I have been engaged for 6 months. My wedding is next July. My bridesmaid got engaged over Christmas and her wedding is 2 weeks before mine. I'm the MOH. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, however I am in law school and she knows that next June (when her wedding is) I am studying my butt off for 4 weeks for the bar exam (to PASS law school).
She never asked me if it was ok that she picked a date 2 weeks before mine, nor did she ask me if I was ok being her MOH and studying for the biggest exams of my life, and finishing up the planning for my own wedding.
I told her that I could not guarantee my attendance at pre-wedding events like the rehearsal dinner, last minute appointments etc. She didn't seem too impressed with that.
WWYD? It kind of irks me because I already know she is going to be a high-maintenance, and I feel like she is taking advantage of my non-care attitude about weddings. My other friends have admitted that if I was ever to plan MY wedding 2 weeks before hers, she would have a stroke.
Re: My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out?
If it's going to be too much, just back out. I would use the law school as the excuse not your wedding. Just say that you are just going to be too busy to fully commit to the 'job' of MOH.(not that I really think MOH is a job, but this bride might think so)
[QUOTE]I have been engaged for 6 months. My wedding is next July. My bridesmaid got engaged over Christmas and her wedding is 2 weeks before mine. I'm the MOH. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, however I am in law school and she knows that next June (when her wedding is) I am studying my butt off for 4 weeks for the bar exam (to PASS law school). She never asked me if it was ok that she picked a date 2 weeks before mine, nor did she ask me if I was ok being her MOH and studying for the biggest exams of my life, and finishing up the planning for my own wedding. I told her that I could not guarantee my attendance at pre-wedding events like the rehearsal dinner, last minute appointments etc. She didn't seem too impressed with that. WWYD? It kind of irks me because I already know she is going to be a high-maintenance, and I feel like she is taking advantage of my non-care attitude about weddings. My other friends have admitted that if I was ever to plan MY wedding 2 weeks before hers, she would have a stroke.
Posted by meegz85[/QUOTE]
You didn't <u>have </u>to accept the MOH offer and you could still step down if you choose. As far as the crowding goes, yeah, it would irk me if I was busy with my own planning and studying but the bottom line is, every bride gets one day and it's not up to her BP to make the decision as to when that day is.
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The law school thing is a different story. But if your friend isn't in law school, she may honestly not realize how much goes into preparing for the bar exam. She may be thinking "She can take a day off for my wedding."
After all, she may be thinking that you've planned your own wedding in that same "studying for the bar" time frame.
If you don't think you can plan your own wedding, be in her wedding, and study for the bar, tell her that you're going to have to decline the honor of being in her wedding, but you're so looking forward to being there as a guest.
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But in that, I think you can say, "I love you dearly but I HAVE to let you know now that there are going to be a ton of things going on for me at that time of the year. I'll be the best MOH that I can but please understand that I'm going to have to focus on that exam and my wedding."
And see how the bride reacts. Ideally, a good friend will know that when you plan an event during a time that your dear friend is busy, making it YOUR event does not mean that suddenly your friends have free time.
We made compromises with our date because during our preferred dates FBIL would be in the midst of studying for or taking a med school board of some sort. The one we ended up with isn't the most ideal for any of us, but doable for all of us and hopefully he will be able to spend some time with OOT close family members this way.
I do realize that sometimes only one date will work for a couple, but I don't think you can expect full attendance at non-obligatory events - particularly if you don't take the WP schedules into account when choosing a date.
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And in terms of her not asking if you were ok with MOH and your other responsibilities...she did ask. When she asked if you'd be her MOH and you said yes. I think you should have a chat with her and just say that you want to be really clear with her about the kind of time commitment you'll be able to make. If she asks you to "step down" as a result of that conversation, then she's a bridezilla, and you'll have saved yourself drama down the road. But hopefully she'll understand that you have a life outside her wedding (just like she has a life outside yours, which is why she gets to have her wedding whenever she wants) and realize that MOH is about your closest friend, not your best slave.
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Another question - she just got engaged, so did she put deposits down to secure her date?
i can totally see how this would annoy you but there's not much that you can do about it. i would probably step down from the MOH position. not out of spite, but because it's really just too much to do all at one time. be nice about it, but be clear.
and yes, friends do very weird things when it comes to weddings. some simply have to be married before everyone else, and will completely inconvenience others just to do it. it's silly and childish, and yet more of a reason why women are bitches.
