Potluck dinner at reception AND a wedding registry?

NYCBruin · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

Most brides are at least 18 years old so most brides are adults so your argument does not have merit. In some states you are allowed to marry at 16 and I know of a 13 year old who got married, but most brides in the US are adults.
The parents usually pay for the wedding because the bride and groom have not worked long enough to save up the money for a wedding. There is nothing in the original post to suggest the age of the bride and groom. Is she 18, 21, we don't know.
With regard to the issue of an orphan, there are so many scenarios that could come into play that situation that I will not go there.
As for who's responsibility it is to pay for the wedding, your opinion is noted, but that is a decision made by the families involved and none of your business.

You still haven't answered why the couple's lack of funds make it the parents' responsibility to pay. Are my parents bad parents because they aren't footing the bill for my entire wedding?

I'm making the choice to get married. I am the one making vows. My parents don't have anything to do with my decision to get married. Why should they have to pay for my choices?

wilson24019 · November 2013

Certainly your parents are not bad parents for not paying. Each family will make that decision. If you are having a formal wedding and are able to pay for it yourself, then you are very fortunate, especially in this economy. However, I do not think that gives you the right to bash other brides who are not as fortunate as you and cannot afford what you can.

Rules of etiquette are living and breathing things. They have to change - for example, 30 years ago, there was no email etiquette because there was no e-mail. They are also very culturally loaded. By ridiculing brides who do not do things by the book, you may be insulting the practices of their families.

Let me give you an example. In my family, we tend to do cake and punch. Serving alcohol at the affair would have been very insulting and your probably would have been considered either a heathen or someone with a drinking problem. In other words, in our family having a champaign toast would be a breach of etiquette regardless of what the book says. Strapless dresses or lots of cleavage in a church never would fly either. That would be very offensive and a massive breach of etiquette. Those are the values of my family. I don't go on line beating people up side the head declaring that those are the correct values that everyone must follow.

As far as potlucks are concerned, there are some families who just live for a reason to get together and have a pot luck. Whether it is a relative in town, a birthday, or a wedding, these ladies live to cook. Who are you, or I to say that tradition is bad?

As for whether it is the responsibility of the parents to pay for the wedding....no it is not a responsibility, it is just a tradition......just like those things in the etiquette book.

MobKaz · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

One more thing, if you check your books, you will see that hosting the wedding and reception is the responsibility of the bride's PARENTS. Therefore, quit bashing the bride. If you want to bash someone, which you obviously do, bash the family for not providing the bride with a wedding that meets your expectations.

NYCBruin · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

Certainly your parents are not bad parents for not paying. Each family will make that decision. If you are having a formal wedding and are able to pay for it yourself, then you are very fortunate, especially in this economy. However, I do not think that gives you the right to bash other brides who are not as fortunate as you and cannot afford what you can.
Rules of etiquette are living and breathing things. They have to change - for example, 30 years ago, there was no email etiquette because there was no e-mail. They are also very culturally loaded. By ridiculing brides who do not do things by the book, you may be insulting the practices of their families.
Let me give you an example. In my family, we tend to do cake and punch. Serving alcohol at the affair would have been very insulting and your probably would have been considered either a heathen or someone with a drinking problem. In other words, in our family having a champaign toast would be a breach of etiquette regardless of what the book says. Strapless dresses or lots of cleavage in a church never would fly either. That would be very offensive and a massive breach of etiquette. Those are the values of my family. I don't go on line beating people up side the head declaring that those are the correct values that everyone must follow.
As far as potlucks are concerned, there are some families who just live for a reason to get together and have a pot luck. Whether it is a relative in town, a birthday, or a wedding, these ladies live to cook. Who are you, or I to say that tradition is bad?
As for whether it is the responsibility of the parents to pay for the wedding....no it is not a responsibility, it is just a tradition......just like those things in the etiquette book.

If this were a family affair and the family had a long-standing tradition of potlucks, that would be a different story. Obviously, since the OP posted here, however, that is not the case.

The basic rules are quite simple, treat your guests with respect and consider their comfort. This is especially true of a wedding reception, the whole purpose of which is to thank your guests for attending the wedding ceremony. Potlucks do the opposite. They put the burden of your party on your guests. In fact, when you have a potluck, you cease to be a host because you aren't actually hosting at all.

wilson24019 · November 2013

NYCBruin said:

wilson24019 said:

Certainly your parents are not bad parents for not paying. Each family will make that decision. If you are having a formal wedding and are able to pay for it yourself, then you are very fortunate, especially in this economy. However, I do not think that gives you the right to bash other brides who are not as fortunate as you and cannot afford what you can.
Rules of etiquette are living and breathing things. They have to change - for example, 30 years ago, there was no email etiquette because there was no e-mail. They are also very culturally loaded. By ridiculing brides who do not do things by the book, you may be insulting the practices of their families.
Let me give you an example. In my family, we tend to do cake and punch. Serving alcohol at the affair would have been very insulting and your probably would have been considered either a heathen or someone with a drinking problem. In other words, in our family having a champaign toast would be a breach of etiquette regardless of what the book says. Strapless dresses or lots of cleavage in a church never would fly either. That would be very offensive and a massive breach of etiquette. Those are the values of my family. I don't go on line beating people up side the head declaring that those are the correct values that everyone must follow.
As far as potlucks are concerned, there are some families who just live for a reason to get together and have a pot luck. Whether it is a relative in town, a birthday, or a wedding, these ladies live to cook. Who are you, or I to say that tradition is bad?
As for whether it is the responsibility of the parents to pay for the wedding....no it is not a responsibility, it is just a tradition......just like those things in the etiquette book.

