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Destination Wedding Etiquette

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Re: Destination Wedding Etiquette

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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer
    OP - I'm not reading all the comments above so I assume some, if not all of your questions may have been answered. That said, having looked at what feels like 1,000 venues online for our DW in Mexico, I think you may be confusing the wedding packages the venues offer with what they can actually accommodate.  For example, our wedding package is for up to 20 people. It is $X for that number, even if we only have 15. Every guest over that number there is an additional charge for them. It is not that the hotel cannot accommodate groups over 20, it is that they will charge a la carte for guests 21-whatever. Also, just so you are aware many resorts charge a fee to guests attending the function who are not staying at the resort. That fee has nothing to do with whether they are part of the 20 (or whatever the package is for). It is a separate fee that you should know about in advance as it could get costly. Make sure to inquire. 

    As for pre-wedding parties, generally the host(s) should only invite those you will be inviting to the wedding. BUT DW's create a different set of rules as many uninvited people will actually offer to host things such as showers and bachelorette parties even though they know they will not be invited. 

    AHR's are also a little different just by their virtue. It makes no sense to have a party where you live and invite only the people who attended your DW! We decided we would invite those who attended the DW, but would not be offended if they declined (many do not live where we do and it would be even more travel/time off from work for them). But we have a lot of friends and relatives who are not invited or who will not be attending who we want to party with. Hence the AHR. 

    Best of luck and happy travels!


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    msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    My destination wedding is in 4 months. So, I've been through all of this. I found travel agents to be useless in helping to plan the actual wedding, all they can do is help plan travel. Contact your top resorts and ask what is available in their wedding packages. Picking a resort is a pain, and really no less expensive then a local wedding. Especially if you want menu choices, a private event, and an upscale resort. Most places will allow you to host a larger wedding, however, there will be additional costs per person, and as PP said, you need a chair at the ceremony and at the reception for every person. Also, for every person not staying at the resort, there is likely an additional resort fee per person. Asking for cash is never cool, don't do it (stag & doe included). Make a small registry, if your guests give you anything after paying to attend a destination wedding, then you are lucky. Whomever throws you a shower can invite anyone off your wedding guestlist, but not those who aren't invited. If you have a party after the wedding, it is NOT a reception. It's a party, no big white dress, no first dance, no cake cutting. Then, you can invite anyone you want. 

    We invited our full guest list to our destination wedding. We have 75 people likely coming (invitations haven't gone out yet). Our wedding is at a restaurant instead of a resort and we have a local planner. This gave us a lot more options when it came to privacy, our own decorations, and menu choices. Plus, there's no visiting guest fee. 

    There's a destination wedding board if you are looking for any more "destination wedding" specific advice. 
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    missax said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    AHR's are also a little different just by their virtue. It makes no sense to have a party where you live and invite only the people who attended your DW! We decided we would invite those who attended the DW, but would not be offended if they declined (many do not live where we do and it would be even more travel/time off from work for them). But we have a lot of friends and relatives who are not invited or who will not be attending who we want to party with. Hence the AHR. 

    Best of luck and happy travels!


    While her heart might be in the right place, this is the Etiquette board and so I have to say this idea seems rude to me.  I think it sends the following message to the AHR guests:

    "Hey guys!  Sorry you weren't important enough to my Husband and I to be invited to the actual wedding and reception, but come join us at this party we are hosting in our own honor where we will celebrate, talk about, and look at pictures from the wedding you weren't invited to."

    I think this is especially bad if the bride is prancing around in her wedding dress, they make a big deal about cutting the cake, etc.
    Don't forget the extra gifts she'll be getting from a new batch of guests.

    Why can't people grasp how rude this is to do?!
    They can't grasp this concept because the one's planning such a thing don't give a shit about others feelings because it is a "me, me, all about me" world to them.

    My feeling is if you want to party with a certain group of people then why not just invite them all to your wedding in the first place?  Not doing so and then having a AHR thinking that you are doing your friends and family a favor by giving them a chance to celebrate you is just ridiculous.

    Please people, remember that the actual act of marrying your FI is what people want to see.  They aren't just coming for the party.

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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer
    Maggie0829 said:
    missax said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    AHR's are also a little different just by their virtue. It makes no sense to have a party where you live and invite only the people who attended your DW! We decided we would invite those who attended the DW, but would not be offended if they declined (many do not live where we do and it would be even more travel/time off from work for them). But we have a lot of friends and relatives who are not invited or who will not be attending who we want to party with. Hence the AHR. 

    Best of luck and happy travels!


    While her heart might be in the right place, this is the Etiquette board and so I have to say this idea seems rude to me.  I think it sends the following message to the AHR guests:

    "Hey guys!  Sorry you weren't important enough to my Husband and I to be invited to the actual wedding and reception, but come join us at this party we are hosting in our own honor where we will celebrate, talk about, and look at pictures from the wedding you weren't invited to." For us, as I cannot say what the motivation for other DW brides is, it's never been a matter of "importance". It's always been a matter of finances. I assume it's the same thing for most others. We can afford a DW for 30 people, not damn near 300. We can throw a pretty awesome casual party for a large group of people when we get back because we are in the bar business and are getting hooked up. Our AHR (for lack of a better name) will not be in the same vein as an actual reception. (See next paragraph).

