addressing guests' attire

SBbride67 · January 2014

After reading the thread about guests' attire by poor @SarahRashid under "Attire and Accessories", I'm a bit nervous to ask (please don't hurt me!) but...

Is this okay for me to put on my wedding website? : "Female guests, please refrain from wearing white or ivory to the wedding. This is an evening wedding, so semi-formal to formal attire is encouraged. No jeans, tennis shoes or other casual-wear, please."

I added the part about no casual-wear after attending a friend's wedding last week where guests wore jeans and tennis shoes inside the cathedral! (I'm having a church wedding as well.) I was appalled at this, and do not want that to happen at my wedding! Plus, I as a guest felt awkward in my taffeta dress next to the lady in flats, skinny jeans and loose-fitting metallic top. I see how wedding guests dress as a respect issue. I guess I'm just under the impression that people should dress up and look their best for weddings. Is that too old-fashion a concept?

Is it not my place to tell my guests this, or is it okay for me to remind them that white and casual-wear are not acceptable at the wedding?

icecreamS04 · January 2014

While I understand why this might bug you, it's not okay to tell your guests what to wear (unless your venue has a certain enforced entry policy). Your guests are supposed to know how to dress accordingly to a social event.

SBbride67 · January 2014

Yes, the church I am marrying in has a dress code.

Rebl90 · January 2014

nicolesands said:

After reading the thread about guests' attire by poor @SarahRashid under "Attire and Accessories", I'm a bit nervous to ask (please don't hurt me!) but...

Is this okay for me to put on my wedding website? : "Female guests, please refrain from wearing white or ivory to the wedding. This is an evening wedding, so semi-formal to formal attire is encouraged. No jeans, tennis shoes or other casual-wear, please."

I added the part about no casual-wear after attending a friend's wedding last week where guests wore jeans and tennis shoes inside the cathedral! (I'm having a church wedding as well.) I was appalled at this, and do not want that to happen at my wedding! Plus, I as a guest felt awkward in my taffeta dress next to the lady in flats, skinny jeans and loose-fitting metallic top. I see how wedding guests dress as a respect issue. I guess I'm just under the impression that people should dress up and look their best for weddings. Is that too old-fashion a concept?

Is it not my place to tell my guests this, or is it okay for me to remind them that white and casual-wear are not acceptable at the wedding?

Personally I do not believe that it is appropriate at all to try to tell your guests what they can and cannot wear. Women know not to wear white to weddings, and you will come across as rude to at least a few people by saying so. Also, unless your venue has actual written restrictions or a dress code it is considered impolite to create a dress code for your wedding. At the end of the day it is someone's choice as to how they will dress for a wedding, and if they don't do so appropriately it will reflect poorly on them, not you.

Edited: spelling

Rebl90 · January 2014

nicolesands said:

Yes, the church I am marrying in has a dress code.

What is the exact wording of the church's dress code? What is the specific denomination?

icecreamS04 · January 2014

nicolesands said:

Yes, the church I am marrying in has a dress code.

In that case: What is the church's dress code?

SBbride67 · January 2014

It's Catholic. Shoulders must be covered. No jeans or tennis shoes. The whole wedding is more formal/traditional.

hellohkb · January 2014

People already know not to wear white or ivory shades to a wedding. If someone were to wear that color anyway, a mention on a wedding website won't stop them,unfortunately.

What dress code does your church have?

icecreamS04 · January 2014

It doesn't matter what the whole wedding is like. If your venue has a black tie only policy at the door and will refuse entry to any guest who is dressed less formal, it's okay to tell them: The venue has a black tie policy. This is the only instance when this is considered to be okay.

For the church: The shoulders covered part is something your guests should be aware of anyway if the know they enter a house of worship.

For jeans and tennis shoes: You would be refused to enter your church if you wore jeans or tennis shoes??? I've been to Catholic churches in Italy, the Vatican, Spain, UK, Ireland and Germany and I've seen many people wearing those during mass.

Rebl90 · January 2014

nicolesands said:

It's Catholic. Shoulders must be covered. No jeans or tennis shoes. The whole wedding is more formal/traditional.

If that is the case then you can put one sentence saying something along the lines of:

"The ceremony will be held at XYZ; please note that XYZ does not allow uncovered shoulders, jeans, or tennis shoes".