But if she's expecting you to be super-involved and is going to get pissy with you for studying rather than focusing your attention on her wedding ... then, yes, it's inconsiderate of her. Not so much choosing a date that's near your own wedding date (because it seems like the problem here is the proximity to your exams, not your wedding, so your wedding really doesn't have anything to do with this problem), but that she's expecting you to drop everything and devote yourself to her wedding.
I would sit down with her and kindly ask her to elaborate on what she's expecting from you, and I would calmly let her know what you think you are capable of. Then decide from there if you should remain in the wedding or not. A GOOD friend would want you there even if all you could do was stand up in the wedding and not do anything else whatsoever ... so if she wants you out of her wedding because you can't do enough stuff for her beforehand, then honestly I think that's a sign that she's not that good of a friend after all.
But ditto PP - if she hasn't put down any deposits yet, this may all be a moot point. Many people "set a date" and then wind up with something difference once they see what venues and vendors are available.
However, as someone who has taken two bar exams, I can't imagine planning my own wedding, being in a friend's wedding (much less MOH) and studying for the bar. Studying for the bar is like a full-time job plus some. I literally studied from 9am-11pm every day for 2 months for the first test (second was much easier because all the preliminary studying was done). A good friend of mine got engaged and was looking at dates and wanted me to be MOH, and I flat out told her that if it was between May-July of 2008 I wouldn't be able to be in her wedding. That may have been rude of me, but my priority was to pass the bar. I paid A LOT of money for my education and to take that damn test, and I DID NOT want it to go to waste.
For the record, if you've done all your planning before you graduate and it's really just making sure people show up where they're supposed to the week before the wedding, it's probably not all that difficult to plan your own wedding for a week or so after the bar exam. However, if she's already miffed at the idea of you not being able to participate in pre-wedding parties, etc., I'd just step down and blame law school/the bar exam to avoid her guilting you into giving up study time to go to things for her wedding. If you do it now, maybe she'll understand and have enough time to ask someone else to take over the MOH role.
That being said, good luck on the bar! It's a beast. Just out of curiousity, where are you that the bar exam won't conflict with an early July wedding? In GA and SC both, the bar is the last week in July. The entire month of July is spent cramming as much in as possible (though I did take a weekend off on the 4th of July to unwind a little before the final push set in).
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But you said she did ask and you gave her an answer, maybe this date was what worked the absolute best for everybody else that she checked with?
While it's incredibly annoying and inconvenient, she didn't do anything wrong.
Also, a PP made a good point: she's already booked a July wedding for this year and has on been engaged a few days? Most couples take at least a few weeks just to pick a venue (And as you know, the venue also has a say in your date).
If her date isn't set in stone (It's just maybe a day she wants?) then I'd wait until you know for sure that this will be a problem before you take any action.
If it's a done deal, then only you can decide if you can do everything and not have regrets about it. If she's a bride that expects her BP to be her staff, then it'll probably be in your best interest to step down. If she understands that you really might not be able to just get the dress and show up, then it'll be tough, but you might be able to pull it off.
Best of luck!
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Anyway, unless she is IN law school, she just might not quite be able to relate to the whole law school and bar exam process (i.e. that it ends up consuming you for certain periods of time!). I would not get too upset about, she does have the right to pick after all whatever date she and her FI want in the end - even if perhaps her motives are to one-up you
Anyway, you don't HAVE to be her MOH - and you certainly don't have any "duties" other than to buy the dress and show up and that includes pre-wedding parties. She may be disappointed, but it sounds like you DID share this with her previously and she still chose that date.
Other than that, taking a day off from studying to go to a wedding as a guest (or even still as a MOH still) would be a fantastic break!
I am the MOH in my friend's 5/2011 wedding, she has everything booked and everything but I had to tell her that I am 'going into exile' effective this September. Right now I am going to school at a community college but in September, I am going back to school at my private college and graduating in December. Then I start graduate school in January of 2011. In the midst of that, I will be interning and I also have a bunch of medical problems. I think she understands and hopefully, your friend will too.
If she doesn't, then she can step down but if she does, I would remain the MOH so as to not hurt yur friendship. But ditto pp and talk to her ASAP.
It is alot going on for you with your own wedding process plus studying for your bars I would go along with what this pp said
"You're my best friend you know I love you yadayada. I want to be there for you every step of the way but with your wedding, my own wedding planning and exams to study for all within a couple of weeks of each other, I just don't see how I can be the MOH that you deserve. I will definitely be at the wedding but as a guest."