    I think this is especially bad if the bride is prancing around in her wedding dress, they make a big deal about cutting the cake, etc. For us, no dress, no cake, no first dance, and DEAR LORD no garter/bouquet business. Although the no dress thing may kill me since I finally decided to wear one and am in love with it, it may be hard to resist!
    Don't forget the extra gifts she'll be getting from a new batch of guests. Nope, no gifts. I refuse to play the we-can't-acknowledge-that-people-bring-gifts-to-weddings-and-receptions-so-I'm-not-going-to-mention-it-because-that-would-seem-rude-to-imply-what-we-already-know-is-the-common-protocol game. We're cutting through the bullshit and requesting "no gifts." 

    Why can't people grasp how rude this is to do?! 
    They can't grasp this concept because the one's planning such a thing don't give a shit about others feelings because it is a "me, me, all about me" world to them.

    My feeling is if you want to party with a certain group of people then why not just invite them all to your wedding in the first place?  Not doing so and then having a AHR thinking that you are doing your friends and family a favor by giving them a chance to celebrate you is just ridiculous. I'd never think we're doing anyone a favor by inviting them to a party. That's just silly. It doesn't seem rude to me when stacks of friends and family have asked us, not the other way around, "hey, are you guys having a party or something when you get back?" If someone is truly offended they are invited to a fun party with hosted food and drinks to celebrate with us, I sure hope they decline the invite. And break off whatever relationship we have, because I don't think I want to associate with anyone butt hurt over a party invite. 

    I seriously cannot imagine possessing such a grand amount of self importance that I (a) get butt hurt someone couldn't afford to invite me to their small DW wedding then (b) actually get pissed off they threw a smaller, less grandiose party and invited me. I hope lightening strikes me if I'm ever that bitter of a dickhead! 

    Please people, remember that the actual act of marrying your FI is what people want to see.  They aren't just coming for the party. That's very presumptuous. 
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    missax said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    AHR's are also a little different just by their virtue. It makes no sense to have a party where you live and invite only the people who attended your DW! We decided we would invite those who attended the DW, but would not be offended if they declined (many do not live where we do and it would be even more travel/time off from work for them). But we have a lot of friends and relatives who are not invited or who will not be attending who we want to party with. Hence the AHR. 

    Best of luck and happy travels!


    While her heart might be in the right place, this is the Etiquette board and so I have to say this idea seems rude to me.  I think it sends the following message to the AHR guests:

    "Hey guys!  Sorry you weren't important enough to my Husband and I to be invited to the actual wedding and reception, but come join us at this party we are hosting in our own honor where we will celebrate, talk about, and look at pictures from the wedding you weren't invited to." For us, as I cannot say what the motivation for other DW brides is, it's never been a matter of "importance". It's always been a matter of finances. I assume it's the same thing for most others. We can afford a DW for 30 people, not damn near 300. We can throw a pretty awesome casual party for a large group of people when we get back because we are in the bar business and are getting hooked up. Our AHR (for lack of a better name) will not be in the same vein as an actual reception. (See next paragraph).

    I think this is especially bad if the bride is prancing around in her wedding dress, they make a big deal about cutting the cake, etc. For us, no dress, no cake, no first dance, and DEAR LORD no garter/bouquet business. Although the no dress thing may kill me since I finally decided to wear one and am in love with it, it may be hard to resist!

    Sorry, my comments weren't directed at you, but in general.  To me the AHRs just rub me the wrong way, even though I know that is not the intent.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    missax said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    AHR's are also a little different just by their virtue. It makes no sense to have a party where you live and invite only the people who attended your DW! We decided we would invite those who attended the DW, but would not be offended if they declined (many do not live where we do and it would be even more travel/time off from work for them). But we have a lot of friends and relatives who are not invited or who will not be attending who we want to party with. Hence the AHR. 

    Best of luck and happy travels!


    While her heart might be in the right place, this is the Etiquette board and so I have to say this idea seems rude to me.  I think it sends the following message to the AHR guests:

    "Hey guys!  Sorry you weren't important enough to my Husband and I to be invited to the actual wedding and reception, but come join us at this party we are hosting in our own honor where we will celebrate, talk about, and look at pictures from the wedding you weren't invited to." For us, as I cannot say what the motivation for other DW brides is, it's never been a matter of "importance". It's always been a matter of finances. I assume it's the same thing for most others. We can afford a DW for 30 people, not damn near 300. We can throw a pretty awesome casual party for a large group of people when we get back because we are in the bar business and are getting hooked up. Our AHR (for lack of a better name) will not be in the same vein as an actual reception. (See next paragraph).

    I think this is especially bad if the bride is prancing around in her wedding dress, they make a big deal about cutting the cake, etc. For us, no dress, no cake, no first dance, and DEAR LORD no garter/bouquet business. Although the no dress thing may kill me since I finally decided to wear one and am in love with it, it may be hard to resist!

    Sorry, my comments weren't directed at you, but in general.  To me the AHRs just rub me the wrong way, even though I know that is not the intent.
    It's all good. I don't think anyone holding one does so with the intent to offend, us included. It's ok to have things that get under your skin. For me it's the Chicken Dance at weddings, shit drives me nuts! :-)

    In all reality though, I doubt many of the things people do that end up offending someone was done with malicious intent (see also: cash bars, false start times and tiered receptions to name a few). In some ways even I fear our at-home party is a tiered-type thing but as I said, it's either we celebrate with a lot of people we wish we could have hosted in Mexico when we get back, or not at all. Many of these people's encouragements made the decision easier. 

