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Etiquette

Can I request a gun-free wedding?

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Re: Can I request a gun-free wedding?

  • In Ohio the gun laws do allow you to carry your gun in public if you have a Concealed Carry permit except into establishments or on properties that have posted "No weapons allowed" or into establishments that serve alcohol.

    I would say check into your local laws first. If these type of rules apply in your area, if you are serving alcohol at your wedding, that would mean no fire arms allowed by law. And if they are legally carrying the guns around, they will know that it's against the law to bring the gun into the reception.

     When you check out venues, just tell them that you have several family who have carry guns and what are their policies about guns being brought in. If they say it's not allowed, ask them to please post a sign at the door (if they don't have one up already) stating this rule. If your BF family are adults and law abiding citizens, they will respect the rule and turn around and go leave their gun in their car. If they don't have any rules about guns, ask if they wouldn't mind putting up a sign stating no guns allowed inside the venue. This way you don't have to say thing directly to anyone.

  • edited July 2013

    @Skettiheadie - the state of Washington does not require a class to obtain a permit. 

    @starmoon44 - it is in no way "rude" to carry your firearm to a hosted event.  FI and I carry daily - just because we bring it with us doesn't mean we think you are a threat, but while on the road who knows what could happen.  I would personally rather have it and not need it, then need it and not have it.

    @xcalygrl - Washington doesn't have the 51% rule.

    @NYCBruin - point #1 - Many states do require background checks unless it is a private sale (even those states that allow private sale w/o one are limited) however in the majority of states an FFL is required to perform a background check - or adhere to a waiting period, so the "gun show" thing isn't entirely true.  point #2 - states which are open carry sometimes do not require a permit to carry open, however if you choose to carry concealed you do need a permit.  For example, Washington is an open carry state, however if you choose to carry concealed you need a permit. I live in MA and we have some of the strictest most convoluted laws you'll ever see.  I do not have the option to carry open, I can only carry concealed, and to obtain that permit I had to take a class, apply for the permit, and wait almost 3 months for it to be granted, and you bet your a** the state of MA will yank it first chance they get.

    OP - I think you can ask that they don't carry, but you cannot deny them their right to.  If they choose not to take your request then there really isn't anything you can do, they have the right to own and posses a firearm if they so choose.  I do suggest finding a venue that has a no firearms policy if it worries you this much and take the risk that some guests will not come because of it.   

    Last - I know you've stated you discussed this with your FI - however having such differing opinions regarding firearms will be a life long argument for your both.  When you have children, will you teach them proper safety and firearms handling?  Or will you shun them away from it making it that much more dangerous for FI to have one, and therefore potentially forcing him to give up his rights in order to keep his children safe?  These are big things to consider... its one thing to have differing opinions regarding opinions, it is totally different to have different opinions regarding items your posses, especially ones that can be deadly if you are ignorant in knowledge. 

    CLoGreenEyes[Deleted User]Ashleyz0814
  • astimmel said:
    This is seriously so simple. Think of it the same way as a non-smoking reception.  Is it legal? Yes. Is it dangerous to bystanders? Yes.  Is it rude to ask people to refrain from it? No.
    I disagree. Can you go so far as to ask the people who smoke to leave the pack of cigarettes in their car or at home and not carry it in their pocket? No. Just because they aren't using it doesn't mean they can't carry it. 

    Honestly OP, I think you are over reacting. First of all if you're not getting married for a "couple of years" I really don't think this is something to stress about now. Secondly, I don't know the people you know and I'm trying to believe what you say, but I'm skeptical about the lack of responsibility you claim these people have. I know A LOT of gun owners, and we are some as well, and any gun that is a semi automatic weapon (meaning you have to pull the trigger each time in a row) which is most handguns - you need a background check for to even have, and take safety courses. THEN if you want a carry permit, you need even more hoops to jump through. I just don't see *Most* people who go through all this to obtain guns legally for the purpose of self protection being all LA DEE DA lets just throw our guns on the table and see which kid wants to play with it first. If you are that concerned about it, don't invite these certain people, or as a PP said - have a dry reception.

