Wedding Etiquette Forum

Cash Bars - Everything you need to know in one place

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Re: Cash Bars - Everything you need to know in one place

  • I wasn't trying to argue that it's okay for us to be rude. I don't think anyone was rude on this post, but yes, I agree that saying, "You fucking idiot! What the fuck is wrong with you that you'd have a cash bar?!?!" isn't okay. 

    The regulars here get the same questions, over and over and over and over again. Lots of them several times a week and sometimes more than once a day. This can cause some people to get a little short. I don't think this is okay, but it happens. And to me, harsh and rude aren't necessarily synonymous. 
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  • pengwinnpengwinn member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited September 2013
    PDKH said:

    But where do you see "etiquette-breaking rudeness"? You brought up people being rude on an etiquette board. I'm just asking for an example. 

    If you say, "You're hideous in your dress." -Rude. 
    If you say, "The dress just isn't flattering on you." Blunt honesty. 
    If you say, "Only idiots have cash bars." - Rude. 
    If you say, "Cash bars are tacky and poor etiquette." Blunt honesty. 


    My mistake in using harsh and rude as a synonym, ShesSoCold.
    There's no example because again I said I didn't see etiquette breaking rudeness here at all! Just wanted to say what I thought. I didn't mean to get off topic - I'll stop cluttering this posting. Haha
  • No problem, Pengwinn. I agree with you (except the cash bar part). :) 
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  • Well right or wrong, I'm only serving alcohol (open bar) during the cocktail hour. My venue is a museum. The ceremony will be held outside in front of a fountain. And the reception will be inside the building in a hall. Walking the museum for an hour is included in the cost of the venue, but we can't carry around food our drinks. So I figure I'll have an hour for cocktails outside and an hour for exhibits inside, that way we can take the pictures and then mingle with guest. It ilimmadates a receiving line altogether. Sweet tea and lemonaid will be served with dinner.
  • There r rules to follow...correct. But there also peoples personal lives to deal with too. I went to a wedding last May where the couple had a cocktail hour. They laid out fruit and Chesse with 1 signature drink that they paid for. Any other type of alcoholic drinks that the guest wanted they had to pay for themselves. Now I didn't think that was rude of them. They provided a product of their choosing and if guest wanted something else, they paid for it on their own. Personally I don't see anything wrong with a cash bar as long as the guest know what to expect before hand like including "cash bar" somewhere on the invite. Some guest take advantage of open bars by over drinking and then driving home. I don't want that worry on my mind once my guest leave, so I decided to only serve alcohol during my cocktail hour. My bar will be completely closed once dinner service starts, and there will be enough time for the drunkies to sober up. If that's tacky then so it. Rules r made to broken, but I believe in comparmise.
  • cidefi said:
    There r rules to follow...correct. But there also peoples personal lives to deal with too. I went to a wedding last May where the couple had a cocktail hour. They laid out fruit and Chesse with 1 signature drink that they paid for. Any other type of alcoholic drinks that the guest wanted they had to pay for themselves. Now I didn't think that was rude of them. They provided a product of their choosing and if guest wanted something else, they paid for it on their own. Personally I don't see anything wrong with a cash bar as long as the guest know what to expect before hand like including "cash bar" somewhere on the invite. Some guest take advantage of open bars by over drinking and then driving home. I don't want that worry on my mind once my guest leave, so I decided to only serve alcohol during my cocktail hour. My bar will be completely closed once dinner service starts, and there will be enough time for the drunkies to sober up. If that's tacky then so it. Rules r made to broken, but I believe in comparmise.

    The whole open bar = drunken idiots argument is false. If people want to get that hammered, they'll do so with or without an open bar. And people can still choose to drive home drunk after a cash bar as well. You alleviate the majority of this issue by having a licensed bartender. And if you are truly worried about people driving drunk then you have a dry wedding.

    And do not ever, I repeat, EVER, put "cash bar" or similar on an invitation. Cash bars are rude to your guests. If you're gonna have one so be it. But don't try to claim it's a compromise. Just own the fact that you're choosing to be rude to your guests. Just own it.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • The last wedding I went to had a open cocktail hour and then converted to cash bar. It was also the drunkest wedding I have ever been to. Me and FI had to drive home so I only had two glasses of wine, but people RUSHED to get the free drinks, and had 3 or 4 at a time. I think that's why everyone was so drunk

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  • The last wedding I went to had a open cocktail hour and then converted to cash bar. It was also the drunkest wedding I have ever been to. Me and FI had to drive home so I only had two glasses of wine, but people RUSHED to get the free drinks, and had 3 or 4 at a time. I think that's why everyone was so drunk
    Wow, people were able to get drunk and be irresponsible even without an open bar?  

    Sacre bleu!  C'est impossible!