If this were a family affair and the family had a long-standing tradition of potlucks, that would be a different story. Obviously, since the OP posted here, however, that is not the case.

The basic rules are quite simple, treat your guests with respect and consider their comfort. This is especially true of a wedding reception, the whole purpose of which is to thank your guests for attending the wedding ceremony. Potlucks do the opposite. They put the burden of your party on your guests. In fact, when you have a potluck, you cease to be a host because you aren't actually hosting at all.

OP is not family. What does she know of their traditions?

I agree with you about the basic rules - treat your guests with respect and consider their comfort. You are the one who is making the assumption that those standards cannot be met with a pot luck.

I beg to differ. Many people are very uncomfortable when they have to go to formal affairs. Am I using the right fork, which glass is mine, damn tie, these shoes are killing me, the music is too loud, damn rock and roll, more tasteless banquet food.....Many weddings are right down the numbers in terms of the etiquette book but that does not mean the guests will be comfortable.. .

manateehugger · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

NYCBruin said:

wilson24019 said:

Certainly your parents are not bad parents for not paying. Each family will make that decision. If you are having a formal wedding and are able to pay for it yourself, then you are very fortunate, especially in this economy. However, I do not think that gives you the right to bash other brides who are not as fortunate as you and cannot afford what you can.
Rules of etiquette are living and breathing things. They have to change - for example, 30 years ago, there was no email etiquette because there was no e-mail. They are also very culturally loaded. By ridiculing brides who do not do things by the book, you may be insulting the practices of their families.
Let me give you an example. In my family, we tend to do cake and punch. Serving alcohol at the affair would have been very insulting and your probably would have been considered either a heathen or someone with a drinking problem. In other words, in our family having a champaign toast would be a breach of etiquette regardless of what the book says. Strapless dresses or lots of cleavage in a church never would fly either. That would be very offensive and a massive breach of etiquette. Those are the values of my family. I don't go on line beating people up side the head declaring that those are the correct values that everyone must follow.
As far as potlucks are concerned, there are some families who just live for a reason to get together and have a pot luck. Whether it is a relative in town, a birthday, or a wedding, these ladies live to cook. Who are you, or I to say that tradition is bad?
As for whether it is the responsibility of the parents to pay for the wedding....no it is not a responsibility, it is just a tradition......just like those things in the etiquette book.

If this were a family affair and the family had a long-standing tradition of potlucks, that would be a different story. Obviously, since the OP posted here, however, that is not the case.

The basic rules are quite simple, treat your guests with respect and consider their comfort. This is especially true of a wedding reception, the whole purpose of which is to thank your guests for attending the wedding ceremony. Potlucks do the opposite. They put the burden of your party on your guests. In fact, when you have a potluck, you cease to be a host because you aren't actually hosting at all.

OP is not family. What does she know of their traditions?
I agree with you about the basic rules - treat your guests with respect and consider their comfort. You are the one who is making the assumption that those standards cannot be met with a pot luck.
I beg to differ. Many people are very uncomfortable when they have to go to formal affairs. Am I using the right fork, which glass is mine, damn tie, these shoes are killing me, the music is too loud, damn rock and roll, more tasteless banquet food.....Many weddings are right down the numbers in terms of the etiquette book but that does not mean the guests will be comfortable.. .

HAHAHA are you kidding me? Where the heck is your reading comprehension and reasoning?

ALL OVER this thread people have stated that formal affairs are not synonymous with proper hosting. A $100K black tie, top shelf, 8 course meal wedding could be one of the tackiest, rudest events. A $500 wedding with cake and punch could be perfectly hosted and lovely. Proper hosting has very little, if anything, to do with formality or money. You invite someone to an event, you provide the provisions for that event. It's that simple.

Requesting a guest provide their own refreshments for your event will NEVER be acceptable etiquette. Please explain to me how saying "bring your own food that we will use to feed other people" is treating your guests with respect?

