Cash Bars - Everything you need to know in one place

grumbledore · September 2013

It's come up a lot lately, and I know a lot of new members aren't going to want to search through pages of threads to find an answer before posting a question for the 100th time this week...

Is it rude to have a cash bar? Yes.
Why? Because your wedding reception is a thank you gift to your guests for attending your wedding, and no one should be expected to pay for any part of their own thank you gift.
But, I can't afford to pay for all of my guests to drink! There is no rule that says you have to provide alcohol at your wedding reception. Yes, many people like to drink, but you are planning this thank you gift for your guests and you should plan what you can afford and host it graciously. If that means you serve a simple dinner and non-alcoholic beverages, that's okay. Just make sure that whatever you do serve is not paid for by your guests.
But, if people want to drink, shouldn't I accommodate them and allow them to get a drink on their own dime? No. Firstly, your guests should not be so rude as to expect anything specific at your reception, other than a meal (if it is a mealtime) or some refreshment (if it is a non-mealtime), so while I understand your desire to make them happy, this is not something that should even come up. If you are hosting your reception properly, your guests should not need to supplement what is provided with anything additional. We all need to be able to act like adults and expect other adults to act like adults.
But, everyone I know had a cash bar! Why shouldn't I? It it's normal, it can't be rude! We almost all know at least one couple that has done this. You shouldn't because you know better and it's so avoidable. Just because something is common, does not mean it is not rude. Tradition or commonness is not a good reason to be rude.
Okay, how about we have an open bar for cocktail hour and then switch to a cash bar? Or continue hosting beer and wine but switch to cash for hard liquor? This isn't a good idea. You want to avoid cash bars, as we already know, and you also want to avoid changing what is available and confusing your guests/making them uncomfortable. You want to avoid this because, remember, you are hosting this party as a thank you gift to your guests. Their comfort should be of the utmost importance to you.
But, I had a last minute change of circumstances and now I can't afford to host what I originally planned - surely my guests will understand! It sucks when plans change - when someone has an unexpected medical bill, a death in the family, a major car repair, anything that can set you back financially is an unneeded stress, especially when you are in the home stretch of wedding preparations. But take heart - what your guests will definitely understand is if you opt not to serve alcohol at your wedding due to a last minute change in financial circumstances. And if a guest holds this against you, the guest is being rude, not you.
But, it's not my job to get my guests drunk! I don't even like drunk people! Then have a dry wedding. Having a cash bar will not keep people from getting drunk. Just stop by a regular bar sometime for confirmation. Having a cash bar for this reason is insulting to your guests and a very poor excuse.
But, if I can't afford to host an open bar all night and I am not comfortable having a dry wedding, what other options are there? Luckily, there are other options. How many of these are available to you depends on your venue, so consider this at the very beginning when you are researching venues. If you are locked into a venue and have a change in financial circumstances, do everything in your power to get your venue to adjust accordingly. The options available to you are: hosted beer and wine all night, open bar without top shelf liquor, limited bar with specific options (say, a couple of beers, a couple of wines, and a couple of signature drinks or specific liquors with mixers). Whatever you choose, make sure it works for your venue and make sure there is signage posted on the bar with the available drink options so that your guests do not have to guess what is available.
Like I said, I'm not forcing anyone to buy a drink - it's up to my guests whether they want to open their wallets at my wedding! I know you aren't forcing anyone to spend money, but the problem is that it really isn't fair to flash something nice in front of your guests at their thank you party that you aren't actually offering. It's somewhat of a tease. Also, in a way, you're inadvertently making it so that your richer guests with more expendable income will be able to potentially have a better time at your wedding than the others. You really should give all of your guests equal treatment which stops happening when certain features of your wedding cost money.
Okay, I hear you, but I still think my reasons are special/circumstances make it okay/you don't know anything about me/etc. Listen, no one here can stop you from doing as you please. We're not the wedding police. We're just here trying to give and receive the best advice possible so that we all have great weddings and our guests have a great time and leave happy. What you do it ultimately up to you. There's no reason to try to justify rude behavior - if you insist on having a cash bar, so be it. But consider the advice above - it was written by someone who has no reason to lie to you.

(ETA an additional line of reasoning and response by suggest of @allispain)

KeptInStitches · September 2013

mrsbizzz · September 2013

@gumbledore rocks! Thanks for doing this!

cmelliott · September 2013

This is a good post. It eliminates the multiple threads of questions. However you might have to keep posting this every few months or so lol.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

*chanting* Sticky..... Sticky.... STICKY!!!!

