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Destination wedding with second reception in home state

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Re: Destination wedding with second reception in home state

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    missmo14missmo14 member
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    These posts are amusing.... carry on!

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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    NYCBruin said:
    Well if it's just about what you think about how things apply to you, that changes everything! 

    Check your privilege, please. 



    Yes, my marriage only applies to me (and my spouse). That doesn't make me privileged, it makes me married and monogamous. 
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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    wrigleyville said:
    It has nothing to do with revealing your tax status. It has everything to do with people paying a lot of money to see you get married when YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED.

    Did I dumb that down enough for you?

    If I'd been invited to a DW in Mexico and found out the B&G were already married, I would be wicked pissed and would never speak to them again.

    If you think people won't find out, you're wrong. I've seen this blow up in people's faces before. I found out an ex-friend of mine had lied about it when her marriage license appeared under the recent city records in the newspaper, and my mom found out about a fake wedding when she did a genealogy search and realized my cousin had been married for eight months before their fakey-fake-fake BS redo last year.
    I may have already mentioned that we've considered all the various outcomes. And have decided to proceed as planned. If anyone should do a genealogy search, comb their Sunday paper or otherwise and decide to not speak to us, we'll live. 
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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    edited November 2013
    NYCBruin said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    NYCBruin said:
    Well if it's just about what you think about how things apply to you, that changes everything! 

    Check your privilege, please. 



    Yes, my marriage only applies to me (and my spouse). That doesn't make me privileged, it makes me married and monogamous. 





    ------------------------------------------------------------
    The fact that you're legally allowed to marry the person you want and are entitled to all the rights and benefits that come along with that is a privilege.  One that too many people unfortunately don't have.  It's a luxury to be able to view your marriage license as "just a formality."  The fact that you have something that other people are fighting so hard for and treat it so cavalierly makes me think that you really don't understand what's at stake in the fight for marriage equality.




    I certainly do. But I've also expressed my feelings on the subject of government interference. I do not believe the federal or state government should be involved in anyone's marriage. That's just me. And I get to have opinions about all sorts of things. My marriage license being amongst them. Whether I get legally married prior to my symbolic wedding has absolutely no effect on the progress of gay marriage. To ever make one about the other is ludicrous. Many of you do not like what we're doing. That's totally your prerogative to feel that way. But you see, I was here asking a question about invitation wording. For an after party. Which I received one extremely helpful answer to. I never brought up my wedding. That was the work of two ladies who must be intrigued to hear me restate the same thing over and over again. To tell the truth, I'm super over this tired convo. We have decided on a name for the after party so I'm all good. There's not much else to say about after party naming and I wasn't really looking to chat about our DW. 
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    edited November 2013
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    NYCBruin said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    NYCBruin said:
    Well if it's just about what you think about how things apply to you, that changes everything! 

    Check your privilege, please. 



    Yes, my marriage only applies to me (and my spouse). That doesn't make me privileged, it makes me married and monogamous. 





    ------------------------------------------------------------
    The fact that you're legally allowed to marry the person you want and are entitled to all the rights and benefits that come along with that is a privilege.  One that too many people unfortunately don't have.  It's a luxury to be able to view your marriage license as "just a formality."  The fact that you have something that other people are fighting so hard for and treat it so cavalierly makes me think that you really don't understand what's at stake in the fight for marriage equality.




    I certainly do. But I've also expressed my feelings on the subject of government interference. I do not believe the federal or state government should be involved in anyone's marriage. That's just me. And I get to have opinions about all sorts of things. My marriage license being amongst them. Whether I get legally married prior to my symbolic wedding has absolutely no effect on the progress of gay marriage. To ever make one about the other is ludicrous. Many of you do not like what we're doing. That's totally your prerogative to feel that way. But you see, I was here asking a question about invitation wording. For an after party. Which I received one extremely helpful answer to. I never brought up my wedding. That was the work of two ladies who must be intrigued to hear me restate the same thing over and over again. To tell the truth, I'm super over this tired convo. We have decided on a name for the after party so I'm all good. There's not much else to say about after party naming and I wasn't really looking to chat about our DW. 




