Wedding Etiquette Forum

Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes t

When a rehearsal dinner occurs during the week (yes, theres work early the next day) and is located over an hour away and when said parties are NOT EVEN IN THE WEDDING PARTY but acting as an usher, should we be forced to attend?

WE got married last summer and DID NOT have a rehearsal simply b/c we did not want to impose on people in asking them to take time out of their schedules to travel so that we can show them something they have known since infancy - "walk". 

I understand the reason is also to spend time w/ family and wedding party, yeah yeah, yeah...  but for Christ Sake, we'll see you and spend time with you at something called your WEDDING in a few days.

- I expect alot of attention hungry bridezillas to hate me for this, so just bring it!

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Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes t

  • No one can force you to attend.  If you're not in the wedding party, I don't think you really need to go if you don't want to.

    Also, calm down.  This is not that big of a deal.
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  • It's an invitation, not a subpoena. You don't have to attend. 

    Ok you're both right, really. A R and RD are never "required." People do know how to walk. However, if you have a R, I feel that you should host a little something for those who came but it does not have to be a full dinner. And sometimes a ceremony can be complicated and warrant a little instruction beforehand. They may not be having as simple of a ceremony as what you had. 

    There is no rule saying that an R and RD can't be on a weekday. The couple just has to accept that some people cannot attend. Same goes for the actual wedding. So yes, the bride is correct to invite anyone who is participating in the wedding, which would mean ushers too. 
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  • rlavachrlavach member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:686911fc-b32b-48fc-85d3-7dec26525e43">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]No one can force you to attend.  If you're not in the wedding party, I don't think you really need to go if you don't want to. <strong>Also, calm down.  This is not that big of a deal.</strong>
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, it's really NBD. My rehearsal is during the week because that is the only time we can get in our ceremony venue. Because we have several BP members who don't speak English & have never been in a wedding in the US, we felt it necessary. The ushers will attend also. Ours will be at 9:45p since that's the earliest we can get it, but is no more than 30min from everyone & shouldn't last more than 20 minutes. <div>
    </div><div>If you don't want to go, don't. Then just make sure to be early to the ceremony so another usher can fill you in. I really do NOT think this is an event centered around giving the bride attention. Seriously.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:686911fc-b32b-48fc-85d3-7dec26525e43">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]No one can force you to attend.  If you're not in the wedding party, I don't think you really need to go if you don't want to. Also, calm down.  This is not that big of a deal.
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]
    All of this.

    My sister is a BM in our cousin's wedding this October. The wedding is on a Saturday in OH and my sister lives in SC. The rehearsal and dinner are on Thursday. My sister is going to try to attend the rehearsal but most likely will not be able to as it would mean both she and her BF will have to take BOTH Thursday and Friday off from work. Our cousin completely understands and knows that my sister will be able to figure out "how to walk" (as you put it) without attending the rehearsal.

    Long story short - if you're unable to make it to the rehearsal and dinner, oh well. The bride and groom will survive and I'm sure your absence will not disrupt the actual wedding.
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  • You can decline.

    I bet the bride was trying to be nice and include you. Just decline for freaks sake.

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  • No, Red, she was obviously trying to be the BIGGEST AW EVAR!!!!
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  • Our rehearsal and RD were on a Friday. We invited the entire WP, our immediate families, and our OOT guests. No one was forced to attend. Several did not. No one's feelings were hurt.

    Calm the eff down. If you can't (or don't want to) make it, just decline the invitation.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:77eed025-b431-4a09-a7e0-fab0b1b787d7">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yeah, it's really NBD. My rehearsal is during the week because that is the only time we can get in our ceremony venue. Because we have several BP members who don't speak English & have never been in a wedding in the US, we felt it necessary. The ushers will attend also. Ours will be at 9:45p since that's the earliest we can get it, but is no more than 30min from everyone & shouldn't last more than 20 minutes.  If you don't want to go, don't. Then just make sure to be early to the ceremony so another usher can fill you in. <strong>I really do NOT think this is an event centered around giving the bride attention. Seriously.
    </strong>Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]
    I completely agree. Rehearsals and accompanying rehearsal dinners are extremely common; they are not done to have "YET ANOTHER event all about the bride." Isn't the event about the groom, too? I mean... I would think he'd be at the R and RD.
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  • strlzfan11strlzfan11 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited April 2012
    I don't really like any of your options, to be honest. I also don't think an hour away is that big of a deal, either, but I'm not going to jump all over you and freak out about how wrong you are.  You are entitled to your own opinion, but you have to be prepared to accept that some people (the bride and groom whose wedding this actually is) might be upset with you.  What isn't important to you MAY be important to someone else.

    ETA: I agree with everyone else that an invitation is not a subpoena.  You don't HAVE to go, but it sounds like you are trying to make this all about you, when it's not.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:33d11f1a-fbd7-46bb-b75b-962c8309eda2">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, Red, she was obviously trying to be the BIGGEST AW EVAR!!!!
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

    Sh!t, I forgot. Brides are always <em><strong>EVIL!!!</strong></em>

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:33d11f1a-fbd7-46bb-b75b-962c8309eda2">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, Red, she was obviously trying to be the BIGGEST AW EVAR!!!!
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]
    Somehow I feel like OP is the biggest AW ever; hence the italics, bold, underline, etc.
    Due 10/21/13 with our first baby BabyFruit Ticker
  • Umm. I didn't feel like I was squeezing out extra attention by having a RD.  It gave us more time with our family and friends.  In our case except for a friends everyone else  lived plane rides away from us.