Salsera29 · September 2013

*chanting* Sticky..... Sticky.... STICKY!!!!

WTF with the quote box? But I second this!

grumbledore · September 2013

I'm biased, but I think it would make an excellent sticky and potentially avoid some of the more bitter Etiquette board arguments.

@KnotPorscha?

doeydo · September 2013

cruffino · September 2013

but my situation is different....

happyfor25 · September 2013

Definitely should be a sticky! At the very least, @grumbledore, please save this so you can copy and paste it as needed.

dramamonkey · September 2013

Well written/thought out post.

Hope this gets a sticky so that it can help other people.

ashleyep · September 2013

I like the last point. This is the etiquette forum and we'll only recommend you do things that fall within good etiquette. But at the end of the day, whether or not you choose to follow them is up to you. Just don't try to argue why your way is acceptable.

I can tell you I'm doing something that isn't proper etiquette, but I keep it to myself and don't try to reason it here on the boards, because I know it's not the "right" way to do things.

grumbledore · September 2013

ashleyep said:

I like the last point. This is the etiquette forum and we're only recommend you do things that fall within good etiquette. But at the end of the day, whether or not you choose to follow them is up to you. Just don't try to argue why your way is acceptable.

I can tell you I'm doing something that isn't proper etiquette, but I keep it to myself and don't try to reason it here on the boards, because I know it's not the "right" way to do things.

Exactly. If you make a choice, own it, but don't try to convince everyone that it's polite.

Swazzle · September 2013

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

Swazzle said:

quoted for double the sexy.

Peaseblossom55 · September 2013

@swazzle I love it!

yes this needs to be a sticky!

grumbledore · September 2013

Swazzle said:

quoted for double the sexy.

I had to triple it. He is a god among men.

Swazzle · September 2013

*takes a bow for providing the eye candy*

grumbledore · September 2013

To add to this just a little bit - we are on a very tight budget for our wedding. So we are budgeting accordingly - food and alcohol come first, then the venue cost including rentals, then music (we have some good connections in this area so we are lucky on that), then everything else.

If alcohol is an important part of the atmosphere you want to create, then you have to plan for it. If you don't plan for it, you are making a grave error and it is not okay to pass that error on to your guests as a cost.

Jen4948 · September 2013

Sticky, sticky, sticky!

GypsyWife_ · September 2013

grumbledore said:
To add to this just a little bit - we are on a very tight budget for our wedding. So we are budgeting accordingly - food and alcohol come first, then the venue cost including rentals, then music (we have some good connections in this area so we are lucky on that), then everything else.

If alcohol is an important part of the atmosphere you want to create, then you have to plan for it. If you don't plan for it, you are making a grave error and it is not okay to pass that error on to your guests as a cost.

This is great!!! I'm doing this now too.

FutureMrsN3312 · September 2013

grumbledore · September 2013

I think it's usually an issue of priorities - a bride wants an expensive dress or flowers and then later remembers that the guests may want to have a drink and panics.

To use the dinner party analogy again - if you are having people over for dinner, presumably you plan the location, meal and drinks before you decide what to wear. Do that with your wedding and things will go much more smoothly.

OjitosVerdes · September 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

*chanting* Sticky..... Sticky.... STICKY!!!!

This .... This .... THIS!!!!

allispain · September 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

*chanting* Sticky..... Sticky.... STICKY!!!!

This.

doeydo said:

And this.

Swazzle said:

With a triple serving of this.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

grumbledore · September 2013

Yum.

mommapizano · September 2013

@ grumbledore I totally agree with you! Food and drinks for our guests were our top priority too. We chose our venue based on the menu they could give us and because we wanted to have a great experience for our guests. We have cut in other areas (limited guest list) to host the event the way we want to.

WinstonsGirl · September 2013

Love love love!!!

SP29 · September 2013

Great post.

Sticky!!

What really made sense to me, in terms of explaining etiquette (as I've seen lots of non-etiquette practices I thought were fine), is to treat your guests how you would in your home.

Would you invite guests over for dinner then tell them they can have wine if they pay for it? No. If you can afford to provide your guests with wine, you do. If you can't afford it, you don't even offer it.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

Someone needs to comment on this post every other day so it's always on the first page.

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