    But in reality, I think most people would be responsible at a wedding with their weapon in the holster and locked as most people do on a regular basis at any outing. It's not your place to tell them not to bring them. However, you CAN check if your venue prohibits it, and then pass the word around. But agree with PP, you shouldn't lie if that's not truly the case.
    I'm not stressing, I'm just curious and wanted to get some input. I'm not actually planning for a wedding 3 years in advance. :)

    I completely understand. I like to get opinions and ideas in advance too like I said. I'm just saying this might totally be a non-issue by the time your wedding actually comes around.
    A friend of mine, who went through the background check and all of the training courses and had a permit and was trying to get into the police academy accidentally shot and killed his brother while cleaning his gun. Cleaning a loaded gun is basically rule #1 of what NOT to do as a gun owner, but accidents happen. So you'll have to forgive me for not agreeing with you that it's not a big deal.

    I don't like guns, I don't want them near me, and if I had a ton of guests drinking and just leaving their firearms on the tables at my wedding (which it sounds her guests are apt to do!!) I'd be pretty uncomfortable too. That doesn't mean I don't respect your right to carry, but on MY day (forgive me for saying that) I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that guests leave them locked in a car.
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  • @NYCBruin - point #1 - Many states do require background checks unless it is a private sale (even those states that allow private sale w/o one are limited) however in the majority of states an FFL is required to perform a background check - or adhere to a waiting period, so the "gun show" thing isn't entirely true.  point #2 - states which are open carry sometimes do not require a permit to carry open, however if you choose to carry concealed you do need a permit.  For example, Washington is an open carry state, however if you choose to carry concealed you need a permit. I live in MA and we have some of the strictest most convoluted laws you'll ever see. 


    I was just making the point that there are many situations where you don't need to have a background check to purchase a firearm.  While there are some limitations to the gun show example I cited, there are still private sales.  Not to mention private transfers (example: father gifting son with a gun).  Since these are private sales, no one knows what the percentage of sales these make up but it's certainly not an insignificant portion of sales.

    WA is one of the states that does not require a background check for purchasing a handgun FYI.  They also don't require a safety course to obtain a concealed carry permit and it is a "shall issue" state, meaning that it's basically automatic to obtain one.

    I'm not pro or anti guns.  I really don't feel strongly about them at all.  There was just a lot of misinformation flying around this thread.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • @addiel73 ; I think I just fell in love with you...that is the best cake ever. I wish I had it and I'd totally share it with you!

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    AddieCake
  • xcalygrl said:
    @BangBangs39 - thanks for clarifying. Having never lived in WA, I wasn't sure if they had the 51 rule or not.
    Not a problem!  I don't and haven't ever lived there - I'm just a gun nut ; ) and know a lot of the laws in a lot of states haha!!
  • astimmel said:

    We're not getting married for a couple years so this problem won't come up for awhile, but I'm still curious. Who's ready for a gun debate? I apologize in advance if this causes WWIII...

    BF's side of the family is extremely pro-gun. Most of his family members won't leave the house without one. I, on the other hand, am extremely anti-gun. All of these family members (it runs in the family. EXCEPT for BF, who's really the black sheep) are rowdy drinkers, quick to anger, confrontational, and careless with their guns (e.g., leaving it out in the open on the coffee table with small children running around). Because of that, I don't feel safe around them knowing that they're all carrying. Second amendment aside, I especially wouldn't feel safe or trust them if kids and booze were present.

    BF isn't nuts like the rest of his family, but he is pro-gun and he does carry. However, he knows how uncomfortable guns make me, and while he doesn't understand my POV, he'll support me if that's what I want and he'll deal with his family.

    Am I allowed to request this? And does their history of carelessness and the fact that there would be kids and booze change anything? I suppose one way around this would be to pick a venue that doesn't allow weapons on the premise so that there would be a legitimate reason to tell them no. Again, this is years away, I'm just curious.

    To the bolded: you're not engaged, don't worry about this stuff.

    In regards to the gun issue. My dad has a conceal and carry permit. You would never know he carries. I have a conceal and carry permit so if I need to carry a pistol, I can. I would never tell my dad "don't pack heat at my wedding because I don't feel comfortable around guns" but I'm not worrying/caring about that.

