What is Plus-One Etiquette

AddieCake · July 2013

I knew I liked you, Kate.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

NYCBruin said:

What are your thoughts on step-mothers?

I love my step-mother. She's a wonderful person.

Simply Fated · July 2013

Barb, I'm sorry if I missed this, but why are engaged couples treated the same as married couples?

Dreamergirl8812 · July 2013

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

Hey NYU, is your real name actually Barb? I've never met a Barb before.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

Simply Fated said:

Barb, I'm sorry if I missed this, but why are engaged couples treated the same as married couples?

Because they have stated their intention to marry.

Other friends and family might be interested in meeting someone who will be soon joining the family, permanently. What do they care about meeting someone who is in your life temporarily and who you don't care enough about to marry?

I would go out of my way to meet my cousin's fiancé. Cousin's live-in boyfriend? Meh.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:

Hey NYU, is your real name actually Barb? I've never met a Barb before.

It's short for Barbara.

There's Barbara Eden, the actress.
Barbara Hershey, another actress.
Barbara Boxer, the US Senator.
Barbra Streisand, who is spelling-challenged.
Barbara Walters, the TV journalist.
St Barbara, the patron saint of the US Navy.

And then, the city of Santa Barbara, my birthplace.

aurianna · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:
OK.... enough about that.
(Yes, you're pro gay marriage. Do you want a cookie? I assume that's all since it doesn't make your argument any more valid.)

Let's return to the original situation. The host knows the groom's cousin, but does not know the groom's cousin's SO. Is that host obliged to invite the SO?

I say no. If they were married or engaged, then I'd say yes, there is that obligation.
(And we're telling you this is an imaginary obligation because there's no reason engaged couples would fall in this classification if it were in fact the only obligation. Which it is not).

If I am a host with unlimited funds, then yes, I'd say "the more the merrier". I would certainly invite all known-to-me social units, including married couples, engaged couples, dating couples, living-together couples, casually dating couples, whatever. I would also phone any known-to-me single people and ask if they are seeing someone they want to bring to the event.

Sure, with unlimited funds I would be happy to do that and have a grand and glorious party with a variety of fun people from all walks of life. I'd love to meet a bunch of new people who might end up being good friends later. Fabulous.

If I do not have unlimited funds (reality bites), then I have to make choices. I am not independently wealthy, and make choices all the time in all aspects of life with my pocketbook in mind. Do I buy the store brand or national name brand?

When drawing up a guest list for an event, such as a wedding, I know I have X number of seats. Invite more than X, then I'm over budget. Invite exactly X, then I'm fine.

So, I make a list that includes plus-ones, and count. X or under, great. More than X, now I have to cut.

Who do I cut?

You realize you're comparing your wedding guests to Kellogs vs Walmart brand frosted flakes, right?

Your reception is a thank you to your guests for coming to your wedding aka the celebration of your relationship. You don't thank your guests by separating them from their partner at a social event. You don't invite people to celebrate your relationship by completely disregarding theirs. Please tell me you understand how that could be rude to your friends and family?

And you're right. If you can only fit X you only invite X guests. That is still true. But you don't cut them the way you want to cut them.
If you have 20 seats and you have 20 couples aka 40 people... you don't invite half of each couple, rather, you invite 10 couples.

It does not matter if you know these people or not. Except in exceedingly small weddings, the couple does not spend all night long with any one guest, so in this case, you allow your guests to bring their partner if they have one, as that's the person your guest will travel with, eat with, talk to and dance with. Having their partner with them is the single easiest thing a host can do for a guest to make sure she'd have a better time than she otherwise would.

...And as a hostess that is your duty to your guests. The "OMG! I don't want to invite them if I don't know them!" defense doesn't hold up. That is not the attitude of a hostess who wants her guests to be comfortable, but rather the attitude of someone self-centered that doesn't realize it's not longer "MY DAY" once you start inviting other people to it.

Etiquette is about being polite to your guests.
Saying that a dating couple's relationship is not as important as an engaged couple would not be considered polite to your guest.
Separating someone from their most important person with the assumption that they'd rather fawn all over you on your wedding day is not polite to your guest (and also really arrogant).
Inviting a guest to a wedding full of dinner, drinks and dancing, but not letting the guest bring their SO who'd they'd eat, drink and dance with would not be considered polite to your guest.

Your obligation as a hostess is to make every guest feel comfortable. Don't have an unlimited pocket book? Well then it looks like you'll have to cut some other people from the list to make room for the SOs. Welcome to adulthood.

aurianna · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

Simply Fated said:

Barb, I'm sorry if I missed this, but why are engaged couples treated the same as married couples?

