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Destination Wedding Etiquette

FuzzyButtStinkyFaceFuzzyButtStinkyFace member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I have never been to a destination wedding before and I don't know many people who have, so I'm a little unsure of how to handle certain issues.

First of all, My fiancé and I have relatively large guest list, but we are cutting it back as much as we can. Most resorts we've looked at can only accommodate 20-30 guests for the wedding; however, some resorts have an extra fee, per person, for extra guests for the reception dinner (if there is one). I am wondering if anyone knows how this works? For instance, most resorts look like they only have 30 chairs for the ceremony. Can other guests watch, but they just have to stand around? And then we just pay for the extra plates at the reception?

Also, I am wondering how to handle all the "parties." I have been to weddings before where the couples have had bridal showers AND Stag & Does. I've also had one friend ask for money instead of gifts (which was awesome, because it was easier). Is this sleazy to do for a destination wedding (when guests will already be spending so much money on the trip)?

If we are planning on holding a reception back home after the wedding, should this only be for guests who were invited, but unable to attend the wedding? Or are we able to invite friends and family that we did not have room to invite to the wedding? If so, how can we tactfully handle this?

And, just to be sure, ONLY the people who are invited to the actual ceremony should be invited to the engagement party and wedding shower, correct? My mother has already invited some extended family members to my engagement party and hinted that she would be invited others to the wedding shower because "more money/gifts!" So, this means I will be obligated to invite them to the ceremony. I am just worried about the lack of room. So far, my fiancé's only guests are his mother and a friend. Even though he is not close with his family (he has met them maybe 4 times), he is not comfortable with so much of my extended family being invited to the ceremony. He would still like to be able to invite his family! How can we handle this? I know I should "put my foot down" with my mother (who is Italian and is used to big, showy, Italian weddings, btw), but how can I NOT invite family when my mom has already talked to them about attending our engagement party/wedding shower? 

Thanks for your help!
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Re: Destination Wedding Etiquette

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    First, yes, you are correct only people invited to the wedding should be invited to any pre-wedding parties. You need to put your foot down early on regarding guests. Your mom needs to let the people she talked to know she was in the wrong to invite them.

    Now, when it comes to your plan to invite some people to only the reception - if you are having a small ceremony with immediate family only this is an okay plan. But if you are inviting 30 people to the ceremony and want to invite 30 more people to the reception it's incredibly rude. You really should invite everyone to the ceremony and the reception.

    Personally, I would never spend the money it takes to travel to a desalination wedding to only be invited to the reception. I'd be highly offended and think you only invited me to get a present.


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  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    FuzzyButtStinkyFace said:
    I have never been to a destination wedding before and I don't know many people who have, so I'm a little unsure of how to handle certain issues.

    First of all, My fiancé and I have relatively large guest list, but we are cutting it back as much as we can. Most resorts we've looked at can only accommodate 20-30 guests for the wedding; however, some resorts have an extra fee, per person, for extra guests for the reception dinner (if there is one). I am wondering if anyone knows how this works? For instance, most resorts look like they only have 30 chairs for the ceremony. Can other guests watch, but they just have to stand around? And then we just pay for the extra plates at the reception? Everyone invited should have a seat for their bum. They do not stand to watch the ceremony. Ever.

    Also, I am wondering how to handle all the "parties." I have been to weddings before where the couples have had bridal showers AND Stag & Does. I've also had one friend ask for money instead of gifts (which was awesome, because it was easier). Is this sleazy to do for a destination wedding (when guests will already be spending so much money on the trip)?  Only people invited to your wedding should be invited to parties. Stag & Does are extremely rude and should not be done. Have a wedding you can afford and not make others pay for it. It is extremely rude to ask for cash. Just don't have a shower or a registry and most people will give cash instead or ship gifts to your home. You are never to expect a gift though. People most likely will give less for a DW.

    If we are planning on holding a reception back home after the wedding, should this only be for guests who were invited, but unable to attend the wedding? Or are we able to invite friends and family that we did not have room to invite to the wedding? If so, how can we tactfully handle this? Reception back home should only be people you invited. You could have a huge party back home..but it wouldn't be a reception. Just a party. No first dances, white dress etc.

    And, just to be sure, ONLY the people who are invited to the actual ceremony should be invited to the engagement party and wedding shower, correct? Correct.

    My mother has already invited some extended family members to my engagement party and hinted that she would be invited others to the wedding shower because "more money/gifts!" If they're invited, they must also be invited to the wedding. So, this means I will be obligated to invite them to the ceremony. I am just worried about the lack of room. So far, my fiancé's only guests are his mother and a friend. Even though he is not close with his family (he has met them maybe 4 times), he is not comfortable with so much of my extended family being invited to the ceremony. He would still like to be able to invite his family! How can we handle this? I know I should "put my foot down" with my mother (who is Italian and is used to big, showy, Italian weddings, btw), but how can I NOT invite family when my mom has already talked to them about attending our engagement party/wedding shower? Unfortunately this happens often. Tell your mom thanks for the offer (is your mom hosting the shower/engagement party?) and decline the parties. If she wants to invite them, then just don't show up. Tell her you'll refuse to show up. Usually with DW people do not have any sorts of parties though.

    Thanks for your help!

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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    FuzzyButtStinkyFace said:
    I have never been to a destination wedding before and I don't know many people who have, so I'm a little unsure of how to handle certain issues.

