can't end my affair - help me?

lyndausvi · April 2012

You need to postpone the wedding and get some counseling.

ttt222 · April 2012

I actually have been seeing a psychiatrist about this. Been very helpful in figuring out the voids that this 2nd relationship is filling (emotional & physical mainly), but hasn't helped me actually make any real decisions.

RailWayWife · April 2012

Well how much can you possible love your Fi if you are going behind his back cheating? You need to sit down and think “Why am I cheating?” “Why has it gotten to this point?” For the sake of your FI you need to postpone the wedding. If you cant be faithful to him during your engagement how do you expect to spend the rest of you life being faithful to him??

lyndausvi · April 2012

well he can't make the choice for you, but I think postponing is the right thing to do. You are not being fair to your FI here.

ceh789 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:97aebe26-b208-433f-bcbe-fbba8d5aad15">can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]A few months ago I posted about how I was cheating on my fiance, and a lot of you gave me really good advice about how I definitely needed to end the affair and should probably postpone my engagement as well--none of which I was able to actually listen to. My wedding date is now VERY QUICKLY approaching (nevermind what my profile says - trying to be anonymous here) and my affair has continued, and I have fallen even further for this 2nd guy. I'm still very much in love with my fiance, very, very much and don't want to hurt him at all and really do want to marry him. However, I am quite sure I am in love with the 2nd guy also. I kind of think you are all going to tell me the same things - to either end the affair or postpone the wedding (which seriously is right around the corner now). I contemplated postponing and have decided that is not what I want to do. Especitally now that it would be such short notice. So now my real question is what to do about this second guy. I feel like I don't have the will power to let go of him. I'm seriously head over heels for him. I don't think we have the kind of potential that me and my fiance have, but we have a connection unlike anything I've ever had with anyone else. We both keep talking about how we need to end it (he's married) but we both seem unable to do so nor do either of us really ever actually mean it. Please help, but realize, I need some damn good convincing. Thanks so much.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

<div>JIC.</div><div>
</div><div>I got nothin' OP. You know what you need to do. Put on your big girl pants and do it.</div><div>
</div>

ski2play · April 2012

Just end it (the affair). And just walk away, do not look back. Also, I am thinking a postponement of the wedding would also be a good idea, so you can get your head screwed on straight.

Megbo2012 · April 2012

You can't end your affair? Or you just won't? I'm guessing the latter.

baystateapple · April 2012

Please do your FI a favor and confess to him what you have said here. He deserves to know the truth and know who he is marrying before he makes that commitment.

As heinous as it is that you're cheating on him, it's even worse to let him go into this marriage thinking that you've been faithful, only to find out later that you have not been. And he will find out. I promise you that.

sparent2010 · April 2012

JFC. Well if your therapist helped you find the 'voids' the 2nd guy is filling why have you not talked with you FI about these voids?

You should end the affair and break things off with your FI. I really don't think you are ready for marriage.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2012

OP. You kow what you have to do. You just aren't willing to do it which is extremely unfair to your FI.

chelseamb11 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:a1457794-7f38-443d-9067-d11c27c53869">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]Please do your FI a favor and confess to him what you have said here. He deserves to know the truth and know who he is marrying before he makes that commitment. As heinous as it is that you're cheating on him, it's even worse to let him go into this marriage thinking that you've been faithful, only to find out later that you have not been. And he will find out. I promise you that.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

This. You are a horrible person OP if you go into this mariage like nothing is wrong. I'm not saying you have to leave your FI or even never marry him. But for his sake and your sake, you need to tell him, at a minimum. You need to go to couples counseling. You should not be marrying him unless you are 100% without a doubt certain that you want to be with him and only him for the rest of your life. You clearly cannot be that certain right now.

OBX2011 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:97aebe26-b208-433f-bcbe-fbba8d5aad15">can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]A few months ago I posted about how I was cheating on my fiance, and a lot of you gave me really good advice about how I definitely needed to end the affair and should probably postpone my engagement as well--none of which I was able to actually listen to. My wedding date is now VERY QUICKLY approaching (nevermind what my profile says - trying to be anonymous here) and my affair has continued, and I have fallen even further for this 2nd guy. I'm still very much in love with my fiance, very, very much and don't want to hurt him at all and really do want to marry him. However, I am quite sure I am in love with the 2nd guy also. I kind of think you are all going to tell me the same things - to either end the affair or postpone the wedding (which seriously is right around the corner now). I contemplated postponing and have decided that is not what I want to do. Especitally now that it would be such short notice. So now my real question is what to do about this second guy. I feel like I don't have the will power to let go of him. I'm seriously head over heels for him. I don't think we have the kind of potential that me and my fiance have, but we have a connection unlike anything I've ever had with anyone else. We both keep talking about how we need to end it (he's married) but we both seem unable to do so nor do either of us really ever actually mean it. Please help, but realize, I need some damn good convincing. Thanks so much.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

I have nothing to offer except I think you are a pretty rotten person to do this to your FI!

Why do you expect a bunch of strangers to convince you of something that you already know that you need to do?