    But hey, my FI told me the other day he B-listed some friends. I almost died. He looked at me like the B-list concept was the silliest thing he'd ever heard of and all I could do was walk away shaking my head and laughing bc I can see where he's looking at it purely mathematically. I cannot stress over every rule and regulation ever and would rather roll with the punches and throw a few great parties people will enjoy and remember (even if poor Bob and Caleb have to wait for someone else to decline for one of them first, smh ;-)
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    Rebl90Rebl90 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    So I know the topic strayed a bit, but I can't help it:


    What "money showers" look like to the bride/groom:
    image

    What they look like to their family and friends:
    imageimage
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    MoreChocolatePleaseMoreChocolatePlease member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    OP, planning a wedding far from home is tricky and requires tons of research - at least that's my experience. It's a lot of work and very stressful at times. As some ladies have already mentioned, what you need to do is go past the packages listed on the hotel's website and inquire about your numbers and situation.  They should be able to accommodate them, for a fee, and if they don't move on to the next candidate. I am getting married at a small beach club because I wanted flexibility, but I'm paying for it. I found the more you personalize details the most it generally costs.  

    Also, I did not find working with a travel agent to be helpful. I spoke with both a US based one and international one and both just dealt with booking hotel rooms and flights. I was able to find cheaper flights online and while I did end up working with the international TA to book rooms, I wish I hadn't.

    Maggie0829: "My feeling is if you want to party with a certain group of people then why not just invite them all to your wedding in the first place?  Not doing so and then having a AHR thinking that you are doing your friends and family a favor by giving them a chance to celebrate you is just ridiculous." 

    I absolutely agree with Maggie0829. I'm inviting everyone on our finalized guest list to the actual wedding and IF we even do something at home, everyone will be invited to that as well. To tier things (immediate family ceremony aside), would be terribly rude and hurtful, in my opinion. I dislike wedding related events that do that. I once was invited to a wedding shower, but not the wedding and it really hurt! 
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    missax said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    AHR's are also a little different just by their virtue. It makes no sense to have a party where you live and invite only the people who attended your DW! We decided we would invite those who attended the DW, but would not be offended if they declined (many do not live where we do and it would be even more travel/time off from work for them). But we have a lot of friends and relatives who are not invited or who will not be attending who we want to party with. Hence the AHR. 

    Best of luck and happy travels!


    While her heart might be in the right place, this is the Etiquette board and so I have to say this idea seems rude to me.  I think it sends the following message to the AHR guests:

    "Hey guys!  Sorry you weren't important enough to my Husband and I to be invited to the actual wedding and reception, but come join us at this party we are hosting in our own honor where we will celebrate, talk about, and look at pictures from the wedding you weren't invited to." For us, as I cannot say what the motivation for other DW brides is, it's never been a matter of "importance". It's always been a matter of finances. I assume it's the same thing for most others. We can afford a DW for 30 people, not damn near 300. We can throw a pretty awesome casual party for a large group of people when we get back because we are in the bar business and are getting hooked up. Our AHR (for lack of a better name) will not be in the same vein as an actual reception. (See next paragraph).

    I think this is especially bad if the bride is prancing around in her wedding dress, they make a big deal about cutting the cake, etc. For us, no dress, no cake, no first dance, and DEAR LORD no garter/bouquet business. Although the no dress thing may kill me since I finally decided to wear one and am in love with it, it may be hard to resist!
    Don't forget the extra gifts she'll be getting from a new batch of guests. Nope, no gifts. I refuse to play the we-can't-acknowledge-that-people-bring-gifts-to-weddings-and-receptions-so-I'm-not-going-to-mention-it-because-that-would-seem-rude-to-imply-what-we-already-know-is-the-common-protocol game. We're cutting through the bullshit and requesting "no gifts." 

    Why can't people grasp how rude this is to do?! 
    They can't grasp this concept because the one's planning such a thing don't give a shit about others feelings because it is a "me, me, all about me" world to them.

    My feeling is if you want to party with a certain group of people then why not just invite them all to your wedding in the first place?  Not doing so and then having a AHR thinking that you are doing your friends and family a favor by giving them a chance to celebrate you is just ridiculous. I'd never think we're doing anyone a favor by inviting them to a party. That's just silly. It doesn't seem rude to me when stacks of friends and family have asked us, not the other way around, "hey, are you guys having a party or something when you get back?" If someone is truly offended they are invited to a fun party with hosted food and drinks to celebrate with us, I sure hope they decline the invite. And break off whatever relationship we have, because I don't think I want to associate with anyone butt hurt over a party invite. 

    I seriously cannot imagine possessing such a grand amount of self importance that I (a) get butt hurt someone couldn't afford to invite me to their small DW wedding then (b) actually get pissed off they threw a smaller, less grandiose party and invited me. I hope lightening strikes me if I'm ever that bitter of a dickhead! 