    You really don't see the hypocrisy here? If you don't want the government involved with your marriage, then why are you having a legal ceremony at all? Obviously you see some benefit in being married in the eyes of the government, or you wouldn't do it.
    ETA: so quote boxes just hate me, every time...
    image
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    PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
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    jenniferurs said:
    Honest question, if you don't think you're doing anything wrong and that people would still attend regardless, why are you not telling them? Why are they on a "need-to-know" basis?
    image
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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    jenniferurs said:
    Honest question, if you don't think you're doing anything wrong and that people would still attend regardless, why are you not telling them? Why are they on a "need-to-know" basis?
    The only people we brought in to the loop were the ones that would ever need to know, who would no longer be our legal next-of-kin in case of emergency. Otherwise, we wouldn't have told anyone of our plan. None of the factors we considered to make our decision are things we'd discuss with the people who aren't on the need-to-know list. Many of them very well may decline their invitation due to other factors such as travel expenses, vacation time, etc. So it seems a giant waste of our time and effort to go about discussing legal paperwork with them. 
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    buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
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    Can it really be THAT hard to get married legally in Mexico?

    I would be pissed if I went to a destination wedding and found out the couple was married before-hand.

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    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Ok so I am going to comment on the word "reception" and if it is just calling a party at home after the marriage a "reception" is the main issue that I have.

    No, it is not the word that I have a problem with.  My feeling is, if you want to celebrate your marriage or wedding or commitment or whatever you are doing with your SO with your family and friends then why not just invite them to the whole damn thing?  I just don't get the reason behind having two parties.  It almost seems that the couples who do have two parties just want to make their marriage festivities go on longer then just one day.

    If you want to celebrate your new marital status then invite everyone that you want to have there to your one day party.  If certain people can't make it oh well, life goes on and they can look at the pretty pictures.

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    jenniferursjenniferurs member
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    buddysmom80 said:

    Can it really be THAT hard to get married legally in Mexico?

    I would be pissed if I went to a destination wedding and found out the couple was married before-hand.


    If I remember correctly, while there were some hoops to jump through with regard to legally marrying in Mexico, that wasn't the only factor that fueled their decision. Otherwise they would just get married mere days before leaving (which I honestly wouldn't even have a problem with, though some others would). But IIRC, they're actually getting married prior to the new year, 9 months prior to their "DW," for some kind of tax or insurance benefit.
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    MoreChocolatePleaseMoreChocolatePlease member
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    You're very welcome. I wish I could give credit where credit is due, but I can't remember who's invite I saw it on. It was another DW bride. I thought it was perfect for those of us with celebrations in Spanish speaking countries. Best of luck!
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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    artbyallie said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    NYCBruin said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    NYCBruin said:
    Well if it's just about what you think about how things apply to you, that changes everything! 

    Check your privilege, please. 



    Yes, my marriage only applies to me (and my spouse). That doesn't make me privileged, it makes me married and monogamous. 





    ------------------------------------------------------------
    The fact that you're legally allowed to marry the person you want and are entitled to all the rights and benefits that come along with that is a privilege.  One that too many people unfortunately don't have.  It's a luxury to be able to view your marriage license as "just a formality."  The fact that you have something that other people are fighting so hard for and treat it so cavalierly makes me think that you really don't understand what's at stake in the fight for marriage equality.




    I certainly do. But I've also expressed my feelings on the subject of government interference. I do not believe the federal or state government should be involved in anyone's marriage. That's just me. And I get to have opinions about all sorts of things. My marriage license being amongst them. Whether I get legally married prior to my symbolic wedding has absolutely no effect on the progress of gay marriage. To ever make one about the other is ludicrous. Many of you do not like what we're doing. That's totally your prerogative to feel that way. But you see, I was here asking a question about invitation wording. For an after party. Which I received one extremely helpful answer to. I never brought up my wedding. That was the work of two ladies who must be intrigued to hear me restate the same thing over and over again. To tell the truth, I'm super over this tired convo. We have decided on a name for the after party so I'm all good. There's not much else to say about after party naming and I wasn't really looking to chat about our DW. 




    You really don't see the hypocrisy here? If you don't want the government involved with your marriage, then why are you having a legal ceremony at all? Obviously you see some benefit in being married in the eyes of the government, or you wouldn't do it.
    ETA: so quote boxes just hate me, every time...

    buddysmom80 said:

    Can it really be THAT hard to get married legally in Mexico?

    I would be pissed if I went to a destination wedding and found out the couple was married before-hand.

    It's not at all convenient, let's put it that way. 

