Wedding Etiquette Forum

Kids Invited- Yes or No & Why

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Re: Kids Invited- Yes or No & Why

  • I agree with Summer. 


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  • Thanks, guys. I was just getting incensed reading some of these replies and did not expect that level of entitlement when I opened this thread.

    Perhaps the most absurd part of all of this is I feel some of these people (Some, not all) are inviting kids to save face, so that they don't come off as "kid haters" (which they wouldn't) or to not make a family member angry. Is your cousin's 2 year old kid really going to be angry he wasn't invited to your wedding? No, he won't even comprehend what's going on. Will he years from now hold resentment he wasn't invited to an adult-only event? No. People are getting all up in arms over not inviting kids, when chances are, these kids won't even care that they aren't there or remember it for years to come.

    Also, as an adult there are many weddings of friends or family I am not invited to for a variety of reasons and I just move on with life. You, nor your children, need to be invited to EVERY EVENT EVER and the sooner you realize that and lose the entitlement, the easier life will be.


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  • ridedatbikeridedatbike member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    In Response to Re:Kids Invited Yes or No :Some of the posts in this thread are absolutely ridiculous. I find it absurd that people are essentially shaming those people who chose to not invite kids to their reception. What business is it of yours? People harping on treating kids like second class citizensOK, so that implies you want to treat kids like equals to adults.So by that logic, why should they be given different circumstances than adults? I didn't invite adults I was not close to or did not know well. Why should I invite children I'm not close to or don't know well? See how your logic does not prove what you want it to? I agree children are equal, which is why I did not give them special privileges I wouldn't have given my adult guests. I highly doubt anyone would question "Why didn't you invite your coworker Bob?" so why the need to question why someone didn't invite kids?Look, not every event in life is going to be kidfriendly. People who choose to have kids have to live with that reality. It means, as a parent, you may sometimes choose to not attend an event because your kids weren't invited or it wasn't an appropriate place for your kids. You may have to choose whether you want to get a sitter or not attend said event. That is part of being a parent. Choosing to reproduce does not give you the right to tote your children everywhere you go, including weddings and other events.The line that "Well it's a family affair and they are family" doesn't hold much weight to me. There were many people who are part of our families that we did not invite because we never talk to them or see them, so why invite them to our wedding? Same rule applies for children. I also see absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to have your wedding be an adult party and leave it at that. Absolutely no reason to defend your decision.Oh and before anyone says I am just biased, I actually DID invite all the children of our family and friends to our wedding. That was our CHOICE. I find it absurd and pretty offensive that people on here are essentially getting shamed because of a CHOICE they made to have an adultonly event. Posted by Summer2011Bride I 100 agree that there are going yo be times where children can't tag along like in proffessional situations where all of your attention is required. A couple at a wedding wont lose out if I don't have my eyes on them 100 of the time time or if im not 100 attentive to the events taking place so I don't usually put weddings in the same category as places where it is truly inappropriate for children to be. Necessities are one thing but 90 of the time its not a necessity so as much as its perfectly acceptable for someone to not invite kids entirely its also acceptable for somrone to be disappointed that they're basically expected to just decline a wedding they may have been looking forward to. I also agree with relationship statuses if you barely have a relationship with someone why would you invite their whole family. But even then I wouldn't expect anyone to be totally thrilled their kids weren't invited. I mean if people are aware of that and accept it then that's great. Again not rude in anyway I just like for people without kids to see the other side so they can take it into considerration. You know like a worst case scenario.
  • Nobody is saying you should be thrilled your kids aren't invited. You also do not have to decline the invitation, you choose to decline it.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Thank you Summer.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • arendivaarendiva member
    100 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    No kids at my wedding. The youngest guest will be 15. I've been to weddings that were ruined by children plus neither fiance or I have any young relatives we are close to (only 2nd cousins we've never met). We're having open bar all night and just preferred and adult only atmosphere.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-invited-yes-or-no-why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f28391ff-83e9-48c1-9b06-4f3f7edbb982Post:9e8c70c3-7736-44d3-ae1e-51d5826548fb">Re: Kids Invited- Yes or No & Why</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kids Invited- Yes or No & Why : Im actually curious about this though Ive seen a lot of people talk about how since theres alcohol its not an appropriate place for kids.  Im not questioning your decision like I said to each his own but I am curious <strong>do people really feel like anywhere alcohol is served is inappropriate for kids?</strong>  Ive just never heard of that maybe its again just where im from but Ive never been to a dry wedding or a child free wedding so this is a new concept for me.  I would definitely be fine bringing my kids some place where alcohol was served.
    Posted by ridedatbike[/QUOTE]