    Please people, remember that the actual act of marrying your FI is what people want to see.  They aren't just coming for the party. That's very presumptuous. 
    But what doesn't make sense is you say that you wouldn't get hurt if they couldn't invite you to their DW but then you wouldn't get pissed if they threw an AHR later.  See what I am trying to say is the whole "well I couldn't afford to invite you to the actual wedding but I can afford to throw a repeat performance at home that you are invited to" confuses the hell out of me.  Either you can afford to host everyone at one party or you can't.  Don't give me that "oh we don't have it in our budget" but then turn around and throw another party when you get home.  Apparently you did have it in your budget but you just didn't want to invite me to your actual wedding but rather the AHR where you just want my gift not really my present.

    And for the last bolded.  If my friends and family cared more about a fucking party then the fact that I am marrying the love of my life then I really would rather not associate with them anymore.

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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Maggie0829 said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    missax said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    AHR's are also a little different just by their virtue. It makes no sense to have a party where you live and invite only the people who attended your DW! We decided we would invite those who attended the DW, but would not be offended if they declined (many do not live where we do and it would be even more travel/time off from work for them). But we have a lot of friends and relatives who are not invited or who will not be attending who we want to party with. Hence the AHR. 

    Best of luck and happy travels!


    While her heart might be in the right place, this is the Etiquette board and so I have to say this idea seems rude to me.  I think it sends the following message to the AHR guests:

    "Hey guys!  Sorry you weren't important enough to my Husband and I to be invited to the actual wedding and reception, but come join us at this party we are hosting in our own honor where we will celebrate, talk about, and look at pictures from the wedding you weren't invited to." For us, as I cannot say what the motivation for other DW brides is, it's never been a matter of "importance". It's always been a matter of finances. I assume it's the same thing for most others. We can afford a DW for 30 people, not damn near 300. We can throw a pretty awesome casual party for a large group of people when we get back because we are in the bar business and are getting hooked up. Our AHR (for lack of a better name) will not be in the same vein as an actual reception. (See next paragraph).

    I think this is especially bad if the bride is prancing around in her wedding dress, they make a big deal about cutting the cake, etc. For us, no dress, no cake, no first dance, and DEAR LORD no garter/bouquet business. Although the no dress thing may kill me since I finally decided to wear one and am in love with it, it may be hard to resist!
    Don't forget the extra gifts she'll be getting from a new batch of guests. Nope, no gifts. I refuse to play the we-can't-acknowledge-that-people-bring-gifts-to-weddings-and-receptions-so-I'm-not-going-to-mention-it-because-that-would-seem-rude-to-imply-what-we-already-know-is-the-common-protocol game. We're cutting through the bullshit and requesting "no gifts." 

    Why can't people grasp how rude this is to do?! 
    They can't grasp this concept because the one's planning such a thing don't give a shit about others feelings because it is a "me, me, all about me" world to them.

    My feeling is if you want to party with a certain group of people then why not just invite them all to your wedding in the first place?  Not doing so and then having a AHR thinking that you are doing your friends and family a favor by giving them a chance to celebrate you is just ridiculous. I'd never think we're doing anyone a favor by inviting them to a party. That's just silly. It doesn't seem rude to me when stacks of friends and family have asked us, not the other way around, "hey, are you guys having a party or something when you get back?" If someone is truly offended they are invited to a fun party with hosted food and drinks to celebrate with us, I sure hope they decline the invite. And break off whatever relationship we have, because I don't think I want to associate with anyone butt hurt over a party invite. 

    I seriously cannot imagine possessing such a grand amount of self importance that I (a) get butt hurt someone couldn't afford to invite me to their small DW wedding then (b) actually get pissed off they threw a smaller, less grandiose party and invited me. I hope lightening strikes me if I'm ever that bitter of a dickhead! 

    Please people, remember that the actual act of marrying your FI is what people want to see.  They aren't just coming for the party. That's very presumptuous. 
    But what doesn't make sense is you say that you wouldn't get hurt if they couldn't invite you to their DW but then you wouldn't get pissed if they threw an AHR later.  See what I am trying to say is the whole "well I couldn't afford to invite you to the actual wedding but I can afford to throw a repeat performance at home that you are invited to" confuses the hell out of me.  Either you can afford to host everyone at one party or you can't.  Don't give me that "oh we don't have it in our budget" but then turn around and throw another party when you get home.  Apparently you did have it in your budget but you just didn't want to invite me to your actual wedding but rather the AHR where you just want my gift not really my present.

    And for the last bolded.  If my friends and family cared more about a fucking party then the fact that I am marrying the love of my life then I really would rather not associate with them anymore.
    Most of the brides that I know care more about the party.  

    Just saying.
    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    DragonBlood13 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    missax said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    AHR's are also a little different just by their virtue. It makes no sense to have a party where you live and invite only the people who attended your DW! We decided we would invite those who attended the DW, but would not be offended if they declined (many do not live where we do and it would be even more travel/time off from work for them). But we have a lot of friends and relatives who are not invited or who will not be attending who we want to party with. Hence the AHR. 

    Best of luck and happy travels!


    While her heart might be in the right place, this is the Etiquette board and so I have to say this idea seems rude to me.  I think it sends the following message to the AHR guests:

    "Hey guys!  Sorry you weren't important enough to my Husband and I to be invited to the actual wedding and reception, but come join us at this party we are hosting in our own honor where we will celebrate, talk about, and look at pictures from the wedding you weren't invited to." For us, as I cannot say what the motivation for other DW brides is, it's never been a matter of "importance". It's always been a matter of finances. I assume it's the same thing for most others. We can afford a DW for 30 people, not damn near 300. We can throw a pretty awesome casual party for a large group of people when we get back because we are in the bar business and are getting hooked up. Our AHR (for lack of a better name) will not be in the same vein as an actual reception. (See next paragraph).