    If you can't make it to the RD, no big deal.  I just can't get the outrage of ::gasp:: hanging out with friends twice in one week.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I don't really think it is an event "all about the bride". My RD certainly wasn't. And it isn't just to show people "how to walk". We actually solved a few logistical issues and helped clear up questions during the rehearsal for my WP, so it was helpful. Not everyone needs one, but it can be helpful. Ushers don't NEED to be there, no. But you are overreacting. The RD is just a fun time, I think. No attention whoring.
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  • It depends.  For ushers, I don't think the rehearsal is necessary, so it's a-okay to decline to attend the RD.
  • My RD was definitely not a fun time.  It was spent trying to avoid questions as to where my mom was, since she was dealing with the fact that my little brother had just gotten busted with pot.  Not fun times at all.

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  • WHAT A BITCH!!!!!  HOW DARE SHE OFFER TO FEED YOU DINNER?!?!?!?!?!?!?

  • chelseamb11chelseamb11 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2012
    It really depends on the ceremony.  If it's as simple as walking up front and standing there, rehearsals aren't that necessary, but I can see why they're still done.  Other ceremonies are a lot more in depth with stuff.  Our ceremony has a lot of stands/sits/moves/etc, so our rehearsal is actually required by the church.  The rehearsal is to, ya know, rehearse so that the wedding goes smoothly.  It's not about giving the bride more attention.

    As for your usher question, sometimes ushers have extra tasks depending on your venue.  Our ushers need to know when to open/shut the doors, when to usher parents in, how to let people out the pews for communion, etc.  Again, it depends on the kind of ceremony that they're having.

    And I agree.  If you don't want to be there, then don't go.  It's pretty simple.  No need to get your panties in a twist over it.

    Edited for punctuation
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:686911fc-b32b-48fc-85d3-7dec26525e43">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]No one can force you to attend.  If you're not in the wedding party, I don't think you really need to go if you don't want to. Also, calm down.  This is not that big of a deal.
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

    Yes it is!  according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
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  • Calm your tits. It is a dinner you don't have to go.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:0ea906e5-c2a2-44fe-999f-4f84fa7c5867">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]WHAT A BITCH!!!!!  HOW DARE SHE OFFER TO FEED YOU DINNER?!?!?!?!?!?!?
    Posted by Megan+Adam[/QUOTE]
    Haha, that was awesome. <div>
    </div><div>We weren't intending on having ushers there either, but my DOC insisted because we have an aisle runner that will be rolled out during the ceremony & wanted to make sure that they knew where to go & stuff. She's actually going to be 'running' the rehearsal & telling everyone where to go, so mine is REALLY not about me :)</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:014362e2-992c-4189-9e80-e955d6b861a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yes it is!  according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
    Posted by mwiederhold[/QUOTE]

    Try acting like an adult and just tell them you're sorry, but you're unable to attend.  If they can't understand that, it's their problem.  I would suggest not talking to them in exclamation points.
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    Way cooler." - anna.oskar
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:014362e2-992c-4189-9e80-e955d6b861a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yes it is!  according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
    Posted by mwiederhold[/QUOTE]
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:014362e2-992c-4189-9e80-e955d6b861a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yes it is!  according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
    Posted by mwiederhold[/QUOTE]

    <div>You're an adult. You can decline the invitation.</div>
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:014362e2-992c-4189-9e80-e955d6b861a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yes it is!  according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
    Posted by mwiederhold[/QUOTE]

    Have you nicely explained that you have work the next day and that all the travel required would mean you would get in late, thus you would be too tired for work and you can't do it?

    What do they say to that?

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:075f2964-849e-4eb3-8e75-1199087d6719">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Somehow I feel like OP is the biggest AW ever; hence the italics, bold, underline, etc.
    Posted by AceTT[/QUOTE]

    No, Honey...  I didnt have a rehearsal dinner and didnt even have a bachelorette party due to time constraints.  I dont think that defines a AW so that must say alot about your stupid ass---assumption!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:014362e2-992c-4189-9e80-e955d6b861a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Yes it is!  according to my family it is, they're guilting me BIG TIME!
    Posted by mwiederhold[/QUOTE]

    Methinks <em><u><strong>YOU</strong></u></em> are making a bigger deal out of it than <em><u><strong>THEY</strong></u></em> are.
  • You have two options:

    a) decline the invitation
    b) let your family guilt you into going

    You need to make a decision, stick to it, and stop complaining about it.

    But I have to ask why are you so dead set against going?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:da903adc-87bd-4f2d-9b35-6487769447f8">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Or spin class.  Don't worry. There's one later, too.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    DED!

    Totally OT, but Pittsburgh Dad also has a FB page you can check out.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinners-absolutely-importantnecessary-or-bride-squeezing-out-another-event-where-shes-the-center-of-attention?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f6d9efe-dd20-428f-9818-2c281f3d3162Post:b241f355-cb47-4364-b280-88954bee2851">Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinners - Absolutely Important/Necessary or Bride Squeezing Out Another Event Where Shes the Center of Attention : Have you nicely explained that you have work the next day and that all the travel required would mean you would get in late, thus you would be too tired for work and you can't do it? What do they say to that?
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

    I rise at 545am, husband rises at 500am - my commute from NYC is one hour, his is 20 minutes. we start work at 7am and 730am and get home at 5pm  and 7pm.  The hearsal (starts at 730) is over an hour away, possibly 2hrs with NY traffic.  After the church the dinner will go from 8pm to 10pm and then there's the 1 hour + drive home.  Our family is fully aware of our schedules and the sister is demanding that her brother (my husband) attend regardless of what his daily work schedule is like.  when we explained our day in full detail yet again, the response was "So, cant you just come"?
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