Personally, we decided on a date really early in the engagement, but we weren't able to set it in stone until the local convention schedules came out, about 11 months out. (Vegas hosts a lot of conventions in the spring, we weren't so attached to our date that we were going to do it in a peak week when prices were higher.) It ended up being the same date, but we were willing to change it if necessary. So it may end up being a non-issue.
I would use the bar rather than your own wedding as the excuse to skip any pre-wedding stuff, or to bail out altogether. The bar is a totally reasonable excuse, but citing your own wedding as the reason looks kind of 'zilla-ish.
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FWIW, I think you're nuts to take the bar in June and get married in July. The reason we had such a long engagement was that I refused to start planning until after taking the bar. You're a braver soul than I am.
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[QUOTE]FWIW, I think you're nuts to take the bar in June and get married in July. The reason we had such a long engagement was that I refused to start planning until after taking the bar. You're a braver soul than I am.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
<div>LOL you articulated why lawyers have a bad rep. While I'm very appreciative for the thoughts and comments from the women here, I didn't ask for your opinions on the choice of my day, yet you felt I needed to hear yours. </div><div>I'm having a very small wedding and a 2 year engagement to boot, so there will be nothing major left to do by the time I'm studying. Further, there is 6 weeks from the end of the bar to my wedding day. Thanks for the nuts comment though.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out? : LOL you articulated why lawyers have a bad rep. While I'm very appreciative for the thoughts and comments from the women here, I didn't ask for your opinions on the choice of my day, yet you felt I needed to hear yours. I'm having a very small wedding and a 2 year engagement to boot, so there will be nothing major left to do by the time I'm studying. Further, there is 6 weeks from the end of the bar to my wedding day. Thanks for the nuts comment though.
Posted by meegz85[/QUOTE]
Meegz, chill. That was not a personal attack - I read it more as a jokey "wow, better you than me!" Has nothing to do with PP being a lawyer or not. It's great that you're so on top of things, but having had two friends who just studied for the bar (NY and CA), I couldn't imagine either of them getting married a few weeks after that either with how crazy busy they were, so I can see how a fellow lawyer would be amazed that you were planning to do that.
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[QUOTE]Thanks for the responses. As a secondary question, how would I even go about broaching the subject that maybe I shouldn't be the MOH or BM, while at the same time saving our friendship. My mom think it's crazy she did this, and she is a genuinely sweet girl, I just think a little bridezillish in that she needs to get married before me.<strong> I specifically said that end of July, August or later would be better for me and clearly that thought was not given any weight.</strong>
Posted by meegz85[/QUOTE]
That's crazy. Why would what time of year works best for you play a part in when she decides to have her wedding? She and her fiance choose their wedding date based on what works best for them (and probably their family), just like how you probably chose yours.
I'm going to go back to what I said in the first place: If she's going to be "okay" with you just getting the dress and showing up, then it'll be tough, but you can probably make this work.
However, if she's pretty much excpecting you to be her unpaid staff (And it's sounding like she is), then only you can make the decsion of whether or not you can do everything and not have law school suffer for it. If you're going to step down though, it's better to do it sooner than later, because if you wind up backing out in, say, April, she's likely to 1) Never forgive you and say you're ruining her spashul day-now that she has to "replace you" last minute, and 2) Come to the WP board b!tching that her MOH had the nerve to step down after not pulling her weight ... which will lead to 3) The regs telling her she needs a Come to Jesus talk.
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Be honest with your friend. She will probably be upset at first, but if she's really a good enough friend to be your MOH (and you hers), then she will understand.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaid plans to get married 2 weeks before I do. Would you be weirded out? : LOL you articulated why lawyers have a bad rep. While I'm very appreciative for the thoughts and comments from the women here, I didn't ask for your opinions on the choice of my day, yet you felt I needed to hear yours. I'm having a very small wedding and a 2 year engagement to boot, so there will be nothing major left to do by the time I'm studying. Further, there is 6 weeks from the end of the bar to my wedding day. Thanks for the nuts comment though.
Posted by meegz85[/QUOTE]
Wow. You are a piece of work.
Last I checked, female lawyers got a bad rep for being nasty and jumping down people's throats for nothing.
Go take a chill pill or something.
Come on seriously your bar exam is the first thing on your agenda. Thats what you have been working for the past *** # of years. Personally I would just tell her that you are going to have to decline this offer has you are in the middle of studying for the bar.
Hello she needs to have a wake up call that a career and income trump a wedding. Go has a guest. By the way GL with your studying and hitting the bar exam.