Because they have stated their intention to marry.

Other friends and family might be interested in meeting someone who will be soon joining the family, permanently. What do they care about meeting someone who is in your life temporarily and who you don't care enough about to marry?

I would go out of my way to meet my cousin's fiancé. Cousin's live-in boyfriend? Meh.

"Meh" is a good word. That's probably about how fun a wedding would be without my SO.

I'm beginning to see why you don't seem to care if you insult your guests or are a bad hostess. You don't appear to care too much about other people in general.

I was thrilled to meet my cousin's boyfriend last year.
And I was very thrilled to go to her wedding this year.
Because every married couple started out as a dating couple.

Simply Fated · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

Simply Fated said:

Barb, I'm sorry if I missed this, but why are engaged couples treated the same as married couples?

Because they have stated their intention to marry.

And, yeah, I know I have to take some professed "engagements" with a grain of salt. I know one couple who have been "engaged" for years. The chances of them ever actually marrying are pretty slim, in my opinion. I just think the woman prefers "my fiancé" to "my boyfriend" as she moves through middle age.

And then there was a woman I knew in college who wouldn't sleep with a guy unless she was "engaged". In one year she had, by my count, three different fiancés. I was nice to her, but in my own thoughts I considered her to be silly.

So even though you're aware that some engagements either aren't real or came about because of reasons other than love, their relationships are still more valid than an honest couple who refers to themselves as boyfriend and girlfriend?

Britney Spears's one day marriage to a friend for shits and giggles is more valid than mine.
I don't think it's possible to be any more offended than I am right now.

Barb, I think the problem is, you can't imagine anyone choosing to not be married. Like, to you, marriage is the next natural step. But that isn't true for everyone. Some people choose not to be married. At least, not to be married so soon. It's a fact of life that's becoming more and more common in 2013.

Engagements, to me, are just the period in a relationship when the wedding is being planned. The point between agreeing to start the marriage license agreement and signing the license. In other words, engagements can be broken. Marriages can end. To me, they are no more valid than anyone else's relationship. Marriages are more legal, but not more valid. Engagements are neither legal nor more valid.

WinstonsGirl · July 2013

Barb, I think the problem is, you can't imagine anyone choosing to not be married. Like, to you, marriage is the next natural step. But that isn't true for everyone. Some people choose not to be married. At least, not to be married so soon. It's a fact of life that's becoming more and more common in 2013.

I'll speak to this, cos it's so true. My Uncle has been dating his GF for 25+ years. They have no intention to ever get married (him, originally due to custody threats over his kid from Birth Mom, her cos she doesn't actually ever want to get married.) They don't live together and they never will. Yet by Barb's logic, they don't deserve to be invited together cos they're not that serious, which is bullshit. They are completely committed to each other, and have always been included in every social situation as a couple. I guarantee if one wasn't invited to an event, neither would go.

cmalork · July 2013

I agree with most of the PP. A SO is an SO. My FI (then bf) was not invited to a wedding because the couple did not know how serious we were at the time (the groom and I were friends from college and it has been a few years since we had seen each other). I went anyways (my FI was not a huge fan of weddings at that point), but the groom apologized so many times for not checking with me first. I did not make a big deal of it. We are not having "plus ones" for those that are single and for our friends that have SO's we have put both names in the invite. It's just the right thing to do and wasn't even a second thought. I would talk to your cousin and then go from there, but I would not go without your SO.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

wonderfully said @Simply! I want to thank you guys for helping me avoid a major mistake. Before these threads, I was a strong "married, engaged, or we're friends with both members of the couple" believer. Honestly you guys have pointed out how many VALID reasons there are behind including all SO's. I wasn't trying to be rude, I just never really thought about it and hadn't considered all the points you've brought up...so THANK YOU for helping me not offend my nearest and dearest...I could have unintentionally put them in very uncomfortable positions without ever realizing it.

Kate61487 · July 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:

Hey NYU, is your real name actually Barb? I've never met a Barb before.

This if funny to me b/c MIL and two of H's aunts are Barbs. It's almost as common as Pat (of which we know 6) among 60+ yo women I know...

ashleyep · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

Simply Fated said:

Barb, I'm sorry if I missed this, but why are engaged couples treated the same as married couples?

Because they have stated their intention to marry.

Other friends and family might be interested in meeting someone who will be soon joining the family, permanently. What do they care about meeting someone who is in your life temporarily and who you don't care enough about to marry?