    Anyway to help in your "pre-planning" if your venue contract states that no firearms are allowed on the property, then you can spread it word of mouth. If the venue doesn't have a no firearms policy, you may be able to have the venue coordinator put an addendum to the contract just to cover your ass.

    Also, my dad gets rowdy, his gun-toting friends get rowdy. My dad used to show off his massive gun collection to his friends and hunting buddies in front of me when I was a kid. But you know what? I was told NEVER to touch a gun, shotgun, rifle, etc. Your BF's family was probably taught the same way I was.

    And if all of your BF's family are registred to carry a firearm, it's not an easy process (about damn near impossible in Connecticut now) to get a pistol permit. I had to go to an 8 hour course, have fingerprints, two background checks and a day spent at Dept of Public Safety. Good times.

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
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  • NYCBruin said:
    I was just making the point that there are many situations where you don't need to have a background check to purchase a firearm.  While there are some limitations to the gun show example I cited, there are still private sales.  Not to mention private transfers (example: father gifting son with a gun).  Since these are private sales, no one knows what the percentage of sales these make up but it's certainly not an insignificant portion of sales.

    WA is one of the states that does not require a background check for purchasing a handgun FYI.  They also don't require a safety course to obtain a concealed carry permit and it is a "shall issue" state, meaning that it's basically automatic to obtain one.

    I'm not pro or anti guns.  I really don't feel strongly about them at all.  There was just a lot of misinformation flying around this thread.

    Federal law requires a background check for any firearms purchased through an FFL, probably soon to change though as they are in the process of reviewing legislation that would require all ales and transfers to be subject to a background check. Also, FYI it is a shall issue state, however the laws state:

    "The right to have the license shall not be denied unless the applicant:

    • is ineligible to own or posses a pistol
    • Is under 21 years of age.
    • Is free on bond or personal recognizance pending trial, appeal, or sentencing for a felony.
    • Has an outstanding arrest warrant for a felony or misdemeanor.
    • Is subject to a restraining order or domestic violence action requiring the surrender of a deadly weapon."
  • NYCBruin said:
    I was just making the point that there are many situations where you don't need to have a background check to purchase a firearm.  While there are some limitations to the gun show example I cited, there are still private sales.  Not to mention private transfers (example: father gifting son with a gun).  Since these are private sales, no one knows what the percentage of sales these make up but it's certainly not an insignificant portion of sales.

    WA is one of the states that does not require a background check for purchasing a handgun FYI.  They also don't require a safety course to obtain a concealed carry permit and it is a "shall issue" state, meaning that it's basically automatic to obtain one.

    I'm not pro or anti guns.  I really don't feel strongly about them at all.  There was just a lot of misinformation flying around this thread.

    Federal law requires a background check for any firearms purchased through an FFL, probably soon to change though as they are in the process of reviewing legislation that would require all ales and transfers to be subject to a background check. Also, FYI it is a shall issue state, however the laws state:

    "The right to have the license shall not be denied unless the applicant:

    • is ineligible to own or posses a pistol
    • Is under 21 years of age.
    • Is free on bond or personal recognizance pending trial, appeal, or sentencing for a felony.
    • Has an outstanding arrest warrant for a felony or misdemeanor.
    • Is subject to a restraining order or domestic violence action requiring the surrender of a deadly weapon."
    I know all of that.  You just keep repeating that sales through an FFL require a background check.  I'm just pointing out that going through an FFL isn't the only way to obtain a gun.  I have at least three friends who are gun owners and did not purchase from a FFL and hence did not have to pass a background check (they would have passed, but that's not the point).  And I seriously doubt the law is going to change.  If they couldn't pass something after Sandy Hook, I don't think they're going to be able to pass something else.  

    And the shall issue law only applies to concealed carry permits.  Anyone can open carry.  

    Back to my original point, which others have echoed, not all gun owners are responsible.  Even if someone goes through a background check, just because you've based a background check doesn't mean you're a responsible person.  Even if they've taken a safety course.  OP has seen irresponsible behavior from these people, I don't think it's an unreasonable concern she has.