NYCBruin · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

NYCBruin said:

wilson24019 said:

Certainly your parents are not bad parents for not paying. Each family will make that decision. If you are having a formal wedding and are able to pay for it yourself, then you are very fortunate, especially in this economy. However, I do not think that gives you the right to bash other brides who are not as fortunate as you and cannot afford what you can.
Rules of etiquette are living and breathing things. They have to change - for example, 30 years ago, there was no email etiquette because there was no e-mail. They are also very culturally loaded. By ridiculing brides who do not do things by the book, you may be insulting the practices of their families.
Let me give you an example. In my family, we tend to do cake and punch. Serving alcohol at the affair would have been very insulting and your probably would have been considered either a heathen or someone with a drinking problem. In other words, in our family having a champaign toast would be a breach of etiquette regardless of what the book says. Strapless dresses or lots of cleavage in a church never would fly either. That would be very offensive and a massive breach of etiquette. Those are the values of my family. I don't go on line beating people up side the head declaring that those are the correct values that everyone must follow.
As far as potlucks are concerned, there are some families who just live for a reason to get together and have a pot luck. Whether it is a relative in town, a birthday, or a wedding, these ladies live to cook. Who are you, or I to say that tradition is bad?
As for whether it is the responsibility of the parents to pay for the wedding....no it is not a responsibility, it is just a tradition......just like those things in the etiquette book.

If this were a family affair and the family had a long-standing tradition of potlucks, that would be a different story. Obviously, since the OP posted here, however, that is not the case.

The basic rules are quite simple, treat your guests with respect and consider their comfort. This is especially true of a wedding reception, the whole purpose of which is to thank your guests for attending the wedding ceremony. Potlucks do the opposite. They put the burden of your party on your guests. In fact, when you have a potluck, you cease to be a host because you aren't actually hosting at all.

OP is not family. What does she know of their traditions?
I agree with you about the basic rules - treat your guests with respect and consider their comfort. You are the one who is making the assumption that those standards cannot be met with a pot luck.
I beg to differ. Many people are very uncomfortable when they have to go to formal affairs. Am I using the right fork, which glass is mine, damn tie, these shoes are killing me, the music is too loud, damn rock and roll, more tasteless banquet food.....Many weddings are right down the numbers in terms of the etiquette book but that does not mean the guests will be comfortable.. .

Are you high?

The point I was making is that AS THE OP IS NOT FAMILY, this is so obviously not a "small intimate informal family gathering," but rather a formal event (meaning there were invitations sent out).

It is ALWAYS rude to ask your guests to provide their own food at a formal (as in there were invitations) event.

This has nothing to do with being "fancy" or plain.

Weddings held at the Plaza can break etiquette and weddings held in someones back yard can comply perfectly with etiquette. Etiquette has nothing to do with the amount of money spent on the event or the "lavishness" of the affair.

APDSS22 · November 2013

OP is not family. What does she know of their traditions?
I agree with you about the basic rules - treat your guests with respect and consider their comfort. You are the one who is making the assumption that those standards cannot be met with a pot luck.
I beg to differ. Many people are very uncomfortable when they have to go to formal affairs. Am I using the right fork, which glass is mine, damn tie, these shoes are killing me, the music is too loud, damn rock and roll, more tasteless banquet food.....Many weddings are right down the numbers in terms of the etiquette book but that does not mean the guests will be comfortable.. .

To the green: Standards for hosting an event such as a wedding reception cannot be met when you ask your guests to host themselves and their fellow guests by bringing food. We've already discussed how rude it is, how logistically impractical it is, how unsafe it is health-wise and especially in this particular situation why it is such a horrible idea. The only thing I can think is that you're having a similar event that you are "hosting" and are somehow feeling a personal connection to this rude idea. This would explain your willingness to back it even in the face of persistent logic and are therefore deflecting by confusing etiquette and tradition (they are not the same thing) and randomly pointing to things that have no real bearing on etiquette in general or the specific event being discussed. Also, why do you keep bringing up "formal events"? You do not have to have a formal event to have an etiquette friendly event. As I posted above, you can have a perfectly lovely grocery store cake and punch wedding reception in a local church and have it be completely etiquette approved.

Most of your point is centered around things guests get to control. If they picked an uncomfortable tie/pinching shoes or chose to attend a formal event knowing that no matter what, they would be uncomfortable, you cannot blame the hosts of the event. The guests could have chosen a different tie (even a clip-on, who would know?), different shoes (there's no law saying you can't wear a cute pair of flats), and if you know it's going to be a formal event, you always have the choice of declining the invitation if that makes you uncomfortable. If you know it will be a super-formal event and you don't know what fork to use, I'm sure there are websites you can educate yourself at if you think it will make you uncomfortable.

The hosts of the event should try to provide tasty refreshments, enough room and chairs for every guest and a venue that is properly ventilated/heated for guests' comfort. They should also give their guests adequate time to prepare for the event (not inviting them a few days ahead of the event when they have to book a flight or plan a drive for example). If the guests don't like the music, that has nothing to do with proper etiquette, that comes down to personal choice. It's basically like saying you don't like wearing big dresses so the bride's poofy dress offended you. It's something that doesn't really effect you as a guest unless the music busts your ear drums or has truly offensive lyrics, which would be on the hosts of the event to correct. Etiquette is completely about seeing to your guests' comfort, it has nothing to do with following outdated traditions.

Potluck dinner at reception AND a wedding registry?

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