    First of all, My fiancé and I have relatively large guest list, but we are cutting it back as much as we can.   Consider cutting the idea of the destination wedding and having your wedding and reception state side at a venue that can accommodate all the guests you wish to invite.  Most resorts we've looked at can only accommodate 20-30 guests for the wedding then that is all that you can invite to your DW; however, some resorts have an extra fee, per person, for extra guests for the reception dinner (if there is one). I am wondering if anyone knows how this works? For instance, most resorts look like they only have 30 chairs for the ceremony. Then you can only invite 30 guests- every butt must have a seat.  Can other guests watch, but they just have to stand around? No, don't do this.  This is rude.  Everyone should have a seat.  And then we just pay for the extra plates at the reception?

    Also, I am wondering how to handle all the "parties." There is really nothing for you to handle- the pre weddings events are gifts that someone else offers to host in your honor.  You can't plan them for yourself.  Anyone who is invited to a pre wedding event must be invited to the wedding though.  I have been to weddings before where the couples have had bridal showers AND Stag & Does. I've also had one friend ask for money instead of gifts (which was awesome, because it was easier).  This wasn't awesome, it was actually rude and tacky.  You can't ever ask for gifts and cash is a gift.  Adults always have the option of giving you cash if they want to give you anything at all.  Is this sleazy to do for a destination wedding (when guests will already be spending so much money on the trip)?  It's tacky and rude to ask for cash as a gift no matter if you are having a DW or not.  You should never ask for gifts.

    If we are planning on holding a reception back home after the wedding, should this only be for guests who were invited, but unable to attend the wedding? Yes.  Or are we able to invite friends and family that we did not have room to invite to the wedding? No.  If so, how can we tactfully handle this?  If you have a party after your DW, just have a party- so don't wear your gown again, don't have a ceremony, don't have spotlight dances, a big cake cutting event, etc.

    And, just to be sure, ONLY the people who are invited to the actual ceremony should be invited to the engagement party and wedding shower, correct? Yes.  My mother has already invited some extended family members to my engagement party and hinted that she would be invited others to the wedding shower because "more money/gifts!" So, this means I will be obligated to invite them to the ceremony. Yes, unless you decline the parties from your mother.  Then you don't have to worry about her inviting ppl who are not invited to your wedding.  I am just worried about the lack of room. So far, my fiancé's only guests are his mother and a friend. Even though he is not close with his family (he has met them maybe 4 times), he is not comfortable with so much of my extended family being invited to the ceremony. He would still like to be able to invite his family! How can we handle this? 1. Nix the destination wedding and have the wedding you can afford state side at a venue that can accommodate all of the guests that you and your FI want to include.  Go wherever you were planning to go for your DW on your honeymoon.  2. Form a united front and learn how to tell your mother NO.  If she isn't paying for your wedding, then she doesn't get that much say in the guest list.  You are your FI need to sit down and list out all of the people that you and he want to be present at the wedding, then take that number and subtract it from 30. .. whatever that number is, that is the number of guests your mother can invite, and that's what you tell her and hold her to.  I know I should "put my foot down" with my mother (who is Italian and is used to big, showy, Italian weddings, btw), but how can I NOT invite family when my mom has already talked to them about attending our engagement party/wedding shower?   Easy, decline her pre wedding parties.  They can't be invited to events that are not going to occur.

    Thanks for your help!
    I am going to be honest, I am not a fan of destination weddings.  In my opinion, that's the point of the honeymoon.

    You need to decide what is more important to you and your FI- having a wedding where all of the family and friends that are important to you both can attend, or having your wedding at some exotic location?  Then figure out how to make what you want happen within your budget.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    PPs are right on all counts. If your destination venue can accommodate only 30, then you only invite 30. And you can't wait to see who declines and then invite more people in their place - that's beyond rude and insulting, and treats people as if they're second best. You invite 30 and only 12 can attend? Then there are 12 people at your wedding. Everyone you invite must be invited to all parts of the wedding - ceremony and reception dinner. They all must have seats. Only those 30 people can be on your shower and engagement party guest list, if someone offers to throw those for you. Stag and Doe parties are sleazy all the way around, no question about it. You can absolutely have a party when you get home, and if it's a very small wedding you can get away with a larger guest list for that, but it's not a reception. It's just a party, and you can make it as big and celebratory or as small and casual as you want, but it's still not part of your wedding. Truthfully, it sounds like you are torn between the destination itself and inviting all the people you want to see there, so maybe having a wedding at home and honeymooning at your destination is the best compromise here.
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    PPs are right on all counts. If your destination venue can accommodate only 30, then you only invite 30. And you can't wait to see who declines and then invite more people in their place - that's beyond rude and insulting, and treats people as if they're second best. You invite 30 and only 12 can attend? Then there are 12 people at your wedding. Everyone you invite must be invited to all parts of the wedding - ceremony and reception dinner. They all must have seats. Only those 30 people can be on your shower and engagement party guest list, if someone offers to throw those for you. Stag and Doe parties are sleazy all the way around, no question about it. You can absolutely have a party when you get home, and if it's a very small wedding you can get away with a larger guest list for that, but it's not a reception. It's just a party, and you can make it as big and celebratory or as small and casual as you want, but it's still not part of your wedding. Truthfully, it sounds like you are torn between the destination itself and inviting all the people you want to see there, so maybe having a wedding at home and honeymooning at your destination is the best compromise here.
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Why don't you just have a local wedding? It seems like you're stressed about all the complications of a destination wedding.
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  • FuzzyButtStinkyFaceFuzzyButtStinkyFace member
    First Comment
    I appreciate your help, but I feel like most of you are coming down on me pretty hard, so I guess I should be more clear.