I hope your FI finds out about this and blasts it out so that everyone knows what you are doing.

I walked in on my ex cheating on me, not once but twice, and it flipped my entire world upside down. I thought I was going to marry him. I vowed I would never trust anyone again.....until my H saved me in more ways that one can imagine. Don't do this to your FI, I beg you to break it off NOW! He will never be the same if he finds out the hard way like I did. Come clean and move on with your life.

RamonaFlowers · April 2012

Okay, seriously, OP?

It's high time you realized exactly what's going on here: you're not in love with your FI. You're in love with the idea of putting on a pretty dress and having a fancy party where everybody fawns all over how amazing you are.

If you love your FI at all break up with him, because right now you're being deliberately cruel to him. He deserves to be with somebody that thinks he is more than enough, and doesn't cheat on him because he doesn't give enough compliments. Continue on with your affair with the married man that you're so madly in love with and can't live without. And then don't be even the slightest bit shocked when at some point down the road you finally realize he's not leaving his wife for you.

midgetthemighty · April 2012

You are being extremely unfair to your FI. If you love him at all, you will end the affair and tell FI about it immediately. The truth will come out and he doesn't deserve to hear it through the grapevine. It needs to come from you and you need to be prepared for at least a postponement of your wedding.

MyNameIsNot · April 2012

You need to end the affair, confess to your FI, and postpone the wedding.

I get that you are too selfish to do that right now, but that's the only option.

Perhaps spend some time thinking about how your FI, that you "love" is going to feel when he finds out that you are not only cheating on him, but that you got up in front of your friends and family and took vows with him knowing that they were a total lie. Think about how your friends and family are going to react when they find out what you've done.

adamar15 · April 2012

You don't get both of them unless they both know it and are ok with it (I'm not touching the married man piece). You need to tell your FI what's going on. This is not fair to him at all.

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

I'm glad that YOU decided that postponing isn't what you want to do, but there are two people in this relationship. Your fiance get a vote after you've told him everything you just told us here.

My guess is HE won't want to continue with the wedding.

baystateapple · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:d3b60848-0d91-4a2b-b501-967a7f2d8ccd">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm glad that YOU decided that postponing isn't what you want to do, but there are two people in this relationship. Your fiance get a vote after you've told him everything you just told us here. My guess is HE won't want to continue with the wedding.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
Yup. All of this.

Your FI deserves to have the chance to make an informed decision about this. Before you get married.

bonge · April 2012

Wow. I am going to say this as best as i possibly can. You are NOT in love with your fiance. If you were you would NOT do this to him. You wouldn't have put yourself in that situation. Sometimes i feel their are voids in my relationship too & i lack willpower over normal things but never in a million years would i cheat on him just to "fill a void" if you have to do that then you should not be with him.

My fiance would be COMPLETELY devastated if he found out i was cheating on him & STILL married him while cheating. It would rock him to the core.

You are being completely selfish here. Put yourself in his sitation. How would you feel if you found out after you got married your husband had been cheating on you for a long time?

If he finds out you will head straight for divorce court & lose a lot more than you would if you just end it now.

lyndausvi · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:d3b60848-0d91-4a2b-b501-967a7f2d8ccd">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm glad that YOU decided that postponing isn't what you want to do, but there are two people in this relationship. Your fiance get a vote after you've told him everything you just told us here. My guess is HE won't want to continue with the wedding.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>Somehow I think postponing the wedding has less to do about her love for her FI and more about not wanting to be embarrassed. </div><div>
</div><div>Or she doesn't want to be alone if both of them drop her. The 2nd guy might only being having an affair because she is getting married. Meaning, he might think she is prefect because she isn't looking for any long term committment because she is involved with somoene herself and also has something to 'lose'. If she was 'single' then she might pose more of a threat to his life.</div><div>
</div>

Megbo2012 · April 2012

What do your friends think? I can't imagine that they are possibly reaffirming your decisions to lead on your poor unsuspecting FI.

mari0225 · April 2012

I have nothing else to add but the people above are correct, you are already going to break his heart when he finds out and he will. You need to come clean while you still have a chance, if you marry him and continue to be unfaithful you are going to betray every vow that you make to him, they will be completely meaningless. When you stand with them in front of your family and friends you are promising to love and honor him, and forsake all others.

OBX2011 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:015a04ad-74a1-43ac-b905-9b1dace4b59c">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : <strong>Somehow I think postponing the wedding has less to do about her love for her FI and more about not wanting to be embarrassed.</strong> Or she doesn't want to be alone if both of them drop her. The 2nd guy might only being having an affair because she is getting married. Meaning, he might think she is prefect because she isn't looking for any long term committment because she is involved with somoene herself and also has something to 'lose'. If she was 'single' then she might pose more of a threat to his life.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I agree 100%. It's one thing to come clean to your partner if you have cheated, but now that there is a wedding involved, families on both sides and friends as well, there is a lot to be embarrassed about here.

OP--you need to confess to your FI about this. If you have any ounce of love & respect for him in your heart, you will sit down with him and confess everything. Don't go into a marriage built on a bed of lies....pun intended.