    Yes. Nothing bothers me more than when I go to the local pub (which is a bar that serves food NOT a family restaurant) and I see loads of kids running around.
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  • Well-said, Summer!  We did invite kids to our wedding, for various reasons, and I'm glad that we did so.  But I realize that some people choose not to have kids at their wedding, also for various reasons, and I don't think they should be judged for it. Not inviting kids is perfectly acceptable according to etiquette, and not one should be made to feel guilty if they choose to have a kid-free wedding.
  • In Response to Re:Kids Invited Yes or No :[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kids Invited Yes or No amp; Why:In Response to Re: Kids Invited Yes or No amp; Why : Im actually curious about this though Ive seen a lot of people talk about how since theres alcohol its not an appropriate place for kids. nbsp;Im not questioning your decision like I said to each his own but I am curious do people really feel like anywhere alcohol is served is inappropriate for kids? nbsp;Ive just never heard of that maybe its again just where im from but Ive never been to a dry wedding or a child free wedding so this is a new concept for me. nbsp;I would definitely be fine bringing my kids some place where alcohol was served.Posted by ridedatbikeYes. Nothing bothers me more than when I go to the local pub which is a bar that serves food NOT a family restaurant and I see loads of kids running around. Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

    Ok now a bar is nothing like a wedding that's what I was wondering I mean a wedding would be more like a restaurant. And are family bbqs always dry? I've just never heard of that I mean illegal drugs and smoking near children is one thing but all of the family get togethees I've ever been to have alcohol.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-invited-yes-or-no-why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f28391ff-83e9-48c1-9b06-4f3f7edbb982Post:d141cbab-6476-446e-b2f7-e95c26b7aa71">Re:Kids Invited Yes or No</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Kids Invited Yes or No : Ok now a bar is nothing like a wedding that's what I was wondering I mean a wedding would be more like a restaurant. And are family bbqs always dry? I've just never heard of that I mean illegal drugs and smoking near children is one thing but all of the family get togethees I've ever been to have alcohol.
    Posted by ridedatbike[/QUOTE]


    it guess it really depends on the atmosphere of the wedding. my wedding will have an open bar from 3:30 to 11pm and will have club music from 8 on. That sounds more like a bar than a restaurant to me.
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  • In Response to Re:Kids Invited Yes or No :[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Kids Invited Yes or No:In Response to Re:Kids Invited Yes or No : Ok now a bar is nothing like a wedding that's what I was wondering I mean a wedding would be more like a restaurant. And are family bbqs always dry? I've just never heard of that I mean illegal drugs and smoking near children is one thing but all of the family get togethees I've ever been to have alcohol.Posted by ridedatbikeit guess it really depends on the atmosphere of the wedding. my wedding will have an open bar from 3:30 to 11pm and will have club music from 8 on. That sounds more like a bar than a restaurant to me. Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]


    Must be a regional thing see none of those factors seem like ones that would lead me to decide I couldn't have my child there. I've actually never known anyone who would think that either lol. You learn something new everyday.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-invited-yes-or-no-why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f28391ff-83e9-48c1-9b06-4f3f7edbb982Post:9976657d-5cc8-4c8c-bcac-7592b5317720">Re: Kids Invited- Yes or No & Why</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kids Invited- Yes or No & Why : Why is that so shocking? Do parents attend their kids' sleepovers?  My mom often had to go away on business trips. Sometimes my dad accompanied her. I'd be left with grandparents or family friends. It wasn't shocking and didn't leave me the least bit traumatized. Kids, obviously, are people. And just like the adult people, not all of them make it on to the guest list. The reason why is irrelevant. 
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]