I would go out of my way to meet my cousin's fiancé. Cousin's live-in boyfriend? Meh.

"Meh" is a good word. That's probably about how fun a wedding would be without my SO.

I'm beginning to see why you don't seem to care if you insult your guests or are a bad hostess. You don't appear to care too much about other people in general.

I was thrilled to meet my cousin's boyfriend last year.
And I was very thrilled to go to her wedding this year.
Because every married couple started out as a dating couple.

Ahhh, I can't get out of this box - I'm quite capable of going to weddings without my fiance (or boyfriend back when that's what he was) - I've done it a number of times. But ultimately that should be my decision to make.

keochan · July 2013

@KnotPorscha My first post in this thread has an unwarranted flag. the post was "Not meant as snarky at all, but you say you're a long time lurker but you made your account 30 minutes ago.
eta spelling"

If you could review it that'd be great!

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

I think it was rude to not invite your partner, and to send the invite to your parents.

However, I would not make a HUGE deal out of it. I would call the bride, and explain the situation. Inform her that you just moved in together, yay! and were hoping you could bring the partner. And take it from there.

I personally think not going to the wedding bc you don't have a plus one is a bit silly. Yes, the bride was rude to not give you one, but they probably have their reasons. This is a family wedding, so you could go with your family and be supportive.

Anastasia517 · July 2013

Barb, what about couples who do intend to get married but aren't engaged yet? My FI and I discussed getting married 4.5 years before we actually got engaged. We even exchanged rings, so it was well known. However, we didn't get engaged for years.

OP, I would have no problem calling up my cousin and asking about my SO.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

Anastasia517 said:

Barb, what about couples who do intend to get married but aren't engaged yet? My FI and I discussed getting married 4.5 years before we actually got engaged. We even exchanged rings, so it was well known. However, we didn't get engaged for years.

Well known? Exchanged rings? Congrats, you're engaged. What more do you want?

Anastasia517 · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

Anastasia517 said:

Barb, what about couples who do intend to get married but aren't engaged yet? My FI and I discussed getting married 4.5 years before we actually got engaged. We even exchanged rings, so it was well known. However, we didn't get engaged for years.

Well known? Exchanged rings? Congrats, you're engaged. What more do you want?

We weren't engaged though. Neither of us considered ourselves engaged, because we had no intention of getting married for years and did not plan a wedding. In fact, it would have been stupid for us to get married then (we were very young, still in school, etc). We were just committed to each other, like many people are for years before getting engaged. This isn't the good ol' days, where most people dated for a short period of time and then planned a wedding. I know others on here who mentioned that they were with their Hs for years before getting engaged as well (Stage, monkeysip, acove, etc).

keochan · July 2013

I was with fi for 6 years before we got engaged. I'd appreciate it if you would stop defining peoples relationships for them

Anastasia517 · July 2013

StageManager14 said:
Yep, I was with H for 4.5 years before getting engaged and we knew (and were pretty open about the fact) that we would be getting married eventually from about 3 months after moving in together. We didn't actually get engaged until we were ready to plan the wedding, then got married 18 months after the proposal. I didn't have a ring prior to being engaged though. That does seem to say "engaged" to me, but to each their own.

It was a promise ring, because we were a couple of long distance teenagers. We knew we wanted to get married someday, but we were smart enough to realize that doing so when we were barely legal to and uneducated was a dumb idea.

nicholssquared · July 2013

I do have to say that what the bride chose to do could be "acceptable" (but hardly the most gracious thing to do) or completely tacky, depending on which book of etiquette you use. OP, if you're offended that this was the decision made, that really does suck and I'm sorry. However, whether or not the bride made a good or bad choice on who to include in the invitation here really shouldn't play into it to much. She is the bride, and she gets to decide who to invite. You, as the invitee, should either accept to go by yourself, or decline. Since it offends you, I would obviously recommend declining. I wouldn't recommend, however, putting the bride in a position where she has to second-guess her choice. That's also rude and manipulative. Therefore, I would skip calling her and asking her to clarify the invite/asking if she would invite your S/O, and/or mentioning your S/O as the reason for the decline. I would simply RSVP no. If she doesn't know you well enough to know that you don't live with your parents, or that you have a significant other, I doubt you will be missed. If she doesn't have the budget to pay for both you and your significant other, then you will also be saving her money by not showing. It's a win-win. But don't manipulate her into inviting your S/O - take the higher road without putting any fault on yourself.