    Mexico - The worst part is needing 4 witnesses in country with the B&G 72 hours prior. That's not at all convenient for most people. Our ceremony is on a Saturday. So whoever these witnesses would have been we'd be asking them to fly in on a Tuesday (the first day of this 72 hours cannot be a travel day). Then the earliest they'd be flying home is Sunday. That would suck for just about anyone with a full-time job. Most people have been looking at flying in on Friday and out Monday. Next, there's the blood test. Which I bruise like a mother-effer because no one can find my veins. Ugh, sweet tracks girl. Then there's the translating of the divorce decree (in a divorced person's case, which I am). Then there are the filing fees, cab rides and a lost vacation day. Actual cash is over $300, not including if you were to put a monetary value on a lost day of vacation.

    Colorado - no witnesses needed, no blood to be drawn, $10 parking if you can't find a meter, $30 to file the license. Over and done in about 20 minutes. 
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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    mobkaz said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:

    jenniferurs said:
    Honest question, if you don't think you're doing anything wrong and that people would still attend regardless, why are you not telling them? Why are they on a "need-to-know" basis?
    The only people we brought in to the loop did not lie to were the ones that would ever need to know, who would no longer be our legal next-of-kin in case of emergency. Otherwise, we wouldn't would have told anyno one of our plan. None of the factors we considered to make our decision are things we'd discuss  be honest with the people who aren't on the need-to-know   lie to them list. Many of them very well may decline their invitation due to other factors such as travel expenses, vacation time, or fact discovery etc. So it seems a giant waste of our time and effort to go about discussing legal paperwork  our lies with them. 

    A lie by any other name is still a lie.
    Cool. Let's go with lie for your sake. I like it, it rolls off the tongue easily, three little letters, can't get confused with much else.....
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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    Ok so I am going to comment on the word "reception" and if it is just calling a party at home after the marriage a "reception" is the main issue that I have.

    No, it is not the word that I have a problem with.  My feeling is, if you want to celebrate your marriage or wedding or commitment or whatever you are doing with your SO with your family and friends then why not just invite them to the whole damn thing?  I just don't get the reason behind having two parties.  It almost seems that the couples who do have two parties just want to make their marriage festivities go on longer then just one day.

    If you want to celebrate your new marital status then invite everyone that you want to have there to your one day party.  If certain people can't make it oh well, life goes on and they can look at the pretty pictures.
    Fair enough, everyone is entitled to their feelings about after-DW-parties. We decided many, many years ago if we ever tied the knot, we want to do it on a beach somewhere tropical. I've already been married once with a blow-out big affair and he's not particularly entranced with weddings so he's not at all worried about making a giant to-do out of it. Neither of us wants to make a huge deal out of it in Mexico, nor can we afford to. One of the main considerations was keeping it small and budget-friendly for up to about 20-25 people. If we invited the quantity of people we're inviting to the at-home party we'd be looking at damn near 300 people. That's not even a consideration for us. We're both in the bar business. It wasn't difficult to find a space that could accommodate hundreds of people (flow) at a great rate (read: free except for food and booze at damn near cost). Most of our friends would never be able to travel to Mexico and most of FI's family as well (all for money reasons). When we tell them we're having an after-party they are much relieved and excited, including his 85 y/o grandma who will not be joining us. Most of our people just like to party, they don't need much of a reason. If anyone is offended they can decline, but it would seem they should be offended they weren't invited to Mexico not that they were invited to the at-home party if they're looking for reasons to be miffed. 
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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    jenniferurs said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:

    jenniferurs said:
    Honest question, if you don't think you're doing anything wrong and that people would still attend regardless, why are you not telling them? Why are they on a "need-to-know" basis?
    The only people we brought in to the loop were the ones that would ever need to know, who would no longer be our legal next-of-kin in case of emergency. Otherwise, we wouldn't have told anyone of our plan. None of the factors we considered to make our decision are things we'd discuss with the people who aren't on the need-to-know list. Many of them very well may decline their invitation due to other factors such as travel expenses, vacation time, etc. So it seems a giant waste of our time and effort to go about discussing legal paperwork with them. 


    But if you've been told that some people actually make decisions BASED on that legal paperwork, then it doesn't seem like a giant waste of time to me. People should be given the opportunity to decide what it is they want to spend their money on and you're not giving them that opportunity if you deprive them of the truth.