    To the poster who said that her father owned guns and she was taught never to touch a gun, I totally understand all of that.  I agree that the vast vast supermajority of gun owners teach their children similar things.  Unfortunately in OP's case, it sounds like there will be children at the wedding from her side of the family who have not grown up around guns and probably weren't taught similar things.  I would be very concerned about that.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • @bangbang. You have no right to bring a gun to a private event when the host has told you not to. The same way you have no right to attend my wedding in jeans, in your own wedding gown, or with 15 uninvited cousins. My making those demands may be rude, but you have no affirmative right to override the will of your host at a private party. The only right you have is to decline.
  • @nycbruin I didn't even think about that with her family and their kids. You know what's funny though? Even though I grew up around guns and was taught what to do and not to do, I remember in elementary school (mind you, this was a very liberal, anti-gun town) having one of the town's officers come in and basically scare the shit out of kids to not touch a gun. Do they even do that anymore? I don't have kids, but can anyone chime in? You would think now with all the shit going on the world, they would still be doing that.

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  • @nycbruin I didn't even think about that with her family and their kids. You know what's funny though? Even though I grew up around guns and was taught what to do and not to do, I remember in elementary school (mind you, this was a very liberal, anti-gun town) having one of the town's officers come in and basically scare the shit out of kids to not touch a gun. Do they even do that anymore? I don't have kids, but can anyone chime in? You would think now with all the shit going on the world, they would still be doing that.

    I don't have kids but I can tell you that I never had this type of "class" as a child.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • @bangbang. You have no right to bring a gun to a private event when the host has told you not to. The same way you have no right to attend my wedding in jeans, in your own wedding gown, or with 15 uninvited cousins. My making those demands may be rude, but you have no affirmative right to override the will of your host at a private party. The only right you have is to decline.
    1. Even in my state where Like I said its very convoluted - unless the establishment has publicly posted that there are no firearms allowed - I legally can bring it with me. Same as I legally have the right to wear jeans wherever, my wedding gown wherever, and bring my 15 cousins wherever.  Do you have the right to ask me to not do these things, absolutely, but you yourself cannot take the right away.  Yes your demands would be rude, specially since you are now infringing upon my rights, you can request, I don't have to listen.
    coopergirl15[Deleted User]Ashleyz0814
  • @nycbruin I didn't even think about that with her family and their kids. You know what's funny though? Even though I grew up around guns and was taught what to do and not to do, I remember in elementary school (mind you, this was a very liberal, anti-gun town) having one of the town's officers come in and basically scare the shit out of kids to not touch a gun. Do they even do that anymore? I don't have kids, but can anyone chime in? You would think now with all the shit going on the world, they would still be doing that.

    I definitely never had one of those classes, and not sure how I would feel about that - but my parents taught me how to properly handle when I was a little kid so that my brother and I didn't end up being a headline. 
  • I really hope the town I lived in thought that parents lacked that much common sense that they had to have a class like this.....

    FWIW, it's common sense to teach your kids that: 1) if something doesn't belong to you don't touch it and 2) if it looks dangerous it probably is.

     

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    PrettyGirlLost
  • I really doubt in any state you have any affirmative right to bring a gun into someone else's home or private event. Since, ya know, you have no legal right to be there at all. You might be allowed to bring it in legally, but if a host asks you to leave a private event for any reason whatsoever, and you don't, that's trespassing.

    Again- it might be super rude of me to make that demand, but you don't have the right to do it.
  • @harry87 I'm so glad someone else went through the same class! I thought I was going crazy for a second, I almost called my mom who's in Montana right now to make sure I wasn't making this up!

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  • @harry87 well at least you know not to spray yourself with pepper spray while wearing contacts!

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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited July 2013
    @buddysmom80 I think the other problem is even with if all kids have this class not all children will be in school yet.

    I agree that parents teach children not to touch things that aren't theirs and/or dangerous, but not everyone grows up around guns. If you don't know anyone who has a gun you probably aren't going to spend time specifically teaching your children to not touch them. Not because you're irresponsible, but because if you're never around them it's not something that you're particularly worried about since your children aren't exposed to guns. And even if you think it's irresponsible parenting to not teach a child to not touch a gun, that doesn't change the fact that a kid may pick one up.