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  • cidefi said:
    There r rules to follow...correct. But there also peoples personal lives to deal with too. I went to a wedding last May where the couple had a cocktail hour. They laid out fruit and Chesse with 1 signature drink that they paid for. Any other type of alcoholic drinks that the guest wanted they had to pay for themselves. Now I didn't think that was rude of them. They provided a product of their choosing and if guest wanted something else, they paid for it on their own. Personally I don't see anything wrong with a cash bar as long as the guest know what to expect before hand like including "cash bar" somewhere on the invite. Some guest take advantage of open bars by over drinking and then driving home. I don't want that worry on my mind once my guest leave, so I decided to only serve alcohol during my cocktail hour. My bar will be completely closed once dinner service starts, and there will be enough time for the drunkies to sober up. If that's tacky then so it. Rules r made to broken, but I believe in comparmise.
    This argument always makes me laugh.  I know some guys (friends of friends) who can throw back enough alcohol in an hour to be tanked the rest of the night.  They just stock up during cocktail hour and drink them through the rest of the night.  They are never sober by the end of the night.  

    Strangely enough, we had a full open bar all night and no one was drunk.  A couple tipsy, yes, but no one was drunk.  Hire a qualified bartender for the night.  It's their job to determine if your guests should be cut off.  

  • I always go back to the example someone used that you should treat your guests at your reception the way you would treat guests in your home. I would never invite guests to my home and tell them that they may have soda for free but if they would like beer/wine/other alcohol they need to pay for it. Or offer one glass of alcohol for free but then they have today for it if they want a second glass. It is just basic courtesy. I would be offended if I went to someone's house and had today for alcohol so I would never do that to guests at our wedding.
  • This argument always makes me laugh.  I know some guys (friends of friends) who can throw back enough alcohol in an hour to be tanked the rest of the night.  They just stock up during cocktail hour and drink them through the rest of the night.  They are never sober by the end of the night.  

    Strangely enough, we had a full open bar all night and no one was drunk.  A couple tipsy, yes, but no one was drunk.  Hire a qualified bartender for the night.  It's their job to determine if your guests should be cut off.  
    This.  I actually attribute it to learning how to pregrame before going out to a bar in college.  I used to do the same thing.  Since I knew I couldn't drink once at the bar, I got really good at the incredibly dangerous practice of getting drunk enough before leaving to have a buzz all night.  I feel like the same logic applies to a converting bar.  If people can leisurely enjoy drinks all night, you're far less likely to end up having people down drinks quickly.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • I really don't understand how so many people think that cash bars are okay.  Is having a cash buffet okay as well?  Or how about having cash appetizers ($1/app).  I mean seriously people.  Don't have your guests pay for anything.  Period.  Drinks are no different then food.  If you aren't making your guests pay for their meal then why do you think it is okay to make your guests pay for their own drinks.  This debate seriously boggles my mind.

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  • banana468 said:
    I just don't get why alcohol is such a negotiable afterthought and I don't understand why it isn't budgeted from the start.
    This x10000.  How was it ever an afterthought in your budget?  If you want a dry wedding, have a dry wedding.  If you enjoy alcohol and want it at your wedding, why isn't it budgeted for like anything else?  
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2013
    NYCBruin said:
    This x10000.  How was it ever an afterthought in your budget?  If you want a dry wedding, have a dry wedding.  If you enjoy alcohol and want it at your wedding, why isn't it budgeted for like anything else?  
    Exactly!  I couldn't love this enough.  The very first things I considered were:

    1)  How much will it cost to feed everyone?
    2)  How much will it cost to have the bar open?

    Every other decision is being made with these in mind first.

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  • NYCBruin said:

    This x10000.  How was it ever an afterthought in your budget?  If you want a dry wedding, have a dry wedding.  If you enjoy alcohol and want it at your wedding, why isn't it budgeted for like anything else?  

    Exactly! I opted not to start the tangent on the dry RD thread but I don't get why the couple didn't think of their budget for the RD when they did things like choose their wedding party. Unless there are incidents that hit your wallet, these shouldn't be surprises.

  • cidefi said:
    There r rules to follow...correct. But there also peoples personal lives to deal with too. I went to a wedding last May where the couple had a cocktail hour. They laid out fruit and Chesse with 1 signature drink that they paid for. Any other type of alcoholic drinks that the guest wanted they had to pay for themselves. Now I didn't think that was rude of them. They provided a product of their choosing and if guest wanted something else, they paid for it on their own. Personally I don't see anything wrong with a cash bar as long as the guest know what to expect before hand like including "cash bar" somewhere on the invite. Some guest take advantage of open bars by over drinking and then driving home. I don't want that worry on my mind once my guest leave, so I decided to only serve alcohol during my cocktail hour. My bar will be completely closed once dinner service starts, and there will be enough time for the drunkies to sober up. If that's tacky then so it. Rules r made to broken, but I believe in comparmise.

    EW! What a tacky, rude and horrible way to talk about your guests!
  • If you're worried about your guests drinking and driving, you should probably have a dry wedding. 

    I would never dream of having a cash bar. I have a budget too. I'd love to have an expensive dress, large centerpieces for each table, expensive flowers. But I'm forgoing things like that so I can provide good food and drinks. 
  • ClimbingBrideNY said: If you're worried about your guests drinking and driving, you should probably have a dry wedding. 
    I would never dream of having a cash bar. I have a budget too. I'd love to have an expensive dress, large centerpieces for each table, expensive flowers. But I'm forgoing things like that so I can provide good food and drinks.  Amen to the bolded.  Cuts should be made to things that have no effect on the guests
    first, not last.  Cutting food and drink while spending on expensive dress, decor, and other stuff that has no effect on the guests is just rude and inconsiderate.