    I think this is especially bad if the bride is prancing around in her wedding dress, they make a big deal about cutting the cake, etc. For us, no dress, no cake, no first dance, and DEAR LORD no garter/bouquet business. Although the no dress thing may kill me since I finally decided to wear one and am in love with it, it may be hard to resist!
    Don't forget the extra gifts she'll be getting from a new batch of guests. Nope, no gifts. I refuse to play the we-can't-acknowledge-that-people-bring-gifts-to-weddings-and-receptions-so-I'm-not-going-to-mention-it-because-that-would-seem-rude-to-imply-what-we-already-know-is-the-common-protocol game. We're cutting through the bullshit and requesting "no gifts." 

    Why can't people grasp how rude this is to do?! 
    They can't grasp this concept because the one's planning such a thing don't give a shit about others feelings because it is a "me, me, all about me" world to them.

    My feeling is if you want to party with a certain group of people then why not just invite them all to your wedding in the first place?  Not doing so and then having a AHR thinking that you are doing your friends and family a favor by giving them a chance to celebrate you is just ridiculous. I'd never think we're doing anyone a favor by inviting them to a party. That's just silly. It doesn't seem rude to me when stacks of friends and family have asked us, not the other way around, "hey, are you guys having a party or something when you get back?" If someone is truly offended they are invited to a fun party with hosted food and drinks to celebrate with us, I sure hope they decline the invite. And break off whatever relationship we have, because I don't think I want to associate with anyone butt hurt over a party invite. 

    I seriously cannot imagine possessing such a grand amount of self importance that I (a) get butt hurt someone couldn't afford to invite me to their small DW wedding then (b) actually get pissed off they threw a smaller, less grandiose party and invited me. I hope lightening strikes me if I'm ever that bitter of a dickhead! 

    Please people, remember that the actual act of marrying your FI is what people want to see.  They aren't just coming for the party. That's very presumptuous. 
    But what doesn't make sense is you say that you wouldn't get hurt if they couldn't invite you to their DW but then you wouldn't get pissed if they threw an AHR later.  See what I am trying to say is the whole "well I couldn't afford to invite you to the actual wedding but I can afford to throw a repeat performance at home that you are invited to" confuses the hell out of me.  Either you can afford to host everyone at one party or you can't.  Don't give me that "oh we don't have it in our budget" but then turn around and throw another party when you get home.  Apparently you did have it in your budget but you just didn't want to invite me to your actual wedding but rather the AHR where you just want my gift not really my present.

    And for the last bolded.  If my friends and family cared more about a fucking party then the fact that I am marrying the love of my life then I really would rather not associate with them anymore.
    Most of the brides that I know care more about the party.  

    Just saying.
    So why bother getting married in that case?  It isn't necessary to take out a license, buy an expensive white dress, go through counseling, and do all the other things involved in getting married if all they want is a party.  If they really care about those other things, then the tradeoff is that one needs to sign a license and have a legally binding ceremony.
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    Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
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    DragonBlood13 said:
    Most of the brides that I know care more about the party.  

    Just saying.
    That, to me, is so sad and probably not far from the truth (for the general population, not necessariy those of us here). Of course, we tend to focus more on the planning of the reception because it has so many more moving parts, but that doesn't mean it's more important than the actually getting married part. I don't know about anybody else, but I'd give up the party in a heartbeat if that was what I had to do in order to marry my FI.
    ~*~*~*~*~

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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    @Maggie0829 and @Jen4948, no need to get all riled up about it.  

    If the ceremony and vows are what is most important, then why do any of us throw the big party?  Why not just elope?


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    Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
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    DragonBlood13 said:
    @Maggie0829 and @Jen4948, no need to get all riled up about it.  

    If the ceremony and vows are what is most important, then why do any of us throw the big party?  Why not just elope?
     
    Having the reception is to thank your guests for coming to witness the getting married part. If you care to have your family and friends with you when you're committing yourself to someone you love, greeting them and providing them with refreshments is the polite thing to do.
    ~*~*~*~*~

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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    Cookie Pusher said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    @Maggie0829 and @Jen4948, no need to get all riled up about it.  

    If the ceremony and vows are what is most important, then why do any of us throw the big party?  Why not just elope?
     
    Having the reception is to thank your guests for coming to witness the getting married part. If you care to have your family and friends with you when you're committing yourself to someone you love, greeting them and providing them with refreshments is the polite thing to do.
    LOL.  Thank you for the refresher in E 101.

    I'm playing devils advocate here.  If the ceremony and vows are all that matters, why does anyone throw the big to do?  Why not just make it about the two of you?  

    I'm just pointing out that maybe most of my friends look forward to the party afterwards to celebrate, but it's doing the same thing.  Thanking the guests for coming to the ceremony.  
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    DragonBlood13 said:
    @Maggie0829 and @Jen4948, no need to get all riled up about it.  

    If the ceremony and vows are what is most important, then why do any of us throw the big party?  Why not just elope?


    Wedding ceremonies are followed by receptions in order to thank the guests for taking the time and money out of their lives to witness your wedding ceremony-not as an ego stroke for the couple.  Receptions don't have to be big and expensives, but the guests need to be adequately hosted afterwards, and this means that the couple have to take upon themselves all of the costs of hosting them, including paying for sufficient food and drinks, including any alcoholic drinks.  It is okay for them to have a dry wedding or limited bar.