    ETA to finish sentence.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • @nycbruin I never thought about that. I mean, my parents grew up in a rural area, kids went hunting at 10 years old, so guns were part of my life, I guess. I never thought about people who wouldn't think they would ever be exposed or have their kids exposed to a firearm. If/when I have kids, my firearms will be locked away and I'll have to teach them how to handle a firearm situation if they ever saw one. The town I live in now has a huge hunting community so it's not like they're never going to see one.

    @mrsridings061513 you make a good point. When I had my pistol permit class the instructor made it crystal clear that if you show that gun and not intend to use it for defense, you have a ton of problems. In Connecticut for example, if you end up having to use your firearm in self defense, if they determine the person (intruder) was shot in the back, you end up going to court. So if you want to defend your home, but better be prepared to shoot someone in the chest. Case in point: http://www.newhavenindependent.org/index.php/archives/entry/criscuolo_hwang/ granted this guy was being an asshole, but even showing that you're carrying a gun around here causes a big issue.

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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2013
    @bangbang. You have no right to bring a gun to a private event when the host has told you not to. The same way you have no right to attend my wedding in jeans, in your own wedding gown, or with 15 uninvited cousins. My making those demands may be rude, but you have no affirmative right to override the will of your host at a private party. The only right you have is to decline.
    @Stagemanager14, I think we have another apples to mack truck comparison here.

    Starmoon44, I have the right to wear whatever the hell I want to wear to your wedding or other such events, unless I am in direct violation of state and federal laws while doing so.  You as the host have no affirmative right to make any demands or override my choices in attire.

    ETA: Thanks to Starmoon, this thread has officially Jumped the Shark
    http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/jump-the-shark.gif



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    BangBangs39coopergirl15rajahmd
  • i married a police officer so we had guns at our wedding as we had several officers in attendance and some carry off duty some dont, but no one was irresponsible with them.  any responsible gun owner knows that you dont get drunk while in possession of a firearm, and here in MA the regs are very specific that your weapon must be under control at all times or you can lose your license.

    your best bet is to probably hire security and then they can report anyone they see leaving a weapon unattended or have your wedding in a gun-free zone.

    BangBangs39MayDay513
  • scribe95 said:

    Having said that I will humor you with a suggestion. Have a gun locker with individual compartments at the door and ask that weapons be checked for safety. They get the key and pick up their gun from the locker at the end of the night. Though again, I think you are calling attention to something that doesn't need to be.

    I actually really like this idea, scribe. I think they'd be much more willing to do that than be totally gun-free. Thanks!
  • @Skettiheadie - the state of Washington does not require a class to obtain a permit. 

    @starmoon44 - it is in no way "rude" to carry your firearm to a hosted event.  FI and I carry daily - just because we bring it with us doesn't mean we think you are a threat, but while on the road who knows what could happen.  I would personally rather have it and not need it, then need it and not have it.

    @xcalygrl - Washington doesn't have the 51% rule.

    @NYCBruin - point #1 - Many states do require background checks unless it is a private sale (even those states that allow private sale w/o one are limited) however in the majority of states an FFL is required to perform a background check - or adhere to a waiting period, so the "gun show" thing isn't entirely true.  point #2 - states which are open carry sometimes do not require a permit to carry open, however if you choose to carry concealed you do need a permit.  For example, Washington is an open carry state, however if you choose to carry concealed you need a permit. I live in MA and we have some of the strictest most convoluted laws you'll ever see.  I do not have the option to carry open, I can only carry concealed, and to obtain that permit I had to take a class, apply for the permit, and wait almost 3 months for it to be granted, and you bet your a** the state of MA will yank it first chance they get.

    OP - I think you can ask that they don't carry, but you cannot deny them their right to.  If they choose not to take your request then there really isn't anything you can do, they have the right to own and posses a firearm if they so choose.  I do suggest finding a venue that has a no firearms policy if it worries you this much and take the risk that some guests will not come because of it.   