    1. I am unclear about the wedding packages that are offered. I have seen some that say "max. 30 people," however there is a dinner afterwards included in the price and they've listed a fee per person for extra guests. None of the wedding packages I've looked into address extra guests at the ceremony. I was simply asking if anyone knew how this worked. Once we narrow down our choice of resorts, we will figure that out, I guess.

    2. I come from a big, (relatively) traditional, Italian family. My fiancé and I want a simple wedding, but we are struggling to find a balance between what my family wants to do and what we want. My FAMILY is going to be throwing these parties for us. I never said I would be throwing these parties. However, we do need to be involved because I would not want my family to invite anyone who was not invited to the wedding. Right now, our resort, wedding date, and guest list aren't even confirmed and my family has already planned an engagement party and invited some extended family. So, this is why I'm worrying about it.

    3. I did not say I would ask for gifts or money. My mother keeps asking me where we are registered because other family members are asking. My fiancé and I have a house and are pretty well established. We don't need a blender or a kettle. We could use a new bed set, but I can't ask for that as a gift. Which is why I'd rather receive money (IF ANYTHING). Maybe we come from different places. I have never found "monetary gifts preferred" or "Stag & Does" tacky. I WANT to help out friends and family who are getting married. Maybe it's a Canadian thing? Or an Italian thing? I actually really enjoy going to showers and Stag & Does because there are games, drinks, dancing, prizes, and they're usually a lot of fun. I was just asking if this tacky because my guests will already be spending so much to attend my wedding.

    4. I was actually invited to a DW where I was told that I was part of the second round of invites. I wasn't offended at all! Obviously the couple needs to make sure family and closer friends can attend before they invited me. If they hadn't told me though, I wouldn't have known. So I don't see how this is rude.

    Thanks again for your responses. My fiancé, family, and I will have to sit down and talk this over!
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    FuzzyButtStinkyFace said:
    I appreciate your help, but I feel like most of you are coming down on me pretty hard, so I guess I should be more clear.

    1. I am unclear about the wedding packages that are offered. I have seen some that say "max. 30 people," however there is a dinner afterwards included in the price and they've listed a fee per person for extra guests. None of the wedding packages I've looked into address extra guests at the ceremony. I was simply asking if anyone knew how this worked. Once we narrow down our choice of resorts, we will figure that out, I guess.
    Again, anyone invited to the ceremony should be invited to the reception immediately following and vice versa.  I have never heard of a resort putting a max on the number of guests allowed at the ceremony.  If you are unclear on this then you need to talk to the resorts in question.

    2. I come from a big, (relatively) traditional, Italian family. My fiancé and I want a simple wedding, but we are struggling to find a balance between what my family wants to do and what we want. My FAMILY is going to be throwing these parties for us. I never said I would be throwing these parties. However, we do need to be involved because I would not want my family to invite anyone who was not invited to the wedding. Right now, our resort, wedding date, and guest list aren't even confirmed and my family has already planned an engagement party and invited some extended family. So, this is why I'm worrying about it.
    Tell your Mom that all pre-wedding parties need to be put on hold until you finalize your wedding date and guest list.

    3. I did not say I would ask for gifts or money. My mother keeps asking me where we are registered because other family members are asking. My fiancé and I have a house and are pretty well established. We don't need a blender or a kettle. We could use a new bed set, but I can't ask for that as a gift. Which is why I'd rather receive money (IF ANYTHING). Maybe we come from different places. I have never found "monetary gifts preferred" or "Stag & Does" tacky. I WANT to help out friends and family who are getting married. Maybe it's a Canadian thing? Or an Italian thing? I actually really enjoy going to showers and Stag & Does because there are games, drinks, dancing, prizes, and they're usually a lot of fun. I was just asking if this tacky because my guests will already be spending so much to attend my wedding.
    It is not a Canadian thing and it is not an Italian thing.  Asking for money in any sort of fashion is a rude thing.  Period.  And if you really don't have much you want to register for then I would refrain from having a shower.  Showers are gift giving events.  It is still possible to have a shower without a registry but be prepared to receive gifts that you may not want or need.

    4. I was actually invited to a DW where I was told that I was part of the second round of invites. I wasn't offended at all! Obviously the couple needs to make sure family and closer friends can attend before they invited me. If they hadn't told me though, I wouldn't have known. So I don't see how this is rude.
    Well that is wonderful that you weren't offended, but just because you weren't doesn't mean that others won't be.  And unless you are a mind reader then don't tell me that you know that your family and friends won't be offended either.  A couple can make sure that everyone they want at their wedding is invited without doing an A and B list.  By having a B-list, it just screams gift grabby.  Also a B-list tells the person that they aren't nearly as important as the one's on the A-list and are only being invited now to fill a spot and bring a gift, not that they were really wanted there in the first place.

    Thanks again for your responses. My fiancé, family, and I will have to sit down and talk this over!


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  • SlothGoalsSlothGoals member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    FuzzyButtStinkyFace said:
    I appreciate your help, but I feel like most of you are coming down on me pretty hard, so I guess I should be more clear.

    1. I am unclear about the wedding packages that are offered. I have seen some that say "max. 30 people," however there is a dinner afterwards included in the price and they've listed a fee per person for extra guests. None of the wedding packages I've looked into address extra guests at the ceremony. I was simply asking if anyone knew how this worked. Once we narrow down our choice of resorts, we will figure that out, I guess.