    If the couple don't want to thank anyone for attending, or pay for any of the hosting costs, then they can elope.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    DragonBlood13 said:
    Cookie Pusher said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    @Maggie0829 and @Jen4948, no need to get all riled up about it.  

    If the ceremony and vows are what is most important, then why do any of us throw the big party?  Why not just elope?
     
    Having the reception is to thank your guests for coming to witness the getting married part. If you care to have your family and friends with you when you're committing yourself to someone you love, greeting them and providing them with refreshments is the polite thing to do.
    LOL.  Thank you for the refresher in E 101.

    I'm playing devils advocate here.  If the ceremony and vows are all that matters, why does anyone throw the big to do?  Why not just make it about the two of you?  

    I'm just pointing out that maybe most of my friends look forward to the party afterwards to celebrate, but it's doing the same thing.  Thanking the guests for coming to the ceremony.  
    Because a lot of people want to share that special moment of marrying the person they love with the people that mean the most to them such as family and friends.  I could not have imagined getting married without those individuals around me and neither could my H.  If we didn't want or didn't feel it necessary to have those individuals witness our marriage then we would have just eloped.

    And I am not riled up.  I just think it is shitty when people don't care about the sole reason why the party is occurring.  If all you want to do is drink and eat then go to a bar.

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Oh and I would like to add that if any of my friends had said to me that they only cared about the party and not the ceremony, their asses would not have been invited.  Why in the world would I want to shell out money for them to eat and drink and dance at the reception when they could give a shit less about the ceremony part?  That to me screams that they just really don't care about you and your FI as a couple.

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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    Jen4948 said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    @Maggie0829 and @Jen4948, no need to get all riled up about it.  

    If the ceremony and vows are what is most important, then why do any of us throw the big party?  Why not just elope?


    Wedding ceremonies are followed by receptions in order to thank the guests for taking the time and money out of their lives to witness your wedding ceremony-not as an ego stroke for the couple.  Receptions don't have to be big and expensives, but the guests need to be adequately hosted afterwards, and this means that the couple have to take upon themselves all of the costs of hosting them, including paying for sufficient food and drinks, including any alcoholic drinks.  It is okay for them to have a dry wedding or limited bar.

    If the couple don't want to thank anyone for attending, or pay for any of the hosting costs, then they can elope.
    Nevermind.  You obviously aren't understanding what I'm throwing down.


    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    DragonBlood13 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    @Maggie0829 and @Jen4948, no need to get all riled up about it.  

    If the ceremony and vows are what is most important, then why do any of us throw the big party?  Why not just elope?


    Wedding ceremonies are followed by receptions in order to thank the guests for taking the time and money out of their lives to witness your wedding ceremony-not as an ego stroke for the couple.  Receptions don't have to be big and expensives, but the guests need to be adequately hosted afterwards, and this means that the couple have to take upon themselves all of the costs of hosting them, including paying for sufficient food and drinks, including any alcoholic drinks.  It is okay for them to have a dry wedding or limited bar.

    If the couple don't want to thank anyone for attending, or pay for any of the hosting costs, then they can elope.
    Nevermind.  You obviously aren't understanding what I'm throwing down.


    Yes, actually, I am.  You are wondering why anyone throws a wedding reception after a wedding ceremony.  And what I gave you is the reason why.

    As I said, it doesn't have to be a huge blowout.  It can be a smaller, casual party, provided it agrees with the style and formality of the wedding itself, it is held as soon as possible after the ceremony, and there is enough food and drink for everyone free of charge to them. 
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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    Jen4948 said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    @Maggie0829 and @Jen4948, no need to get all riled up about it.  

    If the ceremony and vows are what is most important, then why do any of us throw the big party?  Why not just elope?


    Wedding ceremonies are followed by receptions in order to thank the guests for taking the time and money out of their lives to witness your wedding ceremony-not as an ego stroke for the couple.  Receptions don't have to be big and expensives, but the guests need to be adequately hosted afterwards, and this means that the couple have to take upon themselves all of the costs of hosting them, including paying for sufficient food and drinks, including any alcoholic drinks.  It is okay for them to have a dry wedding or limited bar.

    If the couple don't want to thank anyone for attending, or pay for any of the hosting costs, then they can elope.
    Nevermind.  You obviously aren't understanding what I'm throwing down.


    Yes, actually, I am.  You are wondering why anyone throws a wedding reception after a wedding ceremony.  And what I gave you is the reason why.

    As I said, it doesn't have to be a huge blowout.  It can be a smaller, casual party, provided it agrees with the style and formality of the wedding itself, it is held as soon as possible after the ceremony, and there is enough food and drink for everyone free of charge to them. 
    Ok.

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    delujm0delujm0 member
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    I think the basic premise here is "hey, second tier guest, it would be really expensive for me to invite you to my actual wedding so you could see me get married.  But, to make it easier on you, I'll have a secondary, less formal party back home so you can attend."