As far as the formality goes, you should be picking out invitations/save the dates that match the formality of the event and then your guests do not need any further information.

SBbride67 · January 2014

These are their policies for weddings. The wedding coordinator at the church gave me a packet, and this was one of the rules. I think it's a very good idea personally. I guess assuming guests know what correct attire to wear to a church is assuming too much of people... like the wedding I attended recently.

But this is off topic...

Is it okay for me to put it like that on my website? I'm worried the non-church-going guests won't dress correctly.

phira · January 2014

Will anyone be asked to leave the church (by church personnel) if they don't have their shoulders covered, or if they are wearing jeans or sneakers?

I'm not asking because I'm trying to be nasty. I almost wasn't allowed to attend my brother's Bar Mitzvah because I was wearing a sleeveless dress (I was 11; it wasn't like this was a sexy dress or anything). But I also know that some synagogues are less strict than mine was, and I also know that when people ask me what to wear to services, I almost always say, "No jeans and sneakers" even when people wouldn't be kicked out.

So if your church will legit bar people from entering if they're wearing jeans or sneakers, or their shoulders aren't covered, then I would absolutely say something on your website. "We are getting married at [whatever] Church. Please be aware that the church has a strict dress code and will not allow guests wearing sneakers or jeans, or whose shoulders are uncovered."

Telling your guests what to wear, besides that, is pretty rude. Especially telling them not to wear white or ivory. Most people know not to wear white or ivory to someone else's wedding, and even if someone does it anyway (on purpose or without realizing that they're not supposed to), I can guarantee you that they will not be mistaken for the bride, and you will still get married anyway.

hellohkb · January 2014

Like @phira said, if they would truly be turned down, then I would add it to the website. But other than that it's rude to tell guests what to wear.

Also, I'm a none church goer and I know what to wear to a church. Adding that information to your website solely for that reason will seem a little condescending.

Viczaesar · January 2014

nicolesands said:

After reading the thread about guests' attire by poor @SarahRashid under "Attire and Accessories", I'm a bit nervous to ask (please don't hurt me!) but...

Is this okay for me to put on my wedding website? : "Female guests, please refrain from wearing white or ivory to the wedding. This is an evening wedding, so semi-formal to formal attire is encouraged. No jeans, tennis shoes or other casual-wear, please."

I added the part about no casual-wear after attending a friend's wedding last week where guests wore jeans and tennis shoes inside the cathedral! (I'm having a church wedding as well.) I was appalled at this, and do not want that to happen at my wedding! Plus, I as a guest felt awkward in my taffeta dress next to the lady in flats, skinny jeans and loose-fitting metallic top. I see how wedding guests dress as a respect issue. I guess I'm just under the impression that people should dress up and look their best for weddings. Is that too old-fashion a concept?

Is it not my place to tell my guests this, or is it okay for me to remind them that white and casual-wear are not acceptable at the wedding?

No, you cannot say that. The only times you can give clothing guidelines are when you are having a (true) black tie wedding or when your venue has a dress code.

What exactly, word-for-word, did your venue say about dress code?

You cannot tell your guests not to wear white, period.

Viczaesar · January 2014

icecreamS04 said:

It doesn't matter what the whole wedding is like. If your venue has a black tie only policy at the door and will refuse entry to any guest who is dressed less formal, it's okay to tell them: The venue has a black tie policy. This is the only instance when this is considered to be okay.

For the church: The shoulders covered part is something your guests should be aware of anyway if the know they enter a house of worship.
For jeans and tennis shoes: You would be refused to enter your church if you wore jeans or tennis shoes??? I've been to Catholic churches in Italy, the Vatican, Spain, UK, Ireland and Germany and I've seen many people wearing those during mass.

I've never heard of a venue having a black tie policy. I think you're conflating two issues. If the couple is having a black tie wedding (or white tie, but white tie weddings don't really exist) then they can indicate that. Venue dress codes are typical either church requirements to have shoulders covered or country club-type requirements such as collared shirts and jackets.

SBbride67 · January 2014

Isn't formal & black tie the same thing? Because that's what I want!