    Last - I know you've stated you discussed this with your FI - however having such differing opinions regarding firearms will be a life long argument for your both.  When you have children, will you teach them proper safety and firearms handling?  Or will you shun them away from it making it that much more dangerous for FI to have one, and therefore potentially forcing him to give up his rights in order to keep his children safe?  These are big things to consider... its one thing to have differing opinions regarding opinions, it is totally different to have different opinions regarding items your posses, especially ones that can be deadly if you are ignorant in knowledge. 

    This part is actually easy - we're not having kids. :)  If I do end up squeezing one out, there will be clearly outlined limitations when it comes to visiting his family. I'm actually ok with BF having one in the house because he's responsible and he appreciates the potential danger and keeps it under lock and key.
  • astimmel said:

    We're not getting married for a couple years so this problem won't come up for awhile, but I'm still curious. Who's ready for a gun debate? I apologize in advance if this causes WWIII...

    BF's side of the family is extremely pro-gun. Most of his family members won't leave the house without one. I, on the other hand, am extremely anti-gun. All of these family members (it runs in the family. EXCEPT for BF, who's really the black sheep) are rowdy drinkers, quick to anger, confrontational, and careless with their guns (e.g., leaving it out in the open on the coffee table with small children running around). Because of that, I don't feel safe around them knowing that they're all carrying. Second amendment aside, I especially wouldn't feel safe or trust them if kids and booze were present.

    BF isn't nuts like the rest of his family, but he is pro-gun and he does carry. However, he knows how uncomfortable guns make me, and while he doesn't understand my POV, he'll support me if that's what I want and he'll deal with his family.

    Am I allowed to request this? And does their history of carelessness and the fact that there would be kids and booze change anything? I suppose one way around this would be to pick a venue that doesn't allow weapons on the premise so that there would be a legitimate reason to tell them no. Again, this is years away, I'm just curious.

    To the bolded: you're not engaged, don't worry about this stuff.

    In regards to the gun issue. My dad has a conceal and carry permit. You would never know he carries. I have a conceal and carry permit so if I need to carry a pistol, I can. I would never tell my dad "don't pack heat at my wedding because I don't feel comfortable around guns" but I'm not worrying/caring about that.

    Anyway to help in your "pre-planning" if your venue contract states that no firearms are allowed on the property, then you can spread it word of mouth. If the venue doesn't have a no firearms policy, you may be able to have the venue coordinator put an addendum to the contract just to cover your ass.

    Also, my dad gets rowdy, his gun-toting friends get rowdy. My dad used to show off his massive gun collection to his friends and hunting buddies in front of me when I was a kid. But you know what? I was told NEVER to touch a gun, shotgun, rifle, etc. Your BF's family was probably taught the same way I was.

    And if all of your BF's family are registred to carry a firearm, it's not an easy process (about damn near impossible in Connecticut now) to get a pistol permit. I had to go to an 8 hour course, have fingerprints, two background checks and a day spent at Dept of Public Safety. Good times.

    I'm not worried and I'm definitely not "pre-planning." As I mentioned before, I saw the recent post about excluding religion and this topic popped into my head. I'm just curious. :)
  • AddieL73 said:
    I would take a gun to a wedding. You know, in case I caught the bouquet and the garter catcher got frisky. 



    In that case, I would totally make an exception for you, Addie!
  • lalanslalans member
    100 Comments First Anniversary
    A bunch of people are making the point about "responsible" gun owners, but if the family in question actually behaves the way she describes, that's all out the window.  I mean, that's great if you and every gun owner you know actually is responsible, but even in a family home, if you have people actually "tossing" a gun on the table, or leaving it out around children, automatically these are not responsible gun owners.

    It could be that OP is just overly sensitive and doesn't like guns, so just knowing people carry could be enough to make her nervous, but it doesn't take all that much perusing around news stories to see the number of kids involved with accidental shootings to realize that there are a hell of a lot of irresponsible gun owners out there. If this family is irresponsible with guns and behaves in the manner described, which is blatantly irresponsible and probably violates laws at times, steps should be taken to protect children and other guests, just as there have been posts about not inviting known thieves to weddings to protect other guests.
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    [Deleted User]kipnus
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