    2. I come from a big, (relatively) traditional, Italian family. My fiancé and I want a simple wedding, but we are struggling to find a balance between what my family wants to do and what we want. My FAMILY is going to be throwing these parties for us. I never said I would be throwing these parties. However, we do need to be involved because I would not want my family to invite anyone who was not invited to the wedding. Right now, our resort, wedding date, and guest list aren't even confirmed and my family has already planned an engagement party and invited some extended family. So, this is why I'm worrying about it.

    3. I did not say I would ask for gifts or money. My mother keeps asking me where we are registered because other family members are asking. My fiancé and I have a house and are pretty well established. We don't need a blender or a kettle. We could use a new bed set, but I can't ask for that as a gift. Which is why I'd rather receive money (IF ANYTHING). Maybe we come from different places. I have never found "monetary gifts preferred" or "Stag & Does" tacky. I WANT to help out friends and family who are getting married. Maybe it's a Canadian thing? Or an Italian thing? I actually really enjoy going to showers and Stag & Does because there are games, drinks, dancing, prizes, and they're usually a lot of fun. I was just asking if this tacky because my guests will already be spending so much to attend my wedding.

    4. I was actually invited to a DW where I was told that I was part of the second round of invites. I wasn't offended at all! Obviously the couple needs to make sure family and closer friends can attend before they invited me. If they hadn't told me though, I wouldn't have known. So I don't see how this is rude.

    Thanks again for your responses. My fiancé, family, and I will have to sit down and talk this over!
    To the bolded:

    I am both Canadian (1st generation) AND Italian and you will find neither of those things in my wedding or ANY wedding have attended.

    YES "monetary gifts only" IS tacky and NO you SHOULD NOT put it on your invites anywhere! 

    Please listen to PPs and stop giving Italian/Canadians a bad name.
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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Just because you were not personally offended by something doesn't make it etiquette-okay. Someone very well could be hurt, and still never say anything to you because they care about you. Showers and parties with games are fine... it's just the asking for money part that is problematic. If you want to help out friends and family, that's great and you should do it. But nobody should be put on the spot and asked for money... if they don't have it or don't want to give it, that's up to them. And even if your family is throwing the parties, they are going to look to you to set the tone... so it's your responsibility to try to do the best thing possible.

    Navigating the waters between what your family expects and what you want is going to be a huge challenge. It is for almost everyone. The best thing you can do is talk to your FI, figure out what's best for the two of you, and then present a united point of view to your families. We wish you much luck.

    (p.s. We come down hard because we care. We are strangers, so we aren't going to pet your ego, but we all care about etiquette because we care about people and doing right by them. It's not personal, we promise.)
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    FuzzyButtStinkyFace said:
    I appreciate your help, but I feel like most of you are coming down on me pretty hard, so I guess I should be more clear.

    1. I am unclear about the wedding packages that are offered. I have seen some that say "max. 30 people," however there is a dinner afterwards included in the price and they've listed a fee per person for extra guests. None of the wedding packages I've looked into address extra guests at the ceremony. I was simply asking if anyone knew how this worked. Once we narrow down our choice of resorts, we will figure that out, I guess. Your post was unclear on what you were planning so people gave you advice on what would be appropriate and what would not. You need to make sure whatever venue you choose can accommodate all of your guests for the ceremony and the reception.

    2. I come from a big, (relatively) traditional, Italian family. My fiancé and I want a simple wedding, but we are struggling to find a balance between what my family wants to do and what we want. My FAMILY is going to be throwing these parties for us. I never said I would be throwing these parties. However, we do need to be involved because I would not want my family to invite anyone who was not invited to the wedding. Right now, our resort, wedding date, and guest list aren't even confirmed and my family has already planned an engagement party and invited some extended family. So, this is why I'm worrying about it. You need to talk to your parents and tell them to stop because if people are invited to the engagement party they must be invited to the wedding. Be firm on this. Inviting people to pre-wedding parties but not the wedding looks gift-grabby and is tacky.

    3. I did not say I would ask for gifts or money. My mother keeps asking me where we are registered because other family members are asking. My fiancé and I have a house and are pretty well established. We don't need a blender or a kettle. We could use a new bed set, but I can't ask for that as a gift. Which is why I'd rather receive money (IF ANYTHING). Maybe we come from different places. I have never found "monetary gifts preferred" or "Stag & Does" tacky. I WANT to help out friends and family who are getting married. Maybe it's a Canadian thing? Or an Italian thing? I actually really enjoy going to showers and Stag & Does because there are games, drinks, dancing, prizes, and they're usually a lot of fun. I was just asking if this tacky because my guests will already be spending so much to attend my wedding. It's not a Canadian thing or an Italian thing. It's a rude thing. You are choosing to have a wedding so you need to be an adult and pay for it yourselves, not ask your guests to pay for it. If you don't want to register you don't need to people. When people hear you aren't registered they'll probably give you cash as a gift but it's rude to say "monetary gifts preferred" because you should not assume that people are going to give you gifts.

    4. I was actually invited to a DW where I was told that I was part of the second round of invites. I wasn't offended at all! Obviously the couple needs to make sure family and closer friends can attend before they invited me. If they hadn't told me though, I wouldn't have known. So I don't see how this is rude. Just because you didn't care doesn't mean that bride and groom weren't horribly rude. It's rude because it's ranking people and will hurt feelings. And because b-listing means the bride and groom are inviting people just to fill seats and get more presents not because they are the people they want there most. I'm never offended if I'm not invited to a wedding but I'm definitely offended if I'm just invited so there are a certain number of people or so the bride and groom can get more gifts.

    Thanks again for your responses. My fiancé, family, and I will have to sit down and talk this over!



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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    FuzzyButtStinkyFace said:
    I appreciate your help, but I feel like most of you are coming down on me pretty hard, so I guess I should be more clear.  No one is coming down at you at all.  We are trying to offer objective, non-emotional, constructive criticism and suggestions to help you.

    1. I am unclear about the wedding packages that are offered. I have seen some that say "max. 30 people," however there is a dinner afterwards included in the price and they've listed a fee per person for extra guests. None of the wedding packages I've looked into address extra guests at the ceremony. I was simply asking if anyone knew how this worked. Once we narrow down our choice of resorts, we will figure that out, I guess.  Actually, you need to get this information from the resorts BEFORE you narrow down your choices, and use that information to help you make your decisions.  Seek assistance from a travel agent or start calling the resorts directly and asking them about this.

    2. I come from a big, (relatively) traditional, Italian family. My fiancé and I want a simple wedding, but we are struggling to find a balance between what my family wants to do and what we want. If your family is not paying for your wedding, then they don't get a say.  It might seem unfair to them, but that is the way it goes.  You and your FI have to start politely but firmly saying no to your family and asserting what you want and what you are going to do.  Get used to doing this because there will be other times in your lives where your family and his will attempt to interfere- that is the nature of families.  My FAMILY is going to be throwing these parties for us. I never said I would be throwing these parties. However, we do need to be involved because I would not want my family to invite anyone who was not invited to the wedding. You are correct on this.  Your options are either to decline these parties if you fear your mother will not respect the guestlist she will be given, or to smile graciously when people you are not inviting to the wedding show up and let your mother take the fall for that etiquette faux pas.  Right now, our resort, wedding date, and guest list aren't even confirmed and my family has already planned an engagement party and invited some extended family. So, this is why I'm worrying about it.  Try to reign your family in and if any of your extended family says anything to you, smile graciously and say, "Oh I'm sorry Aunt Edna, but our wedding date and guest list haven't been confirmed yet.  I'm not sure who mentioned that you are invited, and I'm sorry for their terribly rude behavior, but we haven't invited anyone to anything yet." Then quickly change the subject.  Get used to doing this, and practice saying the following to people once your guest list has been set, "I'm sorry we were not able to invite you Aunt Edna, but we are having a very small wedding and were not able to invite everyone we would have liked to." then quickly change the subject.

    3. I did not say I would ask for gifts or money. My mother keeps asking me where we are registered because other family members are asking. My fiancé and I have a house and are pretty well established. We don't need a blender or a kettle. We could use a new bed set, but I can't ask for that as a gift. Which is why I'd rather receive money (IF ANYTHING).  Then do not register.  That is all you can do.  You cannot, under any circumstances, ask for money.  And don't give your mother your registry information even if you do have one. . . she will just give that info to people you are not inviting to your wedding.  Change the subject if she asks for it.  Maybe we come from different places. No, we do not. I have never found "monetary gifts preferred" or "Stag & Does" tacky. They are tacky and rude.  It is tacky and rude to mention gifts at all, as a guest is never required to give someone a wedding gift.  It is tacky and rude to host "fundraising" events related to your wedding, no matter if they are a custom or common in your area.  You host the wedding you can afford.  I WANT to help out friends and family who are getting married.  That's your prerogative then.  Maybe it's a Canadian thing? No, it's not.  Every time someone tries to say this about Stag and Doe, or "it's a British thing" a bunch of Canadians or Brits respond saying no, they think they are tacky and rude too.  Or an Italian thing? Absolutely not.  I am Italian and I have never even heard of Stag and Doe before TK. . . we don't even have Dollar Dances in my family of Italian circles.  I actually really enjoy going to showers and Stag & Does because there are games, drinks, dancing, prizes, and they're usually a lot of fun. Sure, those things at showers are fun and expected.  What is not universally expected is to pay for things at hosted events, or fundraising activities at showers.  I was just asking if this tacky because my guests will already be spending so much to attend my wedding.  And we were just answering your questions; Yes, it is tacky because you should never ask for gifts from guests and also because they are going to be spending a lot of money and personal time to go to your DW.

    4. I was actually invited to a DW where I was told that I was part of the second round of invites. I wasn't offended at all!  Just because you were not personally offended is not justification for engaging in rude behavior at your own, hosted event.  Obviously the couple needs to make sure family and closer friends can attend before they invited me. If they hadn't told me though, I wouldn't have known. So I don't see how this is rude.  It's rude because you are now sorting your friends and family into tiers of importance or closeness, and inevitably someone finds out and their feelings are hurt.  I would find this especially offensive as a guest accepting an invite to a DW because I have to spend extra personal time and money to attend.

    Thanks again for your responses. My fiancé, family, and I will have to sit down and talk this over!
    I think you are still going about this a bit backwards.  Please do what has been suggested- 1st, decide what is more important to you and your FI- a destination wedding or having all your must have people at your wedding?

    Then sit down with your FI and make up your guest list, the list of the people that you absolutely, 100% want to attend your wedding.  Then go from there in adding in additional people, and limit the total number of guests that your mother can invite.