Viczaesar · January 2014

No, formal and black tie are not the same thing. Black tie has an extensive list of requirements in order for it to actually be black tie, including top shelf open bar, live entertainment, multi-course plated dinner with tableside ordering by gloved waiters, butler-passed hors d'oeuvres, and so on.

SBbride67 · January 2014

Oh, ok. Thanks. I'll change the wording to reflect that. I was told they were the same thing.

Viczaesar · January 2014

nicolesands said:

Oh, ok. Thanks. I'll change the wording to reflect that. I was told they were the same thing.

What are you going to change the wording to? I'm confused.

SBbride67 · January 2014

"Please wear formal attire."

Viczaesar · January 2014

nicolesands said:

"Please wear formal attire."

That's what I was afraid of. No, you can't say that. You can only indicate if the event is a black tie event. You cannot tell people how to dress otherwise, aside from the specific information that your church told you must be followed (with no editorializing; if they said shoulders and knees must be covered you can't add 'No jeans or sneakers').

JennyColada · January 2014

nicolesands said:
"Please wear formal attire."

I thought you said you read the other attire topic? That's pretty much exactly what the other girl wanted to say and people spent a half dozen pages telling her why it's shitty.

AddieCake · January 2014

The only thing you can put is the church's dress code. Anything relating to YOUR preference is inappropriate, and trust me when I say you will not care one bit what your guests are wearing that day. This is coming from someone whose stepmother wore a long, ivory, sparkly gown that she married my father in a few months prior. What your guests wear won't affect you or your wedding one bit.

Chipmunk415 · January 2014

My venue does not allow jeans- I didn't tell that to my guests, as I trust they can look at the invite and info and attire themselves appropriately.

The one dress code requirement I mentioned was the fact that my venue requires all men to wear sports jackets/blazers/suit jackets in the main reception room, where our reception is being held, just so they are aware of that rule.

AddieCake · January 2014

You sure do have a lot of questions about things that shouldn't concern you. Showers, guest attire, people buying their clothes before you.....and then there's the red flags question on Woes....all in one day! Methinks you're either a troll or a bridezilla in the making.

kmmssg · January 2014

OP - you have been given very good advice here. As a Christian, I am stuck on your church having a wedding dress code.

I am of the opinion that I don't care what my guests at my weddings or the weddings of my daughters wore. I don't care about the wrappings, I care about what's inside them. If someone wore jeans to my wedding it is NO sign of disrespect. They loved me enough to take time out of their day to come to my wedding. God bless them for doing so.

I get the covered shoulders thing but anyone should be allowed in God's house with jeans or tennis shoes. Christ wore sandals or went barefoot. There is nothing Christian about turning someone away from a house of God for the pants they wear and shoes on their feet.

grumbledore · January 2014

nicolesands said:
It's Catholic. Shoulders must be covered. No jeans or tennis shoes. The whole wedding is more formal/traditional.

I've never heard of a Catholic church banning jeans or sneakers. I'm calling your bluff on that. I think you are being a weasel to get the answer you want.

SlothGoals · January 2014

OP, I agree that you can tell guests to have covered shoulders for the Church, but that's it. Not all Catholic churches will require people to have their shoulders covered (mine does not) so that may be something people aren't familiar with.

Viczaesar · January 2014

grumbledore said:

show previous quotes
It's Catholic. Shoulders must be covered. No jeans or tennis shoes. The whole wedding is more formal/traditional.
I've never heard of a Catholic church banning jeans or sneakers. I'm calling your bluff on that. I think you are being a weasel to get the answer you want.

Ditto. I call BS on the church having a policy saying no jeans or tennis shoes. Shoulders covered I can believe.

lyndausvi · January 2014

For the church: The shoulders covered part is something your guests should be aware of anyway if the know they enter a house of worship.

I've been in many Catholic weddings with bare shoulders, so I would not assume guests should be aware if they enter a house of worship because not all Catholic Churches have the same policies.

I don't have a problem with saying the church has a policy of no bare shoulder, jeans or tennis shoes (assuming that is their actual policy). Leave color out of it though.

vsgal · January 2014

Catholic churches do not require shoulders covered, no jeans, no sneakers. As a Catholic, born and raised, I have been to many churches that members have worn sundresses, jeans and sneakers. No problem. This "requirement" sounds like you imposing your vision at the expense of your church.

I would, along with many Catholics, would question this. I call BS.

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