. I don't work like that, so it stresses me out, and I feel the need to try and get him to complete things on my schedule. I finally started giving him one reminder, and letting it go.
Sorry he is stressing you out Poli.
I also agree that sharing things 50-50 isn't realistic, which isn't actually what I want. It's more that I'm fine doing 99% of the wedding stuff as long as he can do the one thing a week that I ask. I do see what you're saying though.
Michaelandjulie, I really lilke the deadline idea. I hadn't thought about that!
Honestly, hearing from everybody else that this is normal helps a LOT. I tend to catastrophize sometimes.
Planning!.....Married!
FWIW, my DH, then FI wouldn't do a thing either. I asked and asked, but he was indifferent to everything. He didn't have any preferences or objections, and left it all to me. Which I finally accepted as his style. I planned everything myself. All I specifically asked him to do was get the ice for all the beverages and make sure everything was cold for the reception. Which, in the end, he didn't do and I had to ask friends to take care of at the last minute. I'm not happy about it, but that's him.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
[QUOTE]Joy, that's the other thing that got me... If it really bothers him, why doesn't it change? I know it does bother him though (he would kill me for saying this) because he almost always tears up, which he doesn't normally do. He says that he feels really bad, at which point I feel like a jerk and usually let it go.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]
Aw, geez... if my fiance teared up over anything I asked him to do, I'd back off immediately. I guess that makes a solution here even more problematic. I'm sorry, Poli :-(
It never ends here. Dh is amazing about getting most things done, but every once in a while he hits a brick wall and will not do something. I've just gotten used to going "Honey, I don't want to nag you, but please get this done it would really mean a lot to me" and after about 5 times it gets done.
House / Baby blog
I was joking with him that if he wasn't so amazing about doing laundry, planning dates, bringing me flowers, etc. he'd have an easier time of it because this wouldn't seems so out of whack.
I'm going to try to CTFO (chill the F out) about it, not take it to mean anything more than that he's forgetful, and just remind him a bunch. And even though we can't hire a coordinator, my mom has offered to take stuff on.
Planning!.....Married!
[QUOTE] Michaelandjulie, I really lilke the deadline idea. I hadn't thought about that! Honestly, hearing from everybody else that this is normal helps a LOT. I tend to catastrophize sometimes.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]
<div>It really helped. He also tells me when he needs things done. His parents are hosting the RD and he told me he needed to know who should be invited by last weekend so they could finalize details. It has prevented so many arguments. I like feeling like I don't have to do everything or nag him endlessly about what needs to be done. </div><div>
</div><div>Our division of labor is probably closer to 70/30 but he really likes to help when he knows what to do and when it has to be completed. It sounds like your FI also wants to help, but just can't remember what you need done. Hopefully this (and all of the other ideas!) will make things easier.</div>
Planning!.....Married!
Planning!.....Married!
I think there is just something deep inside them that makes them forget about this stuff when they have other stuff in their head. Last time I asked, mine actually said "but I know how much fun you're having picking stuff out"...yea, not that much fun!
I feel your pain on this issue, and have had a few things (WR and non-WR) come up like this between H and I. And it's not that we both don't genuinely feel bad about disappointing each other, but sometimes part of feeling bad is knowing that the problem is something we might not wish or feel able to change at the time. If that makes sense. It sounds like your FI has the best of intentions and doesn't want to cause you undue stress. But there's still something that continually enables him to make the decision to put his assigned wedding task on the back burner. Who knows what it might be, and perhaps it's not worth digging into just for the sake of sharing the wedding planning. Especially if this is the only part of your relationship where this occurs.
It's not fair that you have been saddled with the lion's share of the wedding prep, but since even you're beginning to burn out on it, perhaps he's feeling the same way too? Even though he hasn't actually done a lot of the work, he's been thinking about wedding planning with you for two years. That's a long time for either of you!
Knowing you, I'm sure you have had many logical and thoughtful conversations about this with each other. It sounds like you've tried your best so far. I don't really have much advice, but I wish you the best of luck in getting through the last stage of your planning! You will both look back at all of this later and be so thankful of all the thought you've put into your wedding.
Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?
"cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
You're not alone Poli, as the ladies already told you. FI and I actually had a big agrument about this last week, and every other month for the past year. It is really frustrating because I want him to care about the wedding too. I personally hate planning, and he is the one that wanted something big. I realized after our last argument that he does care, he just doesn't get it.
Thanks so much, Beatles. You always have such an amazingly wise perspective on everything, and I can't wait to hear about how your new job goes! Since I last posted, we actually had one of our best conversations ever. I honestly think he'd be an awesome therapist, ha. We were really able to talk about how our narratives affect us (his= everything's fine, and if it isn't, we can figure it out. mine=there's usually something going on that we should address immediately or OMG it's going to be a huge issue), and I really feel better about it. He's really such a wonderful guy, and I love that he's willing to talk about this stuff and get into the emotion. Sorry if that was super jargon-y
Jasmine, that sound so frustrating. I'm sorry you're in the same boat. I think I'm going to try the deadline thing that some other pps suggested... Maybe that would help?
Michaelandjulie (just Julie?
Planning!.....Married!
He wanted two domestic (gave names) and two imported (gave names) of the beer to be served. Also, he was very opposed to closing the bar during the dinner.
No biggie to me and M had no objection. It was their wedding, not mine, so that ruled.
I don't know enough about beer to even state an objection
[QUOTE]Btw, I feel like I should be paying all of you right now for your advice and therapy :) It's top-notch! Thanks so much, Beatles. You always have such an amazingly wise perspective on everything, and I can't wait to hear about how your new job goes! Since I last posted, we actually had one of our best conversations ever. I honestly think he'd be an awesome therapist, ha. We were really able to talk about how our narratives affect us (his= everything's fine, and if it isn't, we can figure it out. mine=there's usually something going on that we should address immediately or OMG it's going to be a huge issue), and I really feel better about it. He's really such a wonderful guy, and I love that he's willing to talk about this stuff and get into the emotion. Sorry if that was super jargon-y :)
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]
I'm seriously sitting here with the warm fuzzies from this. I love that you guys use narratives in understanding your conflicts! Your FI sounds really introspective like you, and I think your different outlooks on life are what make you a good match (especially since you both seem to like to explore and negotiate your conflicts). It's funny that it takes a lapse in wedding planning for you to be able to see that even more. Silver lining, right? :) And yeah, he should totally consider a second career in psych! Glad you guys have reached a better place on this issue.
Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?
"cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko