Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date!

avwalton · April 2013

Hi, I got engaged in December. Before we got engaged, my fiance and I decided that we wanted to get married on the midpoint weekend between our two birthdays which would be July 12, 2014. After out engagement, I told my family, chose my bridesmaids and started looking for a venue. We haven't put a deposit yet so there is no financial obligation, but I LOVE our wedding date and I've kind of just taken it as a set date!

The problem is... my sister, who is my Maid of Honor, is in an intensive weekend college program where she only meets a few select weekends of the year. She argues that she can not miss any of the weekends or she will be behind the equivalent of half the semester at a usual semester college.

I really love July 12th as our wedding date and anniversary. My other option would be to have the wedding in late August which is something I frown at the thought of. My fiance on the other hand says the wedding can be any day. And my mom thinks I'm being a bridezilla for not wanting to change the date.

What should I do?!!

avwalton · April 2013

Might I add... didnt bring this up until this past weekend, even though she has known our wedding date since December.

krizzo17 · April 2013

Why don't you like late August as a date? Typically, people pick a few dates, run them by their VIPs (I would assume it's important for you to have your sister there), and then narrow them down based on venue availability. Honestly, unless she wouldn't be able to make a great deal of the weekends in 2013 (and it doesn't sound like that's the case), I'd look for other dates that work for all of your VIPs.

vanityink · April 2013

I understand getting attached to dates, but really look at it: what matters more? A date you like but will have no finacial/logistical problems changing, or your sister's academic success/future based on a date she has no control over?

I think bridezilla is harsh, but I personally would change it.

Maggie0829 · April 2013

Well you have two options...
1) Keep your wedding date and most likely not have your sister attend your wedding
OR
2) Change your wedding date so that your sister will be able to come.

What is more important to you, having your sister there or the date?

PrettyGirlLost · April 2013

It's a choice between having your sister in and at your wedding vs an arbitrary date. . . if I were you, I'd pick another date. On top of that, I wouldn't set a date until you have a venue, because what if you find a to die for, must have venue, but it is booked on the date you picked?

winelover123 · April 2013

If you don't have anything booked, I'd change the date. Why don't you like late August? Your FI and yourself need to figure out which is more important - the date or your sister being there. Also, ask your sister to ask her professors if they'd let her miss one day. She may have some flexibility there depending on the professor. I'd have her ask first then make your decision.

lizap77 · April 2013

If the roles were reversed and your sister was getting married and you would either have to miss the equivalent of half a semester or miss the wedding how would you feel? It is really hard to find "the perfect date" that doesn't interfere with anyone's schedule, but seeing as she's your sister and MOH I'm assuming you do really want her there. If missing one class is really as important as you're making it sound, I would change the date. The date isn't what makes your wedding or anniversary special, it's the wedding itself that makes it special.

AJuliaNJ · April 2013

You should pick another date. I know the July 12 date sounds perfect right now, but once you've booked a date (any date) that date will become just as significant to you. It sounds like finding a wedding date that is meaningful is important to you. Did you select that date because you could spread out special celebrations through the year (you mentioned it is half way between your birthdays)? I feel you could still accomplish that by having it in August.

kmbryant2413 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-moh-wants-me-to-change-wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cee3537b-2ff2-4f93-98fe-2931438c8f9dPost:dc6263a3-8a06-4e43-b992-fd8f41c3f062">Re: Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date!</a>:
[QUOTE]You should pick another date. I know the July 12 date sounds perfect right now, but <strong>once you've booked a date (any date) that date will become just as significant to you.</strong> It sounds like finding a wedding date that is meaningful is important to you. Did you select that date because you could spread out special celebrations through the year (you mentioned it is half way between your birthdays)? I feel you could still accomplish that by having it in August.
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This.

</div>

Xstatic3333 · April 2013

I have friends in those types of programs and they can be very unforgiving. I would change your date. I'm on mobile so I can't see where you're from, but are your concerns with late August hurricane related? Other than that its a lovely time of year. I'd get a list of possible weekends together and use them when you shop for venues.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2013

Change the date. It is only a date. Your sister is more important.

I had to miss my grandfather's funeral when I was in law school because of attendance requirements. If one of my brothers insisted on a date that he knew would make me choose between his wedding and my grades/graduating/staying in the program, I would be pissed beyond hell and back at him.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-moh-wants-me-to-change-wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cee3537b-2ff2-4f93-98fe-2931438c8f9dPost:1a64ba98-f08c-4298-b566-6fbba9357f6b">Re: Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date!</a>:
[QUOTE]Might I add... didnt bring this up until this past weekend, even though she has known our wedding date since December.
Posted by avwalton[/QUOTE]

She may not have known her summer schedule until now.

MoonlightSilver · April 2013

We picked a random date, and now that I'm married I LOVE our date. It has absolutely no meaning, outside of "that's the day we married," but I love it.