    Once you have your finalized guest list, call the resorts and see if they can accommodate your entire guest list if it is over 30 people.  If they cannot then you really need to reconsider your DW or trim the list accordingly.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    If you want to consider a DW, you should find a travel agent or wedding planner who does a lot of work with them to help you wade through the information.  I was just at a DW at Sandals in St. Lucia.  There were 42 guests.  Everyone had a seat at the ceremony, no issues.  The "rehearsal dinner" (more like a welcome dinner because there was no actual rehearsal) was included for all of the guests staying on-site.  I believe that it cost the bride and groom about $6k to get the cocktail hour and reception to fit their specifications (private location, steel drum band for the cocktail hour and DJ for the reception, centerpieces and table set ups, and any food that wasn't included in the package).

     

    I know that the more guests that attend and stay on site, the more stuff was included.  For example, often they won't let your guests have a choice of entrees (you have to just pick one), but since this was such a large crowd, they allowed a choice of two at each event.

     

    DIfferent hotel chains have different packages and size restrictions.  It would be best to get in touch with someone at the hotel chain or a wedding planner or travel agent that frequently does these weddings for more information (my planner is a "certified Sandals wedding planner" or something - so if you're interested in Sandals, those people do exist).

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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    A shower is specifically to get gifts. That's really the purpose of a shower. And specifically GIFTS, not money. If you don't really want gifts, then don't have a shower. I'm not having a shower for this reason. Like you, we have what we need, and we also feel bad asking people for gifts when much of my family is not as well off financially as my fiance and I. Instead, people will likely be throwing my some type of "bridal luncheon" where we all go out and do something fun like wine tasting and have lunch/dinner. No registry, no gifts expected, although I actually think people will end up giving small, thoughtful things to me at this occasion (like an engraved frame or something). But same rules apply--it's a "pre-wedding event" so only wedding guests can be invited!

    For the wedding itself, we assume the vast majority of our guests will get us a gift. We are planning to register for some things that we really could use (new set of dishes, etc.), but not have a huge registry. Between a smaller registry and word-of-mouth, hopefully people who choose to give a gift will give us cash that we can use to put towards a large purchase instead. 


    In your case, definitely don't register for an engagement party! When people ask your mother where you're registered, she should tell them that you're not registered, you are all set-up in terms of building a home together, and no gifts are necessary. When the guest insists, your mother can casually mention that you'd appreciate something like a bottle of wine, but really you're just trying to save up for a new bedroom set (hint hint for cash). 
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    The fact that you are OK with being B-listed and being told to give cash only doesn't make either of those things any less rude. It means you're OK with your friends treating you rudely.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • FuzzyButtStinkyFaceFuzzyButtStinkyFace member
    First Comment
    delujm0 said:

    If you want to consider a DW, you should find a travel agent or wedding planner who does a lot of work with them to help you wade through the information.  I was just at a DW at Sandals in St. Lucia.  There were 42 guests.  Everyone had a seat at the ceremony, no issues.  The "rehearsal dinner" (more like a welcome dinner because there was no actual rehearsal) was included for all of the guests staying on-site.  I believe that it cost the bride and groom about $6k to get the cocktail hour and reception to fit their specifications (private location, steel drum band for the cocktail hour and DJ for the reception, centerpieces and table set ups, and any food that wasn't included in the package).

     

    I know that the more guests that attend and stay on site, the more stuff was included.  For example, often they won't let your guests have a choice of entrees (you have to just pick one), but since this was such a large crowd, they allowed a choice of two at each event.

     

    DIfferent hotel chains have different packages and size restrictions.  It would be best to get in touch with someone at the hotel chain or a wedding planner or travel agent that frequently does these weddings for more information (my planner is a "certified Sandals wedding planner" or something - so if you're interested in Sandals, those people do exist).



    Thanks a bunch! I was hoping to hear from someone who had been to a DW before. We are working with a travel agent right now, but we have to give her our top picks for resorts, so she can inquire about prices/deals for groups. Right now, we are so overwhelmed with the number of options and I really don't know how many people will actually attend, so it's difficult to pick a resort.

    Thanks for the tips. It's good to know that the resort you were at, at least, allowed for more than 30 people. (Just to be clear, I would never want to ask people to stand and watch. I just wasn't clear how it worked. I find the resort websites aren't very good.)
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  • FuzzyButtStinkyFaceFuzzyButtStinkyFace member
    First Comment
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    The fact that you are OK with being B-listed and being told to give cash only doesn't make either of those things any less rude. It means you're OK with your friends treating you rudely.
    Or could it mean that I am an understanding person? Maybe I'm easy going? I would never let someone treat me rudely. However, I wasn't bothered by these things. Just because you think they are rude, doesn't mean that that was intended or that I should find it rude. Different people are bothered by different things.

    Why would I give a couple who has already lived together for a year a set of plates? I would rather give the couple something they can use. Like money. And it's easy. How is asking for money, in lieu of presents, any "ruder" than being invited to a shower/birthday party/Christmas dinner and being expected to bring gifts? Other friends I spoke to about it didn't seem to have a problem with it either. I had mentioned that I never thought about having a "money shower," instead of a bridal/wedding shower and that it was a neat idea. My other friends agreed.

    And as for my friends who "B listed" us, we aren't super close with them. We realize it's tough to fit everyone in and were happy to just be invited (even though we couldn't make it).