KatWAG · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:015a04ad-74a1-43ac-b905-9b1dace4b59c">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: can't end my affair - help me? : Somehow I think postponing the wedding has less to do about her love for her FI and <strong>more about not wanting to be embarrassed. </strong> Or she doesn't want to be alone if both of them drop her. The 2nd guy might only being having an affair because she is getting married. Meaning, he might think she is prefect because she isn't looking for any long term commitment because she is involved with somoene herself and also has something to 'lose'. If she was 'single' then she might pose more of a threat to his life.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

This!!!!

I think you need to end both relationships. Neither sound like good healthy relationships. At the bare minimum, please give your FI all the information before getting married. I am sure he would have a thing or two to say about your lengthy affair.

redheadfsu · April 2012

You need to tell your FI today.

If you let the wedding take place without telling him you are basically committing fraud. He needs to have all the information to decide if he still wants to marry you. It is very unfair to your FI (1) continue the affair and (2) not tell him (even if you end it). You owe your FI the truth.

meg65 · April 2012

There's definitely a quote something to the effect of "If you ever have to choose between two people you love, choose the second person. If you truly loved the first you never would have fallen for the second."

You don't love you fiance. It will be hard, and embarrassing, to call the wedding off now, but if you ever really cared about him, you will do what is best for HIM, what is fair for HIM. You will live through being embarrassed. I promise.

mari0225 · April 2012

Also I hope you realize the chances of the guy you are cheating with leaving his wife for you are incredibly slim. So you really need to break up with both of these guys and figure out what's going on with you that you put yourself in this situation.

baystateapple · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:d46dad5b-25eb-40cd-ad08-8f7630df522d">Re: can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]There's definitely a quote something to the effect of <strong>"If you ever have to choose between two people you love, choose the second person. If you truly loved the first you never would have fallen for the second."</strong> You don't love you fiance. It will be hard, and embarrassing, to call the wedding off now, but if you ever really cared about him, you will do what is best for HIM, what is fair for HIM. You will live through being embarrassed. I promise.
Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]
I saw this somewhere else today, and I really think this is a lot of bullshit. There are plenty of people who have strayed from relationships, or had feelings for someone else, only to go back and realize that the first person is the one they should be with. Just because someone fell for someone second, doesn't mean that it's the right person for him or her to be with.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2012

OP = if you go through with this, you will be a dream come true for your husband's attorney. A friend had this happen to her where her husband was cheating on her with another woman before and after they were married. She literally took him for every red cent he had when she found out - and they always find out eventually.

Just do the right thing, be a grown up FFS and tell your FI why you have to end your engagement and call off the wedding.

angelsong21 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cant-end-my-affair-help-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8cc106e9-a862-4799-9012-57265225cbafPost:97aebe26-b208-433f-bcbe-fbba8d5aad15">can't end my affair - help me?</a>:
[QUOTE]A few months ago I posted about how I was cheating on my fiance, and a lot of you gave me really good advice about how I definitely needed to end the affair and should probably postpone my engagement as well--none of which I was able to actually listen to. My wedding date is now VERY QUICKLY approaching (nevermind what my profile says - trying to be anonymous here) and my affair has continued, and I have fallen even further for this 2nd guy. I'm still very much in love with my fiance, very, very much and don't want to hurt him at all and really do want to marry him. However, I am quite sure I am in love with the 2nd guy also. I kind of think you are all going to tell me the same things - <strong>to either end the affair or postpone the wedding</strong> (which seriously is right around the corner now). I contemplated postponing and have decided that is not what I want to do. Especitally now that it would be such short notice. So now my real question is what to do about this second guy. I feel like I don't have the will power to let go of him. I'm seriously head over heels for him. I don't think we have the kind of potential that me and my fiance have, but we have a connection unlike anything I've ever had with anyone else. We both keep talking about how we need to end it (he's married) but we both seem unable to do so nor do either of us really ever actually mean it. Please help, but realize, I need some damn good convincing. Thanks so much.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

<div>I really wouldn't say that there is a choice. <strong>You need to end the affair AND postpone the wedding.</strong> If you cannot be open and honest with your FI about this and both of you work through it, it's highly unlikely your relationship will not last. At some point, you are going to get caught. Imagine how he will feel, how devastated he will be when you finds out years from now that this has been going on for so long and you married him while you were seeing this guy. You think you'll devastate him now? Just think about the future. </div><div>
</div><div>If you can't make adult decisions, you honestly are not mature enough to go through with any marriage to begin with. You need to make a decision here and stop screwing with two peoples' lives like this -- it's not fair to either one of them. You need to make a choice between FI and the affair. One or the other, you cannot have both, and honestly you'll be lucky if you end up with one in the end. And then you need to be honest about what you've been doing and either work through it and make amends or just walk away. It is not fair, the position that you have put both of these guys in. And if I was your family and found out about this at any point, I'd be pissed, TBH. You're affecting many more lives than just yours, and your decision to pursue this affair is going to devastate more than just your FI.</div><div>
</div><div>Sorry to be so hard but seriously, you need to figure this out and now. Good luck.</div>

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