Good luck!

whiskeyglaze · July 2013

Dreamergirl8812, I'm mesmerized by the dancing puppy. What in the world is that from?

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

Just like many other posters, my (now) FI and I have been together for 6, going on 7 years. We have 2 children and own a home together. Heck, the only thing we're missing is the white picket fence and the words husband and wife. We both knew after the 1st year that we wanted to marry but the budget just didn't allow for it or an engagement (FI is very set in his ways and felt he had to get a nice ring). For someone to not give a damn about meeting him or me because we weren't "official" is insulting and wrong. Barb, you're reasoning is so off. You're either married or your single, according to most paperwork I've filled out. Very few times have I seen a box for "engaged." There are far too many variables and for you to put an arbitrary rule on couples is ridiculous. Just be gracious and invite couples together. I don't get why this is so difficult for you to understand.

SingleMom31 · July 2013

Lurking from the Bump as I'm now planning a wedding.

OP, please don't call the bride. While it would have been gracious to invite your significant other, the bride didn't. Your only choice as a guest is either to go by yourself or to decline. Since you're so offended, I'd pick the latter. It's no different than my calling and asking if my sweet daughter is invited - if the bride goes along with it for one person, how will the next person that couldn't bring their child (or date) feel? Trust me, I'd be peeved. If you don't believe me though, consider Emily Post's discussion of this topic: http://www.emilypost.com/social-life/invitations-and-announcements/155-uninvited-guests

banana468 · July 2013

SingleMom31 said:

Lurking from the Bump as I'm now planning a wedding. OP, please don't call the bride. While it would have been gracious to invite your significant other, the bride didn't. Your only choice as a guest is either to go by yourself or to decline. Since you're so offended, I'd pick the latter. It's no different than my calling and asking if my sweet daughter is invited - if the bride goes along with it for one person, how will the next person that couldn't bring their child (or date) feel? Trust me, I'd be peeved. If you don't believe me though, consider Emily Post's discussion of this topic: http://www.emilypost.com/social-life/invitations-and-announcements/155-uninvited-guests

Way to miss the point. Your child isn't a part of the social unit. It's not outrageously rude to extend an invite to you and your SO and omit your child from the guest list.

It IS unspeakably rude to invite only half of an established social unit. Calling to check on this gives the host one last out since the SO should have been included in the first place. Yes, it's technically rude but they may not have realized how awful they were being and this may be a quick thing to fix.

Simply Fated · July 2013

SingleMom31 said:
Lurking from the Bump as I'm now planning a wedding.

OP, please don't call the bride. While it would have been gracious to invite your significant other, the bride didn't. Your only choice as a guest is either to go by yourself or to decline. Since you're so offended, I'd pick the latter. It's no different than my calling and asking if my sweet daughter is invited - if the bride goes along with it for one person, how will the next person that couldn't bring their child (or date) feel? Trust me, I'd be peeved. If you don't believe me though, consider Emily Post's discussion of this topic: http://www.emilypost.com/social-life/invitations-and-announcements/155-uninvited-guests

You're not in a social unit with your daughter.

Also, Emily Post died and her children took over. She would not have agreed with most of what her children say.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

SingleMom31 said:

Lurking from the Bump as I'm now planning a wedding. OP, please don't call the bride. While it would have been gracious to invite your significant other, the bride didn't. Your only choice as a guest is either to go by yourself or to decline. Since you're so offended, I'd pick the latter. It's no different than my calling and asking if my sweet daughter is invited - if the bride goes along with it for one person, how will the next person that couldn't bring their child (or date) feel? Trust me, I'd be peeved. If you don't believe me though, consider Emily Post's discussion of this topic: http://www.emilypost.com/social-life/invitations-and-announcements/155-uninvited-guests

Perhaps your should lurk a bit more...

SingleMom31 · July 2013

I don't agree with the bride's choice, but nobody here knows why she didn't invite dates. Maybe she legit didn't know. Or, maybe she had 20 single guests and couldn't add 20 dates, and decided that she had to do all or none. Not a guest's place to question the motivation.

But, that's hardly the point. In this case, two wrongs don't make a right. So, she calls and scores an invite for her date (since really, how many people would say no when put on the spot?), what about the brides other friends who were told no and respected that? Now they're peeved. Trust me, I've been to more than one social event without FI, even when I was very clearly pregnant and we were clearly a "social unit"... She can suck it up for one night and hang out with her parents or other guests. Or, she can not go.

And yes, Emily Post has long since passed. But, the same rule is in her 1920s book, Etiquette. The basic social graces haven't changed since then.

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