    My tone has misread as pseudo-judgemental. Which it was not. Surprising as they were going to, but then decided not too. To which I replied, "Nice babe! So you and ____ get to have some sexy alone time!" To which they winked and said, "Hell yeah!" Pretty much this exact conversation with 6 of my girlfriends. So you see- not judgemental, I am not concerned with traumatizing their kids, nor do I care about some kids "not making it in the guest list". Not shocked. Perhaps very mildly, neutrally surprised- if even that. Apologies for flippantly using a word that implies a stronger emotional reaction than I had.
    "Always be kinder than you think is necessary, for you never know what personal battles people are fighting."
  • Yes, we are inviting all children to our wedding. But we have a 3 year old daughter and all our closest friends are from OOT and have children also. It was natural to plan to be surrounded by children at our wedding. Our venue is outdoors on a ranch secluded in the mountains with lots of open area and entertainment for the children. If we had chosen a more formal venue then our guest list may have turned out differently. That being said, as a mother of a small child, I never expect other people to automatically invite or include her in their events that I am invited to. Its their day and their choice so I either find a babysitter or decline the invitation with no negative feelings. 
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2013
    nicoleandersonmd That makes more sense lol ridedatbike Where do you draw the line? I mean, clubs and bars late at night are fine with you, is there any place or environment you don't think is appropriate for a child to be?
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  • ridedatbikeridedatbike member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    In Response to Re:Kids Invited Yes or No :nicoleandersonmd That makes more sense lol ridedatbike Where do you draw the line? I mean, clubs and bars late at night are fine with you, is there any place or environment you don't think is appropriate for a child to be? Posted by Simply Fated Lol that'd not what I said in any way. But loud music and people who happen to be drinking don't mean OMG this is a terrible place for a kid to be IMO. I would have no problem.taking my kid to a wedding with loud music or alcohol and I've never heard of anyone ever thinking there would be a problem with that. If a fight were to break out or something else crazy like the stuff that goes on at bars and clubs then I wold leave because then my child wouldnt be safe. But someone drinking beer in the same room as my lo or loud music playing isn't going to harm her.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-invited-yes-or-no-why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f28391ff-83e9-48c1-9b06-4f3f7edbb982Post:211e34c6-76c0-4087-bccf-a8e79c0db5bd">Re:Kids Invited Yes or No</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Kids Invited Yes or No :nicoleandersonmd That makes more sense lol ridedatbike Where do you draw the line? I mean, clubs and bars late at night are fine with you, is there any place or environment you don't think is appropriate for a child to be? Posted by Simply Fated Lol that'd not what I said in any way. But loud music and people who happen to be drinking don't mean OMG this is a terrible place for a kid to be IMO. I would have no problem.taking my kid to a wedding with loud music or alcohol and I've never heard of anyone ever thinking there would be a problem with that. If a fight were to break out or something else crazy like the stuff that goes on at bars and clubs then I wold leave because then my child wouldnt be safe. But someone drinking beer in the same room as my lo or loud music playing isn't going to harm her.
    Posted by ridedatbike[/QUOTE]
    Yes, but pp described a club-like environment and you said you had no problem with that.
    So my question remains, what would you have a problem with? I'm curious to know where you draw your line, is all.
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  • ridedatbikeridedatbike member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    Ya she was saying open bar and loud music which aren't exactly reasons I wouldn't take my lo to a wedding. I mean I had never heard of a dry wedding or one without a DJ or one without kids till I came here. Every wedding I've ever been to has included all three. But I guess I don't take my kid to clubs because well she wouldn't b admitted any way um.over crowding violence illegal drugs stuff like that where she would actually be unsafe. Not just people drinking I mean that's normal around here family parties almost always include alcohol. As far as inappropriate environments um places where it is near impossible for intended events to take place with children around like work places. Or you know strip clubs stuff like that. Anywhere unsafe.
  • I didn't intend that to sound so biiitchy sorry
  • We are inviting kids to our wedding.  All 30 of them.  Nine of which are under the age of two.  Most of them are family, but two of our WP members just had their first children last year.  I went to several weddings as a child and I couldn't imagine not having all the little ones there for ours.  FI could take it or leave it, but that's just how he is.  Lol  He keeps trying to convince me that our cats would LOVE to come to the wedding.  Not so sure about that. 