If you really want your sister there, I'd change my date.

Also- consider this: if you haven't booked a venue, your date might already be taken, so this might not even be something you have to worry about.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-moh-wants-me-to-change-wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cee3537b-2ff2-4f93-98fe-2931438c8f9dPost:8bacb877-f85c-4c1a-9ff3-2c41b956f576">Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I got engaged in December. Before we got engaged, my fiance and I decided that we wanted to get married on the midpoint weekend between our two birthdays which would be July 12, 2014. After out engagement, I told my family, chose my bridesmaids and started looking for a venue. We haven't put a deposit yet so there is no financial obligation, but I LOVE our wedding date and I've kind of just taken it as a set date! The problem is... my sister, who is my Maid of Honor, is in an intensive weekend college program where she only meets a few select weekends of the year. She argues that she can not miss any of the weekends or she will be behind the equivalent of half the semester at a usual semester college. I really love July 12th as our wedding date and anniversary. My other option would be to have the wedding in late August which is something I frown at the thought of. My fiance on the other hand says the wedding can be any day. And my mom thinks I'm being a bridezilla for not wanting to change the date. What should I do?!!
Posted by avwalton[/QUOTE]

JIC

PrettyGirlLost · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-moh-wants-me-to-change-wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cee3537b-2ff2-4f93-98fe-2931438c8f9dPost:9bcf547e-1279-470b-8433-ba33ee11d4be">Re: Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date! : JIC
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Is your Spider Sense tingling?

DBarrois · April 2013

Change the date if possible..

TKzilla · April 2013

I feel like there's this new trend where every tiny aspect of your wedding has to have a special meaning, or some kind of significance. The fact of it is: it's your wedding day. It will always and forever be a meaningful day and date to you. Don't try to cram too much meaning/specialness/significance into it, the fact that you're marrying the love of your life is significant enough.

Peledreamsofrain · April 2013

Eh, it's just a date. Your relationship with your sister is a much more tangable and important than number.

aurianna · April 2013

Does she know for sure she'll have to meet that weekend?

If so... look at this from your sister's POV...

You give your sister over a year's notice of the weekends that you can't miss without acedemic/professional hardship.
And then, even though your sister has not picked a venue... has not put down any money what so ever... has no ties at all to that date other than liking how it falls on the calendar... she'd still rather make you choose between your academic future or her wedding day.
I'd be very hurt that she'd willingly make me sacrifice one of those two very big events (college or dear sister's wedding) because she'd prefer to get on a day that fell nicely between birthdays.
CWIM?

Now, if she doesn't actually know for sure on the date of the class; just that it will be in July, I guess you have a little more justification here... but if your sister is really so important to you, I would thinking you woudln't even want to gamble that she might not be available.

Where is her class? Is it far away from you?
Will your wedding be in LA?
Isn't LA pretty much ALWAYS nice? Even in August? Hell, even in December.

Good luck!

Maggie0829 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-moh-wants-me-to-change-wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cee3537b-2ff2-4f93-98fe-2931438c8f9dPost:6d0a83bd-5cd3-4885-b2fd-523c1c12c8ba">Re: Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I feel like there's this new trend where every tiny aspect of your wedding has to have a special meaning, or some kind of significance.</strong> The fact of it is: it's your wedding day. It will always and forever be a meaningful day and date to you. Don't try to cram too much meaning/specialness/significance into it, the fact that you're marrying the love of your life is significant enough.
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

I hate this new trend. It is your wedding day. That should be significant enough. Anything more just feels like overkill.

athomfor · April 2013

Is it possible that your sister could both attend class and your wedding on the same day? Say she has class from 8am to 4pm and then a 7pm ceremony?

hoffse · April 2013

Honestly? They day you get married should be the day that: 1) VIPs can attend, 2) Vendors are available and 3) your venues are open. That's it. Other than that you might be able to narrow it down by season, but getting super attached to a completely arbitrary date seems silly to me. I also really don't understanding getting attached to a date in between your birthdays? Is that important for some reason? Usually people get attached to arbitrary dates because they are "dating anniversaries" or "engagement anniversaries" or actual anniversaries of family members. I'm not understanding why the midpoint between your birthdays is special.

If I were your sister I would choose the college program and not your wedding. Sorry if that seems harsh, but her college program is her future. Your wedding is your future. That means that from her perspective, her future trumps yours when they conflict. And given that you don't have any deposits put down yet, it seems like a reasonable request for her to make. Obviously she wants to be there, and she is telling you that she can't unless you get over this random date you have picked.

Also? You haven't set a date until deposits are put down on venues. Given the popularity of summer weddings, I wouldn't be surprised if you're too late for July of this year anyway. It's only 3 or so months away. And invitations should be going out in 5-7 weeks for a wedding that is on July 12, so you might want to get on that.