     

    I understand, truly, why a lot of brides do this.  i don't agree with it, but i understand it.  Sometimes, when you're the bride, you assume that everyone you know would love nothing more than to celebrate you, no matter when it is or what the circumstances.  It can be hard to put yourself into the guests' shoes.  Yes, some of your guests truly feel this way and would love you to have a casual party when you get back - and some people just want to eat and drink for free one night, no matter what the occassion.  But truly, this party is about your marriage, and it doesn't make sense to invite people to a celebration of your marriage when you didn't invite them to witness the marriage itself.

     

    If you have a true destination wedding - like the kind where you need a passport because you're going to the Caribbean or something - there's almost no reason to not invite everyone on your guest list.  Most people won't go.  I know everyone says "don't assume people will decline!" but leaving the country is expensive.  And if everyone does go, then luckily for you, you no longer need to have a secondary party at home, so you can take the money you would have used for that to pay for the extra tables at your reception/chairs for your ceremony.  Most AIs charge much less per head at their wedding receptions than you would have to pay in the US, because they know the guests have already paid to stay at the hotel, which is AI.  If a lot of people decline, have your secondary party at home for them, feeling good about your choice because you DID invite them to the wedding, and they were simnply unable to attend.

     

    Obviously, you're going to want to cut your guest list to ABSOLUTE MINIMUM proportions for this - if you have 300 people on there, this isn't the best plan.  But i don't think people that want to have an enormous wedding should even consider a serious DW.  If you have that many people you want to celebrate with, just make it easier on them by hosting your wedding and reception closer to home, and then honeymoon to the Caribbean or whatever.

     

    I will say, having just been a BM in a DW at a Sandals, it was a heck of a lot easier to plan than a wedding at home (provided you're not super type-A...if you are that do not go this route).  It was also a LOT cheaper.  My BFF invited about 80 people, 40 showed up, and it literally cost her 20% of what my wedding at home is going to cost.  20%.  Granted, i'm expecting around 130 people, but still.

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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    missax said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    AHR's are also a little different just by their virtue. It makes no sense to have a party where you live and invite only the people who attended your DW! We decided we would invite those who attended the DW, but would not be offended if they declined (many do not live where we do and it would be even more travel/time off from work for them). But we have a lot of friends and relatives who are not invited or who will not be attending who we want to party with. Hence the AHR. 

    Best of luck and happy travels!


    While her heart might be in the right place, this is the Etiquette board and so I have to say this idea seems rude to me.  I think it sends the following message to the AHR guests:

    "Hey guys!  Sorry you weren't important enough to my Husband and I to be invited to the actual wedding and reception, but come join us at this party we are hosting in our own honor where we will celebrate, talk about, and look at pictures from the wedding you weren't invited to." For us, as I cannot say what the motivation for other DW brides is, it's never been a matter of "importance". It's always been a matter of finances. I assume it's the same thing for most others. We can afford a DW for 30 people, not damn near 300. We can throw a pretty awesome casual party for a large group of people when we get back because we are in the bar business and are getting hooked up. Our AHR (for lack of a better name) will not be in the same vein as an actual reception. (See next paragraph).

    I think this is especially bad if the bride is prancing around in her wedding dress, they make a big deal about cutting the cake, etc. For us, no dress, no cake, no first dance, and DEAR LORD no garter/bouquet business. Although the no dress thing may kill me since I finally decided to wear one and am in love with it, it may be hard to resist!
    Don't forget the extra gifts she'll be getting from a new batch of guests. Nope, no gifts. I refuse to play the we-can't-acknowledge-that-people-bring-gifts-to-weddings-and-receptions-so-I'm-not-going-to-mention-it-because-that-would-seem-rude-to-imply-what-we-already-know-is-the-common-protocol game. We're cutting through the bullshit and requesting "no gifts." 

    Why can't people grasp how rude this is to do?! 
    They can't grasp this concept because the one's planning such a thing don't give a shit about others feelings because it is a "me, me, all about me" world to them.

    My feeling is if you want to party with a certain group of people then why not just invite them all to your wedding in the first place?  Not doing so and then having a AHR thinking that you are doing your friends and family a favor by giving them a chance to celebrate you is just ridiculous. I'd never think we're doing anyone a favor by inviting them to a party. That's just silly. It doesn't seem rude to me when stacks of friends and family have asked us, not the other way around, "hey, are you guys having a party or something when you get back?" If someone is truly offended they are invited to a fun party with hosted food and drinks to celebrate with us, I sure hope they decline the invite. And break off whatever relationship we have, because I don't think I want to associate with anyone butt hurt over a party invite. 

    I seriously cannot imagine possessing such a grand amount of self importance that I (a) get butt hurt someone couldn't afford to invite me to their small DW wedding then (b) actually get pissed off they threw a smaller, less grandiose party and invited me. I hope lightening strikes me if I'm ever that bitter of a dickhead! 