    Almost everyone wants things they can't afford - budget for the stuff you need first, then add what you can.

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  • Exactly!  I couldn't love this enough.  The very first things I considered were:

    1)  How much will it cost to feed everyone?
    2)  How much will it cost to have the bar open?

    Every other decision is being made with these in mind first.
    All of this is some of the best insight I have seen on these boards.

    Seriously it seems like so many brides that get themselves into this pickle are guilty of some piss poor planning (and budgeting).  It's like they are doing everything backwards.

    Proper and most logical way to plan:

    Determine your budget.
    Explore your venue and options to PROPERLY host - food, drinks, etc. - and see what number of guests that allows you to invite.
    Then determine guest list based on that number.

    All of this "oh well our guest list got out of control so now we have to make cuts" ALWAYS comes at the expense of the guests (quite literally).  It's horribly rude and inconsiderate.  Your guests are there to witness and support your marriage, not to subsidize for your lack of planning and selfishness.

    People ALWAYS have the option to properly host.  They just choose not to.
  • @MGP exactly!  Like someone said earlier - not everyone will get offended if you break etiquette - but no one will if you don't.  These "problems" so many brides/couples run into are almost always avoidable and due to poor planning.

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  • Amyliz1215Amyliz1215 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2013
    Exactly. We picked our venue based on the price of dinner + 4 hrs of open bar. It's house brands, but it's free for our guests. I would never even think about asking our guests to pay for a drink at our wedding. Our budget isn't huge - but we prioritized and made it work. We are not having a lot of flowers so that we can afford to host our guests properly. It's not that hard to figure out.

  • I always go back to the example someone used that you should treat your guests at your reception the way you would treat guests in your home. I would never invite guests to my home and tell them that they may have soda for free but if they would like beer/wine/other alcohol they need to pay for it. Or offer one glass of alcohol for free but then they have to pay for it if they want a second glass. It is just basic courtesy. I would be offended if I went to someone's house and had today for alcohol so I would never do that to guests at our wedding.
    So they give the guests a little free taste and then they start charging.  Just like cocaine!  That is seriously the first thing that popped into my head today reading about offering alcohol for free during cocktail hour then charging the rest of the night.

    I got a cheaper dress than I originally planned on and I never did want much for centerpieces.  We had bowls of water with vase gems in the bottom and floating candles.  Not one of our guests were offended that we didn't have hugely expensive flower arrangements instead.  Might've been because they were too busy enjoying the awesome food we picked out and drinking the free wine and beer that we budgeted for....
  • I might have missed this, so I very much apologize if this is redundant to what all has been stated (please don't kill me)

    If you have worries about specific invitees, but do not want to punish everyone with a dry wedding- is it okay to have a cocktail hour with wine, beer, and some signature drinks, then have just wine or something for a toast during dinner?  I know people are going to get drunk if they want to, but we also know what those few specific people will and won't get drunk on, and our signature drink was going to be very carefully planned around that knowledge.  Would having more limited selections during dinner than cocktail hour be bad form?
  • nicolea19 said:
    I might have missed this, so I very much apologize if this is redundant to what all has been stated (please don't kill me)

    If you have worries about specific invitees, but do not want to punish everyone with a dry wedding- is it okay to have a cocktail hour with wine, beer, and some signature drinks, then have just wine or something for a toast during dinner?  I know people are going to get drunk if they want to, but we also know what those few specific people will and won't get drunk on, and our signature drink was going to be very carefully planned around that knowledge.  Would having more limited selections during dinner than cocktail hour be bad form?
    It's really not appropriate to try to control people's drinking or your costs by limiting the bar at specific times.  It's okay to have a limited selection of drinks available, but if you do this, then the limited drinks are what should be served throughout the whole event-not just at dinner but at cocktail hour and after dinner as well.
  • nicolea19 said:
    I might have missed this, so I very much apologize if this is redundant to what all has been stated (please don't kill me)

    If you have worries about specific invitees, but do not want to punish everyone with a dry wedding- is it okay to have a cocktail hour with wine, beer, and some signature drinks, then have just wine or something for a toast during dinner?  I know people are going to get drunk if they want to, but we also know what those few specific people will and won't get drunk on, and our signature drink was going to be very carefully planned around that knowledge.  Would having more limited selections during dinner than cocktail hour be bad form?
    Just read the thread. The rest of us did.



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  • Jen4948 said:
    It's really not appropriate to try to control people's drinking or your costs by limiting the bar at specific times.  It's okay to have a limited selection of drinks available, but if you do this, then the limited drinks are what should be served throughout the whole event-not just at dinner but at cocktail hour and after dinner as well.
    I agree with this.  It's up to the adults present to act like adults.  However, you can always let your bartender know if someone tends to be a problem drinker (without the person knowing of course) - a professional bartender should be able to keep an eye on any potential problems and cut people off as necessary.

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