[Deleted User] · April 2013

Change the date. Family matters more than a number

I get it - honestly I do. I really wanted to get married on our dating anniversary. We've always counted from our first date and I just thought it would be amazing to be married exactly 6 years from the first time we ever went out together. Well, lo and behold, our anniversary fell on Palm Sunday this year, which is a no-wedding day for a Catholic. I was pretty sad that we ended up having to move it to two weeks later. But getting married in the Church meant so much more to me and to my family than a number. Especially when, as others said, the number you end up with will end up being special for you no matter what. I know I now can't imagine any other date being our date, regardless of when our dating anniversary was.

So, it really comes down to what matters more? Your sister being at your wedding or a number which you've arbitrarily chosen as "the date"? I would think that unless your relationship with your sister is really really terrible (which it doesn't seem like from your post) she would definitely mean more.

TKzilla · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-moh-wants-me-to-change-wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cee3537b-2ff2-4f93-98fe-2931438c8f9dPost:d6c80f78-07fe-41c7-a745-78fcfde15e06">Re: Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date! : I hate this new trend. It is your wedding day. That should be significant enough. Anything more just feels like overkill.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>You know, I'm cool with adding little touches of significant stuff (we're considering serving Cold Stone Creamery ice cream because that's where we had our first date) but when it gets to the point where every. tiny. detail. is "super special and significant and meaningful" it gets annoying. I originally wanted to get married June 18th, because that would be our "half anniversary" if we were dating. Cute, right? Turns out June 18th doesn't fall on a Saturday for like SEVERAL YEARS so I scrapped that plan. I'm sure May 18th (chosen because it's the weekend after Mother's Day but before Memorial Day so rates were cheaper) will be just fine.</div>

misshart00 · April 2013

I agree with PP. it doesn't even seem like its a special date to you, like the anniversary of your first date, though I still think that's a little ridiculous. It's an arbitrary date because it sounds pretty. We also randomly picked our date. It has no significance to us, but now March 6 will always be important to us because its the day we got married. I vote change your date. There are 51 other weekends.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-moh-wants-me-to-change-wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cee3537b-2ff2-4f93-98fe-2931438c8f9dPost:c39e38a5-cf64-49ed-a756-0a95650db67f">Re: Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date!</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it possible that your sister could both attend class and your wedding on the same day? Say she has class from 8am to 4pm and then a 7pm ceremony?
Posted by athomfor[/QUOTE]

No.

She has class, why make her life more stressful than it has to be? Her sister can change her wedding date; she doesn't even really have a date because she hasn't signed any contracts yet.

ETA: Edited because original post sounded too harsh.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-moh-wants-me-to-change-wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cee3537b-2ff2-4f93-98fe-2931438c8f9dPost:b99003a6-bc91-4a5f-84fb-3c31ce990a61">Re: Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date!</a>:
[QUOTE] If I were your sister I would choose the college program and not your wedding. Sorry if that seems harsh, but her college program is her future. Your wedding is your future. That means that from her perspective, her future trumps yours when they conflict. And given that you don't have any deposits put down yet, it seems like a reasonable request for her to make. Obviously she wants to be there, and she is telling you that she can't unless you get over this random date you have picked.

Also? You haven't set a date until deposits are put down on venues. Given the popularity of summer weddings, I wouldn't be surprised if you're too late for July of this year anyway. It's only 3 or so months away. And invitations should be going out in 5-7 weeks for a wedding that is on July 12, so you might want to get on that.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

All of this.

daveANDkristen · April 2013

If you keep the original date that you're so in love with, do you expect your sister to miss her college classes that weekend? Or are you okay with her not attending your wedding? Assuming that her class meeting time is not flexible, it would be very selfish of you to expect your sister to let herself get that far behind in her schooling so that you can have your wedding on the date that sounds best to you.

Your FI has already said the wedding can be any day. Just be happy that you have not made any arrangements yet and that your fiance is being flexible to accomodate an important person in your family, as I hope you would for him.

athomfor · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-moh-wants-me-to-change-wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cee3537b-2ff2-4f93-98fe-2931438c8f9dPost:c2558ccc-3b68-44ee-9b48-6addc463fdb1">Re: Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister (MoH) wants me to change wedding date! : No. She has class, why make her life more stressful than it has to be? Her sister can change her wedding date; she doesn't even really have a date because she hasn't signed any contracts yet. ETA: Edited because original post sounded too harsh.
Posted by cmsciulli[/QUOTE]

What is the harm in trying to compromise though? If the wedding location and the sisters school are in the same town, everyone could be satisfied.

fuerst37 · April 2013

I'm with everyone else. Change the date. You have over a year to get excited about a new date. We weren't attached to our wedding date originally, but now adore it. You will too. P.s. I work for a school with an accelerated program, which is what it sounds like your sister is in. It's entirely likely if she skipped for your wedding, she could substantially delay her graduation/fail a course(s). You have a chance for both of you to be happy with where life is going--take it.

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