    Please people, remember that the actual act of marrying your FI is what people want to see.  They aren't just coming for the party. That's very presumptuous. 
    But what doesn't make sense is you say that you wouldn't get hurt if they couldn't invite you to their DW but then you wouldn't get pissed if they threw an AHR later.  What doesn't make sense about that? I said I wouldn't be upset either way, and I mean that. I'm not that concerned with what other people do with their money. If you invite me to your DW I may or may not join you, depending on my finances. You invite me to a party locally when you get back, sure, I'll be there. I don't care if I witness the marriage ceremony itself, I really don't. If it happens that I get to be there for it, great. Otherwise, I'll offer my sincere congratulations and proceed to party. Maybe it's an age thing? Most of our friends are on second marriages, have kids (together, or not), and have been established couples for so long that yes, we're still happy and excited for them but if we don't see the I Do's, I'm not going to be bent out of shape about it.  See what I am trying to say is the whole "well I couldn't afford to invite you to the actual wedding but I can afford to throw a repeat performance at home that you are invited to" confuses the hell out of me.  I can see where people would be confused and/or offended if the AHR had all the trappings and expenses of a typical wedding reception. That would raise some eyebrows, certainly. But if it's a much more low-key, inexpensive, casual party, I personally wouldn't wonder much at all what the motivation was. If I did at all. Either you can afford to host everyone at one party or you can't.  Don't give me that "oh we don't have it in our budget" but then turn around and throw another party when you get home.  I can only speak for my own situation. I cannot host an additional possibly 200 people or more on $1,000 in Mexico. That's our AHR budget. As I said, we have a lot of hook ups in our industry. I understand others do not and will possibly be spending more than that. Apparently you did have it in your budget but you just didn't want to invite me to your actual wedding but rather the AHR where you just want my gift not really my present. Again, if it's a grandiose affair with all the benchmarks of a traditional reception, I can see where you're going with this. Again, it wouldn't bother me personally, but I can see where some people could find it worthy of skepticism.

    And for the last bolded.  If my friends and family cared more about a fucking party then the fact that I am marrying the love of my life then I really would rather not associate with them anymore. That's a fair opinion for you to have of your friends and family in your situation. I'm not certain it is universally true or necessary for everyone getting married. 

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    DragonBlood13 said:


    Jen4948 said:


    DragonBlood13 said:

    @Maggie0829 and @Jen4948, no need to get all riled up about it.  

    If the ceremony and vows are what is most important, then why do any of us throw the big party?  Why not just elope?



    Wedding ceremonies are followed by receptions in order to thank the guests for taking the time and money out of their lives to witness your wedding ceremony-not as an ego stroke for the couple.  Receptions don't have to be big and expensives, but the guests need to be adequately hosted afterwards, and this means that the couple have to take upon themselves all of the costs of hosting them, including paying for sufficient food and drinks, including any alcoholic drinks.  It is okay for them to have a dry wedding or limited bar.

    If the couple don't want to thank anyone for attending, or pay for any of the hosting costs, then they can elope.

    Nevermind.  You obviously aren't understanding what I'm throwing down.




    I am. You're saying that if the party doesn't matter at all, then why do we have it? Why don't we all just elope?

    The answer is because marriage is dually a public and a private act. It is a public, legal commitment to another person and the public recitation of vows to someone you love.

    But it is also the very private, very intimate act of becoming joined to one person forever.

    So the reason most of us didn't elope is that there is a public aspect in our churches or lives or whatever of the private emotional connection we feel to our spouses.

    DH and I are Catholic; our marriage was a sacrament and it's a public sacrament, a pledge we made to each other in front of witnesses.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    erinbethperinbethp member
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    edited January 2014
    I'm from Canada too and I agree that a lot of stuff people post here, I've never heard of, or aren't seen as rude or etiquette issues where I grew up. Stag and Does are very very normal and no one I know has any issues with them. People will often buy tickets to them and not go, or buy them for friends of friends' parties just to be supportive. It's common and I've never heard anyone call them tacky or rude ever.

    I've also been to many parties and showers for weddings I've not been invited to. I've been to a lot of open invite showers where the church will host it and whoever can come and give a gift will, or on my dad's side someone will throw one and it will just be open to all of the family and friends. I can see how inviting people to a shower and not the wedding can be seen as rude, but it's not where I'm from.

    I also don't really see a huge issue with B listing as long as it's done tactfully. Again, I know people that have done this and have received b list invites and never heard anyone complain. I think usually most people understand how weddings work and accept that.

    Maybe this is all just cultural differences but these are all things that I would never question as I've seen them time and time again and therefore not considered rude where I'm from or my circle of friends and family.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    What I don't understand @STBMrsEverhart is if you want to celebrate your marriage with all of these people then why would you plan a destination wedding knowing that you would then have to have two different parties?  Why not just plan a wedding at home where you can then include everyone on your wedding day?  That is what I don't understand with your plans and many other brides who want to have a DW but also want a AHR because they can't or don't want to invite everyone to the first event.

    For example, H and I were considering a wedding on the Eastern Shore (about 3 or so hours from our and about 90% of our guests) but after thinking about it we realized that many of the people that we would want at our wedding wouldn't be able to come since it would require a night's stay. So instead of just going on with our Eastern Shore wedding plans we ended up having it local so that our nearest and dearest could come.  Yes, we could have had our wedding as originally planned and then had a party at a later date for all those that couldn't make it but, in our minds, that just didn't make sense when we easily could just have it local and make it easier for everyone to be able to come.

    That is why I don't understand doing what you and others are doing.  It would just seem easier to have it local rather then having to plan two parties.

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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    That is why I don't understand doing what you and others are doing.  It would just seem easier to have it local rather then having to plan two parties.
    Not everyone has a situation as easy as that.

    Both my H and I were not local to where we lived, so no matter where we had it, one side of the family would have to travel.  

    And if we had it where we lived, it was feasible cost wise to have as many people as we wanted to have.

    Therefore, DW, then parties in our hometowns to make our parents happy.  
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