    We are also providing onsite childcare, so the kids are well entertained and the parents aren't forced to constantly watch them.  It was something I really wanted to be able to provide and luckily it worked out with our budget.
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  • No matter where FH and I have the wedding, his hometown or where we live now, I would say 90 to 95 of our guest list is OOT. We decided on kids from our family and WP only, and any nursing moms. I know we will have people decline because of that but I know some people will decline simply because we are getting married in mid November in Wisconsin. Our biggest fight has been whether or not to include cousins' kids since at the last family gathering one of FH's cousins kids were drinking. I don't want to have security walking around to keep an eye on any underage drinking. Even though the bartenders wouldn't serve them, they would grab drinks off the tables of people who set their drink down to dance or go to the bathroom or whatever. Plus we are trying to keep our guest list at 300 people and adding cousins' kids and kids from friends, it is probably another 50/75 guests. Since FH has a huge family, which is about 110 people without some kids, we would have to cut from our friends. I personally would rather have 50/75 friends of mine and FH's vs kids we barely know. Cuts have to come somewhere, whether it is the kids, coworkers or friends, the couple has to decide what is important to them.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • We made our cut-off first cousins and then also invited the kids in the WP.  We had to have a cutoff somewhere and the first cousins that were technically "kids" were still preteens and teenagers.

  • Sierra524Sierra524 member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-invited-yes-or-no-why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f28391ff-83e9-48c1-9b06-4f3f7edbb982Post:9e8c70c3-7736-44d3-ae1e-51d5826548fb">Re: Kids Invited- Yes or No & Why</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kids Invited- Yes or No & Why : Im actually curious about this though Ive seen a lot of people talk about how since theres alcohol its not an appropriate place for kids.  Im not questioning your decision like I said to each his own but I am curious do people really feel like anywhere alcohol is served is inappropriate for kids?  Ive just never heard of that maybe its again just where im from but Ive never been to a dry wedding or a child free wedding so this is a new concept for me.  I would definitely be fine bringing my kids some place where alcohol was served.
    Posted by ridedatbike[/QUOTE]

    For me, it wasnt so much that alcohol is being served, it was really just because I know people are going to get a little crazy. I know my crowd & I know they use weddings and open bars as an excuse to get wasted. Im okay with that. I want them to have a good time. But, I dont want to risk something happening to a child that was there because of the amount of excessive drinking that happens at weddings.
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  • I've personally almost stepped on/crushed toddlers running around a crowded dance floor at a wedding before, so yeah...

    And why should your experience as a guest trump mine? I don't like watching out for kids at a wedding, that's not fun for me. Sometimes I deal with it while they're there, but I enjoy weddings more when they're not. Just like sometimes parents have to deal with not being able to bring their kids, and sometimes they get to enjoy weddings in the company of their precious snowflakes. I very much resent the tone in some of these posts that implies that a parent and their child have more "standing" or right to something than I do, simply because I am still childless by choice.

    Life. It's alllll a trade off.
  • Miss EsaMiss Esa member
    100 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited February 2013
    So I was wondering, Kids or no kids for the brides to be here, and why the decision? 


    No kids for us. There are no children in our families under the age of 12, and there are only two under the age of 18. (Both of whom are invited.) We only have one friend on the guest list with a child, and she will not have the child on our wedding day because the child will be with his father that weekend. 
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  • HoorayforSoup, this thread was a solicitation for personal opinion and reasoning behind a personal desicion for our events. I singled out no one, nor attacked anyone for their reasoning, depsite not agreeing with a lot of what is on here. Just because I came out of the gate without the intention of fighting dorsn't mean you can cow me by singling me out for a feeding frenzy. I stand by my definition of family, how I conducted my wedding, and my choices. All the snarling in the universe won't make your opinion anything more than equal to mine, and a good fit for YOU. So attack away, shake your fist at the sky, whatever you like. Won't change a thing.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • We're inviting kids, but got lucky that out of our entire guest list of around 200, I think only 5 have kids (and I guess if I don't know you well enough to know you have kids, well there's the cut). I think it would be a completely different story if we were talking 20+ kids. FI and I don't have kids yet, so maybe we just don't understand the need to have them with us every minute. I also feel like if you invite a ton of kids you have to change the atmostphere of the wedding. I don't think a bar, DJ, and FI's group of college friends (reunited) would still be appropriate. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think if I were a parent I would feel uncomfortable taking a kid to an event where that much drinking "could" happen (because as a guest, do you really know the crowd well enough to expect drinking or not?)