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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I hate the concept of "money in lieu of gifts." Money/cash/check is a gift!
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  • FuzzyButtStinkyFaceFuzzyButtStinkyFace member
    First Comment
    MandyMost said:
    A shower is specifically to get gifts. That's really the purpose of a shower. And specifically GIFTS, not money. If you don't really want gifts, then don't have a shower. I'm not having a shower for this reason. Like you, we have what we need, and we also feel bad asking people for gifts when much of my family is not as well off financially as my fiance and I. Instead, people will likely be throwing my some type of "bridal luncheon" where we all go out and do something fun like wine tasting and have lunch/dinner. No registry, no gifts expected, although I actually think people will end up giving small, thoughtful things to me at this occasion (like an engraved frame or something). But same rules apply--it's a "pre-wedding event" so only wedding guests can be invited!

    For the wedding itself, we assume the vast majority of our guests will get us a gift. We are planning to register for some things that we really could use (new set of dishes, etc.), but not have a huge registry. Between a smaller registry and word-of-mouth, hopefully people who choose to give a gift will give us cash that we can use to put towards a large purchase instead. 


    In your case, definitely don't register for an engagement party! When people ask your mother where you're registered, she should tell them that you're not registered, you are all set-up in terms of building a home together, and no gifts are necessary. When the guest insists, your mother can casually mention that you'd appreciate something like a bottle of wine, but really you're just trying to save up for a new bedroom set (hint hint for cash). 

    I love your ideas! I definitely didn't mean to come off as greedy by saying I wanted money. I just meant, if people are insisting on giving gifts, I'd rather have money that I can put towards things I need. I did have a friend whose family threw her a "money shower," where we were asked to give money instead of gifts, but I didn't really mind. In my mind, I was either going to spend the money on a gift, or give it right to her. So, I was fine with it. However, she had a traditional wedding.

    I think I'm definitely going to mention to my mom that a wedding shower may not be a good idea, since I'm already asking guests to spend so much on a trip! And if someone asks where we're registered, she can mention that we don't need anything, and to maybe suggest something small or hint that money would be better than a gift.

    Thanks a bunch for the tips. They were very helpful.
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  • FuzzyButtStinkyFaceFuzzyButtStinkyFace member
    First Comment
    bethsmiles said:
    FuzzyButtStinkyFace said:
    I appreciate your help, but I feel like most of you are coming down on me pretty hard, so I guess I should be more clear.

    1. I am unclear about the wedding packages that are offered. I have seen some that say "max. 30 people," however there is a dinner afterwards included in the price and they've listed a fee per person for extra guests. None of the wedding packages I've looked into address extra guests at the ceremony. I was simply asking if anyone knew how this worked. Once we narrow down our choice of resorts, we will figure that out, I guess. Your post was unclear on what you were planning so people gave you advice on what would be appropriate and what would not. You need to make sure whatever venue you choose can accommodate all of your guests for the ceremony and the reception.

    2. I come from a big, (relatively) traditional, Italian family. My fiancé and I want a simple wedding, but we are struggling to find a balance between what my family wants to do and what we want. My FAMILY is going to be throwing these parties for us. I never said I would be throwing these parties. However, we do need to be involved because I would not want my family to invite anyone who was not invited to the wedding. Right now, our resort, wedding date, and guest list aren't even confirmed and my family has already planned an engagement party and invited some extended family. So, this is why I'm worrying about it. You need to talk to your parents and tell them to stop because if people are invited to the engagement party they must be invited to the wedding. Be firm on this. Inviting people to pre-wedding parties but not the wedding looks gift-grabby and is tacky.

    3. I did not say I would ask for gifts or money. My mother keeps asking me where we are registered because other family members are asking. My fiancé and I have a house and are pretty well established. We don't need a blender or a kettle. We could use a new bed set, but I can't ask for that as a gift. Which is why I'd rather receive money (IF ANYTHING). Maybe we come from different places. I have never found "monetary gifts preferred" or "Stag & Does" tacky. I WANT to help out friends and family who are getting married. Maybe it's a Canadian thing? Or an Italian thing? I actually really enjoy going to showers and Stag & Does because there are games, drinks, dancing, prizes, and they're usually a lot of fun. I was just asking if this tacky because my guests will already be spending so much to attend my wedding. It's not a Canadian thing or an Italian thing. It's a rude thing. You are choosing to have a wedding so you need to be an adult and pay for it yourselves, not ask your guests to pay for it. If you don't want to register you don't need to people. When people hear you aren't registered they'll probably give you cash as a gift but it's rude to say "monetary gifts preferred" because you should not assume that people are going to give you gifts.

    4. I was actually invited to a DW where I was told that I was part of the second round of invites. I wasn't offended at all! Obviously the couple needs to make sure family and closer friends can attend before they invited me. If they hadn't told me though, I wouldn't have known. So I don't see how this is rude. Just because you didn't care doesn't mean that bride and groom weren't horribly rude. It's rude because it's ranking people and will hurt feelings. And because b-listing means the bride and groom are inviting people just to fill seats and get more presents not because they are the people they want there most. I'm never offended if I'm not invited to a wedding but I'm definitely offended if I'm just invited so there are a certain number of people or so the bride and groom can get more gifts.

    Thanks again for your responses. My fiancé, family, and I will have to sit down and talk this over!

    Sorry. Stag & Does and asking for monetary gifts is certainly not an Italian thing. I misspoke. Italians love to GIVE money, but they would never ask for it. However, in my group of friends, stag & does are pretty popular. I have even seen acquaintances advertise theirs on Facebook. And Stag & Does are for anyone to attend, as long as they buy a ticket. The ones I've been to have all had a large number of attendees.