    Beyond that, becoming legally married is a big deal. I can't imagine not discussing such a thing with those to whom I consider myself close enough to invite to my wedding. I would imagine that you talk pretty regularly to those individuals who would be willing to fly to another country to see you wed; so not mentioning it, to me, seems like you're purposefully trying to withhold the truth. And I'm not sure why you would do that if you truly believed that there were nothing wrong with your plan. You may imagine that, but that's not at all the case. We do not in fact, speak regularly with all of the people on the guest list. FI isn't that close with most of his family. But he wants to extend courtesy invitations to multiple relatives, or will when invites are sent, all the same. 

    I mean, honestly, if one of your friends asked you that week how you were or what's been going on in your life, would you mention the fact that you and your fiancé got legally married? No. Not at all. Like I've repeatedly maintained - we will not be acknowledging it either, so there will be no desire to discuss it with each other, let alone anyone else. Because whether or not you personally view it to be THAT big of a deal, it sure seems like a bigger deal than most of the trivial things we tell our friends about day-to-day. You are welcome to feel that way about filing your marriage license. We respectfully decline to not feel similarly. So if you would talk to your friends about the motion you filed at work or the pedicure you got at the salon, but not tell them about the paperwork you filed to become husband and wife, you have to understand that it comes across as you being purposefully secretive. And if you are, chances are it's because you know there's something off kilter with your plan. I feel like I've already expressed our views of the need-to-knows versus the do-not-need-to-know groups. Not sure there's much else I can say.


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    amyr213amyr213 member
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    buttercup1958 said:

    You suck by the way.  I have no advice except get your head out of your ass but that most likely won't happen. Hopefully your guests have a fun vacation since there isn't a wedding.


    Bwhahaha! OMFG, that's the best thing I've ever read on one of these forums, and i'm laughing my face off! For that, seriously, thank you! We hope they have a great vacation too. That's the most important aspect of it to us!
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    amyr213@yahoo.com said:
    You suck by the way.  I have no advice except get your head out of your ass but that most likely won't happen. Hopefully your guests have a fun vacation since there isn't a wedding.
    Bwhahaha! OMFG, that's the best thing I've ever read on one of these forums, and i'm laughing my face off! For that, seriously, thank you! We hope they have a great vacation too. That's the most important aspect of it to us!
    I wouldn't use your email address as your screen name.  It's not a good idea to use anything as your screen name that can be used to personally identify you.
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    Fran1985 Fran1985 member
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    Jen4948 said:
    amyr213@yahoo.com said:
    You suck by the way.  I have no advice except get your head out of your ass but that most likely won't happen. Hopefully your guests have a fun vacation since there isn't a wedding.
    Bwhahaha! OMFG, that's the best thing I've ever read on one of these forums, and i'm laughing my face off! For that, seriously, thank you! We hope they have a great vacation too. That's the most important aspect of it to us!
    I wouldn't use your email address as your screen name.  It's not a good idea to use anything as your screen name that can be used to personally identify you.
    But the irony of the last name is pretty funny.. But yeah MrsEverheart you should change you yahoo screen name.

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    Fran1985 Fran1985 member
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    edited November 2013
    Sorry- double post

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    WeeshWeesh member
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    mobkaz said:
    Weesh said:

    STBMrsEverhart The fact that you are so incredibly cavalier about being a complete fake and a liar makes me wonder what else in your life you lie about and what your relationships with other people are based on.  A lie of omission is still a lie.  Here's an interesting read for you--"The Ways We Lie" by Stephanie Ericsson.  Google it.  Although with your attitude, I'm sure it won't matter.  Here's the way the essay begins.


    We must consider the meaning of our actions. Deception, lies, capital crimes, and misdemeanors all carry meanings. Webster's definition of lie is specific:

                1.: a false statement or action especially made with the intent to deceive;

                 2.: anything that gives or is meant to give a false impression.

                A definition like this implies that there are many, many ways to tell a lie. 
    I applaud your efforts, @Weesh.  However, such an appeal will only reach someone with integrity and intelligence.
    Very good point.  I'm usually more of a lurker, but to have someone continuously post about their plans that include deceiving people and making light of the omission that they are already married while posting on a etiquette board just seems so ironic and ridiculous.  I use this essay with my high school students and even they can understand how lies of omission can be hurtful and wrong. 
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