    So as a parent, please don't be offended if your kid isn't invited. Is it an inconvenience for you to have to get a babysitter? Maybe. Not attending is always and options. But between the $20 kids meal, $5 for each soda they drink half of and then lose, the possibility of inappropriate behavior (by the adults, or the kids!), and the overall change of atmosphere, please understand that sometimes it is just what the bride/groom feels is best.
  • In Response to Re:Kids Invited Yes or No :[QUOTE]We're inviting kids, but got lucky that out of our entire guest list of around 200, I think only 5 have kids and I guess if I don't know you well enough to know you have kids, well there's the cut.nbsp;I think it would be a completely different story if we were talking 20 kids. FI and I don't have kids yet,nbsp;so maybe we just don't understand the need to have them with us everynbsp;minute.nbsp;I also feel like if you invite a ton of kids you have to change the atmostphere of the wedding. I don't think a bar, DJ, andnbsp;FI's group ofnbsp;college friends reunitednbsp;would still be appropriate. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think if I were a parent I would feel uncomfortable taking a kid to an event where that much drinking "could" happen because as a guest, do you really know the crowd well enoughnbsp;to expect drinking or not?So as a parent, please don't be offended if your kid isn't invited. Is it an inconvenience for you to have to get a babysitter? Maybe. Not attending is always and options. But between the 20 kids meal, 5 for each soda they drink half of and then lose, the possibility of inappropriate behavior by the adults, or the kids!, and the overall change of atmosphere, please understand that sometimes it is just what the bride/groom feels is best.
    Posted by lizap77[/QUOTE]


    Ya see its not so much the not inviting as it is all of these assumptions. Like its not about needing your kids with you they are dependant on you especially when they're really young. Like breast fed babies for instance they are dependant on mom to eat. By all means don't invite kids but when you try to justify by making parenting assumptions that's where it gets offensive.
  • I, for one, am a huge lover of little people.  I adore my niece and nephew to pieces, I am obsessed with my nephew (who will be born in April)  I love kids, I think they are adorable and hysterical.
    With that being said, we didn't have kids at our wedding.  As much as I adore them, I don't think that everyplace is a place for kids.  Weddings, to me, under many circumstances are adult affairs.  The child banging a spoon during speeches and screaming, not neccesary at an affair such as an evening wedding.  The child running into the middle of the spotlight dance and being tripped over, not cool.  You get the picture.  I use these examples, because they happened at weddings in my circle of friends shortly before my own wedding.  Not to mention the friends who changed their daughter and left the dirty diaper on the dinner table. UGGGHHHH!

    Our decision caused one friend to meltdown, refuse to come, and make her husband drop out of the wedding party.  Sucks, but it's her choice.  When a bride and groom choose who to invite, they need to stand by that decision.  At the same time, guests should be adult enough to accept or decline the invitation without hard feelings and anger, IMHO. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-invited-yes-or-no-why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f28391ff-83e9-48c1-9b06-4f3f7edbb982Post:fbf6da36-d384-4d33-a7f8-d528c6988f6e">Re:Kids Invited Yes or No</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Kids Invited Yes or No : Ya see its not so much the not inviting as it is all of these assumptions. Like its not about needing your kids with you they are dependant on you especially when they're really young. Like breast fed babies for instance they are dependant on mom to eat. By all means don't invite kids but when you try to justify by making parenting assumptions that's where it gets offensive.
    Posted by ridedatbike[/QUOTE]
    It's not that anyone is trying to dictate where you should bring your kids on your own time, it's that not everyone wants your kid there.
    I like to go to the movies in the daytime (during school) to avoid as many kids as possible. However, there are still parents who bring their  really little kids there during those times. Whether or not I judge those parents is besides the point. Legally, they can be there. However, when I'm hosting an event, <em>I</em> get to decide whether or not kids are there. That's not me telling you how to parent, that's me getting a chance to choose not to have kids present where I don't want kids to be. That's the beauty of being the host, you get to write up the guest list. I'm not making a parenting choice for you, I'm making a guest list choice for myself.
    And I'm speaking hypothetically, as I'm not planning a wedding right now. My point is interchangable, though. When I have friends over my house, even if it's an outdoor bbq, I don't always want my friend's kids there. When you have a bbq, you can decide for yourself what you want to do with your kids.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-invited-yes-or-no-why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f28391ff-83e9-48c1-9b06-4f3f7edbb982Post:f50471b9-e4b6-4c91-9236-daa008993439">Re: Kids Invited- Yes or No & Why</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kids Invited- Yes or No & Why : How many people are you inviting that you think 50 people will add on their kids? Don't you think if seeing that millions of other brides managed to not have kids at their wedding without putting "adults only" on their invitation, you could do the same? Or are you the first person to ever be in that situation in the history of time?
    Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

    Because its <strong>MY wedding</strong> and thats what <strong>I</strong> chose to do. Not sure why you're getting all uptight about it.
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