    I just did some quick research on them and apparently they are pretty popular in Southern Ontario (which is where I'm from), Manitoba, and some other parts of Canada. So, I don't think it's "tacky and rude" to have one. It just depends on where you're from and what you're used to. You may be offended by them (even though these parties are advertised, so you don't have to feel obligated to attend since you aren't actually invited), but it just depends on how you look at it.

    My issue is, if a Stag & Doe is a normal thing among my friends, and they don't see it as this horrible, tacky, money-grab, how would they feel about attending one for a DW? It's not necessary for us, but just something we've talked about.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    FuzzyButtStinkyFace said:
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    The fact that you are OK with being B-listed and being told to give cash only doesn't make either of those things any less rude. It means you're OK with your friends treating you rudely.
    Or could it mean that I am an understanding person? Maybe I'm easy going? I would never let someone treat me rudely. However, I wasn't bothered by these things. Just because you think they are rude, doesn't mean that that was intended or that I should find it rude. Different people are bothered by different things.

    Why would I give a couple who has already lived together for a year a set of plates? I would rather give the couple something they can use. Like money. And it's easy. How is asking for money, in lieu of presents, any "ruder" than being invited to a shower/birthday party/Christmas dinner and being expected to bring gifts? Showers and birthday parties for children, and Christmas by way of tradition, are gift giving events.  The purpose of those events (excluding Christmas) is to give gifts to the guest of honor.  However, asking for money in lieu of gifts is not only stupid, because money is a gift, but it is rude because one should never expect gifts from guests, especially wedding guests.  I can see where you might expect a gift from a guest at a shower, which we have established is a gift giving event, but you still shouldn't presume to tell your guests how to give you anything.  They are free to give you anything they wish or nothing at all.  Other friends I spoke to about it didn't seem to have a problem with it either.  That doesn't make it less rude.  Common or accepted does not equal etiquette-acceptable or not rude.  Your friends are giving you bad advice.  I had mentioned that I never thought about having a "money shower," instead of a bridal/wedding shower and that it was a neat idea. My other friends agreed.  Oh Lord please do not do this!  A few weeks back someone mentioned that they had gone to a money shower out of obligation to their FI and for family political reasons and she said it was tacky and awkward.  What the heck are you supposed to do at a money shower?  Do you open each envelope and show everyone how much money each person gave you?  Do you just sit around a talk and eat?  Well in that case have a bridal luncheon, not a shower, if you don't want physical gifts.

    And as for my friends who "B listed" us, we aren't super close with them. We realize it's tough to fit everyone in and were happy to just be invited (even though we couldn't make it).  Why would you be happy to just be invited as an after thought to a DW for ppl you are not close to, which would have likely cost you more to attend than a regular wedding?



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    FuzzyButtStinkyFace said:
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    The fact that you are OK with being B-listed and being told to give cash only doesn't make either of those things any less rude. It means you're OK with your friends treating you rudely.
    Or could it mean that I am an understanding person? Maybe I'm easy going? I would never let someone treat me rudely. However, I wasn't bothered by these things. Just because you think they are rude, doesn't mean that that was intended or that I should find it rude. Different people are bothered by different things.

    Why would I give a couple who has already lived together for a year a set of plates? I would rather give the couple something they can use. Like money. And it's easy. How is asking for money, in lieu of presents, any "ruder" than being invited to a shower/birthday party/Christmas dinner and being expected to bring gifts? Other friends I spoke to about it didn't seem to have a problem with it either. I had mentioned that I never thought about having a "money shower," instead of a bridal/wedding shower and that it was a neat idea. My other friends agreed.

    And as for my friends who "B listed" us, we aren't super close with them. We realize it's tough to fit everyone in and were happy to just be invited (even though we couldn't make it).

    I'm a very understanding person, which is why I would never be offended at not being invited to a wedding. I completely understand that weddings are expensive and you can only invite so many people. What I'm not understanding of is inviting me as an after-thought so that the bride and groom can get more gifts.

    Also, there is nothing wrong with giving money as a wedding present. But there absolutely is something wrong with asking for money because you should never assume people are going to give you gifts. You should never expect presents. So yes, asking for money as a wedding gift is just as rude as inviting someone to any other party and expecting gifts.


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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Regarding the Stag and Doe - I would also caution against this (and showers for anything other than physical gifts, as well as destination bachelor/bachelorette parties) if you do a destination wedding.  Destination weddings can be VERY expensive for your guests.  For the aforementioned St. Lucia wedding I just got back from, it cost FI & I over $3k for flights and 4 nights accommodations in the least expensive room at the host resort.  They aren't too expensive for the bride and groom generally but they are very expensive for your guests.

    For that reason, asking for additional money/gifts/travel is a little bit rough.  We did not give a gift at this wedding because of the cost of our attendance (we did give them a card).  If you are wanting money/gifts, a destination wedding isn't going to be a good idea; even if people do give you gifts, they will most likely spend less than they would have if you had gotten married closer to home.  You will also have to accept that because of the cost, a lot of people will be unable to attend.  The groom at this wedding had some groomsmen drop out of the wedding because they couldn't afford to attend.
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
    ugh sorry my computer keeps double posting tonight.
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  • AshleyNicole1218AshleyNicole1218 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    You know it's going to be a good one when it gets 28 posts in less than 10 hours.

    Clearly the stickys (stickies?) aren't effective when practically every discussion is about PPD, cash bars, B-listing, hosting your own parties, honeyfunds AND/OR stag & does.
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